Work Text:
Bergamot. Bette was waking up slowly, as if pulled to consciousness by the familiar scent. Bergamot and jasmine. The smell of white flowers, and sun-kissed skin, and home. This was what Tina smelled like, Bette thought, as she slowly blinked her eyes open. At first, she didn’t realize what happened because of how natural it felt on the brink of sleep. After all, she was waking up like this for years: the first thing she saw after opening her eyes being messy blonde hair, a familiar body curled up next to her, soft and warm under her palm. Except it didn’t happen anymore. And as soon as she registered that her hand landed on Tina’s waist, she pulled it away, rolling on her back to create a distance between them that was getting bigger every day. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to touch you,” she muttered, her voice already tinged with spite.
“I don’t mind being touched by you,” came the soft reply. Surprisingly soft, contrasting with most of their recent interactions. Because Tina really didn’t mind. In fact, Bette’s touch sent a pleasant shiver down her spine and she was careful not to breathe too hard, not to move a muscle, so she wouldn’t wake up the brunette. She lied there, listening to Bette’s even breathing, and for a couple of minutes she could pretend everything was normal again, like the past weeks didn’t happen, like she was just waiting for her girlfriend to wake up, and wiggle closer, nuzzling her neck, greeting her with sleepy “hi, baby”. She knew it wasn’t true, but she tried her best to make the moment last at least a few seconds longer. But soon enough Bette woke up to their reality, and just as Tina feared, quickly withdrew her hand as if she got burned.
“Obviously you do.” The hurt was clear in Bette’s tone as she spat out the words, a little voice in her head repeating: it’s not your touch she seeks.
Silence fell back on the room, and Tina wondered how honest she could be at the moment. Part of her knew there was no point trying to prove Bette wrong when she got like this. Don’t waste your breath. She knows best, anyway.
But part of her stayed in these few seconds just before Bette woke up, feeling the comfort of the closeness they once shared. It was the part that was unwilling to let go. And for once, that part won.
“I don’t,” Tina said, looking at Bette over her shoulder and rolling on her back.
Bette parried with sarcastic laughter, avoiding Tina’s stare. "Right…"
“I don’t.” Tina repeated more firmly this time, and grabbed Bette’s forearm. The brunette’s heart skipped a beat at the touch, her eyes immediately following the movement and landing on Tina’s hand with a surprise. It was sad, how little she needed right now. But before she could think about it further, the hand disappeared, leaving a hot trace on Bette’s skin.
Seeing Bette looking at her hand, Tina immediately pulled it back, scared to cross the line. “I just…” she cleared her throat, with eyes glued to the mattress, wringing her hands, as she added quietly, “I thought you were the one who didn’t want to touch me anymore.”
Bette couldn’t believe what she heard. How dare she even say that. The anger that seemed to never leave her these days started simmering inside of her. “I’m not the one who left her family for days to fuck some producer guy.”
So the chance to talk normally Tina believed they had this morning was gone, they were doing this again. “Right, you would only do that to fuck senator Grisham on her 15k couch.”
“I didn’t fuck her,” Bette snarled.
“Yeah, but you did not fail to let me know that you wanted to,” the blonde replied spitefully.
There was an exasperation to Bette’s tone now, as she said, “I was never actually going to fuck her, and you know it.”
“How would I know it, Bette? You haven’t tried to touch me in months, then you took the first opportunity to leave town and called me just to say you were halfway to fucking another woman, so...”
The brunette rolled her eyes irritated. “For the last time, I didn’t actually want to fuck her, okay?!”
This time, Tina snapped. “Then why did you go to her house?! Why did you stay with her alone so late?! And why the fuck did you feel the need to tell me that when you were still there?!” She could hear her voice getting louder, and she tried to get hold of herself, remembering their daughter was sleeping in the next room.
“I just wanted you to care! That’s all. I told you I was going to miss you before I left, and you couldn’t even bring yourself to say it back! I wanted to see if you give a single fuck if I’m away or if I’m having sex with someone else. You didn’t even care.”
Tina’s voice dropped, as she replied. “Well, I used to care a lot, but that didn’t stop you before, did it?”
I can’t believe her. All Bette could do was scoff incredulously, shaking her head. “I fucking knew it. I knew you were still punishing me for that.”
“I am not punishing you! But how am I supposed to feel? The last time, when we were going through a difficult time, you decided to fuck another woman. This time, we’re having a rough time and all you do is talk about how you’re not getting laid, rubbing it in my face in front of our friends. Then you threaten to fuck another woman at the first chance you get. So I don't know, how else should I feel? I guess I should apologize for not being able to satisfy your needs? For the fact that apparently I haven't been able to do that for years now?" Tina’s face was reddened now, a single vein popping up on her temple, as her anger got the better of her.
Bette continued shaking her head at the blonde’s words, at how absurd they were. "That's bullshit, Tina, and you know it. You're just trying to play the victim, so you can quiet your guilty conscience after weeks or, I don’t know, maybe months of actively looking for anyone with a dick to fuck you."
"Right, of course, because as always, you know so much better what I think and how I feel," Tina said sarcastically.
God, she is such a hypocrite. "Oh, just like you know so well who I can or cannot find attractive? Who I want to fuck? How I can't possibly want you right now?"
"Well, your actions have been pretty fucking loud when it comes to that, so the last part is obvious."
“What actions?!” Bette snapped back, raising her voice, “I tried to get close to you for months, and you wouldn’t let me in! I tried that stupid sex therapist, I tried giving you time, but you preferred to fuck a random faceless guy on some sex chat! So what actions? Because I just don’t see how any of that is obvious.”
She really still doesn’t get it. “Maybe I preferred to fuck a faceless guy behind a computer screen because I was faceless too! Because he didn’t know what I looked like, what my body looked like…”
The brunette rolled her eyes, hearing similar words from Tina, again. “Oh, please, you know anyone would want to fuck you knowing what you look like…”
“Well, you don’t. You wanted some bitch more than you wanted me when I was in the best shape of my life, so why all of a sudden would you want me now?”
Everyone has their breaking points, and this was Bette’s. "Is that really all you think of me?! Are you really gonna hold that against me for the rest of my life?! Because I’m fucking tired of that, Tina. Fine, I'm a terrible cheater who can’t be trusted, and a sorry bitch with no job and no perspectives. Is that what you want me to say?!” Tina kept looking at her, something brewing inside of her, her eyes glazing over, her bottom lip quivering, but Bette couldn’t focus on that right now, she was still too fucking angry, she had to finish what she wanted to say, even if her voice was breaking, her own eyes welling up with tears.
“I get it, you want better and that's what you're looking for, right?! The white picket fence, a guy with a stable job, who can provide for you, who doesn't have to kiss some social worker's ass to gain the rights to be Angelica’s parent. So go ahead, find someone you can have your perfect little life with, go play house with Josh, or whoever else, since you deserve so much better than a fuck-up who cheated on you!”
"I OBVIOUSLY DON’T!”
The shouted words sent a cold shiver down Bette’s spine, knocking the wind out of her. One look at Tina’s face, at the tears, the fear, the shame in her eyes, and Bette felt she was going to be sick. She actually believes that. I let her believe that.
She couldn’t find words. She stared at the blonde blankly, trying to understand what just happened, trying to think how they could ever recover from this, trying to find a way for her to fix this. There was nothing, nothing she could say to make it better right now, nothing to prove Tina wrong. Words were futile. Words were dangerous. Words only dragged them into one fight after another, words were little daggers they kept shooting at each other, words brought them nothing but pain and more regret every day. So instead of looking for words, Bette did what she knew best: she grabbed the back of Tina’s head, and pulled her close roughly, slamming their lips together.
Tina was too shocked to react at first, falling back on the pillows with the impact, Bette pressing into her, holding her head, kissing her aggressively. She started to kiss back, just as ferociously. They haven’t kissed like this in God knows how long, maybe they’ve never kissed like this. Teeth clashing, tongues wrestling, as they kept inhaling each other. It felt incredible. It felt awful. Bette bit on Tina’s lower lip and tugged on it, making her hiss with pain. Tina dragged her nails down Bette’s biceps, scraping the skin, making the brunette growl at the sting. It was wet and it was messy.
Bette’s lips slid from Tina’s mouth, down her jaw, as she started planting forceful kisses on her neck, sucking on the skin, biting on her pulse point. Normally she would be more careful not to leave any marks, but this time she couldn’t care less. She wanted to leave a mark, to remind Tina what she was missing, what she was giving up and where she still belonged, for as long as she was sleeping in Bette’s bed, she was hers.
Tina knew they should stop, they shouldn’t continue like this, hurting each other further. Over the past months, she spent many hours thinking what their physical reconnection could look like, and she knew it should be completely different. And she knew it shouldn’t feel as good as it did. But she just couldn’t stop. Her hand tangled in Bette’s hair, while the other one sneaked under the dark blue pajama shirt, moving across Bette’s back, scratching the skin.
The brunette’s palm landed on Tina’s full breast, squeezing and massaging it through the thin material of the black tank top. A strangled moan left Tina’s throat at the feeling of the strong hand on her. Bette’s touch was firm, possessive, but still somehow careful, loving, even in the middle of this furious exchange. She kept kneading Tina’s breast, leaving hot wet kisses on her neck, nibbling on the flesh, and Tina didn’t want her to ever stop. How could she live without it?
Soon enough, Bette’s hand tugged on the fabric, trying to take Tina’s top off. This caused a little warning light to go off in Tina’s head, her body immediately tensing. She grabbed Bette’s hand, trying to guide her from underneath her shirt.
“Bette, stop…” she said breathlessly, with her eyes still closed.
“I want to touch you,” Bette tried to free her hand from Tina’s grip, continuing to kiss and lick the soft skin on her neck. She couldn’t get enough.
“Please don’t,” Tina repeated, more firmly this time.
Bette was turning desperate. She started panicking. She couldn’t lose this chance again, she had to show her, to let her know. “T, trust me with this, please,” she practically begged.
God, how she wanted to. Tina pulled Bette’s hands away from her body, as she said under her breath, “I’m sorry, I can’t.”
At that, Bette shot up from the bed and strode across the room, reaching the dresser.
The blonde wasn’t sure what happened, she barely registered the sudden change. “Bette? What are you doing?”
The brunette didn’t answer, she kept rummaging through a drawer feverishly, then finally took out something Tina couldn’t see from behind her. Within seconds, she took her pajama off in a swift movement. Tina’s eyes fell to the object in her hands, and she gulped at the sight, realizing what it was.
When she was ready, Bette walked up to the bed without saying a word, as Tina just watched her silently. She grabbed the blonde’s leg, and pulled her down on the bed in a quick, short motion, then grabbed her hips and rolled her on her stomach. She pressed both of Tina’s hands into the mattress and lied down on her with her full body weight.
Tina gasped as she felt the dildo rubbing against her ass through the thin fabric of her pajama pants, the plastic moving up and down between her cheeks.
“Bette, what are you–”
“Is this what you want?” Bette said through clenched teeth, “You don’t want me to touch you, or make love to you, do you want me to fuck you instead? Isn’t that what you were looking for, Lindsey? A good fuck? A huge cock in your blonde pussy?”
Tina whimpered, as Bette ground her hips harder. She lowered her mouth to Tina’s ear that was poking through the messy blond hair to speak directly into it.
“Tell me to stop and I will.”
A second passed in silence. A heartbeat, two, and Bette didn’t move a muscle.
“No, don’t stop.” Tina’s voice was so quiet, it was barely audible, but it was enough.
Bette lifted from her, shifting on all fours and grabbed Tina’s hips to lift them, then tugged on the blue pajama pants harshly to pull them down, leaving her bare ass up in the air, the pants bunched around her knees.
Tina sucked in a breath as the cold air hit her core. She knew that the kiss, Bette’s closeness, her touch, have already made her wet, but now it became tangible. The feeling of being exposed like that caused her cheeks to burn, but at the same time, it excited her as much as it embarrassed her. She wanted Bette to take her like that without having to look at her, afraid of what she might see in these brown eyes when they saw her.
The brunette felt a wave of intense arousal wash over her at the sight, getting even more excited when she noticed Tina’s wetness glistening between her thighs. The fact that what they just shared could still have this effect on Tina brought her a tiny glimpse of hope and comfort, maybe even joy. She spat on the dildo and spread the liquid with her hand, making sure it was wet enough, so she didn’t hurt the blonde. One of her hands landed on the small of Tina’s back, while the other one reached between the other woman’s legs. Feeling the silkiness of Tina’s hot arousal, Bette couldn’t help but moan and move her hand up and down the slick folds a couple of times. Fuck, how much she missed it. No one ever came even close to that, no one as soft, as good as Tina. She let herself spend a few seconds to jest revel in the warmth, then withdrew her hand with a soft sigh, and pushed the dark blue dildo inside of her.
As the brunette entered her, Tina felt all of her muscles tense and then relax. Her hands crumpled the sheets, and she moaned into the pillow, feeling how Bette perfectly filled her and started rocking her hips.
At first, Bette was gentle, the first thing on her mind always to make sure not to hurt the smaller woman, make sure she was enjoying everything Bette was doing to her. She kept rocking her hips, taking the dildo out before sliding it inside again. Tina’s loud exhales turned into moans, she started rocking back and forth, pushing herself onto the strap. More wetness started pouring out of her, making the dildo slip in and out even more easily with every move. Seeing that, Bette picked up the pace, thrusting her hips harder. She grabbed Tina’s waist firmly with both hands, as she continued moving faster, pounding into her.
Tina squeezed her eyes shut, her hands gripping the sheets tightly, knuckles turning white, as she focused all of her senses on the pleasure Bette was giving her. She felt two strong hands holding her hips and pulling her back as Bette’s hips move forward, driving the dildo deep inside of her. A loud groan escaped Tina’s throat, followed by a series of moans as Bette kept hitting all the right spots inside of her.
“Fuck, Tina, you’re so wet, you feel so good.” Bette’s voice was hoarse and strangled with exertion as she spoke. Her fingers were digging into the soft flesh of Tina’s waist as she kept thrusting into her roughly. “I could keep fucking you for hours if you let me.”
“Bette…” Tina’s voice was breathy. “Yes, fuck me like this.”
“You look so sexy like this, your beautiful pussy so open for me.”
Tina’s only answer was a loud, guttural moan, as she kept rocking back and forth with Bette’s every move.
“No one else could fuck you this good.” There was a certain determination in Bette’s words, in her every move, as if she was trying to prove something to Tina and to herself. “No one else is gonna touch you like this. No one but me.”
“Yes…” Tina said under her breath, struggling to speak, shutting her eyes even tighter, mewling into the pillow.
Bette could tell the blonde was getting close, the way her body started quivering under her, the sounds that were coming out of her mouth, so suddenly she stopped, gripping Tina’s hips, and pulled out of her.
Tina whined, feeling as Bette slipped out, leaving her empty. “What are you doing?” She lifted her head with a little difficulty, trying to look at the other woman over her shoulder.
The brunette was perfectly calm, her chest heaving because of the exertion, but her every word clear as she said, “I want to see you when you come. All of you. I’m not going to do it like this. I need to look in your eyes when you come.”
Tina was surprised by Bette’s words at first, but she understood immediately what she meant. There was a part of her that was reserved, scared at the prospect, insecure and unsure. But there was also a part, a bigger part maybe, that’s been begging for Bette to see her for all these months. To really see her. A part that was longing for the intimacy.
Reluctantly, Tina rolled onto her back, and pulled her pants all the way down. Then, without making eye contact with Bette, with trembling hands, she grabbed the hem of her tank top and lifted it over her head, taking it off. She lied down on her back again, took a deep breath, and only then gathered the courage to look at her lover.
Bette really wanted to look down, to let her eyes wander all over the beautiful body under her, taking in the milky skin, the roundness of her breasts, little marks and beauty spots and delicate blue veins popping up here and there. But she knew she couldn’t, not if she wanted to keep Tina’s trust, or rather to gain it again. She looked into Tina’s eyes instead, her heart clenching in her chest at the anxiety she saw there. She crawled over the blonde, not taking her eyes off her face. Her voice turned gentle as she whispered, “Put it in.”
Realizing exactly what Bette was doing, Tina felt extremely grateful. She took the dildo in her hand and guided it to her opening, letting Bette fill her. Once it was inside, the blonde almost instinctively put both legs around Bette’s waist, driving the dildo even deeper. Her eyes fell shut on their own accord, a loud moan escaping her throat.
Bette kept her eyes fixed on Tina’s face as she continued thrusting into her. She didn’t want to look away, she didn’t even want to blink, afraid to miss the slightest movement on her lover’s face. Tiny wrinkles appearing on Tina’s eyelids as she squeezed her eyes shut, a little twitch of an eyebrow, the pink wet tongue peeking through parted lips, a beauty mark on the left side just below her lower lip. She didn’t want to miss anything, she wanted to just keep looking at her like this for hours.
Before Bette could even think about it, whispered words were slipping from her lips. “I want you so much, baby.” Tina didn’t answer, but she didn’t have to. A quiet whimper was enough for Bette to know she was listening, and all she had to do was just to let her know. “I want you.” She grabbed Tina’s right thigh for leverage and pulled her closer as she thrust roughly. “I want you.”
Tina’s body started slightly shaking again. She kept one arm draped around Bette’s back, the other one tightening in her hair. It felt good, keeping her close. It felt good hearing her words.
Bette could tell Tina was getting close again, so she slowed her thrusts and softly said, “Look at me, T.”
Tina managed to grudgingly open her eyes, and looked directly into Bette’s dark brown orbs. What she saw there almost made her heart stop. It was a mix of lust, love, passion, but also pain, regret and sadness. Never has she seen anywhere else the intensity she saw in Bette’s eyes. This was what lured her in from the moment they met, what kept pulling her in through the years, keeping her close, not letting go. It was overwhelming, to be looked at by Bette like that. It was thrilling and it was terrifying. It made her feel like she was the only woman in the world, it made her feel like the ground was slipping from under her feet. She knew she could drown in those eyes, and it scared her. The fact that she could lose herself so easily in them, get swallowed up until there wasn’t even a piece of her that could exist outside, without Bette. Sometimes she thought she might die the moment Bette’s eyes were no longer on her.
But she didn’t stop looking. She held Bette’s face in her hands, so close to her own, she felt her lover's hot breath on her lips. She didn’t stop looking as a strangled scream escaped her throat and her body spasmed in orgasm.
A second passed when they just kept looking at each other. Another one. Tina was still holding Bette’s face in her palms. Bette leaned down to kiss her softly. It was nothing like the kiss they shared earlier. It was gentle, delicate, both of them pouring into it all the love they thought had no chances of surviving just a few hours ago.
They kissed, and kissed, lips sliding together lazily. Finally, Bette pulled away, only to take the harness off and throw it on the floor, quickly resuming her position on top of Tina. She kissed Tina’s forehead, her jaw, her chin, the corner of her mouth. She kissed her neck, lips brushing over the marks she left earlier, trying to convey a silent apology.
She lifted her head and kept looking into Tina’s hazel eyes as she lowered her head to one of her breasts. Tina didn’t stop her. Instead, she put both hands on Bette’s head, combing her fingers through the dark hair. Bette didn’t break the eye contact as she licked carefully around the reddened nipple, keeping in mind how sore it must’ve been. She kissed the sensitive skin of her areola with gentleness and utmost care. After months of dreaming about it, it took all of her resolve not to lick and suck and bite hungrily on the full breast, but she knew that this was not what Tina needed. So she kissed the breast thoroughly, covering the mound in the softest pecks, then moved to the other one and repeated her action. She moved lower, caressing Tina’s breasts, and then belly, with her lips, dragging her tongue slowly over them. Finally, she reached Tina’s lower abdomen, and took her first real look at the scar, taking in the reddish irritated skin where nothing but milky softness used to be. Lowering her head, she started planting tiny kisses along the line, covering every inch, feeling hot tears filling up her eyes. She moved along the whole length of the scar, then delicately traced it with her fingers, the fingertips taking the same path her mouth just took.
Bette looked up only to see Tina watching her, and finally it was her Tina again, her best friend, her lover, her partner, the love of her life. The blonde put her hand on Bette’s cheek, wiping away a fallen tear with a gentle touch.
It felt like time has stopped, Bette couldn’t hold the tears in anymore, her voice barely a whisper when she said, “I was so scared I was going to lose you.”
Tina smiled sadly at that, stroking the soft cheek with her thumb. Her voice was breaking a little when she said, “I was so scared I was going to fail you again.”
Bette felt like someone just ripped her heart out of her chest. She was on Tina in no time, brushing the blonde strands away from her face, stroking the rosy cheek lovingly. “You never failed me. You could never fail me.”
At that, something inside of Tina snapped, a strangled sob escaping her throat and she started crying. For the first time after the baby was born, she started weeping, unable to stop or control it, her whole body shaking. She was crying for the baby they lost. Crying for losing Bette. Crying for the months they spent apart. Crying because of the absolute horror of giving birth to Angelica. Crying for the uncertainty, anxiety, alienation of the last months, for the pain she caused Bette and the pain Bette caused her. She was crying for the family she always wanted and almost lost.
Bette gathered her in her arms, holding her closely to her chest, stroking her back, promising herself to never let go of her. She was crying too, tears she was holding back for months now streaming down her face. She kissed the blonde’s head over and over again. Tina pulled her even closer, burying her head in Bette’s chest, like she was trying to hide from something, like she was just a scared little girl looking for some safety, and that made Bette’s heart shatter. “Everything’s okay, baby.” Bette whispered. She really wanted to believe her own words, and for the first time in months she actually felt like they might be true when she said, “We’re going to be okay.”