Chapter Text
At times like this, I really miss my old life. I miss a heated apartment, thick bedding, and a soft IKEA mattress. It's fucking cold, it's so cold my balls are about to freeze and fall off. I try to curl up, wrap myself in a blanket like a burito to make myself feel warmer somehow. Nothing helps.
I'm starting to consider just going to a bar, ordering a few beers and spending the night there. No, it’s a bad idea, I'm too tired, I’ll fall asleep at the bus stop and freeze to death. Maybe I'll just go downstairs to the kitchen, turn on the stove, warm up myself a little. Maybe I'll make myself some tea. Do we have some tea in the house even? I only buy coffee and Tyler if he drinks anything other than tap water it's usually alcohol. So at the end we probably don't have any tea in the kitchen.
„I’m cold”
The sound of his voice brings me out of my thoughts. I rolled over and saw Tyler in the crack in my room’s door. He's wearing his stupid mug-and-cup robe and fluffy socks, wrapping his hands around himself.
I don't know why, but without thinking I wanted to mutter something mean to him.
„Me too” I say instead.
He's moving, I don't know what he's up to. He goes back to his room and comes right back with the duvet. As he approaches my mattress, he rips the blanket off me and lies down next to me. I want to say something, but he covers both of us with a blanket and then he do the same with the duvet. He turns towards me so that we are facing each other. He doesn't look at me, he closes his eyes as if he wants to fall asleep right in this particular moment.
„Hug me” he demands.
I snorted at it, I wasn’t expect that. It sounds more nervous than I wanted though.
Tyler often demands attention in this somewhat childish way. He demands, he gives you an order which you have no choice but to carry out. But when he needs attention he usually says "Hit me" not "Hug me". Damn, he's so openly masochistic sometimes.
However, not now. It would have been more his style to insist on sparring or fighting, to keep warm. But no. Today he came to my bed and wants me to hug him. Honestly, I'd do it even if it wasn't related to the cold. Some possessive part of me wants to do something, to show the other guys at the fight club and the rest of the world that I'm closer to Tyler than anyone else. That he tolerates me enough to let me live with him under the same roof. That I fix his bow tie and he ties my tie.
„To keep us warm?” I speak under my breath.
I hugging him before I even hear his reply. On the other hand, I'm so cold I'd do it with anyone, it's doesn’t matter it’s Tyler. I mean, I appreciate it’s Tyler and not some homeless stinking guy. I pull him against my chest and put my arms around him. He makes a grunt of satisfaction like a tiger and slips one of his legs between mines. He is warm and our coats together warm us up much more than separately.
„Yeah” he whispered.
Maybe he got hit on the head today. Or maybe I got hit on the head last time I was fighting. However, it feels so good, probably too good for me. God, no one has touched me other than by beating me up for such a long time. And he's so warm, and the perfect size for cuddles and his rhythmic breathing made it easier for me to fall asleep. He slips one of his hands under my shirt. His hand isn't as warm as the rest of his body when it rests against my waist. My tired mind doesn't pay much attention to it, I just sigh into his hair.
I can't decide. Do I like him as a friend or more? It would probably be easier for me to tell if I ever had a boyfriend or at least spent the night with a guy once. I have little experience with women, let alone men. Don't get me wrong, Tyler isn’t my awakening. My awakening was one guy who sat next to me in biology class in my senior year of high school, years ago. So I've known for a long time that I swing both ways. But I've never had the courage to come out of the closet even in front of a single potential partner.
This vision terrified me. I guess it has to do with the fact that growing up my mother made me go to church with her. After my father left her, she made a handful of new friends there. She even forced me to be an altar boy for over a year. In this way, the people around me at that time were quite homophobic. I've heard stories where gay men were castrated for their sexuality. I don't even know if these stories were true, but they scared me for the rest of my life. Effectively keeps me from trying anything with men.
Recently, I even had a nightmare that someone at a fight club said I like man. All these guys suddenly feeling threatened, jump on me and beat me until I'm nothing more than a bloody mass of meat. At the end, Tyler showed up to say what a pervert I am and spit on the mass that's left of me.
Thinking about it reminds me of Marla being in the next room maybe two weeks ago or something, Tyler fucking her. I was furious, at her, at Tyler, at the whole world. History was repeating itself. It was like with support groups, she takes away something that allowed me to sleep well at night. She makes me feel bad here, makes me think Tyler needs a woman and not me, whatever I am even to him. And when I think about it now, she makes me jealous, so that answers to a question, who Tyler is to me.
Fucking hell.
Not really. I've known it for a long time, actually from the moment I met him. I was just lying to myself. Pushing that thought away.
I'm totally in love with him.
But I'm too tired and it's too cold to panic about it right now. Tomorrow is a day too. If I don't die in my sleep, I'll panic when I wake up. Now I'm just going to enjoy what I have, which is Tyler in my arms.
*
I slept like a baby. The night was perfect, I didn't wake up even once. Waking up in the morning, I wasn't cold, I could even feel the heat spreading over the entire front of my body. My face even touched something soft and fluffy.
Did I die in my sleep and now I'm in heaven?
I opened my eyes slightly lazily. Bright daylight shone through the newspaper-covered window. It wasn't sunlight, it was just bright light, the sky was always gray at this time of year.
When I open my eyes, the memories immediately come back to me. I realize the heat source next to me is Tyler. At this point, I even realize that he has his back to my front and I basically spooning him. As if that wasn’t enough, I embraces him with one of my hands.
My heart starts beating faster. I slide out from under the covers and the cold air hits me. It's so cold I want to whimper but hold back. Thank god I slept in socks. I stand on my tiptoes so as not to accidentally wake up this beautiful beast in my bed. I am a weak man so I take a moment to take a mental picture of what I see. Only Tyler's head, from the ears up, sticks out of the covers, and they slowly rises and falls to the rhythm of his breathing.
I back out to the door and then slowly make my way down the stairs, which of course creak as always. I tighten the strap of my bathrobe tighter and lean against the stove.
Fuck.
I slept with Tyler.
I cuddled him all night.
He let me do this? Why did he let me do this? I mean, I know it was cold, but he literally told me to hug him. Maybe I'm exaggerating. It's just because of the cold. Why else would Tyler want to cuddle with me? There's no reason for that. I would have reason to, but it wasn't me who came to him for warmth last night. For several hours now, I've come to terms with the fact that I have a crush on him, but probably everyone in the club has at least a little crush on him.
I glance at the small battery clock in the kitchen. I have to go to work.
*
I'm going on a business trip again as there have been a lot of reported accidents over the last week related to snow, ice and what to expect in winter. At least I'll get some good money for it, which I really need right now. I need some decent clothes for the winter, some shoes that won't get wet, and I could buy some more blankets. Now I have to spend money on a heater anyway, because without it Tyler and I won't last long and we'll just freeze to death one night. I should probably buy at least two. So that each of us had one radiator in the bedroom. I probably shouldn't buy the cheapest I can find, because I'm afraid it'll burn down the house.
It will only be four days. Portland, Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Norfolk and Washington. One club meeting I'll miss. Three nights in hotels. This is probably the first time I won't be taking those little soaps and shampoos out of there. I may take shampoo, but I have plenty of soap.
I'm curious how Tyler will react to this news. I know he would like me to quit this job. It's not about the work itself, but about the type of work I do. He's not crazy enough to think we can survive without any job. We need, for example, power, gas in the kitchen, food, water, it all costs money and Tyler pays for it all. Working in a movie theater, being a waiter and making soap, I wouldn't be surprised if Tyler had more ways to make money.
He's definitely not going to be happy that I miss the fight club meeting.
So to appease Tyler a bit, I bought one heater before going home. I couldn't buy two because I couldn't lift two large cartons. Sometimes I wish I had a car. Then I remember the cases I'm working on. Dying in flames or dying with some kind of rod in the body are not really the ways I want to die. I would like to die quickly. A fall from such a height that only a stain will remain of me, headshot, death in a dream. I'm afraid of a slow death. Tyler would probably call me a coward.
Anyway, I'm coming home with a heater. Tyler is gone.
I'm Jack's disappointment.
I unpacked the heater and plugged it in. It worked fine. At least it was warm in the living room where I set it up. I have nothing interesting to do for the rest of the evening. I ate what I found in the fridge. Sitting alone on the couch, I debated whether or not to call Marla. Literally how lonely I feel when Tyler isn't around. I feel so lonely that I want to hear Marla's thoughts. Marla and Tyler aren’t that different from each other. They dress just as ridiculously. They both seek self-destruction.
„Hallo” I didn't even realize when I grabbed the phone or how Marla answered.
„Hey” I speak almost shyly.
„Jack?” she asks.
„Yeah, that’s me” I lean my forehead against the wall by the phone. „Any hot gossip from ours support groups?” As soon as it comes out of my mouth I bang my head against the wall, I’m so fucking stupid.
There is silence on the other end for a moment.
„Are you going to kill yourself and this call is your last cry for help?” Marla asks and sounds completely serious.
„No, it's not that bad. I just wanted to talk to someone and you happen to be the only one that comes to mind” I answer her honestly.
„What about Tyler?”
„He's not home, I don't know when he'll be back” god, i’m so pathetic.
„I was thinking about you two last night” she says like she's not going to point out how pathetic I am.
„Why?” I sigh as I sit down on the floor, leaning my back against the wall.
„Your house is a hovel with holes in it, I was wondering if you would freeze like homeless people on the street” she replied.
„A few blankets and thick socks do the trick” I'm telling her only that, because of course I won't tell her I slept with Tyler.
„You know it's only going to get colder. You're probably going to need more than socks. If you die, I want an invitation to the funeral” she murmured.
„I bought a heater. I don't think I'm going to die anytime soon, I'm sorry Marla”
„Chloe died” she informs me.
„That was easy to predict” I speak quietly „I mean, I'm sorry”
„I hope she had the best sex of her life before she died” she sighs.
I sit quietly for a moment.
„You make it sound like she died right after that”
„I guess that would be pretty good. Die not long after orgasm, it's the last thing you feel before you die. It's quite beautiful”
„Not so beautiful for the person who has to call the coroner right after sex” I notice.
„There's probably a kink for that”
„I feel sorry for the government employee who has to eavesdrop on this conversation” I sighed.
„I bet they like it” she said and I just knew she was playing with the earphone cable. „Now tell me why you're really calling me”
I roll my eyes. „I told you, I just wanted to talk to someone” I feel like I'm telling the truth
„Then it's pretty sweet of you to call me. I thought you didn't like me”
„I don't like you taking my stuff” I confess and immediately regret it.
„Support groups only make sense when people join them” she says, I can't deny that she's right.
„But before you came along, I was the only one there even though I'm fine”
„You are far from fine, Jack. For example, you think I took Tyler from you”
„It’s not what I meant. The thing is, every time I find new friends, they find a girlfriend and I lose friends”
„Jack, come on. I’m not his girlfriend. Right after sex he acts like I don't exist. And you're just jealous”
„Jealous of what? No offense Marla but I don't want to have sex with you”
„I know”
„Good”
„You don't like women”
„Wh-“ I fall silent.
„Sexually, not in the sexist way”
I want to end this conversation.
„Don't worry, Tyler likes guys too” what.
I think I'm having a stroke. Or a panic attack or blue screen, Microsoft Word has stopped working.
„Did he tell you that?” I ask right away.
„Of course not, you don't say things like that when having sex with someone who is literally a stranger to you” the first rule of fight club is that you do not talk about the fight club.
„So how do you know that?” I want to know, although it's probably some kind of knowledge that only women have.
„I just know. The same way I know that you like guys”
I blink a couple of times, wondering if I'm hearing her right.
„I… I don’t even know what to say” I speak up.
Who does she think she is.
„I'm ending this conversation. Goodbye” I announced getting up off the floor and hung up the phone.
What the fuck?
It's definitely not true why I even care about it? Marla isn't even right about me. I like women sometimes. Maybe not right now, but that doesn't change anything. She's wrong about me, so she's probably wrong about Tyler, too.
I need fresh air. I go outside, it's already dark. I take only a few steps and stop in the snow that reaches to my mid-calf. My socks get wet right away. I regret every decision I made in the last ten seconds. It’s so cold. I run back home, I think I'm hypothermic. I run to the heater, take off my socks, throw them somewhere and put my feet close to the heater.
„What’s up with you, man?” Tyler's voice echoes around the living room.
I scream like a little girl.
He then screams too.
„Tyler!”
„Why are you screaming at me!?” he asks with his voice raised.
„You scared me!” I scream at him.
„I saw you on the street. Why did you go outside in just a robe it's freezing?” he asked, unbuttoning his heavy jacket.
It’s the first time I see it, he probably stole it from somewhere during the day.
„I needed fresh air” I answer shortly. „I bought a heater” I added.
„Woah, this might come in handy” he approached me and sat next to me.
I better tell him the bad news now.
„I have to go on a business trip for four days” I say.
„When?” he simply asks.
„Tomorrow morning” I answer simply too, looking away from him.
„You gonna miss-“ I don't let him finish.
„Yeah, I know. I’m sorry”
He snorted „You’re sorry?”
„Yes, the club is important for me… And I know it’s important for you” I continue without looking at him.
„You don't have to apologize to me, you know? I'm not some pompous chairman who's going to kick you out for not being there” he nudged me with his shoulder.
„Good to know” I mutter under my breath.
„I hate it when you act like I'm your boss” he sighs.
„Sorry”
„Whatever man. Let's have some fun” he gets up and goes to the kitchen, his steps are actually jumps.
He returns after a moments with two beers. He hands me one and grabs the remote off the couch. We have TV, Tyler has some way of getting a few channels. I don't know if it's some truck with a TV antenna, I have no idea. Anyway, the old TV in the living room picks up five channels. One is the local news station, the other is some channel that still plays mass, the third is cartoons (this is the only channel Tyler watches), the fourth is the music channel and the fifth channel is some Spanish series. Sometimes we'll turn on that music channel if we don't feel like listening to silence or when we make soap.
So Tyler turns on the channel, there's some music playing, at this hour there's no more shows, just music videos.
He sits back down next to me, sips his beer, I take a sip of my beer. He's oddly quiet, especially considering we haven't talked at all today.
„Rough day?” I'm asking before I think about bringing this up.
„Hm” he just muttered.
He takes out cigarettes and lights one. I nudge him with my shoulder.
„Hey, I know you're gonna miss me but I'll be back before you know it” I'm smiling.
He smiles too.
I'm so fucking in love with him.
„Shut up, Ikea-boy” he shows his sharp teeth as he nudges me with his shoulder again.