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Alex was jealous. He was more than aware of the fact but it didn’t make it hurt any less. He was sure that his boys didn’t mean anything by it, and that everything was in Alex’s head, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that his boys were disgusted by him. Alex didn’t have the greatest relationship with touch, growing up his parents kept him at an arm's length and insisted that Alex ‘grow up and act his age’ anytime he asked for a hug. He could remember clearly when his mother last hugged him-he was 11 and his grandmother just died-his mother hugged him once and took him out to ice cream and pretended nothing had happened the following day. After he’d come out to them things had just gotten worse, his parents refused to be within two feet of him and treated him like he was sick, a disease they had to deal with day after day. He remembered brushing against his mother once; she’d gone up and taken a shower soon after.
Now, Sunset Curve has always been a touch heavy group. Whether it was a hug, or an arm around the shoulder, or even holding hands, the group of boys was seemingly always connected. Luke’s love language was touch, his words were always full of meaning and passion but he always made sure to show his love through actions. Alex remembered one time-when Reggie was sick-and Luke spent the day kissing his forehead and force feeding him cup noodles. Touches for Luke were also reassuring, if you were touching someone there was no denying that they were there and there was no need to worry. If Luke was worried or nervous and just damn anxious he’d clamp your hands together and continue on with his day.
Reggie loved showing people they were loved in ways he’d never experienced himself. Growing up he was terrified to death of touch and the pain that followed it. He didn’t get warm hugs and loving parents, he got long sleeves in the summer and concealer all year round. So when he met the boys and finally got the love and attention he deserved he decided he’d never give that up. Everyday was a new chance for a hug and for him to catch up on all the love he’d missed.
Bobby spent his entire life trying to keep things inside. His parents were angry and cold and hated Bobby almost as much as they hated each other. Bobby had known, since he was far too young to understand, that he was nothing more than a bargaining chip for his parents-a last ditch attempt to save their marriage. Bobby wanted people to think that he didn’t care, he wanted to be seen as some untouchable bad boy-neither was true. So when Alex, Reggie, and Luke stumbled into his life and he was forced to care for someone, he was shocked to find people caring about him too; and he was more than sure that he’d never be left behind.
The issue had started a few weeks back, Alex had started to notice that while the rest of the boys got close and hugged and cuddled…he really didn’t seem to. He wanted to, he really did, but he refused to be a part of any touch he didn’t initiate. And the boys weren’t touching him anymore.
Anymore.
Alex can clearly remember just a month or so ago when Luke would throw his arm around Alex any time they walked together at school. He can remember Reggie jumping on top of him while he sits on the couch and he can remember Bobby’s soft hands on his own. In fact, on the night that seemed to change it all the four of them had been in one large cuddle pile. Alex had felt so safe and so loved and like he finally, truly could be himself. So he came out. And they’d told him everything was okay and nothing was going to change, they’d told him that and he truly believed them. But the next day was shorter hugs, then less hand holding the next week, and so on until Alex hadn’t hugged any of them in three days. To be clear: Alex was not doing okay. He was shaking by the time he got to the studio for rehearsal and had to stop for a minute before going inside.
“ It’s fine ,” Alex thought, “ You’re overreacting. ” Alex walked in to find Luke, Reggie, and Bobby laying together on the couch. They were drowsy and barely awake, only seeming to open their eyes at the sound of Alex entering. They had had a sleepover without him, Alex realized.
“Oh, hey Lex!” Reggie said, a soft smile on his face. Alex barely noticed the happiness on Reggie’s face, instead honing in on how Luke hid a box from Alex’s sight. Not only did they hate him, they were hiding something from him. Alex was right all along; they were disgusted by him. He didn’t deserve to know them, to be their drummer, to be anything to them. Alex didn’t deserve anything.
His friend’s faces turned downward into angry scowls, they didn’t want him here to ruin everything. He could hear their voices in his head telling him to leave, that he wasn’t their friend, he was a shit drummer, he was a piece of shit, a no good homo, a-
“Alex! Come on, man, look at me!” Warm hands on his arms broke his mind from his thoughts. He snapped his head up and found Luke in front of him with Reggie and Bobby behind him. Their faces weren’t mean and angry-they were scared and concerned. Alex stared down at the hands touching his skin, at Luke touching him.
“You…you’re touching me?” Alex questioned. In an instant Luke’s hands were gone, leaving an icy burn that yearned for his touch once again. Luke seemed scared-dejected, even. Alex was confused.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry-you were freaking out and I forgot you don’t like-”
“I don’t understand,” Alex said slowly, “I thought you guys didn’t want to touch me.” Alex’s voice was steady and low, a strange combination of confusion and post-panic calm. His three friends met eyes with each other before turning back to Alex.
“What do you mean, Lex?” Bobby asked. Alex burned red in embarrassment at the attention on him and sunk into himself.
“You guys just…you don’t touch me anymore. And, and I thought that…” Alex cut himself off with a shaky sob. Luke and Reggie were confused as all hell, hoping for him to continue, but Bobby realized right away. Bobby surged forward and wrapped Alex in a big hug, his arms cradling the taller boy.
“Alex, we could never hate you for something like that. You’re okay, you’ve always been okay. We love you so much.” Bobby said. Tears filled Alex’s eyes in a different way and he sobbed as Bobby led him down to the floor. He leaned even further into the hug, as if afraid something would take Bobby away.
“M’ sorry, m’ so sorry. I didn’t know what to do and you guys were just, were…” Alex had to stop his rant to gasp for breath. More arms wrapped around him and he was Reggie and Bobby hugging him on either side.
“Come on, Alex, you're our best friend, we could never hate you. We love Alex hugs.” Reggie said. He leaned into the warmth and smiled, a bit, finally happy to have his boys in his arms again.
“But what’s been going on these past few weeks? What did I do wrong?”
“You did nothing wrong, Lex, trust me on that.” Bobby said.
“Yeah, it’s just you’ve been so freaking sad since you came out to your parents and anytime we tried to hug you…”
“You’d flinch away, we didn’t want to scare you so we thought we’d just give you some time to come to us.” Reggie finished for Luke.
“Oh…did you guys have a sleepover without me?” Alex asked.
“We were going to invite you, but you ran out on us yesterday.” Luke sniffed.
“Yeah, this whole thing was supposed to be about you but you kinda bailed.” Reggie added.
“Oh.”
“Come on,” Bobby said, tugging Alex up by the hand, “We got something for you.” The four of them walked over to the couch and Alex made a point to not notice how all three of them kept a hand on him the entire time. They sat Alex down on the couch and filed in around him-Reggie on the floor, Luke on his right, Bobby on his left. Luke pulled out a box-the same box he’d seen Luke hide earlier-and handed it to him.
“...for me?” Alex questioned.
“Hell yeah, dude!” Luke said.
“Come on, open it!” Reggie encouraged him. Bobby gave his shoulder a comforting squeeze and Alex opened the box to find a piece of pink fabric. He opened it up to discover a large, pink hoodie. The fabric was soft and warm and reminded him of a big hug.
“It’s pink…it's pink!” Alex hugged it close, “I fucking love pink, how did you guys know?”
“We saw you eyeing it at the mall a while back, we know your parents wouldn’t ever buy it for you in pink and we thought you deserved to wear your favorite color.” Bobby said.
“I love it, and I love you guys. Thank you so much, and I’m sorry for ever thinking you guys would…y’know.” Alex said.
“We love you too, Lex, and of course: you deserve the world.” Luke said.
“And we’ll always be here to calm your nerves, okay?” Reggie said.
“Okay.” Alex smiled.
“Now, come on! More hugs!” Reggie yelled. Alex smiled widely for the first time in a while, happiness filling his body as he was attacked by his three best friends.