Chapter Text
Olivia looked at the photo of Noah on her nightstand.
Words couldn’t convey how much she missed her sweet boy. Not for the first time in recent years, she considered how her job impacted well… everything, in her life. Her son had seen her brutally assaulted by boys not much older than himself, watched her shoot a boy in his knee, heard his mother scream… There were days that retirement seemed like a better option. Her son was with his half-brother, the boy’s adoptive parents were fantastic…but Noah missed being home, she knew that. He was having fun, but there were the normal aspects of his life that he was missing out on. She had spoken to him not even two hours before, as she sat in her home, with a shotgun leaned against the wall near her bed.
There was an ache that settled even deeper into her bones.
That soul-crunching ache that left her wondering what was next… she had everything. Well... almost. She had the career of her dreams—being Captain of the precinct that she started at as a bright-eyed detective. She was the mother to a wonderful son. She had amazing relationships, friendships with her colleagues, even with Amanda teaching now, she knew the other woman was only a phone call away. The only real thing missing was a stable relationship with someone she could spend the rest of her years with. Those could be fewer she mused darkly. She was sleep deprived, having terrible flashbacks to Lewis, and she had been alone for far too long in her apartment.
She had closed out over 100 rape cases, Oscar Papa was locked up, and her son would be coming home soon. But soon wasn’t coming soon enough and Olivia was so damn tired.
She eyed her cellphone, which was laying on the bed next to her.
It had been a while since she heard from Elliot. Her fault, this time, mostly anyway. She had ignored his repeated invitations to meet up, let phone calls go to voicemail, and not responded to texts he had sent to try to get her to respond with something other then vague small talk.
The empty glass of wine on the nightstand was probably not a good idea, at least it had not been, not when she had already consumed the bottle, the last drops of it drying in the glass. On a whim, she unlocked her phone and pressed contacts, scrolling to Elliot’s name and pressing the call button before she could overthink it.
It rang once before he answered. It was late evening, but he would still be awake, unless his habits had changed over the years. “Liv…” he sounded surprised.
“Yeah.” She swallowed thickly. Her brain wasn’t addled enough yet to have done this, but yet… she was on the phone with Elliot. “Could you come over?” Shit, shit, shit. The words had slipped out and her resolve wanned. There was silence, it felt like it stretched forever. The silence was broken by the sound of rustling and a distinct chinking of keys.
“I’m heading out the door now. I’ll be there in—”
“Let me text you the new address.” She interrupted. With Elliot still on the line, she punched in the address and sent it. “There’s uh…there’s a uni who will let you in. Just... uh… just say I know you’re coming and let him see your badge. I think his name is Anthony.” Liv knew she was talking fast, and she could practically hear the gears turning in Elliot’s head.
“Got the address. Maps app says it’ll take me twenty minutes. Do you need anything? Be glad to pick it up on my way.”
She exhaled. She should tell him never mind… or maybe just have him bring something and send him away. But she couldn’t force those words through her teeth. She couldn’t make herself push him away this time. Her battered heart couldn’t take it and with a sinking sensation in her gut, she was certain he couldn’t either. “Uh… no. I’m good. If you need anything, go ahead, and stop. I’m not going anywhere.”
“Okay. See you soon.”
Liv ended the call and clutched the phone to her chest. What the fuck have I done? Among other things ran through her mind as she paced back and forth in her bedroom. She walked out into the main room and realized she hadn’t grabbed the shotgun. She went back, grabbed it and sat in the chair, leaning it close by. She closed her eyes, leaning back in the chair and putting pressure on her arched neck. Anything to distract from the not-so-subtle throbbing of her head and the bone-weary tiredness that overwhelmed every fiber of her.
It didn’t take twenty minutes or at least, it didn’t feel like it took twenty minutes. It seemed she had only closed her eyes and there was a sharp knock on the door. She painfully pulled herself from the chair and looked out the peephole, ensuring that it was indeed Elliot standing outside of it. To her relief and chagrin, it was. She unbolted the door, opening it wide enough for him to come in. She didn’t greet him, going through the methodical process of bolting the door, securing the chain, and turning the lock. To some, it would seem like overkill. But to her, right now? She wasn’t taking chances.
“Thanks for coming.” She turned to him, watching the questions form and die on his lips when he noticed the black eye.
“Anytime. Happy that I can be here for you.” He met her gaze and the deep blues pierced her. She felt disarmed. His eyes left hers and roved around the space that was her home. The pictures of her and Noah, the memories on the walls and the touches of a lived-in home. His eyes shifted, his body turning slightly when he noticed the shotgun. “Why did you call me?” His tone soft, somewhere between hopeful that it is that step forward they’ve been talking about since his return and dread that she is about to drop a bombshell on him.
Olivia met his gaze, holding it steady as she opened the floodgates on a dam she had been trying not to. “I needed you, here, with me. And for the first time in 24 years…I could have that. You here, without all the complications. And it is paralyzing because I’m not over you disappearing for a decade. I’m not over you confessing your love for me, in front of your grieving children. I’m not over that letter that Kathy wrote, that you threw a whirlwind line into and just…left me with it. I’m not over you coming to my house drugged with my son home and then disappearing again as someone else—losing yourself in that role and in those people. I’m not over the dangers you have continued to put yourself in since you’ve returned. I’m not over any of that. But… I want to be. With time.” Olivia didn’t hold back her thoughts. Elliot was silent, it seemed he was churning things over and like he wanted to speak. The wounded look made her feel bad, yet she couldn’t handhold his feelings when she had to express hers.
“Elliot… there’s things I’m not over yet, I’m not sure some of these will ever be completely healed. But, with BX9 greenlighting me, my son finding his half-brother and exploring a new family that neither of us knew he had, and my best-friend and ballsy detective leaving…time is something that I realize might not be on my side. Might not be on our side. The brotherhood. BX9. The continual dangers of both our jobs… and I couldn’t sit back in this fear any longer.” Olivia crossed the space, standing in front of Elliot. She reached for his face and he took a tentative step toward her. She gently placed her hands on his cheeks and moved closer, until their noses were nearly touching.
“Liv…” She brought her lips even closer to his. “I’m sorr—” she didn’t let him finish the heartfelt apology. She closed the distance and kissed him.
Time stopped.
Elliot kissed her back, wrapping his arms around her like a protective cocoon from everything the world could throw at them.
She pressed her lips harder against his, caressing his face, running her hands down his powerful jaw and to the muscular neck and shoulders. His hands moved, from being tightly wound around her back to gripping her hips. They broke apart, gasping for air. Olivia pulled back far enough to look into Elliot’s eyes, taking in the emotions that were playing out across his face. She expected to see regret, because how could she live up to expectations he probably had of her? But there was no regret, no disappointment.
“Olivia,” his voice made her knees go weak and she gripped his forearms tightly. “Liv… I want to make all of this right. To be here for you like you want, like you need.”
Olivia had to catch her breath. She stared at him a full minute or more, closing her eyes. Images flashed in her mind and the memories that were flooding her, that had been flooding her for days became too much.
“I need to talk to you about something that happened roughly two years after you left.”
Elliot visibly swallowed. “Anything, Liv. I want to know everything. I’ve been—” She held up a hand. She had to start her story before she lost her nerve.
“We encountered the sickest bastard most of us have ever met. Amanda, the blond detective that just left was the one who just wouldn’t let the case go. It started off minor, flashing, taking pictures… and it evolved into a nightmare.” Olivia took a steadying breath. She was trying to remember the skills she learned in therapy when this was still fresh, but she hadn’t talked about that experience in years. “We had no idea what he was capable of. But we should have known better. He burned off his fingerprints prior to starting his spree. Caused the death of one of our witnesses, an old lady. Cragen took that pretty hard. Due to technicality and dumb luck, he walked away. We had nothing we could make stick.”
Elliot tensed, but he was listening to her. The expression he wore, it showed her all the proof she needed that he never knew about it. That what she was telling him… was something he hadn’t heard. “Cragen sent me home for two days. Said he wanted me to take some time. When I got home, I had a bad feeling. You know I don’t go much on feelings like that, but I didn’t listen to it. And uh… it was right.” Tears pricked her eyes and her voice cracked. “He was waiting in my apartment. I hesitated. He held me at gunpoint, tied me up. I was in and out of consciousness. He continually tortured and humiliated me. He forced sleeping pills and vodka down my throat.” She had to stop. For both of them, for a minute.
“El, your…” she wasn’t sure how to prepare him for what was next. “Just… um.” She gripped his hand. “He burned me with keys and hangers. And… your shield.”
Elliot’s breath hitched and Liv could see the panic settling in, but she couldn’t stop to regulate him, she had to tell her story before she lost the nerve. “He got off, and Captain Cragen sent me home because I took the loss pretty hard. Minimum of two days before he saw my face in the squad room. I got home and I just had a bad feeling. And… uh… it was right.” Her composure broke and tears started in the corners of her eyes. “He was waiting in my apartment for me. I hesitated and woke up taped to my kitchen chair. He bruised me, taunted me… poured alcohol, vodka particularly, down my throat as my only drink and fed me pills like candy. He…” the smell of burnt flesh bubbled inside of her and she looked to her feet, trying to ground herself. “He burned me… with keys and hangers… and your shield…”
Elliot had maintained his composure and he had just let her speak. When she brought up his shield being used, that is when he broke. He pulled away from her and she pointed to where the bathroom was, knowing exactly what he needed.
Olivia didn’t look at the clock or down the hall. She heard retching and had to shut that off. All she could smell was burning flesh, hearing the sizzle, feeling the weight of her own gun being used to pistol-whip her. She was pulled from the all-encompassing flashbacks when she heard Elliot walking through the hall. She looked to him, her eyes red-rimmed and puffy. His were no better. They met half-way. She buried her face against his chest and released a long shaky breath.
“One of my body count was Brian Cassidy.” She tried for some humor but it fell flat. She was referencing a comment he had made some time ago.
“I…”
She shook her head against him and he stopped. “We were seeing each other. Originally he was supposed to come home. But he took another shift. Lewis knew that, he played the voicemail for me of Brian saying that he was sorry but he was taking another shift.” Liv chuckled humorlessly.
“I continued to slip in and out of consciousness from the pain, vodka, and pills. He wouldn’t give me anything else. At some point, he bound and gagged me in the trunk and went to visit his defense attorney that he was using. I managed to get my necklace off to leave it, hoping the squad would realize I was still alive when he dumped the car. He drove her to the train station and returned to her parents’ house. He viciously attacked the father and then he brought me in and made me watch while he raped and tortured her mother. Never felt so helpless in all my life, watching someone be victimized and knowing if I blinked, if I closed my eyes to escape it—she would be punished further.”
“Liv… I had no idea.” She nodded against his chest. She knew. It didn’t ease the pain, but she knew.
“He stole the defense attorney’s parents car and drove along the coast, finding the perfect place for our first time. While en route to this perfect place, he stopped at a hardware store and purchased rope, duct tape, wire, and a handheld blowtorch.” Olivia couldn’t suppress the shudder this time as more memories washed over her. “He finally let me have some water. Just a sip. It wasn’t enough. He said I could only have some if I was a good girl.” This time, Elliot’s body shook. “He ran a blinking red light and a young officer on duty stopped him. He of course didn’t have a license or registration and the officer kept asking questions including about what was wrapped in the tarp in the back. Lewis killed him then. Took his gun, badge, and patrol car. He stopped someone and pistol whipped her, leaving her and her infant in the trunk of the car. He forced me into their minivan.”
Elliot hugged her now, seeming unwilling to let her go. “Liv, I am so sorry.” She could feel tears dripping on her head, soaking up her brown hair. “I’m so sorry. So absolutely sorry.”
“He found the place he was looking for. Vacant house. He threw me on the bed and handcuffed me… after helping me go to the bathroom. He told me that I was going to scream for the person I was thinking of and he couldn’t wait to find out who it was, said that all his victims call out for that person before the end.” She blanched at the memory. “He left for a while. I believe moving the van to another house to throw off anyone searching for it. He came back in and started to cut off my clothes when a maid and her young daughter knocked on the door. He held them hostage, planning to torture them.”
“God.”
“In those moments, I was begging any god that was listening.” She mumbled. “To buy time and distract him from them. I mocked him for raping children and old women. That he was scared of me, couldn’t get it up for me. While he was out, I had wiggled the iron bar of the bed and thought maybe it was loose enough. When he unbuckled his pants, I used all my strength and broke it loose and I smashed it into his face. He tried to get the gun and I beat his arm and then kicked him in the groin. While he was indisposed, I grabbed the gun and knocked him out with it.”
Elliot pulled back to look at her, as if checking her for the old wounds that were long healed. “Is he dead?”
Liv let out a dark chuckle. “Yes. There is a story to tell for that, as well. But, let me finish this one… I… well the articles and case files can be emailed to you by Fin later.” Depsite herself, she pressed a kiss against his cheek. “I helped the young woman and child leave, they were illegal and I didn’t want ICE to take them… after I went back in and I beat him nearly to death. I told him what you would do to him, that you would kick his teeth in, break his legs, his arms, his back, his face. I broke. He tried to mock me still and I couldn’t. After, I perjured myself and said he tried to break free to come after me.”
Elliot kissed the crown of her forehead. “It was more then justified.” He mumbled coarsely.
Liv wouldn’t have ever said it, maybe still wouldn’t, but Elliot’s words of understanding were like salve for a burn. She had no idea how profound it would feel for her to hear those words. “They found me, not long after. And..I…” she broke then, sobs coming through. “I looked for you… ‘cos it was national news, maybe international news. I had been gone four days. And..uh… I was so defeated, so empty. And then… then I was so angry because I wanted you and I needed you after that and you didn’t come, you didn’t call. Many sleepless nights I longed for a text, an email, a goddamned voicemail or something.” She was shaking and a sob that was not her own shook her body. “His voice haunted me, still haunts me sometimes. I pulled my gun on any noise. I couldn’t have sex or intimacy with Brian or anyone for some time. There were some really dark moments… I considered leaving. More then once considered…” she had to stop herself. That was something she had never voiced for anyone. She couldn’t now. Not now.
Elliot’s entire body was quaking with the intensity of the sobs wracking him. “I had no idea, I swear to god I had no idea. I would have been here for you. No hesitation.” He shook his head and he kissed her forehead feverishly. “I swear I never knew. I never knew.” His arms tightened around her until she winced and then he loosened his grip. She wasn’t sure what reaction he would have but a crying one wasn’t on the top of the list, she figured she would be replacing a door or redoing the drywall from him putting his fist through it.
She cleared her throat. “Part of me knew that you didn’t know. But hearing it… it makes me feel better.”
Elliot kissed her hairline and she felt the tears dripping on her still. “Did… did he rape you?”
Olivia pulled back and met his eyes. “I.. I don’t know. When they did the rape kit, they didn’t find anything. And I just don’t know. I think that he wanted me to be responsive when he raped me… but I can’t say that he didn’t do anything to me while I was unconscious or too sedated with the drugs and alcohol. Whether he did… or didn’t… the things he did to me that I remember… they did as much damage.”
She could see the grim look that Elliot wore and she knew that it didn’t help him. It didn’t help her either, but she had long moved on from that because she didn’t know for certain what happened in some of those blank spaces of time where she wasn’t in her body. She couldn’t account for everything that happened in those moments. Though part of her wished she knew for certain, the rest of her knew that it wouldn’t make a difference. She had been the victim of a violent crime and she got away.