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It’s been a year since he left. Complete and utter silence since the letter was left under her door. Over the last 365 days, it’s been slowly driving her insane; up the walls. She’s been on edge and testy. The Detective did manage to find some solace and semblance of peace in her brief relationship with David. That went well. Sarcasm.
Olivia’s had 365 days to stew in her anger. To write songs about longing and ones about hate. About being in love. About heartbreak. The growing silence is driving her crazy, and it’s beginning to show.
“Oh my God, will you please stop?” Cragen calls from his office entrance. “You’re raising everyone’s anxiety, including mine and I’m in my office! Come here.”
Olivia pushed up from her desk and followed the man back into his office, past faces of worry mixed with relief.
“Close the door.”
“Captain, I-”
“No need to explain Liv. I understand. He was your partner and he’s gone. And I know it hurts and it’s hard to believe, but he’s not coming back. At least not anytime soon. It’s been a year. I need you to try and move forward. To live in the present. The here and now. Where I have three new detectives and could use your help getting them acclimated. I need you to let him go. At least at work. Okay?”
There was a long stretch of silence before she gave him the briefest ‘okay’ and raced from his office.
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“Fin, where are we going? You told Cragen the lead was across town?” Olivia groaned.
“I have the kids chasing down all our leads and reporting to Munch instead of Cragen, so I could carry out my plan.”
“Which is?” Just as she asked the question, their surroundings began to look familiar.
“Fin! Seriously? You brought me here? Now? In the middle of the work day?”
“Hey, I told Cragen that I knew a way to get you out of your funk, if only temporarily, and he said go for it. I didn’t tell him it would be on company time, hence everyone reporting to Munch.”
“You know, I would’ve rather gone to the shooting range, that way I could’ve imagined the poster was him. That would’ve made me feel better. And I could technically call it work if we get caught.” The younger detective sarcastically lectured as they marched up the known staircase to the studio.
“This will make you feel better too and you know it.”
“I don’t even have another song Fin.” A flat-out lie.
“Okay. Then freestyle.”
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“Alright since I’m being forced to do this, I don’t want any music and I want you to mute it for me and you guys. I’m going to freestyle and I wanna see what I can pull out of the silence.” Olivia instructed.
“Yes ma’am.” Damian playfully saluted. “You’re on.”
Okay, here goes nothing.
Thirty minutes later, lyrics are scribbled across a piece of printer paper. A song from the heart put into words.
“Hey, can I use this guitar?” Olivia asked.
“You play guitar too?” Damian questioned, astonished. “Why were you hiding her from me?” He jokingly asked Fin. “Yes, of course. This is something I would like to see.”
“Okay, uh, record this.” Liv played a riff on the guitar, causing excited shouts to come from the men.
“What the hell? This song is going to be great.” Damian praised.
“I hope so. Okay, play the track without the guitar from the beginning. Let’s record full out.”
The music filled the booth and Olivia shined.
It's been a long night for me, there's only so much I can take
I'm the one who's gotta pay, yeah, yeah
Ghosted me for no reason, this ain't somethin' I can shake
Must be somethin' I can say, yeah
Yeah, the person that I knew was special
Someone I don't know
And it's got me so confused, I let go
All of my control
The guitar sounded in the booth again. A vision forming in Olivia’s mind of the final product. This is going to be great.
And no matter what I do, I can't let go
I can't let go, I can't let…
Flashes of Cragen ordering her to move on fill her mind, fueling her rage. She thrusts that passion into her singing and playing.
No matter what I do, I can't let go
I can't let go, I won't let go, ooh
I won't let go, ooh
“I’m your partner for better or worse.” The memory slips from the recesses of her mind to the forefront.
Yeah, a lot has changed since the day
We made it official, I miss you
Love has changed since the day
We made it official, I miss you
Memories of a brief few weeks in April 2007 come to mind. Self-sabotage, you do it everytime. “Elliot, we can’t keep doing this. For many reasons. You’re not even divorced yet and what about our jobs?”
“Liv I’m getting divorced and I’ll transfer, I don’t care. We finally have a shot at this, why are you backing out now? I want to be with you and I know you want to be with me too. ”
Drip falling off my fit, I'm hoping you see
“Drip?” Olivia questioned the men during the song editing process.
“Yeah, it can mean your clothes are nice or that you just possess this… coolness.” Damian struggled to explain.
“Mhhmm, okay. I trust you guys. I guess.”
“Hey, think of it as a compliment. I like a lot of your outfits. If I didn’t know you were totally in love with someone else, I might have asked you out.” He playfully flirted.
“Play the music.” Fin gave him a deadly look, causing Olivia to laugh.
“Don’t kill him, Fin.”
I'm walking with our friends, they walking with me
I hope it's just a fallout, one day I'ma call ya
You gon' be like, "Man, I fucking miss you, babe"
"Yeah, I miss you, babe", I hope that's what you say
Do you even think of me? If I’m alright? Do you miss me or are you happier than ever? Olivia can’t stop the depressive thoughts, so she uses them as ammo.
If it's not, then god damn, we are both to blame
"I miss you, babe", yeah, that's what I said
I'm so damn ashamed, all I have to say
The chords she plays on the guitar ricochet off the walls, surrounding her with music that sounds just as sad as she feels.
No matter what I do, I can't let go
I can't let go, I can't let
No matter what I do, I can't let go
I can't let go, I can't let go, ooh
I won't let go, ooh
I won't let-
She plays an end riff on the guitar and the music fades out. “Well, do you think we’ve got another hit on our hands?”
The men just sit, shell-shocked and in awe of the talent the detective possesses.
“Damn sure! You need to freestyle more often.”