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Chuuya always hated going after what his heart was longing for. He preferred to use his brain to find the most reasonable answers, not the emotional ones. He could no longer trust those. They betrayed him a little too many times.
That's why he ignored the way his heart was screaming leave! during his first encounter with Dazai. He had no background on why he should get away from him, nor any reasons not to go with him.
But, deep down, Chuuya knew that his heart was always right. He'd figure out the reasoning behind his thoughts, sooner or later.
Maybe that is why his heart seemed to scream, shout and howl I'm longing after you each time his mind put together a thought of Dazai. The moment he saw a glimpse of said man, a peak of his things at the empty apartment he can't bring himself to throw away, burn it all down, rip it to pieces-
The everyday life he was once a part of now had a gaping hole that seemed to suck out every positive thought he had. Disappeared so suddenly and left a mark that was still pouring out pulsating blood, that seemed so deep that the thought of healing never even passed around his mind. Left without a goodbye. Without saying sorry. Without anything.
Perhaps Chuuyas destiny was being left all alone? Abandoned by everyone, intentionally or not. And not even once was he given a chance to say his farewell.
He could only hide in the depths of his house (his, it's his now), and push away this drowning feeling that his own heart was surrounding him. It was pressing against his chest, so heavily that Chuuya started gasping for air, wheezing at the loss of oxygen inside his lungs.
And yet, his heart, the traitor, was still thinking positively of Dazai. Of all the happy moments spent in those walls. Chuuya felt like they were written all over the place in dark, permanent ink. Slowly dancing in the kitchen to the refrigerator light, finding each other passed out from overusing alcohol, trying to keep the warmth from escaping their bodies by hugging-
The stories Chuuya not long ago was a part of might be too much for him to handle. He would do everything not to be reminded of them from the moment he woke up until he fell asleep, surrounded by suffocating memories tied to this place.
But, it would be like chasing after clouds. So far away from your reach, and yet being encircled by them, no matter what he did or where he went. They were an unforgettable part of his life, reminding him of their existence at his every movement.
During moments like this, Chuuya would do anything to ignore the happy memories he had of Dazai, instead focusing on the negative ones. Trying to manipulate him after getting told no, using methods taught by Mori on Chuuya, leaving him after using Corruption, all vulnerable and broken beyond what is considered human, leaving him for good-
It all seemed to go back to where he was now. Left alone in this burning hell called his life. His sense of security tied to a specific person was gone, dead and buried. The trust he placed in him, was he not worthy of the same treatment? Chuuya would give anything for a peek into Dazai’s mind. What he truly felt about him.
The person who could make him feel normality for one, get rid of the beast underneath his skin, even if it was only for a brief moment. He was the only person he thought about turning to when things were about to get bad again, crushing his body with negative emotions under heavy rubble that he couldn't get out of alone.
The monster stuck inside his body always seemed to find a way to communicate with Chuuya. They were never good things. Reminders of his failures, which technically were supposed to make him stronger and more immune to weak, human emotions.
But he wasn't a human, after all, was he? Deep down, he knew that he was missing out on the things everyone else had experienced. They say ‘each person is different’ and 'everyone has their own past and memories', but there are things that link everyone together. And those things always avoided Chuuya like a plague.
He never got to experience childhood innocence, not that he knew of. Never got the time to adjust to the roles that were given to him. Everyone always expected him to fit right into them. Every calm and quiet moment he had, when he could relax and never look back, was always brutally ripped away from him, not caring about the damage they were about to leave. Like he wasn't worthy of having a peaceful second in his life.
But, was he worthy of anything? Of having someone to care about you? not anymore. Of feeling soothed by someone's presence? no, no. Of having a clean mind, body or past? how could he.
…was he worthy of living?
of course not.
Maybe that would explain how he got here. Curled up on the floor inside his living room, desperately wishing for something, someone to come and free him from this haze.
For once, no alcohol found its place inside his bloodstream, even if subconsciously he longed for the rush of it entering his organism. The burning taste inside his mouth, fog over his brain doubling in size, losing control of his body. All just to stop thinking. To get rid of his own memories. Maybe after one too many drinks, he would wake up from a hangover not remembering any of it? Any of this?
What wishful thinking.
He was stuck here, painfully sober, thoughts building one on another, eventually becoming unaware of anything happening inside his mind.
Maybe he was going crazy. Would he even know it?
Right now he was pathetically lying on his back, in an apartment full of memories he can't have anymore, but could keep them away from the rest of the world. Maybe one more chair in the kitchen than he needs will be convenient one day. Just, don't think about the person that used to sit on it. Drink his morning coffee with too much sugar in it for his own good.
Chuuya won't be able to bury those feelings, was he?
He heard one more I am longing after you from somewhere deep in his chest before he passed out from exhaustion.