Chapter Text
It happened so suddenly and innocuously that Chan was actually mad.
Big revelations, he thought, should be dramatic. Should hit at the most opportune times—at the beginning of an apocalypse, right after a near-death experience, amidst fire and crashing waves and lightening and earthquakes.
Instead, there he was sitting in a random room in the JYP building on a random Sunday evening. He was wearing the stupidest shirt in creation—festooned with kangaroos and koalas with the words “My son went to SYDNEY and all he brought me back was this t-shirt”. It had been a gift from Felix, something he had picked up at the airport on his latest trip back home and brought back for Chan. He had been so eager to see Chan wear in during his next Chan’s Room, swearing that it would be so hilarious. So that was exactly what Chan was doing. A case of vegemite—another gift from his Aussie bro—sat next to his feet under the table.
‘Please react to this fancam of Taste” a Stay had asked him in chat.
Chan didn’t even think twice before clicking on the link she sent. He had reacted to Taste on an earlier vlive, but watching another version was a small ask to keep the fans happy. Plus, he loved watching his member’s sub unit projects and hyping them up. Especially when it came to the Danceracha members, who were all still a bit unconfident with their writing skills.
As the opening notes started playing, Chan let his thoughts wander to everything that had been happening in the past few days. It was a strange time for him and the Kids—a short lull in schedules before the big rush of end of the year award shows, the drop of their SKZ replay album, and more touring dates. That was why Felix had even been allowed to go to Australia, if only for three days, to spend an early Christmas with his family. Felix had just returned from his trip that morning and now everything felt normal again. It had been a little hollow for them all without their ball of sunshine around. Or at least, Chan assumed it felt that way for all the other members as well.
It was strange though, now that he thought about it. Because it wasn’t like other members hadn’t ever gone to visit their own families every now and then. All of the members besides him and Felix actually went pretty often. In fact, a good number of them were currently gone to see family. Plus this time Felix had only been gone for a few days. So why had Chan felt so empty during that time?
Maybe it was because Felix was his sounding board and he missed having him there to talk to on those nights that went on a little too long—his brain becoming a bit too much of a mess. Even though he had been in Korea for almost half his life now, it still felt awkward to talk about his deep feelings in Korean. His thoughts came to him more naturally in English. Or was it more that his thoughts came to him more naturally around Felix? It would make sense. Felix was his best friend, the only member who never poked fun at him and he could always trust to be completely honest with him no matter what.
Felix felt like home.
And Oh
Bang Chan looked at the screen where Danceracha were doing a series of body rolls and…
Oh..
The last line of the song, sung by Felix in his surprise falsetto rang out. “Once we’ve started, you must be mine”
Oh no
That was where it all came crashing down and hit Chan all at once, like some type of mac truck running straight into his chest. He felt both out of breath and like hyperventilating all at once. Nothing made sense at all, besides this new revelation.
Because it was here—on this random Sunday, as he was filming live, with no rhyme or reason behind it—that Bang Chan came to the biggest realization of his life.
Fuck
He was in love with Felix.
His mind went blank for a second—the only words bouncing about were “Felix” “Love” and “what the fuck” all in various orders. And then it started racing…How could he be coming to this conclusion now, 4 years after their debut? Felix hadn’t even done anything different or out of the ordinary lately, besides going on a short vacation.
And like, yeah, maybe Taste had been an ongoing disaster for his nerves ever since it had been recorded and every single time it was performed on stage but like…that was normal, right? It was totally normal to feel like your stomach was about to burn itself alive when your bro was gyrating on stage.
And it was totally normal to miss your bro when he went on a casual three day vacation—miss him to the point where you sat in your studio and wrote depressing lyrics until 5 in the morning. Chan strained to remember anything that he had written that night. The phrases “God’s tears fell like rain” and "Earth breaks like my heart and swallows me whole” came to mind and it took all the effort in him not to straight up barf at the cringe and drama of it all.
Okay, maybe this wasn’t normal. But did it mean love?
It was only then that Chris looked over at the chat—which was moving at an incredibly fast pace—and realized that he was filming live and probably looked like he was in a trance for the past five minutes. He quickly read over the comments, eyes growing wide.
'Yah, Chan…you’re not really reacting to the fancam at all, man'
'Is Chan okay? Why does he look like he’s constipated?'
'Maybe he hates Taste?'
'No way, how can anybody hate Taste? Maybe he’s just really into it'
'The man literally looks like the bank face emoji. I don’t think he’s into it'
'Maybe he’s upset that we didn’t ask him to watch 3racha instead?'
Oh shit, Chan thought, he had to say something quickly before all the fans thought he had some sort of grudge against danceracha. Which really wasn't the case. The exact opposite of that was the case, in fact, and...Focus, Chan
“Sorry for not reacting much guys! Don’t worry, I totally love Taste. It’s just that I….”
What could he possibly say that would make any sense? Because he couldn’t just be like lol sorry guys, I wasn’t paying attention because I was in the middle of an existential crisis because the fact that I think I’m in love with one of my bandmates just casually popped into my head. No, he definitely could not say that. Maybe he could just go with…
“I uh…stubbed my toe right before I clicked play and I was spending the whole time trying not to cry in pain”
Okay, random. But, honestly, not the most random thing that had ever been said on Chan's room before. So it wasn't really much of a surprise when all the fans accepted his excuse without a second thought. Though Chan wondered if he should feel a tad insulted that they weren't surprised he did something so clumsy.
'Lmao what a Chan thing to do, for real'
'Wow, he’s able to handle pain pretty well, huh? He had a total poker face. That’s kinda hot' Chan was a little concerned about that commenter…
'Be careful, Chris!'
'See, I knew our leader wouldn’t hate anything that his kids do'
'Yeah, imagine him hating something that his favorite child helped make'
“Favorite child?” Chan said aloud as he read the comment. Now hold on a second here. If people were accusing him of favoritism…
'Felix, Chris. We all know he’s everyone’s favorite child'
…they might be right on the mark. Though, to be fair, they did say that Felix was everybody’s favorite child. Which was probably true. It was hard to not want to dote on the younger man. He was sunshine personified and he gave out so much boundless love to everyone that it made you strive even harder to give it back to him.
Maybe that’s all he was feeling when it came to Felix after all, Chan thought to himself. Maybe it was just that overprotective feeling. He loved all of his members and yeah, maybe there was the slightest bit of favoritism when it came to his fellow Aussie—but how could there not be? Felix had been his go to ever since he came in as an awkward kid who couldn't speak Korean. He was his fellow Aussie. Who else would know what in the world Chan was complaining about when he said that Luna Park was garbage and that they should have never gotten closed down Wonderland? Plus, everyone had a soft spot when it came to Felix. Everybody loved him. And just because Chan loved someone didn’t necessarily mean he was in love with them.
Satisfied with that answer for now, Chan gave all of his listeners a nighttime song recommendation and a hug and then ended his vlive. He wasn’t exactly in the right mindset to keep streaming anyways.
He stared at his computer screen, where the fancam of Taste was still pulled up. As though he was possessed by something, he hit play and watched it again. And then again. He stared intensely at the screen and then typed in “Taste individual fancam” into the YouTube search bar.
He watched Minho and Hyunjin’s fancams first; trying to gauge what his reaction would be to each one. And watching them, he felt an immense amount of pride in his boys and what they created. He felt thankful to his 19 year old self for picking both of them and seeing this potential in them. The way they moved, the way they sang—it was beautiful and he felt grateful that he was able to see this. Grateful that he got to be in a band with them. These were his kids and he loved them.
He then pulled up Felix’s fancam and took a deep inhale before clicking play. Felix’s hair was black and fluffy and for a second all Chan could think was that he probably liked this hair the best. Felix was always the best when he was closest to his natural state. The younger boy was forever worrying that he wouldn’t stand out if he didn’t have colored hair, which was just silly. Chan didn’t think it was possible to look at a stage and not notice Felix straight away.
The first chords started, and with them Felix turned on what all of the kids called his ‘Demon mode’. It was the side of him that only showed up on stage or in music videos (and sometimes in the recording studio) and it was so different from his real self that they couldn’t do anything but just laugh in wonder over it.
For the first part of the song, Chan felt exactly as he had with Minho and Hyunjin—the pride, the gratefulness, the warm and gentle love. And he almost felt a sense of relief because this was all that it was. It was just a normal, brotherly love and…
…And then Felix’s line right before the drop hit.
Just Look At Me
The music wasn’t the only thing that dropped as Chan felt his whole body turn ice cold and then boiling hot in the matter of seconds. He couldn’t help but do just as Felix commanded and keep his eyes trained on the younger boy as he dropped to the ground.
Okay, so there wasn’t anything really gentle or brotherly about this.
Chan shut the screen of his laptop with such force that he was actually a little insulted when he didn’t hear it crack. Maybe he needed to hit the gym more often? Maybe he was skipping arm day too much?
Maybe he needed to stop being sad he didn’t permanently break his most precious piece of equipment and instead deal with this new revelation he just had?
No, not going to do that Chan thought, as he stowed his non-broken laptop away and cleaned up the space around him before heading out of the JYP building and to the dorms. Luckily the new place they had moved to wasn’t too far from the company building, a handful of blocks away in a more quiet, tucked in part of Gangdong. They didn’t get the amazing river views that the company building did, but their area was much less crowded and they were not too far away from Gwangnaru Park, where Chan often liked to go to clear his head at 3am. He would probably do the same thing tonight, but for now he just wanted to go home and take a long shower and not think about anything.
And it did work for a bit. But, unfortunately for Chan, the universe seemed to hate him that day because when he came out at 2:30am—dressed in countless layers as he got ready for his early morning sad boy walk, Felix was casually lounging on one of their living room sofas: scrolling trough tiktok.
“Lix? What are you doing here?”
“Your place is a mess, Chris” Felix said casually, not looking up from his phone or really answering the question.
Chan liked how when it was just the two of them, all formalities dropped and he was just ‘Chris’. Not Chan-hyung, not a leader, not anyone with any responsibilities in the world. He was just a kid from Sydney talking to another kid from Sydney.
“We’ve roomed with Changbin before so you should know. Man is like a living tornado. And Hyunjinnie leaves these weird black stains everywhere”
“I think they’re charcoal”
“Charcoal? Did he pick up a barbecue hobby recently or something?” Chan wondered. If he did, it really wasn’t producing much. Dinner everyday was still the same sad microwave chicken breasts…
This caused Felix to finally look up, face lighting up in mirth. “Oh my god, the charcoal is for his drawings. This really is like the meme about the art student living with three gyms bros”
“I’ve never seen that meme”
“You’ve never seen any meme, you grandpa” Felix laughs, “besides the ones Stays post and you have to ask me what they mean half the time”
Chris sighed deeply “Did you come to our apartment just to make fun of me?”
“No, I was the only one awake in our place…jet lag, you get it. I came down here hoping one of you would be up too”
Chan laughed “Yeah, well you know me. Up all night…”
“Yeah, yeah all the time” Felix finished easily, pumping one arm in a halfhearted attempt at the choreo. It was adorable and Chan felt that familiar warm feeling spread through his chest.
“Are you going out?” Felix asked, motioning towards the layers of clothes Chan was wearing.
“Yeah, going for a walk. Got too much on my mind lately”
“I’ll come too!” Felix said eagerly “I’ve been feeling kind of down since getting back. Just let me change into something warmer and grab my jacket. I’ll meet you in the lobby, yeah?”
And Chan wanted to tell Felix no—because it would probably be pretty counterintuitive to invite the very person that was making his mind too full of thoughts on the walk meant to empty his head. But Felix said he was feeling down and Chan knew that it was against every atom in his body to deny Felix anything when he was feeling down.
Plus, he thought as the younger boy ran out of the apartment in clumsy steps, maybe spending more time with Felix would help him realize if his feelings were actually love or not. What he was feeling could just been a rush of residual emotions that came with missing Felix when he was away, or some sort of homesickness manifesting itself onto the only other Australian in the group. It could be a lot of things…
Or it could be love
Chan really hated his brain sometime. He also hated his heart for the stupid flip flop thing it did when Felix came rushing down into the lobby of the apartment dressed in a fluffy mint green jacket and black beanie that slid down so low it nearly covered his eyes.
The two of them slid out a side entrance and starting walking towards Gwangnaru. Felix was almost vibrating with pent up energy, his whole body bouncing with every step.
“I keep getting taken aback by how cold Korea gets” Felix said as they crossed the deserted street “it was so warm in Australia…Ah, Chris, take me back”
“Wish I could, mate”
“At least I got to go back home for a few days” Felix said, looking over at Chan “When are you going to get the chance to go again?”
Chan shrugged, trying not to think about it. The last trip in August and the Australian tour dates had meant to placate both of them. But all it did was make them miss their families and home country more.
“Arson” Felix said out of nowhere. Chan stopped in his steps and looked over at the younger boy.
“What?”
“I’ll commit arson. I’ll burn down the JYP building and while they’re investigating who did it, it’ll buy you some time to go back home” Felix said.
“Okay, and then what happens when their investigation leads to you?”
“Tsch” Felix said, almost sounding insulted “I’ve watched far too many crime animes to be stupid enough to leave evidence behind. But if they do suspect me, I’ll just deflect and blame it on someone else”
“Who?”
“Hyunjin. He’s the one with the charcoal, after all” Both of them looked at each other and then burst into laughter.
“Can you imagine?” Chan said in between giggles “Stray Kids breaking up because one of us got falsely accused of burning down the JYP building by his other member”
“Rest in peace, organic cafeteria food” Felix replied, wiping away a fake tear “but it would be worth it for you to get to see your family again. The building burning down that is, not Stray Kids breaking up”
“I’ll get to see my family again sometime soon, don’t worry…or burn anything down for real” Chan said fondly “They're planning on coming here for Christmas. But in the meantime, tell me everything about your trip back home, yeah?”
Felix’s eyes lit up and he started bouncing all over again as the words come rushing out of his mouth—clumsily as though there were too many thoughts trying to get out at once. He talks about the beach, his grandmother, the Christmas trees, the heat, his sisters, the pier, his parents…he talks as though Chan would understand how important every single one of those things was to him…
And the thing is, Chan does.
He understood and longed for those simple minute Australian things that they had taken for granted as kids. And when Felix talks about his family, Chan realizes how familiar they all are to him as well. He had met and hung out with Felix’s sisters a handful of times—hell, both his and Felix’s little sisters were friends too. He had gone to brunch with Felix’s parents, visited Felix’s grandmother, who had made him gain 2 pounds in a single day with how much she fed him.
Felix was just…home. More home than any of his actual homes. Both Australia and Korea held important fragments of his life—but Felix held them all. He was the nostalgic longing of memories of sunshine and Australian beaches; the proud, current memories of this team of ragtag kids finding each other in Korea and chasing their dreams together; and the unexpected excitement of what the future might hold…all wrapped up into one person.
Chan knew that this was more than just a normal fondness. More than the hot, rolling feeling whenever he watched Taste. More than the overpowering affection he felt for all of the other members.
It was there, under a streetlight, that Chan knew for sure. The air was cold and stark, but the light shined softly down on Felix. His eyes were crinkled in joy, hands coming up to fidget with his hair, his ears, the rim of his beanie. The slightest bit of freckles showed above his mask.
It was still a random Sunday, but this time the revelation was a little less random and more overwhelming.
He was in love with Felix.
Well, shit…now what?