Chapter Text
Copia stood silently in shock. His blood had turned cold, and he was fairly sure that his heart had stopped beating. Surely he hadn’t heard them right. That would be crazy, inappropriate, wrong, twisted, and fucked up beyond what he was capable of. He had to have heard Sister wrong. That was- that was impossible.
When he woke up that morning, Copia had expected a normal photoshoot day, striking some poses with his ghouls and, reluctantly, with Nihil. However, he could not have anticipated what they would ask of him. He thought he had heard something about ‘Terzo’s head’. Surely it was some kind of sick prank.
He had not seen any of the Emeritus brothers in days. Usually, Primo was tending to the ministry gardens, Secondo was in and out of his rooms with new women every time, and Terzo was sulking down the halls, moaning of his forced retirement. Copia had talked to him a few times after the ‘incident’ during Monstrance Clock at his final performance. He thought Terzo had finally made his peace, but perhaps that had come more forcefully than he had expected. No, surely that was impossible; Nihil would never allow that.
All of Copia’s panicked thoughts ceased into a brief moment of silence before there was a loud incessant ringing that filled his ears. Someone had set a black metal case on the table just beyond the photoshoot stage. The clergy member was speaking to the Cardinal, but he couldn’t hear a damned thing above the ringing in his ears.
The clergy member opened the case, and there was a strong stench that Copia could only describe as death. The clergy member winced and took a step back and quickly spun the open case towards the stunned Cardinal.
Sure enough, inside the case was Terzo’s head.
The ringing in his ears was becoming impossibly louder, sounding almost like sirens. Copia would think this was some sort of sick prank, but all the pieces from the previous month were clicking into place to form an unfortunate story.
The Emeritus brothers had been missing for just over a month, disappearing immediately after a short urgent meeting with Nihil and Imperator to discuss their next assignments. There was a brief rumor that all three brothers were returning to the road to tour, but that rumor was quickly followed by a nastier rumor that the three brothers had met their fate at that meeting. Copia had dismissed it as ridiculous ministry gossip. During that time, he had been preoccupied with his new assignment as the new lead of Ghost. So, he had accepted Sister’s short answer that they were overseas in the States helping organize new potential churches.
Copia swallowed thickly as a wave of nausea and guilt threatened to drown him. Were his brothers dead because of him? Was this his fault? If it was, Copia wasn’t sure if he could live with himself.
“Uh, sorry about the smell.” Copia barely heard the clergy member apologize. “We, uh, took the head out of the fridge a bit too early.”
“A bit?” Nihil replied incredulously behind him.
The man did not sound upset. He thought he had lost all of his sons, and yet he didn’t grieve; instead, he was just happy to be reinstated as Papa. Copia felt the cold wave of grief be swallowed by a hot wave of anger. How? How could Nihil do this to his own sons? How could Imperator do this? He knew she was harsh and demanding, but he never expected this.
“Come on,” Nihil chastised. “We don’t have all day, Cardinal.”
Copia swallowed thickly, trying to keep the contents of his stomach down. It had been a bad idea to eat breakfast just before the photoshoot.
The Cardinal took a deep breath through his mouth, trying to avoid inhaling the smell anymore than he already had, and slowly reached for the head. He picked it up by the sides, his fingers gripping tightly into the rough hair at the temples. It was heavier than he had expected, but then again, he had never really thought about how heavy a human head would feel in his hands.
“Alright, let’s get this over with” the Clergy photographer announced shakily. It seemed that everyone else in the room was disturbed by the decapitated head except for the father- well, and Imperator. The small waves of rage were the only counter Copia had against the larger wave of grief that threatened to bubble up out of his throat.
Copia walked back towards the photostage, but he felt like someone else was moving his legs, making him move. He felt like a worn out puppet, just waiting for someone to cut the strings. Copia had to hold his breath as he shifted the head in his hands, and he refused to look down at his half-brother’s head. He ended up with one hand on top of Terzo’s head, his fingers entangled and gripping tightly in the dark strands, and his other hand supporting the head under the chin. The head was tilted slightly in his arms, but the photographer did not seem to mind.
The Cardinal closed his eyes and forced himself to take a deep, slow breath. He could taste decay in the breath, but he just clenched his jaw and forced the breath out and forced his jaw to relax. He looked at the camera with a serious but unshocked face. He could hear the rustling of Nihil’s papal robes behind him as he posed. Out of his peripheral vision, he could see Nihil’s hand, finger pointed, just past his own arm.
“Alright, perfect,” the photographer said. “Hold that for just a moment.” Copia didn’t even blink as the camera flashed several times in a row, blinding him. He didn’t feel anything at all except for the coldness of the head in his hands, but there was also something else- warm and sticky.
Finally, the flashes stopped, and he could see people starting to break the stage down. Copia frantically searched for the table with the case, and he nearly ran to the table once he spotted it. Instead of handing it to the clergy member, Copia forced himself to gently lay the head back into the foam backing of the case. Terzo’s lifeless mismatched eyes stared up at him, and Copia felt cold and empty as he stared back. The moment was brief, perhaps only a second, but it was far too long. Copia quickly shut the case and fastened the locks.
The waiting clergy member watched him with sad eyes. The man moved his gaze down towards the Cardinal’s hands, and Copia didn’t even want to look. However, he forced his gaze downwards to his gloved hands. On the black leather gloves, his new ones adorned with grucifixes, were thick stains of smeared blood. For a moment, the panicked ringing returned to his ears, and he knew his breathing was far too quick and shallow to be sustainable.
“Uh, sir, maybe- maybe I can-”
“No, no thank you,” The Cardinal forced himself to say as he turned and fled the area. He could distantly feel several sets of eyes following him, and as he walked out the door, a Sister of Sin looked at him with a pitying look. Her eyes were wide and glistened with unshed tears. She held the door open for him and gave him a small nod of reassurance as he sped past her.
Copia could feel his legs moving, his thighs burning as he walked as quickly as he could, but he felt impossibly distant from his body. His hands were still in front of him, palms up, to prevent the blood from spilling onto the marble floors of the ministry hallways. He wasn’t sure where exactly his legs were carrying him, but he trusted his instincts to get him as far away from the decapitated head of his brother as he could. In front of him, he recognized the doors to the ‘backyard’ of the ministry. There were no gardens beyond those doors, just tall, untrimmed grass and overgrown trees held within tall stone walls rather than iron fences. Perfect.
A distant part of him thought he heard the call of his name, but he elected to ignore it. He had much more pressing matters to deal with. Copia opened the door by pushing his weight against it using his side, being sure to avoid touching anything with his hands.
Once he was outside, he quickly shuffled to the corner of the lot where a tall twisted tree was rooted. Copia leaned up against the tree with his hip and forearm, still refusing to use his hands. He leaned forward with a groan as felt his stomach roll from what he had just experienced, what he had just done. He tried to swallow the bile down, but his mind unhelpfully provided a perfectly crisp image of Terzo’s head in the case, his hair mussed from Copia’s hands, his mismatched empty eyes boring into Copia’s own. With that, Copia leaned forward again and lost his breakfast. He gagged painfully around the bile, and he couldn’t tell if the tears streaming down his face were from the vomiting or from the whole ordeal, likely a mixture of the two. Copia gagged a final time, but nothing came up. Finally, he was able to take a desperate breath in and try to catch his breath. Distantly, he knew he was hyperventilating, but there wasn’t anything that he could currently do about that.
Copia suddenly felt an unexpected hand on his back and he flinched away from it. He didn’t know who it was, but he wanted them to go away. He wanted to flee. Using his forearm, he pushed himself off the tree and tried to stumble away; however, he didn’t get far. He only got a few feet away when his legs gave out from under him, and he landed harshly on his knees, immediately curling in on himself. He rested his forehead on his knees and tucked his elbows tightly into his sides, but his hands were still palm up at his sides.
He could hear several voices over the ringing in his ears, but they sounded distant and muffled. He just wanted them to go away. Why wouldn’t they leave? Hadn’t he done enough?
Copia then felt two hands, one on each shoulder, and he was coherent enough to notice that the hands were different sizes, implying different people. Why wouldn’t they leave him alone? Couldn’t they take a hint? Plus, he wasn’t any use to anyone in his current state.
Copia squeezed his eyes shut, and he could feel fresh tears slip down his cheeks. His breathing was even more haggard than before, and he felt dizzy, lightheaded.
“Copia!” This voice was insistent and directly in front of his face. A set of matching hands gripped his face and forced him to look upwards. Through his blurry vision, he recognized the glowing crimson eyes looking into his own eyes as Aether’s. Copia gasped as he felt himself crash back into his body. He could feel more hands on him, on his back, on his arms. His ghouls. Finally, he felt a deep crack in chest, and he couldn’t stop the flood that came from it. A deep sob escaped his chest, and he squeezed his eyes closed again. He had only known his ghouls for a short time, he didn’t want them to see him like this. However, they all converged on him as soon as the levee broke. He felt Aether’s hands slide down to his shoulders, then he was being pulled towards the sturdy ghoul. He landed roughly against him and in his lap. Copia immediately buried his face in the ghouls chest. Aether wrapped his arms tightly around Copia as the man cried his soul out. Deep, wracking sobs shook him, and he no longer cared what the ghouls thought of him at this point.
Copia continued to sob in Aether’s arms, his heart far from done from breaking. However, he was brought out of his haze when he felt hands gently easing his gloves off his hands. “No,” he sobbed directly into Aether’s chest, although he wasn’t sure exactly what he was protesting. Gently, the gloves were removed, and Copia immediately used his now bare hands to grip the back of Aether’s button-up. He felt one of Aether’s arms move, and he briefly feared that the ghoul was trying to let him go, but the ghoul had no such intentions. Aether knocked Copia’s black biretta off his head then replaced it with his hand. He tangled his fingers in Copia’s hair and gripped the locks tightly, but not enough to hurt. Copia found this new position even more comforting, and he could finally feel himself coming down from the worst of it.
After a few more minutes, Copia was resting a bit more calmly in Aether’s lap with the side of his face pressed up against the ghoul’s chest. The other ghouls were sitting around him, each had a hand on him. Most of the hands rested on his legs that were now bent to the side, but Dew’s hand rubbed comforting circles into his back between Aether’s arms. A dark part of him whispered that he didn’t deserve this, but most of him was just grateful for the comfort. Finally, he was beginning to feel like he was in his own body again. He could feel his legs and back protesting the position, as well as his neck, but he didn’t care; his heart was temporarily content.
“Copia?” He felt more than heard Aether question.
“Hm?” he hummed, refusing to open his eyes just yet. He knew his ghouls could see him, and he was sure he looked a mess, but he didn’t have to deal with that until he opened his eyes.
“You doing better?”
He nodded, his cheek rubbing against the rough material of Aether’s shirt. “Thank you,” he whispered, knowing his ghouls could hear him.
“Our pleasure.” He recognized the voice as Cirrus’s, and he felt, what he assumed was her hand, pat his ankle.
Copia was trying to catch his breath, but his breath still hitched every now and then. “You’re okay; take your time,” Aether murmured to him as he tightened his grip on Copia’s hair for a brief moment before relaxing again.
In the silence that ensued, Copia was able to pull his thoughts away from what had just happened, but now his mind was able to focus and worry over another topic, his ghouls. What did they think of him, now? Did they think he was weak, pathetic? They wouldn’t be wrong. Deep down, he knew that he was a small, pathetic man that had to be dragged down this path by his distant mother, even then, he had never wanted this. He had never asked, never truly desired to lead Ghost, his mother’s failure of a project back in the 60’s. The Emeritus brothers, who were of the proper bloodline had brought the project back to life, with Terzo breathing the most life into it. But in the end, it hadn’t gotten him anywhere. Despite their flaws, the brothers had been capable showmen, and Terzo had been an admired leader. Primo’s and Secondo’s ghouls were as intimidating as their respective Papa, and Terzo’s ghouls had been as entertaining as him.
What of his ghouls? He was given permission to summon seven ghouls, more than the previous Papas, and he had been thrilled, at the time. He always got along with the Papas’ ghouls simply by treating them as equals and with respect and care. In fact, he had grown quite fond of Terzo’s ghouls, but he hadn’t seen them since he had disappeared. Now that he stopped to think of it, he hadn’t seen any of the Emeritus brothers’ ghouls since that fateful meeting. Did the Clergy send them back to the pits? There was a very good possibility that was the case. Did his own ghouls fear their own fates because they thought their lives were in incapable hands?
Copia forced himself to sit up, sliding ungracefully off Aether’s lap and landing on his ass in front of the kneeling ghoul. He took a few controlled breaths and wiped the tears off his face. He had to pull himself together, if not for his own sake, then for the fate of his ghouls; they deserved at least that. Truly, they deserved better than him, but all of their fates, including his, had been sealed by Nihil and Imperator, and now they had to live with the consequences.
“I’m sorry,” Copia forced himself to say. His voice was rough and broke at the end, and he knew that he sounded pitiful. He tried to clear his throat so his voice would be clearer. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, his voice only slightly more stable.
“For what?” Aether asked. He had been reluctant to let the Cardinal out of his grasp, and he still kept a steadying hand on his shoulder.
Instead of answering verbally, Copia vaguely gestured at himself, knowing the ghouls would understand. His heart sank when Dew scoffed. “Seriously?” The ghoul questioned. “I think we would be more concerned if you weren’t upset.”
Copia shook his head. How could he make them understand? Copia wiped at a few tears then said, “No, I’m supposed to be your leader; you’re not supposed to see me like this.” His voice was still rough, but it was at least steady now.
Dew scoffed again, resulting in another flinch from the Cardinal. While Dew didn’t notice, Aether did and he pulled Copia a little closer while shooting the other ghoul a glare. Dew finally seemed to take notice and replied, “What I mean is, we’re your ghouls. You summoned us to help you, and so far, you haven’t given us any reason not to want to help you.” Rain nodded in apparent agreement from his spot next to the fire ghoul. Then, there were a few murmurs of agreement from the group.
The words and agreement warmed Copia to his core. Truly, it felt wonderful to know that he was doing at least one thing right. If his ghouls were happy and content, then that’s enough to partially calm his racing heart. But…
“The church made me summon you,” he forced himself to say. “They made me summon you to serve them, the Clergy, the Church, Ghost. I-I may be your leader, but I’m meant to lead and guide you to serve them- not me.” While it was painful to say the words; they were true. He needed to remind himself and his ghouls of his position.
“Fuck that,” Aether hissed, causing Copia to whip his head in the ghoul’s direction. The usually level-headed and calm one’s heated response also surprise the other ghouls.
“No, no, he’s got a point,” Swiss said with a nod while pointing towards Aether, and though Copia couldn’t see his grin, he could certainly hear it.
There was a new wave of conversation amongst the ghouls, but none of it was directed towards Copia, so he took the moment to wipe away the remainder of his tears and to gather his thoughts.
Amongst the chaos of the ghouls’ conversations, Cirrus and and Cumulus stood, but Copia’s anxiety immediately lessened as they sat across from him. Cirrus gently took his bare hand and asked, “How are you doing, Cardinal?”
Copia heaved out a sigh and shrugged. How was he? He had no idea how to answer that simple question, so he lied, “I’m- I’m fine.”
Cirrus tilted her head to the side and squeezed his hand but said nothing about the blatant lie. Cumulus, however, was not one to hold her tongue. “Cardinal, you cannot lie to us.” To most, this may have sounded threatening, but to Copia it was just a reminder. Growing up in the Church, he’d been acquainted with ghouls his entire life, so he had known better than to try to lie to his own ghouls. “So, let’s try this again,” Cumulus regained his attention, “How are you?”
Despite himself, Copia laughed. Cirrus released his hand, and both ghoulettes flinched at the unexpected sound, and from his peripheral vision, Copia saw that Aether also flinched, and he felt the ghoul tighten his grip on his shoulder. “Honestly?” Copia’s voice was too high and sounded a bit hysterical. “I- I have no idea how to answer that question. What- what am I supposed to say?”
“The truth,” Mountain answered flatly. He had moved to sit closer to Cumulus, apparently having been interested in the conversation. “That’s all we ask.” Well, when the ghoul put it that way- Copia knew that his ghouls deserved the truth, so he might as well try to tell it to them. Even when the truth of it was that he was weak and unfit for the title that he held; they deserved to know.
“I- I,” He tried to gather his thoughts, but where in the hell was he supposed to start? “I don’t think I’m meant for this. Maybe Nihil was right; I’m not ready.”
“What makes you say that?” Cirrus asked, voice gentle as if he’d shatter at a moment’s notice- which, likely wasn’t far from the truth.
Copia chuckled, though it didn’t sound as hysterical as before. “I- I’ve fought for this position, and every position I’ve held before. I’ve always wanted the chance to tour like the Papa’s, but that was always out of my reach, for I’m not part of the sacred bloodline.” All three ghouls’ before him immediately looked to his unholy white eye, but that was a story for later. “And- but when I was told I’d been chosen to lead Ghost after Terzo had been removed, I was elated. But I, I only thought of the tours, the glamour, the shows. I-“ Copia knew his words were starting to come faster, nearly blending together, but he couldn’t help it. “I thought that Terzo had been forced into retirement like his brothers. There were rumors, of course, but I- I never would have thought Sister and Nihil would go so far as-“ he gestured vaguely at the air, knowing the ghouls would understand his implication. “I didn’t know- I was never informed that this new position would require holding a human head.” Copia’s vision blurred again as his eyes stung. “I never would’ve taken this job if I’d known what-” he squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head against the unbidden image of his brother’s head sitting in the black case, unseeing eyes staring through him. Copia knew that image would always haunt him, and he also knew that he deserved it. “I never wanted this,” his whispered brokenly before his emotions swallowed him again.
The large wave of grief crashed over him again, while the hot wave of anger simmered distantly somewhere in his core. He felt Aether move closer to him, then the ghouls strong arms were wrapped around him once more. The large ghoul pulled him back towards him so that Copia’s back was to his chest, and the man was sitting in his lap again. Copia knew he should be ashamed of the position, but truthfully, it was too comforting to deny.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, though it was barely intelligible. He felt several hands on him, some in his hair, some on his shoulders, and others on his legs. “I’m- I’m not meant for this.”
He felt a hand roughly grab his chin and force him to look up. For a moment, he kept his eyes shut, but the hand didn’t move, so he eventually surrendered. He met the gaze of two glowing red-hot eyes, Dew. “You’re right, you’re not meant for this,” the ghoul said evenly. The other ghouls immediately began chastising the ghoul for his honesty, with Aether being the harshest, but Copia could only be grateful for the honesty, no matter how brutal it was. “But do you know why?” The ghoul’s eyes hadn’t left his, and Copia was nearly lost in the blazing hellfire of his eyes. “You are too good.”
It was in that moment that Copia realized that the flames within those eyes were fueled by passion, not anger.
The rest of the ghouls fell silent as well at the fire ghoul’s words. “You are too good,” he repeated. “Too good for the god damn Clergy, for the Church, for all of it.” The ghoul released his hold on the Cardinal’s chin, but immediately moved his hand to cup Copia’s tear-stained cheek. “But you deserve this, to lead us, to spread the Word as you see fit. You deserve this, and we will be there with you every step of the way, whether you like it or not.”
Copia felt a genuine chuckle bubble out of his throat at the last statement. What had he done to deserve this group of ghouls? He knew he’d have to thank the dark lord later that night during his prayers for the ghouls he had selected for him.
“And,” the fire ghoul continued, regaining the Cardinal’s attention. “The Emeritus brothers did not die because of you,” Copia opened his mouth to argue, but the ghoul tightened his hold on the the man’s jaw silencing him. Once he knew the Cardinal would stay quiet, he lightened his grip. “Their blood is on Nihil and Imperator’s hands, not yours. It was never your fault.”
Copia sobbed again, but this time, from relief. The other ghouls whispered more words of comfort and affirmation, and Copia just soaked it all in. He greedily drank in the comforting touches and reassuring words. He may not deserve them or his ghouls, but he wasn’t strong or selfless enough to turn them away. But, perhaps, it wasn’t selfish to begin with? Maybe, this is what it felt like to have others in his corner, supporting him, guiding him, and accepting of him despite all his flaws. Maybe this was love, and maybe it wasn’t selfish. Copia wouldn’t know what the warmth of such open love felt like, but if this was it, he knew he’d never be able to live without it again.