Work Text:
22:34 garrus
Yeah? 22:34
22:34 i dare you
I’m a grown man. I’m far too old to be taking dares from the likes of you or anyone. 22:34
Nevertheless. You dare me to do what? 22:34
22:34 Tali’Zorah has sent a link.
Zorah, I wasn’t born yesterday. I’m not opening anything you send me that doesn’t properly preview. 22:34
22:34 slkjflaksjdf
Probably. Sorry, try that again in Galactic Standard? 22:35
You know, the diplomatic language we’re all required to learn if we hold citizenship in Citadel Space? 22:35
22:36 boshtet here is your stupid precious quote screenshotted
22:36 Tali'Zorah has shared an image.
You do indulge my whims. 22:36
[ . . . ]
Wait. You want me to write fanfiction? 22:37
22:37 correction i want you to write self insert friend fiction
22:37 where the fiction is about you and your friend
22:37 or your friends if you have more than one i am not sure
Hah, hah. And what exactly do I get out of this? 22:37
22:37 a firm handshake
Pass. 22:38
22:38 one of my dextro milkshakes
Still pass. 22:38
22:38 fine all of my milkshakes in the next resupply
You’re on. Word count? 22:38
[ . . . ]
22:39 i do not care but per the rules you must post your work on the extranet and i must personally see it before you take it down
Rude of you to assume I'd be so ashamed of my published works that I'd delete them. 22:39
22:39 w o r k s
22:39 more than one work???
We'll see. 22:39
22:39 so excited!!!!!
We'll see. 22:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Categories: Gen
Fandoms: N/A
Characters: Garrus Vakarian, Commander Shepard
Additional Tags: Buddy Cop, Team Bonding, Banter, Humor, Action/Adventure, Guns, Friendship is Magic,[1] Self Insert, Crackfic, Plot what Plot, Based on real events, Not Fanfiction Friend Fiction, AU , Pining, Space Opera, No Beta
Language: Galactic Standard
Stats: Published: 2185-05-03 Updated: 2185-05-03 Words: 1855 Chapters: 2/? Comments: 6 Kudos: 10 Bookmarks: 6 Hits: 87
Anti-Heroes
agentcassiel
Summary:
A hotheaded detective and a Council Spectre team up in a race against time to save the galaxy. Will they find their target, and will the detective’s love ever be requited?
Chapter 1: Destiny’s Child
It was another hell of a makework day in the office. The fake sun was shining and the cells were full to bursting, and as she signed off on warrant request number seven and counting, and knocked back the dregs of coffee cup number three, Detective Shep Shepard, rising star of C-Sec and certified crack shot, thought longingly of the bubble bath she just knew was waiting for her back in her tiny prefab apartment in Zakera Ward. Scented candles would be involved, and a bottle of wine, and probably a naked xeno girlfriend, of which she had several. That was how Shep Shepard lived life: to the fullest.
She planted her boots on the desk, correctly relegating not a few open case files to the status of footrest, and switched on her console. It was perhaps more accurate to say she lived life to the fullest off the clock. From punch in to punch out, Shep did what all of her coworkers did albeit 2000% better: hunted every person whose holo crossed her desk, from petty thieves to murderers. Sometimes, when the heavenly bodies aligned and the right paperwork had been sacrificed in triplicate on the altar of the least buggy VI that week, provided she’d done so in the three second window of opportunity before every other detective’s forms slid in, she even apprehended a criminal or two. But those moments were few and far between and getting rarer by the day, especially now that her boss was hopped up on an initiative called Due Process Is For Everyone.
A message pinged her visor, which she never took off for perfectly valid reasons. Speak of the excuse for a man himself. Shep swung her legs down and shoved upright. She exchanged knowing and exasperated looks with every colleague en route to the executor’s office, thereby demonstrating that she was one of the cool kids and too much of a hotshot to take a summons to the principal’s office seriously.
“Another day, another twenty cred, am I right, Robison?” she said loudly as she swaggered through with all the presence and subtlety of an alpha varren in a garden, electronics shop, or classy antique store. Several coworkers nursing silent crushes swooned at their desks.
“So, so true, ma’am. Coffee?”
“I’ll take it.” She plucked a cup from the silver filigree tea tray that the junior detective proffered and threw it back like a shot, losing the back of her throat in the process but it was about the look of the thing. Gloyd Robison[2] was one of Shep’s self-proclaimed lackeys. She wasn’t really sure why people were constantly vying for the position since she didn’t pay, but, again, she’d take it. It was a surefire way for her to never have to brew her own coffee again.[3] Also, the boost to her self-esteem wasn’t unwelcome, even though she didn’t need it. (If there was one thing Shep never lacked, besides martial prowess and political acumen and amazing good looks and the ability to bench press a weight equivalent to two adult male krogan,[4] it was confidence.)
She slammed down the empty cup. It shattered magnificently and everyone applauded. Somewhere in the executor’s office, something else shattered too and a curse issued out. “I think that’s my cue,” she said, and entered. Executor Pallin was a very short, very slight, crumpled paper bag of a turian specimen who still managed to be an asshole ninety percent of the time. Thanks to her totally intentional ploy with the cup (everything Shep Shepard did was premeditated, which is why everything in her life was so awesome), he was currently on his hands and knees, picking ceramic shards out of the freshly stained carpet with all the resignation of an authority figure who had the dubious pleasure and objective privilege of managing an underling more talented and intelligent than pretty much everyone, including him.
“Sup, guy.” Shep crossed her distractingly muscular arms and stared down her nose at her boss. “Something, something, you rang?”
Pallin sat up, kneeling on the soggy floor. He’d thought about standing up and repairing to his desk to reestablish his nominal command of the situation, but one look at her forceful stare, a look that had felled hardened criminals and disarmed gun-slinging hostiles and broken holdouts in interrogation, literally, not figuratively, and he thought better of it. “Detective Shepard.”
“‘Scuse me? I think I didn’t hear something.”
“Um, Detective Shepard, ma’am. I have a job for you.”
“Whatever. Send it to my terminal. Make me walk all the way over here to tell me to check my email? Fuck you. I’m Detective Shep Shepard, got it?”
“Wait, there is no mission brief,” Pallin said desperately. The coffee was traveling up his trousers in a truly unfortunate way. “This is a word of mouth request. By order of the Citadel Council and Special Tactics and Reconnaissance.”
Shep inspected her nails. They were perfectly buffed, for a human. She’d gotten them manicured at a turian salon not two cycles ago. Only the best for Shep Shepard. “Fine, tell me.”
“There’s a Spectre currently on the station, working on a classified mission. He’s asked for a C-Sec consultant to meet him at Citadel Tower. I…I thought maybe you…?” He looked at her pleadingly.
Shep considered. On the one hand, fuck Pallin and anything he asked for. Her oppo-defiant streak was a mile wide and growing. On the other hand, the red tape was really killing her buzz. She was Detective Shepard, god damn it, and if anyone was being tied up, it was supposed to be the other guy. It was time for a change of scene. She stared down at Pallin. He’d adopted an attitude of importunity. Pathetic.
“On my way. You’re welcome.” She wheeled out and slammed the door behind her. A picture frame jumped from its mooring on the wall and crashed down. Pallin made a small, despairing noise. She looked back and the executor covered his mouth.
“Nothing, nothing,” he mumbled.
Shep went to her locker, grabbed her biggest guns to compensate for her laughable height, and suited up in her most h-core hardsuit, the one with the N7 designation and the red stripe down the arm. Before she’d taken this shit job out of a misplaced sense of civic duty, she’d graduated from Systems Alliance ICT, which stood for Incredibly Cool Team. This author would describe the grueling trials entailed, but that shit’s classified and worth more than your sorry life. Just imagine the most badass thing you could ever attempt, times a million. Anyway. She put on her helmet, turned around, and struck a dramatic pose. The office gave her a standing ovation. Gloyd had been hard at work while her back was turned. A red carpet unfurled from the lockers to the exit.
“See ya, suckers,” she said, and left C-Sec to the sound of well-deserved cheers.
Chapter 2: Destiny’s Other Child
Two hours later, Shep Shepard’s contact still hadn’t shown up at Citadel Tower, and she was in a fucking mood about it. Her mandibles were oh wait she doesn’t have mandibles because she’s human. Right. Goddamn xenobiology. No I will not erase this. As a cultural awareness practice in non-verbal xeno communication, Shep imagined she had mandibles, and then imagined what the hell they would do if a mandibled and therefore superior version of herself were as pissed off as her real life human self was at present. The back portion would flare out, a sort of stuttering motion. Based on her own biometric readouts, helpfully provided by her ever-trusty visor, those mandibles would be flying right off her face. She banged a fist on the railing. It bent beneath the force of the blow. Thanks, one-armed pushups.[5]
“Doesn’t this dumbshit know who I am?” she muttered. “I’m Detective Shep Shepard, and I don’t take slights lightly!” She queued up some screamo on her visor and decided to wait for exactly five more minutes before storming back to C-Sec and giving Pallin a piece of her mind.
The music was so loud that Shep Shepard didn’t clock when the elevator arrived. Luckily, the elevator lights were turned all the way up for dramatic purposes and Citadel Tower was shrouded in twilight as usual in defiance of the huge windows, so she had ample warning and opportunity to turn around when our second hero arrived on the scene.
Blinding white radiance poured in like sexy syrup as a lone figure, angular and tall, strode out of the elevator like an avenging angel. Shep shaded her eyes against the brilliance and knew, even before he stopped in front of her, that this was the man she’d been waiting for her whole life. He was turian, one of the finest specimens she’d ever seen. And she’d seen a lot in her day, because she was goddamn Shep Shepard, N7 and Alliance war hero, at least before this job had sucked the will to live out of her. He was so tall. He was so handsome. His sapphire blue ceramic was top of the line, perfectly fitted, and color-coordinated with his colony markings as well as his eyes. His mandibles could cut glass and his gaze could pierce your goddamn soul and then did. He held out a hand, and when she shook it, his grasp was so warm and firm that her knees nearly buckled like a goddamn teenager.[6]
And then he spoke, and it was like bees had shat honey all over his whole vocal apparatus. It was rumbly yet smooth. It was delicious, enticing without even trying to be. His timbre was a gift. Ambrosia from the gods. “Detective Shepard? Garrus Vakarian, Special Tactics and Reconnaissance. Thank you for meeting me here.”
So courteous. So confident and elegant and suave. It was, indeed, unrequited love at first sight. But Shep was obviously equal to it, and she was sure that Garrus hadn’t noticed her moment of awe at his sheer resplendence. She dropped his hand and crossed her arms with exaggerated casualness. “Took you long enough.”
“Sorry,” he returned, equally casually, and draped himself on the rail beside her. It was extremely distracting due to him being unbelievably cool. Frankly, almost as cool as someone from the Incredibly Cool Team like herself. “Being a Spectre doesn’t pay much, but it comes with a certain celebrity status. I was stopped by no less than twenty-seven fans for pics or sigs on the way to our meeting.”
“Yeah, I get that.” Shep tapped the N7 designation on her cuirass. “Comes with the territory. I myself was recently featured in the AAA blockbuster, Akuze. I assume you’ve heard of it as well as me? I’m pretty fucking amazing. And I don’t take kindly to being made to wait.”
“Oh, I did my homework. And I assure you: from here on out, it’s going to be nonstop action. The day to day of a Spectre and a Spectre’s sidekick? Never a dull moment.”
Despite the dim lighting and the armor covering her from head to toe, Shep's muscles still managed to bulge intimidatingly. “Buddy, if you think I’m here to be your sidekick, you have another thing coming. When I perform, I perform center stage, got it?”
"Understood. Implicitly." Garrus set a hand on her shoulder. “Detective, I must say I think we’re going to work very well together.”
08:07 Tali'Zorah has sent a link.
08:07 what
08:07 is
08:07 this
Hm? 8:07
Damn, have I been featured in someone's fic? Took years, but I've finally reached celebrity status. 8:08
Also, just now seeing the tag "self insert." You don't think Shepard…? 8:08
08:08 GARRUS VAKARIAN I HAVE YOUR IP ADDRESS MEMORIZED
In that case, I was going to send you a link, but I thought I'd wait to see what shook out first. Also, I wasn't sure if I had another chapter in me. Hell, I think this thing has a lot of potential. 8:08
I think the more pertinent question is, 1) how long have you been reading Commander Shepard fanfiction 2) how long have you been subscribed to my author page? 8:08
08:08 laksdjflksadjf;a do not try to distract me
08:08 “avenging angel” YOU CERTAINLY HAVE A VERY HIGH OPINION OF YOURSELF
Well, obviously. 8:08
08:08 ALSO ARE YOU BOTH OF THEM????
How ever do you mean? 8:09
08:09 permanet visor
08:09 pemrnanetn
08:09 PERMANENT
08:09 WHY IS SHE WEARING A PERMANENT VISOR
Creative license. 8:09
[ . . . ]
08:10 okay you have certainly earned your reward garrus but i am sending this to e v e r y o n e
Wait. Everyone? 8:10
Who’s everyone? 8:10
Tal? 8:15
To: agentcassiel
Subject: Comment on Anti-Heroes
callmevirago left the following comment on Anti-Heroes:
“sexy syrup"
d e a d
(also if you are open to concrit i have actually studied Garrus Vakarian’s bio for a paper i wrote—do not ask—and i do not think he would be anywhere near this, ummm, debonair? even in an AU??? like he is a little bit of a forever nerd….it is your story ofc but that is my opinion)
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To: agentcassiel
Subject: Comment on Anti-Heroes
phrasedout left the following comment on Anti-Heroes:
Real interesting take on a historical event. Particularly enjoyed the attention to detail with both main characters’ personalities—you did your homework, there. Hope to see more soon.
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To: agentcassiel
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whysoserious left the following comment on Anti-Heroes:
You know, I always wondered what Commander Shepard’s first name was. This is definitely my hc now
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To: agentcassiel
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alwaystonowhere left the following comment on Anti-Heroes:
thank u I liked this story but i thought comander shepard was the specter not garrus?
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To: agentcassiel
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allfornought left the following comment on Anti-Heroes:
AUs can go fuck themselves but this one’s all right. post more or i’ll find you.
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go_to_it left the following comment on Anti-Heroes:
ooooh a slow burn! i can’t wait to see if they get together!!
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So, I finally risked checking my email. I got six reviews in a row, all timestamped right after you went dark. 10:38
10:38 if you are offered a book deal i expect you to credit me with giving you your start
Who the hell did you send this to? 10:38
Tal, did you send this to Shepard? 10:38
[ . . . ]
10:41 Tali’Zorah has shared an image.
[ . . . ]
Oh. Wonderful. Shepard, Joker, and almost half the fire team. 10:43
I look forward to working out whom I need to kill after I’m done killing you. 10:43
10:43 here is a hint the IP addresses for all six of those comments originate here on the Normandy
10:43 also you have already named three of the commenters and one of them is ofc me
………... 10:43
I have never regretted wanting a milkshake more in my entire life. 10:43
10:43 you agreed to these terms
10:43 you should have known i would do this
10:43 are you an older brother or are you not
All right. Fair. 10:43
10:43 enjoy your milkshakes garrus
10:43 i do not need them anymore
10:43 my victory is much, much sweeter
Watch out, Zorah. If I’m not mistaken about the timeline, the next chapter’s featuring you. 10:43
10:43 k;jdslka;jdslkfjsad NO