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Oberst Klink looked over at his mirror and sighed. He’d gone out on several dates this month with beautiful women, each prettier than the last. Some of them he had even felt a true connection with. The problem was, all of them had abruptly stopped showing interest in him after the second date. Ignoring his phone calls, actively avoiding him if their paths crossed in public, etcetera. Klink didn’t get it. For heaven’s sakes, he was nobility! Granted, he didn’t have the ‘von’ article attached to his name like other Junkers did, but that meant nothing.
Klink was old school in every sense of the word. He firmly believed an officer and a gentleman should always hold themselves to the highest standard. Because of this, he had never shown a female anything but politeness and respect. He rubbed his chin. Perhaps being less courteous was the key. If so, he would give it a try. He didn’t consider himself a jerk by any means, but if that’s what frauen liked nowadays…
“Yoo-hoo, earth to Wil!”
Klink jumped. He turned to look at Hogan, who was snapping his fingers. “What is it?”
“You’re awfully quiet tonight,” the American commented. “Too busy planning your next hot date or what?”
He saw Klink’s lower lip quiver slightly and sighed. Well, that had apparently been the wrong question to ask. He wasn’t very good with emotions anyhow. A clever mastermind, sure. Hogan knew how to make a nuisance of himself like nobody’s business when necessary. Matters of the heart, however, were another story entirely. Still, he would give it a shot for his friend’s sake. Robert Hogan wasn’t a man who backed down from a challenge…ever.
“Alright, talk to me,” he said. “What’s with the long face?”
“I am having a great deal of trouble with women lately,” Klink admitted. “No matter what I do, every last one of them suddenly loses interest in me. But I cannot fathom why when I’ve done nothing to offend them. On top of that, I am still a pilot, even though I have been grounded. Frauen are supposed to adore pilots!”
“They do. We’re the best of the best – there’s no way they couldn’t love us,” Hogan assured him. His voice held the same confident, slightly arrogant tone it always had whenever he talked about his chosen career. “Could be the way you dress.”
Klink looked down at his uniform with a frown. “What do you mean?”
“For one thing, monocles went out of fashion last century. For another, the only thing stiffer than that shirt collar around here is you,” Hogan quipped. “The ladies are probably scared you’ll hurt them or something.”
“I would never do that!” Klink exclaimed indignantly. “Women are fragile, beautiful jewels, a treasure any real man would protect at all costs. Why on earth would I ever injure one?”
“You’re hard on us.”
“Yes, but all of you are my prisoners,” Klink pointed out. “That is to be expected.”
“Well, I don’t know what to tell ya then,” Hogan said with a shrug. “Maybe it’s ‘cause you’re ugly.”
“Perhaps you are right, Robert. If I were handsome, I would already have a companion.” He looked over at his reflection, his next words coming out in a whisper. “I suppose I’m destined to be alone forever.”
Hogan felt a pang of guilt. He’d only meant the words as a joke, not something to be taken literally. It didn’t help the females in question had only come into Klink’s life because of the operation. Sometimes, there was nothing like a pair of breasts and a pretty smile to distract a man at a crucial moment. Maybe it was time he helped Klink find someone who genuinely liked him, and who he could like in return. That criteria alone eliminated Frau Linkmeyer…which was for the best. Hogan had nothing against older women – although he preferred the younger ones – but mixing business and pleasure was a terrible idea. With Burkhalter as a brother-in-law, it would also take the phrase ‘holidays are murder’ to a whole new level. Klink might still act like a pompous ass at times, but he didn’t deserve to suffer for the rest of his life because of it.
“Don’t be so pessimistic, Wil. I can help you find that special someone,” Hogan told him. He placed a hand on the kommandant’s shoulder. “You just need a few tips, that’s all.”
“Do you really think so?” Klink asked in a hopeful voice. When the American nodded, a bright smile crossed his face. “Oh Robert, das ist wunderbar! Thank you!”
“Don’t know for sure what you said in German, but I think I got the gist of it,” he chuckled. “Come on, show me what else you’ve got to wear before we go consult with LeBeau.”
“The cockroach is knowledgeable about such matters?”
“Of course he is. He’s French – it’s in his blood,” Hogan answered. “If anyone can teach you how to pick up women, it’s LeBeau. I guarantee it.”
~HH~
A month passed. No matter what Hogan or LeBeau did, their plans failed. It was as if Klink oozed female repellent. They’d tried dressing him in a civilian suit, swapping out his monocle for glasses, removing the monocle entirely, giving him a toupee and everything else they could think of. Nothing worked. Out of desperation, Hogan tried wearing the clothes the Prussian colonel was currently dressed in for a while first, hoping some of his charm would rub off on them. The only thing that’d done was result in a few men to discreetly flirt with Klink…something both of them found awkward. Hogan didn’t understand how that had even been possible, given the current views on homosexuality in the Reich. Nor did he care to dwell on the incident too much.
He wrapped his arms around himself, furiously thinking while he paced the room. It made no sense! He’d talked his way into going along each time Klink had left the camp to try and get a date, stating he needed to be there so he could discreetly observe what was happening. And the kommandant had been the epitome of gentlemanly each time. He didn’t understand why women were running away like he had the plague. It wasn’t like Klink was Gestapo or SS. If he had been, their hasty departures would be completely understandable. Hogan hated not understanding or knowing things, especially if they stood in the way of him accomplishing a goal. In this case, that goal was to make his counterpart feel better about himself.
“Just forget it, Robert,” Klink said sadly. “I have already accepted I shall never find a girlfriend. Or even someone who will go out on a date, for that matter. It’s hopeless.”
“We can’t give up now,” he replied. “Somewhere out there, there’s a lady who thinks you’re the sexiest man to ever walk the face of this planet. We just gotta find her.”
“Where, in America?”
“At the rate we’re going here, I’m beginning to think that’s exactly where she’s hiding,” Hogan muttered. “Either that or the most isolated part of Antarctica.”
“It does me zero good if my soul mate is an American. Germany is at war with them, remember?” Klink threw up his hands. “What I wouldn’t give to have a beautiful Fräulein on my arm, admiring me at every turn. I would love one who speaks multiple languages, has an appreciation for the arts, and enjoys history.”
Hogan raised an eyebrow. “Don’t you think you’re asking a little much there?”
“It would not be unreasonable for a German woman. Perhaps a slender redhead with creamy white skin…” Klink sighed wistfully. “If I could find her, I would soon ask her to be my girlfriend. And assuming things worked out, I would make her my wife without any hesitation whatsoever.”
“All of which are reasons why we’ve gotta keep looking.”
“No, I am done. Nobody will ever find me attractive; that is my lot in life.” Klink stood and walked toward his room. “I am going to go hold my pillow and pretend it is a woman willing to lay in my arms. Turn off the lights when you leave, please.”
Hogan watched him go, anger soon bubbling up inside him on his friend’s behalf. He couldn’t deny Klink was wallowing in self pity, but that was par for the course with him. Both officers had a tendency to be overdramatic – they just did so in different ways. And while it was true the Prussian colonel wasn’t handsome in a conventional way, he was still a gentleman. Klink didn’t grab women inappropriately, talk down to them or anything else. Hell, he didn’t even touch them except to gently kiss their hands as manners dictated. To see him this distraught when there was no call for it made Hogan’s blood boil. This wasn’t right. He was gonna do something to fix this situation, come hell or high water!
He flipped off the lights, then made his way to Klink’s room. The sound of muffled sobs nearly broke his heart. He entered the room, shutting the door behind him. “Wil?”
“Robert, I…I thought you left.” Klink hiccupped a few times. “What are you doing in here?”
“Showing you there’s at least one person who likes you enough to cuddle with you,” Hogan answered. He removed his shoes before walking over to the bed. “Scooch over, bedhog.”
Klink stared at him with wide eyes. “Are you mad? The law in both our countries specifically states that two people of the same gender –”
“– can’t be in a romantic relationship together,” Hogan finished. “Which we’re not. I’m cuddling with you, not screwing your brains out.”
“But –”
“No buts,” he interrupted. “You’re my friend, you’re sad, and I’m gonna do this each night until we find you a woman to do it instead. End of story.”
“How…” Klink swallowed hard. “We will eventually be caught if you do that, Robert. Caught and accused of something neither of us did!”
“You just let me worry about keeping this a secret. Trust me, I’ll handle everything.” The American placed a fist on his hip. “Now, are you gonna willingly make some room for me, or do I gotta shove you out of the bed so I can claim my spot? ‘Cause if I do the second one, I’m stealing the only blanket you’ve got that’s still soft.”
“Mmmpf,” Klink grumbled as he moved over. “You are the most stubborn man I have ever met.”
“Thank you.”
“That wasn’t a compliment,” Klink sighed. He tensed up when Hogan snuggled up against him. “Er…what are you doing?”
“Hugging you while I try to get comfortable,” Hogan answered. “I can’t stand to see you sad, Wil. So I’m gonna keep working on this problem of yours until I find a solution to it. If I have to, I’ll drag your sorry butt back to Ohio with me after the war. American women go nuts over European accents, you know.”
“They do?”
“Mm-hmm,” Hogan said. “I knew a German fella in my high school whose parents immigrated to the States after World War 1. Guy had more pretty girls flirting with him than he knew what to do with; it made everyone else jealous as all get-out.” He chuckled softly. “Maybe that’s where your lady is waiting for you.”
“Perhaps you are right,” Klink replied. He loosely wrapped his arms around the American, letting the comfort he was being offered overtake him. “But if she is not, we come back here to search, ja?”
“After we turn the good ol’ US of A upside down and shake it first, you mean? Sure,” Hogan agreed. “We’ll start in Stuttgart if that happens – I’ve heard rumors their black forest cake is great. One way or another, we’ll find the future Mrs. Klink for you, Wil. I promise.”
“I shall hold you to that, Robert,” Klink murmured.
His heart felt a bit lighter after their short conversation. The person in his arms might not be female, but it was someone who cared enough to look after his welfare. That would do for the moment. Yet he still held out hope that someday, he would find his beautiful German redhead, and that she would love him. Klink knew she was out there…now all he had to do was locate her. And with Robert’s help, he would. That man could do anything he set his mind to. If both of them worked together, there was nothing they couldn’t achieve.