Chapter Text
His eyes burnt holes into the white washed wall, where the paint was starting to peel and crack away, small flakes already fallen onto the wooden floor in which he sat on. His back was pressed against the wall from where he had sunken to the ground and pulled his legs up so his chin was resting gently on them.
It helped make him feel as small as possible, wrapped safely and tightly in his own arms as he tried to keep himself together. He feared that if he tried to move, he would fall apart.
He wasn’t prepared to let himself completely break… not yet.
If Luke was fine, Michael would try to show him that he was doing fine aswell. Although he thought that the blonde boy could see through his fake act he put on everyday. The boy knew him too well and Michael damned him every day for it.
But he never confronted him which made it seem like he didn’t care about the brightly coloured hair boy anymore.
Michael wasn’t a hundred percent sure what he was meant to do now all he knows is that it hurt. It hurt Michael. He was so used to the two of them being close at all times, to always have some type of contact with him. How could he function properly now that was gone? Well Luke wasn’t gone, he still saw him everyday but it felt like he had just disappeared from Michael’s life.
Whenever Michael got close to Luke now, just like when they were in the kitchen the other day, Luke would go out of his way to move a few feet from where he stood in order to put space between them. He probably thought Michael wouldn’t notice, but who was he kidding, of course he did.
He tried not to think about it, he would go to extremes to district himself. Hell, he did things he swore he’d never participate or get involved in and he ended up hating himself more than ever, every single day without Luke by his side.But these said things were destructive and Michael wished they didn’t distract him from his thoughts but sadly they did. They were the only solution he could find, the easiest and quickest solution. Sadly, he kept going back to them.
The drugs worked more quickly than the alcohol which made him forget for a few hours a week, but he always came crashing down from his high and no one wanted to be around for that, it wasn’t the best sight, but nobody ever saw it so he supposed he was lucky there but. Everything was just that little bit worse than before.
Recently he was only living For those few hours of escape he got. The other times where he wasn’t off his head were spent lying in bed, staring at the walls or hiding away under the covers.
Michael decided that although it had been only a mere few days since his last high, he craved that sense of forgetting. It scared him a little bit at how he kept craving that feeling more often.
Shakily standing from the wooden floor, his knee popped quietly but he paid it no attention. The red haired boy made his way to his bed side table, his hands shaking, making it harder to open the draw. He fumbled around inside until the familiar sound of foil hitting cardboard reached his ears.
He almost wanted to smile at how pleased he was that he was about to forget for a while.
Michael took the packeted pills out, walking over to his bed, catching site of himself in his wardrobe mirror. He almost laughed loudly at the state of himself.
He had shut himself in his room for the past few days. He didn’t want to face anyone, he’d rather stay in his room and pretend that Luke was still his and just hanging out in his own room instead of with his… His boyfriend.
Michael laughed spitefully at his reflection. Why would someone like Luke even want someone like him, Luke was perfect and Michael was just… Michael. Plain, boring, a little chubby, Michael- well that’s what he thought. That’s all he saw himself as.
He felt like smashing the mirror, punching his reflection to see if that would take away his pain like the characters in the movies do. But he didn’t need anymore bad luck in his life right now.
Michael lay on top of his navy striped bed covers, starring at the glow in the dark planets and stars that were stuck on the celling from when the boys first moved into the house.
He could hear Calum and Ashton giggles from down the hall where they were most likely watching a comedy or just messing about with each other like normal.
He could picture it now Ashton laying on the couch behind Calum, his heavy arms wrapped tightly around Calum’s waist, pulling him close and making him feel safe and protected.
Oh how Michael wished that he and Luke were still like that, then maybe he wouldn’t feel sick every time he saw them. Maybe he wouldn’t spend as much time as he did locked away in his room as he felt like an intruder in his own house.
Michael knew how pathetic he was. He knew he should have moved on by now- I mean, it’s been about 6 months. Luke did.
It’s just, Luke was everything to him. He still is. But Luke just doesn’t know that.
Michael’s shaky fingers couldn’t pop the pills out of the packet fast enough.
He took three white tablets, swallowing them dry, letting his head fall back against his pillow to let the effect of the drug take him over.
They kicked in almost 30 seconds later, his head was dizzy and his mind numb and frozen. But this time wasn’t like normal, this time his thoughts weren’t about pretty colours around him and his thoughts didn’t trail off from Luke.
Michael was panicking, he didn’t like this at all, his escape was no longer his escape. His hands groped tightly into his hair as if he was trying to pull the thoughts of Luke out of his head. He could see the colour blue, it was vibrant and stood out against all the other heightened colours around him. It was the colour of Luke’s eyes and Michael was going insane.
His hands scratched at his skin until he accidentally broke it on his left arm, small dots of blood appearing, standing out against his abnormally pale skin.
“Leave me alone” Michael started murmuring to himself getting angrier by the second.
“Leave me alone!” He screamed, eyes bloodshot as he short up from where he was laying on his bed. He threw open his balcony window letting rush of fresh air into his murky room in which he found difficult to breath in. It made him feel less trapped yet did nothing to help his uneven breathing.
He sank down against the wall again for the second time that night, crying to himself, sobbing into his own hands as everyone else was oblivious to his pain. This was a normal thing come the past few weeks. A new routine that Michael didn’t welcome into his life.
Michael stopped wanting to take the drugs after that. Instead he found other ways- of course they never made him forget for long, but it was something. He searched clubs, bars- anywhere he could think of, in search of Luke- well not Luke but a replacement. Someone who he could pretend was Luke for a while.
If he couldn’t have Luke he would look for someone like him.
Someone who he could take home, someone he could pretend cared about him, at least for a little while. He would pretend it’s the younger boy he longs after.
But even this didn’t work because by the morning his bed was empty. And that hit him like a brick every time. It hurt more and more every morning when he realised he was so alone.
He tried to avoid Ashton’s concerned looks that were thrown his way once he ventured out of his room. He knew he wanted to see if he was okay, but Michael pleaded him with his eyes. Silently telling him he doesn’t want to talk.
Ashton could take a guess what was wrong with the faded coloured hair boy.
Michael dreaded the moments where he had to face Luke and act normal, he could hardly look at the blonde boy anymore. But for the sake of the band he pretended.
Luke seemed happy without him. He wanted Luke to be happy.
Well that’s what he told himself.
All four of the boys were sitting at the breakfast bar. Michael’s eyes were cast down as he stared intently at his bowl of cornflakes that had started to go soggy.
“So, we have a few days break”
Ashton said breaking the silence.
“Anyone got anything planned?”
Calum started talking about what he was going to do and explore for a while but Michael tuned out, distracting himself by pushing his cereal around the bowl.
He didn’t hear the ringing of a phone until Calum and Ashton had gone silent, making Michael look up to see Luke talking through his phone.
He could take a guess at who it was and he wanted to laugh at how pathetic he felt. He couldn’t deal with Ashton’s sympathetic looks.
“Sounds good” he heard a familiar giggle. It was a sound Michael had come to love but now it made him feel sick.
He took a quick glance at Luke’s face, seeing how his smile was enormous as he was talking rapidly into the phone. But Michael wasn’t prepared for what came next, nor did he ever think he would be. But of course it was stupid, he fooled himself into thinking that Luke wouldn’t ever say this to anyone but him.
“Okay, I love you too” Luke said.
Michael didn’t dare look up or show any emotion, missing the hesitant look Luke threw at him as soon as he said those three words.
He wasn’t sure what he was meant to feel right now. All he knew was that everything hurt right now.
“Well anyway, back to the few days break, I think I’ll join you on the exploring days” Ashton said breaking the silence once again. Thank god for Ashton.
“Do you wanna come Michael?” Calum asked. But the boy just shook his head not trusting his voice as he had a lump stuck in his throat.
“Luke?”
“Oh, uh no thanks, Jays coming to stay for a few days” he said quietly.
Michael wanted to leave but he didn’t want to look like he was affected by Luke anymore.
But he was going to cry. He had managed to control his shaking hands so he was able to act normal when he dumped his bowl into the sink.
“I’m -uh I’m just gonna go play GTA…” He said awkwardly as his excuse to leave.
He heard a few rushed whispers as soon as he left the kitchen.
He lied. Of course he wasn’t going to play GTA. He went straight to him draw picking out a packet of cigarettes, a lighter and his phone before leaving the house without being noticed.
He didn’t know where he was going but he didn’t care right now.
Hours and hours later, Michael hadn’t returned home. He was wondering the streets in the dark, his 8th cigarette of the day hanging from his chapped lips .
No doubt that his face was still streaked with tears. He felt so lost.
He didn’t want to go clubbing, but he decided a bar would be alright. He could find someone there right?
Michael thought he probably looked like the saddest person right now, sitting at the bar alone, nursing a jack Daniels - his 3rd one. His eyes were red and puffy and maybe that’s why no one approached him.
Not until at least a few hours later when Michael was past the point of dizzy drunk.
He was approached by an attractive guy with blonde hair- it was similar to Luke’s but his eyes were a different colour, they weren’t blue, they were the exact opposite.
But he would do.
It took no time for Michael to suggest they get out of there and go back to his. He knew Luke’s boyfriend would be there, he wanted to show he had moved on even if that wasn’t the case.
But he wanted Luke to think he was over him. Wanted Luke to hear him be fucked by someone else just in hopes that maybe the blonde boy would feel something, or maybe he just wouldn’t care because he didn’t love Michael anymore.
Ashton and Calum weren’t there when he got back, the blonde guy following after him.
He was surprised to see Luke on the couch all by himself, a blanket in his lap as he watched the TV.
“Michael?” Luke asked quietly.
“Yeah it’s just me” he relied quietly.
He thought Luke’s boyfriend would be there but he was no where in sight.
Michael walked straight past him with the guy following behind him. Not watching to see Luke’s reaction. Which was one of confusion and hurt. Luke knew he had no right to be hurt. He was the one who broke it off so he couldn’t exactly complain.
Luke could see how hurt Michael was. He didn’t mean for it to be this way. He saw how Michael was slowly killing himself, he knew about the drugs and the drinking and the smoking and the one night stands all of them making Luke worry deeply about him.
But Luke didn’t know how to help him without making him hurt even more, so he stayed away. He was unsure of how to approach the boy he loved so dearly, because it was as if he didn’t know him anymore, especially as Michael had hardly spoken a word to him in months let alone even looked at him.
Luke spent the night blocking out the broken moans coming from Michael’s room trying not to remember how Luke used to be the cause of those. He ended up falling asleep on the sofa, knowing he would regret it in the morning but he didn’t want to walk past Michael’s room.
He woke only hours after as he heard someone walk past him. He cracked one eye open, seeing it was the guy Michael brought home, he was leaving, thank goodness.
Once he was gone Luke checked his phone seeing it was only 3am. He lay on the couch for nearly an hour debating whether he should go and see if Michael was alright.
He decided he would. He’d think about the consequences later.
As he reached closer to Michael’s bedroom he could hear his sniffles and it didn’t take a genius to know that Michael was crying.
“Michael” Luke whispered,knocking gently on the door. He heard his sniffles end abruptly.
“Michael” he said again, walking into the boys room, seeing him bundled up on one half of his bed making himself as small as possible.
“Oh mikey” he whispered and heard the boy let out a chocked sob.
Luke was unsure of what boundaries they had between them but he didn’t care at that moment. He crawled under the covers until Michael’s back was pressed against his front and his arm were wrapped tightly around Michael’s waist pulling him closer against him.
“Mikey” he whispered, stroking his side softly. “Don’t cry” he shushed.
“Please”
“Luke” he sobbed “why’d you leave me? What did I ever do wrong? I-I thought you loved me?” Michael cried quietly.
“Michael, I do love you” Luke reassured.
“No- no you don’t, don’t say that”
“Michael. Listen, I’m always going to love you, that will never change” Luke said placing a small kiss to the back of his neck.
“Why did-”
“Shhh we’ll talk in the morning” Luke said as he needed more time to think. He didn’t want to talk without thinking, scared he would hurt the boy even more.
Michael fell asleep next to Luke for the first time in months and he couldn’t help but feel like his heart had been put back together.