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Sharp fangs, damp fur, red smoke, burning pain . It all happened so fast.
Van was pulled from her dreamless slumber by the sharp pain of an animal’s teeth ripping at her flesh. The campfire they had built died away, their watch nowhere to be found. The wolves snuck up on them while they slept. One of the bold ones snagged Van first.
As soon as she snapped to it, Van began to scream. She thrashed, she cried, she fought, but she wasn’t any match. The wolf’s powerful jaws clamped down on her arm, tearing her shirt, and her skin with ease. The screams of the others filled the air as Van was dragged away, being ripped and torn at by the starving animal. She tried to defend herself, but it was no use. She was still out of it, riding the inertia of being forced from her sleep.
A cloud of red smoke filled the air, but the wolf stood firm. It took one last bite of her face, trying to pull her skin right off of her body. The white hot pain shot through her, then everything went black again.
With a jolt, Van shot back to reality. The wolves were gone. The smoke was gone. The river of blood was gone. But the pain remained. The unbelievable, unbearable searing that wracked her face, her arm, her legs. Her face was so hot. She still smelled like burning flesh.
Then she puked.
Hot bile spilled all over her shirt and pants. The sounds of Van’s retching woke a few of the Yellowjackets in the room, because soon there was a crowd standing around her, their faces melting and mixing together.
Van knew they were trying to say something to her, but she couldn’t tell what. Their voices sounded like a chorus or snarls. Growls. Howls. Animals. She couldn’t understand them. Her ears were ringing and her skin was so hot she wanted to cry, or maybe she already was crying. A set of hands rested on her shoulders as Van’s vision was taken over by a face. She needed a second to focus and see who it was.
Blonde hair… Laura Lee…?
No, that’s right. Laura Lee was gone.
“Van…!” A voice broke through the ballad of the wolves. It was Misty.
The face turned away, “Get her some water. Now .”
Van’s face burned. It pulsed. It felt like it was about to come alive and crawl away. Her vision swam as she searched the faces. She couldn’t fully make them out, but she wanted to. There was one face she wanted to see. She felt herself whimper as she reached a hand out, then something warm clasped it. Another hand. But whose? Van couldn’t tell, and before she could try, she started slipping back into the darkness. Her head felt so light. She tried to fight it, but before she could stop it, everything went dark again.
The Autumn air nipped at Taissa’s cheeks as she curled up in front of the fire.
It was well into the afternoon, and the girls carried on as they normally did. Mari, Akilah, and Shauna gathered maggots and other critters to roast over the fire, Coach and Misty worked together to fasten blankets out of old animal pelts, Jackie was doing… nothing, of course, and Travis and Nat were out on a futile attempt to hunt.
Taissa turned back to look at the cabin. The door was open, letting the breeze air out the lingering stink of rot that still infested that place. She frowned. Then she turned back, looking at the rusted metal cup she was holding in her hands. The water was warm, which was unideal to drink, but it made her throat feel better, and her chest feel warmer. That, and it also had boiled out any diseases or bacteria swimming in it, which Taissa was very thankful for.
In a sudden burst, Taissa raised herself to her feet. She took a step forward, scooping up some more water into her cup, “I’m going to try again.”
Coach gave her a disapproving look, “You can’t make her do anything she doesn’t want to.”
“I have to,” Tai said. “I at least have to keep trying.”
“You’ve been trying for over a day,” Jackie pitched in, sounding bored, “it’s pointless.”
“Well then what’s another day?’ Tai said, retreating to the cabin with a full mug of water in her hands. No one else bothered to convince her.
The cabin was empty, empty sleeping bags and blankets strewn all over the floor, scraps of fabric and ancient cooking supplies on the dining table. It was entirely devoid of any inhabitants.
Except one.
Over in the corner, a lone figure was curled up into the fetal position against the windowsill, faced away from Tai. Her clothes still torn and bloody, ginger hair wild and knotted, Van didn’t so much as move, or make a sound. She was a statue, tucked into herself, hiding away from the world.
After a moment of hesitation, Taissa reached out a hand and knocked on the doorframe, “Hey there.”
Slowly, Van turned her head. Her cheek was still swollen, littered with freshly (and unprofessionally) sewn tears. Her skin was covered in a combination of blood, dirt, and sweat. Van’s iris, a beautiful shade of blue that sometimes looked green if it was caught under the right light, now surrounded by a ring of crimson. Popped blood vessels.
When Van’s eye caught Taissa, she turned away once again, hiding herself from view.
Taissa sighed, her heart dropping. She had been trying to push the guilt away, to remind herself that it wasn’t her fault, but when she looked into the burning intensity of Van’s eyes, she couldn’t keep telling herself that.
She’d been having dreams– nightmares –the last few nights. Ones that kept her up until sunrise.
They started just as that night had. Taissa wakes up to screaming. Panic. Terror. When she jumps down from the tree, she can’t see Van. Eventually, she finds her. Secluded from the rest, a wolf ripping at her arm with a ferocious intensity. Taissa looks down at the flare gun in her hand, then back to Van.
And she just watches.
She watches. She does nothing as the wolf tears Van to shreds right in front of her. Snarling and ripping until Van’s horrific screams dissipate. Until she’s nothing but a bloody mess in the dirt; lifeless. The wolf looks up at Taissa, crimson coloured teeth, and it thanks her. She does not cry; she doesn't care. Van is dead and it’s her fault.
It’s all her fucking fault.
She woke up to Shauna holding her down, warm arms wrapped around her in an attempt to relax her, but it didn’t work. Taissa would sob, cursing herself for it over and over again. If only she didn’t fall asleep, if only she hadn’t started sleepwalking because of the stress. If only she didn’t scream at Van by the river.
If she had kept her cool, would Van have still been mauled? Scarred for life?
It was too late to think about that. There wasn’t anything Taissa could do to change that now, no matter how much she wanted to. Now it was time to atone for her mistakes. She stepped into the cabin, walking towards the cowering Van with her mug held close.
Van didn’t so much as move while Taissa made her way over, kneeling down next to the bench she was perched on. Taissa set the mug on the wooden floor next to her, “Let me see.”
Van shook her head.
“I just want to take a look,” Taissa said, “it’s okay.”
She got no response for a few seconds, then Van shuffled over to face Taissa.
She looked awful.
Tai would never say that, of course, but as the sweat on her face mixed in with dirt and blood, adding a somewhat sickly look to her flushed skin. The wounded cheek was still massively swollen, wounds covered in blood, puss, and sewing thread.
Swallowing any reactions, Tai gently raised the back of her hand up to Van’s forehead, but Van shied out of the way at the last second, curling into herself.
Tai felt a twinge, “It’s okay, I just want to test your temperature.”
Van gave her a hesitant look, but then shuffled back closer.
The skin against the back of Tai’s hand was warm, a little too warm, but it wasn’t bad enough to cause Taissa concern, “How are you feeling?”
Nodding, Van said nothing. Tai expected as much, but part of her had hoped that she was getting better enough to talk. She hadn’t heard Van’s voice in days, just whines and whimpers, maybe a few hums. Tai was starting to forget what her voice sounded like, but a nod was a step in the right direction.
“Good,” Tai said, reaching down for the mug, “let’s get you something to drink.”
“Mm-mm,” Van hummed, shaking her head.
Tai sighed, “You haven’t had anything to drink in days, Van. You should have some.”
Van shook her head again.
“Even a little?”
She wouldn’t let up.
“Please drink something, Van.” Tai said, “you’ve lost a lot of blood.”
Van frowned with the good side of her mouth, hugging her knees tighter to her chest. She was still wearing the clothes she was mauled in days ago. They were torn and bloody, covered in dirt and dried vomit. A few of the girls had tried to take them off of her, but Van outright refused. She even headbutted Jackie when she tried to forcibly remove Van’s flannel.
“Okay, fuck this .” Jackie had said, storming out of the lodge while Van shot daggers at her. Neither of them had even looked at each other since. There had been some tension between them since the crash that Tai hadn’t been able to understand yet.
At a loss, Tai reached her hand up, caressing Van’s uninjured cheek. The skin was warm and clammy to the couch. It made the stone in Tai’s stomach sink even deeper. Van’s eyes widened, shooting back at the wide open cabin door behind them, as if to say ‘ they could see us .’
Tai glanced back, and when she saw no one looking, said, “I’ll take the risk.”
Now reassured, Van leaned into Tai’s touch, nuzzling her cheek into Tai’s soft hand and flicking her eyes closed. Van took a deep breath through her nose, and Tai found herself doing the same thing.
Like this, alone in the cabin, Tai’s hand pressed against Van’s flushed skin, Tai could almost imagine being back home. Curled up in her sheets, door closed, her parents gone at work, they would let the world around them fade away.
None of the Yellowjackets knew about Van and Tai’s relationship, for fear that they would react… negatively, but that gave their relationship a kind of spark that Taissa had never felt before. Every time they were around each other, it was like a flame had been lit. It felt dangerous, secretive, beautiful.
Van’s eyes eventually flicked open, the terrified intensity within them gone. She pulled away from Tai’s hand ever so slightly, then reached out for the mug with grabby, weak hands. The moment was gone, but Taissa felt a rush of relief as she raised the mug with her free hand, “Need a sip?”
Van nodded, and Taissa readjusted herself to sit on Van’s right side so she could more easily hold the cup to Van’s lips. Her lips shook for a moment, willing herself to fight through the pain. Van squeezed her eyes shut, a few gentle whimpers escaping her as her mouth began to open, the right side more than the left.
When Van gave a nod, Taissa tipped the mug back ever so slightly, watching the water start to dribble into Van’s mouth. A few small dribbles fell along Van’s chin, but for the most part, Van chugged down the water until it ran out. She grunted and moaned, licking at the end of the mug with a whine.
“I’ll get you some more,” Tai said, setting the empty mug aside, “just let that settle first.”
Van sighed from her nose, nodding. Tai looked over at her. From that angle, it looked like she was fine. It looked like the incident never even happened, and that she hadn’t been traumatized for life. That Tai hadn’t ruined her life. Then, Van rested her head on Tai’s shoulder, breathing in the smell of her sweater.
Van let out a low whine, then her lips started to open yet again, “It… it huh- it hurts.” Her voice was nothing more than a croak. It was the first time in over a day she spoke, let alone opened her mouth. Tai could only imagine how painful it felt. How searing the pain must have been for Van to so much as move her tongue without her whole cheek burning .
“I know,” Tai said.
After a swallow, Van tried again, “W…why… could…couldn’t y-you luh-leave me… b-b-behind…?”
Tai’s eyes started to sting, she willed herself not to cry, “Van, you know I couldn’t do that.”
Van’s breaths were wobbly, “I don’t… don’t w-want to-”
“I know,” Tai repeated, forfeiting her resistance and letting her tears flow, “I did this to you.”
Van shuffled, keeping her cheek resting on Tai’s shoulder, but angled herself to look at Tai. She waited until her gaze was reciprocated to speak again, “N… not yuh- your f-f-fault.”
“Van-”
“Shhhh…” Van curled up against Tai, her arm wrapping around Tai’s lower back, “don’t cry.”
Taissa closed her eyes, savoring the silence yet again. She tried once more to pretend they weren’t there. To pretend it was yet another Friday night and Van was having another ‘sleepover’ at her place to ‘work on homework’ together. She pretended they had just ordered a pizza, and Van’s hands were so warm against her stomach… she pretended until the rest of the real world fell apart around them, and Tai could imagine her own.
After a while, Van’s breaths slowed to an even pace. She had fallen asleep. Tai looked at her, eyes stinging as she admired how peaceful she looked. For months they had been stranded, forced to think on their toes and strategize like their lives depended on it… because they did. But now, even if it was just a moment, Taissa pushed that all away and spent time with her girlfriend.
Tai leaned over, placing a kiss on the top of Van’s head, then rested her chin there. As long as they had each other, Tai knew they could make it out of there. She had fucked up once, and she wasn’t going to anymore. Van meant too much to her.
She was never going to let Van get hurt again.