Work Text:
Jiang Cheng groaned, thumping his head onto the table. His temples throbbed, and his jaw muscles clenched tightly. Just what crime had he committed in his past life to deserve this?
Above his head, Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang's bickering voices went back and forth.
"Oh please, the poll was clearly rigged!" Nie Huaisang insisted. "How could da-ge only place seventh? He's a handsome hunk!"
"Nah, he's too intimidating for the ladies," Wei Wuxian waved him off. "He's always frowning, just like our dear Chengcheng here. But compared to my didi, your bro is also tall and has muscles, so not nearly as cute~"
"Leave me out of this," Jiang Cheng grumbled, pulling his book in front of his face.
Nie Huaisang gasped. "You should get your eyes checked, Wei-xiong. My da-ge is so totally cute! Isn't he, Jiang-xiong?"
"I said leave me out of it!" Jiang Cheng snapped. He wanted nothing to do with this stupid popularity poll. Most handsome guy of the uni? Psh, who the hell cared! Somehow Jiang Cheng had made fifth place, even though he didn't even remember registering. Someone had probably voted for him as a prank.
“Besides, don't tell me about 'too intimidating'.” Nie Huaisang ignored his testy reply in order to continue jeering Wei Wuxian. "Your boyfriend placed second, even though he only has one facial expression!"
"You take that back!" Wei Wuxian cried in outrage. "Chengcheng, tell him–"
"Shut up!" Jiang Cheng slammed his book onto the table. The librarian looked over at them, sending a reproachful glare.
"Ahem," Jiang Cheng said, clearing his throat. "What I mean to say, some of us want to actually study for the exam tomorrow and don't have time for this crap. If you can't keep quiet, leave."
A sudden, calculating glint went through Wei Wuxian's eyes that rang all of Jiang Cheng's alarm bells. “Hehe, Chengcheng,” his adopted older brother sing-songed, walking around the table with a swagger. Before Jiang Cheng could protest, Wei Wuxian threw an arm around his shoulder, pulling him close to grin into his face. "I understand there’s no need for you to spend time debating the poll. Since your Lan-da-ge dreamboat crush made first place anyway~"
"What the– You–!" sputtering his breaths and red as a traffic light, Jiang Cheng shoved Wei Wuxian's arm away. "–Shut the hell up Wei Wuxian! Who said I have a crush!? I dont care about this stupid poll!!"
Wei Wuxian and Nie Huaisang exchanged a glance. "Protesting so much, Jiang-xiong," Nie Huaisang hummed in a cheerful tone.
Wei Wuxian nodded. "Yes, awfully suspicious of you, Chengcheng. I'm honestly not sure if I should believe you~"
“Wha–” Jiang Cheng’s eyelid twitched. He felt genuinely close to an aneurysm. "A-as if I care!"
"Buuut we'd be inclined to believe you that you don't have a crush..." Nie Huaisang continued, unbothered, "If you can help us out~"
Clenching his fists tightly, Jiang Cheng let out a slow breath. So that was what they wanted all along. He knew he’d been trapped; best get it over with whatever scheme they had put in their heads if he wanted any peace and quiet. "Will you leave me alone if I do...?"
"Why, of course, my darling didi! We keep our word," Wei Wuxian said overly sweetly, hugging Jiang Cheng again and ruffling his hair. "You can trust us~"
"Thanks, but I'd rather not," Jiang Cheng muttered. He tried to worm of Wei Wuxian's tarantula grip, to no avail. "What do I need to do?"
"Be our judge," Nie Huaisang said.
"Tell us, Chengcheng, who's better looking," Wei Wuxian continued. "My Lan Zhan, or Nie-da-ge?"
Jiang Cheng frowned for a moment while they both looked at him eagerly. Then, he announced, "Nie Mingjue."
"Ha!!!"
"Gasp!!!"
Nie Huaisang was making a triumphant face. "I knew Jiang-xiong had taste."
"I can't believe it!" Wei Wuxian, on the other hand, was shaking his head dramatically, looking at Jiang Cheng as if he had just been stabbed. "How could my own didi betray me?"
"Hmph," Jiang Cheng crossed his arms, "If you didn't want me to answer, then don't ask!"
"You just chose randomly so we would leave you alone!" Wei Wuxian accused him.
"No, he didn't," Nie Huaisang tsk’ed. "Stop being a sore loser!"
None of them heard the library door opening at that moment.
"What do you like about Nie-da-ge then, Chengcheng?" Wei Wuxian continued probing. "It surely can't be his face! My Lan Zhan has the most beautiful face!"
"Are you saying my da-ge has an ugly face? Compared to Lan ‘a botoxed old lady has more emotions' Wangji? Do you need your eyes bleached!?"
"Ha! I'm saying your da-ge should get his face bleached! Maybe it would finally rid him of that awful moustache!"
"You dare–!"
"CHEST!" Jiang Cheng yelled, shutting up the two bickering parties. They turned around towards him in question, making his face grow warm once more. "He has... a big chest," Jiang Cheng grit out, glaring at the ground. "I like that. Happy?"
"Aww, Chengcheng~" Wei Wuxian's grin spread widely across his face, all thoughts of the argument gone as he entered tease-my-didi mode once again. The tone of his voice instantly told Jiang Cheng that he was going to regret this outburst later. "I didn't know you preferred big boys! Want to hide your face in those big honkers?" Wei Wuxian waggled his eyebrows suggestively and made squeezing motions with his hands.
“Wei. Wu. Xian.” Jiang Cheng’s entire body shook, both from embarrassment and anger. He tried his best to keep his breathing under control, and all the while he felt like his head was about to explode. "For the absolute last time, shut the fuck up!"
No one noticed how a very pale faced Lan Xichen left the library, closing the door behind himself with a slam.
"He likes da-ge's chest..."
~*~
"Da-ge!"
Nie Mingjue jumped in his seat, almost spilling his energy drink all over his study notes in surprise when the classroom door was abruptly slammed open. "Xichen, what the–" he turned towards the door. "...Why are you not wearing a shirt?"
"I need to know!" Lan Xichen declared, as if that explained anything, and marched over to where Nie Mingjue was sitting, with an unusually grim expression on his flawless face. Lan Xichen's expensive white silk blazer was carelessly crumpled underneath his arms, making him look like a (regrettably handsome) loon.
"And what do you need to know that requires the removal of your shirt?" Nie Mingjue scoffed in disbelief. Some of their classmates were already throwing curious glances at them, unused to such behavior from the perfect, illustrious a-student. But Nie Mingjue was his best friend, and knew exactly what a clown he could be. "If you're asking me to check the patterns of moles on your back for compatibility with Jiang Wanyin's birth year again, the answer is n– WHAT THE HELL, LAN XICHEN!?"
While Nie Mingjue had kept talking, Lan Xichen had walked closer and closer to him, until he stood right in front of Nie Mingjue and unceremoniously ripped open the zipper of his jacket. The students around them gasped. Nie Mingjue let out a very manly–not at all high-pitched–shriek, and pulled back to hide his chest from view. "What do you think you're doing!?"
"I need to compare our chests!" Lan Xichen said stubbornly, trying to push Nie Mingjue's hands out of the way. "I need to see whose chest is bigger! Please, da-ge, it's a life or death situation!"
"Stop this!" Nie Mingjue grunted, grappling with him and slapping the gropy hands away in an attempt to defend his poor pecs from being fondled. "Have you gone mad? I'm not going to take off my shirt in the middle of school!" When the other didn't let up, he gave his friend a shove, pushing him a few steps back.
"But..." Lan Xichen's shoulders sank, and, oh no… There was that damn rejected puppy face.
You're immune, Nie Mingjue told himself, you're immune, you've known him since he tried to eat his own snot in preschool, you're immune to this. You. Are. Immune.
"Da-ge," Lan Xichen said sadly. "I think Wanyin doesn't like me..."
Yeah, Nie Mingjue wasn't immune.
"...How so?" he asked with a deep sigh.
"I overheard him talking to Wei Wuxian and A-Sang in the library! He told them he likes you because you have a big chest. Do you think my chest is too small, da-ge?" Lan Xichen pointed emphatically towards his own sizable pecs.
Nie Mingjue scoffed and opened his mouth to tell Lan Xichen that he was being ridiculous (especially because he knew from Huaisang that Jiang Wanyin had the biggest crush on his clown of a friend).
But Lan Xichen, deep in his own throes of despair, didn't let him get a word in. "It probably is, isn't it? Da-ge, you need to tell me your workout routine!"
"We go to the gym together, we have the same damn routine!"
"Then I'm going to do twice the amount of you from now on!!" Lan Xichen declared vehemently. "I'll know nothing but the grind from today–there can be no one with a bigger chest than me at this school! Any obstacle keeping Wanyin's attention from me... must be removed!!"
There was an almost manic glint in Lan Xichen's eyes, making Nie Mingjue shudder. A feeling of impending dread coiled in his guts, an awful suspicion that he would not have another calm moment until this entire matter was resolved.
"That... won't be necessary," Nie Mingjue thus said, standing up from his seat. "I'll come up with a way to solve this situation. Get Jiang Wanyin to pay attention to you."
"R-really?" Lan Xichen's eyes were turning sparkly. "You would do that for me, da-ge?"
More like I'm doing it for my peace of mind, Nie Mingjue muttered under his breath. But to Lan Xichen, he nodded. "Naturally. Don't you worry!" He gave his friend an emphatic slap on the naked chest, vindictively enjoying Lan Xichen's little wince. That's for uselessly annoying me for the past three years about your dumb crush, he thought.
"But how?" Lan Xichen asked.
"Just leave it to me." Nie Mingjue nodded at him with a serious face. "It's best if you don't know the details in advance. That way, your actions will be more realistic."
"Ooooh!" Lan Xichen nodded in understanding, sending him a conspirative look. "I get it, da-ge, the surprise effect. You want me to be my natural self when Wanyin notices me. A foolproof plan! Well then, I entrust myself to you~"
"Hmph."
~*~
"...And that is basically the situation," Nie Mingjue finished explaining. "So what is your advice, council?"
Nie Huaisang and Jin Guangyao exchanged skeptical glances.
"You want us to do what? Help er-ge and little Jiang confess to each other?" Jin Guangyao raised a well-trimmed eyebrow.
Nie Mingjue nodded. "Basically. Even though I said I had a plan, it was a complete bluff. I have no idea how to get those two together. I only said it for my peace of mind, so that he wouldn’t come back to haunt me once he inevitably died from overexerting himself in the gym."
"How sly of you, da-ge," Nie Huaisang said with a chuckle. "Even with your late years, you have learned some tricks from little old me~"
"Hey! What do you mean, ‘late years’–!?"
"–But I'm afraid I cannot help you." His younger brother shook his head in regret. "I've already tried every trick in the book when it comes to matchmaking. Those two are as thick as tree trunks."
Jin Guangyao also shook his head. "They are beyond help. Er-ge has a complete tunnel vision when it comes to Jiang Wanyin, turning his charme useless, and Jiang Wanyin is oblivious to every form of subtlety. If you tried to set them up for a situation, they would just stutter stupidly at each other without even a single kiss coming out of it."
"Indeed," Nie Huaisang sighed, slumping on the table. "The only way you could get them to kiss if you forced them at gunpoint, probably..."
Nie Mingjue frowned, deep in thought.
"Well, I'm no good at subtlety anyway but..." he looked up at the two of them.
"I think I can do that. Minus the gun."
~*~
The next day, Jiang Cheng was handed a note from Nie Huaisang, which read, 'Come to the library today at seven after class. –Nie Mingjue'.
He gave Nie Huaisang a questioning look, but his friend just shrugged unhelpfully.
"Just don't be late, Jiang-xiong. You wouldn't want to disappoint da-ge now, would you?"
~*~
"Nie-da-ge, I'm sorry for running late." Jiang Cheng called as he entered the library. "Wei Wuxian was– oh." Once he caught sight of Lan Xichen standing next to Nie Mingjue, he froze on the spot, eyes going wide and cheeks coloring a little.
"X-xichen-ge, hi..."
Lan Xichen shot Nie Mingjue a confused look, before sending a likewise flustered, hesitant smile in greeting. "N-nice to see you, Wanyin..."
They both stood there, staring at each other uselessly from a little distance, as if they couldn't quite grasp the reality of the other existing in front of them right now. Nie Mingjue could've very well left the room without either noticing. Hopeless lovebirds.
"Jiang Wanyin, thank you for coming on short notice."
Nie Mingjue stepped forward with a loud voice, making the both of them startle out of their little daze. "Since it’s about a very important matter."
"H-huh?.... I-its, um, not a problem. But may I ask what it was that you...?" Jiang Cheng trailed off awkwardly when Nie Mingjue started walking closer towards him, pulling a sluggish Lan Xichen along by the elbow. Nie Mingjue only stopped when they stood right in front of Jiang Cheng, and the latter had to tilt his neck to look up to them. Jiang Cheng swallowed a little nervously, but didn't dare move a step back.
Next to himself, Nie Mingjue felt Lan Xichen shift apprehensively on his feet. The atmosphere was tense.
Before either of them could decide to bolt on him, Nie Mingjue shot out his arm, and grabbed Jiang Cheng tightly by the wrist. "I have called you here because I have a very important request for you." He leaned forward a little, looking a wide-eyed Jiang Cheng deeply into the eyes.
"U-uh...?" Jiang Cheng croaked, somewhat dumbfounded.
Nie Mingjue felt Lan Xichen fix his neck with a betrayed gaze. Idiot, thought Nie Mingjue with a scowl, what do you think i'm doing here!? I'm doing this for you!
"Could you, please…," Nie Mingjue began, pulling Jiang Cheng's arm towards him, "...touch his chest." Without further ado, he moved Jiang Cheng's hand forward to land on Lan Xichen's right pec.
"Wh-wha–" Jiang Cheng's entire body jumped at the impact, digging his fingers into the firm flesh reflexively.
Lan Xichen froze from head to toe. Then, he let out a tiny, barely audible moan. "Ah..."
"N-n-nie-da-ge--? X-x-xichen-ge, what–?!" Jiang Cheng sputtered, face growing a bright red color at the realization of what was happening. His arm squirmed futilely, trying to wind himself out of Nie Mingjue's iron grip, but Nie Mingjue didn't allow him to withdraw, and only tightened his fingers.
"It's a very nice chest, isn't it, Jiang Wanyin?" Nie Mingjue continued with an unperturbed voice, and moved Jiang Wanyin's resisting palm to press even tighter against Lan Xichen's pectoral. Nie Mingjue could feel Lan Xichen's tenseness below, but the other still didn't move away. "Very large and firm. Perfect for resting your head on. Wouldn't you say it's the nicest chest you've ever touched?"
"I-I-I havent–" Jiang Cheng shook his head, seemingly unable to complete a sentence. His mind was completely fried from the embarrassing situation. "I mean, I-I don't–"
But Nie Mingjue had no patience for it. "Answer me when I speak to you!"
"Uh–" At the stern command, Jiang Cheng snapped to attention. "It's indeed a very nice chest! Sir!" He yelled out loud, not daring to lie with Nie Mingjue glaring down at him.
"I thought so," Nie Mingjue said. Abruptly, he turned around towards Lan Xichen. "And you!" he barked, glaring imposingly at his friend in a similar manner than he had Jiang Cheng. "What do you think?!"
Lan Xichen almost startled in surprise at being addressed, a broad flush all across his face. Tearing his gaze away from where he had been making goo-goo eyes at Jiang Cheng, he looked at Nie Mingjue like a fish. "H-huh?"
Nie Mingjue almost rolled his eyes, almost. "What do you think about him touching your chest, snoozehead?" he probed. "You like it? Want him to continue doing it?"
Lan Xichen fluttered his eyelashes bashfully, averting his gaze to mumble into his sleeve. "Ilikeitalot."
Nie Mingjue huffed. "Louder."
"I like it a lot!"
"Louder!!!"
Lan Xichen took a deep breath. "I LIKE IT A LOT, AND I ALSO WANT WANYIN TO TOUCH MY CHEST ONLY, NO ONE ELSE'S!!!"
For a few moments, there was silence. Only Lan Xichen's heavy breathing from his outburst filled the room.
"There now, was that so hard?" Nie Mingjue let go of Jiang Cheng's trembling hand, watching as the younger man finally took two unsteady steps back. Jiang Cheng blinked a few times, red like a traffic light, and looking like he was going to pass out any moment. "A-are you two playing a prank on me...?"
Nie Mingjue made a grim face, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "Do I look like I pull pranks!?"
Jiang Cheng swallowed. "Um. N-no, but–"
"Then, does this besotted himbo look like he'd prank you?! Damn it, Xichen, don't just stand there and stare at him, you can do that all day after you've become boyfriends!!"
Finally, Nie Mingjue's heartfelt tirade seemed to pull Lan Xichen out of his stupor. "Wanyin," he wailed, grabbing the same wrist Nie Mingjue had earlier, and gently but firmly pulled it back onto his chest. "I've wanted to tell you for a very long time, but always kept waiting for the perfect moment that would never come. But I meant every word! Please, be my boyfriend?"
"I–" Jiang Cheng averted his gaze, unsure and with brows knit tightly together into a grimace. But his fingers told another story, curling into the fabric of Lan Xichen's shirt. "I'd...like that," he spat out onto the ground, as if it had personally offended him.
Despite Jiang Cheng's rude tone, Lan Xichen's face lit up into a million watt smile. "Really? you really will?" It was as if a cloudy sky had parted to make way for a bright, colorful rainbow.
"D-don't make me say it twice." Jiang Cheng grumbled bashfully, but Lan Xichen had already pulled him close, wounding an arm around his slender waist.
"About damn time." Nie Mingjue mumbled.
He slammed the library door behind himself, just at the same moment as Lan Xichen dove in to capture his new boyfriend's lips into a passionate kiss.
~*~
"So... does it mean you like my chest more than you like da-ge's?" asked Lan Xichen, in between catching his breath from kissing Jiang Cheng senseless against one of the bookshelves.
"What the–" The sharpness of Jiang Cheng's voice couldn't hide his tremor of embarrassment. "What's your obsession with what I think about your chest!?"
Lan Xichen looked at Jiang Cheng with puppy eyes.
"Ugh! Fine!" Jiang Cheng scrunched his face together angrily, no more a match for that expression than Nie Mingjue was. "O-obviously every part of yours is my favorite, compared to everyone else's..."
A satisfied smile stretched across Lan Xichen's face. "So Wanyin will hide his face only in my big honkers, no?" He pulled Jiang Cheng snug against himself, grabbing his surprised boyfriend's head and pushing it into the cleft in between his pecs. "You can use them as your pillows whenever you wish~"
"Mmmph! Hmmph!" came Jiang Cheng's muffled voice from between Lan Xichen's chest, something-something about 'that damned Wei Wuxian'.
~*~ The End ~*~
Extra 1:
"Help! An emergency, help!" Wei Wuxian yelled as he stormed into the classroom.
Nie Huaisang looked up from doodling onto his notes. "What happened?"
"Th-that fiend, Lan Xichen!" Wei Wuxian explained with broad, swiping gestures. "He's defiling my didi in the middle of the library! I saw it clearly– he– he kissed him right on the lips! How dare he?! Chengcheng is way too young!!"
"Your brother is twenty-two."
"Exactly!" Wei Wuxian slammed his fist onto the table. "He shouldn't be doing this until he’s at least thirty-five! Oh, my poor didi is probably getting deflowered as we speak!" His face pulled into a grimace of horror. "We need to do something!"
You and Lan Wangji have been sucking each other's face off since age seventeen, Nie Huaisang wanted to retort, but instead he only leaned back in his seat and pretended to look into his algebra book. "’We’? I don’t know, really. Don’t you think this is karma for when you said my da-ge wasn't cute the other day?"
"Why should it be karma? Chengcheng didn't even–" Suddenly, Wei Wuxian's eyes widened, and then he looked down at Nie Huaisang in betrayal. "You."
"’Me’...?"
"Don’t act dumb, you shit! You did this somehow!"
"Little old me, matchmake those two?" Nie Huaisang smiled innocently. "Oh, I could never. It was all da-ge's work, inspired by my small, well-placed hint..."
~*~
Extra 2:
A few weeks later found Jiang Cheng studying in the library again, this time wearing a high-collared turtleneck sweater, because Lan Xichen apparently had no impulse control and was also secretly a dog whose new favorite chew-toy bore the name ‘Jiang Cheng’.
Suddenly, a shadow fell over his face, prompting him to look up. It was Nie Mingjue, who was wearing a serious expression.
Jiang Cheng raised an eyebrow as the other man wordlessly pulled out a chair across from him.
“I have a few words to say to you,” Nie Mingjue announced gravely.
Jiang Cheng swallowed. From that tone of voice, he could guess easily what was about to come. Since he was now dating Nie Mingjue’s best friend, the other man was probably about to tell him how many of Jiang Cheng’s bones he was going to break if he ever hurt Lan Xichen.
“Listen,” Nie Mingjue started, “Xichen may look like no bad emotion can touch him, but he’s actually very sensitive...”
Ah, there it was, Jiang Cheng thought, nodding along.
“...And also kind of pathetic. He would probably never recover if you break up with him, because he’s kind of obsessed with you, and I think he may have accumulated a collection of your used underwear beneath his bed since you started dating?”
Wait, what?
“...Anyway, I’m a little worried he might just straight up start stalking you if you break up with him, and then your brother would probably be up in arms about it, and I don’t think I could sleep peacefully at night anymore knowing it was my fault that this school will never know peace again. So please.”
Nie Mingjue looked at Jiang Cheng imploringly, with a shadowed expression on his face that Jiang Cheng would almost call haunted.
“Promise me that you won’t break his heart.”