Chapter Text
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17 December, present
A quick rush of warm air blew over him as he entered the diner, letting out a small sigh at the shelter from the cold. Running his fingers through his hair to comb out the already-melting bits of snow that stuck and blended into his platinum-blond strands, Sunghoon scanned the tables, hating the fact that he could feel his pulse bounding against his chilled skin.
He found him easily; always had. Probably always would.
Even with his back turned to Sunghoon as he stared out the Christmas light-lined windows of the diner, his form unassuming as he rested his chin in his hand, his other curled around a steaming mug—Sunoo was unmistakable. There was no way for him to not stand out in any room, no matter how big, or how full of people. Sunghoon would always find him.
He let out a deep breath before heading over to the small two-seater table, not bothering to announce himself before shrugging off his navy overcoat, hanging it on the back of his chair before sitting down. Keeping his eyes to the table, he scooted the chair in, then looked out around them, glancing over to the small Christmas tree in the corner, and the garland and lights strung up along the walls.
“Never seen Christmas decorations before, or what?”
Sunghoon licked his lips, before finally meeting the heavy stare of the boy sitting in front of him. It nearly pissed him off, just how much it still affected him to look Sunoo directly in his eyes, even after all this time—though they were so dim, now. The bright sparkling hazel he always associated with the boy almost appeared a duller, darker brown beneath his fringe, his hair a stark black, cut just slightly shorter than he normally kept it. His makeup was even minimal, as evidenced by the heavy dark circles beneath his dull eyes, only a touch of eyeliner and a thin dusting of shimmery nude eyeshadow.
“Just, uh. Looks nice. Haven’t been down here this time of year, since…,”
Sunoo blinked slowly, letting out a tiny, shaky sigh as he brought his mug up to take a sip.
“Right.”
Drumming his fingers along the edge of the table, Sunghoon bit at his bottom lip, chewing, nearly thanking the waitress out loud when she finally came over to interrupt the horribly awkward, stiff silence.
Apparently, he still couldn’t keep his foot out of his mouth around Sunoo, either.
The waitress, a young woman with her hair tied up and looking way too happy to be working an evening shift at a diner, took his order of a burger of some kind with fries with a tiny giggle as he smiled up at her. Sunoo tried to wave her off politely, shaking his head with a tiny smile when she asked if he was getting anything, but before she could walk away, Sunghoon stopped her.
“Come on, just get something, I’m paying.”
“Who says you’re paying?”
“I do. I invited you here, so I’m paying for your damn dinner.”
Sunoo rolled his eyes in a slow, overdramatic motion that made Sunghoon press his lips together into a thin line—because he knew, of course, that this was the way Sunoo rolled his eyes whenever he was doing it for the sole purpose of riling him, or anyone else up.
“Fine. I’ll just have the house salad.”
“That’s all?” the waitress asked, clearly a bit uneasy now, compared to her earlier joyful disposition, having caught on to the stilted energy between them.
“That’s all.”
“Need more tea?”
“Oh, please. Thank you.”
“No problem, have that out in a second,” she nodded before walking away, her shoes squeaking a bit on the slush on the floor that Sunghoon had dragged in from outside.
It fell silent again, aside from the muted Christmas music playing over the tinny speakers. Sunghoon cleared his throat, pushing his straw out of the wrapper on the table and taking a sip of his water before speaking.
“Thanks, by the way. For meeting me here.”
Sunoo pursed his lips, nodding shortly.
“Uh—I hope…I hope I didn’t…keep you waiting, too long—,”
“It’s fine.”
“I, uh. I know, I know you’re…probably busy, and all…I mean, I’m just—I don’t know, exactly—I just figure you are, with everyth—,”
“It’s been a long day, Sunghoon,” Sunoo cut him off with a sigh, his voice nearly a whisper. “Just tell me what you’re here for.”
He hummed a bit under his breath as he twisted, turning in his seat to pat down his coat pockets to find what he was looking for, sighing a bit in relief as he found it, pulling it out and setting it on the table in front of Sunoo.
“Thank fuck, hah—thought I dropped it out in that mess or something,” he chuckled lightly, taking another long sip of water when Sunoo didn’t even crack a smirk, only staring down at the thick white envelope.
“Here’s your tea—food will be out in a bit,” the waitress popped back over as she topped off Sunoo’s mug, the steam from the pot wafting over enough for Sunghoon to smell the light trace of mint. He wrinkled his nose at the scent.
“Thank you,” Sunoo muttered as she left, before picking up the envelope, slipping his pinky finger under the corner and tearing it open cleanly before pulling out the card. He only glanced at it for a second before setting it down, tracing his finger along the edge.
“Uh—I’m sure you knew about it, already—well, uh, I don’t know, maybe not—uh, but—,”
“I knew. I messaged Jungwonie congratulations, already—a couple months ago.”
“Ah—yeah. Well, uh. It’s just, you know, uh, how they are, especially Jay—they wanted you to get a formal invitation like everyone else, but—none of us, uh, had your new address.”
“They could’ve just asked me.”
“Right—well, yeah, but…,”
“But?”
“They, uh. Thought. You might need…some…convincing. To actually come.”
Sunoo scoffed, his eyes widening slightly, “so they sent you to convince me?”
“Look, Sunoo—,”
“No, you look—I don’t know what part of ‘I don’t want anything to do with you anymore’ you don’t fucking understand—,”
“I don’t fucking understand why you agreed to show up here, then—,”
“Salad?”
Sunghoon sat back in his chair, jaw clenched as the waitress stood awkwardly, waiting for Sunoo to lean back away from the table so she could set his plate down.
“Thank you,” he gritted out, waiting for the girl to walk off before letting his stiff smile fall, his eyes sharp as he looked back at Sunghoon.
“I’m doing this, for Jungwonie,” he said under his breath, his words slow and pointed, tapping the card for emphasis. “He told me it was important.”
“Is it not?”
“Sending you is doing the exact opposite of convincing me to show up to this wedding,” Sunoo snatched the card up, placing it back in the envelope before tucking it away in his bag.
“It’s not—,” Sunghoon sighed, swallowing thickly as he ran his hand through his hair, letting a few of the long strands fall in front of his eyes. “Look, they just…they want you there. Jungwonie wants you up there, as a groomsman, with us, and—they just thought, that, maybe…we should…see each other before then. To…you know. Talk.”
Sunoo shook his head, clicking his tongue, but Sunghoon continued before he could say anything.
“Just—to clear the air, a bit, or whatever. Just enough for us to be able to be around each other during the wedding without it being too awkward, or…I don’t know, cause problems, I guess.”
“I wouldn’t start shit at their wedding, I’m not that much of a bitch—,”
“I’m not saying you would, I’m just saying—,”
“And I think I could manage being in the same room as you just fine, without this ridiculous 'clearing the air' bullshit—,”
“Sunoo, please.”
“The fact they think that little of me—,”
“Pretty sure they’re more concerned about me making an ass of myself,” Sunghoon forced out, glancing up at the ceiling. “Can’t blame them, really, considering my track record.”
Sunoo snapped his mouth shut, huffing tiny little breaths before relaxing into his seat, sipping his tea.
“...Yeah, well. That makes sense, I guess.”
Sunghoon smirked, looking Sunoo over once again as the boy drank his tea, his eyes closed as if trying to temper himself.
Despite the bags under his eyes and his wearied demeanor, Sunoo still looked beautiful as ever beneath the soft glow of the restaurant lights, the colorful Christmas bulbs reflecting ever so slightly in his dark hair, still shiny. His skin was clear, though paler than he’d been the last time Sunghoon saw him, and his hands were still manicured, though they lacked any of the glitter or sparkly gems he’d always liked. His thick, baby-blue sweater looked soft, a little too big on his frame—he’d definitely lost weight, and Sunghoon supposed that was to be expected, a bit, but it still sent a pang through his chest to watch as the boy barely ate, moving little forkfuls of his salad around on the plate, occasionally taking a small bite.
Sunoo looked up from under his long lashes, probably feeling Sunghoon’s eyes on him, and Sunghoon felt his heart jump to his throat as he averted his stare.
Still took his breath away, too. Did anything ever change, really?
“Is there a reason you have to watch me eat?” he asked as he took a bite.
Sunghoon shook his head, and started to say something before the waitress showed up, setting his food down with a soft smile, her eyes shining.
“Here you are! Enjoy!” she chirped out, cheeks turning pink when Sunghoon smiled bright, thanking her.
He stuck a couple fries in his mouth as Sunoo let out a tiny scoff, stuffing a bite of his frankly depressing-looking lettuce into his mouth with more force than really necessary.
“What?” Sunghoon mumbled, squinting as Sunoo chewed a bit aggressively.
“Nothing.”
He sighed, turning his focus to his food, knowing that pushing would lead to nothing but a useless argument. He’d been there enough times with the other to know this, by now, and to know when to pick his battles.
Yeah, not much had changed. It was kind of amazing, just how quickly someone could fall back into an old routine.
They were quiet as they ate—well, Sunghoon ate, and Sunoo did whatever impression of eating he could muster, just barely clearing half the plate before Sunghoon spoke up again, the silence setting him on edge.
“How—how’s Riki doing?”
Sunoo’s hand twitched, and his fork scraped against the plate; Sunghoon winced at the grating noise.
“...Okay.”
“Ah…good.”
“Mhm.”
Sunghoon pushed his own plate back to rest his elbows on the table, his stomach a bit queasy all of a sudden.
“I mean—is he, you know—can he—do you think he’ll…be able to co—,”
“I’m not talking about him with you, Sunghoon.”
He pressed his lips together tight, trying to keep down the swell of irritation in his gut.
“Well, if he's…up to it, the invite extends to him, too, obviously—,”
“Okay. Great.”
“Sunoo, for God’s sake—,”
“What?” Sunoo exhaled, letting his fork fall to his plate with a clang. “What, what the fuck do you want from me?”
“I don’t—fuck, Sunoo, I don’t know, I just—,”
“I’ll fucking go, okay? I’ll be there. Tell Jungwon I’ll fuckin’ be there. I’ll take the day off work if I have to, and I’ll be there, and I won’t cause any trouble—,”
“He doesn’t think you’d—,”
“Consider the air cleared. Thank you for dinner,” Sunoo spat out, grabbing his old white leather shoulder bag as he stood harshly and headed towards the door, the chair skidding loudly against the tiled floor as he did so.
“Sunoo—,”
“Uh—would either of you like a to-go box?”
“No—just—no," Sunghoon stuttered out, pulling a fifty from his wallet and tossing it to the table, muttering a quick “just keep the change” to the stunned waitress as he threw his coat over his arm and hurried to follow Sunoo outside.
“Sunoo!”
“God, Sunghoon, can you just—,”
“I’m sorry, alright, I won’t, I won’t bring anything up—,”
“You bring everything up just by fucking being here!”
“What do you want me to do about that!?” Sunghoon cried out, tapping roughly at his own chest. “What do you want me to do, act like we don’t know each other, like we’re just, just—fucking, strangers?”
“Yes, actually, I’d love that!”
“Well, I can’t, Sunoo, I can’t fucking do that—,”
“Then just leave me the fuck alone like I asked you to!” Sunoo screamed, finally turning around, the fire in his eyes damn near enough to melt the tiny flecks of fluffy snow that fell lightly around them.
“You really want that? You really want me to never fucking talk to you again?”
“I fuckin’ told you so, didn’t I?”
He breathed heavily as Sunoo stepped up to him quickly, their gazes meeting, unbroken, unblinking. He licked his lips, his chest burning. Sunoo’s fox-eyes were bright and sparkling for the first time since Sunghoon had seen him that evening, though he couldn’t tell in the dark if the wetness along his lashes was from tears or the wet snow—which melted by the time it hit the ground, turning into a nasty gray slush rather than a pretty white blanket.
“You want me to stop talking?”
“I don’t wanna hear another fuckin’ word from you, Sunghoon.”
“You want me to shut up?”
“I’d love nothing more.”
“Guess you’ll have to fucking make me, then, huh?”
He watched as Sunoo’s eyes darkened ever so slightly, his shimmering eyeshadow sparkling just a bit in the light of the diner’s sign as his eyelids fell just a touch. His chin tilted up, his head cocked to the side, just barely. His plump lips parted, just a little. Just enough.
And Sunghoon knew, with that one, single look—that he had him.
Seconds later, and they were scrunched up next to each other in the backseat of Sunghoon’s truck, their mouths crashing together, pulling at each other’s clothes, the air in the truck cab quickly growing warm enough to steam the windows compared to the chill outside.
It happened so fast that Sunghoon could hardly recall unlocking the truck, but of course, that’s how it always went. They’d go weeks—months at times, without speaking. Then one of them would message the other, they’d meet up, they’d fight, they’d fuck. They'd make up, get back together. Until the distance, or time, or insecurity, maybe all of it set in again, and they'd break up again. Rinse, and repeat.
For the past two and a half years. It was like clockwork.
Granted—their last fight had been The Big One: screaming over each other on the phone, throwing things, breaking shit, only the worst insults and the sharpest accusations and the deepest wounds spread open as they argued. Sunoo had eventually broken down, telling Sunghoon he was done for good, hanging up and blocking his number. That had been just over seven months ago, and they’d only seen each other once since then until now—and that hadn’t been much better circumstances at all.
It was almost the worst circumstance, really, but miraculously it wasn't. Sunghoon shivered, both from the horrific memory and the way Sunoo mouthed at his pulse point on his neck, his cold hands finding their way underneath Sunghoon’s shirt.
“Take this off,” he breathed, his warm breath ghosting across Sunghoon’s throat, and he complied, cursing as the roof of the vehicle gave him little room to pull the sweatshirt off. He fell forward, pinning Sunoo to the backseat as he kissed him, desperate, hands shaking as he rushed to undo the other’s jeans.
“Fuck, Sunoo,” he gasped out as the smaller arched up into the touch, his thigh brushing against Sunghoon’s hardening cock through his jeans as he shimmied out of his own, kicking them off onto the floor along with his underwear.
“That’s the idea,” Sunoo nipped at Sunghoon’s collarbone as he shoved Sunghoon’s pants down. His heavy breath turned into a sharp gasp as Sunghoon pulled him up easily, settling him down onto his lap before capturing his lips again.
“That smartass mouth of yours could really be put to better use,” Sunghoon grunted, eyes rolling back when Sunoo began grinding down onto him, chasing that delicious friction.
“Thought you were gonna shut the fuck up?” Sunoo hissed, moaning low under his breath when Sunghoon grabbed his ass, guiding him down harder. He grasped Sunghoon’s shoulders, spreading his legs a bit wider.
“Told you, you’d have to make me.”
Sunoo shoved him back hard against the headrest, bringing his mouth to Sunghoon’s, less of a kiss and more like an attack. Their lips met hard, messily, becoming swollen and reddened in no time. Their tongues battled aimlessly, and Sunghoon relished the faint taste of mint—which he only ever really enjoyed if he was tasting it in Sunoo's mouth. He bit Sunoo’s bottom lip softly, groaning when the smaller sped up his hips, nearly bouncing from the pace of his grinding.
“God, fuck—Sunoo, can I fuck you?”
“Please, Sunghoon, yes—please. Need you.”
“Stuff’s in the glovebox.”
“‘Course it is,” Sunoo rolled his eyes, shifting off of Sunghoon just enough to reach to the front, rifling through the glovebox. Sunghoon ran his hand up Sunoo’s hip as he did so, squeezing at his waist, bringing his thumb over to flick the boy’s belly button ring.
“Strawberry-flavored, really?” Sunoo scoffed, holding the travel-size bottle of lube up, raising a brow when Sunghoon snatched it, squeezing a generous amount onto his fingers.
“Wasn’t paying attention when I bought it,” he mumbled, pulling Sunoo closer to his chest as he reached around, teasing the boy’s rim with one finger.
“Sure, you weren’t—fuck!” he squeaked out, whining. “Couldn’t have tried to warm it up a bit, God damn—,”
“Sorry.”
“You sound real sorry, I really believe it—,”
His sarcastic quip was cut short as Sunghoon fully inserted his finger, already teasing the second as he pushed in and out.
“Fuck—Sunghoon, I—I haven’t…,”
“I can tell. You’re so tight.”
Sunoo shuddered above him, his knees tightening against Sunghoon’s hips when Sunghoon added a second finger slowly.
“Please, Sunghoon—wait—,”
“Relax for me, Baby, come on. You’re alright.”
Sunoo whimpered, and Sunghoon felt his cock twitch at the sound, practically a Pavlovian response by now.
“That’s it, like that. So good for me,” he groaned, leaving wet kisses to Sunoo’s neck as he began rocking his hips, fucking himself onto Sunghoon’s fingers. "Always so fucking good for me, Baby."
“Feel so good, God—Sunghoonie—,”
“You’re leaking, already,” Sunghoon said against his throat, grabbing Sunoo’s dick, thumbing at the head, wiping away the precum beading from the tip.
“Want you so fucking much,” Sunoo moaned, his breath hitching when Sunghoon slowly added a third finger. He wrapped his arms around Sunghoon’s neck, holding himself closer.
“God, Sunoo—want you too. Always. All the fucking time,” Sunghoon practically growled, rucking up Sunoo's sweater and bringing his hand to the small of his back as he leaned them both forward, nipping at the piercings lining Sunoo’s ear.
“Ah—mmm, Sung—Sunghoon, hah—right there, please, oh, fuck—,”
“Just a bit more, Baby, fuck, you’re just—so tight.”
“I can—I can take it, Sunghoon, please, I don’t—I need you, in me, now—,”
"Don't be so impatient. Let me make sure you're ready for me."
Sunghoon reached up, grabbing Sunoo by the back of his neck and pulling him into another kiss—slower, this time, deep and heady, as he continued to stretch him. Sunoo sighed into the kiss, relaxing into Sunghoon’s hold even further.
“I’m ready, I am,” he breathed out against his lips as Sunghoon trailed his hand around to Sunoo’s jaw, down to the hollow of his throat, pressing lightly on the earthy reddish-brown stone of his necklace with his thumb. It was one Sunghoon had never seen him wear before; he briefly wondered where Sunoo had gotten it from. Or who he’d gotten it from.
“Come on, then,” he whispered, carefully pulling out his fingers, watching with half-lidded eyes as Sunoo tore the condom open, rolling it onto him with deft fingers and adding more lube, kissing Sunghoon as he stroked him. He scooted his hips forward, guiding Sunghoon into him as he sank down slowly. He took his time, and Sunghoon didn’t complain. He watched every expression that flitted across Sunoo’s face, rapt, groaning once he eventually bottomed out.
Sunghoon trailed his hands up beneath Sunoo's sweater, up to his belly, around his waist, then back down to his thighs, rubbing softly as if soothing him while he waited for Sunoo to adjust. Reveling in the feeling of being inside him, so warm and tight—and in being able to hold him like this again, to get to see him looking down at Sunghoon with those honey eyes, his dark hair stuck to his forehead, lightly damp from sweat.
“You’re still so fucking gorgeous,” he choked out, lifting his hips just slightly, just enough for Sunoo to feel it, licking his lips at the strangled moan the smaller let out. “So Goddamn beautiful. Always, Sunoo.”
Sunoo’s eyes fluttered as he began moving, lifting himself up and slowly grinding back down, holding onto the headrest with one hand, his other on the base of Sunghoon’s throat.
“Missed this,” he breathed out, his hand tightening just slightly as he leaned down for another kiss, sharp breaths escaping him as Sunghoon began thrusting up in time with him carefully, squeezing Sunoo’s waist.
“Yeah? Fuck—fuck, Baby, me too,” Sunghoon gasped, shivering when Sunoo’s hand tightened around his throat for just a second, “God, Sunoo, you’re so fucking—feel so fucking good.”
“Needed this—needed you.”
“You’ve got me, Baby. You’ve got me, whatever you need.”
Sunoo let out a keen little whine, chin tucking towards his chest as he moved faster, and Sunghoon could feel the way he was shaking.
"Come here," he cooed once Sunoo seemed to be tiring out, wrapping his arms around the smaller when he leaned in, hugging Sunghoon again. He tucked his face into Sunghoon's neck, and he could feel Sunoo’s tears trickling onto his skin.
"Please," he sniffled, one of his hands reaching up to thread into Sunghoon's hair at his nape, and Sunghoon knew what he needed.
Planting his feet best he could on the floor of the truck, he gripped Sunoo's waist tight as he fucked up into him, rough and quick. Sunoo shivered and let out a broken moan, his body seeming boneless as he relaxed forward into Sunghoon's chest, allowing him to do as he wished.
"I really, don't think I—you feel too good, Baby, I can't—,"
Sunoo whined something into his neck, and Sunghoon felt him reach down to where his cock was trapped between their abdomens. So, he took one hand and twisted his fingers into Sunoo's hair the best he could, tugging hard as he sped up.
Sunoo nearly screamed, his whole body stiffening, and Sunghoon only had to thrust up maybe two, three more times before he came himself, vision damn near going white from the feeling of Sunoo clenching around him so wonderfully, impossibly tight.
"Holy—fucking shit, Sunoo—,"
"Don't, don't move—stay, please, stay," Sunoo slurred out, grasping onto Sunghoon's shoulder with a death grip.
"I've got you, Baby," Sunghoon assured him as Sunoo cried softly, just a little, sniffling and steadying his shaky breathing. Sunghoon kissed the side of his head, trailing his fingertips down Sunoo's back, smoothing down his sweater, before hugging him gently.
Their closeness in that moment only made the distance between them after they separated seem even more drastic—once they'd used the last of the travel-pack of tissues Sunghoon kept in the truck and gotten their clothes back on, sitting at opposite ends of the backseat.
Sunghoon watched, one knee pulled up to rest his forearms on, as Sunoo stared out the window into the dark of the night, fidgeting with his hair. Neither of them seemed to have anything to say, and Sunghoon figured Sunoo accomplished his mission to make him be quiet.
Until Sunoo sighed and reached into his bag, pulling out a rhinestone-modded vape and taking a hit quickly with a trembling hand.
"Thought you were trying to quit that," Sunghoon muttered, unfazed by the exhausted glare Sunoo sent his way from the corner of his eye as he blew out a puff of artificial-fruity-scented smoke.
"I was."
Sunghoon raised a brow, and Sunoo huffed.
"I needed something if I was gonna come to see you."
"Well, I’m so glad to hear that you felt the need to drug yourself just to see me—and you really expect me to believe you'll show up to the wedding with no issue?"
"Fuck you," Sunoo bit out, pointing at Sunghoon with the vape before taking another hit, "as if you have any right to judge me—,"
"I'm not judging you, I'm just trying to gauge how much of a liar I'll be if I tell Jungwon that you're actually gonna show."
"I done told you I'll be there, for God's sake."
"Well, I don't believe you."
"Good for you, then. Don't."
"God, I really fucking hate when you do this kinda shit, you know that—,"
"And I don't fucking care."
Sunoo took another hit, meeting his gaze expectedly, and Sunghoon sucked a harsh breath in through his teeth, pinching at his leg to stop himself from saying something he'd immediately regret. It was too easy, really, for Sunoo to find his last nerve and just absolutely stomp it to death.
"Gonna call me a ‘heartless fuckin' bitch’ again? Go on."
"Shit, Sunoo, I told you I was fucking sorry for that—I was drunk, I didn't mean it, and I’m sorry—,"
"Well, I guess we're both nonbelievers, then, huh?"
Sunghoon's mouth snapped shut, and he closed his eyes as he leaned back, resting up against the door as he counted down from ten in his head. He only looked over when he heard Sunoo shuffling around, grabbing his bag as he threw the door open, climbing out.
Sunghoon shook his head, following the other against his better judgment.
"Where the hell are you going?"
"Home. I did what I told Jungwonie I would do—I showed up, and I listened to what you had to say. So now I'm going home."
"Sunoo, honestly, in this?" Sunghoon sighed, gesturing out around them, "you don't even have a coat—"
"I'll be fine; I walked to get here. It's not that cold."
"Fucking Christ, you’re such a stubborn—just let me give you a damn ride home before you freeze to death!"
Sunoo stopped, his shoulders sagging as he leaned against the hood of the truck, bringing his hands up to his face and rubbing harshly.
"I can't fucking do this, Sunghoon. I can't do this with you anymore."
"Do what, let me keep you from contracting frostbite or pneumonia or something—,"
"You know what. You know. Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about. "
"...I'm just trying to get you home in one piece," Sunghoon leveled carefully, knowing damn well he was toeing a line, a very important one, and it was much too early to cross it.
"And then that's it," Sunoo snapped, his arms crossed tight as he turned back towards Sunghoon, his eyes glistening as he stepped closer. "That's fuckin’ it. I'm serious, Sunghoon, I can't do this. Not anymore. I just can't. I'm too—too tired."
His voice cracked, and a tear or two fell, and Sunghoon felt his heart squeezing in his chest.
"I can't keep goin’ in circles with you, I don't have the time, or the energy—I can't make myself fucking sick over you anymore, I have to—I have to be here, I have to keep myself the fuck together somehow so I can work, and take care of Riki, and pay these atrocious fucking medical bills," Sunoo choked out, holding his chest as his breathing became shorter, quicker. "I have to—it takes everything in me just to fuckin’—wake up in the morning, anymore—,"
"Sunoo, Baby, I don't—are you—,"
"And I can't, waste, any of what's left, of me, on you. Not when. Not when—I know all it'll do is fucking tear me apart in the end!"
"Sunoo, please—just let me, let me help you—if it's that bad, Baby—,"
"I don't want your help!" Sunoo cried out, grabbing at his hair as he fell against the truck, hunched over. "I want—I just want, I want—I want all of this to just. Be. Over."
Sunghoon shifted closer, rubbing Sunoo's shoulder and the back of his neck as he broke down. He cursed under his breath as he felt how cold the other’s skin was, throwing his coat over Sunoo as he pulled him in close, hugging him tight as he sobbed.
"I just want him to be better, I need him better—I can't do all of this anymore, I can't—why can't he just be better, Sunghoon?"
"I'm so sorry, Sunoo, God—I'm so fucking sorry this happened—I still can't believe—,"
"I fucking hate him."
"Sunoo—,"
"I hate him, I hate this—,"
"You don't hate him, Sunoo, God, don't say that. You know that's not true."
Sunoo cried harder, fisting into Sunghoon's shirt as he shook, feeling as if he were going to explode in his arms.
"No, I love him," he whimpered, "I love him, more than, anything, in the world. To the moon and back. More than—my own life."
"He'll…get better, Sunoo, he will. It just takes time, Baby. The doctors all said so—,"
"He can't stand it. He's miserable, Sunghoon. And he hates me."
"That could never be true, not in any possible universe."
Sunoo just whined under his breath as he tried to control his sobbing, and Sunghoon held him tighter, feeling his mind going blank from slight panic.
“He never, wants to let me help him, he never, never wants me around him anymore—,”
“I’m sorry, Sunoo. I don’t…I don’t know what…,” Sunghoon trailed off, no clue what to say—no idea if there was anything he could say that would ease Sunoo’s pain. It didn’t seem possible, so he didn’t say anything, and just held him as he cried.
He didn’t know how long it took, but eventually Sunoo wore himself out, or his tear ducts ran dry, and his breathing grew more even, just the slightest bit shaky as he sniffled. He wiped his face with his sleeve as he pulled away, but didn’t protest when Sunghoon kept a hand on the middle of his back.
“...Let me drive you home. Please,” he said softly, heaving a sigh of relief when Sunoo nodded. He opened the passenger door for the other before getting in himself, immediately turning the heater on after starting the engine; Sunoo was still shivering, despite wrapping himself into Sunghoon’s coat.
They were quiet, aside from Sunoo’s mumbled directions to the apartment complex, the radio not even turned on. It was a far cry from the days of their joy rides around the coastal city, music blasting as they sang along, and Sunoo with his feet out the window, glittery-painted toenails shining in the sun almost as bright as his smile.
Well, all good things came to an end, that was true—if only it didn’t have to happen so fast.
“It’s nicer than your old place,” Sunghoon offered as he pulled into the drive, chancing a glance over at the other boy when he didn’t immediately get out of the truck.
“Yeah. More expensive, too.”
“Sunoo—,”
“Don’t, Sunghoon. Just. Thank you for the ride home,” he said, his voice even. “I’ll be fine, we’ll be fine. I’ll figure something out. I always have.”
“You don’t need to do this alone, Sunoo, you don’t have to, to—take everything on by yourself, all the time—,”
“I’m not alone, I’ve got Junie, and Beomie—Tae, Binnie—,”
“And us, Sunoo.”
“Sunghoon, I told you—,”
“I know, okay, but—listen, just…just because we aren’t…together. That doesn’t mean you…I mean, the others, they’re still, they still care about you guys, and obviously I do too—,”
“We aren’t—I just can’t—,”
“You know they would help you, and Riki—it’s not, it’s not some thing, where they’re all on my side and none of them care about you anymore. It’s not like that, you know that.”
“I do, okay, but—this isn’t, this is. I just can’t ask something like that.”
“People do fundraising for stuff like this all the time, Sunoo, you can accept some help from your friends—,”
“Jungwon and Jay have a wedding to pay for.”
“...You think Jay can’t afford that and probably fifteen other weddings?”
“That’s not the point—,”
“Do they even know how bad it is?”
Sunoo didn’t say anything, and Sunghoon sat back, gaping.
“Sunoo—what—,”
“Don’t, Sunghoon, I swear. Do not tell them—,”
“What, what did you tell them, that you, you just—magically managed to pay for everything? That—that you aren’t killing yourself trying to take care of—,”
“I’m not—I’m—fuck, Sunghoon, just. Don’t bother, okay, don’t waste energy worrying about it. It's none of your concern, I’ll figure it out. And in May, I’ll be there at the wedding. I’ll see you then.”
Sunghoon opened his mouth, but Sunoo got out, leaving Sunghoon’s coat and slamming the truck door behind him. He nearly followed him up the complex’s stairs, but he knew that would probably not be appreciated or end well—so, as much as he wanted to, he didn’t. He waited until Sunoo disappeared inside to pull out of the driveway, cursing everything under the sun as he drove back to the hotel, knowing two things for certain.
Jungwon was not going to be impressed with his persuasive skills, and he had his work cut out for him.
❄
3 years earlier
“Well, hello, Pretzel Guy.”
Sunghoon smiled, the sun peeking out behind the clouds just enough to glint off the sun charm twirled around his fingers, and he breathed deeply.
He could almost taste the cinnamon sugar, already.
“Sunoo—fuck, I can’t—can’t believe—,” he stuttered, his voice catching somewhere in his throat. “It’s…um…it’s nice to…hear your voice.”
“Sunghoonie, I—I don’t—how did you even—,”
“I got your letter.”
“But, I didn’t…Riki! ”
Sunghoon choked out a laugh, as he listened to Sunoo frantically question Riki over the phone, his voice sounding a bit further away, his shrill tone still ringing through the staticky line.
“I can’t believe—Sunghoon, oh, I’m so—I don’t—I’m so sorry—,”
“I know, Sunoo. I get it, I did read the letter.”
“I was so—so fucking scared, Sunghoon, that you were gonna—I don’t know, I don’t even know—,”
“I forgive you, Sunoo. I forgave you a long time ago,” Sunghoon sighed, twisting the chain of the necklace and rubbing the charm, leaning against the door.
“You—you shouldn’t, but—thank you, Sunghoonie.”
Even over the phone, Sunoo’s breathy timbre saying his name sent chills down his spine, a rush of warmth through his abdomen. He licked his lips, debating, never really having imagined that he’d get this far.
“I, uh. I just…want you to know, that…I care about you too, Sunoo. So much—God, you mean so much to me, I don’t think you could even understand—,”
“Trust me, Sunghoon, I—,”
“I wouldn’t—wouldn’t have rejected you. Couldn’t have. I would’ve—God, Sunoo, I would’ve held on to you so fucking tight—,”
“Sunghoon—,”
“And I’m—I’m sorry, if…if you really never wanted to hear from me, again. Because I just don’t think—if you hadn’t sent this, even…if I ever would’ve figured out how to get ahold of you again, I would have. In an instant. Even if it was only for you to tell me to fuck off—,”
“I wouldn’t, Sunghoon. I’m not.”
“Well—oh, well. That’s…that’s good.”
Sunoo’s laugh tinkled through the speaker, and Sunghoon grinned, his body feeling so light for the first time in so long, feeling as if he could start floating.
“So—so, you’ll…you’ll save my number, then?”
“I’ll memorize it, Pretzel Guy.”
Sunghoon smirked, huffing a quick laugh as he looked up at the sound of Jungwon’s Pontiac pulling into the driveway, the younger’s music blaring something dancey and poppy.
“I gotta go, Sunoo—but—uh, I—can I, I mean—,”
“You can call me later, Sunghoonie.”
“Oh, okay, uh—I will, then.”
“I’ll be waiting for you.”
Sunghoon sighed, ignoring Jungwon’s curious look, his head tilting when Sunghoon stepped away from the door, opening it for him and ushering him inside before closing it again.
“I won’t make you wait too long.”
“Hope not. I miss you.”
“Miss you too, Sunoo. So much.”
Sunghoon heard Jungwon let out a surprised shriek from behind the door, and began mentally preparing himself for the interrogation to come once he went back inside.
“Talk to you later, Sunghoonie. Thank you…thank you, for. Calling.”
“Tell Riki I said thanks for your number.”
“His ego doesn’t really need the stroking, but I will, for you.”
“Alright, alright," he chuckled, humming under his breath at the tiny sigh Sunoo let out. "Talk to you later.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
And Sunghoon knew, somehow, deep in his core, that Sunoo truly meant that.