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“You’re beautiful.“
"You’re cheesy,” Levi retorts, but with no weight behind it at all as Erwin suckles kisses into his throat, causing little sighs and hitches in breath that he can’t stop—because, just like his whole view on sex is almost scarily new, kisses there are new, too.
His heart pangs in his ears as Erwin’s mouth drops to one of his nipples and smears his tongue over the bud, all but massaging. Levi gasps, a whine slipping out. Erwin uses his teeth, his tongue, lips—all but worshiping him.
His fingers are tight in Erwin’s golden hair. He’s breathing much faster now—a little unnaturally? Erwin has had a place snugly between Levi’s legs for a while, but the reality of what they’re doing is hitting him only now, and that someone is between his legs. Touching him and taking pleasure from his body, but this is so unnatural. It feels good, and it shouldn’t… shouldn’t…
Erwin is going to take from him and it has to hurt, so when? Soon. Soon. And didn’t Levi swear to himself he wouldn’t let this happen to him again?
He’s—They’re all over him. Dirty, searching, perverted hands and words, pushing him and pushing into him this way and that—
“Stop! Stop!” Levi gasps, his arms shooting over his chest. Unaware that Erwin already stopped, and he’s still on top, mouth moving but Levi can’t hear and he can feel them—doing things to him! He needs to get out to stop it stop stop it
“Stop it stop it get off! Fuck, get off!” His legs clamp shut, but Erwin is no longer there, either. He’s beside him, and trying to touch his shoulder, but he only feels as real as the tingles shooting up and down Levi’s fingers.
He’s unbearably calm. “Levi—”
“Shut up,” he gasps, and clamps his hands over his ears. All their words are so dirty. “Dirty, s'fucking, I just… need a second. I need…”
His knuckles pull at his hair painfully. Every one of his muscles are stiff—that’s the only way he feels safe, but it’s still not enough. Levi bats Erwin’s hand away, and shouts, “Don’t touch me!”
He pulls the blankets over himself, too far away not to hyperventilate, but grounded enough to know he’s acting fucking crazy. It’s just like those old times. He thought he got over that—but now.
He wrenches them up, up to his ears and rolls on his side, away from Erwin. He doesn’t want—he can’t see the look on his face. His lungs just can’t take enough air, and their hands… their hands… Perverted, searching, trying to crawl up inside him. Slimy tongues. Tearing his skin apart.
“Don’t, don’t, don’t…” For every word, Levi gasps. As if Erwin would forget, or any second, he may try again. To push himself between Levi’s legs like he probably wanted to—
Stop! How dare you think he’d do that?
“Levi… my love.” Erwin is whispering now, but not touching. “Breathe.”
“Don’t… look at me,” Levi grits out, painful and strangled. Erwin’s voice is the thing grounding him, but that’s only making it worse. “Fuck off. Go away. Don’t… I said stop…”
Not another word, or even sound besides the gasp-sobs Levi is making comes. He glances over his shoulder, cringes, and pulls himself into as tight of a ball as he can. His knees can almost touch his chin.
He can’t remember this. Can’t go through this again.
Can’t, can’t can’t.
But it’s happening, is it?
Levi shuts his eyes. The blanket is over him so only a tuft of his hair can be seen over the top. Did Erwin finally leave?
Breathe, breathe, breathe…
Levi relies on the trick he’s used whenever he’s bleeding heavily to slow his heartbeat down, tracking it by the thrums and pushing it down as you would drown a bath toy.
That helps, but the contact doesn’t leave. He can’t think about the specifics…
He drags the bulk of the blanket’s padding to his backside and shields his crotch with one hand, his mouth with the other. The dreamlike terror, like a living nightmare.
It’s like he’s been transported and dropped right into that time back then, without hope of escape. He shouldn’t have told Erwin to fuck off… His presence grounded him. Damn it, why did he…? What happened just now?
He doesn’t know—perhaps even more time has elapsed than he thinks—but he feels horrible. He thinks of Erwin tonight. Stupidly charming, dressed in just a dress shirt tucked into his trousers, smiling at him, and once pulling a smile out of Levi himself. Erwin tucked his hair behind his ear, and he lifted Levi up after the wine was finished, kissing so deeply that he could feel Erwin’s warm breath in his throat.
How did their first time go so wrong?
Facing him, a door opens. It’s the bedroom door. He was already tensed, and has been, but he braces himself. Erwin’s voice is muffled beyond the blanket.
“May I come in?”
Erwin never would’ve forced him. Never would’ve forced him into his bed, Levi thought (not that he could), but he was surprised Erwin said nothing vitriolic or even offended before, let alone now that he’s back, and he still can’t bring himself to speak.
He’s probably here to make him get out of his bed.
Levi’s entire being recoils at the idea, and so he tenses every part of his body again, pushing off a resurgence of the episode. No… he was okay now. He just freaked out for no good reason so Erwin thinks he’ll never want to have sex with him or that he somehow pressured him when that isn’t the case at all this just happens sometimes even though it’s been a long time and he thought he was past it—
“Are you sure you don’t want any tea? It’s black; your favorite.” Erwin wanders over after shutting the curtains, and points. Levi missed the part where Erwin set it out for him. “You told me yourself I’m the best at your tea-making. Second to you, of course.”
Levi melts some. If he moves even an inch, he feels like time will start moving again—as if it ever stopped—and then he’ll have to confront Erwin. He doesn’t want to accept the end of this episode because he doesn’t want to accept it ever even happened.
But Erwin crouches down, and looks at him with such softness. Concern, but not pity.
If he moves—
“Erwin…” he trails off quietly. “I’m sorry.”
Erwin shakes his head, and somehow he makes that look gentle too. “I simply asked if you wanted your tea. I could make a different kind, if you like.”
“That’s enough trouble,” Levi mutters, but he still can’t move. He can’t untense every muscle in his body. He doesn’t know how to explain this feeling, that if he relents, he will be attacked. “‘Vin,” he whispers.
Kneeling, Erwin sets his arm on the edge of the mattress. “Levi… can I help?”
“Huh. Yeah.” He says it immediately before his head can start up again. He already decided he had himself together again.
Technically, it’s through the big puffy duvet, but Erwin touches his hand. Then when this elicits no reaction, his thumb brushes along Levi’s high cheekbone.
Levi takes a soft, swift breath, but touch doesn’t startle him nearly as bad as he thought it would. He finds himself heavily leaning into it, until Erwin’s big palm—big enough to frame Levi’s whole face—holds his cheek. Their foreheads press, severely sideways, but Levi doesn’t care. He feels Erwin’s breath fan over his face, the warmth of his soft touch from his hardened hand, and feels so wonderfully afraid—what Erwin has of Levi and what he has of him—that for a moment, he forgets all about what just happened.
There’s just the two of them.
The moment ends gradually. First, Erwin cards a piece of loose hair behind Levi’s ear, and he begins to squirm. He’s stiff and sore from staying locked in the same position for so long, but he shoots up into a sit with the duvet over his shoulders like a shawl in an instant. He feels so vulnerable still, but either way no touch and no phantom sensation, not even any memories return—he’s safe.
Wordlessly, Erwin hands him the teacup, and wordlessly Levi drinks. He didn’t realize how hard he was gritting his teeth until he unlocks his jaw. It tastes wonderful, and warms his stomach. Erwin might’ve even put honey in it.
“It’s not your fault,” Levi says, and haltingly. He feels an obligation to explain, since he so obviously said yes to everything, and then… “You… I liked it. You didn’t do anything wrong. I didn’t know it could be. Like that.”
Levi pauses, and for a long time, stringing together sentences for an explanation. He still doesn’t have it together by the time Erwin gently touches his back, almost swaddling him.
“Regardless of whether it’s my fault or not, I’m worried about you.”
Levi stares down into the smooth drink. “I’m not—broken. I can still have sex with you, if you want.”
If you still want me.
“Levi—” Erwin blinks, stunned. “I’m not concerned about sex. I’m concerned about you.”
“Sex is important,” Levi mutters blandly.
Erwin sits back, and taps Levi’s chin to get his attention. It seems even now he’s being careful with him. “We could stay in the same… relationship we are now, and you could never have sex with me, and I would still do what I am now.”
“Don't—be stupid,” Levi sputters. “That’s…”
“Then I’ll be stupid,” Erwin replies, a certain finality in the words. He’s being earnest.
“Sure. Whatever,” Levi murmurs. What does he do… thank him? He really is touched. His heart feels punctured. That’s the end of the conversation for now.
Levi drinks, and Erwin volunteers to retrieve some of Levi’s clothes from his quarters… if he’d like to stay the night. And if it doesn’t bust Erwin’s balls or anything, then yeah. Go on. What he doesn’t say is that he’d love that.
Levi still sits in the same spot and bent posture when Erwin reappears, and sets some folded nightclothes on the foot of the bed.
Meanwhile, he has been sorting out how to explain why that happened. He can’t pinpoint what something Erwin did exactly—he doesn’t remember those encounters anymore. Levi was the one who undressed and dragged his hands down his body in the face of Erwin’s patience.
A part of him… wanted it to be over as soon as possible, so when Erwin explained to him that no part of it should hurt, and that Levi had as much of a say as he (even though he was the one on top), part of him just… broke.
Levi slowly and quietly begins to explain this without Erwin prompting him to—or him speaking at all.
Concern rests within his blue eyes, but no pity, again. “I want to hold you.”
Levi looks down at his empty teacup, not having realized that he drank it all. “Let me get dressed first.”
Erwin made it abundantly clear that they didn’t have to keep going after his insistence earlier, even though he didn’t say that specifically. It’s a comfort to Levi, who melts in his embrace from behind. It’s easier to talk about it without Erwin looking at him.
“Did the tea taste good?”
Levi chuckles through his nose. “Yeah.”
Then Levi goes on. “You can ask me. I want you to get it, because I’m sick of it, and you always want to have a plan for everything…”
“As long as that first thing is true.”
Levi rolls his eyes. “It’s true.”
Erwin collects his thoughts. “Were you ever… harmed?“
Levi stares ahead for a few moments. "No. I. I whored myself. For medicine. For, for one of my friends. I didn’t want her to die.”
“For her… Isabel?”
Levi’s silence is confirmation. “I literally asked for it. So no. Wasn’t… ‘harmed’.”
“You can still be harmed, even if you ask for something.” Erwin pauses. “…Is it possible you didn’t use your body as payment, but also your pain? To use you.”
Levi has been tense since Erwin asked he he’s ever been harmed, but he suddenly wishes that the room was dark. A deep, deep shame takes root in his bones.
“But I went back more than once.”
“Because you needed the medicine. Since you didn’t procure the funds to pay for it, that, they, must’ve been your one option.”
“Yeah,” Levi whispers. “But I can still have sex.”
“I believe you. If you want to.”
“Does it not bother you…” He is aware this is probably a stupid question, but he has to know. “…I’ve been used. That I’d stoop that low.”
Levi can feel Erwin shaking his head. He kisses Levi’s exposed shoulder. “I wouldn’t feel that way even if you did it for pleasure, and was hurt. Sex is not… using. It’s not low, or dirty.”
“I know that,” Levi shoots back, a little defensively. He knows that, but he just can’t hold himself to that same standard. “I just meant me.”
“No. It doesn’t bother me.”
“Please…” Levi whispers.
He feels himself hunch into a smaller ball, not even knowing what he’s begging for. Erwin has shown him every kindness tonight, when he didn’t have to at all. He thinks of Levi in a way that is so… that he doesn’t understand.
“Levi?”
“Just don’t change your mind,” he rasps. He doesn’t know why he’s crying. He’s happy.
“I won’t, I won’t…” Erwin snuggles him to his chest. “You don’t need to worry about that. Not even for a moment.”