Work Text:
Archery practice. She feels nothing.
Twak!
“Excellent aim, Asahina.” The coach praises. Mafuyu smiles. She feels nothing.
“Thank you coach. I look forward to learning more under your guidance.”
She passes by the murmurs of her juniors. “Asahina-senpai is so kind! She’s always so focused and precise!” They whisper.
She feels none of it.
"Great job today everyone. Your practice and hard work has paid off, you've all improved!" The coach smiles at them all, beaming with pride. "Can I have some volunteers to help put away the equipment?"
Mafuyu instantly raises her hand. It's what her mother would expect from her.
"Asahina, Hinomori and Masuda." The coach selects a few girls and smiles at them. "Thank you for choosing to help."
"It's my pleasure." Mafuyu smiles back, she tries her best to feel good about it. She's helping, she should feel good about it.
"Yes! There is nothing more rewarding than cleaning up after a hard day of practice!" Shizuku smiles beside her. She was free enough from her idol duties to attend archery club today, how rare. Mafuyu has tuned in for some of their streams before. They're good as background noise for doing schoolwork.
Everything around her, it's all just noise.
It's annoying.
Mafuyu doesn't even realize she's in the storage closet until her junior accidentally bumps into her while putting away arrows. "Careful now, Masuda-san."
"I'm sorry, Asahina-senpai!"
Chiyo Masuda was in the year under both Shizuku and Mafuyu. She was known to be extremely anxious, especially in the face of her seniors.
"Don't worry, it was just an accident."
"No. I really am sorry Asahina– oh!" Chiyo had bumped into a storage box, knocking over the bows she was trying to put away and a shelf.
Mafuyu, ever the unlucky, was the person the shelf's contents had decided to fall on.
Mafuyu winces as she feels a sharp tug of pain in her scalp. She finds the end of her ponytail tangled into a mess of loose bow strings, one string still having an end attached to a bow.
“Oh no! Asahina-senpai, I’m so sorry!” Her junior exclaims as she tries to help Mafuyu to her feet and untangle her hair.
Mafuyu blinks, still dazed from the fall. She forgets to respond, her mouth just hanging open in surprise.
Shizuku extends out her hand and also helps her get up. "Asahina-san, your hair…"
Mafuyu stays silently panicking, hands in her hair to try and untangle the mess of strings and strands. She might've made it worse.
"Here Asahina-san, let me try." Shizuku helps her sit down on an old storage container, trying to untangle Mafuyu's hair herself. Chiyo looks like she might burst into tears.
“Oh dear.” Shizuku’s gentle hands give one final tug and give up. “I don’t think we can untangle this.”
The last time Mafuyu heard those words was in kindergarten, when a boy had tried to braid her hair during break and the elastic got stuck into a clump. The last time she heard those words, was when her hair needed to be cut.
“Are we sure? How about we go get the coach and see if she can do anything?” Mafuyu’s voice starts to shake. The last time her hair got tangled she was reprimanded by her mother. In all honesty, it was her fault that she let the boy touch her hair.
How would she react this time? Surely, it wasn't Mafuyu's fault that she fell, right?
"Yes, good idea." Shizuku helps Mafuyu up, instructing Chiyo to hold the bow still attached to Mafuyu's hair. She was crying at this point, insisting that she was sorry with each sob. How annoying.
"Really, it's alright Masuda." Mafuyu struggled to smile, struggled to keep up her facade. Between her mother's wrath and Chiyo's crying, her patience was spreading thin. "I needed a haircut."
“But…” Chiyo starts again.
“Let’s just drop it alright?” Mafuyu cuts her off. Crap, she didn’t mean for it to be harsh. She melts her voice into something sweeter. “No one is hurt, so let’s not cry about it, yes? It’s only hair after all.”
Chiyo sniffles but shuts up. Finally.
The coach took one look at Mafuyu’s hair and pulled out the scissors. “Ah, I've been waiting for the day.”
“This isn’t the first time this happened?” Shizuku asks.
“No, and I’m afraid it’s far from the last.” The coach grabs a spare tarp lying around, Mafuyu panics at the sight.
“Are we sure there’s nothing we could do?” Her mother was going to hate this. How could she ever explain herself?
“I’m sorry Asahina, trying to untangle it will just make it more tangled. Believe me,” The coach ruffled her own short haircut. “I know.”
Mafuyu gives a small laugh, because that was what she’s supposed to do. She always needs to do what others expect of her.
Especially if it’s what her mother expects of her.
…
Mafuyu is staring blankly at the mirror in her hand.
She’s been sent to her room. Her mother was enraged when Mafuyu returned home with her hair cropped short. If she was being honest, Mafuyu wasn’t a big fan of the way her hair was cut either. It was too choppy, ending at her chin. It just didn’t suit her.
But for some reason, she hadn’t been able to stop staring at her reflection. She no longer feels empty and apathetic to her reflection. She comes to the realization that the light fluttering in her chest must be happiness, or at least some form of it. She felt it when Kanade proclaimed she would save her, when she saw those blooming cherry blossoms, when Kanade took care of her when she was sick, when she finishes lyrics she feels nice about.
This must be happy.
“Mafuyu.” Her mother knocks only once then opens the door. She must be done grilling the school staff about her haircut. “How could you make such a careless mistake?”
“...I’m sorry.” Mafuyu stashes the mirror under her pillow, she wasn't supposed to like it. The whole situation is her fault, it always is. If she hadn’t lost her balance… if she hadn’t volunteered… if she hadn’t tried to untangle it right away…
“Just look at your hair! Mafuyu, what are we going to do? We have that charity auction soon and your father has a dinner party invitation needing to be RSVPed. We can’t just not have you attend, people are expecting you and your accomplishments!”
Are they expecting her or the accomplishments?
“I– I’m sorry.” Mafuyu mumbles. What else is there to say?
Her mother sighs. Disappointed and frustrated, Mafuyu has not heard that sigh directed at her for the longest time. “I have a committee meeting tonight. Just… leave it alone. It’ll grow back.” She nods. It will. And then everything will go back to the way it was.
Mafuyu’s heart pangs. Why doesn’t she like the thought of that?
“Your father will be home in an hour or two…” Mafuyu’s mother sighs and shakes her head. “I can’t deal with you both tonight. Make sure dinner is ready by the time he returns.”
“I will.”
Her mother lingers on her door, face still very displeased as she scans over her daughters’ hair again. “I expect better from you, Mafuyu.”
“I know.”
“Don’t let this happen again.”
“It won’t.”
Her mother closes the bedroom door with a slam.
Mafuyu flinches, and the floor falls away beneath her.
Here it was, the closing of her throat, desperate scratching she does to her scalp because stop it, stop it, stop it. It’s not a big deal. It’s never a big deal just suck it down and swallow it before anyone sees you break down.
What have you done, what have you done? You were supposed to be perfect. Her mind tells her. You’re supposed to be flawless and you go ahead and let your archery coach do this to your hair? Mafuyu bites her school cadigan to muffle her breathing as she stumbles and reaches for her phone. Mom deserves to be ashamed, how can she call a person such as you her daughter?
Her tears blur her vision as she presses play on that one song that she always escapes through. She doesn't have the strength to check if she's in her Sekai or not, Mafuyu just lays there and cries.
…
She does go back once, to set dinner for her father, but Mafuyu took to wandering the Sekai after leaving a note saying she's studying outside her door.
Her father wouldn't bother her, they hardly spoke to each other and if they did, it was usually him agreeing to whatever her mother said or adding onto it like a mindless robot.
She also goes back to the mirror. Currently, she's sitting with her back against one of the triangles sticking out from the floor, too tired to do anything else. The mirror lays limp in her hands. Sparing her from seeing her pale face and red rimmed eyes. Mafuyu rarely cried, even as a child. She doesn't understand where she got all those tears from, how her sobs grew to be that loud.
No virtual singers were around to comfort her, if it weren't for footsteps approaching, Mafuyu would have thought she was alone.
"Hey, hey! It's Yuki!" Mizuki greets, their footwork faltering when they notice Mafuyu's short hair. "Your hair looks… cut?"
Mafuyu just looks at them tiredly. "It's bad."
They tilt their head from side to side, trying to figure out a flattering angle. "I didn't want to hurt your feelings, but yeah, it's really bad."
What's there to hurt? Mafuyu was far from figuring her feelings out.
"I feel strange." Mafuyu mutters. Mizuki quirks their eyebrows and nudges her to continue. "I used to feel ugly every time I looked into the mirror."
"Yuki! Don't say that! You're beautiful just as you are!"
"Ah." Mafuyu knocks her head to figure out a different word. "Then… I never used to care about my reflection that much. But after my hair got cut, I haven't been able to figure out why I feel so good whenever I look."
“You… feel like you look good in the mirror?” Mizuki tentatively asks. “With that haircut?”
“Yes… with this haircut.”
Mizuki is quiet in contemplation, also leaning on the triangle to support their weight. It was strange to see them so silent. Mafuyu presses a hand to her chest. It wasn’t beating as fast or painfully as before. She should be getting back to the house; her mom would be home soon too.
"Do you feel like.. you belong a bit more?" Mizuki speaks up again. Hopeful? That sounded hopeful. Their voice had the same note as Kanade's always does when Mafuyu smiles genuinely at something.
Did Mafuyu feel like she belonged a bit more? Tricky question. She never quite questioned if she belonged or not anywhere. "Maybe."
"…Okay." Mizuki says.
"Okay."
…
Her father knocks on her door several times before asking to come in. Mafuyu looks up from her math assignment after she gives him the go ahead.
“Your mother gave me a call, said something about an accident..? Oh.” He quiets, just like everyone did when they saw her hair. "Well, that's certainly a haircut."
"I didn't do it on purpose, I swear."
"I'd never think anything of the sort." There's an awkward pause where they both struggle with what to say. It's rare, moments when it's just them two
Her father clears his throat. "Do you uh– want me to drive you to a barbershop?"
"Mom says I should just leave it alone."
"Right." Her father nods. "Whatever your mother says."
He leaves the door open when he leaves, Mafuyu closes it.
-
"You went to school looking like that? Really?" Ena circles Mafuyu once again, looking at the haircut from all angles.
It was the weekend, it's not 25:00 but they’re all in the Sekai because Kanade had a new demo for them to listen to, it was quickly disregarded once she and Ena saw Mafuyu's hair.
“My mother kept me home.” Mafuyu pauses. "Is it really that bad?"
"Yes." Mizuki and Ena chime at the same time. They both share a glance.
"I can fix it." Mizuki offers. "I have steady hands from making clothes and I love looking at hairstyles online. Please let me fix it."
Mafuyu thinks for a moment. Her mother told her not to touch it so it could grow back, but at the same time, the hairstyle Mafuyu has now will certainly ruin her reputation even more.
"Fine."
"Really?!" Mizuki shoots up, instantly going for their phone. "I'll get the supplies right away!"
“You’re letting them touch your hair?” Ena gasps in abstract horror. “You’re really just going to let them do that? Yuki!”
Ena continues to be angrily worried as Kanade tries to calm her down. Mafuyu stood off to the side, should she be worried? Mizuki wouldn’t mess her hair up on purpose, would they? Ah, it didn’t matter. Her mother was going to be upset either way.
Mizuki returns with a hair cutting apron, a fold-out stool and a case of professional looking hairdressing equipment. “Come here, Yuki! I promise I’ll make you look like a total heart throb!”
“Don’t bring your obsession with that one anime into this…” Ena rolls her eyes and hands Mafuyu her phone. “At least let her look through some hairstyles first.”
Ena’s phone is opened to some web page displaying shorter hairstyles. Mafuyu mindlessly scrolls through them, she doesn’t care what she looked like, as long as people don’t say that it looked terrible will be enough. That is until… She got into the men’s section.
“This one.” Mafuyu points to a fluffier hairstyle that could potentially work with her hair.
“That’s a boy’s hairstyle.” Ena looks at the picture, then to Mafuyu. “Mmmn, it could work. What do you think, Amia? K?”
“It would look good on you.” Kanade observes and Mizuki enthusiastically nods.
“Here, sit here.” They sat Mafuyu down in the stool and flung the apron around her shoulders with a flourish. “We can listen to K’s new demo while I cut.”
Kanade perks up and pulls out her phone, kneeling near Mafuyu so she can hear better. It’s the same as always, she can register that it’s a good song but she feels nothing. All she feels is the tenseness in her chest when she sees Kanade’s expression.
“I’m sorry.” She’s not even sure why she’s sorry. Mafuyu just feels like she should be. Ena huffs, clearly annoyed. Mafuyu isn’t sure what she did.
“No, it’s alright.” Kanade displays a small smile. Mizuki cuts a strand near Mafuyu’s ear. “I liked the demo, K! You did a great job!”
“I liked the demo too. The melody is inspiring me already.” Ena nods. Her gaze is still on Mizuki and Mafuyu. “You’re not doing half-bad, Amia.”
“A compliment? From Enanan? Is the world ending?” They joke as they brush off the clumps of hair on the apron. They reach into the front pocket and pull out a compact.
“You..! You’re impossible, you know that?!”
Kanade appears behind her in the mirror. “Yuki, what do you think?”
What does she think? Mafuyu can’t stop looking at her reflection. Suddenly it clicks, the warmth in her chest, the smile that wants to tug at the corner of her mouth, this feeling… She knows it. She felt it long ago. It's not quite happy, but it's not, not happy at the same time.
“I love it.” She blurted.
The other members of Nightcord freeze. Warranted, they never heard Mafuyu use the word ‘love’ for anything.
“Do you really?” Mizuki crouches down to look Mafuyu in the eyes. They have that same expression from when Mafuyu told them she felt strange when looking into the mirror. “Mafuyu, do you really?”
She nods and the others all are shocked into silence.
Kanade runs a hand through her hair, brushing off strands on her shoulders. "If you love it, then I’m glad. I love it too."
Mafuyu blinks at her. She knows they've been balancing on the edge of something. She just doesn't know what, but it makes Mafuyu feel warm and melty, like the way her haircut makes her feel. She doesn't understand it and she doesn't know who to ask. "…Thank you."
Kanade sighs and the corners of her lip turn upward into a half smile. Her expression looks a bit pained, concealed only by the softness in her eyes.
At that moment, Mafuyu doesn't feel her mother breathing down her neck, she doesn't worry about what her parents might think. Kanade smiled, and that was enough for her.
“You okay?” She asks.
“Yeah.” Somewhere deep inside, Mafuyu knows that Kanade can’t save her, that she needs to save herself. But Mafuyu keeps hoping, keeps deluding herself to believe that maybe the power of Kanade’s songs will really reach out and save her from the numbing void. “I’m great.”
Kanade nods. “Okay.”
“Okay.”
…
“Mafuyu, is your hair different?” Her father asks at dinner.
Crap. Mafuyu completely forgot that her mother would be displeased. She was busy spending the whole day studying and running her hand through her new hair to remember. Her parents were busy with a charity auction all day. “Yes, my friend wanted to touch it up because they said my previous hairstyle didn’t suit my head shape.”
"It looks nicer."
"Does it...?" Her mother squinted as she studied her. "Who's this friend of yours? They shouldn't just give you unplanned haircuts like that."
"I'm sorry." Mafuyu rushed to apologize, trying to pick out a safe lie. "I agreed because I wasn't liking my haircut either."
"You could have just waited for it to grow out, Mafuyu. Now it's shorter than before." Her voice was raising, this wasn't good. Mafuyu tried her hardest to keep her hands from trembling.
"Ah, what's done is done dear." Her father speaks up to save the conversation. "Who knows? Maybe she inherited your fast growing hair."
"Or she inherited your slow growing hair."
"Then, let's hope for the sake of my hair that it grows back fast." Mafuyu smiles. She hoped to the high heavens that her hair would be like her father's. Maybe even slower.
She wanted to keep this haircut forever.
Mafuyu will dissolve into tears as soon as the door to her room closes.
-
"Asahina-senpai! I like your haircut!" Says Saki Tenma. Mafuyu knows that Kanade has recently moved into a room in her household. Saki's family treats Kanade as one of their own and looks out for her well-being.
Good. Kanade deserves it for all her hard work. Mafuyu is just sorry she isn't a better person for her to save.
Saki’s arm is around Mafuyu’s, on their way to the mall. Kanade had asked her younger sister to pick out some clothes Mafuyu might like, “In an effort to see what calls out to you.” She excused, but Mafuyu didn’t believe her. It seemed like all three of the other Nightcord members knew something Mafuyu didn’t. It bugged her a little.
“Thank you, Saki-san.” Saki is fine. She’s loud and lively like her older brother, but not as loud or obnoxious. She’s nice to be around. Mafuyu told that to Kanade once, she just smiled and said: “It sounds like you like her.”
Maybe Mafuyu does. Saki plays a huge part in bringing out the best in Kanade. Mafuyu doesn’t feel the need to hide around her, not anymore. Her bright personality is almost infectious, like Emu’s. Maybe it was infectious to other people. Mafuyu wouldn’t know.
Saki smiles and chatters at every intersection, all the way to the mall. Mafuyu had the urge to smile.
…
Kanade is standing outside the arcade when they arrive, a bag of stuffed toys at her feet.
“Onee-san!” Saki waves, letting go of Mafuyu so she can hug Kanade.
“Were you waiting long?”
Kanade immediately returns the hug. Mafuyu has never seen her return a touch so comfortably. “Oh… no I wasn’t. Aoya- Toya was keeping me company.”
Saki looks past Kanade to see a boy with split hair talking to Ena’s younger brother. “Is that Akito? What a coincidence! Toya must be happy he ran into him. Not before he got to the claw machines though, huh?”
Saki crouches down to look through the selection. “Asahina-senpai! You can come take some stuffed animals you like! I’m sure Toya wouldn’t mind.”
“Are you sure?” Would her mother be mad at her? Stuffed animals were considered childish, weren't they? Mafuyu peeks up at Kanade, she seems to be studying her closely. If my mother never finds out, then I won’t get in trouble. Mafuyu reasoned. If push came to shove, she could hide the plush behind her heavy medical textbooks.
She picks out a pair of black and white stuffed bunnies, they looked like the ones she had when she was younger. The ones her mother had long thrown out.
Her chest ached. She knows she was upset when her mother got rid of them, her mother just scolded her and said that she was too old for stuffed animals, and that another little girl would be happy to get them. Mafuyu was seven.
“Can I have these?”
“Awww. How cute! Of course you can have them.” Saki claps. “But we aren’t here to pick out plushies! Onee-san tells me you wanted to try out more masculine styles?”
Kanade said that? Mafuyu’s style of dress was already neutral, she only had two or three items of clothing that could be classified as feminine looking. Was this related to her haircut the other day?
“…Yes. That’s right.”
Saki claps her hand, springing up from the ground. “Oh goody! My brothers are so busy all the time, so I never have a chance to pick out outfits for them!”
Mafuyu slowly rises too, bringing the two stuffed rabbits with her. She turns to Kanade, clearly wanting to ask questions she couldn’t muster. Would a new outfit or two really be that bad? As long as her mother doesn’t notice, she’ll be fine.
Alright. She thinks as she sneaks a quick look at Kanade, Saki leads her to a clothing store, specializing in more formal-ish wear. I’ll humor you.
Saki hums her way into the store, immediately starting to browse. Kanade and Mafuyu lingered near the front. “I wasn’t aware that Saki-san is already starting to call you ‘Onee-san.’ I thought it might take a few weeks at least.”
“I was surprised too, I don’t mind of course. She said it was because she always wanted a sister, so she’s going to make sure the two of us get super close like Tsukasa and Toya are, so one day, she’ll get to call me Onee-chan instead.”
“... Is that it?”
Kanade hums. “Do you ever wish you had siblings, Mafuyu?”
“Me?” Mafuyu thinks for a minute. Did she? Mafuyu doesn’t remember. She was always doted on and supervised by her mother, all her playdates, her mother arranged, all the friends she made, her mother picked out for her. Mafuyu clenched her fists. She really doesn’t know freedom, does she? Her whole life was cherry-picked by her mother, until Nightcord, not one decision she made was entirely her own.
“I don’t think I ever wanted siblings when I was younger.” She looked at her palms, marked with red crescents from here her nails had been. “I wonder how things would’ve turned out if I did have one.”
Would her mother be hard on the both of them? Or would Mafuyu be held to the same standards, the same expectations as she is now? Would the same be expected from this hypothetical sibling?
Kanade doesn’t respond. She gently takes one of Mafuyu’s hands and leads her into the store where Saki was waving them over. She displays a dark gray pullover. “What do you think of this, Asahina-senpai?”
Mauyu doesn’t care for it. The coat looks like something her father would wear. “It looks good.”
Saki murmurs to herself then turns back to the rack. “Did Onee-san tell you that she’s stopping her online classes?”
That surprised her. Kanade was always the hard working type. The whole reason she signed up for online courses was because she didn’t want to stop making music. “Is she? Kanade never told me.”
Saki giggled. “Well… she’s a bit embarrassed by it. It took me, my parents and brothers to convince her to set a healthier schedule for herself. She decided on transferring to Kamiyama, what a bummer. But I’m so glad she’s going back to school in person!”
Kamiyama… The standard highschool. Of course. Kanade didn’t need the endless exams and hours studying to interfere with her composing. Briefly, Mafuyu wondered what it would be like to be classmates with Kanade. “I’m… also glad.”
“It is a shame she isn’t going to Miyamasuzaka though, huh? I would’ve loved to brag about my older sister in second year!” Saki hands an oversized navy button up and white turtleneck for Mafuyu to hold. “These should go well with your pants, do you want to try them on?”
Mafuyu nods and Saki leads her to the changing rooms. Kanade meets them there, Mafuyu hadn’t even noticed that she snuck away during her and Saki’s conversation. “Here.” She says, handing Mafuyu a black article of clothing. It looked like a tank top cropped short, with hooks and eyes on the side. “Mizuki says you should try this, see what you think.”
Mafuyu feels the material with her hands. It’s soft but stiff in the chest area. Never in her life has she seen anything like it.
“It’s called a binder.” Kanade continues. “You wear it under your clothes.”
Mafuyu nods, she doesn’t understand why Mizuki thinks this will help her, but she decides to put a little faith in her circle member. “Can you help me?” She asks Saki. She probably knows more on how to style the clothes she picked than Mafuyu herself.
Saki lets surprise flicker across her face before agreeing. She helps Mafuyu into the binder and turtleneck, instructing her to tuck both the turtleneck and button up into her pants, adjusting Mafuyu’s necklace and unbuttoning the top three buttons before beaming in satisfaction.
Saki pats her shoulders and places her hands firm; pushing Mafuyu towards the mirror. “What do you think, Asahina-senpai?”
Mafuyu doesn't gasp, but makes a strangled noise alluding to such. In the mirror, what stares back isn't the Mafuyu who pretends to smile and laugh everyday, it’s not the perfect daughter of the Asahina’s. It’s a boy who’s looking back at her. With the same expression of shock and wonder. Mafuyu can’t believe it. If she puts her hand to her chest, It would feel, at least partly, flat.
She could clap, she could jump, she could scream. She loves it. The reflection in the mirror is everything her mother would disallow but it’s everything Mafuyu finds she’s fond of.
It’s the same style of business-casual, semi-formal clothes her mother restricted her to. Mafuyu could probably style something similar in her closet at home, but it feels so much more. More… Mafuyu.
“Can I— Can I..?” Her voice comes out broken and scratchy, she can’t find it in her to pretend it isn’t in front of Saki. She feels so happy, for once, she cares how she looks. And she likes it. She registers that her hand is trembling, her whole body is buzzing, as she touches her new reflection. “Can I wear this out of the store?”
“Of course you can.” Saki rests her chin on Mafuyu’s shoulder and grins. Mafuyu can see Kanade in the side of the mirror. She looks back at Mafuyu, pride in her eyes.
For once, Mafuyu smiles with her own volition.
…
Mafuyu remembers being here.
She frequently takes this path to return home after cram school. One day, in her first year of high school, cram school was canceled. She stayed here, on the bridge, looking down onto the racing cars below.
She contemplated jumping that day.
No note. No nothing. She had no one to say anything meaningful to.
Mafuyu looks over the bridge again, a whole year older.
Even with the– what’s it called, a binder? A binder constricting her chest, she feels lighter. Almost weightless. If she did climb the railing and jump off, Mafuyu was sure that this time she would float rather than sink.
How peculiar.
…
“Mom?” Mafuyu displays her sweetest smile as her mother looks up from her dinner. “I was thinking earlier, maybe we should stop buying me skirts as casual wear.”
Her mother looks surprised. “Oh? Why would you think that Mafuyu, dear?”
“Skirts…” Make me feel disgusting. “Are very inconvenient to move quickly in. And I don’t want to be restricted when there might be someone in need. Most doctors wear pants anyway, so I also thought I should get used to them.”
Her mother studied her for a minute and smiled. “I’m very glad you are thinking about your future Mafuyu. I agree, skirts are very inconvenient sometimes. I’ll try not to buy them when we go out, alright?”
“Yes.” Mafuyu sighed in relief. “Thank you.”
She lowers her head, ignoring how her father is looking at her.
-
Mafuyu blinks her eyes. She’s in the Sekai. Mizuki called her and told her to come.
“Mafuyu.” Miku greets. She’s sitting on a triangle, fingers twisted around red thread. Playing Cat’s Cradle again. “You look different.”
“I do.”
Mafuyu had taken to dressing more like a 'boy' these few days. She tried to be inconspicuous enough so her mother won't notice anything different. So far, she hasn't.
Mafuyu feels like she's dreaming. She still feels numb and blank, as always but it's lighter, easier. She doesn't understand but for the first time in a while, she doesn't feel the need to. She feels… good. It's so nice to feel good about herself for once.
(There was one day where she did not feel as good as the other days. That day she hid behind a triangle sticking out of the ground, trying to desperately breathe, as the other virtual singers tried to give her space. It’s alright though, that day has passed.)
"Mizuki said that they're waiting for you in that direction." Miku points then goes back to the strings.
Mafuyu makes her way towards Mizuki, practically floating as she did. Her face is more relaxed nowadays.
“Yuki!” Mizuki waves. They’re sitting on the ground near a huge triangle, though, unlike all the other triangles sticking out from the gray, this one was a mirror and stretched as tall as Mafuyu herself. She touched the cold surface, feeling the mirror grow warmer under it.
“I found it today.” Mizuki tapped the surface. “Isn’t it cool? I didn’t know your Sekai could change like this!”
Mafuyu shrugs. “It’s just a mirror.”
“Yeah, but.. This whole world was made from your feelings so there must be a reason it’s here, right?” Mizuki smiled, then their expression turned oddly serious. “Mafuyu, do you think you have something to tell us?”
Did she? Mafuyu didn’t know, she just liked how she looked. Maybe she was turning vain? Or was Mizuki simply checking up on him?
Mafuyu pauses, weighing his options. "…All my life, I've been told that I looked like my mother. That I was basically a reincarnation of her." He starts.
Mafuyu sighed and continued. "I think that started a disconnect between my body and mind. Up until now, I never cared for how I looked because I knew no matter how hard I tried, I'd just look like my mother."
"And now?"
"And now… I look more like my father. Or maybe… I look more like a mix of the two of them, so really, I look more like myself?"
“Do you want to look like your dad, Yuki?” Mizuki was standing shoulder to shoulder with Mafuyu in the mirror. They’re taller than Mafuyu is, but the heels they were wearing made the height difference bigger. "Do you think you're a boy?"
Yes. Mafuyu’s stomach dropped. Yes, she did.
Oooh, her mother was not going to be happy about this.
“What happens if I do? What will I do?” Mafuyu’s face has considerably paled in the mirror. Strangely, Mizuki’s smile has returned to their face as they shrug.
“Nothing.” They softly say. “You do nothing. No matter how hard you fight it, it’ll come back to haunt you. Maybe, if you let it happen, then you'll be happier too.”
Mafuyu knows that tone, what’s it called… sympathy? Is Mizuki sympathetic towards her? Or are they…
Mafuyu knows she’s staring, but she can’t help it. The things Mizuki is hiding from the group, the things they can’t tell Ena and Kanade and her. Was it because..?
“Then… how do I become a boy?”
“You’re sure you want to become a boy?”
“...I think so.”
Mizuki smiles, fully and shamelessly content. “Then you already are.”
Confused, Mafuyu asks. “...I am?”
“Yes, Mafuyu.” Mizuki lays a happy hand on Mafuyu’s shoulder. “You are a boy.”
Mafuyu, who used to be the embodiment of everything his mother wanted, took a choked breath. Somehow, it’s more relieving than any air he ran through his lungs before it. Visablely, he deflates, the tenseness that was always in his shoulders release, and he’s left feeling loosened and carefree.
“You feel better? Fuller?”
“I think I do.” Mafuyu’s eyes twinkled in the mirror. “My god, I think I do.”
Mizuki shuffles beside Mafuyu, letting him smile softly at his reflection a bit more. “You still have such a long way to go, I just hope people are friendlier towards you.”
“Friendlier?” Mafuyu echos.
“Because of your sterling reputation, I think people would be kinder to you. People aren’t usually like that.”
They aren’t?
“You were a girl, who became a boy.” Continues Mizuki. “People are more okay with that.”
“They’re not okay with it when it’s the other way around?”
“No, it’s different when it’s a boy wanting to become more feminine.” Mizuki sighed. “Way different.”
“Is it?” Mafuyu looks at himself in the mirror again. He feels more welcoming. He feels more whole. “But it’s the same thing. Why does it need to be different?”
“I don’t know.” Mizuki stands beside him, putting a hand on their own reflection. “I just don’t know.”
Mafuyu studies Mizuki’s expression. It’s downcast, troubled. Mizuki seems like they aren’t here at all, and is instead lost in their head. Lost in unpleasant memories. “Mizuki.” Mafuyu starts carefully. “Do you think you have something to tell me?” He says, harking back to Mizuki's own words from earlier.
They stare in shock at him.
“Pfft.” A laugh escapes from Mizuki’s mouth. Before long, they’re full on laughing. Mafuyu’s eyes are wide and joyful. It’s crazy that he’s not laughing along with them, but then he looks into the mirror where his face is displaying a scrunched up smirk and something in him breaks, like a dam. He starts to laugh too.
Mizuki’s stops, heaving, to look at Mafuyu who’s losing it too. They start another round of laughter, this time more hysterical and unrestrained.
“Well?” They ask after a few more minutes of laughter. Mafuyu’s sides hurt. It feels good to laugh. "Do you think this feels right?"
Mafuyu studied himself a while longer. His face still was a bit feminine looking, he could still see his mother in there. But… in the weirdest, most twisted way, he could see a glimpse of himself too. He’s smiling. No, he’s grinning. Full and unapologetic.
"Yes, I think so." He answered truthfully. He reveled in the feeling of knowing. "At least for now… it feels right."
Mizuki relaxes beside him, they’re beaming too as they adjust their bow. "Good. That's all it needs to be."
Mizuki hadn’t answered Mafuyu’s question, but they were clearly feeling better. Mizuki might tell Mafuyu one day; they might not. Mafuyu just hopes that they’ll both be able to laugh like this again.
-
Three knocks on the door; it’s his father.
“Come in.” Mafuyu calls. His mother has been avoiding being seen with him lately, giving excuses like neighborhood committee stuff and charity auctions and whatnot. Mafuyu knows the truth though. He knows she’s ashamed of her daughter who looks like a boy. He hasn't told his parents about his discovery the other day. He can’t find it in him to care.
His father has been home more to make up for her absence, and to be honest, he’s a welcome change. While Mafuyu’s mother is a suffocating fog, his father is like a shy sun coming out to shine on the dewdrops after it rained.
“Your mother wanted a boy.” He says as he enters.
Mafuyu turns his attention to him, standing in the doorway to his room. “Pardon me?”
“Your mother wanted a boy when she was pregnant with you.” His father continues, shutting the door when he comes in. “When we found out you were a girl, your mother was a bit frustrated. She had already picked out names for a boy and bought a few items for your nursery in blue. When you were actually born, she smiled and said that she still loved you, but I could tell that she still wanted a son.”
“Sometimes, I feel as if I have no say in this household or in my marriage. I always thought that I failed your mother somehow, even though it was out of my control. I think… she’s definitely harder on you because you are-” His dad coughed. Mafuyu stared at his father. “Were, a girl.”
Mafuyu takes a measured breath. Despite his father being home, they still didn't talk a whole lot. Mafuyu was still kept relatively busy with archery, homework and cram school. This was new territory for them both. “Dad, what are you trying to say?”
Mafuyu’s father fidgets for a bit but sighs. “I like the changes you’re making to yourself. And I promise to love you no matter what. When I say you are my pride and joy, it's not because of any of your achievements, it's because you are my child and I love you for it. I’m sorry I wasn’t a better father."
“You weren’t much of a father at all.” Mafuyu tenses when his father lowers his head in shame, fully expecting a harsh reprimand.
“I know.” He says instead. “I want to be better. I’m going to try to be better.” It’s said like a promise.
His father turns to leave, Mayfuyu calls for him to stop. "…Son." He corrects. "I'm your son."
Mayfuyu's father smiles softly, at this angle he can see the similarities between them. "You're my son.” He confirms. “I want to get to know you, maybe over this weekend? You can skip cram school, I won’t tell your mother.”
Mafuyu leaps at the opportunity. His father loves him for who he is, his father isn’t disappointed like Mafuyu thought he would be. He loves Mafuyu because he’s his child, not because of the endless awards and trophies lining the living room shelves.
Maybe that is what Mafuyu needed all along. A parent, who's just willing to listen and guide.
“Can we go to Phoenix Wonderland? I have a classmate who performs there.”
“Of course.” His father responds, looking relieved that Mafuyu accepted the invitation. “All you had to do was ask, son.”
He leaves the door open when he leaves, but Mafuyu doesn’t mind. It’s just the two of them at home.
…
“Yuki.”
Two am. Mafuyu opens his eyes at the sound of Kanade's voice. It sounded dryer and was quieter than usual.
There was no Nightcord today. Mizuki reported that they were feeling exhausted after hanging out and testing inventions all day with an old friend and Ena was busy with a family matter. Mafuyu had trouble breathing again earlier, so she came to the Sekai to calm down.
"…K."
Kanade laying in the middle of his Sekai was no uncommon practice, Miku said that if you were quiet enough, you could hear Mafuyu's feelings buzzing throughout. Mafuyu would often find Kanade like that, sleeping. He used to feel bad for her on those days, he knew that there was barely a buzz there.
Unexpectedly, their roles were reversed today.
"I've never seen that jacket on you before." His eyes flick to a gray zip up she had on over a plain white t-shirt and pajama shorts. The jacket was clearly too big for her, she was almost drowning in it.
Kanade looked like she was drowning in general. Her face was blotchy and eyes were red, as if she had been crying.
"My younger brother lent it to me." Kanade slid it off as she laid next to him. "Do you mind?"
Mafuyu shook his head so Kanade settled into his open right side. Interacting with the Tenmas has certainly made her more prone to touch, not that he's complaining. Kanade was warm. She made him feel warm on the inside too.
"I went to visit my mother today." Kanade confesses in the quiet. "That's why I wasn't on Nightcord tonight."
Mafuyu takes a strand of her hair and twirls it around his finger. Maybe him a couple of months ago would've bluntly told her that he didn't care, but now, he finds that he really does care. He cares for Kanade at the very least. With Kanade, he feels something. The ground is buzzing with warmth below them, Kanade looks like she’s seconds away from falling asleep.
"Okay." He says.
"Okay." She echoes.
-
Mafuyu is surprised to see both Kanade and his father talking just outside the school’s gates.
His father, still dressed in his business suit, looks more relaxed than Mafuyu’s ever seen him. And Kanade looks the same as usual, with a fabric tote bag in her hands.
Right, she was visiting her father today. And Mafuyu has an internship at the local hospital, is that why she’s here?
“Mafuyu!” His father waved him over. He’s smiling so wide, it makes Mafuyu want to smile too. His father bumps Mafuyu’s shoulder with his own and laughs. “You never told me you had a girlfriend, son!”
Kanade looks like she wanted to melt into the pavement.
“Dad… what are you doing here?”
“Your mother told me to check up on you. To be fair, she didn’t say if it had to be over the phone or not.” He winks, obviously exaggerating. “I thought I should walk you to your internship before returning home.”
“Oh, thanks.” Mafuyu softens then turns to Kanade, who was nervously fidgeting with her sleeves. “You’ve been outside a lot more these few days.”
"Yeah, these are my last few days of online courses after all." Kanade sighs. “I need to get used to the outside world.”
Mafuyu smiled fondly, shaking his head. “Is that what you two were talking about?
Kanade and his father shared a glance. “Essentially.” His father responded.
"Have you ever thought about transferring to Kamiyama, Mafuyu?" Kanasde inquired as they made their way to the hospital.
Him? At Kamiyama? His mother would never allow it. Miyamasuzaka looked good on resumes. Miyamasuzaka would get into good medical schools. Mafuyu may not want to be a doctor, but he still wanted to be a nurse. "I haven't."
“Ah, I just thought you’d like to because Miyamasuzaka is all girls.”
“It would be nice…” Mafuyu stared at his shoes. “My mother would never let me.”
"You could move in with me."
Mafuyu looks up, he wasn't expecting such a response from Kanade. "But the Tenmas, they're your family."
"They're a part of my family." Kanade tentatively says. "You're part of it too. My parents' apartment would feel less lonely if you were there."
Would it? Mafuyu still had a long way to go for recovery. And the constant panic attacks weren't doing him any favors either. Living with him would suck, he'd just make Kanade feel more alone. Mafuyu looked over to his father for his opinion.
He looked deep in thought. "I'm not sure how I'd feel about you and your girlfriend living together so young. As lovely as she may be."
Of course. Two highschoolers living alone in an apartment wasn't an appealing thought.
"Kanade, is there any way we can buy the apartment?"
"Buy?" Kanade tilts her head.
Mafuyu's father stops under a tree outside the hospital. "Mafuyu and I both agree that his mother isn't a good influence on us. After planning and debating it a thousand times over, I’ve decided that I want to divorce her."
“Divorce?” Divorce? That would drag his mother’s perfect reputation through the mud big time. It would anger her to the point that Mafuyu would be monitored by a drone every moment of his day.
“It’s a drastic solution…” His father nods solemnly. “But I hate that she’s been bad mouthing you behind your back just because of an accident at school."
She's been what?
"It wasn’t even your fault. I can’t believe I let her get away with treating me like dirt for all these years. I can’t believe I let her hold you to a standard so high. I can’t believe I got swept away by it all.”
He sighs. Heavy and tired. “I want to be a good father for you, son. And I think it’s best that we get away from that woman we call your mother.”
“What do you think?” His father looks at him once over, beaming with pride. His mother never looked at him like that. "If you want and if Kanade allows, then we can buy her apartment, and we can live there until you graduate.”
It sounds unreal. Too easy. Mafuyu doubts that they’re going to escape his mother that easily, but he believes in his fathers’ words anyway. His mother once called him a dreamer, someone who has his head stuck too high in the clouds but right now, Mafuyu wants to believe that this will work. That they’re really going to escape. “And after I graduate?”
“You and Kanade can live together, I’ll find someplace else.”
“I can’t ask you to do that.”
"You don't need to. It's Kanade's parents' apartment, it's only right that Kanade returns to it eventually. And, I'll hope it’ll be with you in tow."
He could cry. He’s going to cry. "Dad…"
“It’s gonna take a long time.” He confesses. “I don’t want to make any promises. But with any luck…”
“I love it. I love this plan” Mafuyu is grinning so hard, he can feel his bottom lip split. “It’s so crazy, and unreal. And the thing is that it could work. Dad, we can really get away.”
“Does this mean you’re on board?”
Mafuyu nods. “I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
His father is grinning. “Work hard, I love you.” He says as he leaves.
Mafuyu doesn’t respond. Maybe one day, he will.
Kanade is still by his side, waving to his father until he is out of sight. In her other hand is a clear plastic bag filled with cookies, tied with a small purple bow. The tag on the bag has Mafuyu's name on it with Kanade's scrawl. “Why didn’t you tell him that we aren’t dating?” She confronts Mafuyu.
Oops. He forgot to. But would it really be that bad if he and Kanade were dating? No, Mafuyu deduces. No it would not. Kanade is good, she makes him feel nice and warm. Mafuyu doesn’t understand all of his emotions just yet, but that’s okay. He’ll learn. “Is that not something you’d like?”
“Well– I–” Kanade sputters for a second, going completely red. “Is– Is that something you’d like?”
Mafuyu thinks for a second, then nods. “Yes.”
“Okay.” Is poor Kanade’s strangled response. She’s facing the pavement. Through the spaces in her hair, Mafuyu can see that she has a smile on her face.
“Okay.” Is Mafuyu’s reply as he takes her hand.
Kanade places the cookies inside his school bag as they both step inside the hospital.
Yeah, okay.