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Harry wonders how he made it sixteen years.
How did something as beautiful as Louis turned out to be something so beautifully tragic?
Harry wonders how he got to the point where he’d watch Louis interact with their kids, dancing around their kitchen to whatever the top song of that morning was, making pancakes saturated with maple syrup and hearing nothing but noise and irritation.
Harry wonders if they used to argue this often or he convinced himself it was just friendly banter.
On a chilly Saturday morning he watches Sammy kick the soccer ball to one of her teammates and Louis cheers loudly beside him, shouting words of encouragement and all he feels is the cold and a radiation too hot to touch.
He thinks his mum notices, she watches him with sad eyes but quickly smiles when Louis and the kids enter the room, bringing them all into a big hug full of love and Harry is overwhelmed with remorse.
Maybe Louis notices, he isn’t dumb. If he has he hasn’t said anything.
Harry loves his kids all the same, he wonders if they realize their dad has been acting weirdly. Daniel must have, he turns fourteen next month, he must have.
Harry wonders how he first thought sunlight bled from Louis’ every pore when now all he can think about when he’s lying in bed is all that Louis glows like is a cloud covered moon.
“Your eyes are cold,” Grimmy states one afternoon, glove covered hands holding his coffee to his mouth. He blows the steam coming off the top into Harry’s face.
“I’ve been thinking a lot lately,” Harry said with a shrug, looking down into his hot chocolate. He feels as cold as his eyes look.
“Then don’t think.”
Harry tries not to think, really, he does.
Soon Harry is back to wondering.
He wonders while he’s sitting in his car waiting to pick up the kids from school and Louis is at the office.
He wonders when he’s serving dinner onto the table and Louis kisses his cheek in thanks and begins to eat, mumbling, “Tastes great Baby.”
Harry wonders when he stopped looking at Louis and feeling blinded white with love.
He doesn’t put a name to how he feels for a long time.
In the darkness Harry can feel Louis watching him. “I love you.”
Harry pretends he's asleep.
“Are you cheating on me?”
Harry looks up shocked and Louis’ fierce stance wavers for a moment before he composes himself. “No, where would you get that idea from?”
Harry watches Louis wipe his face quickly. He didn’t even realize he’d begun crying, he used to be so aware of everything Louis did.
Louis lowers to a crouch and grabs Harry’s hands. “You’ve been so cold, I don’t know what’s going through your head anymore.”
Harry squeezes his eyes closed when he feels tears of his own prickle his eyes. God, he wishes it was as easy as saying he’d cheated.
Harry traces the tattoo of the rose on his forearm, the same place as Louis’ dagger. They’d gotten dozens of matching tattoos when they were young and blinded by love. Now they all look like mistakes.
Rachel, their youngest at four, tugs at Harry’s sleeve one afternoon in late July with a worry in her brow.
Harry gently picks her up and sits her on his lap, fingers automatically going to run through her wavy hair.
“You still love Papa, right?” Her little voice asks and Harry squeezes his eyes shut and hesitates.
She notices Harry’s hesitation, even at four she notices. She presses her hand to Harry’ cheek as a tear runs steadily down his face and he feels guilt for taking it as an ‘its okay’.
Louis plans a huge surprise during September, Harry has to pretend he has no idea about it when he gets home from the restaurant. The lighting is dim and dread fills in his stomach.
Louis attempts to take Harry to bed that night, but Harry can’t do it.
They both cry.
Harry wonders when Louis became less like the sun and more like the moon.
Harry wonders how he never notices Louis inhales sunrises when Harry exhales sunsets.
Louis stopped being Harry’s home at some point, it was replaced with a door and three kids.
Harry is making their bed when he wonders when Louis’ side of the bed stopped smelling like Louis and more like a fabric softener.
Daniel walks in to Harry gripping Louis’ pillow, shaking with sobs.
Louis finds out. Louis finds out everything eventually.
They’re sitting at the dinner table and the kids are outside playing soccer, Louis is watching them. Watching Rachel act as the coach with Daniel and Sammy squaring each other up with puffed chests.
“I miss you,” Louis sighed, eyes not drifting from the three.
Harry played with the ring on his finger. “I know you do.”
They're hanging by a loose thread, they both know it.
Harry doesn't see Louis cry.
He knows he does though, he hears it through the bathroom door.
Harry makes the mistake of asking Liam for the old home videos of them.
Liam sees straight through Harry’s brave face and pulls him inside.
Harry ends up crying and telling Liam almost everything aside from one thing, because he doesn't want to believe it himself yet.
He doesn’t want to accept that he’s fallen out of love.
It was a Tuesday, early January when Harry finally gets around to watching the old videos. The first one he watches is at Jo’s wedding, he and Louis are messing around on the dance floor, clumsily jumping and fist pumping like they’re at a music festival not a wedding playing one of Bruno Mars’ sappy love songs.
Louis stops suddenly and turns to look at Harry and even though the quality of the video is rubbish, he remembers the moment clear as day.
Louis grabbed his hands and pressed them to where his heart was pounding and whispered into Harry’s ear, “I love you.”
Harry had been so filled with joy he’d spun Louis around as they laughed maniacally.
The next was backstage at one of Louis’ old drama plays.
The camera started shaky, showing the top of Anne’s shoes before focusing and being risen to show Harry and Louis’ faces.
Louis was shaking with nerves and Harry was hugging him tightly, mumbling things into his hair.
Harry couldn’t remember what he had been saying to Louis at that point, meaningless promises that Louis probably forgot about.
Louis looks up at Harry and even through the camera watching it through third person the love radiates and Harry’s chest aches for that feeling to come back.
Harry likes to wine and dine Louis, he’ll take him to the restaurant and bring him into the kitchen itself so they can eat amongst the chaos just like Louis loves.
Harry makes a list of things he used to find endearing about Louis. Now a lot of it irritates him.
Harry is faithless and selfish, Louis is sentimental and faithful.
He used to think they were fate. Now it seems more like a coincidence.
Louis opens the balcony door and finds Harry looking down at his arm admiring his tattoos. “They all had a meaning at some point,” Harry tells his sadly and Louis understands.
Of a night Louis begins to press kisses to Harry’s head and sleep in the guest bedroom.
It doesn’t last long. Harry feels more entitled to sleep in there since he is the one losing everything, not Louis.
Louis doesn’t have stars or constellations in his eyes anymore, it's an empty abyss.
“I want you to find the happiness you don't find in me anymore,” Louis tells him sternly during April.
Harry is holding an ice-cream two scoops high. They’re at a theme park.
They spend three months filling out the papers.
It only takes so long because Harry is the one crying, not Louis.
Harry starts looking for apartments.
When they finally tell the kids it's at the dinner table. Daniel yells at Harry, smacks him in the chest angrily. He’s almost sixteen now and very emotional. Sammy’s head hits the table and she quickly covers her face with her arms, sobs shaking her body, and Rachel, Rachel sits in silence because she knew, she's known for a long time.
Harry, Louis and the kids travel down to see Lou’s family and break the news. Jo understands and hugs Harry tightly and tells him he’ll always be family. He doesn’t think that's true.
When it’s time to tell Anne, Harry goes alone.
She knew just like Rachel and sits in silence the whole time Harry explains the situation before bringing him into a hug and he feels like he’s twelve again. So he cries, he cries so much he’s drowsy with it and Anne lets him.
They work out an arrangement for the kids. Louis gets custody over them, but they’ll visit Harry every Wednesday and Thursday and stay with him for a week during holidays. They’ll have a family gathering during birthdays no matter how awkward because Louis and Harry understand how much it’d mean to the three.
When the divorce is at the final stages of being finalized Harry’s playing with his rings again. “I'm sorry we didn't work out.”
“I still love you,” Louis reminds Harry, he doesn’t say it like he expects him to say it back, more like he just wants Harry to know.
The statement makes Harry’s heart sink and he prays to every God that night for nothing more than Louis’ happiness.
When the rest of the boy’s find out they cover the scent of loss with jokes and everyone can't help but laugh.
Two days before Harry moves out they go to the theme park. He buys everyone fairy floss and he goes on every roller coaster he can with Daniel, plays laser tag with Sammy and Louis for an hour and goes on every single The Wiggles ride.
Harry is drunk on alcohol and sadness when he opens the home videos back up.
He watches their wedding.
Liam is filming, he’s filming Louis’ jittery hands that play with the cuffs of his suit. “So... you’re finally marrying the love of your life.” The camera pans up to Louis’ grinning face as he nods ecstatically. “How do you feel?”
“I feel on top of the world Payno.”
Harry watches Louis do a corny dance around the room with glittering eyes.
The camera jumps to where Harry is preparing, looking far less flustered.
“Hello other groom,” Liam whistles and Harry looks up at Liam in the mirror where he was pressing down his suit going off the reflection. “How are you feeling today?”
Harry spins around to face Liam and walks over to grip the camera focusing it directly to his face as he smiles widely. “I’m about to marry the love of my life Liam, I feel fucking terrific.”
The camera cuts to a sniffling Liam as they exchange vows. Louis is about to speak.
“Get ready for some cheese.” Louis announces and the audience laughs. “I have loved you since I was eighteen Harry Styles, it may have been reckless and foolish of me but being the twenty four year old I am I have yet to regret it one little bit. You know I’m not good at math but I did it for you and worked out that means six years with your ugly mug, six years of me getting so lost in your beauty that I can’t see two feet in front of me. Six years of waking up at four-thirty to kiss you goodbye as you rush out the door to serve people at your top notch, five star restaurant. Six years of making you half-arsed dinners and hopefully many more years to come with little Larry rascals running around because that’s what I dream about. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to love and nurture you, I love when you’re sick because it means we can be cute and I can feed you soup out of the packet and pretend it’s homemade-” Harry makes a noise of protest and Louis shoves him lightly and the audience laughs. “-let me finish you giant oaf. Harry, you are the best thing to ever happen to me and I hope you never get sick of me because I don’t think I ever will get sick of you. So if you’ll have me that’d be incredible.”
Harry nods. Obviously.
The morning Harry leaves he makes breakfast: pancakes saturated in maple syrup.
Everyone cries at some point.
Harry buys a dog and names him Will.
Louis promises to stay friends, Harry wonders how long it’ll last.
Harry hears a noise the first night in his new apartment and he rolls over to ask Louis if he needs anything.
His voice gets caught in his throat and for the first time in almost twenty four years, he wonders if he made a mistake.
After all, there were no mistakes during Louis.