Chapter Text
1. Denial
It shouldn’t have been like that.
For fuck’s sakes, It really shouldn’t have.
See, Yeonjun was the type to not ask for much from life. He was ambitious when it came to things like his studies or his hobbies even. But he considered it was fine because he was the master of his ability to grow in all these matters.
Regarding the rest? He didn’t ask for much.
Why would he after all?
He had a wonderful mother that had taught him from a young age to be nice and hard working and if he abided by these two rules, he’d get rewarded. Maybe not by other people’s kindness, but in life one way or the other. Some people might think it’s bullshit to feed your children to make them obedient but Yeonjun stood by these rules and he believed that his mother had been right.
He had always been well-surrounded, had made a best friend in Beomgyu when he was 10 and the younger was a snotty but nice 8 years old. He had pretty good grades and was an even better dancer and singer which garnered positive attention from his peers. He had a happy childhood because he tried to stay positive and life indeed rewarded him.
By the age of 14, he had gained quite the reputation in middle school. People liked how positive, nice and talented he was and he received lots of praise for it. Even someone like Beomgyu that knew him very well and loved to give him shit for simply existing occasionally reminded him that he was a good person when Yeonjun doubted himself.
Now…
Yeonjun was only human.
He remained humble. He really did and he’d always been so grateful for the attention he received. He had been raised to not expect anything from anyone, so to have all of this love from his classmates and friends was something he never wanted to take for granted.
But damn it, being praised everyday did something to even the nicest and humble person.
No. Yeonjun hadn’t pulled a Cady in Mean Girls and became an even worse version of Regina George. It was more a feeling of pride and ego boost because of the image that people had of him which he ended up believing himself mixed with an uglier feeling of imposter syndrome.
Every week he’d hear of how great he was. How perfect and nice he was. How handsome he was.
He was so handsome . So pretty. So beautiful.
It wasn’t his words. It was other people’s.
Now, did he believe it?
When people had started to acknowledge it, he didn’t really pay attention. He was 10 years old after all. He was too busy biking in the streets of Seoul, playing video games and working on his dance to care about something as irrelevant as looks.
Then he grew up. Like any teenager he spent more time in front of a mirror. He specifically remembered that late afternoon after dance practice when he was 15 years old. Beomgyu and him had gone back to his home to shower and hang out. He had particularly sweated at that dance practice so instead of waiting for his turn after Beomgyu to shower he had showered in his parents’ bathroom.
Once he got out and wrapped a towel around his waist, he had looked at his reflection in the foggy mirror after wiping away the steam. He had blinked at the person looking at him.
When had he grown so much into his baby fat? When had his lips become so plush? When did his jaw become so sharp?
The realization had hit like the cold air that seeped in as he hastily opened the door of the steamy bathroom.
“Beomgyu?!” Yeonjun yelled as he quickly walked inside his room to find his bathroom's door opened with Beomgyu toweling on his hair with what Yeonjun was pretty was his pajama shirt. Rude but not unusual for Beomgyu.
“Yes, I’m using your shirt. It was that or your face towel and I am not suicidal.” Beomgyu read his mind. “Anyways. What, hyung?”
“When did I become so…” Yeonjun trailed off as he watched his reflection again in the smaller mirror, feeling Beomgyu’s confused stare on him.
“... So what?”
“So… Okay-looking?”
“... I know you didn’t just ask me this, Choi Yeonjun.” Beomgyu scoffed in disbelief. “Why do you seem surprised when people are telling you everyday you’re like a living-God?”
“Stop exaggerating…” Yeonjun dismissed his best friend although he did feel his ear warming up at the compliment. He was realizing that he had never acknowledged the compliments and how they sounded. “I know how it sounds but I think I just realized.”
“What? That people are not just drooling over you because you’re nice? That you might not be as average as you claim you were in your humble off, all these years.”
When he said it like that it sounded like Yeonjun was purposefully playing dumb. Maybe deep down it was the truth. “I guess, yes.”
Beomgyu stopped toweling his hair and stared at Yeonjun like he had grown a new head. He watched Yeonjun’s teeth worrying over his lower lip. He sighed and dropped the shirt to turn towards his best friend. He rested his hands on Yeonjun’s shoulder to make him face him.
“Sometimes I forget that you were raised right.” Beomgyu shook his head, “You’re objectively a good-looking person, hyung. You’re nice, funny and handsome. And you’re 15 at that, the ungrateful age, according to my mom. So you’re like, God’s favorite.”
“I think you’re being extra–”
“People in our school are not inherently nice, hyung.They wouldn’t praise you that much if they didn’t mean it.”
Beomgyu was right.
They weren’t in the worst school, everyone was actually pretty decent to each other, but he had seen students being quite bitchy and mean like pre-teens and teenagers could be. Yeonjun had never been on the receiving end of that. He had just believed that it was because he was nice, but maybe looks played more than he thought.
After this, Yeonjun started to pay a little more attention.
Nothing much.
He was too lazy to change drastically how he viewed himself back in high school. He kept on being himself personality wise. He didn’t want all the praise to get to his head so he spent more time with his family and Beomyu. They were the only ones that kept it real with him. He wanted to remain humble because vanity wasn’t a trait he ever wanted to have.
In the meantime, he did start wearing some makeup when at school. Exercising a little more. Wearing accessories and clothes that made him stand out a little more. Just small things.
It wasn’t a big deal in any way.
He hadn’t felt any type of change in the way he viewed himself. And if people praised how he looked even better, more stylish, to the point they elected him the most handsome and most likely to succeed in his senior year of high school, it was just how it was.
He was just lucky to feel good about himself and pushed himself just a little more better himself.
It was harmless self-image assessments.
That switch up did help him get a boyfriend though. Seo Changbin and him had been friends for a few years before they started dating. Yeonjun had always liked his nonchalance, how he didn’t take himself too seriously but still exuded confidence despite not being what society deemed as ‘perfect’. He was also so kind to Yeonjun and not just because he was, well… Yeonjun.
They had dated for the last five months of his senior year, basically being each other’s gay awakenings. During these few months, they had taken all of each other’s firsts. First dates, first kiss, first valentine’s day… First time having sex. They did that last ‘first’ several times. Yeonjun liked that last ‘first’ a lot.
Then a little less.
Figures.
Despite being happy together, they both knew their relationship had an expiration date. It was probably what made their breakup easy and drama-free. They both were grateful for each other and had stayed friends, though.
All in all this time with Changbin had taught Yeonjun a lot on what he liked and disliked in a partner, and what he liked and disliked about himself.
(He tended to not think about that last part.)
Funny how things just seem to happen, though.
A gentle smile, sparkling eyes, pouty lips and dimples that you could fall into.
Yeonjun didn’t stand a chance against Choi Soobin.
It had been during the end of his first year of college that Yeonjun had noticed the taller freshman that usually booked one of the studio rooms that the university made available for students an hour right before Yeonjun’s time slot.
They had never crossed paths before because Yeonjun always came five to ten minutes after the beginning of his own time slot. Usually because he liked to take his time to shower after his dance practices.
On the night they met, Yeonjun didn't have time to shower because his dance practice had run late. He just used moist toilets to get rid of the sweat and the unpleasant scent it carried. When he made sure he smelled fresh enough, he had put on one of his big black jackets, kept on his black sweatpants and shoved a beanie on his wild looking half-dyed hair and decided it was enough.
It was fine, he had figured, his university was so big that he received less attention on a daily basis. He could perfectly go out without having to… enhance anything. Not that it mattered all that much.
Or so he thought.
He dragged his body to the music building that was fortunately located at a walking distance to the dance building. He was still quite tired from the practice since he had stayed longer, in order to get some extra time to work in his performance he was going to present for his finals. The only reason he hadn’t gone back to his dorm room was because he also had to work on his composition final.
Composition class was one the few things that Yeonjun was struggling with. It was kind of hard to admit it but the subject was kicking his ass. He couldn’t seem to do something that was good enough for his composition professor despite all his hard work. Yeonjun was too used to people being happy with what he did so it did hurt his ego a little not to be able to crack the code for that class
So he worked harder. Maybe to the point of not being super efficient but he rather do too much than not enough. He had figured that being in the studio might help with his inspiration.
He walked inside the nearly empty building, greeting the few people there he recognized. He walked through the maze-like hallways to his usual studio that was at the end of the building, in a rather isolated area, which he liked because it gave him privacy to screech in frustration when he wasn’t getting anywhere with what he was composing and even the sound proof didn’t contain the noise.
He sighed at the idea, absentmindedly opening the door to find that it wasn’t locked. Yeonjun faltered a little too late, hand already pushing it forcefully to see the lights and the monitor already on.
And to see a guy halfway through the motion of taking his shirt off, a broad and muscled back exposed on full sight.
“Oh!” Yeonjun gaped way too loudly. “Sorry!”
The guy with the gorgeous back froze in his movement and hastily turned to show an even prettier stomach. Yeonjun’s stomach churned in a way it had never done before. “Wh—what—“
“My bad!” Yeonjun cut the bumbling figure who was now struggling with his shirt. He turned around to let him have some privacy, already feeling bad for staring at him the way he did. “I booked this studio for the 10PM slot. I thought it was empty. I didn’t mean to… see anything.”
He heard some huffing and puffing from behind and after a few seconds a sigh. “It’s fine… I didn’t know if someone was going to come after me so I took my time. I was just changing my sweatshirt. I wasn’t doing anything weird…”
“Oh that’s fine, I— I figured.” Yeonjun said to the wall he was still facing. He was holding on to his sports bag for his dear life, extremely embarrassed. He couldn’t imagine how the other guy was feeling. “No problem, really.”
“You can turn around. I’m decent now." The guy tried to joke.
Yeonjun snorted in response, immediately bringing his hand to his face in shock from the lack of grace of the sound. He felt his face warm as he heard the guy chuckle a soft breathy laugh right after.
He slowly turned around, trying to reign down the embarrassment that coursed through his body.
To have the most gorgeous guy he had ever laid his eyes on standing awkwardly in front of him was the last thing he had expected.
He was tall. Taller than Yeonjun, and had broad shoulders that were barely hugged by the cute and nerdy white shirt with its collar peeking under a black sweatshirt combo. He had a black bowl cut with bangs that fell delicately on his eyes, and parted in the middle. His skin looked as soft as a feather and his pouty lips shined under the warm yellow light desk lamp. He had both soft and striking features. His handsomeness made him look intimidating but the way his blinking doe eyes almost sparkled as he stared back at Yeonjun told him that he was more innocent that he let on.
Yeonjun found himself frozen.
He wasn’t used to this. To be stunned by someone else’s presence. To feel like his whole body was in flames from how flustered he felt. And by the way the guy was looking at him, cheeks visibly warming up, he wasn’t used to it either.
They stayed there staring at each other, unable to find words to describe the electricity between them until the guy cleared his throat and looked down.
“Hum… Sorry.”
Yeonjun blinked, “For what?”
The guy fidgeted, obviously trying to look anywhere but Yeonjun’s way. The action made him smile slightly. “Oh. It’s fine. You– you’re fine.”
“Okay…” Soobin sighed, daring to lay his eyes on Yeonjun again, which provoked a whole new wave of chills through Yeonjun’s body, “Cool.”
Maybe it was why he blurted out awkwardly, “Yeah. You-You’re so fine.”
His eyes immediately widened as he realized the implication of his answer, in a similar way to Soobin’s own doe eyes.
“I didn’t mean it !” He chastity explained, “I mean you are not fine. I mean you are fine but I didn’t mean it like that. I was just saying it’s fine that– I–”
Yeonjun almost wasn’t dying from embarrassment from the way the guy laughed at how he fumbled with his words. That’s how cute Yeonjun had found him.
That’s how it all started.
Later on, he found out that the guy’s name was Choi Soobin, that he was also a freshman scrambling to cram for his own music producing finals, that he had heard of Yeonjun because he knew Beomgyu and if everyone knew Yeonjun in high school, Beomgyu knew everyone in their university. He also found out that Soobin had the most beautiful dimpled smile when he was laughing. That his ears reddened whenever Yeonjun smiled back or made eye contact. That he had this habit of scrunching his nose when he was tired from the lack of sleep and spoke in pout when he was confused or upset because Yeonjun was teasing him even though they’d only had met five hours ago.
Yeonjun also found out that when he was with Choi Soobin, time moved differently. It was like the outside world didn’t move and nothing else but them gradually getting closer as they fell into each other with each shared laugh mattered.
It had never been this easy to be with someone that wasn’t Beomgyu or his family. Or Changbin at some point.
It wasn’t even the fact that they had amazing chemistry, basically the same humor, or that they had way too many shared interests.
It was the fact that for the first time Yeonjun was comfortable being himself with someone that he had real romantic feelings for. He didn’t have to care about how he presented himself or of how he acted. Soobin simply didn’t care about this stuff and it was just as relieving as it was attractive.
Or so Yeonjun thought.
Yeonjun had to reiterate.
It shouldn’t have been like this.
It shouldn’t have because it was so fucking dumb. So fucking stupid that admiting it to himself made him want to slam his head into a wall to just knock some sense in his head.
And you know what? It was so stupid that it was not an issue. Yeonjun wouldn’t make it an issue because it shouldn’t be. Making an issue about it meant it was real and it wasn’t. So there’s that.
Matter of fact he didn’t even talk about it with Beomgyu. That’s how little of a problem it was.
Soobin and him had been dating for three months now and it was incredible , for lack of better words. After their first meeting they’d started texting, and once the finals were over they had their first date. It had been a disaster.
The food had been bad, the movie even worse and Yeonjun felt bad to have suggested the movie so he tried to surprise Soobin with flowers he had bought in the middle of the date, except that Soobin was allergic to flowers. They had to cut it short to go back to Soobin’s apartment to get him to take his allergy medicine. Said allergy medicine mixed with the wine they had shared during the night made Soobin very groggy and sluggish. After that Yeonjun tried to help the younger to go to bed and in his delirium Soobin basically ended up prepositioning him.
Sufficient to say that the whole night was a mess and they both were very embarrassed. A recurring theme in their relationship.
Despite this Yeonjun wanted nothing more than to ask Soobin on a second date, which he did and Soobin had sounded so surprised and relieved when he agreed.
Weeks later and after several dates and hang-outs that were way better than the first date fiasco, they ended up confessing how much they liked each other and after some pushing from their respective best friends - Beomgyu for Yeonjun and some adorable high schooler seniors named Taehyun and Huening Kai - they officially had gotten together.
They spent lots of time together, especially because they had started dating during the beginning of the summer, leaving lots of room for them to go on cute dates and chill in Soobin’s apartment - Yeonjun had moved back to his mother’s for the holiday so they mostly spent time at his’.
That allowed Yeonjun to get to know the younger even better.
If Soobin came across as calm and serious from an external point of view, the taller was nothing but an oversized bunny that required lots of attention as much as he gave Yeonjun his own undivided attention. He hated sports despite being fit. Loved bread and pastries despite saying he liked salty food more. Adored his hedgehog Odi that lived in a well-furnished cage in his closet and he loathed math.
Oh, also. Soobin loved sex.
Well. Maybe that was an exaggeration.
He loved non-sexual and sexual intimacy. Yeonjun actually came to find that out very early in their relationship. One week after they started officially dating, Yeonjun decided to spend the weekend over at the younger’s apartment. He hadn’t really expected anything from the weekend. Soobin had never suggested anything specific for the weekend so Yeonjun came completely unprepared. He hadn’t even brought his douche.
So far they had only kissed outside and when they did hang out, they also never went as far as neck kisses that left them wanting more but not asking for more not to push each other’s boundaries.
So when they got to bed on Friday night after playing Mario Kart for three hours straight, Yeonjun had expected a cuddle session at best, a simple good night kiss at worst.
What he hadn’t expected was for Soobin to snuggle to him as he took Yeonjun for a back hug as he started leaving lovebites on his shoulders and neck so sensually that it had Yeonjun squirming.
(Hell, Yeonjun hadn’t even brought concealer for him to hide eventual hickeys from his mother when he’d get back home! That’s how much Yeonjun hadn’t expected anything wild to happen!)
So when Soobin started kissing and biting on his shoulder, while simultaneously gently sliding his hand down under Yeonjun’s royal blue silk pajama shirt - He hadn’t expected sex but he still had to look good even at night - to reach to his toned stomach and then lower and lower… Yeonjun was caught off guard.
He very happily let Soobin stroke his hard-on until he came in his boxers.
He enjoyed it. A lot.
The next night he was more than ready to give back the favor by sucking the younger off after they found themselves unable to fall asleep in the dead of the night.
But he was caught off guard.
It did bring the idea that Yeonjun had of what their relationship would be while he was pining for him in a whole new light and he didn’t know how to feel about it. Months went by, they did have sex several times, always in his own terms and he loved it - Soobin was just… amazing in all sense of the way - but that feeling never left.
“Why is that?” Beomgyu asked as he sipped on his tapioca bubbles on Yeonjun’s bed. Beomgyu had went back to Daegu to be with his family for the summer holidays but had come back since they started their junior year in three days.
Yeonjun was just grateful to have his best friend there for this crisis.
“I don’t know!’” Yeonjun whined although Beomgyu must have heard ‘Ion-oh’ since he had his face smashed against a pillow for the better part of the hour, drooling all over it. “He’s so nice, and sweet. There’s nothing wrong with him.”
“It’s fine if it turns out you don’t like sex, hyung.”
“I do enjoy it.” Yeonjun sighed, “I swear I do.”
“Don’t know why you’re saying that like I’m the one you have to prove that to.”
Yeonjun raised his head from the pillow to glare at his best friend. “Shut it, you brat. I am confused and vulnerable right now.”
“Okay, okay. Sorry. Let’s try to figure things out.” Beomgyu chewed on his tapioca bubbles as he looked up to think. “Do you not enjoy how he’s been… doing it?”
Yeonjun cringed but ignored the sly look on his best friend’s face, “No, that’s not it. It’s been four months since we started dating, since we’ve started being sexually active and despite not having lots of experience, I’ve loved how Soobin has been treating me in bed. He just knows what I like almost instinctively. Still, there’s something.”
“So if it’s not him… it’s maybe you?”
“Great.” Yeonjun groaned as he let his head fall back on the pillow.
“No, but think about it, hyung. You overall love having sex with him but there’s something off. So maybe it’s not him. Or not you… Is it the hedgehog?”
“Odi?” Yeonjun perked, “Nah. He’s kept in the closet when we do it.”
“Ah! That reminds me of myself in high school, while you were banging Changbin.” Beomgyu muttered to himself, yelping when Yeonjun threw the drool-pillow his way. “Hey stop ! I’m the victim here !”
“Whatever.” Yeonjun sat up to face his best friend with a pout, “Maybe I’ll never know what’s wrong. I’ll just stay with Soobin and keep on having great sex while the voice in the back of my mind tells me that something is off.”
“Wait!” Beomgyu gasped, “What about Changbin?”
Yeonjun froze, “What about him?”
“How was the sex with him? Maybe you went through some shit with him that impacted you now.”
Yeonjun didn’t like where this was going, “... Sex with him was okay.”
“Just okay?”
“He was respectful and nice. I mean sure it was awkward but that’s just how it is for your first time.” Yeonjun defended. He really loved Changbin as a friend and didn’t like people to minimize him when he had been so good to Yeonjun. “He’s not the problem.”
“I didn’t say he was the problem–”
“Let’s just forget about this subject.” Yeonjun cut him, uncrossing his leg to retrieve his computer. “I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
He ignored Beomgyu’s suspicious eyes as he mumbled a slow “Alright…”
“Let’s watch Jujutsu Kaisen."
That did it for the younger, “Alright !”
***
A week later after that discussion with Beomgyu, Yeonjun had a planned study date with Soobin although it was more of an excuse to hang out together since the semester had just started and the professors hadn’t unleashed all hell yet.
Yeonjun came to Soobin’s apartment around 7PM, a little later than planned, since he had his last class of the day finished later and had to pass by his dorm to pack an overnight bag. He had left some of his stuff in Soobin’s apartment but Yeonjun didn’t like to have his essentials between several places. His boyfriend completely understood, because he was basically perfect regarding matters like this.
It was actually crazy how good it felt to be with someone who respected your boundaries, even in small things. Yeonjun made sure to show how grateful he was for his boyfriend whenever he could. Like for instance today, Yeonjun passed by a convenience store to buy Soobin a plastic rose, because the younger had such a great heart that he loved lots of things that hated him, including flowers.
The way Soobin's face lit at the sight of the flower made his heart soar.
“Oh, hyung.” Soobin bit his lower lip to hide the wideness of his smile, his ear pink.”You shouldn’t have…”
“Of course I should have. I haven’t bought you flowers in a while.” Yeonjun chuckled as he settled down on the small but comfortable green couch next to the balcony of Soobin’s apartment. Soobin joined him by sitting half on his lap. Both his legs were now resting over Yeonjun’s own legs. He twirled the plastic rose in his finger as he rested his chin on the older’s shoulder. A natural position for them.
Yeonjun started drawing patterns on Soobin’s uncovered knee that peeked under his long loose shorts. The younger leaned into him further and sniffed on the plastic flower.
“Ugh, I love that smell.” Soobin groaned quietly, “It’s familiar.” he hummed.
“Yeah, it’s my new cologne that my cousin sent me from the US. I wore it last week when we saw each other.” Yeonjun explained.
Soobin awed, “It smells amazing. Very unnatural for a rose to smell like that, because it’s more like a musc… But I love it. It smells… Sexy, if that makes sense.”
“Oh Choi Soobin, you just have a way with words.” Yeonjun swooned dramatically. Soobin bit his shoulder in retaliation.
“Stop teasing me!” Soobin huffed. Yeonjun’s eyes zeroed on his boyfriend’s glistening lower lip instinctively. It was so inviting. Ready to be bit.
So he did just that.
Soobin whined in surprise but let him do it and kissed Yeonjun back when he pecked him in apology.
Soobin tasted sweet. Like cherries. Yeonjun smiled unconsciously at the fact Soobin was wearing the lip balm he had bought him. They kissed one last time before pulling away and sighing in unison. These were one of these times in which time seemed to move differently again.
That moment they shared where they just lost themselves in each other’s eyes. It was like time stopped. They couldn’t hear the buzzing coming from the open window that gave a view on Seoul’s busy streets. They barely registered the last rays of the sun falling on their faces. It was just them.
Yeonjun liked him so much. He just didn’t know how to say it.
Everything in its own time , he had to remind himself.
***
Given the mood that they had been in as soon as Yeonjun had crossed the threshold of Soobin’s apartment, it was normal for them to end up in bed heavily making out. In their defense, they hadn’t even planned it. Soobin had just stained his shirt with the ink from his pen while they were studying and promptly took said shirt off. That was enough for Yeonjun to momentarily forget about his sexual qualm and push his boyfriend in his bedroom to kiss him silly.
No matter how many times they’d found themselves in this position, Yeonjun was never sick of it. To see Soobin’s body respond so well to his ministrations made him feel such pride.
He took his time pressing each kiss on the expanse of Soobin’s neck, not leaving one patch of skin untouched. He hovered over Soobin as he stroked his hair and kept on laying butterfly kisses and small lovebites, making Soobin breathe unevenly in response. The younger’s hand slipped from under his shirt and rested on Yeonjun’s nape as if to ask for him to keep going. The hair on Yeonjun’s neck rose at the sounds his boyfriend was making. He felt Soobin gulp as his lips rested on his heated skin. Their legs were tangled, their body aligned just in the right way to make every touch electric.
Soobin gently pulled him away, making the older lean away from the bruise-littered neck. Yeonjun could barely see anything because the sun had set entirely and as usual they hadn’t turned on the light in Soobin’s bedroom since the switch was too far away from the bed and they both were too lazy and entranced in each other to pull away to turn it on.
“Can we switch?” Soobin asked breathily. Yeonjun’s stomach churned slightly. He felt chills run through his body and that went all back to his dick.The small odd feeling he couldn’t seem to place came back. He chose to ignore it to quietly nod, not before languidly kissing his boyfriend one last time.
In milliseconds, Soobin basically mandhandled him in a rare display of strength to have them switch places, which helped reign down that feeling a little more because, wow , his boyfriend was so fucking hot.
As soon as he settled on Yeonjun’s lap, moaning again as their crotches aligned perfectly, he dived in to take the older in a deep kiss. Yeonjun didn’t know how Soobin did it. The way he used his tongue would always be considered the world’s eighth world’s wonder to the older. He sucked lightly on Yeonjun’s tongue then on his lower lip and grinded on Yeonjun’s clothed cock at the same time. He did everything in his power not to mewl way too loudly.
He was driving him crazy.
Soon, Soobin snaked a hand between them to reach Yeonjun’s cock. The feeling of anticipation was at an all time high after all that teasing, but it was mixed with something else. Soobin tried to reach quickly but found himself struggling slightly.
After 30 seconds of fumbling Soobin detached himself from Yeonjun’s jaw and huffed.
“What’s with your zipper, hyung?” Soobin fidgeted with the jeans and Yeonjun should have just worn a freaking jogging.
“It’s slightly complicated, I forgot.” Yeonjun sighed, “They have to justify the price of the jeans after all.” He joked, to which Soobin snorted in response. He reached himself to help his boyfriend, lightly pushing his hands away to unfasten the semi-complex button/zipper system of his designer jeans.
He ended up struggling as well, weirdly enough. He hadn’t had any trouble with it when he had put them on this morning but the rush of the situation was getting to him. After another minute of struggling, Soobin sighed.
“Wait, I have something that might help, beautiful.” Yeonjun almost snorted at the pet-name. He was anything but that rig–
Yeonjun’s thought was interrupted by Soobin reaching to the side of his bedside table.
Suddenly, a warm yellow light floods into the bedroom. Yeonjun startled at the harsh break from the darkness. The odd feeling grew a little more.
“I was sick of having to walk all the way to the end of the room to have light.” Soobin breathed with a small smile as he gestured to the admittedly beautiful tulips bouquet shaped lamp on the bedside table, “So I bought this three days ago. Isn’t it pretty?”
Yeonjun breathed out shakily, still shaken from arousal and something else, “Hum–Yeah, it really is.” He looked at Soobin, then at the lamp. The more he did the more anxiety grew. He had to focus on reigning down whatever was happening in his mind.
Soobin smiled obliviously before perking. “Now let’s take care of this zipper.” With the light on, it was easy for the younger to undo the buttons and the zipper of Yeonjun’s pants. “Let’s get back to business, shall we?” Soobin said dorkily with a triumphant smile.
Yeonjun nodded absentmindedly, his mind still elsewhere despite his smile. Wasn’t Soobin going to turn off the lamp? They never did things with the lights on. Never. He wasn’t used to–
Soobin excitedly kissed him, helping the older to distract himself from his train of thought.
Kissing was fine. Something still felt off, but his boyfriend’s lips felt amazing. It was enough.
Soobin clearly didn’t agree because after sharing more open-mouthed kisses, he pulled away to cup and squeeze the now hard bulge poking on Yeonjun’s jeans. Yeonjun let out a deep moan in response, his eyes closing. He chose to just let himself feel and maybe the feeling would go away on its own.
Soobin moved down and slowly peeled off the jeans from Yeonjun’s legs, the older letting him do it. He felt Soobin’s hand running through his bare thighs, through his boxer and Yeonjun sighed. It felt good. It did. His cock started twitching in raw attraction, pre-come leaking more and more with each touch. He momentarily opened his eyes to see Soobin worshiping him, kissing and biting his skin so tenderly it hurt.
Yeonjun tried to calm down and simply enjoy the sight.
God, his boyfriend was so beautiful. He had never met someone as gorgeous as Soobin. No matter what he was doing, he was always so pretty.
The ball of lead grew.
Soobin took his time leaving marks on Yeonjun thighs until finally his hand reached under Yeonjun’s briefs to wrap his cock, making the older whimper brokenly despite himself. He felt his face scrunch up entirely as he couldn’t control the delicious feeling of Soobin’s hand.
The younger kept on stroking him, while he was still busy adoring his body. Eventually, he did pull off his boxers and the contact of the cold air on his hard and sensitive member made Yeonjun arch his back in unprecedented pleasure. It felt even more incredible when Soobin pushed him down gently to take his tip in his mouth.
In that moment he forgot himself.
Just as he was ascending, he opened his eyes. It was his mistake, because as soon as they focused back from the blurriness of the tears welling up, he made eye contact with Soobin.
The ill feeling rushed entirely through his body. Oddness, anxiety, self-consciousne –
He didn’t finish his thought before he gasped and kneed Soobin’s chest in shock, making the younger pull away immediately to gasp out in pain.
“Oh my god, Soobin!” Yeonjun yelped as sat up to check on his boyfriend. His heart was pounding but he ignored it. He felt his body warm up but not for the same reasons as before. “Are you okay?!”
Soobin heaved and held on his chest as he tried to breathe correctly, “I–I’m fine. I just– What happened?”
Yeonjun froze as Soobin looked at him in confusion, a frown etched on his face.
The older breathed in and tears welled up way too quickly. “I’m sorry, Bin. I…”
He didn’t know how to finish his sentence without crying. He had never cried in front of Soobin before. Why would he?
The silence only deepened Soobin’s frown, this time in worry, “You…?”
Yeonjun hated this.
It shouldn’t have been like this.
“I– I need a moment.” He blurted out. He didn’t give Soobin the time to process that answer, he immediately untangled himself, pulled back on his brief and fast walked to Soobin’s bathroom to lock himself in.
“ Wh– Hyung?! ” Soobin asked through the door, sounding completely lost and now panicked. Yeonjun’s back was stuck to the door as he tried to control his now rapid breathing. He heard some rumbling coming from the bedroom, until he felt the doorknob being jumbled on.
“Hyung? What’s wrong?! You locked the door.” Soobin pressed as he knocked on the door and played with the doorknob again.
Yeonjun bit on his lip to keep himself from sobbing. He turned around only to be startled by his reflection on the round mirror that was displayed on the bathroom door. His face was red but not all over, only in deep red blotches that spread unprettily on his face. His nostril flared from how deep he was breathing. His hair was half-disheveled half-matted from the sweat that dripped on his forehead. Yeonjun’s stomach churned some more at the sight.
“I–I’m fine. I just need some. Some time. If that’s okay.” He struggled to explain. He himself didn’t understand what had happened.
“Do you need to use the bathroom?” Soobin asked smally.
Yeonjun groaned, “No. It’s not that… I just need some time, I said.”
He was met with silence. He knew that Soobin was likely very worried over that turn of events. It had never happened before after all.
Yet, he remained supportive, because Soobin was.. well, he was Soobin.
“... Okay, hyung.” Soobin hummed in defeat. “I’ll be waiting for you, then.”
“No!” Yeonjun stopped him, wincing at how desperate he sounded.
“... No?”
“No… You can go to sleep. I– I’ll just stay here for the night, if that’s fine.”
“... All night?” He sounded hurt now, “You’d rather spend the night in my bathroom rather than in the bed?”
The “ With me ” stayed silent but Yeonjun heard it loud and clear.
Yeonjun wanted to slam his head against the door. “Yes. I’ll just sleep… in the tub, I guess.”
More silence. Yeonjun understood.
“You really don’t want me to at least join you, hyung? Just for cuddles.”
Yeonjun sighed, “I just need some–”
“--Time, yeah.” Soobin cut him softly, not even sounding mad. Only worried, which made Yeonjun feel worse, “Well, at least let me give you a blanket and a pillow.”
Yeonjun knew the younger wouldn’t take no for an answer so he stayed silent as he heard shuffling from outside. His face was slowly coming back to its normal state and he felt himself calming down. After a while, Soobin knocked.
“Hyung? I left everything for you outside the door. I’ll wait in the living room for you to take everything.”
Yeonjun’s heart squeezed at the thoughtfulness of his boyfriend. He felt awful for doing this to him but he didn’t feel all that good about himself at the moment.
After he heard steps furthering, he unlocked the door and slowly opened it. The room was indeed empty. He looked down to see the blanket and two pillows but that wasn’t all.
Above the pillows, was a pink thermos with a sticky note that had ‘ Chamomile tea to help you sleep <3 ’ written on it. His heart skipped a beat at the attention.
Yeonjun took everything and closed the door, locking it again.
He actually knocked his head against the door after that.
2. Anger
“And then what happened?”
“Well,” Yeonjun huffed in between two uppercuts against the punching bag that Beomgyu had been holding for the better part of their boxing session, “I drank my tea and set up camp in the fucking bathtub.”
He bagged two other uppercuts with as much strength he could pack. He knew that it wouldn’t help with his stamina but he had a lot of frustration to externalize tonight.
“Dude.. that’s– not good.”
“Yeah,” two more punches, “I know.” he winced slightly as pain shot in his elbow from the way the second uppercut landed. He was too angry to make sure his posture was right.
Taehyun appeared behind Beomgyu’s figure just as he finished his thought.
“Careful with the way you place your arms, hyung.” He said as he studied Yeonjun’s next two uppercuts. Yeonjun barely registered the command, eyes still glaring at the invisible target he was beating on the punching bag.
“It’s fine.” He muttered childishly.
“Actually it’s not.” Taehyun chastised him, “You could get hurt.”
“Don’t bother Taehyunnie. He’s not listening.” Beomgyu sighed, “He’s currently visualizing his problem on that bag.”
Taehyun rolled his eyes, “So you had trouble performing. It happens to everyone, hyung.”
Yeonjun quickly switched from uppercuts to jabs as anger spiked through. “I didn't have trouble performing,” he hissed, “I just– I froze. That’s all.”
“You literally ran away, hyung.” Taehyun deadpanned, “That’s the opposite of freezing, if you ask me.”
A clear image of Soobin’s worried eyes on him as he held his chest appeared in the back of his mind.
Yeonjun jabbed thrice this time and hissed. “Whatever.”
He jabbed for some more time, Taehyun quietly guiding him to make sure he wasn’t doing something dumb, while Beomgyu held on the punching bag.
After some time Taehyun sighed, “You know, Soobin is worried.”
“I know, Taehyun.” Yeonjun huffed out after a particularly strong hook. That's all he could say at the moment.
“He doesn’t understand what happened.”
“Me fucking neither.” Yeonjun bite back, finally stopping glaring at his target to focus his seething gaze on his friend.
Taehyun looked unimpressed, as usual which made Yeonjun want to pull his hair. Except he had these stupid gloves on.
“Well, maybe you should talk to–”
“I know, I know, I know !” Yeonjun cried louder and louder in frustration. He knew that most people around them were now looking at him like he was crazy.
He deserved it. He was going crazy. He truly was. Everytime he pictured Soobin’s face he lost one more shred of sanity.
He forcefully took his gloves off and once he childishly threw them away he sighed.
“Sorry.” He muttered sincerely. Taehyun’s unimpressed expression morphed into something softer. Beomgyu was by his side in seconds, his own face read worry but a little bit of amusement.
“It’s fine,” Taehyun smiled slightly. “Let’s call it a night. I am done with my own boxing practice anyways. How about we go eat something?”
“...Yes, please.”
***
Yeonjun wolfed down his pizza like he hadn’t eaten in three years. It kinda felt like that. His stomach was constantly churning since that night with Soobin. It had been a week or so and they had exchanged some texts but nothing more. Soobin left him some space and although he appreciated it, it had also left Yeonjun with his thoughts for too long. And he was angry.
“So will you tell us what went on?” Taehyun said after finishing chewing his pepperoni pizza slice. They had relocated in his dorm room he was sharing with Huening Kai who was away for the weekend. Taehyun had ordered pizzas right away and they were now sharing them on the makeshift floor table while they sat on the floor.
Well, sharing wasn’t exactly the right word. Taehyun and Beomgyu shared their own pizza while Yeonjun had taken his own because he had a hole in heart to fill. Beomgu’s words.
“I don’t know. I think I have psychological issues.” Yeonjun muttered.
“Yes, that has been established.” Beomgyu hummed.
“No but seriously,” his free hand formed a fist, “I actually pushed him away and kinda hurt him in the way because of what happened.”
“He’s okay. You startled him more than anything. But he’s confused.” Taheyun explained. Soobin was his best friend after all, so to the same title that Beomgyu knew everything, Taehyun had talked over everything with Soobin. Their friend group was close enough that Yeonjun felt safe confiding in him too.
Taehyun also loved to analyze his friends since he was a psychology minor.
“Okay, just… guide us through what you were thinking when everything went down. It might help.” Taehyun suggested after taking another slice.
Yeonjun took a breath and tried to focus. He was still trying to reign down on his anger. He knew it wasn’t productive to feel that at the moment.
“So we were just doing our business…” He started, trying to remember it without grossing everyone out. “You know. Just making out basically.”
“On his bed, right?”
“Yeah. I mean, we started on his couch but relocated to the bedroom just to be comfortable. We entered and I was on top of him and we made out for a while.”
“And how did it feel?” Taehyun asked . Beomgyu snorted at the seriousness of his tone but Taehyun elbowed him into shutting up.
“It felt good. Comfortable and safe. I mean I love kissing him.”
“So, so far you didn’t feel anything but comfort? Nothing else?”
Yeonjun stopped himself from directly answering. He did feel anxiety before the actual freezing happened.
“That feeling had come back. You know the one I’d talk to you about Gyu. It’s like a ball of lead that was lodged in my throat. Like a sense of dread.” Even thinking about it frustrated him. He grabbed a napkin to scrunch it, because he didn’t want to pass his anger on his pizza slice.
“Do you feel this often?”
“... Only when we have sex or are about to have sex, I guess.” Yeonjun admitted. “I usually try to reign it down and focus on enjoying my time with Soobin. He’s so good to me. I don't want my own anxiety getting in the way of our intimate time together.”
“... But this time it did.” Beomgyu concluded, now invested in the matter, “What changed?”
Yeonju tried to think about it and it was obvious. He had tried to ignore it like the feeling itself but something obvious had changed.
“Something was different… And it’s so dumb, I swear. Ugh, I hate myself.”
“Hey, hey! No talking like that!” Beomgyu scolded the older, “It’s not stupid if you reacted like that, hyung.”
“Oh but it is. Because the only difference was.. that lamp.” Yeonjun sighed.
“... A lamp?”
“You mean the tulip lamp that Soobin bought at the flea market?” Taehyun and Beomgyu raised a brow in unison, clearly looking confused.
“Yes. He turned it on at some point because we couldn’t figure out how to open my zipper from my jeans.” Yeonjun explained vaguely, feeling more and more shame.
Beomgyu tsked, “Were you wearing your Miu Miu jeans? I told you that these were too much, hyung. But you never listen to me, so of course you had a wardrobe malfunction.”
“I would rather have a wardrobe malfunction because of a complicated zipper than being a walking fashion disaster everyday!” Yeonjun scoffed at his best friend, “I mean, damn Gyu, how many flannel shirts does a guy need to own!”
“You bitch –”
“Guys, cut it out!” Taehyun scolded the two men-child, “We’re working here!”
“He started it!” Beomgyu pouted childishly.
“I said stop! Hyung, keep going!” Taehyun hissed at the dirty blond haired man. When the younger looked even more offended, Taehyun rolled his eyes and pushed the last slice of pizza towards him as a silent apology. Beomgyu blinked in surprise but accepted it. Yeonjun decided to ignore the way his best friend’s neck reddened at the gesture.
“Anyways…” Yeonjun continued, “He turned it on and after that, the ill-feeling grew in ten folds. I think it was the fact that we could see each other.” He remembered the shivers he felt as soon as the light exposed him.
“So… It’s because you like fucking in the dark?” Beomgyu deduced crudely, “Why didn’t you just say it earlier.”
“It’s more than that, isn’t it?” Taheun guessed right, eyes soft.
“I felt… exposed? I didn’t like it.”
“So it might be about your body?” Taehyun asked gently.
“No, I feel confident in my body. I mean at first I was nervous but I got used to it.” Yeonjun thought out loud, “No it was something else.”
Anger overtook him again at the same time as his realization. Frustration towards himself for feeling this dumb.
“It was my face,” he finally admitted.
Then he slammed his head against the table, maybe a little too violently but he deserved it. He was a shallow piece of shit.
“No, you aren’t.” Taehyun sighed at his commentary he had apparently said out loud.
“For fuck’s sake, Taehyun!” Yeonjun spat against the table, “I am insecure of the face I make when I have sex with my boyfriend!’“
“So many people have that same predicament though, hyung.” Beomgyu argued, to which Yeonjun scoffed.
“Many people are so self-centered but also self-conscious that the idea of their boyfriend seing them being ugly while they have sex repulse them enough to accidently hurt him?!” Yeonjun laughed bitterly. “You cannot tell me that it isn’t shallow-piece-of-shit behavior!”
“The world is full of people with insecurities, hyung. It’s part of being human.” Taehyun rationalized.
“Not me though! I can’t be insecure!” Yeonjun rose up from his spot to cry out loud. “I just can’t.”
“And why the hell not?!” Taehyun’s voice rose in disbelief.
“Because I’m supposed to be… I don’t know. Perfect? Not like other people?”
“Why would you think that?” Taehyun scoffed incredulously.
Beomgyu remained silent, which was enough of a tell to know that he understood where Yeonjun was coming from.
“Listen, I am not complaining but… I grew up surrounded by people who praised me. Every time I did something it was under the scrutiny of my peers and I was always appreciated by and appreciated people back for that. I am so grateful for being this lucky, I am. But it also–”
He stopped mid sentence, unable to admit it.
So Beomgyu finished for him.
“It also came with pressure from people around him. Like extreme pressure…”
And just like that, Yeonjun felt a knot of tension that was surrounding his core unrelease. As he came to the conclusion he’d been dreading for years.
Beomgyu sighed, finally choosing to break his silence.
“I always was scared it would get to you.” He shook his head, “I mean, I treated you normally but others didn’t and it was still positive attention so I tried to not think much of it. but I guess it was unavoidable.” He turned to Taehyun that looked lost, “When people expect perfection from you and don't allow any mistakes, it festers your mind and even if I think hyung didn’t let it get to him for a while, the ugly feeling of pressure always comes back one way or the other.” It was like he read Yeonjun’s mind.
“In the most ridiculous way, too. I’m insecure about my face while having sex, god damn it.” Yeonjun wanted to crawl in a hole in shame.
“I mean, I’m sure it started somewhere else, it cannot be only it. You must have felt insecure before but you just reigned down that feeling because–”
“Because you feel you shouldn’t feel insecure.” Taehyun finished, seeming to finally understand.
“I am literally the most dramatic human being on earth.” Yeonjun cried out, “I am having a crisis because I am truly feeling insecure for the first time in my life. How shallow am I? There’s some people that have to deal with being self-conscious everyday and I am lucky enough to only feel it when I have sex, but here I am two seconds away from punching a hole in that table from frustration.”
“Okay, first of all, don’t you dare touch that table. My dad made it for Kai and I.” Taehyun deadpanned, “Seconds of all, if anything it makes you human to feel that. I mean, before he met you, Kai thought you were actually an angel sent on us to humble us humans. He used to say that.”
That did make Yeonjun pause in his internal crisis, “Oh that’s…”
“Ridiculous, I know. But that’s just the aura you were giving from an external point of view. Then we got to know you and you were… So imperfect .”
Yeonjun blinked, but Taehyun wasn't done, “You’re a sloppy drunk, way too clingy, You dance even when it’s not called for.”
Beomgyu piled on, “You’re loud and you and Soobin hyung cannot keep your hands to each other.”
“When you laugh too much, you snort like a pig, don’t think we didn’t notice.”
“You also whine too much and are unable to get respected by your dongsaengs.”
“And whose fault is tha–”
“Anyways ! All that to say that these are not qualities hyung. You’re a human being. And it’s okay.”
It wasn’t okay though. Yeonjun didn’t want to be like this. He had a wonderful boyfriend who already respected and loved him so much for what he was. He didn’t want to add more to their relationship’s load. Soobin didn’t deserve to be with someone who was that shallow and insecure. He was so wonderful.
“I’ll just fix it on my own.” Yeonjun decided, after some thought.
“How exactly?” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow skeptically. He knew his best friend too well.
“I’ll just figure something out to stop being like that.”
“I don't know if that’s a good–”
“I have to go.” Yeonjun rose from his position, taking his gym bag quickly, “Thank you so much for everything guys.” he said sincerely.
“Are you su–”
“I am ! Thanks. I’ll see you!” he said before taking his shoes in his hand and quickly exiting the room, determined.