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the autumn night, when everything dies beautifully some people still choose to be alive.
Inupi loves moments like this. He really does, sitting under warm blanket with his wonderfull lover, favourite tea and some stupid comedy that they weren't paying attention to. He couldn't ask for more. On evenings like this they have this cute habit to talk with each other about stuff that happened, explain their feelings, why they did what they did. Since the final battle when they screamed their feelings at each other's face they promised to talk about what they feel on a regular basis. It was awkward at first but with time it really improved their relationship.
"So, any trauma you want to share with me today Koko." Inupi chuckled.
Koko smirked at him trying not to laugh.
"Yep, let's start our group therapy. Sadly our little listeners are sleeping so we won’t get as many members as we usually do." He looks at their lovely dog and cat. Inupi always thought that they match their energy, and maybe but just maybe that their black cat, named Kiwi, looks like Koko. But his gorgeous partner doesn't have to know about it, for his own good for sure.
"Maybe it’s better this way dear. I don’t want to make our trauma pass on to them. Kinda hope they're in very deep sleep" He couldn't stop his smile.
"So true, love. So true. We shouldn't traumatize our kids." This time Koko doesn't even try to stop laughing. "Come here stupid." He opens his arm to invite Inupi. He gladly accepts it and moves to lay on Koko. Hajime wraps his arm around Inupi's chest and kisses his temple.
Blond one hears Koko sighs and turns his head to look at his partner's face.
"So? What happened?" He gets a little worried.
Hajime puts his cheek on Inupi’s forehead.
"You know how we always talk about how our childhood affected me." His partner nods. "Some days ago a thought came into my head and I started to think more and more. I wasn’t sure if I should ask ‘cause maybe you're just not ready. Then I realize that If you’re not ready you’ll tell me just the way we promised." He smiled gently.
"Okay, I’m not sure if I'm more excited or scared, what was your tormenting thought then?" This time Koko was the one to chuckle
"Oh well as you can see, I don’t know either if I'm more excited or scared as well"
"I can say you're scared Koko, but the floor is yours. I'm not gonna interrupt you as long as you’re not done with talking." Inupi put a little kiss on Koko’s nose just to give him some mental support.
His black eyes shine a little and he sends Inupi a soft smile. Koko takes a deep breath and start the monologue.
"So you know that the most traumatic experience we both probably had is losing Akane. We were way too young and she was as well, of course. As I told you many times, I do not regret saving you. I'm upset I couldn't save both of you." Inupi frowned. "Yes, yes I know dear. It’s not my fault I was just a kid and the fact that I decided to run into a burning building to save anyone makes me a hero but it still upsets me." He sighs. "I was always thinking about how much it affected me but now I realise how selfish and stupid I was. I lost someone really close to me. We both know I suffered, yes there is no doubt but." He looks directly in Inupi’s eyes with this sad and guilty look. "Before I never thought about the fact that YOU lost your damn sister there. You were the one that was in this damn building." Every word coming from Koko’s mouth was filled with pain more and more. Inupi caught his hands tightly and smiled.
"Deep breath Koko, remember." Hajime smiled at Inupi trying to calm down his breath.
"I was just wondering why I never saw you complain about the lost, I’m not even sure If I ever saw you crying." Koko's look was full of sadness. Inupi feels like his heart is breaking.
"I’m okay Koko. You don't need to worry." He answered.
This time Koko was the one to frown.
"Don’t tell me this bullshit now Inui. She was your sister and even I won’t believe you’re just ‘’okay’’ with her death and everything that happened there." His voice was firm.
"Listen, Kok-" Inupi tried to start but he got interrupted.
"No, you listen I won’t take any ‘’I am okay’’ or ‘’don’t worry’’ bullshit just so we can talk about me again." He sighs."Inupi look, I love you more than anything and I just want to help you as much as you help me. I was selfish and I want to fix it but you need to let me do it and let everything you feel or even feel out" He connects their foreheads together.
- I don’t even know where to start Koko – Inupi laughs nervously – You know It was ages ago. I think I wanted to make everyone believe I’m okay so bad that I believed it myself. Of course I remember how I felt. I just don’t think there’s a point in helping me. Before you get angry I don't mean it generally but in this situation there’s no point 'cause look at me now, I’m happy – he smiles and looks away but Koko grabs his face in his hands.
"Inui if you don't want to talk, tell me I will accept it but you can’t just leave such horrible stuff to yourself. The fact that you are happy doesn’t mean that you don’t need help. You can be healthier and be happier only with yourself and without everyone around you." He sends him a soft but sad smile.
There was silent. Inupi's brain was burning trying to think how he could control and get all this mess right.
"Okay. So maybe this way." He takes a deep breath and starts. "When I was the one that, you know..made it alive and I saw this pain in your eyes when you saw me and realized I'm not Akane, I know now you’re happy you saved me but back then this look made me realize I am the wrong one. Not only you, Koko. Akane was the favorite child of my family, parents, Grandparents, Cousins, everyone. Everyone loved her but I made it alive and I felt like I wasn’t welcome anywhere." He felt this burning pain in chest as he had felt when all things he was talking about happened.
"‘Cause I already was a mistake, I couldn't let anyone worry about me more. I needed to take care of myself - because no one else wanted, and everyone just so I could pay them back for staying alive" He laughed but the laugh was full of pain. Koko can’t take it."Sometimes I even blamed you for not saving her. I felt like I shouldn't be alive. That she deserved it more and how could you ever mistake us? But actually I just blamed myself, hated myself even more and more everyday." Inupi didn’t realize when tears started to fall down his face. "I saw everyone going crazy and It just felt insane. Was it ‘because of me? I even started to wish I was dead as well but then I realized it will only be more troublesome and I think that was the only reason back then why I didn't try to kill myself, you know? Now I see that my brain tried to save me, find any, even the most stupid reason why I should stay alive."
Koko gasped and stroked his hand soothingly.
"So I decided to, you know, cover this up. Not only self blame and hatred. But also the fact that I lost my sister itself. I was a brat and I was always arguing with her. Sometimes I feel like I had way too little time to love her the way I could. But I do love her anyway. And it hurt. No, it still hurts. Even though we weren't so close, we spent a lot of time together and just like every other kid I missed my sister." He took one of the tissues that was on the table to clean his nose.
"But as I said. I covered this up. Calm down everyone, act like I don't really care and stuff. After some time I got so into this that I guess I believed it myself, you know? And this scared me. I was afraid of myself. I thought I was a monster but the worst is I thought my heart, my damn heart betrayed me." He laughed in pain again and then he felt a warm, tight hug. Of course it was Koko. He didn’t say anything, just hugged him. Inupi didn’t blame him, he wouldn't know what to say either so he just relaxed and let himself cry as much as he needed. As much as he never did since that day.
"Inui I love you so much you can't even imagine. You never, EVER were a mistake to me." He tells him softly. "I know I can’t time travel and fix things, I fucked up so bad but now I will never let anyone hurt you again. I promise. Thank you for telling me this, love." He smiled softly.
"Thank you for saving me Koko, I’m glad to be alive. I’m sure she would be happy to see me like this." Inupi says, showing him the softest and the most beautiful smile Koko has ever seen.
"I'm really glad to hear that." Said Hajime before kissing his boyfriend.
Both of them have many more memories they should talk about. Now it's only the beginning. They promised to work on this together and they will. But for now they just need rest, soft kisses, and love.