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Saturn.
That was all that played around him.
The sadness consumed him entirely; not letting him leave his bed to do anything other than use the bathroom, even though that was a struggle.
The lyrics finally started after almost three minutes of the instrumental part.
You taught me the courage of the stars before you left
He starts to cry even harder hearing these first lyrics, wishing he was numb from all the pain that was built up inside him. He felt like his body was an inescapable box and inside of it was the worst pain, depression, and sense of guilt ever.
How light carries on endlessly even after death
It didn’t feel that way to him. His whole life felt like it came to a hold. What else was there for him to live for if she was gone? The woman who believed in him even when he himself did not. When everyone turned their backs on him, he felt she was the only one that never doubted him.
His dear, dear sister. That seemed like an understatement. She was the mother figure he never had and would probably never have again; his entire world. She took better care of him than anyone ever has. Now that she was gone, what was there for him in this world?
With shortness of breath you explained the infinite
The memories played like a movie in his mind. The times where he would cry on her lap cause he didn’t understand why he was so different from everyone, why no one liked him. She would make him feel better by just being there and listening. Sharing her comforting words and wisdom; she always made it seem like things would get better.
How rare and beautiful it is to even exist
The only one who made him feel seen, is forever gone. And now, he feels like nothing. Less than nothing.
I couldn’t help but ask
For you to say it all again
I tried to write it down
But I could never find a pen
All the things he learned from her, he knew he would never remember them all; though he hoped he did. Every passing day he wished he took notes on every word she had uttered. Though when he thought about it, a recording would have been better. Her exact words, hearing her voice, would be worth more to him than gold. Even though she hasn’t been gone long, he can feel the memories of their old conversations, and some of her amazingly meaningful words slipping from his memory; that scared him to no end.
And with tears running down his face, blurring his vision no matter how hard he blinked or rubbed at his eyes, he sang all his love and sadness into the next line, “I’d give anything to hear, you say it one more time. That the universe was made, just to be seen by my eyes.”
It was barely coherent, and he wasn’t able to sing the rest of it, but he felt the lyrics to his core.
Though it broke his heart to listen, this is the only song he knew that could describe exactly how he felt. It also helped, but kind of made it worse, that this was one of her favorite songs. This was as close as he could get to comfort without her here.
He misses her so much. Not one could ever compare to, or replace her. She came first before everyone and now, he would never see her, or have a conversation with her again.
As he went to sleep from the exhaustion of crying, the last of the song played, forcing out the last tears he had left to cry.
I couldn’t help but ask
For you to say it all again
I tried to write it down
But I could never find a pen
I’d give anything to hear
You say it one more time
That universe was made
Just to be seen by my eyes
With shortness of breath, I’ll explain the infinite
How rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist