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dehumidifierdepot: omg u guise another piece of evidence to add to the pile
destieltilidie: what. what happened.
blacknight: TELL ME HE OWNED UP TO IT
blacknight: I HAVE THIS MONTH IN THE POOL AND I DO NOT WANT TO LOSE THAT TENNER
dehumidifierdepot: you think he actually said it outright and i just decided to preface that with “another piece of evidence”
dehumidifierdepot: he says it outright and you people are getting nothing but capslock for a week straight
dehumidifierdepot: come on now
blacknight: so fucking TELL US, JESUS CHRIST
dehumidifierdepot: well now it feels kinda underwhelming
destieltilidie: anything would after that.
destieltilidie: new rule: if he comes out and says it outright we have to lead with that.
dehumidifierdepot: fine
blacknight: fine whatever get ON WITH IT
dehumidifierdepot: okay i’m gonna start by saying i cannot reveal my source on this, i have been sworn to secrecy
dehumidifierdepot: but i trust the source 100%
destieltilidie: you are not filling me with confidence, erin.
dehumidifierdepot: okay i may have overstated things somewhat when i said it was another piece of evidence
dehumidifierdepot: but apparently when he talks in his sleep sometimes it’s in middle english
blacknight: erin i fucking hate you
blacknight: that is not evidence
blacknight: that is barely anything
queenbiro: i bet when daniel jackson talked in his sleep it was in abydonian
queenbiro: all that means is he knows the language well
blacknight: DANIEL JACKSON IS FICTIONAL
queenbiro: and we’re discussing whether one of our professors is an otherworldly being
queenbiro: or an immortal
queenbiro: or a glitch in the fucking matrix
queenbiro: what’s your goddamn point
destieltilidie: cryptid! the word is cryptid!
queenbiro: i refuse to say cryptid
queenbiro: that makes it sound like you think he’s nessie
queenbiro: or a chupacabra
queenbiro: or bigfoot
xenonprince: he does have decently large feet you know
queenbiro: the hell does “decently large” mean?
queenbiro: do you have a standard he’s barely living up to or what?
blacknight: THE POINT IS
blacknight: erin got our hopes up and then dashed them on the ground, she can be the one to update the file
blacknight: this is my decree, this is how it is
dehumidifierdepot: the fuck do you mean, decree
dehumidifierdepot: did you get crowned when i wasn’t looking helen
dehumidifierdepot: did you get crowned and *not invite me* helen
blacknight: fine, whatever, i want you to be the one to update the file because i can’t be bothered, happy now
blacknight: i’ll even do it for you if you promise to pay my tab next time we go out drinking
dehumidifierdepot: no fucking way, i’ll update it myself
xenonprince: okay so this isn’t quite evidence, i just wanted to share because it was amazing and i wish i’d filmed it
xenonprince: five solid minutes of dunking on elon musk today
destieltilidie: like in class?
xenonprince: yeah he’d printed some article out and taped it on the board
xenonprince: and then it was like he’d been saving up all this ELON SUX just for us or something
xenonprince: including the damage he’s doing to the world’s space program as a whole, and then like. he started talking about the moon landing?
xenonprince: and what it felt like *to watch people land on the moon*
xenonprince: “do you know how amazing it was to see humans landing on the surface of another world?”
xenonprince: and then someone who likes to speak up but who may or may not have an actual name said “do *you* know, professor, there’s no way you’re old enough to remember that”
xenonprince: and he just looked super-alarmed for a second and then said “i’m older than i look. anyway”
blacknight: how the hell is that not evidence
blacknight: that is ABSOLUTELY evidence
destieltilidie: do you think maybe if we put you and erin in a blender and then put the mush we got out of it into two people molds the people we’d get out of it would be able to accurately judge this kind of thing?
destieltilidie: i don’t have a people-sized blender or anything, i’m just curious.
xenonprince: you horrify me
destieltilidie: it’s an interesting thought experiment!
xenonprince: horseshit
xenonprince: it’s a way to insult me *and* threaten me at the same time
dehumidifierdepot: it can be both of those and an interesting thought experiment too
dehumidifierdepot: not mutually exclusive
xenonprince: did not expect you to side with the person contemplating putting you in a blender, erin
dehumidifierdepot: who says i’m siding with her
dehumidifierdepot: i am absolutely not siding with her
dehumidifierdepot: i just felt compelled to point it out
blacknight: you just like saying “mutually exclusive”
spacenarwhal: did we ever establish how old he is if he is actually a mere mortal? i can’t remember.
spacenarwhal: although that could also be the migraine. difficult to say.
xenonprince: take your migraine medication!!!
spacenarwhal: but what if it just goes away on its own in a few minutes?
xenonprince: jelly
xenonprince: take your goddamn migraine medication
xenonprince: i will break into your room and make you take it if i have to
xenonprince: i know how to get pills into unwilling animals, humans are no different
spacenarwhal: now who’s horrifying, ames.
spacenarwhal: hint: it’s you.
spacenarwhal: it’s absolutely you. zero question.
destieltilidie: to answer your question, jel, i think mid-thirties to early forties. approximately.
destieltilidie: although that assessment was made like eight years ago i think.
destieltilidie: so speaking practically it would be early to late forties.
destieltilidie: assuming he ages like a regular human.
spacenarwhal: yes, assuming he ages like a regular human, that’s what i meant by “mere mortal”.
spacenarwhal: how much can whoever it was that made the initial assessment be trusted though?
spacenarwhal: like is it someone who’s good with that shit or is it someone who’d look at me and go “... you’re probably somewhere between your teenage years and menopause”?
dehumidifierdepot: that is oddly specific wording there
spacenarwhal: okay but look. it’s a serious question.
spacenarwhal: because if he is, in fact, just an ordinary human man that it turns out we’re all being profoundly weird about, he’d have to be, what.
spacenarwhal: 52 to have even been alive for the moon landing.
dehumidifierdepot: jelly who hurt you
dehumidifierdepot: were you insulted by a sideshow barker when you visited your cousin in virginia last year
spacenarwhal: to actually *remember* the moon landing that goes up to like 55.
spacenarwhal: for the moon landing to actually have had that much significance, we’re getting to like …
spacenarwhal: i’d say sixties, at least.
blacknight: that’s an idea, alex, we should import one of those dudes and see how old HE thinks professor gadling is
blacknight: close as we’re gonna get to a professional at this
queenbiro: helen!
queenbiro: what have we said about plausible deniability!
queenbiro: okay who’s got the file right now
queenbiro: one more anti-slavery rant on the list
destieltilidie: i do, somehow.
destieltilidie: how many minutes? do you remember?
xenonprince: eight
xenonprince: also idk if it counts but there were like three wholly unnecessary digs at shakespeare in there too
xenonprince: but it wasn’t *about* shakespeare
destieltilidie: i’ll just add a note, that’s fine.
destieltilidie: i don’t want to put the same rant on both lists, that’ll just cancel itself out.
destieltilidie: also, pen, since when are you in one of his classes this term, i thought you were all hard sciences for the moment.
queenbiro: i am
queenbiro: i also wanted so badly not to go to my engineering lecture today
queenbiro: so i decided to crash ames’s class instead and poke her in the side every three minutes just to see what she’d do
spacenarwhal: …
spacenarwhal: what *did* she do, out of curiosity?
xenonprince: took away every single writing implement she poked me with
xenonprince: then she just started poking me with her fingers instead
xenonprince: i may have started poking back at one point
xenonprince: but i admit to nothing
queenbiro: i’m gonna bruise, what is this “may have”
xenonprince: at no point did i poke you hard enough to bruise
xenonprince: you’re such a drama queen, good god
xenonprince: also uh
xenonprince: speaking of may haves
xenonprince: he may have given us a Look
queenbiro: from which i am still recovering, i need to take the opportunity to say
queenbiro: somehow i’d forgot what it was like to be on the receiving end of those
destieltilidie: for posterity, was there anything that set it off?
xenonprince: uhhh
xenonprince: existence, as far as i can tell
spacenarwhal: does metaphorically sucking chaucer’s dick count as an anti-shakespeare rant, or…?
blacknight: is there a metaphorical money shot
dehumidifierdepot: jesus fuck
blacknight: i’m not the one who started the metaphor
blacknight: don’t put that shit on me
xenonprince: why are you even asking, what did i miss, i haven’t even missed class this week
spacenarwhal: okay, apologies, i haven’t actually witnessed anything yet.
queenbiro: you’re a disgrace of a war boy, jel
spacenarwhal: but ford reminded us that he’s gonna be in class next week for the out loud thing.
spacenarwhal: and i want to be prepared for when it happens.
spacenarwhal: i like to be prepared!
destieltilidie: i still have the file.
destieltilidie: if you want i can just sit in on it to judge for myself.
destieltilidie: unless you think that would be too conspicuous.
spacenarwhal: nah, shouldn’t be a problem.
spacenarwhal: if i remember right from last year, there’s usually some one-time drop-ins.
blacknight: i’m gonna make a sex joke out of that
blacknight: just give me some time
xenonprince: speaking of one-time drop-ins
xenonprince: (two days later, whatever)
xenonprince: this emo kid i’ve never seen before in my LIFE showed up in class today
xenonprince: he had absolutely nothing with him
xenonprince: he just spent the entire lecture staring at the professor
dehumidifierdepot: wait is that who i saw him walking with today???
dehumidifierdepot: i was wondering
xenonprince: what do you mean walking
xenonprince: walking where
xenonprince: i couldn’t stick around and see what happened and now i’m annoyed
dehumidifierdepot: thin, pale, dressed in all black, big fluffy black hair?
xenonprince: that’s redundant, i said emo already
spacenarwhal: emo can mean a lot of things, ames.
spacenarwhal: don’t act like i haven’t seen pictures of you at fifteen.
xenonprince: I SHOWED YOU THOSE IN CONFIDENCE
dehumidifierdepot: well then yes i saw them walking together
dehumidifierdepot: looked like they were walking to the professor’s office
spacenarwhal: IS THAT WHO IT WAS WALKING OUT OF HIS OFFICE
xenonprince: what
destieltilidie: WHAT
blacknight: WHATTTT
spacenarwhal: he had office hours today and i needed to talk to him!
spacenarwhal: but it was like five minutes past when they were supposed to start and his door was still closed.
xenonprince: tell me you’re not in the same class i am and i’ve missed you this entire time
xenonprince: tell me pen didn’t also manage to miss you
spacenarwhal: no i am not in the same class as you.
spacenarwhal: although uh. you know that’s not the only class he’s teaching this term, right?
xenonprince: shut up
xenonprince: there’s no way you’ve had class with him this entire term and had nothing to report, evidence or otherwise
spacenarwhal: ford suggested i go talk to him about the paper i’ve been trying to write for a while now. historical context of the literature.
spacenarwhal: may i continue to the relevant bits now, please?
dehumidifierdepot: please
dehumidifierdepot: by all means
spacenarwhal: ANYWAY
spacenarwhal: when the door opened someone walked out of his office and down the hall.
spacenarwhal: emo probably isn’t a bad way to describe him.
spacenarwhal: and i was trying to apologise for interrupting at the time, but holy fuck the professor had some serious hearteyes for a few seconds after whoever it was left.
blacknight: so when you were apologising for interrupting
blacknight: you were apologising for INTERRUPTING
blacknight: jelly, mild-mannered student by morning, cockblocker extraordinaire by afternoon
destieltilidie: erin, you’re the one with the file now, right?
destieltilidie: because i feel like this should go in there somewhere.
destieltilidie: for. posterity.
spacenarwhal: i thought you said you had it!
spacenarwhal: you were gonna sit in to judge yourself!
destieltilidie: erin has it now, i had my dates mixed up.
destieltilidie: and i have a group project meeting i have to go to on tuesday anyway so i can’t.
destieltilidie: it might actually kill me. i would definitely enjoy hearing the professor reading chaucer a lot more.
dehumidifierdepot: what do you want me to put, “hypothesis: he has a type and it’s emo twinks”
dehumidifierdepot: because one person does not a type make
dehumidifierdepot: i feel compelled to mention
destieltilidie: i don’t know. sure. whatever. i just feel like this is worth noting for whoever gets the file after us.
blacknight: you think future students are going to care
blacknight: that a professor has a type
dehumidifierdepot: potential type
destieltilidie: i don’t fucking know!!! i’ll owe you one, how’s that.
spacenarwhal: okay, it’s official, emo twink is absolutely his type.
queenbiro: elaborate
queenbiro: what the fuck do you mean
spacenarwhal: i have literally never seen this man in this good a mood.
spacenarwhal: ever.
xenonprince: he’s usually in a good mood
xenonprince: expand
spacenarwhal: look it’s hard to explain!
spacenarwhal: i just swear he actually giggled once or twice today.
destieltilidie: ah, the sweet taste of vindication.
spacenarwhal: uh. also.
spacenarwhal: when class was over.
spacenarwhal: i happened to leave just about the same time he did.
spacenarwhal: and that exact same emo twink was *waiting for him*
blacknight: YOU COULDN’T HAVE LED WITH THAT
blacknight: all of you people i swear to fucking GOD
queenbiro: waiting for him like what
spacenarwhal: waiting for him like. in the hallway, arms crossed over his chest, one foot propped up on the wall behind him with his knee bent.
spacenarwhal: also when the professor walked through the door i swear the twink’s face fucking LIT. UP.
dehumidifierdepot: awww
spacenarwhal: i was trying not to linger too obviously, but.
spacenarwhal: i did see the professor offer his arm to the twink before they walked off.
spacenarwhal: and then they walked down the hallway, arm in arm.
dehumidifierdepot: okay, i concede, whatever
dehumidifierdepot: still doesn’t answer the question of what the fuck the professor is
blacknight: getting laid tonight
blacknight: that’s what he is