Work Text:
“it doesn’t look that bad, hyunjin-ah!”
“felix,” the person in question sighs heavily. “i’m pretty sure it looks worse than what you’re saying.”
jeongin tenses from the words. it pierces something sharp and painful in his chest, and honestly, he deserves it. if anything, he would not be surprised if it really was meant for him to hear in the first place.
taking a chance, jeongin turns his head enough to see his two other members. his gaze bounces from felix restless hands, fingertips running along his left ring finger, to hyunjin’s irked expression. it’s a look that jeongin rarely sees both on and off camera; it mostly makes an appearance during the mornings, waking up with exhaustion clinging to the dancer. but it really is something jeongin tries to avoid being the cause of.
sadly, jeongin knows he is one of—if not, the main reason—why hyunjin is acting as such.
skz code shoot days are always chaotic. fun, but chaotic.
today isn’t any different even if they were in an indoor location, containing a spacious kitchen and multiple rooms with various use for the production crew and their staff. even if cooking is not his strong suit, jeongin was excited to do more content like this as a complete group. spinning wheels, irregular ingredients, silly instructions, and teasing banter galore; it’s the perfect recipe for yet another experience jeongin, his members, and stays would love.
everything went swimmingly throughout the day until it came down to shooting the last segment.
now jeongin is very close to his hyungs; the eight of them are brothers beyond blood, fated to be together during this lifetime. so whenever they do punishments for games, everyone knows that it’s all for fun and in the name of entertainment. although things may be taken personally during certain moments, it would tide over and be better after a serious talk.
of course, jeongin still had the capacity to fuck it up at the very end.
jeongin remembers every single regret he did during that one moment: the loud thump his fingers caused that ricocheted off hyunjin’s forehead, his boisterous reaction after, and the smile that for some godforsaken reason stayed on his face even when he saw hyunjin trying to hold in expletives, tears, or both.
the worst thing he did? not bothering to ask if his favorite hyung was okay once everything finished. not after his finger flick, not when chan and felix apologized through a shared embrace, and not even when the group said their thanks to the crew before heading to their waiting room to get ready to go home.
jeongin didn’t say much other than pointing out how red hyunjin’s forehead was during the shoot—still is, based from felix’s poor assurance just now—and the guilt hasn’t left ever since.
the remorse sits with him on a leathery couch, his phone loosely clutched in his hand as a mediocre excuse to not approach hyunjin yet.
the thing is, he already knows what he needs to do: take his hyung aside, list down all the things he did wrong, apologize a thousand times, and smother hyunjin with love a thousand times more.
this is what happens instead:
jeongin stays rooted in place, watches hyunjin in the corner of his eyes—prodding at his own forehead, and jeongin winces whenever the older does—goes back and forth in his mind to build up the courage to talk to his boyfriend, before ultimately getting interrupted by their manager rounding up all the members to head into their designated cars for the journey home.
sighing, jeongin obeys as his knees crack and muscles protest from soreness. his sluggish steps lead him out the door just a few paces behind jisung and changbin engaged in some conversation about a track in progress. jeongin zones out immediately, his mind drifting back to the idea of resigning himself to being the worst boyfriend ever; harsh but it’s currently the most accurate description.
but fortunately, he gets an epiphany. a jolt of hope, a moment of clarity.
right before the group splits into two, jeongin grabs jisung by the elbow, steadying the older when he stumbles a bit. the rapper looks back with an eyebrow raised, a silent question in his eyes.
“hyung,” jeongin bites his lip, a habit based on nerves. “exchange?”
he watches jisung smile softly, and jeongin internally sighs in relief. the not-so-secret code shared within the group is understood between them, and the younger is extra thankful that jisung did not even hesitate to acquiesce.
jeongin watches jisung scurry away and immediately latch on to minho’s arm, and even goes the extra mile to drag him inside the van where the older is heading to originally. that’s a good enough of cue jeongin could get.
making quick steps of his own, jeongin pushes his anxiety aside and takes his place behind hyunjin. the dancer is midway inside the vehicle, but even the awkward position doesn’t deter from him looking back at Jeongin.
the dull reaction, no matter how mundane it is, hurts jeongin.
hyunjin would never pass up in spending more time with him, especially when jeongin takes the first step. their usual dynamic of clinging to each other upon the fastest chance possible—mostly hyunjin—then feigning annoyance before preening under the attention—definitely jeongin—is what makes the two special. jeongin usually worries that hyunjin would take his hard-to-get persona too seriously, but the older would console him every time he sees the doubt in full force.
a couple of playful squabbles and retorts would not even have a chance to leave a dent on their relationship.
until now, jeongin’s mind oh so unhelpfully supplies.
time resumes again when jeongin hears an exhale and a shuffle, hyunjin now settled in the backseat. the older’s hand taps the empty space next to him, a gentle rhythm that jeongin picks up on immediately. a familiar warmth envelops him as he sits next to hyunjin, chipping away some of the edges of the cemented shame in his chest.
and when jeongin slides his own hand across the leather seat, timid fingers filling in the empty spaces in between hyunjin’s, he is neither excited nor disappointed when the older does not reciprocate the motion. but at least hyunjin didn’t pull away either.
the ride home lacks the usual banter, chalking it up to everyone’s high energy descending to fatigue. that, plus jeongin is acutely aware that chan, changbin, and even their manager can feel the tension between him and hyunjin. the agitation elicits his body’s reflex to seek comfort, which is curling up against his boyfriend and going completely lax in his presence.
but the moment jeongin rests his head on the older’s shoulder, he goes frigid. his knee-jerk reaction to do his go-to safety habit did not take into account the weird limbo they are in.
“oh, hyung, i—“
jeongin’s head is barely lifted before it is tenderly pushed back in place. the same hand gives him two gentle pets before going limp in its owner’s lap.
and that makes jeongin’s heart lurch from hyunjin’s gesture. because at the end of the day, his boyfriend will still take care of him no matter how strained things are.
it would be the opportune time to apologize, to whisper the words jeongin has been longing to say against hyunjin’s soft hoodie. to let the scent of something woodsy, clean, his solace encourage him to do the right thing.
it’s hyunjin, it should be easier now. it’s always easy with him.
which also makes things so difficult—because it’s hyunjin, the one deserving of everything wonderful and perfect, and so much more.
jeongin attempts not to overthink that he is anything but those.
he tries and tries even when they arrive at the dorms, when he catches seungmin’s eyes—brimming with heartfelt support—before the group goes to their respective dorms, sans jeongin and jisung.
the only thing that keeps the younger from completely spiraling is hyunjin’s hand that’s still in his, granted that jeongin is putting more effort in the grip than the other as they walk through the front door.
a little over an hour later, jeongin wiggles himself under his boyfriend’s covers with his face clean and body warm in his boyfriend’s pajamas. he waits patiently as hyunjin gets comfy on his side of the bed.
“jeongin, please scoot a little—“
“can we talk?”
their words overlap, and the immediate silence that followed had jeongin’s stress rise to the surface. it tingles, pricking his skin as hyunjin’s eyes stay on him. he doesn’t do much other than finally laying on his side, facing jeongin with a lethargic gaze.
“i, uh, was hoping to talk about earlier.” jeongin catches the other’s eyes flutter shut, and maybe he can hold off the apology and let his boyfriend rest. his health and happiness is a priority, after all. “but it’s okay if we can do it tomorrow instead. or i can keep going and you just listen. whichever works for you, hyung.”
all jeongin gets is a hum and icy blond tresses weaving through his own ebony bangs when hyunjin snuggles a few inches closer. despite having no direct contact, jeongin still appreciates the intimacy. how hyunjin provides this closeness in their space so that jeongin can put everything out in the open.
“i’m so sorry, hyunjin hyung.” after the initial start, the words flow right out of jeongin, once and for all. “i’m sorry for a lot of things, actually. for not being there for you the moment you felt any real hurt or humiliation. for appearing awkward and reluctant to say anything when the shoot was over.”
jeongin pauses, then checks for any probable reaction the older will give. but at the sight of hyunjin’s serene face and even breathing, he continues. “just… know that i love you. and that i’m aware of being a very shitty boyfriend earlier. even beyond what happened today, i sometimes think you are more worthy for someone else. someone who is more open in loving you. who is unafraid to show everyone how much they cherish you instead of how i do it. because i know i could love you better, and i’m honestly trying, but i just feel so inexperienced and demure compared to you—“
oh, that wasn’t supposed to come out.
this talk was only going to focus on jeongin’s apology for his earlier blunders, not a chance to reveal the insecurities the younger has hidden within the deepest crevices of his mind. he doesn’t want to impose that on hyunjin—especially since he doesn’t really have the right to do so and expect to be consoled after.
“s—sorry for my rambling.” jeongin covers that little slip up with a forced chuckle. “i guess add that to the list of what i’m sorry for from today.”
but the floodgates have already been opened and all the doubts jeongin tried so hard to keep is filling up his mind.
the only way to stop them is right in front of him: yearning for hyunjin’s touch to be the calm he needs.
jeongin leans closer, but hesitates at a hair’s width away from where he wants to be. one of the numerous pieces of fear leaves him wondering if he truly deserves the honor of kissing hyunjin. not after what has happened leading up to this moment.
how could have the privilege after a shoddy apology? to be in the presence of such beauty in the form of a loving-to-the-core personality, his smile that is the epitome for all things good in the world, his eyes wide open that continually shines in fondness so genuine—
wait, open?
before jeongin could even so much as panic—or stare in awe in fondness, like he always does—he feels hyunjin’s featherlight caress on his cheek. jeongin holds his breath as a reflex, wondering what the other could be thinking, much less what he is planning to do next.
“my innie.” hyunjin whispers, his sleepy voice flowing through jeongin’s veins to slowly clear away the cankerous guilt and doubts inside. the nickname, the tone, the adoration—all wrapped up in forgiveness jeongin feels he doesn’t deserve in full yet. “if you won’t do it, i will.”
the noise in jeongin’s head mellows out as he feels hyunjin’s lips press softly against his, slightly dry but nothing less than perfection. a quick glide paired with a sugary weight causes jeongin to reciprocate, matching the pace hyunjin has set out for them. jeongin grounds himself by lifting his hand to tread carefully, lovingly through hyunjin’s hair.
jeongin still feels undeserving, heaven knows he has a heavy amount of issues to process to be a better significant other.
but if hyunjin is right here, he wouldn’t mind putting in the work—for both their relationship and himself.
for now, he’d rather cherish this particular moment with hyunjin.
he does, however, mentally take note to shower his boyfriend with a flurry of apologies—all in the form of delicate kisses on every available inch of hyunjin’s skin—the following morning, and on all the days to come, too.