Work Text:
☀️
I. Jaeyun’s dormitory in the late afternoon, the amber sunlight streaming in through the windows
Jaeyun wakes up in Jungwon’s embrace.
He has to blink himself awake a few times for the cogs in his sleepy brain to finally click in place: Ah, right, this is my boyfriend now. I’m cuddling with my boyfriend right now.
The rhythmic movement of Jungwon’s chest against his own tells Jaeyun that he’s still deep in slumber. He wishes they could stay like this forever—if Jungwon and the world let him, Jaeyun definitely would—but he also needs to pee so fucking bad.
He disentangles himself from Jungwon with a heart weighed down by lead and whispers a quiet thanks to his stars that Jungwon stirs but doesn’t wake. After a quick trip to the bathroom, Jaeyun realizes it’s been an hour since they fell asleep and almost returns to the abandoned textbook on his desk.
But one glance at a peaceful Jungwon still snuggled up, Jaeyun’s feet lead him back to bed. He carefully sinks into the mattress while watching Jungwon’s steady breathing. Luckily, Jungwon’s eyes don’t flutter open.
Jungwon’s cheek is pressed firmly on Jaeyun’s pillow and he knows that later, when Jungwon awakens, there will be thin lines and intersections engraved on his face and Jungwon will complain but they will ultimately laugh about it—but, now.
Now, Jungwon’s eyelashes are long and beautiful against the daffodil softness of his cheek. Jaeyun wants to say that the peacefulness, warmth, and unbounded affection that blooms in his chest can be attributed to the sun setting in the backdrop of Jungwon’s face, but he would be lying if he did.
It would be nice to wake up to this view every day.
Frighteningly, Jungwon’s lips twitch briefly before turning into a close-lipped smile. Groggily, Jungwon says, “We can have that arranged if you want.”
Fortunately for Jaeyun’s racing heart, Jungwon’s eyes remain closed because Jaeyun feels the warmth traveling from his chest to his cheeks. He can’t give Jungwon that satisfaction. “Get out of my head, you creep.”
Eyes still closed, Jungwon is smirking now. “You’re the one watching me sleep and whispering dumb things to yourself.”
“I woke up because you were snoring so loudly.” Jaeyun knows that Jungwon knows this is a lie. Jaeyun pinches Jungwon’s nose in an attempt to make him open his eyes. When he refuses to budge, Jaeyun says, “Don’t you have a meeting to go to?”
At that, Jungwon’s eyes open comically in realization. “Oh my god, what time is it?”
Startled, Jaeyun almost falls off the bed as Jungwon practically bolts out of it. Jaeyun watches Jungwon look in the mirror to tame his bed hair, gentle fingers carding through knots and mouth crunched into a pout.
“Don’t worry,” Jaeyun says to subdue the frantic energy in the room, more so in his heart. Damn. He needs to get checked. “You still have 20 minutes. Want me to walk you there?”
Jungwon is already slipping his shoes on. “No, it’s fine. You’ll get me into trouble.”
Jaeyun slips a granola bar and a box of banana milk into Jungwon’s backpack. “You’re the one who bulldozed your way into my dorm and interrupted my sacred study time.”
“If I hadn’t”—Jungwon plants a chaste kiss on Jaeyun’s lips before flinging his backpack on one shoulder—“you wouldn’t have had the best nap you’ve had this week.”
Jaeyun grunts. “Okay, true.” He ruffles Jungwon’s hair, which earns him an adorable scowl. “Text me when you get there.”
Jungwon grabs the door handle but looks back and lingers like he doesn’t want to leave. Jaeyun smiles at him, do you really have to leave?
“I have to go.” Jungwon pouts. “I can’t skip tonight.”
It’s disgusting how Jaeyun wants to keep Jungwon close all the time. “Then go.” Don’t go. “Text me if you want to grab dinner later.”
Jungwon fidgets with the handle again, and then, in one calculated move, pulls Jaeyun by the hood of his sweatshirt. Jaeyun stumbles and gasps into Jungwon’s lips before he’s finally kissing back, so slow and so deep it makes Jaeyun’s toes curl.
Jaeyun has always found the authoritative side of Jungwon fascinating. Jaeyun has long suspected that leading the pack has always been Jungwon’s calling, even if he’s younger than most people behind him, from the first time he saw him making the other kids stand in a queue while they wait for their turn at the slide. Jungwon was four. Later, it was classroom politics before he was coaxed by his teachers and peers to run for student council elections.
But despite the illusion of familiarity that years of friendship may have fostered, evidently, there were parts of them that they haven’t revealed to each other. Before they secretly got together, Jaeyun had never seen this Jungwon before; he didn’t know it even existed.
This Jungwon, the one crowding him into a wall and resting his hands underneath the fabric of his hoodie and directly on Jaeyun’s bare waist, fascinates Jaeyun to his core. It’s not the first time they’ve made out, but it might as well be, with the novel way Jungwon is making Jaeyun’s brain go haywire by the littlest of things, leaving Jaeyun unable to do anything else but moan and grope and kiss back.
Jaeyun’s eyes flutter open when Jungwon decides to disengage. The dilation of Jungwon’s pupils, the flush of pink on his cheeks, the redness of his mouth, like he’s eaten something spicy—Jaeyun burns the image on the back of his eyelids, selfishly hoping no one else gets to side this side of Jungwon. They’re both breathless, but Jungwon finds his bearings easily.
“I will text you,” Jungwon says with a smirk on his lips. Jaeyun chuckles despite himself. It takes a few more moments of silent bargaining before Jungwon is rushing out the door.
Jaeyun has just sat down at his desk when the door flings open again. “Did you forge—“
“Did Jungwon come by?”
Sunoo raises an inquisitive eyebrow at Jaeyun as he dumps his study materials on his desk.
“Why?”
“I bumped into him at the stairwell. Doesn’t he live on the other side of campus?”
The thing about Jaeyun is that he is terrible at lying.
This isn’t to say that he’s someone who lacks integrity or flaunts every little secret he hears like an accessory. He’s not a tattletale, nor is he a disloyal friend. Jongseong once told him that Jaeyun is dangerous, in that one look into his eyes and you’ll feel compelled to spill your most scandalous secrets.
But it’s one thing to stop yourself from freely disclosing information unprompted, and it’s a completely different thing to be bombarded with leading questions clearly intended to extract the truth from him. He just doesn’t operate well under judging eyes, okay?
The key to playing Poker is keeping your cards close. Or keeping a poker face? Or something. Jaeyun is unsure because he has not played a game of it ever, but he’s seen movies about it. They always have this dumb, brooding look on their face. Jaeyun tries that.
“Really? I didn’t see him.”
Sunghoon might have been onto something when he once asked Jaeyun to join the theatre club with him because Sunoo drops the topic almost instantly. Maybe Jaeyun should consider taking up acting as a side hustle.
“Right, okay.” Sunoo starts rummaging through the cupboards. “Hey, have you been eating my granola bars?”
🌳
< Notes …
April 28, 2021 at 5:48 PM
I don’t even think he understands how much I love waking up next to him
🌳
II. Library, with hushed voices
“See? It’s gold and white.”
Jungwon frowns. “I still don’t see what you mean.”
Jaeyun has half a mind to suspect Jungwon is using the stupid dress debate as an excuse to get closer to him out in public, where there are dozens of other students hunched over their study material, but in all honesty, Jaeyun loves to bask in it. Jungwon’s attention, Jaeyun has realized, is addictive, more so when he has full access to it. But then—
“Chungwon!”
Jungwon shakes his hand free from Jaeyun’s grip underneath the table and smiles breezily at Sunghoon. He briefly but firmly squeezes Jaeyun’s thigh, as if to say, I’ve got this, even though Sunghoon is essentially Jaeyun’s cousin before he is Jungwon’s roommate.
Sunghoon bounds up to them with far too much energy for a Thursday morning that their neighboring tables in the library give them pointedly annoyed looks.
Sunghoon, however, seems completely unperturbed by this.
“Chungwon.” He squats beside Jungwon so that he’s below his eye level and looking at them through his eyelashes. The genesis of Sunghoon’s nickname for Jungwon can be traced back to fifth grade when Sunghoon had the eerie (i.e. food coma-induced) realization that Jungwon looks a little like Pikachu. They’re in their third year of college now, and Sunghoon, a sentimental creature of habit, hasn’t been able to drop the agenda ever since.
Sunghoon nods quickly at Jaeyun before continuing, “Is it true, is it true, is it true?”
Jungwon shushes him. “What’s true?”
“That you finally agreed to play bass for the band on Friday?”
The band, Miso Happy, is a Buzz cover band Sunghoon formed with his pals from the (now dissolved) knitting club. They used to exclusively cover Buzz, but upon realizing that they would be getting more gigs and making more bank with a wider demographic (“You form a rock band for two reasons: to get rowdy or to get laid. I want to get laid,” Sunghoon lamented.), they decided to expand to more recent releases.
“I was coerced,” Jungwon clarifies with an adorably irritated expression. “Jeongin hyung and Beomgyu hyung should not be allowed to organize anything ever again. They’re scarily powerful together.”
“True. But you’re good at it. You’re an angel, baby Chu.”
Jungwon rolls his eyes. “As if I had a choice.”
Jungwon pokes the cast around Sunghoon’s arm, and Sunghoon smiles at him sheepishly. Jaeyun should feel guilty, considering his cousin acquired the injury while they were trying to dumbly imitate a stunt they saw in an old TV commercial in the ‘80s: Lee Jongwon and his chair-fall move. In theory, it was really cool. In practice, well, it earned them an earful from both their mothers and a visit to the emergency room.
“Sorry, Chu. I’ll buy you lunch.” Sunghoon then turns to Jaeyun. “Jackie”—Jackie Chan, Sunghoon loves nicknames—“you’re coming to watch too, right? Auntie Sunyoung said you should.”
“Yeah, of course, Bruce.”
Jungwon clears his throat. He gestures to the open Word document on his laptop. “He was just helping me with a paper.”
Sunghoon gives them a look like he doesn’t believe Jungwon, but with Sunghoon, a look is only a look and Jaeyun knows Sunghoon still believes Jungwon is a perfectly untainted angel who doesn’t lie. “Do you guys want to grab some food together?”
“Actually, I have to go to class,” Jaeyun announces, supposedly to Jungwon and Sunghoon only, but accidentally to everyone in their immediate vicinity. He clasps his hand over his mouth and bows in apology before zooming out of there.
And, to class, Jaeyun goes.
Except he has a difficult time wrapping his head around the pathophysiology of diabetic ketoacidosis because although Dr. Roh is the biggest sweetheart, her monotonous voice during lecture lulls Jaeyun into daydreaming about Jungwon playing on Friday. Jaeyun will be there in the crowd, and Jaeyun won’t know what’s sexier: the image of Jungwon with a bass strapped across his body and having total control over the music he creates with it or the thought that it was Jungwon’s inability to say no to the people he deeply cares for that brought him there (Jaeyun is completely sure Jungwon said yes only to assuage Sunghoon’s worries).
Oh, Jaeyun is down bad.
🌳
< Notes …
June 17, 2021 at 5:48 PM
Breakfast date ❤️Hum II paperSubmit Hum II paper- Buy eyeliner
- Pick up banana milk
🌳
III. The soccer field, the tail end of summer
Riki comes back from his international baduk tournament on a Friday night. As tradition calls, Jongseong arranges a 3v3 soccer match on a field on the outskirts of the neighborhood.
(In actuality, Jongseong is in charge of bringing the ball and whistle, and they trespass into an empty field.)
It’s Jongseong, Riki, and Jungwon vs. Heeseung, Sunoo, and Jaeyun. Sunghoon is the referee because he managed to sprain his ankle while skateboarding a month after getting the cast off his arm. Auntie Ilhwa, perhaps still exhausted from her last tirade about being more careful, simply sighed. Meanwhile, Sunoo threatens to castrate Sunghoon every time he is relegated to being Sunghoon’s right leg. Sunoo does it, anyway, though.
Jongseong’s team is killing them, and the competitive spirit in Jaeyun is threatening to disown him for his weak-ass dribbles that get the ball stolen from him by a hyperactive Riki and his sad attempts at making a goal. How can he get his head in the game, though, if the opposing team’s goalie is as adorable as Jungwon? Jungwon, completely aware of this, the bastard that he is, does his best to give Jaeyun a full view of his goddamn dimples every time he tries to score.
Holy shit, Yang Jungwon is a brat when he wants to be. Jaeyun curses him internally. And then he curses himself for stepping into Jungwon’s Venus flytrap charms. Born with a great sense of athleticism and the most adorable face in the Milky Way? Yang Jungwon is like a cheat code with legs. It’s unfair.
Naturally, because the world hates him, Jaeyun misses the goal spectacularly.
“Get it together, Jaeyun-ah!” Heeseung, their team’s designated goalie, yells with cupped hands. Sunoo pats his butt to sympathize.
The ball goes back to Jongseong, who dribbles to Riki, whose attempt at a goal is fortunately blocked by Heeseung.
Jaeyun considers being petty—if he brings up the time they played darts at the rec center and Jongseong made a complete fool of himself, he’s sure he’ll get thrown off his game.
But before he could get his plan in play, the game ends at 7-3. Riki looks giddier than when he won his last baduk match.
“Jaeyun hyung, what’s up with you today?” Riki pats his back before downing his Pocari. Head hanging low from exhaustion, Jaeyun responds with a wordless grunt. He doesn’t realize Jungwon has walked over to him until the sensation of a cold bottle being pressed on the back of his neck startles him.
“Sore loser,” Jungwon chides. Jaeyun rolls his eyes. He looks up to accept the bottle and sees that everyone else is scattered around the field, Riki already running to where Heeseung is attempting a headstand with Sunoo and Sunghoon as his audience. Jungwon must also realize that they’re temporarily alone because he starts wiping Jaeyun’s sweat with a towel. “Thanks for letting us win.”
Jaeyun sits, pliant, while Jungwon continues to dab the towel on his neck. He returns the favor by quickly snatching Sunoo’s portable fan from his open bag and directing it on Jungwon’s neck.
It’s nice. Jaeyun sees the rosiness of Jungwon’s cheeks and he can confidently say that he’d let himself be charmed by him in a hundred other lifetimes, even if it costs him his pride. And if Jaeyun were to be completely honest, the most difficult thing about keeping their relationship under wraps now is resisting the fragile urge to pepper Jungwon with kisses at every given moment.
“What are you doing?”
Jongseong’s voice rips through the air from the back, and Jaeyun cannot believe he miscounted their friends. He must have been coming back from the vending machines.
“Wha-“
“We were just-“
“You should be warming up for the next game!” Jongseong pulls at both their hands, forcing them to stand up from the bench laughing nervously. “Come on!”
Stunned, they stay rooted together for one second more. And then Sunghoon blows his whistle and they walk back, their hands almost brushing, almost touching, almost but not quite.
🌳
< Notes …
September 18, 2021 at 11:34 PM
My favorite company is myself. except when im with u and i lose myself completely
🌳
IV.. Bungeoppang stall, while sharing warmth
“Turtles breathe through their butt, you know.”
Jungwon scrunches his nose. “That doesn’t justify why you should bite the tail first.”
“It doesn’t. But you look so cute when you get annoyed,” Jaeyun admits, which earns him a kick on his shin. “Okay, I deserved that.”
“You two look adorable,” the man behind the stall starts, then gives them the rest of their choux cream bungeoppang before adding, lightheartedly, “But flirt somewhere else, you’re scaring the other customers away.”
Jungwon laughs, this bright sound that reminds Jaeyun of pop rocks on his tongue, and moves to hand their payment. “Thank you, ahjussi.”
Always a warm and kind soul with his cozy tent and neatly brushed graying hair, the bungeoppang man smiles and nods.
They claim territory at a nearby bench, happy that the weather is chilly enough for Jaeyun to bank on the excuse that he’s sharing warmth when he sits too close. Sometimes Jaeyun wants his heart to just silently sit and eat bread with Jungwon, but it takes one dimpled smile for his heart to rise from its seat and dance around the room. Sometimes they’d walk around the park, and Jungwon would grab his hand, deft and firm, and Jaeyun’s heart soars like a kite above their heads.
Jungwon starts eating the red bean one, head first. And Jaeyun is happily munching on his bread when a familiar face pops into his line of vision.
“Hey, didn’t know you guys were coming home this weekend.”
“Hi, hyung,” Jungwon smoothly greets him. “Didn’t know you were coming home.”
Heeseung blinks at the two of them, and Jaeyun, straining to maintain composure, continues scarfing down the bungeoppang. Tail first.
“Hey.” Jungwon smacks his arm, his face contorting in mild annoyance. “Don’t eat it all, you idiot.”
Heeseung always had the propensity to resign from group conversations, but he remained on top of everyone’s business, simply because people trusted him enough to divulge their problems to him. In other words, he liked staying in his lane because he didn’t like being automatically assigned the responsibility of watching over the other kids just because he was the eldest, but he poked his nose in their business when it was conveniently amusing for him.
It is killing Jaeyun that he has to keep his relationship with Jungwon from him, considering Heeseung knows Jaeyun’s deepest and darkest secrets (e.g. Jaeyun pocketed a piece of gum from the corner store when he was four. It’s one of his earliest memories; he regrets it to this day.). Perhaps the only reason the older hasn’t badgered the truth out of him is that Heeseung goes to a different university in Seoul. They only see him when they’re all home here in Gyeongsan, a rare occurrence now because Heeseung is in his senior year and he’s buried in school work and internship.
“Come by the house later,” Heeseung tells them. Jaeyun refuses to meet his eyes still. “Pizza and chicken on me.”
“Okay, hyung,” Jaeyun mumbles through a mouthful of dough. Thankfully, he doesn’t ask any more questions and heads on his way.
“That was close.” Jaeyun breathes out after he swallows down the bread.
“We hang out all the time, how can he be suspicious? Anyway, don’t do that again. You might die.”
Jaeyun shrugs. “I’m not scared. You had BLS training, right? You can just administer the kiss of life.”
Jungwon shoves Jaeyun’s puckered lips away with his palm. “I can give you the kick of death,” he retorts before walking away.
Jaeyun could totally come up with a mic-dropping comeback for that, but the ability evades him completely as he watches Jungwon cutely hold out his hand as he waits for Jaeyun to walk with him. Oh yeah, Jungwon can deliver life and death to him and Jaeyun would definitely be grateful.
🌳
< Notes …
September 24, 2021 at 5:48 PM
Fun facts from J
- Sharks don’t sleep (in the traditional sense ???)
- Bacteria is always present in our mouth
- Carina Nebula - read more abt this
- Favorite color: dark blue
- Turtles breathe through their butt (??)
🌳
V. The beach, barefoot and with reckless abandon
It’s Heeseung who herds all the neighborhood kids into the minivan and drives them to Pohang one weekend.
Unfortunately, Jaeyun is the first to lose at rock paper scissors and is forced to sit in the backseat. Fortunately, no one bats an eye when Jungwon volunteers to take the seat beside him. They share furtive smiles once they’ve all settled down: Jongseong, Riki, Sunoo in the middle row, and Sunghoon, whose unluckiness might be finally wearing off because he won against Sunoo for the first time, excitedly hollers in the passenger seat. Heeseung groans and reluctantly starts the car.
Jaeyun confidently takes Jungwon’s hand in his, and they listen to whatever ‘80s hit Sunghoon decides to play. It’s times like this that Jaeyun loves and always misses when they’re in Seoul: all seven of them together, even if Jongseong promptly falls asleep once they’re out on the main highway with Riki taking pictures of his mouth hanging open, or Sunoo and Sunghoon always find something to bicker about. Jaeyun likes their mismatched bunch. And then there’s the one that blindsided him most, right here, sitting beside him. Jaeyun watches Jungwon, who’s watching the scenery outside. An expanse of green surrounds them the whole way: rice paddies, endless lines of trees, distant mountains. Jungwon holds onto all of it with his gaze, unwilling to tear his eyes away.
Jaeyun doesn’t know how long he’s been looking at him when Jungwon turns to him. “What?”
Jaeyun shakes his head, nothing, before pretending to doze off.
It’s nearly noon when they arrive. Jongseong and Heeseung rush out to go find a place to eat, while the rest of them head down to the beach. It’s too cold to go into the water, but the sound of crashing waves is enough to excite all of them. Sunoo dumps sand on Sunghoon first before laughing and running away. While Jaeyun is distracted by the mess, Jungwon takes his shoes off and runs after them.
Shaking his head, Jaeyun picks up Jungwon’s worn-out Chucks, abandoned on the sand. “Your feet are going to get cold, Jungwon-ah!”
But Jungwon is already running and laughing with abandon a good hundred meters from him. When Jaeyun looks up, Riki is staring blankly at him.
“What?”
Was Jaeyun too obvious again?
“Nothing. You just seem really happy.”
“I am happy.”
“Okay,” Riki replies solemnly, then before Jaeyun knows it, he’s toeing off his shoes and yelling, “Take care of my shoes too, hyung!” over his shoulder.
Jaeyun’s memories of this beach were blissful even at his life’s most bittersweet troughs; an unbiased witness to all of his lows, highs, and in-betweens. He remembers when it was Jungwon’s older sister who used to drive them here in the summers, years before she got married and Heeseung got his license, when they were younger, immortal, and always one sleepy afternoon away from getting sunburnt.
“Jaeyun?”
It takes two seconds for Jaeyun to attach a name to the face that comes into view, but when he does, he stumbles back a little in shock, and Taehyun quickly grabs onto his hand. Kang Taehyun: Science club president. Mathlete champion. Jaeyun’s first kiss. Jaeyun’s first boyfriend. Broke up with him right before their high school graduation. First heartbreak. The details come back to Jaeyun in fragments, scratches on the videotape forcing him to skip out blurry details, so it takes another two seconds for him to let go of his hand and spit out, “Hey. It’s been a while.”
As they exchange pleasantries and memories resurface, Jaeyun realizes that the unavoidable sting that once burned from his gut to the tip of his fingers does not come back. They lost contact after high school, only seeing bits and pieces of each other’s lives through the limited lenses of social media. Taehyun is still brilliant, that much is clear, as he quickly shares what he’s been up to.
Their conversation is cut short when Jongseong calls for all of them, saying they have a table at a mulhoe restaurant nearby. They say their goodbyes, and when Jungwon comes back to take his shoes, he avoids Jaeyun’s gaze.
“Hey—“
But Jungwon is already jogging to catch up with Jongseong, leaving Jaeyun clueless on the sand.
When they pile into the car after the meal to transfer to a dessert café, Sunoo and Jungwon quickly take the backseat. It’s confirmation to the hunch Jaeyun had been nursing since lunch when Jungwon refused to sit next to him, choosing to take the seat beside Sunoo instead and letting himself be absorbed by a questionnaire of some sort on Sunoo’s phone.
“Here’s a fun question.” Sunoo’s still looking at his phone, then reads, “How do you want to be loved?”
“How is that fun?” Sunghoon, who’s flanked by Jaeyun and Jongseong in the middle row, comments, which earns him a slap on the arm from Sunoo.
“I’m not asking you.”
Heeseung rolls them out of the parking lot and Jaeyun could almost feel the raw fish coming back up. They’ve had spats in the past, mostly about petty things like who gets to choose a movie (it always ends up being Jungwon) or which flavor of bingsu to get. Nothing like this, where Jungwon is outright ignoring his existence. Jaeyun could try sending him a text, but that wouldn’t feel right if it feels this monumental. He tried talking to him at the café, but Jungwon refused to look at him, much less engage in conversation with him aside from the cursory thank you and okay.
The question Sunoo throws is directed at Jungwon obviously, and Jaeyun does not have the willpower to look back at him.
“Loudly.” A pause. “Quietly.”
“Those are two different answers.”
Jungwon shrugs. “Doesn’t mean they can’t both be the truth.”
After they’ve had their fill of sweets, coffee, and views of the sea, Heeseung drives them back just as the sun is setting. Sunghoon sits shotgun again, an unspoken agreement because he’s the only one who can stay awake on the trip back.
As Riki takes refuge on his shoulder, Jaeyun realizes maybe he could have volunteered to keep Heeseung company, too. But it’s too late, and he’s left with his thoughts and the stillness of the car ride as the pink and orange ribbons in the sky soon turn into a blanket of glittered dark blue.
“We’re here.”
The trip is only about an hour, but it’s fully dark out now. Jaeyun shakes Riki and Jongseong awake. When he looks in the back, Sunoo is still sleeping but Jungwon is staring right at him with breakable eyes and Jaeyun has to bite his lip to stop himself from crumbling, too.
They get out of the car, and Jaeyun’s gaze follows Jungwon’s every move, boring holes into the back of his head as he hugs Heeseung to thank him for the trip. The rest of them move like zombies, especially Jongseong who’s guided by an equally sleepy Sunghoon. Jaeyun tells Riki to go ahead with Sunoo under the pretense that he’s going to pass by the convenience store to buy Homerun Ball. And just like that, everyone heads home. And just like that, Jaeyun and Jungwon are left alone.
It’s Jungwon who makes the first move. He refuses to meet Jaeyun’s eyes again and wordlessly walks in the direction of the playground, just a few streets away from their houses.
“Are we okay?” Jaeyun asks once they’ve each taken a seat on the swings, the chains creaking under their weight.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin the trip for us,” Jungwon says without looking up from his hands, “I just…I saw you talking to Taehyun hyung and I remembered how much you liked him in high school and how much it broke your heart when it was over between the two of you.” His voice is thick and watery, and Jaeyun wishes he could reach out and touch him. Absorb whatever ugly feeling is eating away at him. “But don’t worry,” Jungwon bravely looks up, but Jaeyun could see the tremble of his eyes and lips as he continues, “The drive back made me realize how dumb that was and we can just…pretend like nothing happened, okay? Okay.”
Jaeyun stands up from the swing and bends down on his knees to take Jungwon’s hands in his. He looks through his eyelashes, looks at Jungwon dead in the eye, something he’s been unable to do for the rest of the afternoon. “I’m sorry. I should’ve…I should’ve asked you sooner. I should’ve caught up with you on the beach and sat with you during lunch. I should’ve wrestled Sunoo for the backseat. Sorry for making you worry,” Jaeyun’s voice cracks, and he only realizes he’s crying when Jungwon, alarmed, wipes at Jaeyun’s cheeks. “You have nothing to worry about. You shouldn't say sorry for what you felt. But that is ancient history and now, you have me. You have me now, okay?”
Jungwon doesn’t respond for a while, only looks at Jaeyun as he lets his tears surrender to gravity. Jaeyun catches them with his thumbs, cranes his neck, and peppers gentle kisses on Jungwon’s cheeks, hoping that it feels like raindrops on Jungwon’s skin. Rain washes everything away after all. “Seeing you cry makes me so sad,” Jaeyun whispers, holding both of Jungwon’s hands and letting them rest on Jungwon’s lap.
“I guess I just don’t like the feeling.” Jungwon lets out a shaky breath. “Being jealous. It’s so dumb. You were just talking.”
“Not dumb, okay? I can’t promise you the world but I’ll do my best to remind you that I am yours, I promise,” Jaeyun assures him. “I really like being yours.”
🌳
< Notes …
October 1, 2021 at 11:54 PM
“I really like being yours.”
🌳
VI. Gwanak-gu, on their 200th day
They’ve been together for two hundred days now. Jungwon won’t admit it, but Jaeyun suspects that he has a day counter on his phone, similar to the one his sister uses to count the days since she started devoting her extra time to EXO. If anyone asks Jaeyun, he’ll admit he just likes to mental math it.
To celebrate, they go to a café that does Pokemon latte art because Jungwon insisted, then they eat bossam and get buzzed on Hite in Gwanak-gu. By the time they’re spilling out into the comfortably chilly October air, it’s deep into the night and they’re both a little tipsy and a little giggly.
“Hey, cutie,” Jungwon drawls, hands in his pocket and cheeks dusted pink as he leans his weight onto Jaeyun, completely oblivious to the fact that his beanie is inside out. “Wanna make out?”
And what’s Jaeyun supposed to do, say no?
Unfortunately, yes, Jaeyun has to say no. Jaeyun is left with the frustrating task of drawing the curtain of discretion because the last bus back to the university is arriving in a few minutes and they cannot afford to take a taxi back.
Jaeyun, heartbreakingly, has to settle with planting a quick peck on Jungwon’s puckered lips. He doesn’t fix the beanie; it’s cuter that way. “Later, I promise. We need to catch that bus.”
Luckily for their dwindling finances, they make it in time. There are only a few people on: the workaholics who just got out of the office, a few high school students going home from cram school, sleepy partygoers calling it an early night. They find temporary refuge in the back: Jungwon takes the window seat and Jaeyun takes Jungwon’s hand.
“Two hundred,” Jungwon whispers. His cheek rests comfortably on Jaeyun’s shoulder. “That’s a lot of days.”
“That’s more than four thousand hours of my life that I won’t get back,” Jaeyun mutters back. “I could’ve started re-watching and re-reading One Piece from the beginning. Twice.”
Jungwon laughs, a low rumble. “You must like me very much, then, for choosing me over Luffy.”
Jaeyun hums in assent. “I like you a normal amount, I guess.”
Jaeyun looks at their tangled hands. It took a while, but his heart has finally learned how to settle into a steady rhythm whenever Jungwon is around. It used to beat so erratically whenever Jungwon killed any sort of personal space between them, that Jaeyun could hardly breathe. But now, the feeling of Jungwon pressed close to his side is akin to the sensation of the summer sun on his skin. Intrusive, touching spots his own hands can’t reach, but never unwelcome.
For their 100th day, they went to the amusement park. The sweltering July sun was unforgiving, and they were both out of energy by the end of it, but Jaeyun remembers it as a good day. Only remembers the twinkling happiness in Jungwon’s eyes and the all-consuming feeling that habituated Jaeyun’s chest when Jungwon won a Jigglypuff plushie for him at the claw machine. Jaeyun’s halo headband that matched Jungwon’s devil horns also still occupies his bottom drawer at home.
When they get to their stop, Jaeyun shakes Jungwon awake. They alight quietly, Jungwon gorilla gripping Jaeyun’s hand for stability.
“Let me walk you back,” Jaeyun offers. It’s nearing midnight now, but the street lamps lining the path to the dorms are overbearingly bright. The buzz in Jaeyun’s nerves has long mellowed down on the ride home, and he’s confident he can manage the walk to Jungwon’s dorm on the other side of campus and then back here.
Jungwon sleepily shakes his head. “It’s okay. Don’t want Sunghoon to get suspicious. I’ve sobered up now, just sleepy.”
“You sure?”
Jungwon straightens his posture and gives him a three-finger salute. “Affirmative.”
Once they reach Jaeyun’s building, he gets ready to say goodbye, even though it goes against every fiber of his being. “Thank you for today.”
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Jungwon smiles coyly and Jaeyun racks his brain for what he could possibly forget. His 200th-day gift already came in the mail last week and is stored in Jungwon’s closet: the ugliest, fuzziest knit sweater Jaeyun has ever laid eyes on. It’s also the most comfortable thing ever, which is why Jaeyun has one of his own to match.
Disbelieving, Jungwon shakes his head, then pulls Jaeyun to the side of the building, where it’s dark and scary and, “No CCTVs here,” Jungwon whispers. Embarrassingly, Jaeyun only picks up what Jungwon’s putting down when Jungwon already has him pinned against the cold wall.
Jungwon surges forward, and they bump noses, and Jaeyun doesn’t know where to put his hands. Jungwon opens his mouth too much, and they hit each other’s teeth. It would be uncomfortably hilarious if he were a third person looking in, but it’s happening to Jaeyun and he wishes he could sink into the Earth below him. You can do better than this, Jaeyun thinks to himself.
But when Jungwon pulls away momentarily, Jaeyun can’t help but mirror the smile that Jungwon gives him.
Jaeyun finds comfort in the warmth of Jungwon’s breath and the sturdiness in his stare, in the fact that he is not alone in feeling silly but infinitely happy about this. Why is Jaeyun overthinking this? They’ve kissed many times before. Then Jaeyun feels Jungwon slip his hand underneath his shirt before trapping his bottom lip with his own lips again, sucking and pulling just the way Jaeyun likes it—Jaeyun stops thinking altogether.
They start slow. Again and again, they relearn how to give and take.
After a few shy and exploratory swipes of their tongues against each other’s lips, they find themselves falling into their shared rhythm. They kiss the way a flower blooms in spring. The way the leaves descend in autumn. The way a lake freezes over in winter. Slow, but certain.
Jaeyun could combust.
They kiss to the tune of the distant city noise. Deliberate, sans worries of getting caught. No CCTVs here, only the warm press of Jungwon’s body against his in the unbreakable darkness.
They kiss and kiss. So much so that later, when Jaeyun comes back to the dorm, Sunoo asks why his lips are so red and swollen.
“Uh, bee sting?” Jaeyun answers, the same time Jungwon, with matching crimson lips and messy hair, appears behind him at the open door saying, “Jaeyun hyung, you forgot your scarf.”
Sunoo almost chokes on air laughing.
🌳
< Notes …
October 21, 2021 at 5:48 PM
200th
Bring extra film
Pokemon latte art: 160X-3X, Bongcheon-dong, Gwanak-gu 3F
Bossam: 185X Nambusunhwan-ro, Gwanak-gu
🌳
VII. Rooftop, on Jaeyun’s birthday
“Okay, does everyone remember how to play Mafia?”
Everyone groans in unison. Night has fallen, and they’re all sufficiently stuffed with food. Sunoo, Jongseong, and Jungwon teamed up in making Jongseong’s family’s rooftop party ready: fairy lights, streamers, and camping chairs around the small fire pit for them to huddle around and grill corn.
The long table once filled with pizza, chicken, and grilled meat has been devoured clean, while the cake, half-demolished, sits at the center. The parents are having their party at Jaeyun’s family’s house, and every once in a while, Jaeyun could hear their explosion of laughter. And just when Jaeyun thought his heart could not have been more full, Jungwon, who wrestled Riki out of the way to sit beside Jaeyun, offers him a hot pack.
It’s supposed to snow tonight, Jungwon mouths at him.
“No. Not mafia,” Sunoo speaks up for everyone, then throws Sunghoon a death glare. “The last time we played, I almost lost a limb.”
Sunghoon maturely sticks his tongue out. “Crybaby!”
“How do you almost lose a limb playing Mafia?”
“You wouldn’t want to know,” Heeseung answers.
“I want to know that’s why I’m asking,” Riki whines, but Sunoo avoids answering and only placates him with another slice of pizza.
“Okay,” Jongseong claps his hands to draw everyone’s attention again, “how about Truth or Dare?”
Ever since being caught by Sunoo after his makeout session with Jungwon, Jaeyun has been unable to look at Jungwon without being reduced into a helpless puddle of fondness and adoration. Something about the thrill of getting caught is dangerous for Jaeyun’s health, which is why they’d decided to finally come clean today.
It’s true, that Jungwon was the one who courageously admitted his feelings first, and Jaeyun still hasn’t fully come to terms with how much he’s willing to show people about their relationship yet, not because he isn’t proud, but because he isn’t prepared for the onslaught of teasing, from both their friends and the mothers, but in the little amount of time he’s been with Jungwon, Jaeyun is sure of one thing.
He needs Jungwon to know that he was deserving of love, loud and quiet, the kind that constantly assures him that he’s doing great, right where he was, right where he belonged.
“So, Jaeyun hyung?” Sunoo elbows him. “Truth or dare?”
Jaeyun forgoes both options and answers: “I’m in love with Jungwon.”
“That’s not how you play—“ Riki cuts in, but gets smacked on the arm by Sunghoon who says, “Hush, child.”
Jaeyun lets the confession sit before regarding the expression everyone is wearing. “Wait, why do none of you look surprised?”
As if magically remembering their cue in an imaginary play staged by Sunoo, their director, they gasp in unison. Sunghoon even goes so far as dramatically falling off his chair.
“Sorry,” Sunoo says when Jaeyun burns holes in his head. “I slipped and told Sunghoon. It was his fault. He’s so nosy.”
Sheepishly, Sunghoon reveals, “I told Jongseong.”
“What?” Jongseong lifts his palms like a criminal caught in the act of taking the last cookie in the jar. “Heeseung hyung needed to know, too.”
Heeseung raises a hand like they’re in class and it’s an impromptu oral recitation. In the most deadpan tone, he shares with the supposed knowledge of a hermit, “I already had a hunch before Jongseong told me. You”—he points at Jaeyun—“get all red when you’re with Jungwon. And you guys wear those matching sweaters all the time. It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together with Jaeyun, honestly.”
Riki stands up. “Why did nobody tell me?!”
Everyone bursts into laughter, and Sunoo tries to stuff his face with pizza again. Jaeyun feels like he should be offended, but before he could say anything else, Jungwon grabs his hand and entwines their fingers. Habit forces Jaeyun to freeze and check if anyone is looking, but one smile from Jungwon and Jaeyun surrenders all the cards he has kept close all this time.
Later, they will tell them the details of how it happened. Now, Jaeyun scoots closer to Jungwon, always the keel that keeps him steady.
🌳
< Notes …
April 5, 2021 at 10:34 PM
JAEYUN KS MY BOYFRIEND NOW WHAT THE FUCK
🌳
< Notes …
April 6, 2021 at 12:05 AM
J,
Why am I so restless? I am sitting in my childhood bedroom and I still can’t believe what happened.
I remember the very first time I saw a firefly and it was my favorite memory for the longest time. But now your smile flickers over all of my memories and the rest of the picture falls away - only you, right there in the middle. Haha. That’s crazy.
I like holding your hand so much. I like it when you tell me fun little facts. I roll my eyes but they are fun. I like it when you talk about things that make your heart soar and I like it when you listen to me ramble about the movies we watch.
You left the house a few hours ago but I already can’t wait to see you
I want to hold your hand all the time.
I want to hold your hand all the tiem:(
🌳
0.
The morning after Jaeyun and Jungwon got together, Jaeyun walks into their family kitchen with a bird’s nest of hair and a spring in his step.
“How’s school?” She asks from the stove, where she’s making some stew and frying some meat, the oil splattering on the neighboring surfaces yet she remains unfazed. When he was younger, he thought that was her birthright as a mother: to be impervious to worldly pains. As he grew older, Jaeyun learned the hard way that that wasn’t the case.
“It’s okay,” Jaeyun replies as he scoops some freshly cooked rice into bowls. He takes out some of the side dishes too, transferring them onto small plates for the table. They dance quietly around the kitchen as his mother reaches for condiments in the cabinets and Jaeyun searches for the utensils in the drawers, only the sound of clattering silverware, sizzling Spam, and bubbling stew keeping them in tune.
“You look happy,” she comments before placing the plate of uniformly sliced meat on the table. “Do you want an egg?”
“Yes, please,” Jaeyun chirps. He’s sitting at the table now, waiting for everyone else to wake up and wondering if his mother already knows before he could even say it. He figures, perhaps, in a way, she kind of already does, not because he’s being transparent about the joy running through his veins, but because that’s just how his mother is. Knowing without asking, asking but already knowing why.
“I’m dating someone,” he finally admits, but her posture remains unchanged, back arched and hands resting lazily on her hip. “You know him. He’s a good friend. The other kids don’t know about it yet, though. ”
“That’s nice.” His mom only hums and then transfers his sunny-side-up egg on top of his bowl of rice. “Go wake your father up, but don’t bother your brother. His baduk match went for longer than usual last night.”
They eat breakfast in silence. His father asks about the same things, then suddenly goes off-tangent when he remembers a story about work the other day, and the attention is off of Jaeyun for the rest of the meal.
“Leave your dishes,” his mother commands after they eat. “Take one of the watermelons in the front yard and bring it to Jungwon’s.”
Jaeyun, already ready to walk back to the living room where his father is watching a baseball game, is rooted to the ground, then he turns around to look at her. There’s a knowing look there and the ghost of a smile. Jaeyun can only nod, barely stopping the upward curl of his lips as he starts walking towards the front door. “Okay.”
“Love you!” She yells from the kitchen.
Jaeyun quickly puts his shoes on in the foyer and yells back, “Love you, mom!”