Work Text:
“Dear Bansai,
This is my first command over text to you. Come and get me some yakults.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“You do know that you don’t need to address and sign at the end of every text, do you?”
“Dear Bansai,
I thought you said it would be like writing a letter?
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“It is, but only the text. Don’t sign.”
“Why not. I should imitate everything from the letter writing, shouldn’t I? At least the signature.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“Don’t sign, it’s weird."
“But how do people know it is me texting? I better clarify.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“It is your phone number.”
“What do you mean?
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“When u send me a text, the phone shows ur number on the top. That’s how u know who is texting.”
“I don’t see your number though? Are you even Bansai at all?
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“You have my name saved as Bansai. I just showed you how to do it. Like an hour ago?”
“I see it now. But no number?
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“Because it is saved under my name on your phone.”
“I don’t get it.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“You have my number saved as Bansai. I have your number saved as Shinsuke. If you give other people your number, they would save it under your name. The name then appears with your text. So no need to sign.”
“So you need not sign?
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“What did I just tell you?”
“I missed that text.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“Shinsuke!”
“Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“I accidentally deleted all the text above the signature.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“But if I can change my name on the phone, maybe you can. Maybe you are someone else. You changed your name to Bansai to trick me.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“Goddamn it go to the deck and meet me in person.”
“Yakult.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“Yakult.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“Yakult.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“Yakult.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“I've got your yakult, it’s in the fridge."
“Good.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“I forgot. I signed by the force of habit.
Sunce”
“Habit again.
Sincerely”
“How do you delete the signature from the messages that are sent?
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“You don’t. You can't edit, either. Just don't type it. Check before you send.
Sincerely, Kawakami Bansai.”
"You signed?
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke."
"I must have adopted your bad habit, I daresay."
“So it is like letters. I daresay.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
"I adopted yours as well.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke."
“Can you just have the yakult and leave me alone?”
“Can I have you after that?
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“WHAT?”
“What?
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“You said you wanted to have me after your yakult?”
“No.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“Check your previous message.”
“I didn’t say so. It was someone else.
Sincerely, Takasugi Shinsuke.”
“Your signature is on it, Shinsuke.”
“Oh. I guess I should stop signing.”
"Want to come over to my room?"
"Can't. Everybody is here. You just left. If I leave it'd be weird."
"I don't care what they think."
"I don't either. But we have a lot of new recruits here."
"So?"
"It's rude if both the commander and his vice are absent, I daresay."
"Whatever. Come to my room when it's done. I have a surprise for you."
"Can't wait."
"Try not to think about it. Don't get too excited. We both know how visible IT IS when you are aroused."
"Please don't say that over text."
"You are lovely. I like your ⍰."
"What is the square with the question mark in it? I meant something else."
"You don't have emoji for text on your phone. That's what you got for insisting on using a damn old phone."
"Oh no. Matako just showed me how to use that thing. Do you have it though? Because I really want to show what I like about you."
"You did. My phone has emoji. I get it. It's the eggplant. Very charming."
"Do you like mine?"
"Yes, I daresay."
"It's hard to find a soul like us these days."
"WHAT?"
"What?"
"Soul what?"
"The eggplant?"
"What? Do you think the eggplant means soul? Who taught you that?"
"Matako. I just told you. She showed me those icons and explained them to me."
"I think there must be some misunderstanding. Please don't go around telling people you like their souls."
"I don't tell that to everyone. I don't like people's souls so often."
"Not that. The eggplant means something else. Whatever you picked up from Matako, it's wrong."
"What does it mean then?"
"Come to my room and I'll show you."
"Where are you?"
"Nice try."
"Pardon?"
"I know what the eggplant means. I'm not an idiot. Nice try luring me to your room."
"So you don't need to come to my room?"
"Yes."
"I should sleep then."
"I never said I allowed you to sleep. A subordinate should come to HIS commander, don't you think?"
"Whatever. Coming."
"See you in a few seconds."
"Yakult."
"They're in the fridge. I got you a new pack."
"How do you want to do it this time?"
"Me wearing your jacket. It's your fetish, isn't it? And I like it rough."
"I am talking about the evacuation plan you kinky piece of shit. The whole meeting earlier was about evacuation."
"I thought it was ejaculation. You need to change the way you say words."
"Yakult."
"Don't you have some left?"
"They're expired."
"Ok. Buying rn."
"Bansai."
"Bansai."
"Are you ok?"
"Sr in tje midle of sthg."
"What the fuck, I thought you were dead. You haven't replied for days. I'm stuck on this damn ship."
"cant do in hospitak w 1 hand. but matajo shud hav told u. the plan wnt bd."
"What happened? I don't understand anything at all. Matako said things got out of control and you are injured. Are you in the hospital now?"
"yes. h elicooter crash. not serious. bak in a fww days. dont wory."
"You have promised to live for my sake. Don't die."
"wont"
"I looked at your phone when you were sleeping. You didn't save my name as Shinsuke. You are a kinky piece of shit."
"The name suits you, I daresay."
"Yakult."
"They are out of stock today."
"Did you ask if they looked in the back?"
"They did. No yakult today."
"I should have you instead. I'm thirsty."
"I looked at your phone as well. I saw my name. It seems you know how to change contact names now. Also, considering the name you put for me, you have no right to call me kinky."
"It suits you well."
"Yakult."
"I'm busy. Matako is getting some."
"BANSAI WHAT'S IS A SCREENCAP?"
"It's a technique I use to save the evidence showing how much of a pervert you can be, over texts only. What's with the yelling?"
"YELLING?"
"You are writing it all in caps. What's wrong?"
"I'M NOT YELLING. MY PHONE HAS BEEN LIKE THIS SINCE THIS MORNING. THIS MEANS YELLING?"
“Yes. It’s annoying. You must have touched the caps lock by accident.”
“TELL ME HOW TO TURN IT OFF.”
“Touch it again.”
“TOUCH WHAT?”
“The caps lock.”
“WHAT? WHERE IS IT?”
"There is a key with the word "caps lock" written on it."
"WHAT KIND OF KEY?"
"Here, I sent a picture, you should find the key that looks like this on your keyboard. Press it one more time, then you no longer look like a screaming maniac."
"I DON'T GET IT. MY PHONE SHOWS NO PICTURE."
"Come to my room, I'll fix it."
"Yakult."
"I just bought five new packs. You should check the fridge first."
"Wrefjqqeyjqeyjqrukafhmahfmyeajhtahta"
"Huh?"
"I left my phone in my butt pocket. What happened?"
"Your butt texted me. I hope it wants me like it did last night."
"There was a fight today. We came prepared. No death."
"Take care."
"I'm fine."
"I don't allow you not to."
"Yakult."
"You still have some left, I daresay. They're not expired."
"I know. But I'm not thirsty."
"Then don't drink."
"But I want to be thirsty so I can drink some yakult."
"I can't help you with that, Shinsuke."
"Yes you can. Come to my room. Bring the yakults so I can have them later."
"Good morning."
"It's 3 in the morning."
"Still morning."
"You missed me already?"
"No."
"You are not sleeping. Why?"
"Nothing."
"Do you not want to talk about it?"
"Yes."
"I won't ask, then."
"Good."
"Do you want me to stay with you on the phone for a while?"
"Yes."
"OK. I'm here."
"Do you think we should work with that Yato?"
"It'd be risky, I daresay."
"He's interesting, tho."
"Indeed. But the Yato aren't something we can play with."
"Are you scared?"
"No. But we should be aware of the Yato."
"Pathetic."
"Kamui is an unstable one, I daresay. It's hard to guess what he thinks. Harder to tell when he gets bored and attacks you."
"His soul is an interesting one."
"His WHAT?"
"His spirit. I mean it literally. Not the eggplant. Don't be jealous. You know I only like yours."
"Please don't talk about that over text."
"You ARE jealous."
"Yakult"
"Omw home with a new pack."
"Gejdgjfwhksfhbwthetwrey25u33g64tdrjvjrf1jg2rki"
"Are you sitting on your phone again?"
",%`;|~-(~(`5÷)~√÷(|&1%|1¶¶&•1|&~¶)#")#")`%"
"Nfjskwikdohqrogog"
"Yes."
"Another fight today. Shinsengumi. Stroke by surprise. No serious casualty. Will report details later."
"Any kill?"
"No."
"Next time make them eat dirt."
"We should be prepared. The attacks may increase."
"Stay safe."
"I will."
"Remember I don't allow you to die. Live for my sake."
"Yakult."
"In the fridge."
"No they're not."
"I'll fetch you some on my way back, then."
"I know I can trust you."
"You better pay me well."
"There's no salary for joining the Kiheitai."
"I'm not talking about money."
"Let's fuck."
"I sat on the phone again. Disregard it."
"Bansai."
"Bansai."
"Bansai."
"Bansai."
.
.
.
"Bansai."
"Bansai."
"Basai."
"What? You sent me 100 messages of my name. I thought somebody was dying."
"It's you if you don't answer the 101th text."
"What's wrong?"
"Can I only text you when something's wrong?"
"No. But what seems to be the matter?"
"How's your mission? Is it over?"
"Missed me already?"
"No."
"I'll be back in a few days."
"Good."
"You should know it. You assigned me this."
"I know."
"Why are you texting me?"
"Because I muss"
"I sent it by accident. It meant nothing."
"I miss you, too."
"Bansai, come to my room."
"The offer may not stand."
"I'm waiting."
"Still waiting."
"I need your eggplant. It doesn't mean soul."
"Come fuck me."
"It isn't me sitting on the phone."
"BANSAI"
"Goddamn it Shinsuke. I was in the middle of a meeting. YOUR meeting. The meeting you have abandoned. My phone literally vibrated itself off the fucking table."
"Oh. Was it smooth?"
"You're lucky the Amanto didn't get mad. I dealt us a good arm trade. The cargo will be shipped by next month."
"Great. Now come to my room. I'm bored."
"I have more tasks to tend to. My boss is a jerk. Mind helping me a bit?"
"Yes I do mind."
"If I've finished quicker, we can have some spare time."
"Spare time for what?"
"Whatever you were so eagerly telling me to come to your room for?"
"Drinking yakult?"
"We both know it's not, I daresay."
"Let's fuck."
"It was me sitting on the phone again. Please disregard it."
"You trusted me when I said I sat on the phone? And you disregarded it?"
"You are my commander. That's my duty to trust and follow you."
"You're an idiot. I hate you."
"I love you, too."
"Yakult."
"Coming."
“BANSAI, I TOUCHED THAT THING AGAIN ON THE PHONE. IT NOW LOOKS LIKE I AM SCREAMING. BUT I AM NOT.”
“Calm down. Have you seen the caps lock button?”
“I AM CALM.”
“Find that button. It has caps lock written on it.”
“I DON’T KNOW WHERE IT IS. COME AND HELP ME.”
“I physically can’t. You sent me on a mission, didn’t you? Find Matako, she may help.”
"I HAVE A QUESTION. WHAT IS A FANDOM?"
"It's where the fans gather and express their loves to their idol. You know, the thing Terakado has. Did Matako fix your caps lock problem?"
"NO, SHE'S BUSY. I FOUND A THING. I THINK IT'S OUR FANDOM. AT LEAST THEY HAVE SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE OUR NAME SMASHED TOGETHER."
"No don't go there."
"I JUST SAW SOMETHING VERY JUICY FROM IT."
"NO. Go find Matako and fix your caps lock."
"SHOULD WE TRY IT WHEN YOU GET BACK?"
"NO. Stay away from the internet, Shinsuke. I'll tell Matako to fix your caps lock!"
“CAN YOU COME TO ME NOW? YOU ARE BACK FROM THE MISSION. THE KIHEITAI THOUGHT I HAVE BEEN SCREAMING AT THEM FOR THE WHOLE WEEK. I NEED YOU TO FIX IT.”
“Didn't Matako fix that?”
“I DID NOT LET HER HELP. SHE'S VERY BUSY. COME HELP."
"I saw your texts on Matako's phone. They are all normal. Nice try."
"I DON'T FOLLOW."
"Drop the act. You have no problem with caps lock. Nice way to lure me to your room."
"I DO HAVE THAT PROBLEM."
"Shinsuke, you know you don't have to pretend anything. If you want me to do something, just say it."
"Really?"
"Really."
"Then just **** then **** my ****. But if you want to ****** then it's fine because my **** wants that too. And I do love ***** and **** or ******* or both would be fantastic. Also don't forget the **** and the ***** and the *****. I'd love to **** with you."
"DAMN IT SHINSUKE!"
"Yakult."
"We are out."
"Then go get me some."
"We are in space."
"You know what to do when I don't have my yakult."
"Coming."
"The next mission might be dangerous. Be careful."
"You care about me? Touching."
"You are my most important subordinate. Of course I care."
"Not because of my eggplant though?"
"That too."
"This mission would be the hardest I've ever taken. I know I said I would live for your sake and I don't plan to die soon. But sometimes life doesn't go as we plan."
Message sent.
"Please go ahead. Don't turn back. You used to have me taking care of everything behind you."
"Now I may no longer be there. I know it would be harder for you."
"But you are not someone who can be stopped by hardship."
"If I don't come back, please live for me."
Message sent.
"I want to live my life with you."
Message not sent due to connection error.
"Yakult."
"Yakult."
"Yakult."
"Yakult."
"Bansai."
"Bansai."
"Bansai."
"Wfjfwjwrhdahqrgrwhwthjtejywtj"
"I sat on my phone again."
"THE CAPS LOCK IS ON AGAIN."
"Bansai."
"Answer me."
"Answer me."
"You said you would live for me."
"You said you wanted both of us to live."
"What happened to that?"
"Answer me."
"You don't want to die."
"You never do what you don't want to do."
"Actually you do. But only when I said it. You do everything I told you to do no matter how much you hate it."
"My wish is your command."
"Now I command you to live."
"I command you to answer and get the fuck back to me."
"Get back to me."
"It was just an explosion."
"Since when tough shit like you die because of an explosion? Lame."
"You can't die because of a stupid explosion."
"I don't allow you to die."
"Please."
"Answer me."
"LOOK, MY CAPS LOCK IS ON AGAIN. NEED HELP."
"You said you would live for my sake. I trusted you."
"And I still do."
"Answer me."
"I love you."
The message cannot be delivered because the number is no longer available.
The message cannot be delivered because the number is no longer available.
The message cannot be delivered because the number is no longer available.
The message cannot be delivered because the number is no longer available.
The message cannot be delivered because the number is no longer available.
The message cannot be delivered because the number is no longer available.
The message cannot be delivered because the number is no longer available.
The message cannot be delivered because the number is no longer available.
- fin -