Chapter Text
Nervously, Taeyong looked around his band members. He had told them at the beginning of the training that the management of SM-Entertainment had asked for a meeting. Since he had taken the call a few days ago, his nerves had been tense, to say the least. Saying he was completely off his rocker was not as far off as one might suspect. A request for a meeting from an executive certainly did not belong in the `employee of the month` book. At least he did not remember a moment since he had signed the contract at the label in which such a meeting with the superiors was linked with positive aspects.
2012 how long ago that was, nevertheless he sometimes had the feeling as if it had been only yesterday. At barely 17 years old, they had lured him in. When he thought back on it, he was embarrassed at how young and naïve little Taeyong had let himself be taken over the table. Where would he be now if he had turned down the headhunter’s dinner back then? It hardly took brain power to realize that at least he wouldn’t be sitting in his current predicament. Cold sweat trickled down his back, and his throat tightened. His heartbeat resembled an uncomfortably fast beat. A full-blown panic attack was threatening to break out inside him. It would completely sweep him off his feet and drown him. This meeting pulled the rug from under his feet. Not now. No, right now, the adrenaline, these fears, all of it was misplaced. His members were counting on him.
It was serious enough that his nervous nature had affected the training. The synchronicity had suffered, as well as the relaxed, joking atmosphere, that they usually displayed. As if blown away and all because of his negative attitude. Mistakes that they hadn’t made in weeks were occurring by the minute today. Their choreographer had already hoisted the sails over an hour ago. When they said goodbye, he made it clear that they had better refocus by tomorrow, otherwise, he was pessimistic for the upcoming concert at the end of August.
No matter how! Taeyong had no choice but to get a grip on these feelings. Get down, and get down fast! He would have liked to take a remedy. The kind that would dissolve all worries into nothing. Something that had a deep relaxing effect within seconds, but such simple solutions came with a price. One that he was not willing to pay in the long run. He wanted to keep his personality. Besides, drugs had the annoying side effect of promoting addiction. Regardless of whether it was the legal or illegal variety. No, swallowing drugs only postponed the problem. All these mind games didn’t help him much in calming his nerves or coming down. He would start looking for a long-term solution as soon as he got this meeting over with.
He sat down, squatted, and reached for his water bottle. Lost in thought, Taeyong scanned the engraved inscription with his outstretched fingers as if in slow motion. `Keep Fighting`. A gift from Doyoung for their second training session in their rookie days, Taeyong had forgotten his drink in the shared apartment out of sheer nervousness. Even then, Doyoung was the most attentive person he knew. He had written their group motto on it, which had accompanied them ever since. Taeyong had stopped counting how many times that little phrase, had helped him through dark times. The phrase itself was no different from the approaches. „What does not kill you makes you stronger“. Or the principle `Everything will be okay in the end. If it is not okay, it’s not the end.` His thoughts drifted once more into the past. Not that his life at 17 was a bed of roses. On the contrary, he was confused and at a loss. In so many ways he had neither ideas, plans, nor even real wishes. The tiresome question about his dream job that came up in many interviews. If he wasn’t an idol, what job would he do?` To be honest, he didn’t know the answer himself.
In the beginning, the idol life was as tempting as the land of milk and honey. But Taeyong learned earlier than many of his members that decisions had consequences. Even simple mistakes were punished harshly. Not by physical attacks, by parading in front of the group and psychological stress. Thus, more subtle, effective and long-lasting. Something that hurt more, but did not leave obvious scars. Their troop had been smaller, more manageable, not so in focus as now. The constant, direct comparison with other idols less present. Not every mistake landed on the gold scale. Whoever thought that taking responsibility was a part of growing up had no idea. There were days when he compared himself to a mother of 22 teenagers. His members relied on him. When they felt they needed help, he was their first port of call. He was the golden grail, the one who had a solution for everything. He was already 93 years old and had absorbed the experience of hundreds. No. He was not in any anime, he did not possess such skills. But such magic powers would make life much easier.
He shook his head, letting it hang forward. The annoying, stabbing pain in his neck had been increasing steadily since the call. But complaining was out of the question. If he revealed again in the wrong place how fed up he was with it all, it was up to him to hand in his resignation directly. His bubble-rant, which had landed in Twitter through a third party, had hit like a bomb. This kind of ‚going viral‘ had absolutely not gone down well with the managers. They saw him and his friends as investments, idols. Not like normal people. They were like mannequins for the number crunchers, they had to work! Like a perfectly tuned watch. Always a smile on their lips, ready to put their whole life behind. For the greater good! As a walking scoreboard of the company. Damn it, they were practically contractually obligated not to enter into any love relationships! But at least to keep them completely out of the public eye. To top it all off, they had to keep their mouths shut. In case of inquiries, nothing ever went wrong. There were no disputes within the group, everyone was on the same wavelength in every respect. In short, there was never any reason to complain. Permanently charming smiling and friendly. Whoever came up with these policies hadn’t read the memo that they were living, sentient beings, not doomed robots. But arguing and having different opinions was part of a good creative process, one would think.
One day? Was that too much to ask? Just one goddamn day? He wanted to do what their fans did every day. Enjoy the sun, fall in love, unwind. Hang up all those pesky responsibilities. For one day. Probably the worry was that this would only increase the desire to live a normal life. Even with a fever, after all, he was expected to apologize to his fans when all he wanted to do was lie in bed to get well. As if he or his friends were begging to get sick! They traveled all over the world, but they didn’t want to catch an illness on the flight. Then it was said again on all social networks, how selfish, they were, because they wanted some relaxation. No matter what he did, it was never enough. If it was up to their bosses, he could relax enough next year when he started his military service. Although then probably not. But then it was only conditionally the care of SM-Entertainment. It was up to him not to produce any bad headlines. Just at the thought of what was possibly ahead of him there all the fear sweat ran.
He would just have to postpone his sleep, to the period when he was two meters under the earth, that was enough! All he asked for was one day! One on which not, all hopes and expectations weighed on him. He could fill a whole excel sheet with it. With all the complaints, which one brought daily to him. Be it, the long-awaited solo album that was promised for months but never implemented. The concerts postponed because of Corona and canceled in the end. The lack of attention of the label towards one or the other subunit. The negative energy that hit you on social media because of controversial topics. The list grew longer every day. Just because years ago, some joker had imposed Taeyong on a title without explaining to him what responsibilities came with that package. This job description apparently included that he knew all the solutions out of nowhere.
His head was smoking from all the worries of his `protectors`. He squinted, what he would give for this next half hour to pass him by. At least then this stupid meeting would be off the table. If he indulged in wishful dreams, he would go home. With a little luck, he would even take a relaxing bath. Without his smartphone jingling every minute as soon as he entered the apartment. Not connecting his cell phone permanently to the Internet was due to his mental health, among other things. Only as soon as he connected to the home WLAN, it played him all the news of the day.
Light, circular movements at the level of his temples were known to help. However, he had the feeling that this small resistance was only a drop in the bucket against the armada of pain marching on the horizon. He had not asked for this icing on the mountain of stress, this forced conversation!
He was so engrossed that he only realized that he had been addressed when Doyoung put his hand on his shoulder. Their eyes met. His counterpart seemed to be able to see directly into his head. Where for Taeyong himself there was only a jumbled, twisted and irredeemably knotted tangle of worries, fears and anxieties, Doyoung seemed to see something else. His best friend knew him better than he knew himself. Which is probably why Doyoung knew exactly what was going on inside him. He at least put on an encouraging smile and nodded at the bottle in Taeyongs hand. „Do you still have that old thing?“
Taeyong pushed out his breath with a sigh, he couldn’t believe how Doyoung always managed to focus his thoughts on other things with his easy-going manner. Only one sentence was needed and his mood brightened noticeably. A true superpower of which Doyoung himself was fortunately unaware. „You want me to throw it away just because it’s a few days old?“ He asked, shaking his head, and put the bottle on. Taeyong took a few sips of the cool liquid before his gaze fell on the clock.
Their reprieve was coming to an end. Doyoung ruffled his hair, causing Taeyong to pull his head away. He was all sweaty after all. His sweaty smell didn’t need to stick to DO’s fingers! He hesitantly retracted his hand because of his clear reaction. Crossed it in front of his chest and looked down at him with a challenging, raised eyebrow. „Sure, as a PUMA poster boy, you have to watch your image, don’t you?“
Taeyong just rolled his eyes. His weakness for brand-name products was within limits, `NoName products` definitely had their raison d’être as well. Some of them were more robust and able to withstand more suffering than the expensive alternatives. He would not complain. Such an advertising deal was positive for the image „We are all part of the deal not just me.“ He defended himself in response, but only got a waving off hand. The others seemed ready to go to the gallows. The main dancers had towels on the back of their necks, sweat, shimmering with every movement like a sports car polished to a shine. The rest of the troupe looked no less harried. Taeyong would have liked to send them home. The break was absolutely deserved. Especially since they all desperately needed this rest. This decision was not up to him; he only embodied the executive power.
The waiting looks pierced him like arrows. Taeyong deftly covered it up, shouldering his bag after stowing the bottle. „It was a good workout today... Sorry we still have to go to that talk today.... Let’s just see that we get it over with quickly!“ Usually, he would have gotten a verbal confirmation. But the mood was too tense, the situation with too many unknown variables. Damn it, Taeyong couldn’t help it! After all, he wanted to be just like the tired warriors, just get in the elevator and go home!
But the CEO was abundantly clear on the phone that they were to show up DIRECTLY after training. By the tone of voice alone, it was clear that talking back was pointless. Better to get the whistle blown right away, then they had it over with the quickest. What was it this time? Which thing had they supposedly screwed up again? The fact that some of the members had caught Covid shortly before the turn of the month, just in time for the Dreamies‘ concert, was nobody’s fault. It wasn’t like they were scurrying from one mass flight to the next to meet the tight schedules of their company.
Speaking of tight. He loved his members, yes. They were like part of his big second, non-blood family to him, but.... If there was a reporter on the scene now, crammed in with them in that getup, they could hang up their idol image. No matter what some people said about sweat only starting to smell after a certain time, it stank here! He wrinkled his nose and looked into the crowd. Haechan looked suspiciously to the ground. Johnny, who was standing next to Haechan, had a grin on his face, which he tried to cover up. Aye. So it wasn’t just the smell of sweat. Well, that could happen. Probably unavoidable with the stress level though.
„What the heck did you eat, please?!“ He then inquired as the smell became so intense that Taeyong could have sworn he saw stars before his eyes. „Yesterday, I was out with YangYang and Renjun. They insisted that we eat HotPot.... I probably shouldn’t have tried a new kind...“ You don’t say! Taeyong stifled the comment and just nodded. Shortly after, the pling of the elevator signaled their way to freedom. He was briefly tempted to breathe a sigh of relief as they walked along one of the glass assembly rooms. Now where was that room in the....!
Taeyong was as if he had been punched in the pit of the stomach, slowly and as unobtrusively as possible, he turned his head to his band members, scanning their reactions carefully. Whoever the reason for this conversation was, would be in big trouble. He’d only had one of their managers on the phone. Had assumed a normal reprimand. The typical. You stupid, stupid guys got us in trouble with your V-Live that you ran without a manager, don’t you ever do that again.
But whom he saw in the room. No. The person who unmistakably waved his hand and told them to enter the room. It was none other than the company’s founder himself. Lee Soo-man. So they were in deep shit. Thank you. They could pick up their notice for whatever in a staggered manner right away. Nice. Saved on postage, I guess. He blinked, swallowed, and clawed his fingers at the nearest object. A painful intake of air to his left made him look. Oh. When had he been clutching Doyoungs hand. Taeyong was about to launch into an apology when Doyoung gave him a look that meant they had other things to worry about. With a wave of his head, he gestured for Taeyong to finally enter the meeting room. Ah right. He was the leader of their group, after all. He would have to answer for it. Exactly. Always focus on the problem at hand.
Not listening to that inner voice that was truly impressed with how perfectly Doyoung had come to control his facial features when it came to official matters. All those roles in dramas and serials had definitely paid off. He let go of Doyoungs hand and opened the door. Waited until the whole troupe had entered before bowing to those present with their usual rehearsed synchronized greeting. With his right hand, he caught his left wrist. He was ready. Gripped for the interview. It would be professional. His team members and he would have a good cry later, in each other’s arms. With no uninvolved pairs of eyes. About the fact that their big dream of continuing to earn money by singing and dancing, bringing joy to people and enjoying their lives, had been shattered. At this moment, he should not offer such thoughts a platform. This was pure business talk. Taeyong avoided swallowing because that was exactly what stuck in his throat. Either he cleared his throat now, which was absolutely unprofessional and rude, since they were expected to listen to their counterpart. Or simply choke on his spit. The latter sounded like an extremely tempting idea in the back of his mind right now. A simple way to escape all the rest of his worries. Final yes, and certainly not what he had in mind for the end of his life. But definitely an option.
„Ahh, there you are. Our dear ILLICHIL’S, straight from training I see. Good good.“ Came a smile from the company’s founder, who followed up his statement with a hand gesture. „Let’s all sit down.“ Every fiber of TAE’s body screamed to turn on its heel right now. To make his way through his friends and sprint down the entire stairwell at lightning speed in a single bound, stopping running only after Seoul’s city limits. He suppressed his instincts and with a slightly suggested turn of his head, managed to get the other members to find chairs and sit down. He took advantage of the general shuffling of chairs to clear his throat inconspicuously. At least a crisis averted. His subconscious noted. Before it steered his knee under the table as if by remote control so that it bumped into Doyoungs. This emblematic grounding, helped him deflect some of the stress. His attention was fully forward again. The CEOs, as well as a few other high-ranking company officials, had joined the conversation. Probably the typical entourage of their company founder. Taeyong just scanned this crowd with a quick glance. Definitely. This must be how a lamb felt when it was thrown to a pack of hungry wolves.
„How are you guys doing? Is everything okay so far?“ Small talk. Now. None. Not one of his usually attention-seeking members seemed in any particular conversational mood now. Why should they?! Taeyong tightened his toes in his shoes to somehow give in to the urge to cramp and relax. „Everything is absolutely fantastic. We’re... Just a little exhausted from training. And admittedly a little tense.... Because we haven’t been told directly what the framework for today’s conversation entails.“ His brain was working at full speed. No flippant statements, using the most polite way to talk to the founder, regarding honorifics. Oh, and breath! Breath!
„I’m glad to hear that. Yes, your dance elements are among the most strenuous. But practice makes perfect, as we all know.“ The company founder’s gaze briefly took on a doubtful expression and he looked irritably at one of the employees in the front row. Almost as if he wanted to say with a gesture: You and I have a monologue to do later! Before his attention was back on Taeyong. „I thought you guys had already been informed about this. I actually just wanted to congratulate you guys.“
Taeyong was completely lost. Congratulations. On being fired. THAT method was definitely new to him. But yeah. Have fun in unemployment. You don’t get a contract with any record label in the world, if that’s not with us again. Could be formulated apparently also in positive. His facial expression must have been clear enough because his counterpart finally explained his statement. „Now at my request, your managers have put on hold all publicity, interviews and commitments in September.“ Aye. So as of September, the notice was in effect. Even if somewhat cryptically formulated, but one came in the business life apparently only up to a certain career rung if one openly and honestly announced his opinion. Noted. Taeyongs head lowered slightly in a nod. He knew it was rude to just nod silently and say nothing, but he couldn’t force himself to do more. It was hard enough to keep his focus. This worry was threatening to take over. Damn it, they had worked for years and for what? If he forced himself to say something now, tears would probably roll. Something he had forbidden himself to do when he had entered the room. He would not let that break in, come what may!
„So you won’t be able to promote your new album until October.“ So the hard work they had put into it was not in vain, good. So they would play this game until the end of the year or what? What did that have to do with September then, please? He didn’t understand the world anymore. After still no one interrupted him, their company boss continued. „You will be able to enjoy your well-deserved vacation in a camp together with the Dreamies and the WayVs for one month in September.“
This sentence was enough to completely blow his brain connections. Vacation. On their job. With the other subunits? What? How? Why? But as he was about to ask these very questions, his counterpart continued. „You’ll have to shoot a few more sequences in the coming month then, unfortunately, so the fans won’t notice your downtime too much. But all in all, this is a time out. A time for you guys to grow as a team again. I know the revelation about you guys getting two more subunits over the next year hit you unexpectedly.“ A well-placed look at another person from the front row. Apparently the release of this information so early in the year had not been sanctioned from the top. „Also that the draft into the military starts next year has favored this decision. We just want to give something back to you for your commitment over the past years. But it irritates me that you have not been informed about it yet!“
The whole posture and attention was now directed to the only standing person in the room, next to their founder. One of the managers with whom Taeyong had often had the pleasure. An extremely stubborn fellow and not necessarily easy to take care of. But now apparently as docile as a defenseless little mouse. „I thought this vacation had already been arranged with the other subunits?!“ The tone was like a slap in the face and although the scolding was not directed at Taeyong he noticed how his gaze fixed on the table. Definitely one did not want to be on the other end of that statement. „But“ he was using the highest form of courtesy. „of course, as requested, we cleared this in advance with the members of WayV and Dream. Mark and Haechan were present at the Dreamies‘ meeting. They had all expressed their approval and --“ A hand gesture was enough and the usually grumpy guy paused in mid-sentence. Facial expressions changed back to a friendly, if slightly less cordial smile than before, while Taeyong landed back in focus. „Well apparently you haven’t had a chance to talk about it within NCT. But I think you welcome this time off as much as we do? You are an important part of SM-Entertainment and we would like to keep it that way for a long time. Such vacation undertakings help to let the everyday worries fly away. So they are for your own good.“
So not a resignation. But a seriously meant vacation offer. Taeyong quickly let his gaze wander over the members. Haechans and Marks gaze was suspiciously focused on the floor. So the CEO hadn’t been lying. The two of them had known about it and decided to keep quiet about it. There would be another conversation about that later. No matter how much he loved his members. This kind of thing was not tolerable! To let him and the others of 127 walk into the knife like that! Taeyong put on his winning smile and the friendliest tone of voice. „Of course we’re looking forward to it. NCT is like a big family after all. So it would be really fantastic to spend some more time together. And --“ A ringing could be heard. Obviously from the cell phone of Mr. Lee himself. He took the call and dealt with it in a few sentences before hanging up and apologizing.
„I’m sorry that was my daughter. But if you’re okay with it, everything’s fine. Isn’t it? I’m sure my capable managers“ the tone of voice suggested that this dilemma they had organized today was not yet over for those from the first row. „will keep you informed about the further sensitivities. I would really like to have a longer conversation with you, however. Force me other obligations now the way home to begin. If we don’t see each other again, I wish you and by that I mean all of you from NCT a nice and relaxing vacation!“ with these words the company founder grabbed his bag some documents and hurried out of the room. The other employees also stood up and the manager, who was primarily responsible for Taeyong, announced with a hand signal that he would probably leave as well. „I’ll send you the information he talked about via messager! If you have any questions you can ask them during the month!“