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Your heart is fucking pounding.
It's far too late to be dealing with this much adrenaline, but you're already this far and you can't say that the thought of doing this hasn't been eating away at you for months. You've spent that time waiting for the stars to align in whatever way that lets this series of events unfold to bring you here, lying on your side staring at the silhouetted back of your boyfriend. He's sound asleep in front of you and has been for hours, while you sit awake replaying various possibilities and scenarios in your head before gathering the nerve to make a move.
You haven't even done anything and you feel like your heart might beat out of your chest in pure anticipation. It doesn't help that the amount of time you've spent thinking about this only adds to the anxiety now that you're dealing with the reality of actually *doing* something about it. Not to say you haven't tried before, albeit unsuccessfully due to having quickly given up each time, nerves and guilt getting the better of you.
It's not even as if there should be any reason to feel guilty. You've been given fairly explicit permission to touch Hajime as you please when he's sleeping. That is,after dancing around the subject in a more than awkward manner, With more than a few exchanges being left on kind of vague insinuations or jokes about how it could be pretty convenient for the both of you so Hajime doesn't even have to be woken up (because let's face it, he's not exactly what you'd call a morning person either for that matter), and Hajime indicating back that you don't necessarily *need* to wake him up at all if that's what you want, and mostly leaving it at that since you both could fairly clearly piece together the rest without having to embarrass yourselves further.
Though, of course, you'd made a point to clarify certain boundaries despite the awkwardness and anxiety of even having to talk about it at all. You may have stumbled through the conversation, but on a bigger level you'd hate it even more if you did anything that would actually hurt him or cross a line. You needed to be absolutely sure before dipping into anything as dubious as this.
Those conversations took place probably weeks ago now at this point, and it's taken this long to actually work yourself up to it, despite knowing how much of a real possibility it was now. All those nights before anything was established where you were cuddled right up behind him, palms and fingertips grazing his soft warm skin under his shirt, trailing just barely inside his shorts (but never wandering too far despite wishing you could, and knowing you could probably get away with it with Hajime none the wiser), mostly just letting your hands rest on his thighs and ass, feeling how hard you would get just from the thought of pulling his underwear to the side, how easy it could be to just touch and feel him, and how the heat centered on the back of your neck and your groin the more you pictured the possibilities, all while holding yourself back and instead usually resorting to quietly getting yourself off in your spot next to him.
And though you never let yourself cross any lines it didn't mean you didn't at least do a little experimenting. Mostly to gauge how heavy of a sleeper Hajime was, how much you could caress your hands under his shirt and on his ass and thighs before he stirred or had a change in breathing, how gradually you could increase the pressure of your hand on his skin so as not to wake him. You already knew that he could easily sleep through a decent bit of shuffling and movement from your side of the bed, and you knew that you were only digging your own grave by toeing the line in this way, but the sheer amount of mental excitement and satisfaction you got in the moment was a thrill that was worth ensuring every calculated move remained within your limitations. And besides, cataloguing these factors from your experiments only added to the mental fantasies of *actually* crossing that line. But the more experimenting and fantasizing you did only plagued you more and more with the desire to actually go through with it and just take what you knew could be so easy. It made it hard to think about anything else sometimes if you were honest.
Only now that it's finally happening you're practically buzzing with anxiety and anticipation. But still, the excitement keeps you pushing forward. You begin to replicate all of the movements you've done so many other nights, but knowing they won't have to be cut short this time is making you feel insane, intensifying every little gesture and feeling in your own body.
Your hand rests lightly at his waist, as you watch and listen to his steady, shallow breaths. You realize your hand is actually shaking.
Wow.
You need to calm down.
So you try to do just that. You take a few mental steps back and try to bring yourself back down to earth. There's no need to be overeager and rush into anything (and possibly ruin it for yourself like you did the last few times). Instead you just lay there for a little while, hand on his waist as you take deep, calming breaths as you watch him sleep. Even now, despite knowing what you plan to do, just looking at him in the dark fills you with so much appreciation. Letting yourself get lost in his breaths, his quiet sounds and the steady rise and fall of his back and shoulders. It really is something to admire, seeing him so peaceful compared to his usual outward state when he's awake or around anyone other than you. And not only that, but knowing you get *this much* from him. This much trust, for him to let down his guard in such a way where you of all people have been given permission to have your way with him while he remains unaware and completely vulnerable to you.
It really is the highest privilege, you think.
You feel a little more collected as you note your hand resting a bit more firmly on his side. With a steady breath, you gently slide your hand upward toward his chest, fingers grazing a couple of moles that you've memorized the placement of, having spent other nights absently tracing along his back, something comforting for the both of you. Your fingertips graze the sudden rise of the scars on his chest that you've also spent so much time tracing. You let every movement linger along the way, relishing in taking your time to really ingrain each moment to your memory, while also keeping your movements as gentle as possible for his sake.
You take your time in sliding your hand down his side again, feeling every curve and the warmth of his skin against your hands, the intensity of the moment making the contact feel so much hotter than it actually is. Your hand settles on his ass- fingertips just grazing the back of his thigh as you pause. The air has turned increasingly heady around you, making your head swim as you inch closer. Your grip subconsciously tightens on his ass before you can correct it, and Hajime stirs just slightly under your hand, nearly making you jump out of your skin as you pull back.
Shit.
You let out a shaky breath, watching him and his breathing. It was barely anything, but the anticipation has made you so hyper reactive to any changes in his sleep. It looks like it was fine though; his breathing is still the same, and he didn't move much past that. You think you're probably good. You place your hand back where it was -- even more gently this time -- and just lay there for a moment, letting your sleeping partner get used to the feeling even if he's not directly aware of it. Finally letting yourself move again, you start to glide your fingers inward and down, feather light, your breath hitching as you can feel how close you are to him now. You're checking for any signs of anything, breathing, movement, sounds, anything.
Nothing. Just the same steady breaths as before. Looks like your luck might finally be coming around again.
You slide your fingers just slightly deeper between his legs, and you feel the hot skin near his dick. It's so hot. You reposition your hand just slightly and your middle finger slips between the folds there, meeting flesh that's even hotter, and slightly wet. Both your head and cock throb at the feeling. You didn't even realize you were this hard, but you can feel the fabric of your boxers straining against you, a wet spot already forming at the tip a pretty clear indication of your own eagerness.
Holy shit.
You slide your fingers against him, spreading around the wetness that was there already, but it doesn't feel like it's quite wet enough to ensure there's no excess friction that could wake him. Better safe than sorry, you figure. You brace yourself to remove your hand from its position, hoping this doesn't screw you and the progress you've made. You bring your fingers up close to your mouth, letting the saliva you've accumulated coat them before bringing them back down, careful not to drip anywhere. You manage to reposition yourself actually better this time, able to spread him a bit easier so you can reach even deeper, taking your wet fingers and spreading it around, feeling how fucking hot the skin is and spreading it up further toward his dick, your breathing increasingly heavy, stroking it between your fingers as he remains completely unchanging and unaware.
Completely at your will.
Fuck.
You stroke and touch his cock ever so gently, feeling its heat between your fingers. You can't be sure, maybe you're just overthinking it but it almost feels like he is getting harder under your touch, and even just the idea of that makes you even needier for *more*, all the heat rushing to your cock.
You pull your fingers back just slightly, middle finger circling his entrance before just barely dipping inside, and holy fuck it's even hotter and you can feel yourself starting to lose your grasp on the self control you've kept such a tight reign on. But you do need to be careful if you want this to go even further. You know that.
You try to steady your breathing as you slide your finger in further, taking in the drastic difference in feeling that almost makes you come on the spot. You didn't expect him to feel so noticeably relaxed as your finger slides so easily inside him. Usually you can feel him squeeze against you or tighten up a bit as soon as you enter and it's a feeling you'll never tire of, but fuck this is something else entirely. You slide a second finger closer, circling carefully before it easily slides in to join the first.
"Hah..."
You can't help but let out a sound, watching him to make sure it wasn't too loud. Fuck, this keeps getting more intense than you expect and there's still only up from here. You still your fingers even deeper inside him, feeling the warm wetness as you feel like you might have a fucking heart attack with how heavily your pulse is pounding. You know you're pushing your luck already going this far and you don't know how much longer this will last but you find yourself craving more and wanting to push it as far as it will go.
Realistically you know the stakes aren't that high. You know you're more than allowed to be doing this, and you probably shouldn't be this anxious about waking him up, but by this point you've gotten so in your head and in the moment that it still feels like you're doing something terrible and dirty and you need to be careful not to wake him up- and honestly this was kind of the whole point, him staying asleep the whole time. Not that you'd ever mind if he were to wake but it would add so much more uncertainty if he did. Whether he'd be confused or grumpy about being woken up, or how much you'd have to explain, or if he just wasn't in the mood, or any other scenario in all of the potential possibilities that'd just create unnecessary conflict when this could stay so easy, being able to do exactly what you want to him and taking what you want and not having to make him a part of it at all. Plus you couldn't even be sure if you'd have the guts to follow through with fucking him through waking up because any other time before he'd just jerked away in a manner that made you feel increasingly nervous and guilty about it, to the point of you just letting him just go back to sleep and settling for trying again another night. You knew your patience would pay off some time regardless.
You breathe heavily as you start to move your fingers, pumping them ever so slowly in him, reaching deeper, feeling the warmth mixing with the wetness of your saliva covered fingers inside him. There's still been zero indication of any changes in his sleep since that one brief movement. It makes you a little bolder, moving your fingers just slightly faster as your hips try to grind against the space you've left between the two of you, the air around you getting hotter and heavier. Your fingers keep sliding in and deeper and you can't quite tell but it feels like he's actually getting wetter and just the thought nearly drives you over the edge, panting to yourself and stilling your movements before you get ahead of yourself. You squeeze your eyes shut, brow furrowing as you focus on collecting yourself once again, taking steady breaths in through your nose and exhaling as quietly as possible from your mouth.
You feel yourself settle slightly once more, at least enough to move again. You need to do this carefully if you want a chance to take this as far as you know you could. You're past the point of even thinking if you should or not, a considerable amount of critical thinking having since left your brain in favor of just wanting instead.
Slowly, you spread your fingers by a small amount, stretching him open on them even more. He stretches easily, his unconsciousness lending him a state of relaxation you've never felt like this before. You gently scissor your fingers inside him until you figure it's probably good to move forward, feeling yourself getting antsy all over again with each step taken. You don't know how long you'll be able to last if this works.
You carefully slide your fingers out, making sure none of your movements are too big or sudden as you shuffle and readjust your body rather awkwardly, trying to figure out the angle before committing to it, but luckily for you the way Hajime is curled up on his side lends itself more than perfectly for you to be able to slot right up against him.
You take your cock out of your boxers, stroking it a few times to spread the leaking precum. You realize you're really fucking hard. It's been a while since anything has gotten to you like this and your cock is aching. You need to be touched, you need to be inside him.
You position your hips even closer behind Hajime, using your hand to help line yourself up with the awkward position in the dark. You press forward and feel your tip meet the wet warmth you had just been feeling around your fingers. God. Fuck. Okay. You can do this.
You press forward, and the tip of your cock slips inside, enveloped in so much warmth, its so fucking soft, God. Your breath shudders as you struggle to hold yourself back, almost missing the hitch in Hajime's breathing, but certainly not missing the way he tensed around your cock, almost sending you straight over the edge.
Fuck. You tense and hold your breath.
You can't do anything. If you move again in either direction you could risk waking him up even more. You have to just sit here and hope he settles again. Your heart is racing and your cock is fucking throbbing inside him and every nerve in your body is wanting you to move because it's not enough and you need more. You can't. You have to keep it together.
You don't know how long it takes, probably not long at all, but it feels like an eternity before you're sure enough that his breathing is back to the way it was before, and that he's since relaxed again around your cock. The waiting and anticipation already made the buildup that much more intense and you can already feel how close you are. You don't want to come this early but every fibre of your being is practically begging for it in spite of your self control.
You finally start to push in deeper, feeling the relaxed soft flesh take it easily. Fuck, it's so wet. Knowing that on some level this is subconsciously reaching Hajime and his body is reacting in spite of him excites you even more, feeling yourself somehow get even harder as you get closer with every little movement. You push yourself in as deep as you can go, filling your unconscious boyfriend and your head is swimming in the intoxicatingly thick air. Your hand is at his hip, gently spreading his ass even more to get even just a little deeper as the pressure builds in your abdomen. Holy fucking shit it's so hot and wet and soft around you, it's so familiar and yet entirely different.
You're overcome with how good it feels combined with the knowledge of the complete and utter trust that Hajime has put into you. This is entirely for you and only you and it will only ever get to be you and Hajime is the one to give that up which makes it an even bigger privilege than if it were anyone else in the world.
You get so caught up in your thoughts that you almost don't realize how much pleasure had caught up to you as you had been thrusting ever so gently into your boyfriend, your breathing fast and heavy, trying to be as quiet as possible as your hips falter.
"Hah.. fff-" you bite your lip so hard you could nearly break skin to keep from making too much noise as your cock twitches inside of your boyfriend, pleasure becoming overwhelming and desperate. Your hips jerk even deeper and you hold your breath as you feel yourself spilling out inside him, filling him with your cum and your fingers instinctively press into his hip, body shuddering as you ride through the pleasure. You let out a harsh breath through your nose, brows furrowed intensely as you still inside of him, sensitive cock twitching against the wet warmth, barely able to register the occasional soft pulses you feel around you, only adding to the sensation. Fuck, you cant tell, he's still in such a deep sleep, but that fact that his body is clearly reacting in this way is insane.
You don't immediately pull out, relishing in the heat and pressure around your dick. You realize how fucking sweaty and warm you are, the intensity of what you've done having gotten to you so much and all you can do is bask in it. Your hand feels so hot against Hajime's skin, having not moved from it's spot against his hip. You've practically knocked the wind out of yourself from the intensity of your release, but you still can't bring yourself to pull out quite yet, not wanting to cut anything about this process short.
You twitch your hips forward again, managing a few small thrusts as you barely contain your overstimulated noises, dick moving inside even easier with the increased wetness. You almost think you could keep going because it's so fucking hot, but you dont want to push your luck any further than you already have. Though the idea of filling your sleeping boyfriend with more than one load makes your face and neck burn. A thought for a future endeavor perhaps...
Instead you still, and brace yourself before pulling out all of the way as the sensation intensifies on your overly-sensitive skin. Fuck. You almost wish it wasn't quite as dark in here, or that you could remove the blanket covering the both of you without fear that it'd wake Hajime up, just to see the image of your cum you knew would be leaking out of him, knowing you were the cause of that, all while he was fast asleep. Instead, you resort to reaching your hand back down, fingers quickly finding their spot again where your cock used to be. You feel the warm stringy wetness there, playing with it between your fingers, pushing them inside him ever so slightly to feel even more, picturing what it must look like almost brings you back to full hardness so quickly. Your breathing gets heavier despite having mostly settled just moments before. You don't even intend to cum again, you're simply just enjoying the moment, the mental aspect honestly more enjoyable than any physical sensation at this point.
You pull your fingers away before too long, not wanting to make too much of a mess before the morning. Your excitement doesn't even end at just this, your mind already heading toward the anticipation and nerves at what tomorrow morning will bring. You hope you wake up before him, being able to catch Hajime's sleepy realization, excited for how he might react when he does, and knowing full well you'll only catalogue it for further fantasies to recall. You have to admit that you're still a little apprehensive regardless, which sounds silly, considering what you've just done. You're still worried on some level if this will actually be okay, if he'll react well or if for some unknown reason you might have crossed some line that you shouldn't have, despite having all the reassurance you could possibly need it was so easy to send yourself down a thought spiral of mistrust in yourself if Hajime isn't there to immediately reassure you that you're fine, really.
Either way, you try not to worry too much, logically knowing all of the reasons why this was more than fine and that the reaction you'll be given will be more than worth it. You wipe yourself off before settling further, finally feeling your heart rate slow and the calm sleepiness after release setting in.
You shuffle a bit higher, returning to your usual spot behind Hajime. You slide your arm over him, wrapping around his waist and holding him close. Burying your face in the back of his neck you place a few small kisses to the skin there, inciting a small hum from the boy in your arms and not much else. If he had woken up at all he's sure to quickly settle again.
You instinctively hum back and give him a small squeeze as your eyelids grow heavier and your heart rate slows to a satisfied calm after all of the excitement you've given yourself tonight.