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Anakin was not a virgin. Everyone assumed he was, especially because most Jedi are well known in the galaxy to not have attachments.
They cannot marry. They cannot fully emote. They cannot let others see weakness. There are many that even believe Jedi are not allowed to have weaknesses.
Jedi are meant to be the keepers of peace.
Many are expected to swallow their pride, tears, anguish, and fear. They are taught to be still, mindful and wise. A single flinch could compromise an entire mission.
They are meant to show fortitude, but they neither perceive or express much emotion.
Not Anakin. No, he was weak. He wore his emotions on every part of his being. His anguish was a tidal wave in a lightning storm, drowning everything in its wake. His happiness was a vast nebula full of stardust and blue ionized gasses floating in space, a display of the most beautiful sights the universe had to offer.
His sadness, despair, hopelessness… Obi-Wan had once compared it to a darkness that is followed by the silent and gentle goodnight of a dying star in a galaxy far away, darkening the skies in mourning.
Anakin knew he was not like the other Jedi. While he was considered the Chosen One, the person that is meant to restore balance to the force, he knew he did not hold the smallest of candles to the other Jedi.
Anakin wondered if his weakness was borne from his beginnings as a slave boy on Tatooine. He was 9 years old when he was saved by his master and master Qui-Gon. While Anakin continues to feel he is not worthy of this life he was given, he does hold deep gratitude for the Jedi that saved him from that awful planet.
Before being saved, Anakin mostly worked the sand in the dry desert where he and the other younger boys mined for parts.
It did not happen often, but there were nights when his old master called him away from the others and whispered terrible things in his ear, his breath thick with Dathormir mead. Even as a 9 year old boy that did not understand the words being spoken to him, Anakin remembers feeling his skin crawl.
Months before meeting his new Master, the same man that pulled him away from his work took him back to his sleeping quarters and removed his clothes and touched him while Anakin cried and screamed and kicked and begged and tried to get away. Anakin remembers it happened multiple times before the day he was taken away from there, each time taking more and more of his spirit away from him.
Obi-Wan assumed the bruises the healers found on him was just part of the unfortunate reality of working with machinery all day in the blistering heat as a young uncoordinated boy.
Anakin had promised himself to ensure that no one, especially Obi-Wan, knew the truth of his life on Tatooine. Even the thought of anyone knowing his shame made him want to claw at himself until his pale flesh bled.
Anakin knew the force was strong in him, he could feel it running through his veins like a constant adrenaline rush, flowing and dancing under his skin.
Even with this strong mystifying force running through him, he continues to struggle to shape it to his will. Anakin had a conflicting relationship with the force. He was meant to bring balance and restoration.
Some days the force took his breath away with its strength, other days it was a cruel reminder that he could not save himself all those years ago even when the force was within him.
No, he decided years ago. Obi-Wan cannot know just how much he failed himself, how he allowed himself to be used in a way that surely his master would be disappointed by.
***
Like most Jedi, Obi-Wan was assumed to not have a weakness. He was an incredible negotiator, a man that could steal the attention of a room full of people and dazzle them with his words.
It was only Obi-Wan that knew how wrong the others were.
He had a weakness. It was his former padawan.
Jedi are instructed to finish the mission, most times regardless of the cost. Obi-Wan knew sacrifices had to be made for the purpose of destroying the separatists, sometimes that meant the loss of life.
Anakin was an exception. He could not, he cannot, bear to lose him. Obi-Wan decided not long after he began training the boy that he would protect him no matter what.
Now his padawan has grown to be an incredible Jedi Knight and a dear friend.
Obi-Wan spent time after many missions meditating on his inclinations and it always came to the same conclusion.
Anakin meant everything to him.
It took much courage and rebelliousness to relish in the reality that while Jedi did not have attachments, Obi-Wan did and he could not find it in his soul to care about what was expected of him any longer.
Obi-Wan knew Anakin felt the same way, he could feel it in their force bond that they never got around to separating once Anakin cut his braid and became a Jedi Knight, a near equal to his master.
Even though Obi-Wan’s heart of hearts knew Anakin’s feelings, he waited until his former padawan was ready to realize it.
It finally happened after a mission while they were in their shared quarters looking after each other’s battle wounds. Anakin pulled Obi-Wan into a chair while he rummaged through their cabinets looking for healing supplies.
Anakin walked away from the mission with a few scratches and purple bruises. Obi-Wan was a bit more compromised, a metal shard had cut through his left shoulder.
“Master, you might want to brace. This is going to sting,” Anakin said apologetically as he poured bacta around the wound.
Obi-Wan hissed at the contact with the gelatinous substance, looking away and into the mirror where he saw Anakin concentrating with his tongue peaking out between his teeth. He focused on unraveling the gauze to hold the skin together while the bacta healed his master.
Obi-Wan continued to stare, stealing glances that Anakin did not notice because of his concentration. With awe in his blue eyes, Obi-Wan took in his former padawan’s beautiful features.
“Thank you, Ani,” Obi-Wan nearly whispered once the bandages were taped around his shoulder tightly to stop the bleeding.
Anikan looked down at his master with his mouth slightly open with surprise, “You haven’t called me that in a long time.”
“I suppose you are right,” Obi-Wan agreed.
“I’m right? Wow, are you sure you didn’t sustain any head injuries, Master?” Anikan teased.
Normally his teasing would prompt a jest back and forth between the two of them, however tonight Obi-Wan was feeling too fond to find it in himself to tease.
Anakin cleared his throat when he realized his master wasn’t going to respond, instead they stared at each other with a silent longing.
Anakin broke eye contact first, coughing again. “It was another close call today. I thought for sure they shot you dead.”
Obi-Wan heard the subtle shaking in the younger man’s voice. He wanted to kiss away the fear that surged through their force bond.
So he did.
Obi-Wan leaned in and pressed his mouth to Anikan’s chapped yet soft lips.
The force swirled through them both like a warm breeze at that moment. Anakin’s breath hitched while his master reached for the younger man’s cheek to hold.
They pulled away after a few moments, Anakin’s breathing still slightly broken and Obi-Wan silently cursing himself for not asking first. With all of Obi-Wan’s training, he still had the tendency to act before thinking.
It did not appear to bother his former padawan. Anakin subconsciously lifted his fingers to his lips and stared at his Master with big blue eyes.
“Kriff, is this a dream?” Anakin asked.
Obi-Wan broke into a laugh for the first time that evening.
“I sure hope not. Was that okay, Ani?”
Anikan’s blush deepened as he nodded, “I have been wanting that for a long time.”
“I know,” Obi-Wan admitted.
Anakin's eyes got even bigger at that, his breath picked up speed and he threw a hand behind his head. He was embarrassed. “Obi-Wan, how obvious have I been? How long have you known? I have been so afraid that I was being bad–”
Obi-Wan reached for his hand and held it with both of his, “Not bad, never bad. Anakin, I know this goes against our training and what I have taught you, but I knew I could not continue our journey in this life together without telling you how I feel.”
Anikan tightened his hold in Obi-Wan’s hands, “Tell me that you want this too. I don’t think I can bear that being our first and last kiss, Master.”
Obi-Wan dropped Anikan’s hand and threw his arms around the younger man. Anakin was shaking and he could feel the longing dancing between them.
Obi-Wan knew this would not be easy, but knowing that his feelings have been exposed and are mutually shared, he did not find it in his soul to care.
Obi-Wan leaned into Anakin, “I want this too, I want you too. We will figure this out together.”
Obi-Wan pulled away long enough to locate his former padawan’s mouth for another kiss.
***
They figured it out.
It took a lot of push and pull, some angsty conversations under the stars, and Anakin almost dying (again) to really solidify their need for each other.
Obi-Wan loves him with every fiber of his being. Obi-Wan will always be a Jedi Master, but he learned that regardless of the Jedi way, he was more than happy to bend the rules in order to be attached, to have attachment, with Anakin.
It had been months since they shared that evening in their shared quarters and confessed their feelings for each other.
Obi-Wan and Anikan stole kisses from each other every chance they got. Anakin would pass his master in the empty halls and after a quick assurance of their privacy, the younger man pushed his master against the wall and kissed him deeply. It took Obi-Wan’s breath away.
They had already shared living quarters, but more recently they started sharing their beds with each other on most nights.
It was mostly innocent.
Sometimes Anakin deepened their kiss and moaned quietly in Obi-Wan’s mouth. It made the older man need to calm himself down by thinking of anything other than Anakin grinding on top of him.
Obi-Wan knew Anakin understood sex and the natural progression of relationships (based on many previous gossipy conversations regarding the relationships of their non-Jedi peers). Even though Anakin was aware of that, Obi-Wan did not want his obvious physical arousal to push Anakin to do something he may not be ready to do.
It was a few nights later when they were once again holding each other and taking turns kissing each other that Obi-Wan tested the topic.
“You are insatiable, you know that? Your kisses are going to leave marks if we’re not careful,” his master teased.
Anakin laughed at that and teased back, “Whatever do you mean, master?”
Obi-Wan reached to rest his hand on Anakin’s cheek. “What I’m saying is, if you keep kissing me like this I may want to find new places to kiss you.”
Anakin’s smile fell and his eyes widened, “Is that something you want?”
Obi-Wan could feel the nervousness through their bond, “Only if that is something you want. I am also very much content kissing the way we are now and that doesn’t have to change.”
Anakin, still unsure, replied quietly.
“I want it, what you want. I want that too.”
Obi-Wan’s mouth opened slightly, surprise and fondness and awe spilling through their bond.
Obi-Wan could see the moment when Anakin felt it flow through him too, the younger man started to smile again.
Obi-Wan still felt the insecurity through their bond and decided to take things very slowly in case he was misreading his nervousness when it was actually disinterest.
The Jedi master took the younger man’s hand in his and kissed his fingers and knuckles one by one.
Anakin started giggling at the sensation until he was pulled into another embrace by his master.
Obi-Wan moved his mouth from Anakin’s hands to his jaw, his cheeks, his forehead, and to his mouth. Anakin made little noises that were absolutely starting to stir the older man’s arousal.
Obi-Wan risked moving a hand from Anakin’s shoulder to his hips, moving slowly to his thigh as he deepened the kiss.
Suddenly, he felt the terror tear through their bond as Anakin’s body stiffened at the movement.
“Stop.”
Anakin did not even know he had said anything until he felt the loss of contact from his master.
Obi-Wan sat on his heels in the bed while Anakin continued to lay anxiously beside him.
“What happened? Why did you stop?” Anakin asked through shallow breathing. As he asked the question he realized he was starting to feel the signs of panic seeping through him. All Anakin could taste in his mouth was sand and all he could feel was the heat of the desert suffocating him.
“You told me too,” Obi-Wan said. His heart sank as he added, “Anakin, I am so sorry. We do not have to do anything like that, I got carried away–.”
Anakin felt the tears start to form in his eyes, he blinked and his vision became blurry.
Obi-Wan’s face changed from mild anxiety to pure horror.
“Ani, darling. Are you okay?” Obi-Wan started to reach out to the younger man.
Anikan shook his head and hid himself from his master by covering his eyes, “I’m not who you think I am, master. I’m dirty.”
Obi-Wan opened his mouth to begin to comfort him, but Anakin kept talking.
“I’m not a virgin, master. I was never going to be a good Jedi to begin with, I’m used and filthy,” Anikan started to sob now.
To save himself from further humiliation, Anakin turned out of bed and quickly left the room to get to his own room. He could not handle the rejection he knew was coming and needed to be alone.
Obi-Wan immediately followed him, he stopped Anakin’s door from closing with his boot.
“Ani, I love you. I would never think such things of you. I understand that you want privacy but I really want to talk to you about this.” Obi-Wan felt sick to his stomach, how did the night turn into this?
Anakin was on his bed hiding under the covers.
Obi-Wan waited until Anikan gave him full permission to enter.
“Fine,” Anikan sniffled, “Come in.” Obi-Wan telling him he loved him gave him a small amount of hope that maybe he did not kriffing ruin everything.
“Listen to me darling,” Obi-Wan said soothingly, “There is nothing that you could possibly do to make me think any different about you. You are everything to me, Anakin.”
Anakin felt the tears falling and his head was beginning to ache as it does when he allows his emotions to surface like this.
“Why would you want someone impure like me?”
Obi-Wan was confused, “Anakin, it’s okay that you have had sex before us. That doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
Obi-Wan assumed he must have experimented with one of his peers during his training years. He would definitely like to have a stern talking to with whoever taught Anakin that having sex made him lesser.
Anakin clarified, “Master, It wasn’t with someone I wanted to have sex with. It was my old master on Tatooine all those years ago. He told me after he touched me that I wasn’t good anymore, that I wasn’t pure.”
Obi-Wan’s face crumbled.
It all made horrible sense now. All of those years of Anakin subtly flinching in the presence of men of higher rank than him. All those times Anakin startled both of them awake in their living quarters screaming about a nightmare he had.
Obi-Wan thought back to the day when he first met his young padawan, when the healers found the bruises and welts on his skin and assumed it was caused by hard labor.
“Oh, Ani…” Obi-Wan made his way to the bed and sat beside the younger man. Obi-Wan felt the pang of tears begin to sting his eyes. He felt white hot rage but knew better than to let that seep through their bond.
Anakin reached his hand out first to Obi-Wan’s, the Jedi Master quickly took his love’s hand and squeezed it tight.
“I need you to listen to me, darling,” Obi-Wan started. Anakin picked his head up to look at his master. Anakin squeezed his hand to indicate that he was listening.
“What that man did to you was…” Obi-Wan, who was normally brilliant with words, was now struggling to find them, “was not okay. I need you to know that it wasn’t your fault. You are not dirty, not impure. None of that. You are perfect, you are good, you are everything to me. I said it before and I’ll say it again: Nothing changes that.”
Anakin felt a fresh rush of tears fill his eyes as he pulled his master in for a hug.
Obi-Wan gripped his young former padawan tightly, as if Anakin was water that could easily escape through his hands if he was not careful.
“I believe you, master. I can feel your truth through the force. I just wish I could be good for you and not be so scared of certain touches.”
“Oh Anakin, I promise you, I would rather have us as we are now, I never want you to do anything you are uncomfortable with. I am more than happy to have you in my life forever, no matter what that looks like, even if it means going back to the way things were before.”
“No! I don’t want that,” Anakin objected, he felt himself begin to panic again, “I want this. I want exactly what we have right now. I want more too, I just… I think I need more time.”
Obi-Wan kissed Anakin on the cheek, “I love you, Ani. I will follow your lead just as I follow you anywhere and everywhere. Having you to myself is already a gift I never thought I could have.”
Anakin smiled at that and clutched the older man tighter, “Thank you, master. I love you too.”
They laid there together in Anakin’s bed until the younger man fell asleep.
Obi-Wan continued to pet Anakin’s curls while he slept, his mind racing. How could anyone hurt him? How could anyone hurt a young boy? Why does the universe continue to be cruel to his love, after all he has endured already, why more?
Obi-Wan decided that he will ask Anakin for the name of the man and if he did not know, he will do everything in his power to figure it out and find him. Since it was so long ago, there was a chance the man is now dead. If he was not dead yet, Obi-Wan thought, he would bring him to justice swiftly.
Until then, Obi-Wan continued to hold his love in his arms as he slept soundly, the younger man’s breath brushing against his neck.
Obi-Wan looked at the night stars from the skyview. Obi-Wan knew he could not extinguish the years of pain that haunted Anakin, however, force be damned if he wasn’t going to use every chance he can to remind the man of how much he is loved.
“You are safe now, darling.”
And he was.