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Jake’s house is the designated hangout spot for tonight, so Jay heads there straight after work. Jungwon’s already there, in the kitchen with his boyfriend, Chan.
“Come on,” Jungwon is singing, drawing it out. He’s tugging playfully at Chan’s shirt, cute dimples out in full force.
“You really want to go?” Chan replies, slouched down, elbows on the island counter.
“Yes!”
“And you’re really gonna make me go with you?”
“Yes!” Jungwon laughs. “And it’s starting soon, so we’ve got to leave, like, now. Let me just grab my stuff.”
“Where you going?” Jay asks when Jungwon has hopped back out to the front room. Chan groans, hanging his head in exhaustion.
“Some art thing, I don’t know. It sounds really fucking boring.”
Jay knows what it is. It’s a showcase by a foreign artist Jungwon admires, one he’s been following for years now. In the artist’s long career, it’s the first time he’s ever visited their country, so this is Jungwon’s first real opportunity to see his work. And who knows when he’ll be back again, so this might be Jungwon’s only chance to see it. He wants to meet the artist too, wants to ask him questions about his work and his process. He’s been practicing the questions in the artist’s own language for weeks now.
Jungwon had told him all about it. He’d remembered.
“He’s excited about it,” Jay shrugs. Chan groans again.
“I can’t think of a worse thing to be excited about. Art, seriously? Can’t believe he’s making me go.”
“He wants you there, dude.”
“He wants to torture me, great. Waste of an evening.”
Jay wouldn’t mind going. It’s not exactly his interest either, but it’s definitely Jungwon’s. It would make him happy, so Jay would do it. He can’t understand why Chan is complaining.
Maybe Jay should take Jungwon to the showcase instead, in Chan’s place. He could take over, no problem. Free Chan from the obligation. Then all of them would be happy.
Jay opens his mouth to suggest it, but Jungwon comes back, satchel strapped over his chest. “Ready!”
Chan sighs, making a show of heaving himself upright. “Come on then, let’s go see your art.”
Jay’s watching. He sees the way Jungwon’s eyes shutter, just for a second. Jungwon still has a smile aimed at Chan, but there’s a hint of unease in his eyes, something a little distant, a little sad.
It’s there, then it’s not. He brightens up easily when Chan gets his arm around him.
It wasn’t there for long, but Jay saw it. He wonders how Chan didn’t see it too.
They leave together, a perfect couple again. Jay just watches them go.
He tells Sunoo about it the next day.
“So? It does sound fucking boring.”
“But it’s what Jungwon wanted to do,” Jay insists. “It’s his passion, it always has been, but his boyfriend didn’t care about it. He should care. He should make the effort.”
Sunoo rolls his eyes. “How much ‘effort’ do you want? He went, didn’t he?”
“Complaining the whole way, yeah,” Jay scoffs back. He hugs the cushion from Sunoo’s couch tighter to his chest. “He probably made him feel like shit about it the whole time, like it was such a big ask to spend a couple fucking hours in an exhibition with him.”
“You don’t know that’s what he did,” Sunoo reasons. “You’re assuming a whole lot there.”
“I saw how Chan was acting before they left, I’m not assuming anything.”
But Sunoo just shrugs, picking up the remote. “What do you care, anyway? It’s Jungwon’s relationship, not yours. Leave them alone.”
“They just don’t seem like a good fit, y’know?”
“They’ve been together for like, two years. If they didn’t fit they’d have figured it out by now. Now shut up about it, you’re boring me.”
So Jay shuts up. He drops his head back and sits sullen as Sunoo turns on a movie, letting the conversation drop for now.
But he knows he’s right. Jungwon wouldn’t have this problem, if Jay were his boyfriend. He wouldn’t treat Jungwon like that. He wouldn’t.
They’re out in public this time, at a bar, grabbing drinks and food and catching up with each other after a long week.
Chan comes back from the bar with a drink for Jungwon, sets it down in front of him.
Jay’s watching again. He sees Jungwon’s face fall when he sees what it is. The coconut rum drink isn’t his favorite, but he accepts it with a smile, snuggling up close to Chan as the chatter continues. He sips it slowly, carefully.
Later, Jay’s at the bar getting another drink for himself. Chan comes up next to him, orders as well. Another rum and coke.
“You alright?” Chan asks, eyes on the bartender making the drinks. “You’ve been kinda quiet.”
“Fine,” Jay says. “Just tired, I guess.”
He waits until Chan heads off again, waits until he’s back at the table, waits a little longer. Then he picks up his drink and follows, an exaggerated frown stuck on his face.
“Jungwonnie,” he whines, dropping down next to him. “They made me the wrong drink.”
Jungwon just shrugs at him, amused. “Go tell them, then. They’ll make you a new one.”
“No, switch with me,” he pouts, shaking his shoulders with aegyo that he never mastered. “I think it’s vodka-Sprite, I know you like it. Please?”
Jungwon stares for a moment, eyes shining with equal disbelief and mirth. He spins their glasses around on the table.
“Thank you,” Jay says, taking a sip of coconut and ignoring the look Chan shoots him.
Another time, another night out, when they’re all drunker, louder, one of Chan’s friends tells a dumb story from his week, something a little embarrassing, a little gross. They all laugh.
There’s a big grin stuck on Chan’s face. “Oh my god, dude, that reminds me of this time Jungwon-”
“Hyung, no!” Jungwon squeaks, cheeks flushed and eyes wide, fingers clutching at Chan’s arm like that could close his mouth.
“Come on, you were thinking the same thing!” Chan says, his free hand coming to lay over Jungwon’s, trying to shake his fingers loose. “It’s cute, don’t worry!” Then he starts telling the story anyway.
Jungwon whines the whole time, little protests and drunken giggles, hiding his face in Chan’s shoulder. When the story ends, they all laugh.
Jay clenches his jaw. He doesn’t laugh.
Sunoo says again, it’s whatever.
“Jungwon was having a good time, what’s the big deal?”
“A good time being embarrassed? Listening to his boyfriend tell a personal story that he asked him not to tell?”
“Okay, and then Jungwon told an equally embarrassing story about Chan straight after. Didn’t you hear?”
That doesn’t matter. “I know Jungwon. He doesn’t like being teased like that. He didn’t enjoy it.”
Sunoo blows on the top of his coffee. “He’s not a baby, you know. If he doesn’t like something, he’d say.”
And that’s the other thing.
“He’s basically a baby, compared to Chan,” Jay says. He takes a sip of his own coffee and it scalds his tongue.
“You know, you’re older than Jungwon too,” Sunoo tells him, like he’s making a point.
“Not in a weird way. Chan’s older in a ‘why he can’t get someone his own age’ kind of way. Makes you wonder what’s wrong with him.”
“Makes you wonder, sure. An age difference really doesn’t mean anything.”
“Sometimes it does.”
“Jay, hyung.” Sunoo takes a delicate sip, then sets the mug down with a clink. He fixes Jay with a critical look, tilting his head. “This is getting pathetic.”
Jay takes as big a gulp and he can manage and lets it burn all the way down his throat.
Jungwon texts Jay, one weekend. Jay’s at home, not doing anything in particular. Jungwon texts to say that he’s bored.
‘where’s your bf?’ Jay sends back.
‘he went out with his friends,’ Jungwon replies, with a frowny face. Then, ‘entertain me.’
So Jay drives to Jungwon’s apartment, the one he shares with Chan. Jungwon is waiting outside on the curb, eager and ready to go. He takes the helmet Jay passes him and hops on the back of the bike, arms wrapping tight around Jay’s waist.
They ride further into the city, looking for something to do. Jay can hear Jungwon laughing as they accelerate, yelping when he takes a corner too fast, can feel his body warm behind him the whole way.
They stop by some shops, boutiques, and spend a few hours weaving in and out of them, trying on clothes and admiring accessories. Jungwon stays close to his side, pointing out things he might like, smiling up at him, happy and whole as he’s handed Jay’s full attention.
The row of shops runs out, turning into a row of restaurants instead. They keep going and duck into a diner.
Jungwon laughs, jokes, “It wouldn’t be a real date without food”, and Jay ignores the twinge in his chest.
Jungwon is indecisive, pouring over every option on the menu, when his phone rings. Jay doesn’t mind, so he answers it at the table.
“Hey babe,” Jungwon says, a new smile on his face, a different one than he gives Jay. “No, I’m out with Jay-hyung, we went shopping.”
There’s a pause, Chan’s reply, and Jungwon’s smile fades a little.
“Now?” he asks, glancing at Jay. “Does it have to be-”
Another pause. Jungwon’s eyes drop down.
“Yes, yeah, of course. I get it. No- no, it’s okay. I’ll be there soon. Love you. Bye.”
Jay knows what he’s going to say. He can’t say he’s surprised.
“Hyung, I’m so sorry-”
“Chan wants you?”
“Yeah, we’re hanging with his friends tonight and they’ve kinda started early. I’ve got to get over there, I’m so sorry.”
Of course they have. Of course he does. How convenient.
“Nah, it’s okay,” Jay says. Jungwon is picking up his stuff, getting up. Jay gets up too. “I’ll give you a ride, where are you going?”
“Oh, no, you don’t have to-”
“I want to, it’s no problem-”
“Chan’s in the city too, really nearby. I can totally walk, it’s not far. I don’t want to bother you or anything.”
“It’s not bothering me, it’s fine-”
“No, please, don’t worry about it.” Jungwon puts his hand on Jay’s shoulder. Jay lets himself be pushed gently back into his seat. “I had a lot of fun, hyung. Thank you so much for today. I’ll see you later.”
Jay watches his hurried steps until he disappears from view. Then he waits a few more seconds and leaves too, the opposite direction. There’s something sharp twisting in his chest, and he lets it dig its roots in.
He tells Sunghoon this time, fishing for another opinion on Jungwon’s relationship.
Sunghoon shrugs too. “They seem fine.”
“Are you sure?” Jay presses, eyes on Jungwon and Chan across the room. Jungwon is sitting on the arm of the couch, legs draped over Chan’s lap, both listening to the story Chan’s friend is animatedly telling. “You don’t think they’re a little… imbalanced?”
Sunghoon is quiet. Jay eventually turns to see Sunghoon is just looking at him, lips pursed.
“When was the last time you were in a relationship?” Sunghoon asks.
Jay protests. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“No shade or anything,” Sunghoon says, “but if you’re on the outside for too long, you kind of forget what it’s like on the inside.”
Jay looks away, tired of Sunghoon’s evaluating gaze.
“They’re fine,” Sunghoon continues, measured. “Don’t worry about it.”
Then he adds, “And still, no offense, but it’s none of your business.”
Chan’s friend has disappeared by now. It’s just the two of them sitting there, together. Jay watches as Jungwon leans in and kisses Chan, cupping his jaw sweetly.
Jay keeps his eyes on him, only him. He doesn’t imagine himself in Chan’s place.
He doesn’t really see Jungwon for a while after that. Jay’s busy with work, too busy to go to any of the group meet-ups, too tired to do anything but pass out in bed at the end of the day.
Jungwon hasn’t reached out to him either. They talk a lot, usually. They’re friends, really close friends. But Jungwon has been quiet, so Jay has been quiet too.
He sees him in the group chat, sometimes, laughing at the other’s jokes. He’s on social media too, posting like normal. Still out there, still living, talking, interacting. Just nothing directed at Jay.
He uploads a picture one day, a selfie somewhere green and sunny, eyes squinting in the light. His smile is bright, pure. Jay could look at it forever.
Chan is right behind him, chin propped on his shoulder, smiling up at the camera too. Jay looks at it once and shuts off his phone.
Jay gets a message late at night. It’s almost two a.m. but he’s still awake, playing catch up with stuff from work.
It’s from an unknown contact on KaTalk, usually spam. Jay looks at it anyway.
‘hyung it’s jungwon can i call you’
It’s not from Jungwon’s ID. He replies with a question mark.
A few seconds later, he receives a photo. It’s Jungwon, definitely, outside somewhere, forcing a thin smile for the camera. His eyes are red, watery. The picture is grainy from darkness, but Jay thinks he can see tears glinting on Jungwon’s full cheeks.
‘please’
Jay calls the contact immediately.
“Hyung?” Jungwon says. His voice is shaking. “I’m sorry, I’m- can you come get me?”
Jay is up, looking for his shoes before Jungwon even finishes asking.
“Of course, baby,” he says, soft. “Where are you?”
Jungwon gives him the name of a bar, a little way outside the city. Jay checks the address as he’s heading down to his bike, extra helmet under his arm.
“Where’s your boyfriend?” he has to ask. Jay’s not delusional. He knows he wouldn’t be the first choice, not if Jungwon needs help.
“I don’t know,” Jungwon sniffs, and the sound gets Jay’s heart flipping. “He just- he dropped me off here and I don’t know how to get back.”
“I’m coming.”
He speeds the whole way there, not at all concerned about getting a ticket. The cost would be worth it, when Jungwon needs him.
Outside the bar, Jay sees a cluster of girls first, huddling together for warmth just outside the door. Then as he parks the bike he sees Jungwon standing in there with them, looking small and sick and tired and sad. He’s crying, still crying.
Jay is off the bike and striding right up to him before he can think, ready to pull him straight into his arms.
Then he does think. He remembers the picture, the sunny one. He’s not the boy with his arms around Jungwon. He hesitates.
Jungwon closes the gap instead. He throws himself at Jay, arms around his neck, clinging tight. Jay hugs back, even tighter.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Jungwon is babbling, muffled into Jay’s jacket.
“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Jay answers. The girls are still there, watching with sympathetic eyes. Jay pays them no mind. “What happened, baby?”
“I left my phone in the car, I couldn’t call,” Jungwon says. Jay lets him pull back so he can wipe his face, sleeves pulled over his hands. “I didn’t know your number anyway, but I remembered your ID and the girls let me use their phone and I-”
He fists his hands into Jay’s shirt, just like he does with Chan. “I didn’t know who else to call.”
Jay catches a tear with his thumb, stroking it across Jungwon’s cheek. “It’s okay. You did the right thing.”
Jungwon takes in a shaky breath. He glances back at the girls, and Jay sees the smile he forces, the gratitude he tries to show them.
He turns back to Jay. He looks so small, so young, so vulnerable.
“Can we just go home?”
“Who’s?”
“Yours,” Jungwon says. “Let’s go to yours.”
“Sure.”
Jay hands him the helmet, helps him get it on properly, then helps him climb up onto the bike behind him. Jungwon snuggles in close, just like always, but it feels different. He’s not just holding on for the ride. He’s relying on Jay. Seeking comfort, needing his help. He’s trusting Jay to look after him, to take care of him where his boyfriend couldn’t. Where his boyfriend refused to. Jay needs to protect him.
He hears one of the girls calling out, telling him he’s a “good boyfriend, get him home safe. Look after him”. Jay doesn’t bother to correct her.
“I will,” he replies, and they take off.
Jungwon is quiet on the way home, and quiet still when they get up to Jay’s apartment. The tears have dried by now, but he’s clearly exhausted. He’s had a rough day.
Jay sends him to get washed up, fetching some clothes for him to wear for the night. When he’s back, Jungwon insists on taking the couch.
“I’m not gonna kick you out of your own bed, not after I dragged you all the way out there.”
Jay tries to fight it, but Jungwon won’t back down and Jay doesn’t want to distress him any further. Jay gets him a blanket and goes to lie in his own bed, restless, hyperaware of Jungwon, right there, just a room away.
He sleeps rough, barely sleeps at all. He can’t stop thinking about Jungwon, how upset he was. How cute he was when he looked up at Jay with his big, tear-filled eyes. He can’t stop thinking about how Jungwon ended up there, outside, in the first place. How he was abandoned by his boyfriend, left alone by the guy who’s supposed to love him.
He gets out of bed before Jungwon wakes up, padding into the front room, just to look at him. Just to know that he’s there, safe and protected and far happier than he was a few hours ago. Just to admire him, sleeping. Just a little bit.
He tries not to think about how he could have this all the time. How he could wake up next to Jungwon, every day, if Jungwon would let him.
Then it’s morning. It’s the weekend, but still a reasonable time to wake up. Jay heads to the kitchen to start some breakfast.
It’s an open plan room, so Jay gets a perfect view as the noise wakes Jungwon slowly, the way his nose scrunches and he sighs and he stretches his arms over his head before he opens his eyes.
“Sorry to wake you,” Jay calls, softly. Jungwon gives him a sleepy smile back. His hair is sticking up in tufts.
“It’s fine,” he yawns, then gets up to come sit at the counter instead, bleary eyes watching Jay cook.
“Want some pancakes?”
But Jungwon shakes his head, mumbling through another yawn. “I don’t want to get in your way-”
“You’re not in my way,” Jay insists. “Stay for breakfast, don’t be stupid.”
Jungwon smiles at him, relenting, all cute dimples and sugar sweetness. So cute. He lets Jay reach out and smooth down the worst of his hair.
“I laid out some more clothes for you,” Jay says. “They’re in the bathroom. I’ll be a few more minutes here, if you want to get dressed.”
Jungwon nods and obeys, heading to the bathroom on sleep-shaky feet. Jay watches him go, but reminds himself he can’t get used to this. Not yet.
After breakfast, plates finished in front of them, Jay says, “Do you want to talk about it? What happened last night?”
Jungwon bites his lip. “It’s stupid, really.”
Jay wants to be there for him, wants to support him. He needs to know. “You can tell me.”
So he does. The story, as it goes, is Jungwon is out with Chan, at his friend’s place. Chan is going to drive them back so he only has one drink, but when they get in the car at the end of the night, Chan seems a little drunker than he’s supposed to be.
“He probably wasn’t, I don’t know. I must have imagined it. And he said he was fine, so I believed him.”
So he’s driving them home and the road is empty and he starts speeding up. Jungwon asks him to slow down, but he doesn’t. Jungwon is drunk and starting to get a little freaked out so he asks Chan to slow down again. Chan doesn’t.
“Then I remembered this thing my sister said one time, some personal safety trick she got taught at school. How to make a driver stop? I remembered it so I- it’s gross, but I-”
Jungwon sticks his fingers down his throat until he retches. Disgusted, fearing a mess in his car, Chan pulls over. Jungwon feels a little sick for real so he gets out the car, and Chan waits for him to get back in, but Jungwon doesn’t want to.
“I mean, I don’t think he was over the limit, he was safe to drive, but I was still freaked out. And I didn’t feel good, so I said maybe he could stop driving for tonight? I said we could call an Uber to get us back instead.”
But Chan doesn’t like that. And Jungwon doesn’t want to get back in the car with him, so they fight, and Chan drives off. Without him.
Jungwon shrugs as he finishes his story. His lashes look damp when he blinks, but he’s not crying. “Then, you know the rest. I found the bar and those girls and I called you. That’s what happened.”
Jay’s hands are shaking so he clenches them into fists on the table. His breath is coming heavier, heart pounding, red creeping into the edges of his vision. His jaw is clenched so tight his teeth hurt.
When Jungwon looks up at him, the miserable pout on his face turns to shock, alarm instead. He backpedals, palms up. “Hyung, no, don’t worry about it-”
“How could I not worry about that?” Jay spits. Jungwon flinches back, just a little. “Did you hear what you just said?”
“It was just a stupid fight,” Jungwon insists. “I was drunk, it sounds bad but it’s not really that big a deal.”
“Jungwon, he dropped you on the side of the road in the middle of the night!”
“After I threatened to puke in his car for no reason, yeah! I would have kicked me out too.”
“No, Jungwon, no. You wouldn’t have, no one would have! You’ve got to tell him he can’t treat you that way. You have to tell him right now. I’ll tell him-” Jay starts fumbling for his phone, but Jungwon reaches over the counter to stop him.
“Look, hyung, I appreciate your concern, but I don’t need your help with this.” He sighs as he sits back again. He pushes his hand through his hair, and the tufts stick right back up again. “I shouldn’t have told you, it’s between me and Chan. I just needed to get it off my chest. I don’t need you to do anything about it, really. We’re going to work it out.”
Jay can’t accept that. Chan can’t treat him like that and just get away with it.
“Your boyfriend is an asshole.”
“Excuse me?”
“He’s a fucking asshole, Jungwon. I’m serious. Who treats someone like that? Someone they’re supposed to love?”
Jungwon stares at him, lips parted. Lost for words, until he finds some.
“You don’t know anything about it,” he says. “You don’t know anything about my relationship with my boyfriend.”
“I know he abandoned you last night,” Jay replies, ticking it off with his fingers. “I know he left you alone, I know he made you cry. I know he embarrasses you in public and criticizes you behind your back. I know he makes you hang out with his shitty friends all the time even though you don’t really like them. I know he manipulates you into spending more time with him, less time with your own friends. I know I haven’t seen you in days because of him, because he doesn’t like you spending time with me.”
“That’s not-”
“I know he didn’t actually take you to that art exhibition weeks ago. I know you went to a movie instead because it was what he wanted to do. I know you’d sacrifice anything for him but he can’t be fucked to sacrifice anything in return.”
Jungwon is quiet again. The tears clinging to his lashes finally fall. Jay watches as they roll down his cheeks.
“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” Jungwon says. His voice is hard, clipped. He stands up from the counter, defiant. “You are so wrong. About everything. You have no fucking idea what is going on in my relationship, and you need to back the fuck off.”
“I know you’re not happy with him,” Jay insists. “I know he’s not right for you. I know you deserve better than an asshole like him.”
Jungwon won’t listen. He doesn’t want to hear it.
“Thank you for your help, hyung,” he says. Still firm, but calm. Too calm. “I really appreciate you picking me up last night, and for letting me stay here and for making me breakfast. And thank you for lending me these clothes. I’ll wash them and get them back to you as soon as possible.”
Jay follows him to the door, hands tingling with how bad he wants to grab him, hold him back, keep him here, away from Chan. He knows that’s where he’s going. Straight back to him, straight back into that asshole’s arms. He stuffs his hands in his pockets as Jungwon gets his shoes on.
“You need to understand,” Jungwon repeats as he steps through the door, as he’s leaving Jay alone, again, “it’s really, truly, none of your goddamn business.”
Jay feels like shit. He tells Sunoo.
Sunoo’s jaw hits the floor. “Jay. You need to fuck off.”
“I can’t just let him-”
“What did I say?” Sunoo interrupts, voice raised, astonished. “What have I been saying this whole time? Their relationship is none of your business.”
“How can it not be my business, it’s happening right there in front of me-”
“Jungwon literally could not have made himself any more clear. You’re being weird, and possessive, and obsessive, and downright fucking creepy stalker about him and you need to listen to what he’s telling you and back the fuck off.”
“It’s abuse. Chan is abusing him.”
“He’s not, hyung!”
“How do you know?”
“How do you know?”
“Because I can fucking see it! I know Jungwon, I know he’s fucking miserable with that piece of shit boyfriend but he’s not doing anything to help himself.”
“Because he doesn’t need help, Jay. You need help, you need actual psychological help if you think you’re doing the right thing here.”
Jay gets up and leaves. He ignores Sunoo shouting after him, calling him back. There’s no use talking to him, not when he won’t listen.
He is doing the right thing. He needs to do this. Jungwon might not like it now, it might upset him now. But Jungwon will thank him, when it’s over. He will.
There’s a party at Chan’s apartment. Everyone’s invited. Even Jay.
Jungwon is there, of course, keeping his distance. He’s sticking tight to his boyfriend, clinging to Chan’s side all evening. Sunoo keeps Jay on a tight leash too, keeps him always in a different room to Jungwon. But Jay still sees him sometimes. He looks good tonight.
Eventually Chan gets tired of Jungwon’s constant presence. He says it’s a party, why doesn’t Jungwon go talk to his other friends? Jungwon can’t protest without making a scene, so he comes over to their group instead, sitting down between Riki and Heeseung. He won’t look at Jay.
They include him immediately, always pleased to see him, but he doesn’t seem so engaged in the conversation. He lies his head on Riki’s shoulder, eyes distant. Then he says he’s going to get another drink, but Jay sees him turn toward the bedrooms instead. Sunoo doesn’t notice Jay getting up too, so he doesn’t stop him.
Jay catches him outside his bedroom, in the narrow hallway where the music and voices from the party aren’t quite muffled, but they’re far enough away for it to feel like privacy. He catches Jungwon’s arm and spins him around. He uses his body to press Jungwon against the wall, slams his palms either side of Jungwon’s head to cage him in.
“You’re ignoring me.”
“Let me go.”
Jungwon won’t meet his eye. He keeps his gaze somewhere over Jay’s bicep, to the side. He’s been drinking, they both have. Jungwon probably more.
“Your boyfriend pushed you away, again.”
“Please let me go.”
He’s not actually holding Jungwon. Jungwon could leave, duck under his arm if he wanted. But he doesn’t, so Jay must be getting through to him.
“Stop kidding yourself. How many times is he gonna make you cry, huh? Before you realize?”
“He’s not,” Jungwon protests, but his body betrays him, tears spilling out, again. Jay lets his eyes follow each tear’s path down his soft cheeks. He wants to kiss him, more than ever. He’s so close, he wants to taste the salt of those tears, wants to kiss Jungwon and make him forget all about his asshole boyfriend.
But he doesn’t. Not yet.
“How can he love you,” Jay asks, “if he’s making you feel like this?”
“Please let me go,” Jungwon repeats, and he sounds so small and so sad, it twinges something in Jay’s chest. He drops his arms and steps back.
Jungwon moves immediately, slipping into the bedroom next to them. He closes the door.
But Jay can’t leave him alone, not now. He won’t, not when he’s upset.
“Wonnie?” he says, knocking light on the door. “It’s alright, baby. I won’t leave. I’ll wait right here.”
“Please don’t,” Jungwon replies, muffled through the door.
“I need to know you’re okay.”
“I’m okay,” Jungwon calls, but his voice is clearly shaking. Jay slides down against the wall, sits and waits.
He half expects someone to come looking for them, for Sunoo to turn down the hallway and drag him back to the party. He wonders if maybe Chan will come, if he’ll realize his neglect and seek Jungwon out, come to apologize.
But no one comes. Jay waits.
Jungwon cracks open the door. He looks red and blotchy, cheeks still wet. Still crying, a little.
“Why won’t you leave me alone?” he asks.
Jay has his head tipped back, looking up at him. “Because I care about you.”
“I don’t want you to.”
Jay gets up so he can face Jungwon properly. He doesn’t miss the way Jungwon shrinks back into the room, gripping the side of the door, a barrier.
“What does your boyfriend do for you?” Jay asks.
Jungwon frowns. “What do you mean?”
“What does he do for you? Like, what does he do that makes you glad he’s your boyfriend?”
“Oh, don’t Jay-”
“No, seriously. What is he giving you? What are you getting out of this relationship?”
“A lot.”
“Like what?”
Jungwon laughs, incredulous, an ugly sound through his tears. “It’s none of your business, Jay! It’s not your relationship, it’s mine. It has nothing to do with you, why the hell do you think you can ask?”
“Because you’re not happy, Jungwon.”
“Of course I’m not happy, you’re constantly shitting on my boyfriend when he has done absolutely nothing to you!”
“He’s done shit to you, though. Not last week he left you in the middle of nowhere, unless you forgot.”
“No, that was my fault-”
“How the fuck was that your fault?”
“I was wrong,” Jungwon spits, teeth bared. “He wasn’t drunk. He wasn’t even speeding! But I was drunk and I totally overreacted. I was awful to him for no reason that night, he had every right to kick me out. I was the shitty boyfriend, okay?”
Jay is ready to argue, so ready, but Jungwon continues, “And I don’t care what you think about it. That’s the truth. And we talked about it, me and Chan. We apologized, we fixed it. We’re over it. It’s done.”
Jay shakes his head. “How could you think that? He’s lying to you, manipulating you. He’s not a good guy. Chan is not a good guy.”
“Are you dating him?” Jungwon asks. “Do you know him like I do? You don’t hang out with him, you barely even talk to him, you have no idea whether he’s a good guy or not!”
Jungwon’s voice is raised, loud and getting louder by the second. Jay knows the music is loud too but he still worries someone might overhear.
“Let me come in, we can talk about it.”
“I don’t want to talk about it!”
Jay takes a step forward, and Jungwon could have slammed the door in his face but he takes a step backward instead. Jay takes the opportunity and comes in, closing the door behind him, leaning against it. It’s Jungwon’s bedroom, the one he shares with Chan. It smells like him.
“What the fuck, Jay, get out,” Jungwon says, a miserable whine. His hands are up tugging at his hair.
“We need to talk about it,” Jay states, calm as possible.
“We don’t! We don’t have to do anything about it, because it’s my relationship and you have absolutely no say in it!”
“I just want to help you. I can help you, Wonnie.”
Jungwon gives up and collapses on the floor beside the bed, pulling his knees up to his chest.
“You’re not helping me, Jay,” he says, “and you’re not listening to me, and I’m scared. You’re scaring me, Jay.”
That’s not right.
“Don’t be scared,” Jay says. There’s no reason for Jungwon to be scared.
Jay’s not the bad guy here.
Jungwon laughs again, wet. “You’ve trapped me in my room, Jay, you won’t let me out.”
That’s not right either.
“I’ll let you out. But I want to talk to you first.”
Jungwon doesn’t bother to say anything else. He drops his head into his folded arms and cries.
But there’s no reason for him to cry, now. Jungwon’s got it all wrong. He’s not thinking straight. He’s drunk. He shouldn’t be upset because of Jay. He can’t be. He’s confused.
It’s Chan who makes him cry, not Jay. Never Jay.
Jay watches until he can’t stand it anymore. He moves in, drops to his knees beside him. He lays a hand on his shoulder.
Jungwon flinches away, but doesn’t actually move. He doesn’t uncurl, doesn’t try to run. Jay touches him again, and Jungwon doesn’t resist. He whines, sad, pitiful, but he relents. Obeys. He lets Jay pull him into a side hug, lets Jay pry his arms around his waist and hold him tight.
Jay rests his cheek on Jungwon’s shoulder. “I’m sorry. I fucked up.”
Jungwon hiccups through his sob, but still doesn’t say anything. Jay continues.
“You don’t have to be scared of me. I would never hurt you, not like he does. I just want what’s best for you. I want to help. I want you to be happy.”
Jungwon lifts his head, turning his tear-stained face to Jay. He looks wrecked, broken, pretty.
“I’m not happy,” he says, the words bubbling through his lips. Jay nods.
“I know you’re not. But I can help. I can make you happy, if you’ll let me.”
Jungwon just stares at him, brow creased, jaw tight.
“I don’t like it when you cry,” Jay lies. Jungwon’s gaze drops. “I only want to help you.”
He frees a hand from around Jungwon’s waist, brings it up to cup his chin instead. Jungwon doesn’t shake him off, doesn’t squirm away. He lets Jay tilt his face up, lets himself be positioned just right. He keeps his eyes down.
Jay kisses him. Soft, gentle, then deeper. He kisses Jungwon through his whimper, sinking his fingertips into Jungwon’s plush cheeks, coaxing his mouth open.
Jungwon tastes like salt and sugar and coconut rum and he’s kissing Jay back. He is.
There’s a noise outside. Chan, calling Jungwon’s name. Jay breaks the kiss, lets go of his chin just before the door opens.
Then Chan is in the doorway, face screwed in confusion as he sees the two of them on the floor, so close together. But the confusion is forgotten when he sees Jungwon, how distressed and beautiful he looks. He rushes toward him.
“Wonnie, baby, what’s wrong?” he’s saying, and Jay digs his fingernails into his palms as he sees how Jungwon reacts to the sound of his voice. His body opens up in an instant and he lets Chan collide into him. He drags him in, clinging tight, fingers clawing at his back. He presses his face into Chan’s neck and cries. Again.
Chan hugs him back, hands fluttering as he tries to touch Jungwon everywhere at once, tries to stroke his hair and rub circles into his back and put his palms firm and grounding on his body anywhere he can. He’s trying to comfort him but he has no idea how. No idea what’s going on.
“Jay, what happened?”
Jay just shakes his head. “I gotta go.”
“Wait-” Chan tries, but Jungwon is sobbing, burrowing into him, demanding his attention. He’s saying “please, Chan, don’t go, don’t go,” so Chan’s dropping kisses to his cheek, ear, neck, wherever he can reach, saying back “it’s okay, baby, I’m here, I’m here.”
Jay slinks out the room, chest burning white hot. He doesn’t return to the party.
The night air doesn’t cool his skin, doesn’t cool his mind. He walks around the city all night, but nothing helps. Nothing drowns out the sound of Jungwon crying, begging for the wrong person.
He fucked up.
He fucked up so bad he doesn’t even tell Sunoo about it.
No one knows what happened at the party. No one except him and Jungwon, he thinks. The story he hears is Jungwon said he felt ill and went to bed early. Jay left because he had work the next day, he’s sorry he didn’t say goodbye. The party continued without them.
Sunghoon is giving him looks anyway. His face is hard to read on the best of days, but lately he seems especially cold. Jay doesn’t pay him any mind.
Jungwon gets quiet in the group chat. He’s there, the little online dot lit up next to his profile pic, but he doesn’t say much. Jay doesn’t say much either, but he doesn’t think anyone cares.
He thought maybe Jungwon would block his number, after the party, but he doesn’t. Still, Jay knows better than to contact him. Not yet, at least.
Jungwon avoids social gatherings too. He’s missing from the next few meet-ups, excuses lined up and easily accepted by the rest of them. And if he’s not there, his boyfriend isn’t there either.
Jay doesn’t see either of them for about a month. He knows it’s deliberate. He knows Jungwon is taking his time, thinking it over. He just hopes Jungwon is making the right decision.
Jungwon knocks on his door. It’s early evening, Jay just got back from work. He’s just finished washing up when he opens the door and sees him there.
He’s wearing Jay’s clothes. The ones he never returned.
“We broke up.”
Jay doesn’t reply. Jungwon stares him down, face carefully blank.
“Can I come in?”
He steps aside. Jungwon brushes past him, into the apartment like he never left. He takes off his jacket, hangs it up. His arms are shaking.
“I told him,” he says, turning to face Jay. Jay leans back against the front door, keeps his posture open, relaxed. “That we kissed. That you kissed me.”
Jungwon pushes a hand through his hair, nerves breaking through. He could never hide them for long.
“He said it was too hard, being with me, when you were always trying to get in the way.” He swallows. “So we broke up.”
Then he laughs, dry this time. Completely humorless. “You win, I guess.”
This is what Jay wanted. This is exactly what he wanted.
He thinks it feels good. He thinks.
Jungwon rolls his eyes when Jay does nothing. He heads deeper into the apartment and drops bonelessly onto the couch, tipping his head back to stare at the ceiling. Jay follows him, leans against the wall instead, watches him.
“Why did you do it?” Jungwon asks after a while.
“I love you,” Jay answers. Jungwon laughs again, the ugly one. The bitter one.
“This is how you treat the people you love?”
Jay just watches. Jungwon looks tired, defeated, so pretty. He’s in Jay’s apartment, in Jay’s clothes, and he’s free from Chan and he’s so, so pretty. Jay can’t believe it.
Jungwon sighs. He lifts his head and looks at Jay, eyes dull, dead. Empty.
“Well, you can have me now. I’ll be your boyfriend, if you want.”
Jay is across the room in an instant, climbing over him on the couch. This time, Jungwon reaches out for him, sitting up to meet his lips. Jay kisses him, and Jungwon kisses back, fingers curling around his ribs. He opens his mouth, quickly, easily, but then his grip turns bruising, fingertips digging in, making Jay hiss. Jungwon’s kisses turn hard, fierce, biting. He tastes like Sprite, like vodka. Then Jay blinks and his back is colliding with the couch cushions, Jungwon flipping their positions, looming over him. He’s got Jay laid out, pinned under him.
He slots his thigh between Jay’s legs and ruts down hard, dirty, his kisses all teeth and tongues and passion and desperation. Jay can hardly keep up, head spinning as Jungwon forces his shirt up, off, breaking the kiss as the fabric is pulled over his head. He’s waiting for Jungwon to come back, to get his mouth on his again, but Jungwon slinks down his body instead.
He doesn’t ask before he’s pawing at Jay’s sweats, freeing his cock. He doesn’t look at Jay as he takes him into his mouth, sinking down until he’s choking on it, drooling, blinking back tears. He sucks him off fast, sloppy, just a hint of teeth. Jay’s heart leaps and stutters, hands slipping through his hair, pushing and pulling, groaning, writhing.
Soon, he warns Jungwon, but Jungwon doesn’t listen. He takes Jay’s come in his mouth then spits it out onto Jay’s hardwood floor.
Jay sits up to gather Jungwon into his arms, holding him close. He shoves his hand into his jeans and tugs him off in return. Jungwon melts into him, panting heavy against his shoulder. He comes with a gasp, a shaky exhale. It’s beautiful. Exactly what Jay wanted.
“I’m staying here, tonight,” Jungwon says afterward, sprawled out in Jay’s lap, hot, sticky skin cooling in the aircon.
He lives with Chan. He can’t anymore, Jay supposes.
“You can move in.”
Jungwon just nods, cheek smushing against his shoulder.
He tells Sunoo about it. He texts him that evening, when Jungwon is asleep in his bed next to him.
‘you’re disgusting,’ Sunoo says.
‘a real piece of shit, you know that?’
Jay puts the phone down. He strokes a finger down Jungwon’s soft cheek, throws an arm over his waist, and curls up to sleep too.