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Although not surprised, Bam still felt a twinge of pain in his chest when that first night he tried to text Khun and it bounced back. Not that he was still in the process of denying the fact that Khun was gone – no, he understood that. Accept, no, but he understood.
It was completely different from when Rachel left him. Rachel had left pocket's messaging channel – and only it – free. Which means if he sent her messages, she would receive them. He was never allowed to message any of his friends, so he only found out about it after the Workshop Battle. Bam had never told anyone that, not even Khun, but he did send her some messages when the pain was too much to handle, when the shinsu sun was low on the horizon and the stars shone like lighthouses. All his messages revolved around the same question: why? why? why?
At the time he didn't know that there was an option to block contacts, which would not allow his messages to reach her. If he knew, unsolicited hope would bloom in his chest telling him he still had a chance. If she didn't block him, then he could still reach her.
Now in the meeting room inside the battleship on 52nd floor Bam lowered his face, hiding the watery eyes of Isu who was in front of him looking worried. Bam 's pocket was in visible mode and the phrase displayed could be read by both of them [You cannot message this contact].
Bam repeated to himself mentally that he wasn't surprised. That just like in a fight, as long as he was aware of the blow it would hurt less. It only made sense that Khun would have blocked him. It was something incredibly Khun never to do things by halves.
Bam got up and left Isu there, looking at the message that was written in his own pocket as well as that of all their friends.
[You cannot message this contact].
Three months later they took the floor 52nd test and moved on to the next floor. They split into two teams after that, did the 53rd floor test, and then moved on to the 54th floor. Then the next, and the next. The floors passed in a succession of hopelessness that suffocated Bam as they advanced and little by little his friends focused more on their own climb than on trying to find Khun.
“If Khun wanted to be found, he would already be here. He's not even dead, stop being depressed." Endorsi shouted to him in a temper outburst, probably because of being angry about something he hadn't paid enough attention to know.
Normally Bam would say something back. Trying to show he's right, but being careful not to stoke Endorsi's temper any further. But the urge that normally boils in his chest to refute, make himself heard and change everything around him did not arise. She didn't understand. It was that simple. Still, he was grateful when Rak yelled at her in his place, always in Bam's side.
That day later Bam promised Rak that he would bring Khun back to them.
Ever since they left the Battle of the Nest, Hockney, Isu and Hatsu have been using their abilities to track Khun using lighthouse and observers.
He didn't know if it was Maschenny’s or Khun's or whoever's plan, but their job was being purposely made difficult.
More and more regular descendants of the Khun family began using the family name when signing up for the tests, just as Khun had always done. This caused any search with a lighthouse or search engines using that name to result in a sea of irrelevant results. Looking for Khun was like looking for a needle in a haystack.
It was only when Bam used the Reverse-Flow Control in an overly complex test that Bam felt. Control of the flow slipped from him as fast as his feet lifted off the ground as his wings spread and took flight. He knows he screamed Khun's name, but he didn't register his own voice. Between him and his target there was nothing important enough to register or notice. There was only Khun and Bam's monstrous need to get to him.
His body instinctively deviated from the lightning spear that came towards him and only then did he register the woman in front of him, preventing you from moving forward. Like every other regular on that test, she was his opponent. But as someone who stood between him and his perhaps only chance to find Khun, she was his enemy.
Quickly overcoming the surprise, Bam advanced into a melee fight as he made shinsu flow from different points around him to form two orbs waiting for the right moment to launch them. If Bam hadn't been so fixated on getting to Khun as quickly as possible, if he had his mind focused on his fight and how to make sure he got through it alive instead of getting it over quickly, he might have realized sooner. Noticed how she was not propped up on the ground like regulars normally are, but rather floating in the air like a damn ranker. He might have noticed that even though she didn't seem to have the same strength and power as he did, she seemed to read his movements which were so hurried they were predictable. He should have noticed especially considering she had a lightning spear in her hands, her hair was in different shades of blue and a blue lighthouses was next to her and getting closer and closer.
He didn't notice any of this, but his instinct made him step back and avoid her calculated attack. An attack that never came because it was stopped by a voice, an order .
"Don't hurt him."
A ragged sigh that sounded a bit like a sob, but also exasperation left Bam's lips.
"Khun...?"
A siren amplified by shinsu sounded from all sides as if every point in the testing room was an emission source. It was the indicator that the test was over and that any fighting from then on was prohibited.
“Congratulations to the regulars of teams three and five for passing the test. In five seconds everyone will be teleported.”
"Khun!" Bam started to say, his mind suddenly blank. A countdown to the imminent separation sounded and Khun stood in deathly silence through the lighthouse speaker.
The dread of being so close, but losing him anyway, ingrained in Bam's bones. Of all the ways they found each other, Bam couldn't believe he only had five seconds. Bam could never convince Khun to come back to him in five seconds. Khun indulged Bam's wishes, but was still stubborn and fervently determined.
"Today! Town square. In the evening. Please!" he suddenly let go when the counting voice said "two seconds".
Bam barely had time to finish his appeal before he was teleported to a secluded room with his team.
Bam was sitting on one of the benches in the central square of the town, his hands tightening the thin clothes around his body to ward off the cold that insisted on bothering him after a few minutes stopped waiting.
When she sat beside him on the bench, Bam forced himself to stay calm. Although he hadn't calculated about that risk earlier, thinking about it now wasn't really a problem even in the worst case scenario. The worst case scenario was being killed or captured, but those were risks he took daily. If that's all it takes to get more information about Khun, then Bam thinks that's fine.
Also, unlike a few hours ago, Bam was now aware of her identity. After the adrenaline of the near meet wore off, he asked Hockney to confirm his suspicions. She was Khun's half-sister Princess Maria Zahard, who Khun seemed so uncomfortable talking about when they were on the Hidden Floor.
“Do you really want to see my brother?” Maria asked in a calm voice, looking at a hairpin that she moved slowly between her fingers. She looked almost peaceful, with relaxed expressions, mundane clothes, and slow, calm gestures. Almost as if she hadn't aimed a deadly spear at him just hours earlier.
“More than anything.” Bam replied confidently.
"I understand." she says after contemplating his answer for a few seconds. “AA has been isolated and unhappy since he returned. Melancholy even.” She sighs. “It's like we're in the Khun family again. The way he looked when we came out of the test was as close to emotion as I've seen him feel these past few years."
“How was he?” Bam asked anxiously even though he dreaded the answer. Maria took a few seconds to respond.
"Impatient" tilting her face a little to the side before continuing. "Frightened."
Bam clenched his fist angrily at himself for making Khun scared in some way and he saw Maria turn her face a little as she noticed his movement.
“Maybe I was wrong to ask him to climb with me. I think about it sometimes. But I can't regret it. Can you understand what I'm talking about?”
A part of him urged to ask, asked or blackmailed? But Bam held on to self-control.
"Yes, I know." And he really knew. It was the thought that had consumed him every night for more than two years waiting outside a glass coffin.
She leaned back in the bench behind them. "And you want him back."
"Yea." he confirmed it even though it didn't sound like a question.
"If you see him, what will you do?"
"Talk with him. He... He understands me better than I do most of the time. It was always easy to get to talk to him, even when I couldn't express myself.”
Bam fondly remembers how Khun always knows what he feels, needs, is afraid to speak up, or doesn't know how to say it. He was still trapped in the painful memory of that feeling when he was ripped away by a noise of disbelief.
“Your plan sucks. AA is hardheaded as well as a liar. Words have no weight for him. You will need more than that.”
“So what do I need to do?” an unexpected frustration surfaced without Bam's permission . "I don't even know why he left."
Maria crossed her legs, curling her body in an attempt to conserve heat.
“It's because of the way the Khun family's children are raised,” she said simply, as a basic and trivial fact. "It's not really unheard of."
“I don't know” how was Khun raised? Or any of his brothers and sisters? "What does that mean."
Maria shook her head slightly as if what he'd said was absurd, but didn't comment. Instead she explained calmly.
“All the children of the Khun family have a purpose, a role to fulfill. Everyone is raised to rise through in the hierarchy and that's all mothers care about. Being in an influential branch is not just power, it's a way to guarantee resources and security. AA came from a very political branch and from a lower class one. His sister, Agatha, was a gift, a prodigy, and an opportunity to rise through the hierarchy. AA came later, and he was left with the task of making his sister's path easier to rise as her strategist. That was his life purpose. AA has never liked this structure, but unconsciously he is still stuck with it. He is only worthy of attention and love as long as he is useful.” Bam didn't know whether to trust the soft guilt in her voice as she said the next few words. “That's why he helped me in the princess selection. And it's something I don't think I can forgive myself for taking advantage of. He doesn't think he deserves to be by someone's side if he can't be used."
The words ingrained themselves inside Bam like a long time ago – since Khun left – no words had. Bam felt his barriers instinctively lower. The words sounded like an obvious truth .
An obvious truth gently spoken by a girl who wanted to see the stars and knew everything to a boy who knew nothing, nor doubt.
It had been so long since he had contact with anything that was Khun. He didn't listen to his voice, or his advice, bathed in his warm presence. That was a piece of Khun, a piece he didn't even know existed, but that was always there. Something about all of this was familiar, and Bam thought it made sense that it was, after all, it was Khun. And he missed him so much.
“How… How can I change this? If talking isn't enough, then wha-”
"I don't know, honestly, and I'm not interested in telling you how."
Bam let out a sound of surprise at the words. Shock blanked his mind for a few seconds as Maria got up from the bench to leave.
"Wait! Won't you say where Khun is?” Bam ran over the words, his voice louder than necessary.
Maria turned to him who was still sitting. "I never said I was going to help you."
Bam froze wide-eyed looking still too much in shock to try to understand where he'd gotten lost in the whole conversation and why all the signals he'd received were all switched. “Then why did you come here? Why did you tell me all this?”
"I'm sorry." Her entire body language and voice were friendly, conflicting with the content of her words. At that moment Maria reminded him of Hansung in his best days. "But I'm not willing to give up AA. I only came here to understand your relationship with my brother and why he's so attached to you."
The realization came crooked, but irrefutable. She was doing it to keep Khun with her, a concern of someone who doesn't feel like the person next to her is a guarantee like he did .
"Then why don't you let him choose between the two of us?"
“That would be stupid. What would I gain by risking?”
“Because this is your chance.” His words came out easily as if someone was whispering in his ear exactly what he needed to say. “I know he made a deal with Princess Maschenny for me and that's why he's here. And we both know Khun doesn't handle situations where he's compelled to do something he doesn't choose to. You said he was distant and cold the last few years, but you also said that you came here to understand why this is happening. You already know why and that has nothing to do with me. It's just how he is. He will never truly commit to you or your team if he doesn't feel like he had a choice. So that's what I propose. If he chooses you, I will leave him. He will be yours, for real this time. But if he chooses me, he leaves with me.” Bam knew it was a bad plan, as usual his recklessness causing him to risk everything in the name of his greed. “Why would you be afraid of that? Has he not already chosen you once?”
Bam was the king of bad plans, always jumping on them and coming out more broken than he went in. But one thing was irrefutable: the cost was always high, but he always got what he wanted. And right now, Khun was his target and there's nothing Bam wouldn't give for him.
Maria narrowed her eyes at him on the last sentence and Bam knew he had it.
Bam stopped in front of the apartment door the princess said Khun was in. He'd already hidden his presence since he'd entered the building and climbed the eight flights of stairs to avoid alerting the light-bearer prematurely.
He took three deep breaths before holding the device's access card closer to the door and it clicked open too loudly for such a quiet surrounding. Taking the stairs instead of using the elevator as an attempt to calm down backfired if his heart pounding like a drum and his body filled with adrenaline and anxiety was any indication.
Bam started to really question if he knew what he was going to do next.
As silently as possible, he let himself be guided through the spacious apartment. No lights were on, and the moon visible through the wide windows did little to illuminate the place. And even though Bam's abilities made him see almost perfectly in the dark, it was not necessary. The whole environment had a very dim blue lighting provided by the reflection in the light walls of the lighthouses that Khun was surely working somewhere nearby.
Across the room Bam found a hallway with eight doors – four on each side – only one of them open. As a precaution he sought the presence of other teammates, but only felt the presence of himself and another on the other side of that door – Khun . Where were the other team members? Could this all be a trap?
Bam moved on anyway.
Before Bam took the last step towards that door, the blue flickered. It only lasted the span of a blink, a quick second when a shadow suddenly passed in front of the lighthouses sending the hallway into temporary darkness. Bam felt his back and head slam against the hallway wall and a sudden chill around him. He couldn't resist — he didn't want to resist — the fist closing in the fabric of his shirt and holding him firmly between the wall and the point of a spear at his throat.
As soon as Bam was able to look at Khun, feel his closeness, the warmth of his living body and here, so close, the point on the spear at his neck, Bam felt a shiver go through his body. The shinsu around them became slightly more agitated as they reacted with Bam’s intense emotions. He wondered if Khun would be able to notice.
Their position caused the light from the headlights inside the room to almost directly illuminate half of Khun's face, allowing Bam to minutely see his lightbearer's expressions. Bam almost lost his breath as he looked into his eyes. He clearly saw the moment Khun registered that it was Bam, his face very expressive for being so surprised. His eyes widen and the sharp, feline pupil flicker as the hand on Bam 's shirt loosened. The lighthouse intensified the vivid, intense blue almost preternaturally, as if his eyes were from another world — a gateway to a universe, brighter and more wonderful than this one. The pupil was surrounded by lines that looks like knife that Bam couldn't remember ever noticing. Those thin streaks were a pale blue and glowed like a halo of spears, which like the spear still at his neck kept Bam frozen in place.
“Bam?” Khun’s voice was low, but his surprise was still noticeable. "What are you doing here?"
"I came for you."
Khun blinked once, then twice. Bam's heart fluttered as a small affectionate smile appeared on Khun's face. Khun took a step back, pushing the spear away and the physical heat of his body coming into contact with Bam. Bam missed.
“You didn't have to, Bam. I think I must have made you think I was in danger, but I'm not.”
What? “Didn’t have to”? Bam didn't like where he thinks Khun was leading this conversation. “That's not the… I mean, I'm glad not. But I had to come anyway.”
“ Bam.” Khun placed his hand on Bam 's shoulder gently. “Bam ,” he repeated, a pain hiding behind his calm face. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have left without explaining myself to you. But you didn't have to come. You don't have to take responsibility for me. I don't want you to. I know how to take care of myself.” Then Khun took a step back, removing his hand from Bam's shoulder .
Bam also noticed a pain hidden between the cracks in Khun's words, as if something in those words touched some sore spot. It could be a “mirror pain”, for being forced to see and deal with a Bam who didn't take good-byes and abandonment well. It could be guilt for leaving Bam's side without explanation – although Bam doesn't blame him. Or it could be that the pain came from the vulnerability that comes with raw honesty. Bam wasn't sure, but he suspected what it was. “I know you do, Khun. And I'm not here out of a sense of obligation. I want to be here. For me."
Bam moved a little closer to take back Khun's hand that was on his shoulder a few seconds ago. Under the lightbearer's watchful eyes, Bam took it in both of his hands and began to gently rub the warm skin, the lengths and peaks of the bones, the knuckles of each finger and all the small scars. The skin was a little rough from the old calluses from training, but it was still a lot smoother than Bam had expected.
Khun's eyes were fixed over their clasped hands and Bam, on the contrary, didn't look away from the lightbearer’s face. He had never touched Khun like that: without pretense, just for the purpose of touching and feeling. He wondered if Khun had already discovered that Bam liked him more than platonically. With the image of Khun still looking so intently at their clasped hands, still bathed in that blue light and looking absolutely stunning, Bam begged, “Come back with me, Khun.”
“Bam…” Khun whispered in a weak voice. “I can't go back.”
Bam still clearly remembered Hwaryun’s voice on the night of the end of the Nest Battle, “Khun Aguero Agnis chose any path that could be on your side, but you didn't choose him back. " His hands unconsciously clasped Khun's as the voice resounded in his head like an unquestionable truth. "Why? Was it something I did? I'm sorry- ”
Bam was interrupted as Khun snatched his hand from Bam's and took a step back. “So you feel sorry for me? Or guilty?” His words were as sharp as knives and heavy with accusation. “Why else would it be, right? I don't want your pity and I don't want your guilt. If that's all, feel free to leave.”
"NO! It's not that. Khun.” Did Khun think that was all Bam could feel for him?
"Yes, it is. Obviously it is” Khun continued to speak before Bam could continue to try to explain himself. “You would go after any of your friends if something happened to them. Anyone. We both know well that it's not because you like them, but because you feel responsible for them being by your side. Because you think you owe them for it. I don't want you to feel this way about me. I chose to be by your side before and you don't owe me anything back. Anything.”
Bam stared at Khun for a few seconds. Khun didn't move any further, his stance and words hard and decisive. He looked the most controlled he'd been since Bam walked into the apartment. Bam sighed. “You are right, Khun. I was like that. But I changed because you taught me that I am a person as much as anyone. Because of my choices, I suffer consequences. And so is everyone, right? So if we are all the same, it makes no sense for me to take responsibility for others who have full capacity to choose what is best for themselves. I am no better than anyone else.” Bam took a step forward, approaching Khun again. "Then no. I didn't come here because I feel responsible for your choices. I came because I want you by my side.”
Bam closed the distance he still had between them and slowly reached out his hands and placed them on either side of Khun's face. In response, Khun raised a hand to Bam's chest as if to keep some distance between them. Except he didn't push it away, he just kept his hand there. "I want you. Give me a second chance?” They were so close that their faces were just millimeters apart. Their lips were as close as possible without actually touching, each ragged breath felt by the other.
Bam desperately wanted to close that distance and finally kiss Khun, but chose to be patient. He was putting himself at Khun's will, for him to simply take what he wanted whenever he wanted. For Bam it was essential that Khun took him for himself, that's how it should be. After all, Bam was always Khun's.
He saw with satisfaction Khun's eyes drop to Bam’s lips and his pupils dilate.
“Bam.” Khun leaned forward slightly and then they were kissing. It was quick and smooth like a breeze, just a touch of lips for just over a second. Bam sighed in displeasure as Khun walked away. "I can not."
Bam gently slid his hands from Khun's face to the back of his neck, tangling them in the soft strands. He let his forehead hit Khun's and closed his eyes. He felt like he needed support as his heart sank.
"Why?" Bam asked weakly.
Keeping their foreheads together, Khun raised his hand from his chest to the back of Bam's neck. “I can't help you anymore. Not from there. You saw the mistake I made in the Nest. You almost died.”
Khun put more intensity into the last sentence, but Bam focused more on the first. Maria was very right and Bam blamed himself for not realizing it sooner. A good best friend would know that. He would do better if given the chance.
“From here I can do more. I'm organizing a way to usurp my father's influence and take control of the Khun family. If I get it you'll have an army of children of Khun for when you fight Zahard.”
Bam's eyes widened in surprise. Khun was...?
“Were you doing this from the beginning?”
"Yea. Maschenny already had that plan, but he needed me-”
"Khun." Bam cut him off, the smile creeping onto his face unbidden. Pure relief flowing through him. Bam couldn't believe that all this time Khun was doing something for him. For so many years Bam was sure he had been left behind. That Khun was tired of doing more and more for him and not getting what he deserved in return. And all this time Khun was still by Bam's side, doing what he thought was best for him. He still “wanted” Bam, and better yet, he never stopped wanting. "I love you."
“W-what ?” Khun stuttered, his body tensing like glass under strain and his hand coming out of Bam's neck. Even that couldn't stop how happy he felt.
Bam let out a laugh and kissed the side of Khun's cheek "I love you." He did the same on the other side. "Please. Marry me?"
“Hey, are you listening to me?” Khun threw his hand over Bam's mouth to shut him up.
Despite the still tense body and commanding voice Bam could see Khun's red cheeks as he never imagined possible. That fueled the crackling heat inside him, making him more euphoric. He could feel the euphoria driving him to be more impulsive and reckless, as if nothing could ever go wrong. Then he licked the hand that was in his mouth. Khun pushed his hand away immediately.
“Bam!” Khun scolded him, even redder. And Bam are sure he could get addicted to it.
"Sorry!" Bam said, like a liar. "Where were we?"
"You are impossible" Khun grumbled, not looking at him.
“I don't want you because you are useful, Khun. I need you with me, that's all. If you want to fight alongside me as my strategist, that would be awesome. God knows how I need my lightbearer. But you wouldn't have to. I would appreciate!" Bam fumbles in organizing his thoughts. “I don't think you failed the Nest for lack of ability, Khun. I think you tried to carry everything on your back by yourself, that's why that happened. I do that too, but you always showed me that I wasn't alone. Well, neither are you. I still think you're brilliant and amazing. And I'm not blind and I'm not lying! I know your abilities and your weaknesses. I would like my light bearer back, my strategist. My best friend. Who I love. You don't have to prove your worth to me. You already have value, and it is incalculable. So please. Come back to me. Let me show you how I want to love you.”
Khun froze for a few seconds, and still looking shocked he nodded slightly “Okay.”
“Can you kiss me, Khun?”
Not a second later Bam felt himself being pressed hard against the hallway wall for the second time that day.