Work Text:
I've never slept so good in my life. Not since the end of the world and frankly, not since before it either. Last night I made love to Daryl fucking Dixon and it was ....indescribable. It left me speechless and let's face it, that's a tough task. And afterwards, I curled over him to sleep like a protective mama lion that didn't want anything to touch her cub.
As soon as I started squirming awake the whole evening came rushing back and Daryl's muscled body and soft breaths were still curled up below me. I rubbed the sleep away from my eyes knowing how late it was but I couldn't look at his slept-on mop of hair and the bed sheet lines along his soft cheek without an uncontrollable craving to devour him.
"Mornin'" I say.
"Hi." He says peekin' out behind stringy hair that's goin' ev'ry which way and I do it. I practically attacked him with morning kisses. I'm so happy that he's just as worked up and he presses against me every bit as hard as I am. I breathe a bit of relief that I hadn't scared him off.
"Let's do it 'gain." He says b'tween kisses. So eager and adorable. And I could feel how much he wanted me and loved me and no one has every wanted me like he does. Ever. He doesn't speak much, but his body and his eyes never stop talking to me and I could listened to them every second of every day.
I groan into his mouth at the thought of having my hands all over him again. Mostly over him anyway. Except for where my shirt's covering. Poor thing came on his own shirt last night and still didn't want to be without it's protection. Shouldn't need that anymore. I'm here now. I should be protecting him. But I know it's nothing I can fix at that moment so I gave him my shirt to change into. And his body relaxed into it. Reminded me of a thunder shirt we once had for a dog of ours that was scared of storms. It was supposed to hug him tight and comfort him. Now my shirt was doing that for Daryl, but it should be just me.
Then I hear Carl! Right on the other side of the curtain. "Hey, Daryl, you in there?"
I pulled off him and covered my smile with a hand thinking of a million times this had happened before with Lori in the old world. I can tell poor Daryl is about to have a heart attack.
"'M Sleepin' Carl. Go away." He grunts trying to sound groggy.
"You seen my dad? Can't find him."
"Yah- he was by earlier. He's heading ta breakfast. He'll be down there. Go on now."
Carl stomped away and something told me he knew I was in here clear as if there was no curtain hanging at all. That was something I'd have to tend to. I giggle again at Daryl because the poor guy thinks it's the end of the world. Wanna console him but he's kicking at me "Go on, git out a' here." He says. And I know he's right.
I sat down by Carl for breakfast and it was just the two of us. I had the feeling Daryl was probably going to skip it today.
"Was looking for ya earlier." Carl said as I sat down.
"Been up and around." I said wondering if I should just make now the time. I know Carol knows cause Daryl tells her everything. And it's become excruciatingly obvious that Maggie knows which means Glenn does too.
I'm not ashamed of loving Daryl. Doesn't matter who it is, telling your son that you have someone new in your life after their mother died a violent death is uncomfortable under any circumstances.
Luckily for me I raised a smart kid and he saved me the grief of bringing it up.
"I'm not an idiot, dad. Know you were in Daryl's room this morning."
I just looked at him with my jaw dropped. Perhaps I haven't been creeping around the cell block as stealthily as I'd thought. Daryl always did say I got ridiculously heavy foot steps.
"You upset about that?" I ask.
"Upset you never told me. You two been different now for weeks. Good different. Happy. And always looking at each other."
My son is a genius. "Carl, I'm sorry I didn't give you the respect of a conversation about it. We... We've still just been trying to figure out what's going on ourselves."
My kid looks at me like I got three heads. "What's to figure out? You're in love with each other. How are you gonna run this place and take care of all these people if you're too damn dumb to recognize something that simple?"
"Carl. I'm still you're father. Watch how you're talking to me." I say but it doesn't come out very paternal and stern cause I'm smiling around the words and he sees that. "You ok with that?" I ask. "With me and Daryl... Being together?"
Carl shrugs and shovels in a spoonful of oatmeal. "Doesn't matter to me. I like Daryl. You know that."
I nod. I do know that.
I was starting to get ready for working the garden but I couldn't do it. I had no focus. Been tough enough lately between nights of kissing, but this was big. Daryl's first. And I was still struggling over my inability to protect him like I should. His insecurities about his back was something that I wanted to ... I don't know. Fix? I saw him with his crossbow, still in my shirt going for the gates and I just couldn't spend the day apart. I looked at Carl.
"Go on, dad. Take a day off. And don't forget to tell him I know now, cause I'm done playing dumb for your sakes." I nod. My son is a genius.
I called for Daryl and he stopped and waited for me to catch up.
"What?" He asks.
"Wanna come with you today," I tell him.
"An' leave yer garden?" He teases.
I love it when he teases me.
"Be ok without me for a day," I tell him.
"You actually gonna help 'er just get in tha way?" He asks and I know he's trying to be flirtatious and it's fucking adorable.
"Does it matter?" I ask, smiling warm at him. I know instantly he'll let me come along cause it's written all over him. He doesn't want to be away from me any more than I want to be away from him.
As we walk through the woods I know I'm distracting him cause he walks right by deer tracks without even stopping. Even I could see the signs in the foliage, so for him to miss it, he was clearly elsewhere.
Made sense for him to be completely consumed with the night before. It was his first time. I was his first time. And I could tell in his cautious steps that he still carried some of the feelings in his back side.
Being his first and only made me even more bound to him. Responsible for him. Wanted to comfort him. Protect him. Love him. Hold him. Wanted him to know I'd give him anything. Let him know that he was everything to me.
But I know that's a heavy task. Because he worries constantly. And I know part of his worries involve me. And how real my feelings are. He has no idea how in love with him I am. He truly can't understand why I would be, because all he sees is a damaged dirty redneck.
That's not what I see. I see strength, loyalty, love, beauty, power, innocence, naivety, honor, truth. I see everything I want and need.
We come to a pond I don't know that I've ever been by before and Daryl sits.
"You're quiet today," he says, a hint of worry in his tone.
"Lot on my mind." I say keeping my eyes on the water and wondering how to talk to him about his insecurities without scaring him off.
"You mad?" He asks out of the blue.
And I'm mad at myself cause I should've known he'd create worry out of my silence. I smile at him and lock his eyes, "Daryl, what could you even come up with that would make you think I'm mad at you?"
He shrugs. I give him time to answer because I really want to know. After throwing a few stones into the pond he says, "Sometimes people get mad 'bout stuff I can't ever make sense of."
And there it was. My opening. "You mean like your Pa?" I said quietly.
He frowns and throws a pebble harder into the water. I already know he isn't going to answer. And I know he's mad at me, but it's a direction I have to take to get to an end where he knows how much I love him.
"Daryl, It breaks my heart that you have so much pain in you and I can't fix it." I say softly.
"Ain't nothin' you gotta fix." He snaps and it's not lost on me that he won't meet my eyes. He's angry.
"I love you. All of you. I don't care 'bout the scars on your back. Nothing I can do about them. But ya got scars in your heart and on your soul cause of 'em and that's what I owe you to fix.
"Ya don't owe me shit, Rick." My sweet love says breaking my heart for the millionth time since I've been in love with him.
We sit for a while and I watch him skip pebbles in the water.
Then I change tactics. This was a big day for him. He lost his virginity last night. Now, in some ways, he's got more experience than me. I've only been with Lori and Daryl. So I've never felt what he felt. Never had someone inside of me like that.
"What did it feel like last night?" I ask him.
He looks at me to make sure he understands the question and then grins and looks away as he tries to figure out the words.
I start trying to skip a few rocks myself to give him time.
"Felt like.. Felt like I had everything of you. Felt like I was just yours and ain't nothin' else in the world but you in me. Like we was almost just one thing together."
My expression surely gave away the excitement of hearing Daryl use such detail. And he continued.
"Feel now like there's a piece of me missing. Empty. Want you again so bad to fill me, make me feel like something. Makes me know you're there to feel you like that and I like you there. Always like you near as I can get you." He still kept his gaze on the lake as he spoke. But as he finishes, he gifts me with his gaze and says "Love you," then looks away real quick lettin' his hair fall over his face.
I get up and sit behind him, legs out next to his, chest pressed to his back and arms wrapped around him. I wanted to surround him and make him feel safe.
"Daryl, I want all of you." I whisperer.
"Y'already have it." He says.
"I don't. You won't let me all the way inside. Want to comfort you so badly."
He sighs and he's sad. "What do you want Rick?" He asks resigned, "I'll give it to you, ok."
I know he doesn't want this. But he's mine to love now and mine to care for and I can't leave him floating in this world thinking those marks on his back are him. He need to know they don't define him.
"Wanna feel your back against my chest" I say and I pull off the shirt I'm wearing, leaving' it laying in dirt and autumn leaves. I hug tight against him even though he still has on a shirt.
We sat like that neither a' us movin' or talkin' for a long time.
And he does it for me. He starts slowly and hesitantly at the bottom and then quickly pulls it over his head pressing his back against me before I could see it.
I have already seen it. Just at brief moments at a distance. We've bathed together a million times over the years, but you just don't stare at a thing like that.
When the warm skin of Daryl's back presses against my chest I groan.
My forehead rests on his shoulder and I can hear him swallow hard.
"You feel ok against me?" I whisper and he nods his head.
I hadn't even realized all of what I was missing with his shirt in the way all this time. My hands are all over him. Feeling his belly, the tops of his hips, his chest, his bare broad biceps. I rubbed my thumbs over his nipples and felt him shiver at the touch.
My hands go to his shoulders and I massage him. Eventually he gets so lost in my touch that he starts leaning forward and his back pulls away from my chest. I can sense the stress in him as he tenses, realizing that he's now exposed. But he doesn't shove back against me. He was allowing me to see him even though it was so painful I could hear him unsuccessfully holding back sobs.
And the way he stays in place, showing me his most vulnerable spot, reminds me of a submissive wolf rolling over on it's belly and exposing it's jugular to the alpha.
"It's ok," I whisper as I run my hands runs down flat against his muscled back. His scars are painful to see at first when the mind imagines how they came to be. But this was Daryl. My Daryl. My lover.
He no longer tried to hide tears from me and they ran fully with hiccups and gags as he fought to breathe through his cries.
"Daryl," I say softly, "You never did nothin' ta d'serve this. This ain't your shame. It's your pa and your momma's shame."
I kept rubbing my hands over his back, soft and light, ignoring the burns and scars and just feeling Daryl, his jagged breaths, his tight muscles and the softness of him under my fingers. And he let me. He let me console him and feel him and love him.
I tell him it's ok to cry and I know some tears have slipped from my own pools of blue. I turn him in my arms and hug him tight, bare chest again bare chest as I run one hand along his back and have the other in his hair, holding his head to me.
"Daryl it's ok. It's over. No one is EVER gonna hurt you again. You are strong, and smart and a survivor. And even if you don't believe in yourself, you have me. And I believe in you. And I would kill anyone who laid a hand on you, Daryl. I'd kill 'em with my bare hands and not think twice. I love you. I want you, Daryl. Every inch of you. Every part of your body and every thought in your mind. Every beat of your heart. I want everything. Everything that is you." He's grown quiet like he's all out of tears.
"Will all of you be mine?" I ask rubbing his back.
"You still want me even with a back looks like Frankenstein and bein' a crybaby ta boot?" He asks softly. And my heart breaks - count now one million and one times.
"I want you because you are Daryl and your back is Daryl and your eyes are Daryl and your face is Daryl and your heart is Daryl." As I spoke I touched each part of him, back, eyes, face and chest.
"I ain't got good words ta use, Rick. He says. And I can tell he's emotionally exhausted and I can see in him that he's not mad at me.
"Want you to have it all," he says.
I smile and kiss him softly, looking into his eyes so he can read in me.
I'm not a fool. I know his hurt from the past hasn't disappeared. But it's not bottled up anymore and I think that's a good thing.
"Rick," He says.
"Yes?"
"I'm happy. Thank you for making me happy."
Daryl Dixon. He' mine now to love.