Chapter Text
Time passes by, they say. No matter what misfortune happens, life goes on. Loss, heartbreak, sadness, fades away eventually. In the end, things are fine, the sun shines again and happiness is abundant, and all the remorse and pain cease to exist.
Billy doesn’t believe that to be very true. He wears a general expression of content, as any proper gentleman such as himself is expected to wear, but that is all an act. He is playing a part (despite how hard it may be at times), and has been ever since the day he let Cole walk away. He has regretted it all without relent, but dares not to show a mere sign of it. He keeps up his ruse well, though the ache in his heart threatens to make him break at any given moment.
Before Cole left, Billy told him that he didn’t need to think, and that was yet another lie. Because Billy did think, it is all he does now. All he thinks is of Cole, and how he regrets everything he did immensely. Billy thinks of how he had everything, and how because of his own choices, he is now left with nothing but a bitter, damaged heart and a fake smile, and a life that he does not want in the slightest. He may have convinced everyone else that the lie he is living is just what he wants, but he has yet to believe it himself, though he thought he would by now. He realizes, of course, that it is pointless, but keeps up the act, as he has no other choice but to live with the regret.
It is typical of him, really, to feel terribly guilty for his decisions after the fact. Billy wants things to be not as they are, he wants to have made different decisions, he wants to go back and choose Cole over all else. Because even after all of this time has passed, Billy still misses him, so much that it hurts. Not that he can show any anger or sorrow about it, as he isn’t allowed to express such things, even though that is all that he feels these days. He no longer shows such feelings by hurting others, though, only by mentally degrading himself and chopping wood until his muscles are sore. Still, he has never been more closed off to his emotions, and has never felt more empty and numb than he does now. Because all he has is gone, and he is the only one to blame.
Despite the promise of his father’s upper farm and his courtship with Josie Pye, Billy feels as if there is nothing to look forward to. Nothing but a dull, empty life, devoid of any meaning and without Cole. And Billy wishes, he does, that he could stop thinking of him, stop loving him. But he doesn’t think he is capable of doing so. He thinks he will regret hurting Cole (it is the worst thing he has ever done), and then letting him go, for the rest of his sorry, pathetic life. Even laughing as he plays hockey with the other boys, flirting with Josie and throwing snow at her and the other girls cannot drown out his sorrows, because it is all pretend. He is a faker, and that much is the truth.
Not that anyone can tell, can see past his lies. His father only sees what he wants to see and doesn’t care otherwise, and Billy never dares to show any emotion in front of him, as he remembers what happened last time he dared to defy him. His father still gets angry with his stupidity at times, as Billy struggles to understand the ways of their business (but acts as if he does), but never as enraged as the day he found out about him and Cole, and Billy plans to keep it that way. His mother acts as if nothing ever happened, ever since the rumors of Billy’s sinful behaviors and Prissy’s wedding scandal disappeared for good, and their family preserved their good standing, and that is all she cares for, never mind the genuine happiness of her children. Jane has grown more serious about future plans, and has a clear disdain about Billy courting Josie, but other than that, treats him the same, no matter what she believes.
But none of them know, they don’t see, how miserable he truly is. No, Cole was the only one who could see right through him. Prissy is a close second, could sense his lies for the most part, but she is off at college (and Billy envies her for being brave enough to do as she wants, unlike him), and Billy has no idea where Cole is, he's just gone. And sure, Billy could always ask Diana or Anne, but those are not real options. He has barely spoken to Anne since the day he found out Cole was no longer in Avonlea, as their friendship ended then (and she was right when she told him he should have never been trusted, as look where it got him).
Anne has grown up and matured, as far as Billy can tell, and seems to enjoy life as she usually does. Her rage toward him seems to have faded, as she gives him a nod of acknowledgment and a small, friendly smile every time they are around each other. Which has been a lot less, as Billy left school after the previous year (he likes Miss Stacy, but he despises school, he's not very smart and Cole isn't there and he has no real friends, so there is no point) and started assisting his father with their enterprise, but he still sees Anne every now and then, and feels a pang of remorse every time he does, as he remembers her last words to him, screaming at him for being the reason that Cole left Avonlea for good.
And maybe for her, missing Cole has gotten easier. But not for Billy. No, it still hurts as much as it did the second he found out Cole left. His life is a void, an empty space, and a large part of him wants to find Cole and see him again. But he knows it will be of no use, because he cannot be with Cole, not now, not ever again. He destroyed what they had, and everything that Billy is expected to be prevents it, it is so complicated, and things will always be that way and there is nothing that Billy can do.
That certainly doesn’t take away his longing for Cole, though, the longing for what once was, but was never to be again. Billy often wonders how Cole is doing, if he forgot about him and is happy, as he deserves more than anything Billy could ever give, and hopes that it is the case, though the thought hurts like hell. But no pain that Billy feels measures up to how he made Cole feel, and Billy will never forgive himself for it.
But still, life goes on, even as Billy feels like he’s dying. He knows this way of living is not okay, but he hasn’t another choice now. This is his life, and it is worse than it has ever been. And sure, maybe it isn’t all bad, but it isn’t what Billy wants, and he doesn't think it ever will be.
Change is part of life, Billy knows that, though most of his life has remained the same, the only exception being Cole. He was supposed to do great things, live up to what was expected of him, be what his father expected him to be, but he never was, it was all pretend and he was tired of it, and took that frustration out on everyone else. He was only able to learn who he was, be himself, and feel alive when he was with Cole. Cole made him open to so many new things, and now he’s gone, and that was Billy’s fault. He ruined what they had, inevitably, and that is that.
Now, Billy is living a life that he doesn’t want. It is funny, how he could have his every desire by uttering a single word, but he doesn’t want any of it. He doesn’t want an agreeable marriage or money or properties or his family’s enterprise in his name. Though, that is all he has in his future, and while he feels selfish for thinking so, it isn’t enough. Cole was enough, and Billy didn’t realize it until it was too late. He broke what they had, hurt Cole like he never wanted to (and promised himself not to, but that was yet another lie), and now this is Billy’s future (he asked himself once what he would do about Cole, and now that he has his answer, he hates it).
He is no longer a child, and as such, taking part in running his family’s business and marriage compatible with his father's interests are top priorities. The moment Billy turned eighteen, his father decided that was an appropriate age to officially start searching for a wife for him, a woman of fortune and wealth, of course. And that is what led him to Josie Pye. Not love, not fate, but rather, money and business, convenience and propriety. Their parents arranged for them to begin a courtship (and eventually, a marriage), and everyone but Billy believes it to be working out.
It isn’t, of course, Billy doesn’t love Josie and he doesn’t think he ever will. But, that does not matter, as they are suitable for each other and expected to be together according to society, but that doesn’t mean they are. He may be a fool, but he knows by now that feelings cannot be forced, nor changed.
Because if he could change how he feels, he would. He would stop loving Cole so much, finally forget about him after all of this time, and he’d like Josie instead. But sadly, things do not work like that, and he’s stuck in this role that he does not want. His father’s successor, an exact replica of him, and along with that, Josie’s future husband, as he will be expected to propose in time, even though any word he will manage to say to her won't be real. And it isn't fair at all, but it is the way of things.
Until then, his father’s business is meant to be his main concern, though Billy could not care less. It is not what he wants. He can’t have what he truly wants. And he could have that, he could have every ounce of wealth and riches, stables and properties, but he doesn’t care about any of it, let alone wants it. And maybe he should, but he does not. No, he just wants Cole, even though he stopped being an option the moment Billy broke his last promise.
And that, being the way that they were, that he is, is not how the world works, and Billy knows that. His future is not, nor will ever be, with Cole. His future is with Josie, in a big house with servants and money, running the Andrews enterprise and keeping their social standing at the top. His reputation is great, and if he goes down that path, so it will stay. That is how things are meant to be.
But, if Cole were in front of Billy now, Billy would throw all of that out the window to be with him. Being with Cole was what made him open to so many new emotions, made him feel alive for once. Billy hates himself for giving that up. He knows he was afraid, he’s still afraid, he’s still terrified of his father, but he wishes he chose Cole instead of that. He should have chosen Cole. But he did make his choice, even if it was the one he did not want. He unforunately still made it, and he still lost Cole.
Billy misses Cole so much. He tries to lie and tell himself that he was never in love with Cole, but yet, he lies awake at night missing his sweet ways, imagining Cole’s warm, comforting arms around him once more. He misses everything about him, and that is no lie. He misses his face, his smile, his laugh, his voice. His blue eyes, his soft lips, his gentle kisses and his soft caresses. Cole was always so loving, so patient, so caring, and Billy never deserved him at all. But, Billy still loves him, even if he never told him any of it because he’s nothing but a coward.
If Billy could go back in time, he would change everything. He wouldn’t have let Cole walk away. In fact, he wouldn’t have even gotten them into that situation in the first place. When Paul voiced his accusations about them, Billy would have denied and lied without mistreating Cole. Pretending is all he is good at it, why didn’t he just do that? He’s so damn stupid that it isn’t even funny, but it is too late now.
Billy thought of the consequences of what society would think if they knew about him and Cole, but he didn’t think of the consequences he’d face by treating Cole the way he did. It was a choice, and regrettably, Billy made the wrong one. Now, he has lost Cole. Because of his own stupidity, he lost the only person who understood him. The only person whom he didn’t have to hide from. And what he wouldn’t do to have him back.
But, it is too late for that, and Billy couldn’t anyhow, he knows that, and wishing things are different won’t make it so. He has too many expectations, too many things he is supposed to do, and his father won’t let him even think about what he wants for himself or who he is as an individual. Because in his father’s eyes, he is not an individual, Billy is his property, and Billy knows what will happen if he tries to sway from that, and he will not risk making that mistake again, despite his despair. It is his only option.
Billy's father already got what he wanted, anyway. Their family still has their great standing, and their high social status which is of no value to Billy at all. No one speaks of those wicked rumors anymore, and Billy’s reputation is fantastic, and his father claims to be the cause. But Billy would trade that and the useless upper farm he’s been given (on account that he marries a woman of wealth, of course, and that woman is Josie), to have Cole back. He’d do anything.
But, he knows that is not possible. But that doesn't mean he does not Cole desperately, doesn't mean he doesn't spend his nights longing and pining for him, doesn't mean that there is little that he wouldn’t do to be with him once more. Because after all this time, Cole still has his heart, and Billy knows that will never change, no matter how much he wishes it would.
Then again, there is not much that Billy can do about it. Cole is gone, and Billy doesn’t know where he is. Where can he be? Billy’s tried to search, but never had much luck. He’s even thought about writing, but he knows it will be of no use. And it hurts, it hurts because there’s nothing he could do or say to get Cole back. This is one thing he cannot fix, and never will.
They say that grief is the price paid for love, and Billy always thought that had meant a love that was lost through death. He sees now that there are more ways to lose someone. Such as, letting them walk out of your life, for example, and regretting it since.
Cole brought so much into Billy's life, and now he is no longer there. Cole was so sweet, so passionate, so caring and gentle, and Billy should have never hurt him. Never should have let him walk away. He loved Cole, still loves Cole, but he acted so cruelly, pretended as if his feelings were the polar opposite of what they are, and Billy cannot take it back even if he tried. Because n ow, there is a lull in his life that will not go away because Cole is no longer with him. No longer his, nor will he ever be again.
It is as if Billy is being forced to live a life, one that he does not want. And he knows what is forcing him, and that is his father. He is living the life his father wants. But meanwhile, he is dead inside, he is numb, and no one seems to care, not that he ever shows it. Billy is supposed to be the golden boy, but it does not feel that way in the slightest. He feels like a fake, a phony, and he is. He is lonesome and sorry, all because of his own mistakes. He is holding on to something, the good that he and Cole had, that he chose to let go of, and that is wrong. He has no right to miss him, no right to hate his life, because this is what he chose, what he regrets.
In his dreams, he and Cole are still together, and they are happy. There are soft kisses and gentle touches and he is in Cole’s arms, warm and safe from anything that threatens to tear them apart. Cole is happy with him, and they are in love, looking forward to a bright future. But that is all a fantasy, it is not reality.
Reality is him being stuck playing hockey with the other boys, most of which he doesn’t even consider to be tolerable. Including Paul, who seems to have mellowed out and matured over time, but shows no ounce of remorse toward Billy at all, and Billy still despises him. Reality is attempting to flirt with Josie and pretend his interest is genuine. Reality is knowing that it never will be, but he will spend his life acting as if it is.
He is trying to drown out his sorrows and nothing is working. He wishes these feelings would go away, that things could be like they’re supposed to, but thoughts of Cole don’t ever fade away, no matter how much Billy tries. It is like he can’t face the music, that Cole left, and there is nothing he can do to have him back. It is frustrating, but it is how things must be.
Billy is unhappy, despite the nonchalant expression he tends to wear. It is all pretend, as his true feelings must remain hidden. Heartbreak and bitterness do not look so great on a man such as himself. He can’t get himself together, but he has to pretend like the future that is planned for him is what he wants, even if it doesn’t even come close. And while he regrets everything he did tremendously, he is the only one at fault, and he will live with that guilt for the rest of his life.
But, he continues to act as if this is just what he wants (when really, all he wants is Cole, still). That he doesn’t want to be with Cole (and should have never been with him in the first place). That he is happy to be with Josie, and he is proud to be the heir to his father’s wealth. He will hide how he really feels and make everyone else believe what they want to, and he won’t do a damn thing about it.
Because this is his life now, worthless and pointless, but with no other options. Billy will keep pretending to be someone he is not, because there is nothing else to do. His life is an empty mess, and he knows that, but he lets on like it isn’t, and everyone believes it. All but himself, of course, but that does not matter one bit.
And although it has constantly proved to be true, he convinces himself that if he keeps lying and pretending, hiding his feelings and being someone he is not, things will be alright. He beats the other boys in hockey, and brags about it when he couldn’t care less. He acts like he is normal, even though he is anything but. He smiles at Josie, but he wishes she were Cole instead. He laughs on the outside, but he is screaming on the inside. And this is exactly how his future is going to be.