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Madam Swan's Sewing Machine.
Thank you for purchasing Madam Swan's Machine! This is a priceless antique that you somehow managed to purchase. Lucky you! This machine will enhance your designs and make them priceless works of art, just like all of Madam Swan's works! We are especially glad you ignored the rumor that Madam Swan's soul was trapped in our machines. However, there are some rules you must follow in order to use the machine safely.
1. When you first receive the machine, clean it off with the included handkerchief. Madam Swan could not stand a filthy workplace so be sure to clean the room where the machine resides thoroughly. Your sewing materials are an exception. ONLY use the included handkerchief. If it is lost or damaged, call the number on the manual for a replacement and avoid using the machine until you get another.
2. Before you use the machine, set down a bowl of peppermints next to the machine. They were her favorite candies to suck on as she worked. Under no circumstances, should anyone eat from that bowl. During your use, you may notice the bowl start to deplete, fill it when necessary and never use the machine when it's empty.
2b. If anyone has eaten from the bowl, leave a spool of red thread with a needle by the machine and apologize for the person's carelessness. Madam Swan won't forgive them but giving her a gift will let her spare you.
3. To set it up, you must say, 'Welcome to your new home Madam Swan! I've cleaned it up nicely for your arrival!' It might seem demented to you but it is done to bind the sewing machine to your home so in case of robbery or misplacement, it will always come back to you.
4. You must dedicate one room for the sewing machine. Madam Swan will not tolerate her property being tossed to the side.
5. Some people report a feeling of an almost euphoric energy that fills them as they work. They end up working days at a time until they collapse from exhaustion. We suggest only holding a 3-5 hour sewing session once per day to avoid this. Any longer and you may fall under her ~~spell.~~
6. Avoid using fabric with silver on the machine. Madam Swan's lover left her for a woman in silver and because of that, she detested silver fabric and would destroy it anytime she encountered it. Besides that, any work you try to create with silver fabric using the machine will always end in a disaster and will result in the machine breaking. We have rules for what you do if it does.
7. Once a month, you must brew a pot of Earl Grey tea and serve it by the sewing machine in a floral tea set. Take some snacks such as cookies and finger sandwiches and leave the room for the rest of the day. No matter what you hear you must not come into the room. The next morning you will find an empty tea set and a silk handkerchief. If it's purple, it's a good luck charm that is given to you for diligently following the rules. Blue is a warning. Red is too late, lock yourself in the room and accept your fate.
8. If you wake up in the middle of the night and hear a loud clicking noise coming from your sewing room, don't open the door. Instead, knock three times and announce its bedtime. The clicking should cease and you can go to bed. If it continues, leave a cup oolong tea by the door. Oolong tea is Madam Swan's favorite bedtime tea, she will go to sleep soon afterwards.
9. If at any time someone comes to your claiming to be Madam Swan, lock it and barricade yourself in the sewing room. Those are one of her "followers" who have decided they need to destroy every machine we sell and every person who uses them. In order to get rid of them, you must damage the machine. Use anything and cause significant damage to it. Once you finish, wait an hour before you leave the room.
10. If you damage your sewing machine you have forty-eight hours to repair it. Luckily for you we have included one free repair included with each sewing machine purchase. All other repairs range from $80-500 dollars. If you fail to repair it in time, you may find Madam Swan herself waiting for you.
11. If you fail to repair the machine, Madam will arrive at your home at 8 am the following day with two loyal followers. She wears a black veil and doesn't speak at all. You may have a chance to live but you must prepare the perfect meal for her and present your best works to her. At the end of the presentation, provide her with a needle, gold thread, red thread and silver thread. If she threads the needle with gold thread, consider yourself lucky, not only did she spare your life but your machine is now repaired. If she uses silver, she is displeased with your show and her followers will be dispatched to end your life in a long, gruesome way. If she chooses red, then your show is impeccable and she wants you to serve her. You can accept, but the initiation will be a ritual that may bring you into another dimension to stay in for eternity.
And that's all! If you follow these rules we can guarantee you'll make the most beautiful, jaw dropping designs that people will pay millions to just look at. Our number is 555-XXX-XXXX We hope you buy a Madam Swan Sewing machine today!