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Neil spent a couple of weeks sitting with his new gender identity or, more accurately, lack thereof. It felt weird to think of himself as anything but a boy after all of these years but he thought perhaps it was freeing.
For the first time in their life, they were thinking about what gender meant to them. They took the time to do some digging online and some of what they found was very relatable and some of it was not relatable at all which made it all the more validating and confusing.
He liked how some people talked about clothes and jewelry as being an outlet of creativity for gender expression but he did not know how to do that. On the run, clothes had been a way for him to blend in and conform without standing out. They were never allowed to have any kind of sentimentality outside of being practical and that was a hard mindset to break.
Mary often chose Neil’s clothes on the run so they rarely got a say in the matter but now they could buy whatever clothes they wanted. The idea was daunting and they had no idea where to start or what styles they even liked.
Andrew had been great during the past few weeks. He did not treat him any differently and he always made the effort to use both he/him and they/them pronouns when referring to them.
Neil looked at Andrew now, sitting across from him on a field of grass on campus. They had been able to convince him to study outside today. Well, Neil was studying and Andrew was reading one of the books that Betsy had recommended to him.
Andrew had just gotten his hair cut so the sides were cropped short and the top was left longer. He was wearing a tight black long sleeve shirt and a pair of loose black cargo pants with a frankly a ridiculous amount of pockets and chains. He had also gotten a cartilage piercing on his right ear about a month ago and Neil was absolutely obsessed with it; it looked really good paired with the multitude of other ear piercings he had and his eyebrow piercing. Neil thought that he was absolutely gorgeous.
“Staring,” Andrew said without looking up from his book.
“Yeah,” they replied with a smile.
“You’re never going to get your calculus assignment done like that,” Andrew replied.
“It’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make,” they said.
Andrew sighed and looked up at Neil.
“I have priorities,” Neil shrugged.
Andrew huffed a barely there laugh and Neil’s smile grew even bigger.
“Junkie,” Andrew said in a resigned voice.
“Yup,” they replied looking out at the campus.
There were other students sitting on the grass around them but they were far enough away that they did not have to worry about eavesdroppers. The sun was out and there was a light breeze, it was nice.
Neil looked at the groups of Palmetto students around them laughing with their friends, studying, or having a picnic. His eye caught on someone across the field from them. This person was simultaneously androgynous and femme presenting. They wore a tight white tank top cropped just short enough to meet the waist of their low waisted jeans and a couple of layered necklaces and rings. Their hair was what Allison called either a shag cut or a wolf cut, Neil could not remember, and they were stunning.
“Oh,” they said, still staring at the stranger on the other side of the field.
Andrew looked up from his book again and followed their gaze until he saw the person that Neil was staring at.
“Do you have something to tell me?” Andrew asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Hmm?” Neil asked, finally looking away from the stranger.
When he saw the look on Andrew’s face he almost laughed.
“No, not like that,” they thought for a minute, “I think…I’m feeling gender envy.”
Andrew looked back at the stranger then at Neil, silently waiting for them to elaborate.
“I…used to look at girls while I was on the run and think that they were pretty but not in the same way that everyone else seemed to look at them. For a while I thought that I would just grow into it,” they shrugged, “and after coming to Palmetto and realizing that I’m demi I thought that I was just able to tell when someone was attractive like everyone else but without the attraction part but now…I don’t know, maybe it’s different?”
He looked to Andrew, embarrassed that he had just rambled like that about something he was not even sure he felt.
“So you want to look more androgynous?” Andrew asked, trying to understand.
“I-I don’t know,” they looked down at their calculus textbook and continued in a quieter voice, “sometimes I wish I could have a cis woman’s body. I just- I don’t know how to explain it- sometimes I want to look like a masculine woman instead of a feminine man.”
They looked at Andrew to gouge his reaction but his face was as neutral as it had been before his rambling.
He brought his knees up to his chest, “I don’t think I’m dysphoric or anything but…sometimes I just wish I could change the way my body looks.”
Andrew nodded, reaching out to brush a strand of Neil’s hair behind his ears.
“Do you want to start dressing more feminine?” Andrew asked.
“Maybe? but I don’t know where to start or what I even like,” he picked at his fingernails.
“We can go to the mall on Saturday,” Andrew suggested.
Neil looked at his partner then nodded slowly.
~~~~
Over the next few days, Andrew showed Neil pictures of different people with completely different outfit aesthetics to gauge his preferences. He discovered that he is not a fan of grunge, colour blocking, cottagecore, eboy, or dark academia aesthetics but he likes soft boy, streetwear, light academia, and monochrome aesthetics.
Andrew took the time to describe each style and answer any questions that they asked. When they expressed that they thought certain styles would only look good on girls, Andrew would find pictures of boys wearing similar styles.
Even with Andrew’s help, they still felt overwhelmed by all of the choices. A part of himself kept whispering that this was a waste of money and time that could be spent on more useful things but he pushed that thought aside. Didn’t he deserve to do something for himself every once in a while?
That was how he found himself in the maserati with Andrew on a Saturday afternoon driving to the mall. Nicky had caught them leaving fox tower but Andrew had simply ignored him and kept walking so Neil murmured a quick apology and followed after his partner, grateful not to have been forced to explain himself.
As they parked the car and were walking up to the mall entrance, Neil suddenly started to feel anxious about the whole ordeal. What if he did not find anything that he liked? What if nothing looked good on him? What if the things that he liked did not make him feel comfortable in his gender identity like he wanted them to?
They reached out and took Andrew’s hand. Andrew looked back at them and understood the anxious look in their eye, squeezing their hand in reassurance.
“We can leave at any time, just say the word,” Andrew had stopped them in front of the mall doors.
“Yeah, okay. Yeah,” they took a deep breath, “I want to go in.”
Andrew nodded and led them into the mall. Andrew was well versed in the stores of the mall as well as the mall’s layout thanks to his eidetic memory so they did not have to wander around to find the stores that they were looking for.
The first store that Andrew brought them to was small with a large selection of pants. Neil let themselves be pulled toward a section of light coloured pants.
“Do you prefer low waisted or high waisted pants?” Andrew asked.
“I think high waisted,” Neil answered.
Andrew grabbed some pants in beige, light brown, and a light denim before leading them towards the changerooms. A young, pimple faced employee greeted them and walked them towards a change room at the back.
“I grabbed a couple of different styles, see what you like then we can go from there,” Andrew said.
Neil looked back towards the teenage employee to make sure that he was not looking before leaning down to press a kiss to Andrew's forehead as a thank you.
He closed the curtain behind him as he entered the change room with the pants that Andrew had handed over to him.
Now, as he stood in the small space surrounded by mirrors, he took a deep breath. He could do this.
The first pair of beige pants were labeled “bootleg” and were a little too tight around his thighs for his comfort but he liked the light brown “pleated straight cut” pants. He tried on a few pairs of jeans and liked the “loose fit”, “mom fit”, and “straight fit” styles, they were comfortable and loose but also androgynous. With his decisions made, Neil grabbed the two piles of pants that he made, a yes pile and a no pile, and exited the change room.
Andrew looked up from his phone from where he was leaning against the opposite wall. He raised an eyebrow at Neil who handed him the yes pile and walked towards the change room exit and handed the employee the no pile.
“So?” Andrew asked.
“I like the looser ones, especially the straight fit ones and the mom jeans.”
Andrew nodded at their response then looked away like he was making a mental note and adjusting their shopping trip accordingly.
They paid at the counter then made their way back out into the mall. Andrew led them to a larger store this time, one with bright patterns and trendy styles. Neil looked around at all of the people browsing the aisles and felt very much out of his element. Andrew, on the other hand, fit right in. He made his way to the back wall and picked out miscellaneous shirts, sweaters, and shorts. Neil followed his partner around the store until Andrew stopped at a rack of skirts.
“I don’t think I’m ready for that,” Neil said quickly.
Andrew just nodded and moved on to a different rack. By the time Andrew was walking them towards the change rooms, his arms were full of different clothes.
They were once again led to a change room, this one had a door instead of a curtain which Neil was grateful for.
They tried on a couple of plain t-shirts, a white one with a little yellow flower over the right breast and a black one with a band logo on it that they did not recognize, which were both comfortable and fit nicely. They tried on some shorts after that but they only liked one pair; it was a loose pair of mid-thigh length jean shorts.
As Neil was getting to the bottom of the pile, he saw that Andrew had selected some cropped t-shirts, tank tops and long sleeve shirts. He hesitated.
“Andrew?” He called out quietly, hoping that Andrew could hear him over the chatter of the other shoppers.
“Yes,” he answered.
“Can you come in here for a second?”
Andrew knocked on the change room door before letting himself in. He looked down at the pile of clothes that Neil had yet to try on, seeing the dilemma.
“You liked them in the pictures,” Andrew explained.
“Yeah but my scars…I can’t just-” Neil tried.
Andrew started digging through the shopping bag that they had gotten from the previous store. He looked through the pants until he found the ones that he was looking for and pulled them out. It was a pair of straight fit, light wash denim.
“Try these pants with this,” Andrew reached behind Neil to grab the white t-shirt with the yellow flower on it, “and this,” he grabbed a cropped, purple knit sweater vest from the pile Neil hadn’t tried on yet.
“...Okay,” Neil replied.
He took off the shorts he had been trying on and switched them out for the jeans. Then, he swapped out the black long sleeve top he had been trying on for the t-shirt and the sweater vest.
Andrew waited patiently as Neil got changed then, when they were done, he leaned forward to tuck the white shirt into Neil’s pants. He stepped back as Neil turned around to look at themselves in the floor length mirror. The purple sweater vest was just long enough to meet the waistband of the high waisted jeans without showing a lot his scars because of the t-shirt underneath.
“Oh,” they said dumbly while looking in the mirror, “yeah I- I really like this.”
They looked to Andrew in surprise. He was already looking at them with the closest thing to a smile he ever got. His features were soft, his shoulders were relaxed, and his mouth was slightly upturned in the corners.
“Here,” Andrew proceeded to have Neil try on various tank top and sweater combinations, t-shirt and sweater vest combinations, and some plain cropped shirts.
While Neil was hesitant at first, they started to relax as Andrew styled him in a way that never exposed too much skin but also pushed him out of his comfort zone. Some of the outfits showed a sliver of skin above his belly button where the shirts did not quite meet the pants but Neil found that they liked it, which surprised them.
Andrew helped them bring their haul to the register so that they could pay. After that, they only stopped by a couple more stores to get accessories and a pair of white sneakers.
By the time that they were walking back to the maserati, Neil was exhausted and ready to go home. He practically threw himself into the passenger seat as Andrew started the car.
“Thank you,” Neil said as he turned to look at Andrew, “for helping me. I know crowds aren’t your thing.”
Andrew reached his hand out and placed it palm up on the centre console and Neil was quick to lace their fingers together. The rest of the drive back to fox tower was spent in comfortable silence, both of them too drained to make conversation.
~~~~
Over the next week, Neil was excited to style and wear their new clothes. The other foxes were quick to notice their updated wardrobe and showered them with compliments. They felt good and confident about their appearance for the first time maybe ever.
Renee smiled at him every time he showed up in a new outfit or with new jewelry and Allison asked him where he got certain pieces. Of course not all of the foxes were supportive, Jack and Sheena, the new freshman, always had something to say about it. Aaron did not like it at first either but, after Jack had agreed with him once, he seemed to do a 180 and started defending Neil instead. It was strange, if Neil was being honest but he wasn’t complaining.
It was almost two weeks later that Neil was getting dressed and he just felt wrong, like something was off.
They looked into the floor length mirror that Nicky had left in their dorm room last year and frowned. They knew that they looked objectively fine but something just did not feel right.
This wasn’t the sort of insecurity he usually felt when people stared at his scars. No, it was different. There was something about how other people would perceive him that bothered him. He did not want people to look at him and see a cisgender man especially in any way that implied attraction, it made him grossly uncomfortable today.
He ripped off the tight cropped t-shirt and light brown pants and threw on a pair of sweats and a loose t-shirt. He already felt better by the time he was changed.
They left the bedroom and sat on one of the bean bag chairs in the living room. Andrew came home from class almost an hour later and sat on the second bean bag chair next to Neil’s. The tv was turned onto the exy channel but Neil was not paying attention.
“Yes or no?” Andrew asked them.
“Yes,” Neil replied but when Andrew put a hand on his lower back and moved them closer, he recoiled, “actually no, I can’t.”
Andrew quickly moved out of his space and back onto his own bean bag chair. There was a wrinkle in his brow, a clear sign of concern on his otherwise blank expression. He would not ask them to explain themselves but Neil found himself wanting to.
“I’ve been feeling kind of off today,” he started, “it’s not a bad day or anything but…I’ve felt sort of uncomfortable being me today…I don’t know how to explain it but it helped when I got changed into sweats. I-I don’t know why this is happening now, I’ve never felt like this before… or at least I don’t think so… maybe I have?”
He looked to Andrew who was looking at him with a non judgemental expression.
“I’m sorry. The idea of people seeing me as a cisgender man and being sexually attracted to me is making me really uncomfortable today and… I know you’re gay…”
“Neil,” Andrew said seriously, “You’re not a man and I don’t see you as one. I’m gay so I’m attracted to cis men, trans men, and gender nonconforming people. I’m not attracted to you because you’re a man, I’m attracted to you because you’re you. Understand?”
They nodded slowly.
“We don’t have to do anything today or any other day. You’re feeling uncomfortable in your body and that’s okay but just know that I don't see you as a cis man.”
“Are…you sure?” Neil asked, suddenly feeling really stupid.
“Yes, Neil, I’m sure,” Andrew replied.
For how much Andrew hated repeating himself, he was always so patient with Neil.
“Okay,” they gave Andrew a small smile and settled back into their bean bag chair.
Andrew stole the remote from them and changed the channel to one of those trivia shows he liked and they spent the rest of the night eating take out and guessing the answers.