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Neil walked into the lounge with Andrew and Kevin trailing behind him. The rest of the foxes were already sitting in their usual spots around the room. Aaron and Renee occupied the two lounge chairs while Allison, Matt, and Dan shared the couch and Nicky sat on the couch’s arm. Kevin sat on the empty couch near Aaron’s chair while Neil sat beside him and Andrew..
Matt shot Neil a quick smile in greeting as they got settled. Neil returned his smile as he tuned into his friends’ conversation.
“Wait so how did you realize that you were trans?” Nicky asked Renee.
The foxes all knew that Renee was trans, she had told Neil over the summer, apparently he had been the last to know.
“It was sort of a slow realization. I was uncomfortable with how people treated me when they thought that I was a boy so I started thinking about what else I could be. I thought that I might be non-binary for a while before I realized that I was a woman. I had to unlearn a lot of internalized toxic masculinity before I finally accepted who I am,” Renee explained.
“Yeah, I think that’s what Erik’s cousin is going through right now,” Nicky replied.
Before Renee could respond, Wymack walked into the room with a stack of papers.
“This is the Terrapin’s lineup for Friday’s game. I expect you all to study it so that you’re ready to face their defence next week.”
Neil was not listening though, he was too busy thinking about what Renee had said.
He had never thought about his gender before. He did not know much about gender non conforming identities beyond the non-binary label and that was only because of Renee. Before joining the foxes, he was always told who to be and what to wear by his mother on the run. Did he really identify as a man? He was not overly attached to the idea.
He did not mind using he/him pronouns but he also did not mind using they/them pronouns. Was that normal? Didn’t everyone feel that way?
Before he could think too much into it, Andrew nudged his leg with his own. When he looked up at his partner, he was holding out the stack of papers with a concerned crease of his forehead. Neil grabbed a sheet and passed on the stack, pressing his leg back against Andrew’s to reassure him.
He would think about this later, right now he needed to focus on practice and the season.
~~~~
Neil was alone in the dorm studying for his statistics final when he remembered Renee’s conversation with Nicky from the day before. He put his pencil down and got up to stretch. His muscles were sore from that morning’s practice and sitting at his desk for the last few hours definitely did not help. He crossed the room, grabbing his keys and putting on his shoes before making his way out of fox tower.
He walked his usual running route, mind buzzing with questions and doubts. He decided to sit down on a patch of grass on campus to think. He looked down at his scarred hands and sighed.
It’s not that he doesn’t feel like a boy, it’s moreso that being a cisgender man does not entirely encompass how he feels. Plus, many of his experiences were influenced by how others perceived and treated him but there was also a part of him that did not relate to other men in many ways. He has never been able to relate to his classmates on the run or even the foxes when they talk about their crushes or sex lives. He has always felt a sense of disconnect between himself and allosexual men in key ways that he has never thought about in relation to gender before but all of a sudden it seemed relevant.
He liked the idea of also using they/them pronouns but he did not feel connected to the non-binary label. What did that mean?
Neil wished that he could talk to someone about this and gain some clarity.
He took his phone out of his front pocket and sent out a quick text.
Twenty minutes later, a familiar head of platinum blonde and rainbow hair approached him. Renee smiled at him kindly as she sat down.
“Hi, Neil, I was surprised that you wanted to meet,” she said as she arranged her skirt around her knees.
“Hey, umm yeah,” he fiddled with his phone, not knowing how to broach the topic.
“Was there something you wanted to talk about?” She asked.
“Yeah, I just…I don’t really know how to phrase it. I guess I started thinking and I feel like I might want to go by he/they pronouns now but I don’t really think that the label non-binary fits me? Like I don’t not feel like a boy but I also feel a disconnect between my experiences and the experiences of allosexual cisgender men, if that makes sense. I just sort of feel like…me? God that sounds so fucking stupid but I don’t know how else to describe it. I don’t entirely feel like a boy and I’ve never felt like a girl, I just kinda feel like nothing? I’m sorry, you probably don’t even want to talk about this right now,” he babbled.
“That’s alright, I don’t mind talking about it,” she paused for a moment, “from what I’ve studied and experienced, attraction plays a big role in how we’re socialized. For example, growing up and being socialized as a boy, attraction to girls is portrayed as beneficial and even essential in our society. It took me a long time to separate how society wants me to perceive myself with how I actually perceive myself but, once you do that, exploring your gender and your gender expression becomes a lot easier. Does that make sense?”
Neil nodded, “I’ve never really thought about any of this until now. It’s weird, I feel like things have changed but I also feel exactly the same.”
“I get that,” Renee smiled, “and you don’t need to decide on a label, not now or not ever. Not having one doesn’t take away from your identity or how valid your experiences are.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s true,” he said.
“So you want to go by he/they pronouns now?” She asked with a smile.
“Yeah,” he looked down at his lap, suddenly embarrassed, “I don’t really know how to go about telling people, though.”
“You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to,” she said kindly.
“I know but I do… I do want to tell people,” he replied.
“Well, I’m always here if you need someone on your side,” she said.
“Thanks,” he smiled back at her, “this was actually really helpful.”
“Of course,” she said as she rose to her feet, “I have class in a few minutes but I’ll see you at practice this afternoon?”
“Yup,” he waved to her as she disappeared behind the sociology building.
He leaned back until he was laying down on the grass and closed his eyes. He wanted to tell Andrew but he was nervous about how he would react. He did not think that Andrew would react badly but this was something new to him and they had never talked about gender before.
He stayed there on the grass thinking about what Renee had said and testing out his new pronouns on his tongue. He thought that he quite liked it.
~~~~
Neil did not say anything to anyone about his gender for a few days and he was quieter than usual as he settled into his new identity. They could tell that Andrew had noticed their change in demeanour but he never pushed him to talk, instead, giving him space to sort through his thoughts.
They appreciated how well Andrew knew them. He always seemed to know when Neil wanted to talk and when he needed space to sort through things on his own.
That was how Neil found himself sitting on the roof of fox tower with Andrew by his side after afternoon practice. Andrew was on his second cigarette while Neil was still getting through his first. They did not know how to bring up the topic of gender but they supposed that being upfront was a good start.
“So there’s something that I wanted to tell you,” he started.
Andrew turned to look at them, face blank. He was wearing a tight black tshirt, black cargo pants, and his signature black armbands. His hair shined gold in the setting sun and he was wearing black nail polish. He was beautiful.
“Do you remember the conversation between Nicky and Renee a couple of days ago in the lounge?” He asked.
Andrew nodded as he blew out a breath of smoke.
“Well it sort of got me thinking about gender…about my gender,” they looked away from Andrew and out towards the sunset, “I think…I mean I know…umm…I want to use he/they pronouns now.”
He looked back towards Andrew to check for a reaction. His partner’s face was less closed off than it was before, almost gentle.
“I don’t really have a label for it, I don’t like the term non-binary for myself and I don’t know many others but I just feel like being a cisgender man doesn’t entirely encompass how i feel? Or like it doesn’t really include me? I’m not good at explaining it,” they huffed a frustrated sound before continuing, “Renee helped me phrase it better the other day.”
At Andrew’s raised eyebrow, Neil actually laughed.
“Oh yeah, I talked to Renee on Tuesday,” he liked that he had surprised Andrew enough to elicit a reaction, “she helped me realize that attraction plays a big role in how we’re socialized and, since I’m on the ace and aro spectrums, I feel a disconnect between what society emphasizes a man should be and what I actually am. I don’t know, it wasn’t a huge revelation or anything, I had just never really thought about it before.”
Andrew inched towards him until they were sitting right next to each other. He grabbed the cigarette from Neil’s hand that had burned down to the filter without him noticing and threw it over the roof’s edge.
“Do you have a preference?” Andrew asked, voice low.
“A preference?” They did not understand.
“Do you have a preference for what pronouns you want me to use?” Andrew clarified patiently.
“I don’t think so. Honestly, I don’t even care if people use gendered terms for me like ‘dude’ or ‘bro’. I just want people to use they/them pronouns for me too.”
“Okay,” Andrew said, lacing their fingers together.
That was something that they had been working on with the help of Bee. Neil still refused to see her on his own but sometimes Andrew would ask him to attend sessions with him when there was something that he wanted to work on in their relationship. That was how they had gotten to the point in their relationship where they actually called it a relationship and acknowledged each other as partners. They had also decided that they no longer needed to ask for consent when it came to touching or holding hands. Other casual touches were okay without verbal consent too if they reached out slowly enough for the other person to move away if need be. It was a relatively new change in their dynamic but it was going well. Obviously, on bad days things were different and they still asked for verbal consent but today was a good day.
“Okay?” They asked, squeezing Andrew’s hand.
“Yes or no?” Andrew asked, leaning in.
“Yes,” Neil replied, closing the gap between them.
It was not a deep kiss but it was a reassuring one. He smiled against Andrew’s lips.
“Thank you,” they whispered.
Andrew leaned back and scowled at him.
“For being you. Just…thank you,” he added.
“Shut up,” Andrew replied.
Neil smiled and rested his head against Andrew’s shoulder. They stayed like that until the moon was high in the sky and the wind got too cold before heading back down to their dorm.
As Andrew unlocked the door and led the way into the room, Nicky called out to them.
“We want to watch a movie! Neil, what do you think about rewatching Toy Story?”
“They don’t like that one,” Andrew replied on his way to the kitchen.
Neil tried to stifle his smile as he made his way into the bedroom to change into his pyjamas but he was unsuccessful. When they walked back out into the living room, Nicky was occupying one of the beanbag chairs while Kevin and Andrew sat on either ends of the couch.
They took Their place between Kevin and Andrew for the movie. As the night wore on, he found himself dozing off against Andrew’s side. They felt safe and happy knowing that Andrew supported them and that he would use their correct pronouns. For now, telling Andrew was enough, he could worry about telling the other foxes later.