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It’s not over. It is not over because the universe hates Eddie Diaz and wants him to watch his love fall apart into pieces every passing day.
It’s been ten days since Buck has been discharged and most of Buck’s physical withdrawal symptoms has been subsided a great amount since then. He doesn’t throw up every meal he eats like he used to before, and his cramps have lessened enough to not make him writh and cry in pain. He still has the shivers— occasionally, but they don’t turn into body wrecking tremors anymore. The cravings are sometimes there— even though Buck tries his hard to not show it, Eddie knows his boyfriend enough to sense the slightest change with him, so Eddie knows when Buck concentrates on picking his nails and bounces his leg fast; he is craving. But through all of this, when Eddie looks at Buck, when he watches Buck from afar; he sees a beautiful, strong, brave miracle of a man and it never fails to overwhelm him with adoration.
But then, the nightmares start.
Almost every night, Eddie jolts awake to Buck’s quiet whimpers or barbarous screams.
Almost every night, Buck clings on to the sheets hard enough to make his knuckles white, and cries in quiet whimpers that turn into horrifying shouts, until he gets woken up by Eddie.
Almost every night, Eddie shakes Buck awake by the shoulder until he comes to himself, and watches Buck pretend nothing is wrong. Sometimes, Eddie manages to convince Buck to get some more rest; but sometimes, Buck doesn’t go back to sleep, and no matter what Eddie tries, he fails.
It’s one of those nights. They go to bed early these days— because slowly, last week’s burnout begins to creep up on and crush them, and Eddie wakes up to a screaming Buck.
It’s almost midnight when a muffled whimper coming from next to him drills Eddie’s ears and causes him to flinch his eyes open, for the second time that night. His heart threatens to burst out of his chest with panic until he realizes what’s going on. It’s almost like a routine, both of them following a script each night; sometimes more than once, but it never fails to scare the shit out of Eddie when he first opens his eyes. Eddie quickly runs his hand over his face to wipe the sleep away and turns his body to Buck’s spot. Buck is clenching his eyes shut, mumbling quiet whimpers between his gritted teeth, and he is fisting the sheets so hard that Eddie fears Buck’s bones will break. His face is covered in sweat— clear liquid washing his face as it falls, and he looks like he is in pain.
Eddie puts his hand on Buck’s arm and lightly taps him. “Buck, wake up.”
Buck clenches his jaw tighter and lets out a moan as he nestles his face deeper into the pillow. He doesn’t wake up.
“Buck. Wake up, c’mon.” Eddie lifts his hand to Buck’s shoulder and shakes him gently, his voice still low, careful to not scare him.
The expression on Buck’s face only gets strainer, the lines on his forehead getting deeper and deeper as he gets lost in his nightmare, unable to find a way out. His quiet cries get louder until they become ragged screams, scratching and tearing Buck’s throat as they fill the room.
“Buck!” Eddie tightens his hold on Buck and tries again, shaking him harder this time. “Wake up!”
One last painful scream leaves his lips as Buck opens his eyes with a startle and jerks up.
“Hey, you’re okay.” Eddie shifts closer to him and puts his hand on Buck’s leg to ground him, to offer him a feeling that may help to bring him back from his nightmare.
Buck’s eyes look around the room frantically as he sucks in loud but shallow breaths, his chest rising and falling as if he was running a marathon. Buck looks… hunted. Scared. He closes his eyes briefly and lift his trembling hand to cover his face.
“You’re okay. It was just a nightmare.” Eddie’s voice is steady. He brings his hand to Buck’s soaked t-shirt and starts rubbing circles, feeling the warmth and tremors vibrating through Buck’s skin beneath the material.
Buck manages to give him a restricted nod and rests his elbows on his thighs as he bends forward. He hides his face in his hands and tries to take a deep breath through his nose.
Eddie keeps his touch on Buck for a few minutes, giving him comfort until Buck’s shakes lessen as he comes to himself and his ragged breaths slowly returns to normal, but he doesn’t raise his head; Buck keeps it buried in between his slightly twitching hands.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Eddie asks him quietly. He knows the answer already, Buck never talks about his nightmares, but he never stops trying, hoping that Buck will share his demons with Eddie one day.
Buck gives him a tiny headshake. “I’m okay.” He whispers. His voice raspy and scratched.
Buck lifts his head from his hands and slides down to rest his back against the pillows. He tilts his head back and rests it against the wall, his eyes looking up— staring at the ceiling.
Eddie props himself up and turns to his side to see Buck, his temple resting against the wall. Eddie silently watches Buck’s chest rise and fall before he raises his eyes to his boyfriend’s face.
“What can I do?” Eddie asks.
“I don’t know.” Buck’s voice trembles. A single tear falls down his face as he closes his eyes slowly.
It’s the worst part. Eddie sees Buck hurt every single night, and he can’t do anything about it. He can’t take the pain away, he can’t offer comfort. He feel so useless and guilty because Buck needs him; but he doesn’t know what to do. And everytime he sees Buck hurting, Eddie hurts with him.
“I’m okay, Eddie. Seriously.” Buck turns his face to Eddie gives him a quick glance, avoiding Eddie’s look. “Go back to sleep.”
“Buck—“
“Eddie. I’m fine.” Buck insists. His voice and posture implies otherwise; he looks like he is shouldering the weight of the whole world, his eyes bloodshot and his face troubled. “Let’s go back to sleep, okay?” Buck sounds tired.
“Okay.” Eddie has no choice but to give in— it’s a dead end, so he gives up and lowers himself in the bed. Maybe they can sleep through the night this time.
Buck turns his body away from Eddie’s face as he slides under— giving Eddie his back. “Goodnight.” He pulls the duvet over his shoulders.
“Goodnight, Buck.” Eddie stares at Buck’s back, watches the way Buck’s body move as he breathes before his eyelids feel heavy and darkness takes over.
Some time later— maybe ten minutes, maybe fifteen, Eddie doesn’t know, Eddie feels the mattress creak as the weight of the bed shifts. He pretends to be asleep until he hears Buck slowly open the door and close it behind him, leaving the bedroom. Eddie lets out a desperate sigh and lays on his back. He wants to follow Buck, sit with him, but Eddie knows sometimes Buck wants some alone time and he doesn’t want to trap him; so he hardly ignores the urge to get up and be with his boyfriend. He stares at the ceiling until he lets the sleep take over.
“This is so much better than dad’s, Buck.”
“That’s because your dad doesn’t know how to cook.”
The soft chattering coming from the distant is the first sound Eddie hears when he opens his eyes. He runs his hand over the mattress next to him and something drops in his chest when he notices that Buck’s side is empty. The sheets feel cold under his fingers; meaning Buck has been awake for a while, or worse, he hasn’t returned to bed at all.
He gets up and goes to the bathroom to wash his face and brush his teeth before going into the kitchen.
In the kitchen, Chris— ready for school from head to toe, and Buck are sitting across each other, having breakfast. The sight brings an instinctive smile to Eddie’s lips.
“Good morning.” Eddie says as he walks into kitchen.
“Morning, dad!” Chris greets him with a bright smile and he turns his face to look at Eddie.
Eddie ruffles Chris’ hair and smiles back before sitting the spot between Chris and Buck.
“Morning.” Buck gives Eddie a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes and— yeah, it only takes a second for Eddie to see that Buck hasn’t came back to bed at all.
Eddie takes Buck’s hand in his own under the table and rests them on his thigh, squeezing his hand firmly. “I see someone is talking bad about my cooking abilities?” He first looks at Buck, and at Chris. Eddie arches his brow and twists his lips.
“You mean your nonabilities?” Chris teases Eddie and chuckles, staring at Buck to get a reaction from him.
Buck ducks his head and laughs softly, maybe one of his rare sincere laughs that he gives recently, and Eddie can’t help but to laugh himself. He really misses… this. This sense of normalcy, with Chris and Buck smiling and talking like everything is normal again. But it’s something he rarely gets to experience these days, so he makes it count and lives the moment.
“Okay, time for school.” Buck says and gets up to put his plate in the sink.
Well that’s…
Eddie turns to Buck after he watches Chris leave the kitchen and go to his room to get his school bag.
“Uh, you’re going to drop him off?” Eddie finds himself asking before he even gives himself a second to think about it. His voice slightly worried.
“Yeah, is there a problem?” Buck looks at him with questioning eyes.
And it’s not that there is a problem. There isn’t a problem. But since they came back from the hospital, Buck hasn’t left the house, and the last time he was out that door, he was missing for two months and it’s not that there is a problem; but what if, what if?
“You look tired, maybe you should rest while I drop him off.” Eddie lies. And he hates himself for it. He shouldn’t. He knows he shouldn’t and he hates it. He feels so guilty and wrong and it makes him sick to his stomach.
“What the fuck?” Buck’s brows furrow and his eyes burn with hurt and anger.
“I’m ready!” Chris calls out to them from the living room.
“I’m coming.” Buck responds without taking his eyes off of Eddie’s.
Eddie forgets how to breathe until Buck comes back, he stares at his watch and counts the seconds. It takes 27 minutes and 19 seconds for Buck to walk in that door.
As the days go by, Buck takes one step closer to hitting the rock bottom. His nightmares become more frequent and violent that sometimes Eddie struggles to wake him up. Buck trashes and turns and jolts awake crying, and it kills Eddie inside. And once Buck wakes up, he doesn’t go back to sleep. Ever.
Every night, Buck wakes up screaming and crying, to the point of almost losing his voice, and after he tells Eddie to go back to sleep; he leaves the room.
Every morning, Eddie finds Buck in the living room— his bloodshot eyes begging for some sleep, staring at nothing.
One night, Eddie wakes up to the retching sounds coming from the bathroom. He rushes over to find Buck bent over the toilet seat, violently throwing up nothing but bile. He crouches down next to Buck and holds his too warm and damp body in his arms— his shivers shaking Eddie with him, until Buck calms down. He whispers in Buck’s ear, tells him that he is safe, he is at home, no one can hurt him anymore, over and over again. They stay like that in the bathroom until the morning light.
Not once, they talk about the nightmares.
As the days go by, the purples under Buck’s eyes begin to darken— almost looking black, his steps become slower and heavier, and his body looks like it can’t hold his own weight anymore. His baby blue eyes lose their spark, leaving nothing but blank stares as they fade. His skin gets paler and paler— a white sheet would look beige next to him.
As the days go by, Buck rides for his own fall.
The truth is, Eddie doesn’t know what to expect, either. Because each day, he wakes up to a different Buck.
Some days, Buck is extremely quiet and withdrawn, doesn’t say a word and zones out a lot; some days, he is irritated and restless.
Some days, Buck doesn’t leave the bed. He doesn’t sleep, he doesn’t even blink an eye; but he doesn’t leave the bed. He is like a ghost in the house.
Buck always looks tired, he is tired. He is running on low, his body is crashing. That’s the only constant.
But whenever Eddie tries to get him to talk, Buck says he’s fine.
And then, touching becomes an issue.
Buck, someone who can’t keep his hands to himself; Buck, someone who melts whenever Eddie touches him, starts to flinch under Eddie’s touch.
It’s a tiny movement, a sudden tiny startle whenever Eddie’s fingers brush his skin— a tiny movement, not even a second long, that Buck probably tries to keep under control to not hurt Eddie’s feelings, but Eddie notices it like he does with everything when it comes to Buck; and it hurts. Because Buck startles under Eddie’s touch like Eddie’s fingers burn his skin. And one second later, Buck gets himself together.
It’s one of those nights where Eddie has to shake Buck harshly to wake Buck up.
“I’m okay.” Buck says as his voice betrays his words and cracks. He runs his shaky fingers through his hair and lets out a shaky breath.
“Buck, talk to me. Please.” Eddie pleas softly, trying his very best to keep his hands to himself; but all he wants is to enfold Buck in his arms and hide him from the rest of the world. He used to be able to do that, it’s funny how things change in the blink of an eye.
“Eddie, you know I’m fine. It was just a nightmare.” Buck looks Eddie and forces a smile, it’s very uncomforting because Eddie sees the anguish behind Buck’s smile and it keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Eddie lets out a tired sigh and rubs his face. Buck can’t keep doing this. Buck has to end it himself, or it will end itself for Buck, with a huge disaster.
“Why don’t you believe me when I say I’m fine?”
“Because you’re not fine, Buck.” Eddie snaps his head towards Buck and almost bites the inside of his cheeks to not raise his voice. “You’re not fine. You won’t talk to me, you won’t tell me what’s wrong, you look dead on your feet.” Eddie’s voice shakes slightly. “I want to help you. I want to help you so bad, Evan, but you won’t talk to me.”
When Buck stares at Eddie— his tired eyes looking directly Eddie’s soul, Eddie almost sees a small part of Buck’s obstinance break, almost. Then, it fades away.
Buck closes his eyes and exhales loudly. “You know what, whatever.” He pushes the covers aside and gets up, walking towards the door.
“Where are you going?” Eddie asks him worriedly.
“To the living room. Can I go or do I need a permit for that?”
“Buck, please.”
Buck leaves the room and Eddie watches him go.
Eddie drifts off to the quiet sounds coming from the television.
When Eddie wakes up, everything is silent. It’s weekday so that means Chris has school, but the house is silent, so he must be very early. He gets off the bed and goes to the bathroom, washes his face and brushes his teeth.
As Eddie walks quietly to the living room, he stops short and notices the blond curly hair peeking out from the side of the couch. Eddie takes a few steps closer to see Buck, resting his head on the armrest, curled to his side, sleeping. He doesn’t know how long Buck must have been sleeping like this, but he thanks God that at least he is sleeping. Buck doesn’t look relaxed— not even one bit, he has a frown on his face and his body seems tense even in his sleep; but Buck is sleeping. Buck’s one hand is dangling off the couch, almost as if it’s waiting for Eddie to hold it and kiss it gently; but Eddie knows if he does this, Buck will wake up— more importantly, Buck will wake up flinching. Eddie swallows down the urge and takes the blanket on the single chair, drapes it over Buck.
He sits on the coffee table and watches Buck as his chest rise and fall. He wants nothing more than to run his fingers through Buck’s hair and plant a tiny kiss on his head, take his hand and rub the soft skin beneath his fingers, give him comfort— but he can’t. Not right now.
“I wish you would let me in.” Eddie whispers.
It’s coming. Eddie is dreading to even think about it, but he knows it’s coming. Soon, Buck will fall apart completely, and it’s gonna be ugly.