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He was always this enthusiastic. There's always this energy surrounding him that can make people smile whenever they feel down and I'm one of them. Billkin was always like this, so shiny, so bright even under the night sky.
We were walking along the coast line while he was humming a song of their band in Chinese. Billkin was the type of person who would go for something he loves, he would go for his passion and I really admire him for that. Unlike me, I'm still undecided on what I want to do in my life.
He kept on dragging me along the coast while the waves were crashing on our bare feet. He gave me a light cracker and gave me a nonchalant nod.
He was always like this, full of life.
"PP, do you think that I would be famous?" Billkin faced me with a sparkle on his eyes.
I furrowed my brow with that question "Why do you ask?"
"Well, I want to be!" Billkin said proudly.
I just hummed in response as we continued walking along the coast.
Truth to be told, I envy people who have concrete dreams. I want to be one of them but after years of trying new things, nothing feels right.
I tried arts, I tried doing fashion and I even tried cooking but the only Billkin eats my cooking.
But with Billkin, everything was so easy for him. He was good at everything he did and he just did things whenever he wanted to.
Sometimes I wonder, why am I not like him? So that people around me were not giving me disapproving and disappointed stares.
We idly walked along the coast as I watched Billkin singing the chinese song I'm not familiar with. He sang so passionately, his eyes sparkled under the night sky as he lifted the light cracker and reached the high tone in the song.
He looked at me with ease when he stopped singing. He then smiled and grabbed my hand as dragged me along the shore.
“C’mon let’s go” He smiled at me while waving his hands for me to catch up.
Moments like this make me feel at peace. Whenever I’m with Billkin, I feel I can be at peace and I’m thankful for that.
Being with him makes me happy most of the time.
--
"Hey PP '' Billkin tapped me on the shoulder while I was absentmindedly staring at the waves on the beach.
We were sitting on the sea shore after I finished my shift at the cottage bar. I invited Billkin to hang out. The stars were shinier than usual and the sea was calm.
It was a perfect night.
"Yeah?" I answered shortly.
"What do you want to do after your graduation? Billkin asked, digging his fingers on sands absentmindedly.
I looked at him with confusion. "Why do you ask?"
Billkin just shrugged and smirked "Nothing. Just asking"
There's a question on Billkin's face.
"Why do you keep saying why you ask and you just don't want to answer me directly?" Billkin added.
I felt like Billkin wants to get some answers from me but I don’t want to deal with it.
"I just don't really know what to do I guess" I answered back.
And that’s true, even after almost finishing college, with the course I didn't even enjoy, I’m still not even sure what to do after. I might just continue doing a lot of part time jobs here in town, just to help my parents pay the bills. I don’t want them to look at me like I’m not doing something.
"Okay, if you say so…" Billkin just hummed.
The sky was slowly covering the stars with clouds, it was getting a bit dark and I think it'll rain later, but I’m enjoying chilling in silence when Billkin sings again.
"Under the night sky, you are still the one that shines the most…" He hummed softly, his voice was soft and velvety, it’s been a long time since I’ve heard him singing.
"Who sings that song?" I asked Billkin.
He looked at me intensely with his unreadable expression. I'm not sure why he's staring at me like he wanted to tell me something, but I immediately steer away from his gaze.
"It's an original," Billkin said. He's still looking at me as if he was waiting for my reaction. But, I don't really know how to react when his eyes were plastered in my direction . I can feel a sudden flush on my cheek and am not sure why.
"I see…" I'm still avoiding eye-contact from him. I wanted to get away from this moment as I felt the stiffness on my body.
As if Billkin could sense my uneasiness, he placed his hands on my shoulder and turned my body to face his.
"Hey PP, you okay?" He asked me worriedly.
I felt like I'm getting out of breath when he suddenly cupped my face and my initial reaction was to jerk back. I could feel my heart beating so fast and I don’t even know why I am feeling like this.
"Hey!" Billkin frowned at me, he was probably surprised as I am.
I didn't give Billkin any explanation as I stood up and stormed away from him.
---
I didn't even know why I did that. I was so flustered from hearing my best friend sing as if it was the first time I heard it.
I stared at my own reflection in the bathroom mirror, the steam went off slowly and I could see myself fully, drenched in water, hair tangled all over the place.
I placed my hand on my chest and closed my eyes. I kept seeing the face of Billkin while he sang his original song. His eyes were sparkling underneath the night sky, his gaze was fixated on me and I suddenly felt a tug on my heart just remembering that moment.
It wasn't the first time that Billkin sang to me some of his original songs, but it was the first time I felt a sting in my heart. He started staring at me deeply as if he’s singing a song for me and it made me nervous.
Billkin is a charmer I must admit, but I didn't see him like that. I knew Billkin was likable but I didn’t like him like that.
Heck, he was my best friends.
Why would I like my best friend of 10 years and with all the years passed and I'm feeling jittery around him just now?
I don't know what's wrong with me, maybe it was just a spur of a moment. Nothing serious.
I don't like him like that.
My knuckles were turning white as my finger gripped the sink. I'm trying not to be distracted with all of these confusing thoughts and it will pass for sure.
---
It’s been days since that incident and I haven't seen Billkin since then. It wasn’t that I’m avoiding him, I just needed to clear my own thoughts.
It was almost the middle of the night and I just got home from my shift from the cottage bar at the resort. It was an exhausting day because there’s a lot of customers that I needed to accomodate.
I plopped myself on my bed and sighed. I could feel the exhaustion spreading around my body and I closed my eyes for a minute.
I reached my phone from my bag and turned it on. The lights from my phone were blinding me, making my eyes squint.
A notification suddenly popped out on my home screen. It was a number of texts from Billkin. I tried to get hold of myself before opening the message because I could feel my heart was racing. I took a deep breath before clicking the texts.
Nong PP, when do you want to hang out?
Hey PP, where are you?
PP, I’m hungry, want to eat?
PP, I’m lonely :( Can you please come to see me?
And with that message, there were selfies attached. It was him making a gloomy face, and right after, it was him smiling.
I felt like he wanted me to fall for his “charms”.
Billkin really thought he could convince me by sending his selfie? What a dumbass.
As the night passes by, I didn’t notice I was staring at my phone for a while now and I immediately wiped the smile on my face when I caught myself smiling.
The lamp beside my bed table was flickering and it’s a cue for me to sleep. I rolled myself on the other side of the bed to turn off the lamp and the only light source from my room was the light coming from my phone.
There was a forming bubble inside my chest when I’m gripping my phone. I tried zooming in the photo and stared at Billkin’s face.
Does he always look this good? I stared at his smile and zoomed in on his dimples.
Cute.
I absentmindedly saved the pictures in my gallery, maybe making it as my future black mail to him.
My mind was running with a lot of thoughts. I didn’t notice I was just swiping left on my gallery and there’s a photo of me and Billkin that caught my attention.
It was taken back when we were in high school, it was our graduation when Billkin ran towards me while my parents were taking a picture of me with the toga. I was minding my own business when Billkin pushed my sides and invaded my pictorial. It was a funny moment when I almost fell out of balance and my parents snapped a photo of me and Billkin strangling me.
My parents were laughing at us uncontrollably, it was one of my memorable moments with Billkin. I have a lot of memorable experiences with him and I don’t know what my life would be without him being my friend.
The thought of him being not in my life scared me, because he was only of the few who truly understands me, who truly knew who I am. He was my most cherished friend, so I really don’t like him like that.
I really don’t like him like that, I don’t like his round eyes and mischievous smile.
I really don’t like him like that, I really don’t like his prosperous laugh and refreshing energy.
I really don’t like him like that, I really don’t like the way he makes me happy and makes me laugh.
I really don’t li-
---
For someone who stormed off away from his best friend and ignored him for at least a week, I feel like a big dumbass for walking my way to our secret hideout spot expecting Billkin to be there.
It was an abandoned swimming pool in an abandoned resort a few kilometers far away from the coast. Maybe that's why it got closed, it was so far away no one would even want to check in there.
Along the days of ignoring Billkin, that dumbass still texting me as if he was not getting the signal that I wanted to be left alone.
I wasn’t sure why I am even avoiding Billkin in the first place, but there are times when I just want to just be with myself and clear out the thoughts I have in my mind.
When I reached the hideout, I felt a wave of disappointment not seeing Billkin there. Usually, when I go missing in action, Billkin’s number one spot to go to was here, but he wasn’t.
But why would he be here when I’m ignoring him for a week now?
Nevertheless, I walked towards the edge of the pool and sat down.
The cold concrete of the edge of the pool was etching against my freezing hands. The afternoon breeze was passing through my skin, I felt nostalgic gazing at the horizon thinking about my time together with Billkin. Being here with him sure has a lot of good memories.
I found myself smiling again and it hit me. It was almost sunset and I'm asking myself why I’m avoiding Billkin in the first place. He didn't even do anything wrong but I just ran away and didn't reply to his messages and I’m not sure why I did that.
I was so flustered at the image of Billkin singing in front of me. I was almost out of breath when I saw him looking at me earnestly.
I was suffocated to see how his eyes shimmered when he sang so beautifully. I can feel my heart pounding outside my chest, it was so loud that I think Billkin heard it too so I ran.
I ran and denied that possibility of me having feelings with my long time best friend. I didn't even know where these feelings came from. We were just our usual selves, we were hanging out, he sang to me then boom, I caught myself being jittery and flustered that I realized I’ve been growing feelings for someone.
And that someone is Billkin. And he was a guy.
The thought of liking someone didn’t really occur to me. It wasn't that I have issues with liking a boy. It’s just, I haven’t found someone that I would be interested in, whether it’s a guy or a girl, the idea doesn’t really appeal to me and I felt like I’m not really missing so much without romance in my life.
Then there’s Billkin.
But I still don't know yet, still figuring if I actually like my best friend or not.
I sighed as I tried to internalize the dilemma I have for myself and I stared at the sky with so many questions. But when I look at the sunset, I just let my brain shut, watching the sun go down again along the horizon.
---
We just clicked. It was in middle school when I first met Billkin.
Even though I'm a year older than him, we have the shared class as he was accelerated for being smart for his class.
Though smart, he was always the center of attention when it comes to nautiness. I remember seeing him on the hallway, knees on the floor and a stick of wood laying on his arms. His chubby cheeks were already drooping in heat and I just can't help but to giggle when I walked through the hallway.
Billkin smacked my head for laughing when we ate lunch after his punishment. If he weren't my best friend, I would report him to our home teacher.
“Hey Billkin, is the punishment for putting on Khunpol’s bag not enough for you” I whined when Billkin grabbed my sandwich from my hand, when I was about to eat.
Billkin pretended not to hear protests, just munching my sandwich that was supposed to be my lunch.
“Hey!” I slapped his hands when he stretched his arms to get the remaining snacks I have in my bag.
“Sorry! I’m just really hungry!” Billkin murmured with his stuffed mouth.
“Don’t you have your own food?” I raised my brows in annoyance.
Billkin just grinned at me while continuing feasting on my lunch, “You love feeding me”
I rolled my eyes in upon hearing that.
--
Ever since meeting Billkin, we were inseparable like conjoined twins because we’re together all the time. My sister even teases me that we’re like lovers, I scoffed at the thought of it.
We're like Yin Yangs. We're so different from one another but we compliment each other so well.
I was the quiet one, he was the noisy one.
He was the outgoing one, I was the shy one.
He was tan, I was pale
He was smart, I was just average.
I was reserved, he was the risk taker.
Sometimes, there are random decisions he makes for himself, but there are times, before he makes a serious decision, he always asks me first. I'm not sure why he always does this but maybe I'm just the person Billkin trusts and he just wanted some support.
That's why I find it unusual when Billkin asked me if it's okay to get music related courses when we were in High School, preparing shit that we need to get for college.
"Do you think that is a good idea?" Billkin asked me randomly while we were hanging outside the school field. His head was resting on his arms while laying down on the grass fields. I was just minding my own business, coloring my nails.
“What idea?” I answered absentmindedly.
“I will get music production in college, don’t you think it’s a good idea?” He changed his position to face my side. He’s now resting his head on his palms while his elbows are digging on the ground.
I steer away my focus on my nails and faced Billkin with a confusion “What now?”
Billkin just hummed, seemingly in deep thought “Hmmm… I don’t know, I like singing and I don’t want to get a course that I don’t enjoy” He looked at me as if he wanted me to understand his point “So I thought on the past few months that I would just get a degree where I can apply where I’m good at”
It even made me more confused, Billkin was smart as hell. He can get engineering or other more serious degrees like anything involving Science or Math, he can’t just waste his knowledge like that.
I ponder with that thought, who am I to say or object to what he wants? He can choose whatever he wants to and besides, most of the stuff he does, he’s really good at it, so I just shrugged nonchalantly.
“I think it would suit you,” I said. “Besides you’re a really great singer, so I think just get whatever you want. I believe you can do some music shit”
I smiled at him. It was a genuine smile of support.
When I thought Billkin would be glad after hearing what I just said, he frowned even more and scooted closer, now resting his head on my lap.
“I don’t know if my parents will support me though” He said with worry in his tone. He glanced up to me, looking for support.
“Well it’s worth a shot if you just tell them what you want,”I assured my best friend “Besides, if they don’t agree, you can just study music while doing some other degrees.”
With that, the frown on Billkin’s face slowly turned into a smile which made me relieved.
“Or you can be a working student to support your tuition fee if you really want to pursue music” I added “If there’s a will, there’s a way!”
Billkin suddenly got up from my lap and beamed a wide smile “You’re really the best PP! I don’t know what I would do without you!” He reached for me to give me a hug but I retracted.
Billkin is always like this, he always clings to me whenever I just say something nice or just give him advice not really worthy of a hug, but with his persistence, I just let him do whatever he wanted.
“Billkin, get off me” I tried squirming my body from Billkin’s hug but he’s doing these fake kisses on my cheeks that made me more awkward.
I forcefully pushed him away making Billkin sulk, which I know was just him being dramatic.
“You don’t love me anymore, Nong PP?” He whined like a little child.
God, why am I even friends with this dumbass again?
“I’m older than you asshole!” I grunted.
“Nong PP, Nong PP, Nong PP” He continued teasing me which made me roll my eyes even more.
But I’m really used with my dumb ass best friend.
My best friend.
--
It was after a week when I regained and convinced myself that I could face Billkin again.
Not that I intend to but we're back at being normal, as if weird things didn't happen between us, rather me and Billkin asked why.
"Why?" His face was resting on his palms.
I'm actually on my shift right now, rummaging through the mixes of alcohol at the bar station I was temporarily working at. It was already midnight and there's almost no one around so I'm pretty chill with my shift when Billkin suddenly popped out of nowhere.
I was trying to get my composure after seeing Billkin again, after realizing that I have feelings for my best friend.
I was so lost in my own thoughts that Billkin snapped his fingers in front of my face.
"Hello? Earth to PP Krit??" Billkin break my train of thoughts.
At first, I wanted to pretend I didn't hear him because I didn't want to answer. I don't have any logical excuse but Billkin was waiting for some explanation to rationalize.
So I just pretended to be busy so that when I answer, Billkin will not see that I'm lying.
"I forgot that I left the gas open at home so I need to go home immediately or else I'll have no roof above my head" I said casually while pretending to clean the spotless glass on the sink.
"PP?!" Billkin was so shocked at my excuse, I looked at his expression and I feel like he believed my shitty excuse and I can't believe that he did.
So with that I feel confident that I can say another shitty thing to Billkin.
"Yeah you know how forgetful I am"
However, his expression changed once again when he felt like there's still happenings that needed to be explained.
Billkin pouted, his sneaky eyes were staring at me, he's having his doubts once again
"But why aren't you answering my call then?" Billkin raised his brows.
I know Billkin will ask that question, of course.
"I was running an errand on my graduation papers to be processed" I excused myself.
"It took you a week?!" Now I'm feeling that Billkin can tell that I'm lying.
I want to avoid eye contact but I need to stand on my excuse and so I did.
"I have other shit to do as well dumbass" I can't think of any reasons anymore so I just let Billkin decide if he's gonna believe it or not.
"Now I'm the dumbass," Billkin sarcastically said. There's a smug on his face, seemingly teasing.
I can see he's not fully convinced of my excuses so he just nodded slowly and propped himself so that I'm fully facing him.
"A message reply would be nice" He said "so that I know what you're doing"
Badump.
I heard my own heart beat so loud when I heard what Billkin said.
I didn't know what to say. I was caught off guard that I forgot that I'm pretending to clean the glasses.
"I'm not just used you not being around" he added
BADUMP.
This time I didn't have the time to process how I would react as I just stared at him and I couldn't seem to look away. I can see the seriousness on his face and I don't know why Billkin is being like this.
I'm pretty sure there was a flush on my face and before I can utter a word Billkin break off the silence and he smiled.
"I have a gig next, next week, you should come," he said excitedly.
I couldn't seem to form a word and I just nodded while I carefully placed the glasses on the rack.
Billkin smiled so brightly when he saw me agreeing and it made my heart flutter even more.
"I also invited Tu, it should be fun!" Billkin added.
And that's how fast PP's heart sank and he just nodded once again, faking a smile when reality hit him.
---
"I also invited Tu, it should be fun!"
Great, just great Billkin.
Congratulations for being the best dumbass in the whole world.
You just ruined everything that you planned for.
--
When I heard Tu’s name, everything that I had made up in my head was shattered as I thought Billkin has a thing for me.
That was just a delusion of mine. Of course, why would someone like Billkin even like me? His own best friend?
But I wasn’t surprised at the thought of Billkin liking Tu.
Tu was pretty, she was smart, she was funny and they also shared the same interest which is music. I failed to realize that there’s someone like Tu who I think matches Billkin alot.
So everything that I’ve been going crazy over was just me overthinking.
I was getting my hopes up for something but reality hits me like a truck. And I don't even know what I am expecting from Billkin.
But with that, now I know my place and I know that I should brush off these feelings that are not even that much at the first place.
I assured myself. Yes, it is the right thing to do.
Before I went to sleep, I found myself clutching my phone, staring at a selfie of me and Billkin.
---
"You're an idiot" Tu was so straightforward.
"I know, I know, but what can I do now?" I groaned in frustration.
I was really frantic that night. PP looked so… I'm not even sure how to describe it. He looks so… ethereal.
So ethereal that I can't even process coherent words and panicked and I just blurted out that I invited Tu.
I didn't even know why I said that.
Tu was just staring at me while we're hanging out at the local cafe when I called her and said that I needed her advice.
I was just too caught on PP being so beautiful that I acted dumb.
"Why did you even say my name? What do you want to prove?"
"I don't know!" I shrieked.
Tu just rolled her eyes and I know she's judging me being so hopeless.
"Billkin you're a hopeless case" Tu said while shaking her head.
I know she's too tired listening to all my frustration towards my best friend and me being hopelessly whipped with PP.
"I know, so what should I do?" I begged Tu to give me advice again.
For me to confess my feelings towards my long time best friend that I've been secretly in love with since we were young?
"I don't know? Maybe just directly confess to him instead of being a sap?"
I propped his head on the table as it was the last thing I wanted to do. If I confess to PP, it should be special.
"I don't want to do that, he doesn't deserve half ass confession" I reasoned out.
That's true, I want to pour out my feelings towards PP in a special way but there's still a fear with me that if I just simply confess to him he'll reject me.
Hence having Tu here to help me with all my love sick problems.
I just want to make sure that before I confess, PP and I are on the same page, or at least I think we are, from the signals I'm getting, which Tu told me to observe.
Observe signals Billkin, body language talk
That's one of the vital pieces of advice Tu told me.
And I did, I tried giving signals to PP and I'm trying to observe his actions but he seems repellant to all of the things I do. He doesn't seem to realize that I'm throwing myself at him and he's just there.
And that frustrates me.
So Tu advised me to step up my game, to flirt with him.
I'm not good with flirting, I'm good with teasing. When I tried flirting, PP always asked me if there's something wrong with him or he would normally ask "why do you ask" jinxing my strategy.
Sometimes I just wanted to blatantly confess and if I got rejected I'd just tell him it was just a joke.
I'm dumb like that.
That's why I'm so mad at myself right now when I think I already got a clear signal from PP and I just ruined it by blurting out I also invited Tu on the gig.
"What did he say after that though?" Tu asked.
"What do you mean?" I got confused with Tu's question.
"When you mentioned me tagging along, what does his face look like?"
I knitted my brow trying to remember PP's reaction and I felt like I saw a shift of mood upon hearing Tu's name but I'm not sure what he's thinking.
"He looked… disappointed?" I said "I guess"
Tu just smirked and forward his body to bend her fingers inviting me to come closer.
"He likes you dumbass" Tu smacked my head.
"Ouch! what is that for?" I groaned.
"For being an idiot duh" she scoffed.
"How are you so sure?" I was scratching my head from the smack.
"He wouldn't react like that when he heard my name if it was nothing," Tu explained.
I nodded absentmindedly, trying to internalize what Tu just explained.
Still not knowing what to do next, I stared at Tu asking for advice "So what should I do now?"
Tu rolled her eyes in frustration "Duh. Go talk to him."
"I don't know… is that the right thing to do?" I asked Tu. I'm still not sure what I will say to PP after that embarrassing moment.
However, Tu said that PP might have feelings for me as well.
So I guess that's worth the shot.
—
I knew I liked PP when I first talked to him when we were in middle school. It’s just one of the moments I knew there was something about this person.
But it was platonic at first really, I just knew right away that this person was going to be my best friend for a long run and I’m not wrong with that.
We just get along for some reason and I always want his company. He’s a fun person even though he doesn't admit it. He always laughs at my jokes, fuels it with some dark humor of his, he's a very reserved person and sometimes I get envious because of that.
He’s really supportive of my antics and he doesn’t say shit that will make me feel bad about myself, though sometimes he insults me, but I know it’s just the way of his affection.
Some people were wondering why I am even best friends with PP. The people around us usually say that we’re the complete opposites of each other.
But I say, that’s why we’re close. They say opposites attract and I think they’re right.
Yin and Yang. PP said one time back when we’re chilling at the sea port after class.
“Whatever you say PP” I just hummed.
Our feet were dangling on the port while the wind was brushing on our skin, it was my favorite time of the day when we just got out of class just to chill. I glanced at PP’s direction and he was just staring at the horizon, eyes were calm, his lashes were brimming as the sunset light hit his direction.
And in that moment, I felt a tug in my heart and the first thing that popped in my head was, PP was beautiful. He was shining underneath the lights passing through his skin, I almost didn’t catch my breath for a second. I was struck when he stared at my direction and smiled.
“It’s beautiful isn’t it?” His smile was the most beautiful smile I ever saw and I just knew at that moment that there’s no going back.
PP was so mesmerizing and it just hit me,
I like my best friend.
I was out for words, absentmindedly staring at him when I said,
“Yeah, yeah it is” I stuttered, trying to gain my composure.
PP steered away and he sighed contentedly, “Oh I wish moments like this are forever,”
“Yeah..” I muttered, still staring at my best friend.
---
When I saw Billkin walking towards me my initial reaction was to avoid him but it may cause suspicion.
I was trying to help my neighbor in his parlor because I was bored and I want to make myself busy so that I won't think anymore about Billkin.
Yet here he was, standing in front of the parlor, on his way to approach me.
I'm not even sure how Billkin found me.
My heart was doing this crazy thing again when it beat so fast I felt like I needed to catch my breath.
"Hey…" he approached me with worry. He's looking at me as if he wanted to tell me something.
I was trying to keep my composure and not let these feelings slip so I'm just going to pretend that everything is all cool.
"Oh hey Billkin" I beamed a smile at him as if it wasn't the fakest smile I ever did.
Billkin was just staring at me worriedly, I don't know why he was like this.
"Uhm.. do you have a minute? Can we talk outside?"
I knitted my brows in confusion, what does Billkin want to talk about?
"Sure" I just shrugged it off and went outside to talk to Billkin.
"What's up?" I asked nonchalantly.
Billkin opened his mouth then closed it. He was looking at me warily, it seems like he couldn't form coherent words.
"Hey…" I tapped his shoulders, making him slightly stumble.
He cleared his throat and he looked at me carefully "Uhm are you angry with me?"
I raised my brows upon hearing that. Why would Billkin ask such questions?
"Huh? What are you talking about" I asked.
"I mean, I invited Tu at my gig and I wasn't supposed to say that beca-" Billkin was stuttering with words but before I could let him finish I cut him off when I heard Tu's name.
"Oh no problem! Of course, why would I be angry if you invited Tu" I faked a smile but I feel like something's stabbing my heart.
"PP I-" Billkin added but before he could finish his sentence, Khun Neb was already yelling my name, asking me for assistance.
"Oh hey Billkin, sorry gotta run, talk to you again!" I don't want to hear anything Billkin will say so I just excused myself.
Thankfully Khun Neb was really calling after me.
-----
"This is hopeless" I let out a long sigh after all the efforts I've been trying to get PP's attention.
For some reason, I felt like he's avoiding me and I'm not sure why.
Ever since I sang an original song to him, he started avoiding me and making excuses that he thought I would believe.
I really don't know what's running through his mind and I don't know what to do anymore.
It's been weeks since we last talked and tomorrow's going to be my 1st gig with my new band.
I kept sending him messages but I'm always left on read or when he replies he was just sending dead end replies.
The last text that I've sent him was a text that's reminding him that he should come to my gig.
It was an important gig that PP needed to see.
And PP just replied "Okay."
I feel so hopeless.
---
I don't want to get my hopes up and it's better to stay this way until graduation.
I feel like a huge jerk by avoiding Billkin and I assured myself that it's all nothing. I've been avoiding seeing him for the last few days since he mentioned Tu and I keep convincing myself that everything was all okay and I don't feel any jealousy at all.
I need to stay away from Billkin as much as I can until these feelings are gone, hoping to think everything can go back to normal. Me and Billkin will be best friends again.
Billkin kept on texting me and I tried my best to ignore his messages and his random selfies (that I kept on saving) and I just replied when it's really needed.
However, the texts are coming shortly these past few days and I'm not even sure why I'm getting worried.
I was in my room, sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at the phone resting at the counter top table.
I feel so anxious and worried at the same time. I know that I'm avoiding Billkin but he's not texting me anymore like he used to. That's why when I heard my phone buzzing, I immediately stood up and read the text.
You promised you'll swing by my gig, please come tomorrow.
Miss you.
There's a sudden scratch on my throat when I read the text. All of the feelings and emotions that I want to be gone, came back like a whiplash with him just saying Miss you.
I can't control any of these anymore, it's now or never. I know I'll never have a shot with him but I'll just tell him whatever I feel for him so that it's all over.
I collected my composure and took a deep breath.
Okay.
I replied.
----
It's not my first time on stage and it's not my first time PP seeing me standing here but it's my first time that I'm going to be the lead singer for tonight's gig.
I'm not actually the lead singer, but I convinced my band member to give me this one night to showcase myself, rather have this moment for me to confess my feelings with my long time best friend through an original song.
Thankfully, my band members agree to it and now I'm having jitters and awfully nervous on how I will execute my plan.
But it's now or never. It's only 10 minutes before the gig. I sneaked a peek at the crowd from the back stage, and there weren't a lot of people so I could spot PP figures easily. It was an open beach area where people could come and go. There's a few lurkers but I just wanted PP to hear me sing on this stage.
He was standing not far away from the stage but not really close enough that I could see his facial expression.
I feel a sense of relief knowing PP is watching me.
I know he's been avoiding me lately and I was kind of expecting he won't come but he did, him just standing idly at the crowd, being the most beautiful person I've ever known.
1 minute before the opening song Tu texted me a "good luck dumbass ;)" even though I knew she was just outside. I grinned at Tu's gesture and I'm grateful that I have Tu as my friend.
When the lights were ready, the lead singer entered the stage and announced that there's going to be a special number for tonight and when I heard that, I felt my heart would jump out of my throat. Before that, we have an opening number first.
I went outside backstage and the first person I immediately found was PP. I didn't take a full glance at him earlier but right now, all my focus was on him because he was literally glowing under the night sky. He was just wearing a very casual see through knitted vest and khaki shorts. But nevertheless, he always took my breath away, and I'm not sure how I can perform right after this.
Absentmindedly staring at PP, my bandmate nudged me with his elbow and cleared his throat.
On that cue, we started our first song.
----
He was the only person I could see at that stage.
That's when I realized that I fell too deep and there's no going back.
Even though Billkin wasn't the main singer of their band, I can feel his intense stage presence when he was playing in the band and he was really amazing doing the backup vocals.
I can feel his energy radiating from the stage. He looks so happy and ethereal as if there's nothing else in this world but him on the stage. I'm starting to accept that I really like Billkin even before.
It was just an admiration back then, but seeing him on the stage, being so happy, I admit it's more than that.
I was so deep in my thoughts that I forgot I was staring at him and I snapped out of my trance when I saw Billkin was staring at me as well.
His eyes were focused on my spot and I could feel the gush of heat rushing on my face. I broke the eye-contact and he just chuckled.
I feel like he can sense that I'm flustered and I just want to dig up my own hole so I can hide from this embarrassment.
What are we? High School students?
The 2nd song was playing when I saw Tu in my peripheral vision. She was suddenly standing beside me, nodding her head side by side, enjoying while humming to the song.
I felt a strange churn in my stomach and felt so uneasy all of a sudden.
Tu glanced back at me when she sensed that I've been stealing glances at her and she tugged my sweater. She smiled at me with her eyes wrinkling and it's no wonder why Billkin likes her.
"The song is nice, right PP?" She nudged her body slightly against mine. I felt a slight irritation on the gesture because she acted like we were close.
We just casually knew each other, of course, through Billkin.
I just smiled at her, not knowing what to say.
I glanced back at Billkin on stage, he was looking on our side and I just knew he was looking at Tu. I felt like my head was spinning and my heart was churning. Tears were swelling on my eyes and before I break my eye contact with Billkin, he smiled at our side and said “I hope you know this is for you”
I looked at Tu and she was smiling widely. I immediately looked away to hide my disappointment and turned around to leave the area.
Before I could go, Tu grabbed my arms and I was stunned to even speak.
“P’PP, where are you going?” She asked innocently. It seems like she doesn’t sense the awkward feeling I have when I’m with her.
With the ramble thoughts I have in my mind, the only excuse I can say was “Bad stomach” and I immediately walked away.
Probably leaving Tu confused.
—
I didn’t even get a chance to run after PP when my song ended. He immediately dispersed among the crowd leaving me confused on why PP left all of a sudden.
I felt like my world was shattering when I figured out PP wasn’t interested when he just casually left after my performance.
Tu went backstage immediately, asking me a lot of questions I didn’t bother to listen to.
I snapped back into reality when Tu slapped my arms “Hey Billkin! Can you please talk to me?!” Tu yelled.
I was just staring blankly on the curtains, background noise too muffled and too crushed on what just happened.
“Tu… I really tried my best” I sighed. I’m so hopeless right now and I don’t know what to do anymore.
“I know you tried your best Billkin, that’s why I’m confused too!” Tu exclaimed.
“I was so damn sure PP likes you, the way he looks at you when you’re singing on stage, it was something else! That’s why I was so damn confused when he just left without saying anything” Tu explained.
I looked at her with my weary eyes, is this what they meant by being broken-hearted?
“I don’t know Tu, I really don’t know” I feel like there are tears pooling on my eyes.
“But here’s the weird thing though, I felt like he misunderstood something” Tu added.
I looked at Tu with confusion.
“Huh?”
“I felt like PP misunderstood something, the way he stared at me… I felt like.. He’s jealous of me?” Tu said, knitting her brow, I know she’s just helping me with my current situation and I know she’s trying her best to consolidate my feelings.
“What do you mean by that?” I asked Tu. I somehow felt a sense of relief at what Tu was saying.
“I’m not sure, maybe I’m just assuming things but when I went to his side, his mood suddenly changed, as if he was disappointed I was there and maybe he assumed that you’re singing the song for me?” Tu guessed.
“He kept staring at me while I enjoy jamming to your song and I can see on my peripheral vision that PP was getting uncomfortable on my presence but I don’t want to ruin the mood so I just played safe”
It actually makes sense, PP was dense most of the time, and hell of an overthinker. Sometimes I wonder what was running through his head and he can’t get a slightest sense that I have feelings for him.
“I see, that makes sense” I nodded and rested my head on my palms.
“Right?!” Tu beamed a smile.
“So what should I do?” I asked Tu, this is my last hope.
“Just call him, or go to his house! Explain things to him” Tu said “Gosh Billkin, your best friend is too dense!”
“Alright, I’ll just call him first!”
I was feeling hopeful for the last time, I’m just hoping this will work.
—
I didn’t even think of what Billkin might do. I was so distracted by my own thoughts that I didn’t notice that my sister was nudging her elbows on my ribs.
“Hey PP, Billkin is calling you again and again. Can you please answer that?” P’Petch said.
I was too distracted, I didn't even notice that my older sister was in my room as well.
I didn’t even bother what she’s doing inside my room as I continue to ignore Billkin’s calls.
Silence echoed in the room.
P’Petch was maybe annoyed by the phone ringing so she just answered the call without my supervision.
“Hello Billkin? No, PP is not here, he left his phone. I’ll let you know when he gets home” P’Petch said. I didn’t utter a word but I was mildly surprised that my sister excuse that I was not here.
Maybe sensing that I don’t want to talk with Billkin, I thank my older sister for being the most sensible person I know.
I stared at her with the most sincere eye-contact I’ve given to her, to give her a signal that I’m thanking her.
But right after she ended the call, she raised her brows and crossed her arms.
“So… what’s with you and Billkin?” She said with an interrogating tone.
Leaving with no energy, I just let my guards down and just told her what’s in my mind.
Thankfully, I can be open with my sister.
“I think I like Billkin” I confessed. But this confession wasn’t a happy one. I was feeling defeated knowing Billkin likes Tu.
P’Petch was just silent. I was expecting her to be more surprised but she was just “and?”
“But I have no hopes nor chance with him… knowing he likes someone else” I exasperated.
I looked at P’Petch’s confused face, seemingly not grasping on what I just said.
“Uhm… I don’t think that’s the case” she said to me with confidence.
I knitted my brows in confusion. What does she mean by that?
“What are you saying?”
“PP, I know Billkin and you since we were child and both of you are inseparable as heck” She said, “I was surprised that the two of you are still not together at this point”
It even made me more confused. Of course, Billkin and I are inseparable, we’re best friends!
“Huh?” was the only thing I can say.
P’Petch rolled her eyes.
“Gosh PP, I knew ever since that you like Billkin even before you know it yourself, and I feel like Billkin likes you as well” P’Petch continued.
“You two are dense as heck, especially you PP, dense and slow!” She grunted.
I’m not even sure what my sister was saying, Billkin likes me? That’s impossible! I’m so sure that Billkin likes Tu and the song performance earlier was the evidence.
“How can you be so sure and assure that Billkin likes me P’?” I asked my sister.
“PP, sometimes I just want to smack your head.” P’Petched said annoyingly “Billkin looks at you as if your his world, he follows you everywhere, he gives you everything you ask, sometimes even if you’re not asking. “
“That’s why I’m wondering how the hell you’re so dense that you still didn’t know that your best friend has a thing for you”
She sighed.
I was flabbergasted on what P’Petch said, granted all of those things are true, it was just the way Billkin was, it’s just how our friendship was and I didn’t want to put any malice on whatever he did for me.
“It’s just how our friendship is P’Petch” I reasoned out.
My sister just sighed in frustration and grabbed my charger on the socket.
“Whatever you say PP, but don’t expect me to dodge and make excuses for you when Billkin comes here and looks after you.” P’Petch said, then she left my room leaving me alone with my thoughts.
—
The calls from Billkin finally stopped and I avoided him as much as I could. I also told P’Petch not to tell my whereabouts and it’s been 2 weeks since I last saw Billkin. He sometimes went to my house but luckily, I dodge everytime he looks after me.
I just don’t get it, why was he still bugging me after the confession song he did for Tu last Saturday?
Maybe… what P’Petch was right, maybe, just maybe Billkin might like me? But it’s not possible.
I was trying to keep myself busy helping Khun Phong accommodate his customers in his cafe, cleaning the used tables all around and suddenly a pair of feet was standing in front of me.
I glanced up and I wasn’t surprised when I saw Billkin in front of me, seemingly worried and anxious.
“Hi PP, can I talk to you?” Billkin said while fidgeting the hem of his shirt.
I’m not sure what Billkin wants to talk about but I don’t want to cause any commotion in the cafe so I just nodded. I gave a signal to Khun Phong who was at the cashier that I will be taking a break for a while.
I went to the back of the cafe so no one could see nor hear us, Billkin followed through.
“What do you want to talk about?” I asked Billkin, crossing my arms. I wasn’t really annoyed, I just wanted this to be done.
Billkin took a step forward, seemingly reaching out to me.
“Why are you avoiding me, PP?” Billkin asked me desperately.
“Uhm.. I’m working multiple jobs?” I answered sarcastically.
Billkin looked frustrated as he tried finding the words to say.
“PP, are you angry with me? Please let me know because I really don’t know what’s happening with you” Billkin sounds frustrated right now. His face was frowning in despair and I felt guilty all of a sudden but what can I do, I cannot be around Billkin knowing he has Tu now.
“I’m not angry,” I said. I wasn’t really, but I’m slowly getting annoyed right now “besides why are you looking for me? Why don’t you be with Tu?” my voice was getting hoarse as I tried not to crack a tear.
“What?!” Billkin asked, he looked confused “Why would I be with Tu?”
“Because she’s your girlfriend?!” I yelled. I couldn’t control myself anymore as I felt like tears were pooling in my eyes.
Billkin was getting more confused, he was trying to reach for my hand but I was stepping back, making Billkin more frustrated.
“Why would I be with Tu, when I wanted to be with you?!” Billkin yelled.
And with that, I was taken aback. I felt my heart just jump out of my chest and I was too stunned to speak after hearing what my best friend had said.
I just stared at Billkin. I couldn’t believe it… Billkin wants to be with me.
As I’m not still saying a word, Billkin finally reached my hand and grip my wrist.
“Hey PP, why are you not saying anything?”There's a worry in Billkin’s face and I feel the lingering on Billkin’s touch.
“Wh-what did you say?” I was still stuttering and I’m not sure if it’s the tears or the sweat running down on my face.
“Why would I be with Tu when I wanted to be with you” Billkin was now cupping my face, his voice was a lot softer than earlier.
“I like you PP, heck, I like you for so long I’m not sure if it’s just a simple like” Billkin said as he caressed the tears on my face.
I can’t believe this is happening, I’m still just staring at Billkin who’s looking at me so softly. There was a worry in his eyes and nervousness with his touch. I wasn’t able to jerk away and I didn’t intend to.
Billkin likes me and this is too good to be true.
“Say something PP..” Billkin pleaded.
“I-I, I don’t know what to say…” this is true, I’m lost for words “y-you like me?”
Billkin laughed.
“I don’t know how many times I should say it PP, I like you, I love you, I adore you, I admire you, what else do you want?” Billkin said jokingly.
With that, it finally hit me, “What about Tu?” I asked, just to make sure.
“What about Tu? Tu is only my friend and she’s actually helping me to confess to you, you dumbass” Billkin softly pinched my cheeks.
“Oh.”
“What oh?” Billkin raised his brows.
All this time I thought he likes Tu and I’m the one making a fool of myself, maybe I’m really dense as P’Petch says.
“I thought you liked Tu and with the song, I thought you’re confessing to her and-” I was cutted off before I could finish my sentence when Billkin put his hands in my lips.
“Shut! PP for once can you listen to me?” Billkin ordered. His eyes were furious and he’s making this funny serious face.
I just nodded in defeat.
“Okay, that song is for you. That was actually my confession for you, all these time, I’m giving you a hint and you seem really dense not to notice that” Billkin explained.
“I like you for so long and I don’t know when I will get the chance to confess my feelings.”
“I was actually giving you signals but you're too oblivious to notice that of course” Billkin added.
“So here we are, at the back of Khun Phong’s cafe, professing my feelings for you” Billkin finally finished his sentence.
There’s a lot of thoughts and questions running in my mind but before I can ruin the mood, I want to get rid of these feelings that I’ve been pushing down for a while now.
“Okay, that was really surprising” were all the words I could utter for now.
I’m not sure what Billkin was expecting from his confession but I before Billkin can say another word I blurted,
“I like you too,” I blurted. My cheeks were heating up from the embarrassment and Billkin was just standing there in surprise.
“Wh-what did you just say?” Billkin was stuttering. His face was so surprised, sensing that he couldn't believe what I just said.
“I like you too, dumbass” I repeated and now I suddenly feel the weight was off my shoulders.
It feels light to finally confess and admit to myself wholeheartedly that I like my long time best friend.
The smile on Billkin’s face looked as if he won the lottery. He just smiled at me widely and say,
“I like you too much PP” He said, still cupping my face.
I could feel my heart was swelling with all the mushiness right now. I couldn’t help myself but to smile like an idiot while being cupped on the face by my best friend.
Before my break and Khun Phong find us here, Billkin asked me a question that I didn’t think would happen in my life,
“Can I be your boyfriend?” Billkin asked confidently, he looked at me as if I’m his whole world.
I can’t believe this is happening, I feel like I’m dreaming and any second now I will snap into reality. But I can see the sincerity in Billkin's eyes. I can see the reflection of myself through his glassy eyes and I realized that this is all real.
“Yes, you can be my boyfriend” I answered nervously and before I could add something, Billkin hugged me tightly. I was taken aback by his action but I instantly melted on his arms and I hugged him back.
If this was a dream, could someone pinch me on the cheeks?
But it wasn’t a dream, I could feel Billkin’s warmth and tenderness surrounding me and I never felt like I’m home until now.
This felt right and I don’t want this moment to end.
—
Epilogue:
Billkin and I were hanging at our usual spot on the beach, his hands were intertwined with mine and I wouldn’t trade anything in this world with this moment. I looked in his direction and I couldn’t believe my best friend was now my boyfriend.
He was brushing his thumbs against mine, I still feel giddy when he does that. He stared at me and he smiled widely and I could feel my heart melt with his smile.
“I couldn’t believe you’re mine now,” Billkin said softly.
He’s such a sap and I couldn’t believe myself by being giddy about this.
“Well, I’m all yours now.” I answered with confidence.
It's been a few months since Billkin and I were dating and P’Petch just gave me a smug smile when I told her I was finally together with Billkin.
The only words she said to me was, “Finally! It’s been long due” and she patted my shoulders like a proud sister.
But within the months of me dating my best friend, I’m still not sure why Billkin likes me. I’m not really that great of a person. I’m just ordinary.
There were a lot of people Billkin would like but why me? I’m just this plain PP with no direction in life. I only mediocre compared with him, so I couldn’t help but to wonder, of all people,
“Why me?” I didn’t expect that I would blurt out this question in my mind.
Panic emerged in my mind but before I could take back my question, Billkin answered.
“Why, ‘why me?’” He asked.
I don’t want to make a fool out of myself but it’s been bugging me for a long time now so I need to ask Billkin now.
“Why do you like me?” I asked nervously.
Billkin furrowed his brows in question. He looks confused with my question as if it didn’t occur to him that I would ask this.
“Why are you asking me that PP?” He asked, there was a concern in his voice and I felt silly about it.
“Never mind, I take it back” I dismissed the question but Billkin stared at me intensely.
The grip on our intertwined fingers became more tight as he stared at me softly.
“No PP, why do you ask why would I like you?” His voice is hoarse and I could feel it melting at this moment.
“I mean, what’s to like? I’m just this simple person with no anything special.” I confessed.
There was a scowl on Billkin’s face after hearing what I said.
Before he could say anything, I added,
“Besides, I don’t even have anything in my life. I don’t even have a direction nor dreams. Unlike you” I said. I was staring down on my lap, embarrassed to face my boyfriend.
“What are you saying PP?” Billkin scowled in disbelief.
“I mean…” I mumbled.
Billkin cupped my face suddenly, squishing my cheeks with his rough hands.
“Listen to me PP, don’t you ever say that you’re nothing special” Billkin said to me sincerely.
“You’re the most amazing person I ever knew and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise”
“You’re one of a kind and I wouldn't trade anything in this world with you.” He added.
“You’re a reliable person, you’re a very good friend, you make people around you realize their potential because you believe in them. You always support people you love and the love you give for everyone important to you is just so amazing that I envy you for being like that.”
“You gave me so much love and support even though we've only been friends before and I couldn't thank you enough for being there for me at all times. You made me realize that I can be anyone, that I can do anything because you said I could. And with that, I couldn’t help myself falling for my best friend that I cherish the most.” Billkin continued, I could see tears brimming on his eyes and I felt so warm hearing those words from Billkin. I couldn’t believe that this is how Billkin sees me
“And even though you always say that you don’t know what to do with your life and you’re not sure what’s your path you want to take, you always try and try and try a lot of things in this world and I admire you for that.”
“You’re not afraid to fail, you’re not afraid of being rejected, you’re not afraid of just going for it and it actually inspired me to reach my dreams because of that PP. You inspire me.” Billkin finished. He exhaled deeply after saying a lot of assurance for me and I could feel myself crying with all of those words I didn’t expect to hear.
This is how Billkin sees me and I’m not sure if I deserve it.
“Don’t you ever look at yourself like that PP, you’re really special and I love you for that” Billkin gave me his most sincere assurance and I was taken aback with the last words he said.
“Y-you love me?” I asked Billkin.
Billkin smiled at me and said “Of course I love you, I love you even before when we’re just friends”
“I love you even without knowing it and I’ll always love you for the rest of our lives,” Billkin added.
He was such a sap and I feel like melting hearing those words. My heart swells with so much joy hearing those assurances from Billkin. It just feels right to be with him and I took all the courage I have and blurted,
“I love you too,” I murmured. My face was facing the ground due to the embarrassment I’m feeling right now.
Billkin jolted from his position and shrieked, making me startled.
“You love me too?” Billkin was smiling widely. I could see the stretch of the smile reaching his ears.
“Of course you dumbass,” I giggled. Billkin was squirming in joy.
He then rubbed his thumbs on my hands and stared at me with his half hooded eyes. His lips were apart and his gaze was focused on my lips. He then gulped and gnawed his lips before asking me,
“Can I kiss you?” He asked softly.
There’s an obvious rush of heat flushing on my cheeks, my heart is beating so fast I feel like it’ll get out of my ribs. I could feel that Billkin was nervous as I am when I absentmindedly nodded and closed the gap between his lips and mine.
Billkin attached his lips on mine and my brain suddenly stopped. His chapped lips were pressing against mine and it was only a chaste kiss. Billkin retracted and looked at me with panic. I want to shy away because my cheeks were probably flushing in red right now. My mind was rushing with so many thoughts, my skin and fingers were tingling but before Billkin could even say something, I placed my hands on his nape and deepened the kiss. It was a spur of the moment I don’t want to miss.
His lips were moving against mine and my mind was hazy, the rush of blood was tingling my senses and my rationality said I should stop but I couldn’t. His fingers were now digging on my scalp as he tried to prod his tongue against my lips, asking for permission to open mine and I obliged to do so.
His tongue was twirling against mine when he tried to deepen the kiss even more. I’m running out of breath as I tried to catch when Billkin’s furiously tugging my hair. My skin felt so hot and before anything else could happen, I placed my hand on his chest to catch my breath.
“Billkin..” I said while panting out, I could feel my hair was a mess after Billkin rummaged his hands on my hair.
Billkin was also catching out his breath and the first thing he blurted out was “I love you PP.”
It made me feel even more flustered. I smiled at him and replied “I love you too Billkin.”
END.