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The first night with a new partner. Said to be special, gentle, caring; a true sign of affection. But for Grell it was anything but.
It was nerve racking, filling her head to toe with constant swarms of anxiety, the worry that he would be like the others. Better yet, be like him.
Ever since the incident she was cautious about letting people in. About ever loving someone again. But, with Ronald it was different.
Or so she hoped.
A fancy dinner at an expensive restaurant. Finally, they had gotten a night off together, so he wanted to treat her to something. Not their first date, but an amazing one nonetheless.
She wanted to trust him. He really was such a good kid. But, isn’t that how they all appear at first? Kind and loving, only to one day discard their mask and reveal themselves as the worst kind of monster a woman could think of.
A woman’s worst nightmare.
Speaking of nightmare, she still had them frequently. Waking up in sweat, tears already running down her cheeks, breaths hard to come by as the memories flooded over her. Fingers delicately tracing over her neck, trying to convince her brain that it was just her, there was no one else in the room. He wasn’t in the room.
She would never forget the feeling of his hands on her. Around her throat. Along her body.
But why?
Was it her fault? Is it because of her personality? The way she portrays herself? The way she was dressed?
She could barely even keep her mind at ease while at work, assignments constantly being turned in late due to wandering thoughts and the inability to focus. And the repercussions from William didn’t make it any better.
If anything, they only worsened it. The tone he used. The way he belittled her. It sent chills down her spine, and not the exhilarating ones she used to get as new graduates.
As the two returned to her house, she tried to push those thoughts aside, but they were hard to ignore with the anxiety paining her stomach.
Shoes slipped off, coats hung up. She knew what was coming. What he had planned.
Her mind seemed to clear for just a moment while in his embrace. A gentle, loving embrace that she hadn’t felt in forever before becoming closer with him.
Embrace turned into soft kisses. Then sloppy ones. They walked with each other up the stairs to her room, and the second she hit the bed Ronald could tell something was off.
“What’s wrong babe?”
Grell sat up on the edge of the bed with Ronald standing in front of her. She bit her lip and tried to prevent any tears from falling as he ran a caring hand through her hair.
“Nothing, I’m fine.”
She wasn’t looking at him. He knew she was lying.
He took a seat next to her.
“We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”
She shook her head.
“No, you’re just saying that. It’s okay, I don’t want to make you mad.”
“Make me mad?” He raised his brows, surprised by her statement. He moved the hand in her hair to her cheek, thumb lightly going back and forth over it. “Why would that make me mad? If you don’t want to, that’s okay.”
“You’re just saying that! You’re saying it so I feel bad!” She choked on a sob she desperately tried to hold back.
“Grell, listen to me.” He turned her head so she was facing him, but still she refused to make eye contact. “I’m not going to force you to do anything. And I’m not saying any of this to guilt trip you. The only thing that matters to me is that you’re comfortable.”
There was no more room for held back tears, finally allowing them to slip down her cheeks and bring black mascara with it.
He could feel her shake under his touch.
“I’m sorry Ronnie. I know it’s something you want, but I’m not ready yet.”
“Babe, you’re not listening to me. What I want is for you to be comfortable. For you to feel safe. I don’t know what happened to give you this mindset, but it’s all wrong. Sex is not something that I need and I would never force you into it.”
She nodded slowly, finally averting her gaze up to him. He placed a loving kiss atop her head, sighing into her hair.
“I’m not going to push you, but whenever you’re ready, I’m here to listen to what happened. I want to be able to help you. You’re not alone in this. You’re never gonna be as long as I’m here.”
He looked at her for reassurance, and when he got it he flashed her a soft smile.
Another kiss was placed on her head before he got up from his seat on the bed, retrieving night clothes for her as well as makeup remover and a warm towel.
“Get comfortable, if you want I can stay the night with you and we can head to work together in the morning. I might have stashed some of my clothes in your drawers as well.”
She laughed weakly at that, getting up and beginning to change once he turned his back. He did the same when he found his said clothes.
He sat back against the pillows as she removed her makeup, watching as her freckles and natural skin came into view. As her hair was thrown up into a bun and some kind of moisturizing product was lathered over her face.
When she turned to look at him he had his arms outstretched, blankets pulled back so there was room for her to settle in.
Cautiously, she walked over, climbing in next to him as he pulled the blankets up over them. She sighed as her head rested on his chest, arm wrapping around her with his hand resting on her shoulder. He smiled down at her.
God, was he in love with her.
She was quiet for most of the night. She listened to his stories about whatever came to mind. That days collections, how Eric had started to piss him off. She didn’t care what it was about, because it was helping keep her mind at ease.
She slept through the night peacefully, held in his arms the entire time. It was the first night she could remember where she wasn’t awoken by the memories invading her dreams.
She didn’t plan on telling him that night, she didn’t feel ready yet. But she knew she would eventually. She had developed some more trust for him.
And she began to start loving him, too.