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Josh watches his neighbor move in to the apartment right next door to his own. It’s a young guy, tall, with floofy brown hair and a small and lanky build. He looks to be around Josh's age of 24, maybe younger by a couple years. He's using a cane, the kind blind people use to see what's in front of them.
Josh feels like he’s in trouble. The neighbor is extremely cute.
He watches movers carry things in, hears the neighbor on the phone as the movers finally leave as he starts to close his door. "Mom you gotta let me do this, I'll be fine I promise.”
The next night, as Josh steps out onto their shared porch, he sees the new neighbor sitting on the steps. He's got an open book on his lap, his fingertips run slowly over the pages. After a few minutes of Josh's inability to quit staring, he jumps with the neighbor suddenly engages him.
“I can feel you staring at me.”
“I-I’m sorry.”
“It's okay.”
“How did you know?”
The neighbor turns his head towards Josh, who steps closer, and sits down on the top step- three steps up from he one the neighbor occupies.
“Didn't you know that all blind people are psychic?”
Josh breathes a laugh. “That's a new one to me.”
“Well, there you go.”
Josh shakes his head. This guy is funny, and he immediately likes him.
“I'm Tyler, by the way. Tyler Joseph.”
“Josh Dun.”
“Nice to meet you.”
“Yeah, you too. So…what are you reading?”
“Hemingway, A Movable Feast.”
“Good one.”
“I love the way he describes things. I'm glad they make it in braille.”
“I’ve never understood how that works. You ever try audio books?”
“It probably works best when you're born with hands for eyes. And I have tried, but don't like them. I tend to forget to listen and zone out. Come down to my step. I'll show you.”
Tyler tries to point out the different letters, explain the count and how their lineups make a letter. It doesn't exactly resonate with Josh.
“Dude this just feels like a bunch of dots to me.”
Tyler laughs, “I mean, that is what braille basically is.”
“I think I'll stick to the regular alphabet, if you don’t mind.”
“I understand,” Tyler smiles and closes the book. “The sun's setting.” He says softly.
“How can you tell?”
“I’m a sky psychic too.” Josh laughs. “Okay, seriously, for me it's mainly the birds. They sing differently at sunset than they do at sunrise. In the morning they start slow and then get louder as the sun rises. When it sets they sing loudly before they settle in. It’s also the way the temperature drops. Good internal clock helps too.”
“That’s…that’s really cool. I’ve honestly never paid attention to the difference.” Josh listens to the night song the birds sing, it makes sense. Their songs really are lively in a different way as they bid each other good night.
“I can't wait until I can finally see. I'm getting a surgery. If it goes well, I won't be blind any more. Months seem longer right now.”
“How much longer til you get the surgery?”
“Nine months.”
“Why so long?”
“Mainly because, understandably, my mom wanted to help me find a really certified doctor we could trust. It took a long time, but we found a highly recommended one that is actually located here in Ohio. It took even longer because insurance is slow to approve and the doctor we found is booked out. We've made an appointment, but it's still going to be a long wait. I can't wait to see the sunset, to see everything. I think it will be worth the wait.”
“It is… Sunset is different every night, you'll never get bored by it.”
They're quiet, the birds slow their songs and quiet down just a bit with the suns slow decent. Josh had never noticed just how different they sound during different times of day, never paid attention to those now obvious details. Right now, it bothers him that he hadn't fully appreciated just how grateful he is to be able to see, to witness the beauty of a sunset.
“Josh?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you mind...Could you describe it to me?”
“The sunset?”
“Yeah.”
Josh wonders how the heck he's supposed to do that, but he really can't get himself to say no. Tyler’s too cute for no. Besides, it's strange for him to just click with anyone, much less a stranger. He doesn't much care for being around people anymore.
“It's...red nearest the horizon, bright orange that fades higher into the sky. There’s clouds that are pink that run through the orange part of the sky. Much higher above the orange, the sky is getting darker, a navy blue.”
Tyler smiles, “Josh I don't know how to see colors.”
“Oh duh. Crap okay. How do I..." Josh sits for a moment in thought, looking at the colors of the sunset. Their fiery reds, warm oranges. Suddenly it clicks. Tyler can't see, but he said his hands see. "Okay I think I can do this."
Tyler sits up, posture at attention, with a toothy smile that makes Josh want to sigh because sweet Jesus the guy is painfully adorable.
“So, orange is something that might feel very warm, like laundry right out of a dryer. Red is...red is very hot like food right out of an oven, or…or…fire. Pink is...pink is sometimes soft and warm, like an animals body heat and its soft fur, or kind of like human skin. It could also be almost as hot as red though. Blue is...cold like ice but can be like room temperature water, and sometimes even hotter than red.”
“You’re really good at that,” Tyler grins from ear to ear. “I think I understand.”
Josh side eyes Tyler, feeling like a smooth operator, a grin of his own forming. “I'm no Hemingway but I got the basics down.”
Tyler laughs. “Can you give me another color?”
Josh looks out over the grass of the lawn, the trees that line the road, and takes Tyler's question literally. “Wait. I'll be right back with one.” He crosses the lawn, picks leaves from the closest tree and brings them back with him. “Hold out your hands.” Tyler does as he's told and Josh puts the leaves in his cupped hands. “There's green.” Tyler feels them quietly before laughing.
“Tree leaves, I get it. That's so cool.”
“What do you see, if anything?”
“It's like...it's like...I don’t see anything. I guess it's whatever nothing is. I don't know how to describe it. I don't know what to compare it to.”
“Hm. Well, nothing...nothing might be black. The night sky is black too,u can’t think of what it would feel like if you could touch it. Black smells like burnt food sometimes.”
They sit in silence that is surprisingly very comfortable. Tyler rubs the leaves in between his thumb and index finger. Josh watches him smell the leaves. He closes his eyes and imagines the nothing that Tyler sees.
Before they part to go into their own places, instead of saying goodbye, Tyler asks, “So you wanna see how a psychic blind man cooks?”
Josh laughs, surprised by the odd question. “I mean, I don't know man. That could be either really good or really bad. Should I notify the fire department?”
Tyler smiles wide, “No, I'm awesome. But you should definitely come over tomorrow night, if you're not busy, so you can rest assured that I won't set the place on fire.”
“I’m in. What time?”
“Six-ish.”
“Cool. I'll pitch in a side of fire extinguisher.”
Tyler opens his apartment door, Josh does the same.
“Night Josh.”
“Night Tyler.”
++++
Over a short period of time, they grow attached and spend nearly all of their free time together. Josh hates that he loves the fact that Tyler can't actually see him and Tyler loves the fact that Josh tries to see how he sees, and explains the world the way he can't see it.
They begin to spend nights at each other's apartments, and eventually no longer knock to be let in. Josh no longer has to guide Tyler around his home. Tyler knows each step through it even without his cane.
He loves to witness Tyler's careful grace, deliberate movements. Loves watching him touch things, face drawn with intent concentration. Tyler's hilarious, easy to be around, easy to call a friend.
Josh realizes all too quickly that he is falling hard for him. He feels twisted, awful. A badly scarred burn victim falling for a beautiful blind guy who can't see his physical flaws seems wrong. He could never act on it. He believes strongly that Tyler would surely be repulsed if he could actually see his disfiguring scars. He counts the days, the weeks, the months until Tyler's surgery. To him, it feels like it might be a goodbye.
Contrary to any of Josh's worries, Tyler wants Josh more than anyone, wishes more than anything that he could really see Josh, see him smile, see any and every detail his eyes won't show him. He wants to touch him with his hands that can see the way his eyes don’t. He's tried to reach out to even lay his hand on Josh only to feel him flinch away.
He finds himself asking too many questions, making too many jokes just to hear Josh’s voice, to hear him laugh. He wants to listen to Josh talk forever, listen to the smooth deeper alto like tones of his voice with its soft and subtle flowing bass behind it. He always finds an excuse to be close because Josh always smells so good and gives off a different warmth than he'd felt from anyone. But it seems that Josh is uncomfortable if Tyler gets too close as he would move away if he tries to. With much difficulty, Tyler tries to not take Josh's distance personally. But he likes Josh so much more than just a friend, although in his mind, be believes that he’d never feel the same. It’s not often anymore that he’s feels insecure about his disability, but now he worries that it might have something to do with Josh’s distance.
They keep their close distance in silence and hold tight to their friendship.
Josh is comfortable with Tyler. His voice, his smile, even the way he smells comforts him in a way he’s never known. When he’s around Tyler he feels normal, forgets his scars, but feels horrible for ducking out of Tyler’s grasp or moving when Tyler would get too close. Eventually, slowly, he stops moving away as often, as Tyler seems to have learned to not reach out to touch him. He wants to be closer to Tyler. He knows Tyler sees him, even without sight. He doesn’t mind so much, being seen from the inside. But even the inside of him, although untouched by flame, has scars. Somehow he knows that Tyler sees them. He finds comfort that Tyler can’t touch them, doesn’t see his internal deformities as deformities at all. If he does, he understands, and Tyler’s presence feels healing to them. It makes him feel so normal, until Tyler’s hand would reach out again and Josh would get thrown right back into his armor of fear. Those beautiful hands, Tyler’s graceful all seeing and possibly healing hands, should never touch his fear. He feels like they would be contaminated in some way. Tyler lets him keep his distance, but he knows. He wants to let Tyler in, he wants to feel every single bit of Tyler through him, over and under his skin. He admits to himself loves Tyler, but denies to himself that he wants to let Tyler love him.
But when the night finally comes that Tyler asks about Josh's appearance, Josh is terrified. He turns into a frozen ball of tense nerves.
They sit together on the steps, while Josh tries to think of things that could feel like the oncoming Spring time storm clouds. How to describe what they would feel like to Tyler if he could touch them, those dark stormy grays--the almost black green and murky gray blues.
“Can you...would you describe what you look like to me?”
Josh can't stand the idea telling Tyler about his scars, or that he thinks he looks like a half melted wax candle. He wishes he was beautiful like Tyler. “I um...” He doesn’t want to lie, he doesn’t want to tell the truth. He jokes instead, “I-I have green skin and huge eyes. My head is very big, my mouth is small and I have a real small body.”
The joke is weak, hollow. Tyler doesn’t laugh.
“Oh...well...cool. I've never met an alien. But…but what do you really look like?”
He can't bring himself to answer. He stares, frozen, at his warped right hand, nail beds gone and permanently missing nails on three of them. The nerve damage had been severe. He has no feeling in it. Looking at it makes him sick. Touching Tyler with it would surely burn Tyler’s perfect pale olive toned skin.
Tyler raises his hands waves his fingers, and asks very carefully, “Would you let me see?”
“No.” Josh answers too quickly too loudly. Tyler shrinks away. Josh sighs, he hates saying no to Tyler, hates the harsh tone that he’d used and had never, ever directed at his friend. “Dude...I’m really sorry its just…I'm just...I'm not like...can we just not go there right now please?”
“O-okay.”
“I'm sorry.”
For the first time, their silence is awkward, uncomfortable. Josh reads the clear concern and confusion on Tyler’s face, the tinge of hidden hurt.
Josh slowly scoots closer to Tyler than he normally would let himself and leans to the side until his left shoulder touches Tyler’s right.
“It’s not you, okay?”
Tyler leans against Josh, grateful for the unexpected contact, but isn’t sure he believes him.
++++
Six months until surgery.
It's mid afternoon, right after Josh comes home from work that Tyler busts through his door, yelling excitedly that he wants Josh to meet someone.
Josh’s insides go cold. He doesn't want to. He doesn't want to, he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to, and he doesn't want to. He wants to tell Tyler to get out, go away and hell fucking no because whoever he meets will see him, really see him. They'll tell Tyler that he's disgusting. Josh is ridiculously irrational and illogical in assuming that Tyler would lose interest.
But then there’s Tyler, practically bouncing, looking so adorably excited that instead of saying no, all he can say is "Okay."
A pretty, middle aged woman with patient eyes stands on the porch, on the top step.
“Mom, is Josh. The Jishwa Dun.”
Josh can see, that for just a split second that she is minutely taken aback when she sees his scars. But then she smiles so warmly that Josh’s insides, that had been cold with fear, warm immediately.
“Very very nice to finally meet you, Josh." Josh is grateful she doesn’t reach to shake his hand. “You should know that, as any good mother should, I love embarrassing my children so I'll tell you straight off the bat that Tyler never shuts up about you. I’ve heard your name every other sentence for three months now. He looks for excuses to bring you up in every conversation. He talks about you so much that I like you and I haven’t even met you.”
Josh is charmed, flattered by her and absolutely entertained by the look of horrified embarrassment on his friends face. Josh laughs, hard, unable to contain himself.
“That’s really great to know, Mrs. Joseph. I’ll be sure to remind him, every day, that you no longer need to hear about how wonderful I am.”
“OH my fricking gosh mom, you’re horrible. When are you going to disown me? Right now would be a great time to start the process, I think.”
“You had it coming boy. Not that I mind hearing about your lovely friend here, of course.”
“Cool. I'm gonna go dig a hole and die now.”
“While you're at it, go find your wallet and shoes. We don't have all day, kid.” She turns to address Josh, as Tyler slumps away into his own apartment. “He's got an appointment today, they're keeping up with his eyes, making sure there's no changes while on the wait for his surgery.”
“Yeah, he's um, really excited.”
Josh wishes he could think of something, anything intelligent to say. It seems that Tyler has talked him up so much that he can't even begin to amount to his descriptions. He feels undeserving of high portrayal in general. But then Tyler’s mom decides to turn him into an emotional puddle of warm goo.
“All seriousness, thank you for looking out for my boy. You really make him happy,” she says softly, “he is nuts over you.”
It takes a second before Josh can speak through the warm, cotton like fuzzies that fill his chest all the way into his throat.
“I-I definitely feel the same. He’s…he’s wonderful,” He pauses for a moment, swallows his nerves. “Mrs. Joseph I hate to ask you this but...could you not....not tell him about... this?” He motions towards his scars, “I just...it's a part of my life that's hard to talk about, and I will talk to him, but right now I just...I-I care a lot about him and I'm scared because of the negative reactions people have had to seeing me. I'm not trying to like fool him because I know he can’t even like, technically see me. I'm just not ready ye-“
“Sweetie, that's not for me to tell him. That’s all up to you. I can say, though, that Tyler is very smart. He sees you a lot more clearly than you apparently see yourself. He sees the world in you, and from what I've heard, he sees it through you as well. You're a good man, and those scars don’t change the fact that you're a very good looking one. Those negative reactions certainly weren’t valid. I hope you learn to see yourself the way he does.”
Josh has never wanted to hug someone so badly in his whole life. He can't get himself to, he hasn't touched a soul for many years now. But this woman had definitely touched his.
She pats his shoulder and squeezes it once. He freezes a bit but doesn’t flinch. “We're having a barbecue next week. Just the family, I really hope you'll be there.”
Tyler appears through the door way. “I can’t find my shovel. Can we go now or are you gonna say more things to embarrass me?”
“Oh honey, I’m never done with that. But I think my duty as a good mother is fulfilled for the day.”
“Sweet.”
“Okay kid, we're gonna be late, let's hit the road.”
“I'm driving.”
His mom laughs, “That sounds like a great idea. Why don’t you take a take a nap at the wheel while you’re at it? It was great meeting you Josh, I'll see you next week.”
“I'll be home soon Josh.”
“I’ll make something for dinner.”
Josh watches them pull off before he goes inside. He likes Tyler's mom a lot. He's terrified of what the rest of Tyler’s family might think, but if they're all as great and as warm as she and Tyler are, it might not be so bad.
++++
Josh wonders if Tyler's mom had told the family to not mention his scars because they don’t even seem phased by them. His family is just as incredibly warm and sweet and hilarious as Tyler. Josh's initial fear doesn’t stick, it slides right off of him as they greet him like he’d been around them for years. It doesn’t take long before he almost feels like one of them.
Since his family had passed, he hadn't felt like a part of a family in a long time. He spends the visit with a lump in his throat and Tyler's little sister, Maddy, as his shadow. After dinner he plays dress up Barbie with her on the deck as she drags out what seems to be every Barbie she’d ever owned to show him. Tyler’s dad approaches him as he dresses up Barbie #3 in her pink sparkle dress.
“Hey Josh,” he tosses a bean bag towards him and out of sheer luck, he catches it. “Come on son. It's cornhole time.”
Maddy looks at Josh like she's gonna cry. Josh stands. “Come on, I’ll need your help.” For the first time, in many years, he offers his hand to someone. She takes it with a huge smile.
While Josh plays corn hole with Tyler's dad, brothers, and sister, Tyler sits on the deck with his mom.
“I think your sister is trying to give you a run for your money.”
Tyler grins, “Oh jeez, what's she doing?”
“She's following him around like a lost puppy and she hasn't left him alone since dinner. He’s even been put through ‘Barbie dress-up time'.”
Tyler snorts, “Yeah she casually mentioned to me at dinner that he’s so cute that she’s gonna marry him.”
“Well,” his mom laughs, “at least she’s got good taste.”
They’re quiet, he listens. He hears his dad and Jay cheer after the sound of a bean bag landing and sliding into the hole.
“That’s not fair!” Maddy cries out loudly.
“Don’t worry,” he hears Josh say to her, “We’ll get’em.”
Josh is so wholesome so freaking wholesome and wonderful and perfect that Tyler wants to scream.
“Mom I like him so much it hurts.” He breathes quietly.
“I know you do. He's a catch, and a great one at that. You'd be stupid if you didn't reel him in. I didn't raise a stupid boy.”
“Its…it’s hard to tell…I'm not sure if he feels the same. He’s really distant, like, physically. We connect so well on every level. But I know he's holding something back.”
Mrs. Joseph is quiet for a moment, choosing her words carefully so she doesn’t give anything that Josh has confided in her away.
“Tyler, if you could see the way he looks at you, you'd have no doubt that he absolutely feels the same. Give him time. You two will figure it out.”
“I wish I could see that. I can't wait to really see him. I want him to be the first thing I see. Is…is that…mom is that okay? I love you, the whole family more than anything, but…but…”
“I think we’re all already on board with that.”
When the night winds down, after cleaning up the mess, it’s time to go. They bid their “see you laters" and “nice to meet yous". Maddy chases Josh across the lawn and Josh relents to himself and bends down to let himself receive the first hug he’s allowed anyone in a long time. It’s surprising, just how easy it feels to let her in because she’s so unabashed with her sweet loving innocence and completely without judgment. It disarms him and breaks his fear down a bit.
“My family loves you dude,” Tyler says on on their drive home.
“They're really, really great.”
“My sister thinks you're cute, she says she going to marry you now.”
“She’s sweet, little young for me unfortunately. I had no idea that she was blind though.”
Tyler scoffs, “She’s definitely not blind.”
“Does she have an alien fetish?”
“I'm not sure. I'll get back to you on that.”
The evening finds them plastered to the cushions on Josh’s couch complaining about being too full. Josh feels full in many ways other than his stomach. He feels too warm and fuzzy to even realize that Tyler has moved so close to him on the couch. It’s then that he’s filled with the want for the ease he had felt with Maddy. He’s tired, so tired, so happy and all he wants to do is pull Tyler against him and fall into a food coma while wrapped around him. He doesn’t act on his want.
“Josh?”
When Josh turns to answer Tyler suddenly leans in towards him and he jerks away very quickly. His ribs dig into the arm of the as he sits back.
"Wh-wh-what are you doing?"
“Trying to kiss you.”
“You shouldn't...you definitely don't want to do that.”
“Oh yes, I definitely I do.”
“Josh groans. Trust me, you don't. “
“Why wouldn't I?”
“I'm…I'm...if you could see me...you'd understand.”
Tyler raises his hands. “I could if you would let me.”
“I don’t...I don’t...” Josh hates the word no because Tyler has never done anything to him that deserves no. He hates the lies he’s fed himself those bull crap lines that run through his head that he doesn’t want to be touched by Tyler, that he shouldn’t let him. He’s so incredibly tired. But he can't bring himself to say yes. He can't bring himself to say anything at all.
“Why can't I? Please tell me, please trust me.”
Josh finally lets Tyler pierce his armor. He can almost hear it fall to the ground around his feet.
“I'm...Tyler I'm actually pretty awful looking. Years ago I was in a really bad car crash. It took my family, only I survived, but I got burned really badly. Mostly my right side. It missed a lot of my face but my right ear is missing, even some of my hair is missing. Each side of my body is mismatched and just...destroyed on one side. I kinda...people stare. I'm not, I'm not...attractive. If your eyes could actually see me you definitely wouldn't be trying to kiss me.”
Tyler listens calmly, hands folded in his lap. But inside he’s rattled, heart aches, he wants to cry for Josh. Kind, strong Josh. He still wants him, badly, wants to be allowed to prove to Josh that he’s wrong in his assumptions. But he realizes it's hard to tell someone you don't care what they look like when they speak and think so lowly of themselves. He has very little grounds to argue as he is blind.He wouldn't even fully comprehend if Josh described more details. He just wants so badly to touch Josh.
Josh watches Tyler's face for his reaction but gets none. “When you get that surgery you'll regret trying to make this decision. You won't want to see me anymore.”
“I-I…Josh I can’t even begin to imagine how absolutely horrible that was to face, but I can see how it could distort your ability to let people in. I am so sorry, you didn’t deserve to go through that, I don’t know if I’d still be standing. But how do you know that I don’t deserve a chance when you won’t even give me a chance to make a decision?”
“I just do.”
“Obviously not. I don’t know if you've noticed but I'm batshit crazy about you, and I don’t think I’m wrong in saying that you’re just afraid to let me in because you’ve spent so long pushing everyone away.” Tyler puts his folded hands between his thighs has his face begins to feel like its going to burn off. His nerves are being rattled by his oncoming confessions. “I can't get enough of hearing your voice or the way you smell. You have this…this heart of gold and I've never met someone who's like you. Every day since the first day I met you I wake up and I can’t wait to freaking see you. All I wanna do all day is be with you. I mean... do...do you even like me like that? Am I wrong? Am I...unattractive to you?”
Josh let's out a sigh, feels the armor that lies uselessly around his feet turn to ash and blow away.
“Of course I like you like that, you're not wrong. I feel the same as you do when I wake up. And You’re...you're really good looking. You’re beautiful.”
“Do you want to kiss me?”
Several tense seconds pass before “Yeah, I do.”
“Then let me in, Josh.”
Josh honestly can't speak to agree or disagree. It's hard to respond through the lump in his throat and the bare fear in his mind. Tyler reaches out again. Josh takes his wrists and gently holds them in place. It doesn’t feel like his own hands that grasp Tyler’s wrists, it’s the inability to deal just how vulnerable he’s let himself become controlling them.
“I don't...I don’t…I haven’t let anyone touch me in years Ty.”
“I'm not anyone. I'm Tyler. Have a little faith in me.”
For a moment, while the ashes around his feet finally disappear, Josh holds Tyler's wrists in place.
Slowly, carefully, Tyler stands and turns to and steps the small space forward until their knees touch.
“Please trust me.”
A second passes before Josh resigns. He’s tired of no. He allows himself an inch of trust, pushes it a mile and guides Tyler's hands to rest on his shoulders. He lets Tyler move in to climb onto and straddle his lap. Tyler doesn't move because he feels how incredibly tense Josh is. He patiently stays still for several moments, only letting his thumbs move back and forth on Josh’s shoulders. Josh balls his hands into fists and rests them on the couch cushion beside each of Tyler's knees. He holds his breath.
Tyler lightly shakes his shoulders. “Breathe. Its okay.”
Josh breathes, shakily, as Tyler's hands move to touch his cheeks.
Josh loves Tyler's 'I'm trying to understand what I'm touching' face. Loves the way he furrows his brows, narrows his eyes, chews on the inside of his lower lip. But he doesn't want Tyler to understand his face. Josh doesn't even want to understand his own face. Having Tyler's all seeing hands on him at all makes him want to cry. He wants to tell him to move, to go away. But he'd never really want that. He would be lost without Tyler. Which is why his mind runs in circles, loops over and over because he doesn’t want to lose Tyler, doesn’t want Tyler to touch him. But oh damn he really really wants to be touched by him. His facial scars aren't as bad, but scarred enough to turn his stomach, his bodily scars are worse and make him sick.
Tyler thumbs map out the spaces between his eyebrows and eyes, over the bridge of his nose. They run down his cheeks, slowing to run over his lips and stop at the corners of them.
“I can smell your breath from here.”
Josh almost laughs, he doesn't, but he can't stop a smile from forming.
“Is it bad?”
“No.” Tyler moves his the tips of his index and middle fingers along the outer corners of his eyes, tops of his cheeks, “I just wanted to say something so I could feel you smile.” And after that it becomes hard to not smile. “Your smile lines are so pretty.” Josh doesn't stop Tyler as his thumb finds its way between his lips to touch the fronts of his teeth. Tyler laughs, “They're so straight!" Now Josh laughs, Tyler lifts his thumb away from its intrusion. “I knew you'd have a beautiful smile.” His index fingers are still feeling the smile lines by Josh's eyes, thumbs feeling across his lips.
Josh unclinches his hands and brings them to rest on Tyler's thighs as an ounce of tension leaves his body. He lets Tyler continue to map out his face, trying not to cringe as his fingers finally find his mismatched jawline, touch his left ear and the space where his right one is supposed to be. Tyler's face shows no sign of distaste. Josh feels relief for a moment before Tyler's fingers move towards the back of his head where a good portion of the side down to the nape of his neck is patchy and bald from the scaring. Tyler’s fingers feel odd and tickle against the dulled nerves under the scar tissue. He combs his fingers through Josh's hair, catching in the tangles. He carefully untangles the locks. It pulls, but doesn't hurt.
Tyler smiles, “Your hair is curly.”
“Y-yeah.”
“What color is it?”
“Dark brown, almost black.”
Tyler scratches his scalp, it feels good and makes the lids of his eyes feel heavy.
“Describe the color to me.”
Josh’s thumbs move side to side on Tyler's thighs absently as he thinks. “So...so you've said you see nothing. I..I imagined nothing would be black. I don't know if you see it that way but, if I'm right, my hair color is just a little bit lighter than the nothing you see.”
Tyler's eyelids flutter, corners of his lips turn up with a soft smile. “I love when you do that.” He continues running his fingers through Josh's hair. Josh is melting into the couch at Tyler touch. He had never before felt anything that feels better. “Josh I don't think you look as bad as you think you do.”
“You haven’t seen the rest of my body.”
Tyler smirks. “Please tell me that’s my invitation.”
Josh scoffs, flushes deep red, “Only a blind guy would say that.”
“You’re the blind one dude. My hands have 20-20 vision.”
Despite himself, Josh laughs. Tyler leans in closer, hips scooting forward on his lap.
“Can I please kiss you now?”
Josh can't speak, he nods, because Tyler's hands are on his face. Now he really can see everything.
++++
More and more, Josh allows Tyler to feel his scars. Lets Tyler remove his shirt, his protective cloth skin. He cries quiet liberated tears when Tyler kisses his neck, the thick roping of scars on his chest. Down his side, all the way to his hip where they disappear under the fabric of his jeans.
“I hate that you can't see how beautiful you are.”
“I hate that it takes a blind man to see it.” Josh replies, voice thick.
“My hands are 20-20, remember? My lips are too,” Tyler says, running both hands down Josh's chest. “Why are you crying?”
“It hurts to let people see.”
He bends down "I can kiss it better," he whispers against his scarred skin. And slowly but surely, Josh begins to believe he can.
++++
It's night time, a month before Tyler's surgery. He feels fear creeping back into his chest. He has to forget, he has to get close to Tyler before Tyler sees what he's afraid he will see.
He leads Tyler to his room, into bed with him. It's dark in Josh's room, but can feel Tyler's skin against his own as they lie bare chests pressed, hands exploring. He can't remember, can't even think about his scars while Tyler touches them. All he can focus on is how much and how badly he wants Tyler and the way Tyler's hands draw him in instead of make him want to pull away.
Their kisses grow stronger, more urgent as they allow more of each other in. Desire, individual arousals, transfers back and forth until there's no line between them. Tyler's hands are hungry, Josh's hands are starving as the roam Tyler's side, back. He pushes his hand down the back of Tyler's shorts, squeezing, dragging Tyler's hips forward to press against his own, seeking friction. He can't get Tyler close enough to him.
Tyler rolls his hips forward, once twice, gasps into Josh's mouth at the feeling of Josh touching him and being so hard against him. Tyler pulls out of the kiss, breathing hard.
“Josh...I...I um. I wanna ask something but I don't know how to? It might sound like...weird or rude or something.”
He slides his hand out of Tyler’s shorts, brings it to rest on his hip. He feels Tyler’s sharp hip bone under his thumb and has trouble thinking. He sits up on his elbow. “I mean, just uh, give it a whirl. We'll see what happens.”
There's a long pause before Tyler finally blurts “Dude I wanna do it with you really really bad. Um like...did your um...is it still all...I mean I can feel that you're...but is is it-“
“Yes my dick survived.”
“Good cuz like...you should like...get in here and squeeze my butt some more.”
“Jesus Tyler!”
Josh thinks he's gonna die laughing. He rolls away onto his back. It gets worse when Tyler sits up, gets on his knees and bounces on the bed. He begins to sing, very loudly:
“Jishwa Dun! He'd have some fun if he'd squeeze all over Tyler's bum! If he does it right we'll do it all night till there's mornin ligh-oof”
Josh pulls him down and Tyler lands heavily on him, giggling. Josh is completely incapacitated as Tyler moves to straddle his hips.
“Do I have to rhyme some more or are you gonna touch my butt now?”
“I-l’ll definitely touch your butt some more if you don't sing about it.”
Tyler leans down and ends up kissing Josh's teeth because Josh can't quit laughing, which sets them both off.
“Whoops blind guy kissing fail.”
It takes a few minutes to find a rhythm because the keep bursting out laughing. But when they do, things finally get heavy and become a lot less funny. Tyler thinks he can see lights popping off behind his eyes when Josh is inside of him.
They lie there, tangled afterwards, Josh revels every bit of Tyler's skin on his. Thighs between thighs, Tyler’s toes running up and down his calf. It's liberating, in a way, to allow anyone so close to him, to touch and feel him so intimately. He's never loved anyone so much.
“Josh.”
“Mmhm?”
“I want you to be the first person I see.”
“I...I can't do that to your family.”
“They already know. They're all for it.”
“I'm scared Ty. I'm scared things will change.”
Tyler kisses him, soft and slow, warm and comforting “I'm not, because things won't.”
Josh kisses Tyler until he's too aroused to think about change, to think anything other than letting Tyler take him over, allowing him completely inside.
++++
The surgery goes smoothly, no apparent complications. Tyler is up and attem the next day. When Josh is finally allowed in the hospital room, he sits on the bed beside Tyler’s hips and holds his hand.
“How you feeling?”
“Like the backs of my eyeballs are trying to force their way through my brain.”
Josh leans in slowly, ghosts his lips over the thick padded bandage above each eye.
“You kissing them better?” He asks.
“Trying to.”
“Owww Jiiiishwa my lips hurt so so bad!”
Josh takes the hint.
A full week later in the hospital, the day finally comes for Tyler's bandages to be removed. Josh feels like he's gonna throw up, he’s gonna throw up, he’s gonna throw up everywhere but remains sitting quietly by Tyler's side on the hospital bed. Too quietly. Tyler can feel his nerves, his anxiety, his fear. He finds Josh's hand and pulls his fingers loose from their tight fisted clinch.
“Hey,” Tyler says, softly. He feels Joshs sweaty palm and rubs it dry on his own pants before sliding his fingers between Joshs clammy digits.
“You...um...you nervous?” Josh asks.
“Not as nervous as you are right now.”
Josh can't respond. He feels horrible for not being able to contain his fear while the man he loves is about to see the world for the first time. He should be happy, he is happy for Tyler. But what if Tyler sees him and...and...
As though Tyler reads his mind he says, “Josh, I'm not gonna leave you, ever.”
He squeezes Tyler's hand tightly.
The air is thick with excitement. Everyone is in the room, Tyler's parents, siblings, one doctor and one nurse, and one ball of anxiety that is Josh. He feels like his heart is going to explode, its racing, his sweat is ice cold.
Carefully, slowly, the doctor unwinds the bandage from around Tyler's head. Josh can already feel his feet moving, carrying him, away from the man he loves towards the opened doorway behind him. The doctor has set the white bandage aside, he gently removes one eye pad. Josh doesn't see the second one come off.
His fear carries him, backwards, straight through the doorway. He stands in the hall way, hyperventilating. Tears spill like rivers down his cheeks. He hears Tyler say his name once, then twice. His voice cracks the second time.
Seconds pass before Mrs. Joseph appears beside him. She gently touches his arm, rubs his back. He doesn’t move away from her touch. “It’s okay honey, breathe.” She steps in and Josh lets her gather him into an embrace, completely surrounding him with the warmth only a mother could contain. He holds on for dear life.
“I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm so scared.”
She lets him cry it out for a few minutes before pulling way gently. “Josh, look at me.” He lifts his head and she moves her hand and wipes his face. He doesn't flinch.
“You know, for having your full vision, you're even more blind than my son was. You don't see beyond your scars. Tyler does, and honestly I know that you know he sees you much more clearly than you've been able to see yourself. Yes, you are scarred and I don’t care one bit whether you believe me or not, you are one good looking boy. He's gonna lose his mind when he sees you.”
Josh smiles, tries hard to let himself believe her. He recognizes her tone, its familiar. Tyler clearly had inherited his sincerity from her.
“Now, you know how stubborn he is. You know he's going to sit there with his hands over his eyes and he'll stay that way until you're in front of him.”
Josh nods with a soft laugh. He’s no stranger to Tyler’s intense stubbornness.
“Be brave for him Josh. Let him see you. He loves you. We all do.”
Josh nods, and she takes his hand, “C'mon Jishwa Dun.” She uses Tyler's nick name and Josh can't help but smile as she leads him in.
Tyler is indeed covering his unbandaged eyes with his hands. He looks like he’s about to play peekaboo and it's adorable.
“Joooosh!” Tyler whines, “Get over here dang it!”
Josh still feels like he’s gonna vomit when he comes to stand in front of him.
“You ready?” Tyler asks.
“Yes,” Josh lies.
Tyler finally uncovers his eyes. They're bruised along the sockets, pale yellow and green surround them.
When he tries to open them they immediately snap shut again. “Ow crap,” he grins, “So okay that's light.”
Everyone laughs, and Josh smiles. The doctor moves to dim the lights further.
Tyler tries again, blinking over and over and squinting against the softer but still overwhelming light. They squint at the figure before him, as it slowly becomes less blurry.
For the first time, Tyler's eyes meet Josh's and he looks right into them. He smiles.
“Whoa. Hello. Holy crap,” his voice is thick with awe.
In a split second Tyler is on his feet, hands immediately reaching for and touching Josh’s face like he always used to. His eyes move rapidly as his hands help his mind comprehend and match up the touch with his new sight. Finally his hands stop to cup his cheeks.
“Hi Jishwa.” Josh smiles and tears spill out of both of their eyes. “I was right, you do have a beautiful smile.”
Josh steps in closer and pulls him in for a hug. There's not a dry eye in the room.
“Josh,” Tyler whispers theatrically loud, I really wanna kiss you but I think my family is staring at us.” Everyone laughs.
“Just kiss him you idiot!” Jay yells.
And he does, eyes still open but eyelids fluttering. It's short, but those seconds feel full of minutes of days of weeks of months of years.
As they pull away, a tiny voice says, very sadly, "He’s not gonna marry me now. He’s gonna marry Tyler."
Josh heart turns to mush at her hurt tone, and then Maddy is the second person Tyler lays eyes on, he motions her over. He picks his sister up. “I'm sorry, sis. I’m a bad bad husband stealer.” She smiles.
“I toldja he’s pretty.”
“You were right.”
“Now put me down, you have to hug Josh again. And then hug mommy and daddy because they’re crying.”
++++
When Tyler is finally allowed to go home, he finds himself completely unable to stop looking around at everything. His neck hurts from trying to catch every view that passes by him as they ride home. He sees the colors for the first time, what buildings actually look like, everything looks so different than he had ever imagined. He’s got his head out the passenger window bellowing at passersby “I CAN SEE YOU! I CAN SEE YOU AND YOU AND YOU! HI! HELLO!” Josh doesn’t stop him, he feels Tyler’s joy as his own, its cheesy and perfect and he spends the ride home half laughing and half crying.
But mostly Tyler can't stop looking at Josh. They step over the threshold of Josh’s apartment and Tyler is touching his face again as soon as the door clicks shut.
“My sister really is right… you're so hot.”
“Dude you don't even know what a hot person looks like yet.”
“I mean, I do now. You're freaking beautiful, man, like seriously. You should go to the eye doctor now, cuz you're the blind one. I can recommend you to my doctor, who is apparently amazing.”
Tyler starts tugging Josh forward as he sits down on the couch. He pulls in Josh to straddle his lap. They sit, roles reversed, just like they had months ago when he had Tyler touch him, see his face, for the first time. Now Tyler is looking right at him with 20-20 vision eyes, but he still uses his hands too. His ‘I'm trying to figure out what I'm touching’ face has turned into ‘I'm trying to figure out what I'm seeing’.
“You’re so beautiful it hurts, Josh.” Tyler tells him very seriously. “the amount you down play yourself is completely uncalled for.”
Josh wants to cry, but for completely different reasons than he’s ever had before. Tyler thinks he's beautiful. He believes Tyler.
Josh's initial fear tries to fight its way back in as Tyler begins to push his shirt up but he squashes the useless emotion and raises his arms to let Tyler take his shirt all the way off. Tyler's eyes scan and trail behind his hands as he feels and sees Josh’s skin, his worst scars. Tyler thinks the scars are pretty. Bright and shiny and contrast so beautifully against the perfect pale flesh of the other side. He's enthralled and thinks this must be like the art of the paintings Josh had described to him.
“Tell me the colors Josh,” He says as he presses his hand against the scars, one against the other side, the smooth skin.
“You tell me.”
Tyler concentrates, remembers Josh's descriptions. “You feel like pink but warmer almost like orange. Somewhere between. Maybe like…peach. Colors feel different when you can actually see them.”
“I'll teach you.”
“Okay.” He pulls Josh in, kisses him, pulls away.
“Josh.”
“Mmhm?”
“I love you,” He says against Josh's lips that smile.
“I love you too,” Josh replies and closes the gap again. Tyler pulls back again.
“Josh.”
“Yeah?”
“Can we go to the bedroom so you can touch my butt and so I can see myself touch your butt?”
Josh dissolves into laughter. He eventually responds, “As long as you don't make up a song about it.”
“No promises.”
That night, they lay there curled together with no space between. Doubts no longer exist in Josh's mind, and finality fills their world and their hearts.
“Are you happy Josh?” Tyler asks, breath warm against the scars on Josh's neck.
“Extremely.”
“I think we kissed it better.”
“But Tyler...My lips hurt so bad.”
This time, it's Tyler who takes the hint.
:D