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Arin closes his eyes. Why did I ever agree to this? He thinks, as the brush skates over his eyelid.
It presses a little too hard and he flinches, “Suzy!” He exclaims, opening his eyes and looking at his friend, who shrugs.
“Sorry! At least I didn’t stab you in the eye. I could have! I go through this everyday and sometimes it happens. I could’ve just blamed it on stress.”
Arin shuts his eyes tighter, hoping that would make them more impervious to possible stabbing.
“Arin, I can’t do your makeup when your eyes are shut that tight. Come on, you have to loosen up.” She pauses, and he can tell that she’s staring at him without even opening his eyes, “Please.”
He opens his eyes then and looks at her, really looks at her, and she’s beautiful and he realizes just then that he’s not just doing it for laughs. He wants to be as close to beauty like hers as he can get. And that’s when he loses it.
***
Arin Hanson. 17. Can kick your ass at any video game you please. Oh, and can shapeshift. That too. Arin sketches out himself, a cartoon that he’ll later decide isn’t good enough and hide under intensive redraws and detailed outlining. But at least for now, it’s as good as it’s gonna get. He blows the eraser shavings off the paper, looking up to make sure the teacher hasn’t noticed he’s not taking notes, and goes back to drawing.
He looks around the room and his eyes focus on Barry. Grinning, he begins a new panel, now a cartoon of Barry with a giant beard and one hand held out, pointing two fingers into a distance that the readers cannot see, while the other hand’s fingertips are clutching his forehead. Barry Kramer. 14. Unsurprisingly, can move objects. Surprisingly, can do it from long distances. He draws a TV remote flying across the panel directly towards another character’s head. He’s a bit taller than Barry and he looks terrified at the approaching remote and is holding his hands in front of him while yelling, “No, God, PLEASE NO!” Ross O’Donovan. 16. Doesn’t do shit. Ross is hit in the face in the next panel, looking defeated, while a tall guy laughs next to him. Daniel Avidan. 18. Will probably have sex with all of your friends then will break your entire china cabinet and your ears with one shriek. In the next panel there’s a short girl standing next to his character and they’re both laughing at what’s occurring. Lastly, Suzy Berhow. 14. Her hands are weapons, in more ways than one. In the next panel he draws, it shows Suzy holding her arms together, meeting towards the end as a functional nerf gun, that is currently being used to shoot Arin with foam bullets. Together they are: STUPID AS FUCK.
The lunch bell rings and Barry performs his usual ritual of taking a million years to get ready.
“Barry. Let’s go. Lunch. Food. You know, that bodily function that every human needs to live?”
Barry chuckles, “Arin, just go ahead. I’ll catch up.”
Ross appears in the doorway, “Is he taking forever again?”
“You tell me.” Arin says, nodding his head towards Barry who is still putting notebooks in his bookbag.
“Barryyyyyyyyyyy… Come on. Dan’s gonna be super lonely downstairs by himself.” Ross whines.
“What will Dan be doing where?” Dan says, as he appears in the doorway, tall and gangly.
Arin laughs at Ross’ slightly terrified expression before he notices that Barry’s already leaving the room and follows suit.
“I’m telling you, you have got to stop appearing random places. It freaks me out. Plus your gigantic limbs could be easily confused for a giant gorilla.”
“Or a squid.” Barry adds.
“Or my dick!” Arin says, cheerfully.
“Is Arin talking about genitalia again?” Suzy sidles in asking, reaching up and slinging her arm over Arin’s shoulder.
“Of course. What other subjects are there to talk about?”
“Do you even go to class, Arin?” Barry asks.
“Which one? History of Dick? Arithmetic of Arin’s Penis? Or my personal favorite; Vagina 101: The Arin Hanson Story?” Arin answers enthusiastically, leaving everyone laughing.
They reach the cafeteria and walk over to their usual table, right across from the stairs.
Ross goes off to grab lunch and Dan joins him, accidentally scaring him again, Ross yelling “DAN, WHAT THE FUCK?!”
Dan’s laughter fills the cafeteria in response.
“So, what’s been going on, Bar? Continuing to be a lady killer?” Suzy asks, grinning.
Barry laughs. “Well, I think Ms. Kerman certainly likes me, although I’m not sure I feel the same way.”
“She’s been eyeing him all week. I bet in her head she’s like, ‘Yesss. Hand me that report in a month late. Mmm, Barry.’” Arin answers.
“That is not my fault and you know it.”
“Yeah, yeah, like she’s gonna believe that anyway. She probably goes home and thinks, ‘Time to try to poison Barry Kramer, again. Maybe this time he’ll eat the candy bar I give him.’”
“That is pretty weird, Barry. I haven’t gotten candy from a teacher since seventh grade.” Suzy says to him.
“It’s not my fault I’m the class darling.”
“Woah, you might have to take that up with Darryl.”
“Why would I have to take it up with Darryl? As a matter of fact, who’s Darryl?” Barry asks.
Arin completely ignores Barry’s second question in favor of the punchline, finishing it off, “‘Cause he’s used to be the only one in the class who’s darryling.”
Suzy starts giggling immediately and goes, “Ohh, I see what you did there.”
Arin starts laughing simply because Barry looks confused and very upset.
Dan and Ross choose that exact moment to return, Dan asking, “Who stole Barry’s candy?”
“This asshole over here thinks he’s punny.” Barry says, pointing his thumb over his shoulder at Arin who is now leaning on Suzy’s shoulder, giggling.
Danny sits down and immediately begins to stuff his face.
“That’s not bad, considering Dan tickled me just as I got my food so now, I have spaghetti all over my front.” Ross says, waving his arms all around, laughing a little.
“You know I love you, buddy.” Dan giggles out from in between bites of spaghetti.
“Ross, you’re wearing a red shirt. It looks fine.” Suzy says to him soothingly, rubbing his shoulder.
“If you accuse Danny of something like that again, I’m calling the embassy and deporting you to the land from whence you came.” Barry teases him, grinning.
“Don’t do that! From what I’ve heard in this guy’s dream state, there are no cute boys down under.” Dan answers, knowingly, while giggling and gets a swat at his arm in return.
“You can’t deny there are some hot guys here, okay?” Ross says, desperate to get someone to agree with him.
Danny is the first one to speak, “Well, yeah, but that doesn’t mean we go around saying things like ‘No, Mr. Kangaroo, if I come back I’ll never know if Tommy from English likes my butt!’ Don’t mean to be a jerk, bud, but come on, you have to get your sleep talking under control.”
Everyone laughs and Ross turns a little red, laughing a bit, “I swear to God, I never said Mr. Kangaroo. I call him Sir Kangaroo, only. It’s more respectful.”
***
“Alright, time for the game.” Nate says, grabbing the remote from the table where it lays unused by Arin, who is currently clutching a SNES controller and playing MegaMan X.
“By game you better mean MegaMan X.” Arin says, pausing to look at his brother angrily.
“Nope.” Nate says, a shit-eating grin on his face as the TV changes from the pause screen to a bunch of college kids sweating and throwing a basketball around.
“You motherfucker! You’re on break, you could’ve done this all day!”
Nate cranes his neck to look past Arin to the TV. “It wasn’t on all day, man. Now, move.”
“Nate, come on!”
“They don’t have any games on TV at flight
school.”
Arin gives Nate an angry look, “Yes, they do! I’ve visited your school before, remember!”
“Arin, move!”
“No, I’m standing here in peaceful protest! I know my rights as an American!”
“Arin!”
Arin tackles Nate, confident about his use of the element of surprise, only to quickly find it all going downhill for him. Soon Arin is being pinned to the floor, stomach down, his arms held behind his back by Nate’s knees.
“Thanks, bro, I really needed a workout.”
“I’m glad I could’ve been of assistance to your exercise regiment. Ow.”
Nate climbs off of Arin as he winces in pain, shaking his hands to either wake them up or make sure they’re still there.
“You’re such a girl.” Nate says, brushing his pants off.
“I’m more of a girl than any girl you’ll ever date.”
Nate laughs and pats Arin heartily on the back before plopping back onto the couch and turning the TV volume up, lounging with a huge grin.
How does he do that? Arin thinks, rubbing the back of his neck, and definitely, definitely not thinking about what he said about being a girl.
***
Arin can’t stop thinking about the word girl. The issue is that he doesn’t know why. Seventeen years and only now he’s thinking about it. He likes girls, he knows that. His mom’s a girl, at least she once was, maybe she prefers the word woman now, instead. Suzy’s a girl, but that was different. Suzy being a girl didn’t make her any different, Suzy was always just Suzy. He didn’t like her cause she was a girl, he liked her because she was Suzy. Er, not like-like, just like. I like her. As a friend. Yeah.
But, being called a girl was different. He’d been called it before, freshman year, when gay was the only name Arin had had in school and girl was something Arin couldn’t be, because that meant something else to them, something that wasn’t Suzy or the girls he liked or even his mom. It meant that he was a goddamn easy target. And Arin couldn’t have that for a second longer.
But, calling himself a girl felt different. It felt like something far too serious, far too much for Arin, too much for him to handle.
It almost felt right. And Arin Hanson could not feel that, not right now, not goddamn ever.
He falls asleep at 3 AM, thinking, Wrong.
***
Arin wakes up at 1 PM and says, groggily, “Thank god it’s Saturday.” He takes the steps two at a time, excited to eat his Cocoa Puffs and watch cartoons like he’s not a 17 year old. And sitting right on his cereal box is a note written on bright yellow paper.
Arin!-
Me, your dad, and Nate will be going out to shop for his new school supplies. We guessed that you wouldn’t want to come, sorry if you did, you’ll have to miss out on the excitement of that new notebook smell. We’ll be back at 5. There’s leftovers in the fridge if you wake up before then. Do some homework!
-Love, Mom
Arin grins. A house to himself, just what he needs. He scraps his original idea and takes his Cocoa Puffs to the dining room, grabbing his art folder on his way from where it’s sitting right next to his backpack and sticking it under his arm, precariously holding all of the makings of his breakfast in his arms. He slings them onto the table, glad that nothing broke, and runs back to the kitchen to grab himself a glass of orange juice. Arin chugs it all in one long sip and then puts the glass in the sink, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. He walks back to the dining room table, filled with a renewed vigor that only orange juice first thing in the morning can bring.
Sitting down, he grabs the pencil from the folder pocket and pulls out his comic smoothing the corners, making sure it isn’t wrinkled. As he begins on a sketch of himself and Suzy in the midst of battle, he thinks again of last night. Girl. There it is again, clouding the back of his head, a word that didn’t mean so much until yesterday. And it becomes a pattern.
Sketch, sketch.
I’m not a girl.
Outline, outline.
I’ll never be a girl.
Color, color.
Not a girl, not ever a girl.
It gets to the point that Arin can’t even handle the thought, slapping himself on the side of the head at one point, as if it would just fall out of his right ear, like ocean water. No, no, no. I can’t do this, I can’t do this. He gets up, beginning the trek to the bathroom, the best bathroom, his parents’. What better way is there to clear your head than to splash water on your face? It’s probably scientifically proven. He gets to the bathroom, the largest one in the house, high ceilings, marble covering every goddamn surface, god forbid one of them slips. Hopefully bath mats will litter the floor soon, but his mother’s protective covering instincts seemed to have come to a stop ever since Arin turned 7.
He steps directly in front of the large mirror and there, on his left, is his mother’s array of lipstick. No, no, no, no. He shakes his head and leans down, turning the faucet on and splashing the freezing water onto his face, as close as his life gets to a Clearasil commercial. Arin reaches over to where the hand towel sits, right next to the lipstick tubes. He grabs the towel, scrubbing his face, hoping this feeling of curiosity ebbs. It doesn’t.
He can’t stand it anymore, and slowly, carefully, as if it’ll reach out and bite him, he grabs the closest tube. Fight Me Red, the tube reads, and he wonders why his mother even bothers with shit like this. He pulls the cap off. The trouble is how to make the lipstick come up from it’s tiny hidey hole. There doesn’t seem to be a button to press and shaking does nothing. He’s gonna give up, but as he puts the cap back on, it twists. He looks down to see the red peeking over the edge of the case and knows he has to. He twists until it’s all the way out and then looks at himself in the mirror, avoiding his own eyes in favor of staring at his mouth. He smears the lipstick on as quickly as is humanly possible. And then he looks up at the finished product.
Arin Hanson looks beautiful. He wishes he didn’t feel like he had inched closer to the God he had never felt connected to, but he does. Arin feels good, feels right.
And he’s done. No way he can feel like this, no way boys are supposed to feel closer to religious enlightenment because of lipstick, no way. He grabs the towel again, rubbing at his mouth over and over till he’s sure it’s gone. He twists the lipstick roughly shut, shoves the cap on, guesses where it was on the display, and bolts.
No, no, no, no, no. Why did I do that, why did I ever do that?
***
It’s dark. The lights come up, Arin frantic with confusion as they do. And now it materializes- the hallways of his high school. And there they are- his worst nightmare. Arin knows he could just walk away, he’s always known but it’s too late now, they’re all around him.
“Oh, so you like lipstick, huh, Hanson? Always knew you were a faggot.” Kenny says, like it’s a well-known fact.
“Queerer than a Broadway musical.” One of his cronies says.
Kenny grabs the collar of his shirt, and he’s not even surprised, because this happens everyday, “Next time you wear lipstick, faggot, I’ll be there to beat the gay out of you. Not having any fucking queens in my hallways.”
Arin turns to walk away, like he’s always told himself to, but there they are- his family. His mom looks into her purse and pulls out her lipstick, “You want some, hon? I heard that fuck-ups like you like it a little too much.”
They’re all around him now, the people he thought were his friends, whispers of words that he doesn’t want to hear, doesn’t ever want to hear about him again.
He backs up until he’s tripped and fallen, and his head hits the hallway floors and-
Arin wakes up in a pool of sweat. He doesn’t stop crying for another three hours.
***
February comes along with the kind of February only Florida can get- mild humidity mixed with this stale taste on your tongue, as if every breath you take is another bite of, “...like, the worst piece of raw salmon you’ve ever eaten,” as Ross said, quite eloquently. How Ross knew what raw salmon tastes like, and how many times he had tasted this raw salmon to make a judgement of “worst piece of raw salmon,” no one could figure out. Arin sits at his desk in his room and he’s fairly certain hitting his head against the desk is a better use of his time, because he’s just been spending the last half an hour staring angrily at his comic story board.
Great idea, Past Arin. You really helped me out of a jam here. What better way to forget my problems with being called a girl than to literally draw a version of myself acting like and being called a girl! I’m just fucking great. Arin’s storyboard details that his character, as the shapeshifter, must now shift into a form that this narrow minded and very heterosexual male will find appealing. And of course, that obstacle was easily gotten past a month ago before this all started. Now, he’s left with a storyline that can’t function without it. Fuuuuuuuck.
***
“...So.” Suzy singsongs, playfully rocking against Arin’s side, “Valentine’s day is tomorrow.”
“Yeah?” Arin says, grinning unashamedly and hoping she’s saying what he thinks she’s saying.
“So, I was thinking… Well, you know…”
Arin’s heart is fluttering in his chest, “What is it, Suzy? I’m all ears.”
“Dan’s always alone, and y’know, I think we should set him up as a Valentine’s present.”
Arin’s heart drops back to it’s normal pace and Arin finds himself with this awful disappointment sitting at the bottom of his stomach. Still, a good idea was a good idea. “Yeah, Suzy. That’s a great idea!”
“So you’re in?” Suzy says excitedly.
“I’m all in.”
Suzy squeals and hugs him, “Perfect! I was thinking we could set him up with Taylor, y’know the one from your graphic design class? She’s pretty cute and funny, and how can we go wrong with that? Plus, I keep catching him talking about her. Oh, this is gonna be so much fun!”
Arin grins at her enthusiasm and they get down to planning the perfect Valentine’s Day date, one which neither of them are planning to participate in.
***
“Brian’s Pizza Parlor. February 14th. 1600 hours. Handsome to Bermuda. Are you there Bermuda? Over.”
“I’m here, Handsome. How’s the view from where you’re sitting? Over.”
“Very similar from where you’re sitting, I’m guessing, Bermuda. Over.”
“How would you know, Handsome? Over.”
“Turn 90 degrees to your left. Over.”
“Oh. Roger that.” Suzy giggles, turning to where Arin is seated on the bench next to her, grinning down at her with walkie talkie in hand.
“Why did you even bring walkie talkies?”
“I dunno. It’s kind of a spy mission, so I figured we needed at least one kind of spy equipment.” Suzy grins so genuinely that Arin just has to nod and grin back.
“Has Danny gotten here, yet?”
“Not as far as I’ve seen. But the date doesn’t start for another 3 minutes.”
“Ooh, ooh!” Suzy says, pointing to the door, “There’s Taylor! And there’s Dan! Aw, he’s holding the door open for her. What a gentleman! I hope when they leave, she opens the door for him.”
Dan leads Taylor to their table, pulling out her chair for her, bowing. She curtsies, giggling, and sits down. Suzy and Arin can hear Dan’s laugh from across the room and the two of them turn to each other and grin.
“Do you guys wanna order anything?”
“Oh, yeah!” Suzy says, opening the menu, “Hmm, Arin, you just want a cheese?”
“Yeah, how did you know?”
“I’m a mind reader.”
“Is that it, folks?” The waiter says, taking the menu under their arm.
“Yeah, thanks!” Suzy says.
“How long have you two been together, if you don’t mind me asking?”
“Oh, we’re not-” Arin starts.
“We’re not really-” says Suzy, jumping in.
“Oh, sorry. I’ll be right back with your pizza.” The waiter nods and leaves.
After all the pizza has been demolished, by both tables, Dan gets up and grins at Taylor who grins back.
“It’s gonna happen, oh man, it’s gonna happen.”
“The kiss of the day. Ooh. Ooh!” Arin says, clenching his fists tightly and staring at the two of them.
And just when the two of them would lean in, Dan sticks out his hand and she warmly shakes his, grinning. Then, Taylor and Dan leave, Taylor fulfilling Suzy’s wish by opening the door for Danny, and go their separate ways.
“What… the fuck... just happened?” Arin drawls out, stunned.
“What did we do wrong?”
***
It’s Friday afternoon, the day after Valentine’s day, and Arin’s sitting at his desk with his art folder, thinking about Suzy aimlessly. Her laugh is playing over and over and over in his head, and her smile is being projected onto the back of his eyelids. He knows what to draw.
He started with the outline of her face, a heart shape almost, more oval than anything. He draws details almost lovingly. Then come the eyes, eyeliner sharp enough to kill a man as Ross so often states, long lashes. Down to her nose, button. The smile is beautiful, radiant. She is water and his throat is parched. He realizes this, then. Realizes that he likes her like that, realizes that she is everything he could ever need. It suddenly feels like she is his whole world.
He sketches her body, and when he gets to her hands he takes out his thin colored pens and fills in her nails with a dark red. And then, he does something he’s always wanted to do- he goes to paint his nails, wanting to match the Suzy in the drawing.
Guys paint their nails all the time, he thinks, It doesn’t mean anything.
He grabs a container of nail polish from his mother’s bedside table and thanks all of the forces of the universe that he didn’t fuck up his right hand’s nails too much. He finishes painting his left hand’s nails and grins. He definitely won’t regret this. Not ever.
***
Arin walks in and the first person he sees is Suzy, waving wildly to him, grin on her face. He walks briskly towards her, Suzy meeting him halfway.
“Hiya, Arin!”
“Hey.” Arin says back.
There’s a pause, both of them smiling and look straight into the other one’s eyes before Suzy says it, after glancing down.
“Arin! You painted your nails!”
Suddenly, Arin’s grin fades and he looks down at his hands, “Yeah, I- I thought-”
“It looks great.”
And Arin’s grinning again, so glad. The bell rings, and Suzy grabs his hand, squeezing it in hers, “We should match colors sometime. Then we can be twins!”
“Wow, like you and your literal twin?”
“Even better!”
And Arin can’t think of anything but, I’d like that. I’d like to look as beautiful as you.
***
Arin’s wearing makeup, and she feels more confident than she’s ever felt in her life. She feels so right, so perfectly in place. She looks at her hands and they’re the same old, same old, big and a little rough around the edges, working hands.
“You look so beautiful.” Everyone’s around her, clasping her hands, speaking to her.
“We’re so proud of you.” She hears in her father’s voice, and she can feel a pat on her back.
The crowd parts and there’s Suzy, and she gasps, small and in awe. She can feel Suzy’s hand grazing her cheek. Suzy looks at Arin, really looks at her and whispers, “Gorgeous.” And suddenly, Suzy’s kissing her, Suzy’s kissing Arin and she feels like she’s floating.
Arin’s eyes open slowly, daylight streaming through the window. What the fuck.
***
“Okay. So, what’s the game plan? It starts off with a walk in the park, then a picnic, then…?”, Suzy asks, looking to Arin for help.
Arin thinks for a moment. “Oh! One of those carousel rides, you know, they’d go on horses next to each other. It’ll be a little romantic and a little weird ‘cause they’re gonna be next to two sobbing five year olds, but overall it’ll score some points.”
“Nice. Okay, then grab a couple of funnel cakes from the weird vendors and watch the sunset. Katie and Danny will do a little bit of smooching, and then they’ll hold hands and walk back to Katie’s apartment. He’ll kiss her goodnight and then-”
“And then he’ll stick it in her.”
Suzy laughs, shaking her head, “It’s their first date, be realistic!”
“Come on! Dan’s charming and handsome, I’d go for it on the first date. Plus, he’s always saying how hot she is.”
Suzy considers it, nodding emphatically before giggling again, “It’s not gonna happen, Arin.”
Arin huffs out a sigh, leaning over in fake disappointment, “Just want to keep the options open.”
***
Arin pulls his comic out, and stares at the blank box that would hold his character’s shift to a thin body, breasts very visible, blonde hair flowing down. He breathes in deeply. I have to do this, I have to.
He pulls out his pencil and begins his first sketch, building the curves of the character’s body, hair spilling down the back. There she is in all her glory, Arin Hanson, shapeshifter and video game genius, he writes in the box above the panel and pulls out his pen to trace the lines of the sketch, following her build. He pulls out the red pen and fills in her lips, then moving to her fingernails, painting them a dark red, same as his own. ‘What’s your name, little lady?’ the security guard’s speech bubble reads. ‘Your worst nightmare.’ Arin writes next to her, the next panel showing her kicking the guard in the face. She turns back to her team, all of them in awe. ‘Get your asses over here. Let’s go kick some alien butt.’ his character says, radiant and bright, twirling the guard's key chain around her finger.
Wow, Arin thinks, I’m beautiful. And that sucks all the fun out of it. No, no, no, I did not just think that, nope. Arin takes his comic and puts it right back in the folder, hoping desperately that that’s where it’ll stay for a long while.
***
Friday rolls around once again and Danny and Suzy insist on coming over and watching Sailor Moon on Arin’s TV, stating that it’s the biggest, and therefore the best (Dan almost started to say something about his dick, before Ross covered his ears yelling, “I DON’T WANNA HEAR IT!” repeatedly.)
“Also, your brother’s back at school, so that’ll stop him from checking out my ass, and I now am willing to go to your house again.” Dan says, grinning and giggling, as the three of them walk over to Arin’s house, which sits only a couple of blocks from school.
Arin smiles back, as Suzy chuckles out, “We all know he’s checking out Ross’ ass, but nice job covering for him.”
“Usually that’s his pants’ job, but I thought I’d just take one day and give those poor slacks a break.”
“I don’t think Katie’d like that much.” Arin says, grinning.
“Ah, well, she shouldn’t really give a shit since I’m not planning on calling on her dating company again.”
“Aw, Dan, what happened now?” Suzy says, as Arin unlocks his front door, bowing and holding it open for her and Danny.
“Ehh, I don’t know. Commitment makes my hands all itchy, y’know. Hey, Arin, is it cool if I eat all of the food in your kitchen?” Dan says, sidling across the room and pushing through to the kitchen without an answer.
“Yeah, just as long as you leave the baby carrots. My mom said she wants to keep those for ‘house guests’ aka her mom and my cousin Gordon who always preaches,” Arin says, putting on a nasally voice, “‘Plants aren’t conscious, so why should we protect them? These animals have human pulses. No, don’t eat that! It’s basically cannibalism.’ I don’t think he knows what cannibalism is.”
“Did you say something about baby carrots? Those are up for grabs, right?” Arin’s about to say something when Dan’s face pops out of the doorway, “I’m joking, bud, chill.”
Arin grins, and pulls Suzy by the hand to the living room, turning on the TV and popping the DVD in.
“Seriously, dude, what happened with you and Katie?” Arin asks to the closed door.
It swings open, Dan pushing it forward with his back, hands full of a couple of bags of chips and a bag of frozen peas. He rips the bag open, shoving a handful of peas into his mouth, chewing and swallowing before answering, “I mean, have you ever thought that maybe it’s just not my kind of thing?”
Arin’s eyes widen slowly and he even hears Suzy gasp a little. He turns to her, grins, and mouths the word, “GAY.” to her, before pressing play.
***
The image slowly fades in. They’re at their house, and there are all of their friends, smiling at them.
“Arin, you are so strong. I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say that we love you and support you. You are so valid, your identity is so valid.” Barry says, holding their right hand, Ross holding their left.
“We love you Arin, we really do.” Suzy says, smiling at them.
“Yeah, bud. Ditto.” Dan says, grinning.
Then there are their parents, hugging them, and saying, “We support you in everything you do, and everything you feel like you are. We will always love you.”
He opens his eyes slowly, not sure where he is until he sees the darkness of his room clouding his vision. He looks down at his hands, and the eery early morning light shows his nails painted a dark red and suddenly, he can’t do it, he can’t do any of it. He shoves his left hand's knuckles into his mouth, biting them slightly because he doesn’t want to look at those nails, doesn’t want to think about it. Yet every time he looks down at his right hand, there they are again. No, no, no, no, no. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. He shoves his palms against his face, pushing them down against his eyelids, but goddamn he knows it’s not enough.
He stands up, and shakes his arms, pacing in his room, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, don’t think about it, don’t think about it.
No, no, no. I can’t do this, I can’t do any of this, no, no, no, no. He goes to his parents’ bathroom, so glad it opens to the hall and locks the door, grabbing the nail polish remover. He pours too much on a cotton ball and begins to rub his nails, harder and harder until he doesn’t care that the nail polish is gone, he just wants to rub so he knows he’s still there. And then the right hand, his left hand unsteady and not as efficient but alright, it gets the job done, and god, he’s shaking so much he can’t rub his fingernails and he can’t have that, so instead he shuts his eyes and focuses on rubbing, still crying, dry sobs almost, more gasping than crying now. He cries until the cold marble almost burns him, his fingers aching, his hands sore. He walks to bed exhausted and wishes desperately that he was gone, blown away in the wind, because then he wouldn’t have to deal with this, this thing he just can’t handle at all.
***
Saturday morning comes around and Arin’s awoken at 9 AM by a plate breaking and his mom shouting, “FUCK!” at the top of her voice. To her credit she immediately yells, “Oops!”
“Why?” Arin whines, shutting his eyes and trying desperately to go back to sleep, to no avail. His eyes feel crusted over and he squeezes them shut hoping it’ll make it better, but it doesn’t, so he simply shakes his head and opens them, staring up at his ceiling. He doesn’t feel sad, not exactly, he just feels exhausted. Arin swings his legs over the edge of the bed, hoping to crawl down the stairs to breakfast, but instead he just sits there, tired, staring into space. Eloquent thoughts are hard to come by with 5 hours of sleep. Arin stirs finally, pulling himself up and walking straight to his desk. Just because he can’t face the world quite yet doesn’t mean he can’t face a blank page, at least not while his weapon of choice is a pencil and intense waves of confusion along with pinpoints of self hatred are his only thoughts. He’s trying to sketch something else he swears, but suddenly staring up at him from the page is a drawing of him lifting a barbell, not even a single sign of strain crossing his face, bulging muscles from every inch of him. Something about the drawing makes him feel strange, so he stops, flipping the page just to get it out of his sight. He begins drawing on the back, and the doodle becomes him, wrench in hand, car behind him, all greasy in a white undershirt. And then there comes him as a football player, a construction worker, and then finally as a boxer.
Something about it fills him with a strange sense of floating and distance and the first thing that he does is draw the shapeshifted version of himself lifting a barbell. Then comes the car repairwoman, the football player, the construction worker, the boxer. And then, from nowhere comes her dressed in his pajamas. He looks over to the corner of his desk, where his comic peeks out from under a textbook. He can see his character’s outline in the corner, this grin of self-confidence on her face, and seeing it makes him feel content again. He pulls out the comic and begins coloring her.
Minutes pass, Arin coloring in her skin, her mouth, the outfit she’s wearing, the outfit that’s hanging in his closet, and just then, Arin’s okay with being herself. Just then, she’s okay with letting her guard down.
***
Sunday comes around, along with Suzy, who brings a basic blueprint of all her future Dan date plans. With this newfound gay Danny information, they need to rethink every part of the dates they had planned. They scratch almost all of their ideas out, except for the video game and movie watching related ones and begin working out all the details.
“Shouldn’t we be working on this graphic design project?”
“Arin, what’s more important to you, Danny’s love life or your precious ‘getting into a good college’?”
“...Is there a third option? Doing well in my favorite class so Mr. Grant won’t hate me?”
“Wrong answer.” Suzy says, grinning, “Now get your ass over here and let’s plan this thing.”
“Fine.” Arin says, trodding over and plopping himself down on the couch next to her.
“Okay, so, Dan’s birthday party is next Saturday. So how about the Friday before?”
“Let’s forget about the details for a second and think about who is going to go out with Danny.”
“Ross’ pan, right? I don’t know, couldn’t he just do it?”
“Well, yeah, but it’d probably take some convincing. Dan’s seen a little too much of Ross, what with him living at his house and all.”
“Well, Dan practically lives at Barry’s apartment, so maybe he’ll be less sick of Ross than you think.”
“Alright. So, Ross and Danny go to…”
“Movies are the safest bet, I think. Dan keeps rattling on about the new Marvel movie so maybe we should send them there. Plus, I haven’t seen it yet so we can stalk and catch up on some good old heroes. I have a good feeling about this, Suze.”
“Sounds good! Hey, dude, you know how Dan’s party’s gonna be a costume party?”
“Yeah?”
“Well, you got an idea for a costume?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Mine is better as a duo costume, so…”
“What?” Arin asks, cocking his head.
“If the date ends up failing, you have to come with me in costume. If it goes well, I’ll go with you. Sound fair?”
Arin thinks for a moment, “Let’s shake on it.”
They proceed to do just that.
“You’re so on, Suzy, Ross is totally gonna dazzle Dan.”
***
“No, NO, I am not going out with Daniel Avidan, no, no, no, no.”
Ross is shaking his head and pacing, crossing his arms defensively, next to a row of desks. They’re in Ms. Baker’s room, empty and right next to the cafeteria, and that was where Arin and Suzy had planned to tell Ross. They had thought it would go over better than this.
“But, Ross-” Arin starts before he is cut off by Ross.
“Have you even seen the way Dan’s relationships go? I mean, number one, straight down the drain, and number two, mostly in the female category, so, there’s one problem-”
“I mean, he seemed pretty into guys when he talked to me, so I dunno, man-”
“ -And besides, you haven’t had to see him walk around in his briefs on Saturday morning when he thinks no one’s looking, because he always forgets that I live there-”
“And he just needs to find the right person, and you guys are pretty close-” Suzy tries to reason.
“ -Also, he’s like two years older than me, and also way too tall for me anyway, and also have you seen how nerdy his glasses are, like what the fuck-”
“ -Well, I mean it’s pretty cute, and also I feel like everyone in the group has seen him in his briefs on Saturday, including Suzy, that one time she slept over because his parents forgot she was a girl and were too polite to kick her out-”
“ -And yet again, Dan’s probably not even into guys so-”
“Actually, Ross, I know for a fact he is.” Barry says, calmly, as he just walks into the empty classroom that Arin and Suzy had been using to corner Ross, while eating an apple.
“What?” Ross asks, staring at Barry as he sits on the nearest desk, still chewing his apple.
“Hey, I literally have a bed reserved for just Dan, you think I don’t know whether he likes guys? You think I, the gay one of the group, doesn’t know if he is into that fine dude?”
“Why do you know and I don’t? I’m his best friend.” Arin says, indignantly.
“Yeah, and I have three things going for me in this. One, fellow Jew. Us Jews need to stick together. Two, my own apartment, so he can smoke weed in it whenever he wants to, which is all he ever wants to do. Three, I’m the gay one of the group, so my gaydar is pretty much completely on point.”
“I’m pan and mine still sucks.” Ross says.
“Yeah, well, that’s mainly because you suck.” Arin chuckles a little as he says that, egged on by Ross’ laugh.
“Why wouldn’t I look into whether any of my buds are of a similar same sex persuasion? Turns out all of them are, by some fine miracle so-”
Arin’s jaw drops, “Wait, what about me? Who told you?”
Barry smiles, “It was all purely conjecture until you said that, so now I really know for sure.”
Ross cackles and claps, Suzy giggling a bit, Arin shaking his head and chuckling. “So, what were his actual words?”
Barry smiled, “I said, ‘You ever think about guys?’ and he went, ‘Everyone’s on a spectrum, dude, and I’m pretty in the middle.’ I’d say that’s pretty close to saying, ‘I like dudes.’”
“So, Ross, that means one of your points is gone! Come on, give it a shot?” Suzy said, turning to Ross.
“Nope! I am not going out with Dan, never, ever, ever, nope!”
Barry shrugs, “Ross, you’ve literally liked Dan for all of the past year. Just do it, dude, what’s the worst that can happen?”
“Barry! You said you weren’t gonna tell anyone about that!”
“Also, I’m pretty sure there is no point at which Dan will stop being your friend, I mean come on. Just go for it.”
Ross looks at Barry, then at the ground, grinning, “Fine.” Arin and Suzy immediately start cheering and high fiving, “But you guys owe me big!”
Arin and Suzy grin at Barry and then at Ross, “Thanks, dude. You’re doing us a huge favor.”
“Hell yeah, I am. If this blows up in my face then Sir Kangaroo will be all over school.” Ross grins.
“Come on, Ross, it won’t be that bad! Have you seen that hunky guy when he’s snarfing down Cheetos? Everyone’s dream man.” Barry says.
Everyone laughs, especially Ross, who had just opened a bag of said chips.
***
Ding dong. Arin races down the stairs, holding his hand up to his mom who is walking slowly towards the door as if to say It’s my time to shine, mom, so fuck off. He opens the door, grinning.
“Hey, dude, can we come in?” Danny giggles as he steps past Arin into the house, Barry following.
“Why isn’t Ross coming, again?” Barry asks, staring around the house, peeking around corners as if he hadn’t been here a million times since he was five.
“He said he was busy with some project, and as per usual he’s gonna freak out about it a bunch, plan out every detail, meticulously do half of it, stop, and then half-ass the rest.”
“I bet Ms. Klein loves him.” Barry says, grinning at Dan’s giggle.
“Eh, it’s not a huge loss, that guy needs some time to get on my parents’ good side. He needs my dad’s blessing for our green card marriage.” Dan laughs at the way Arin and Barry react, both immediately bursting into laughter.
“The thing is,” Barry says between laughs, “the way he treats your dad, I’d thought as much.”
*
The three of them play Smash a couple of times (if a couple means 100, then it’s fairly accurate, maybe even a little bit of an understatement), and by the time the two cheese pizzas are demolished, it’s 2 AM and Danny’s just on the edge of sleep on Arin’s couch. Barry’s lying on the floor next to Arin, staring up at the glow in the dark stars that Nate stuck up there on the ceiling when he was 7 through some creative chair placement.
“Hey, guys, have you ever- I dunno, thought about gender?” Arin says, hesitantly, softly enough so that he can later deny it if he needs to, but loud enough so he knows that they can hear him.
“In what sense?” Barry asks, his voice a bit hazy but strong.
“Like, what being a guy means or if-” Arin hesitates, but he already knows he has to finish the sentence, “Like, if you even are one.”
“Yeah, dude.” Dan says, his voice drifting over from the couch, soft and sleepy, just on the brink of falling asleep, “Everyone thinks about it. No need to worry, Arin.”
Arin always liked the way Dan says his name, a bit of his Jersey accent creeping in, from the place that Dan grew up in before coming here. He likes it even more right at this moment, Dan telling him that he’s okay. A sigh fills the room, Dan letting out air, and after a couple of moments, Barry speaks.
“He’s down for the count, now.” Barry chuckles softly, then shakes his head a little, before sitting up against the couch. There are a couple more minutes of silence, filled only with the soft inhaling and exhaling of Danny. “Hey, Arin?”
Arin can already tell that Barry’s prepared to say something big, something full of early morning existentialism. “Yeah, Bar?”
“You wanna hear my answer?”
Arin nods, waiting for whatever’s coming to just spill forth.
“I mean, you kinda know part of this story, but I don’t know, I figure you should know all of it.” Barry hesitates for a moment, before relaxing himself against the couch and looking back up to the ceiling, “When I turned 12, I knew that I was gay and I knew what gay was, and I knew that I wasn’t really supposed to be gay, but I was. I decided that I had to tell my dad, because my dad would know what I was talking about.” Barry turns to look at Arin, “Y’know, I was at that point where I kind of knew that not everyone was gay, but I also couldn’t imagine people not feeling the way I did.” Barry chuckles a little at that, and then sobers, his voice is shaky, becoming more so as he continues, “I remember, me and my dad were at the pool when I really decided it. You remember Billy James?” Barry asks, looking over at Arin, who notices immediately how almost bitter Barry is when he says his name.
Arin nods, “Yeah, of course I do. He once taped his fingers together with duct tape and he had to get the nurse to get the tape off. It was fucking hilarious.”
Barry laughs a little, before continuing, “I was looking right at him, and I dunno, I thought he was cute or something, so I leaned over to my dad and I went, ‘I think I have a crush on Billy James’.” Barry pauses and rubs his eyes, “And he laughed. He was obviously hoping I was joking, but seeing my face he must have realized I wasn’t because the next thing I knew he was grabbing my arm and dragging me out of there. And then, we were sitting in the car, and he was telling me about how I would outgrow this, and how it was something that I could change, if I really wanted to, and really tried to.” Barry looks at the wall behind Arin, “Arin. He was talking about me like I had something toxic inside of me. But, it didn’t feel like poison. It felt like me.” Barry wipes his eyes, “It became his obsession, I dunno, dude, it was just all bad news. He started thinking I wasn’t quote unquote ‘masculine enough’ or whatever the fuck. He thought that was the reason I was like this. I wasn’t enough of a man, or I wasn’t enough of a son, or I wasn’t enough of Barry, not the Barry he wanted. He took me to go play catch, Arin.”
Arin looks at Barry, a little confused.
“He hates sports. He thought maybe that was the only way to cure me. Make me a real man. It made me hate sports, just like him. One night I said as much, and he yelled at me, louder than I’ve ever heard him. It was a complete 180. I didn’t even recognize him. He just kept-” Barry pauses to scrunch his eyes tighter. He’d been crying for the past few minutes, and here he was trying to stop the flow as if it wasn’t already too late. Arin reaches a hand out and touches his arm, and Barry keeps going, “He kept yelling, screaming that no son of his was gonna be a wuss. That’s when my mom found out. Cause my dad was yelling it. What a way to come out, huh? That’s the night my mom kicked me out, screaming with my dad. I managed to grab the most important stuff, and you know the rest. I went to your place, I stayed with you guys for a few weeks. Uncle Alby put up money for an apartment and food. Thank god for him, you know.” Barry looks back up at the ceiling, tears still staining his cheeks
Arin nods and hugs him, needing to let him know that he gets it.
“My answer is, Arin, gender is complicated and strange and how you feel is how it is. Fuck anyone who tells you otherwise, okay? I regret not telling my dad to go fuck himself, and I’ll tell anyone else to do just that if they fuck with you. Keep me updated, okay, buddy?” Barry says, into Arin’s ear as they hug. Within ten minutes, Barry’s back to lying on his back, looking up at the stars on the ceiling.
“Barry?”
“Yeah, Arin?”
“Do you believe in love?”
Barry chuckles, “Arin, I believe in love because love sits in front of me every day. Arin, I love you.”
Arin glances over at Barry and says, “I love you too.”
“Just remember,” Barry says, turning on his side, “No homo.”
***
The theater is dark, Thor speaking on screen, probably saying something about his hammer, although Arin’s not sure exactly what it is. He’s too busy leaning forward in his seat, trying to make out what Ross is saying that’s making Dan laugh so loud.
“Why did we choose a movie? Why not somewhere quiet like a playground?” Arin says, straining forward, trying desperately to catch even a word of the conversation occurring two rows ahead.
“Arin, probably because two teenagers on a date in a playground is a little bit weird.” Suzy says, mirroring his actions.
“Well, now that you say that…”
“This is pointless. There’s no way we’re gonna hear anything like this. Let’s just watch the movie.”
Arin nods, and leans back, but all he can really think about is watching them to at least get some information- that is until he feels Suzy’s fingers intertwining in his. His heart begins to flutter in his chest, and now he’s worried about if his hands are too sweaty, or if he’ll do something that’ll make her stop, and then she points forward, “Hey, look! They’re holding hands!”
“That has gotta be a good sign. Love is blossoming in the air, I can just smell it-” Arin starts to lift out of his seat, pretending to sniff the air.
Suzy pulls him back down, giggling, “Stop! We’re gonna get kicked out if you keep going!” The smile never left her face.
*
By the time the movie ends, Arin’s sure he’s won the bet. That is, until he sees Ross and Danny walking side by side, like they normally do, laughing about Ross spilling a drink on someone in front of them.
Arin knows, then, that nothing happened. They’re the same.
Suzy’s now behind his shoulder, mouth agape as well, before a little grin settles there.
Ross stops Dan for a moment and says something that they can’t hear, gesturing to them. Danny nods and smiles before walking off.
Ross comes over to them and grins.
“What happened?” Arin asks, still dumbstruck.
Ross shrugs, “Aromantic.”
***
“Arin, hold still, I just need to do this. You’re making this hard. You’ll be Louise in no time if you just hold still.” Suzy says, her mascara brush in front of his eye. Arin cringes harder than before, “Arin it’s not that bad. Come on-”
Arin pulls back suddenly, the words finally processing, “It’s not that bad? Suzy, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
Suzy looks hurt, before a look of worry settles on her face.“Arin, are you okay?” Suzy asks, concerned.
“Not even a little bit. Not even a bit.”
Suzy sits beside him on the couch, “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”
“Suzy, the problem is that I do want to,”
Suzy looks at Arin, suddenly, “What-”
“I’m not supposed to want to, you know? I’m not supposed to like being called a girl, I’m not supposed to like nail polish, I’m not supposed to be like this.”
Suzy looks at Arin, “Arin, you-”
“I’m out of my mind, that’s it, right? I’m just pretending, right? This isn’t really happening, nope, it can’t be, there’s has to be some explanation. What happened to me- was I scarred when I was younger? There has to be some explanation.” Arin’s standing up now, yelling at no one in particular, crying, “It can’t just be that I’m some fucking freak, it can’t. There has to be something, there has to be, I can’t just be this fucking messed up kid, I can’t be.”
“Arin, it’s gonna be okay. You’re not a freak. You’re amazing.” Suzy stands up, looking at Arin, and then leans over and grabs a tissue, patting away the spilled makeup on Arin’s face, “Arin. You’re gorgeous.”
And Suzy leans in and kisses her, placing a hand on the back of her head, her other hand on the side of Arin’s face, and she kisses back with all she has. Everything in her is screaming that this is right, this is what it should feel like, and it finally clicks that she’s a girl kissing a girl and she loves it, and she loves Suzy, and maybe she even loves herself.
Suzy pulls back and smiles and Arin can see a speck of her lipstick on Suzy’s mouth. Arin speaks first, “Do we have to drive off a cliff now, Thelma?”
Suzy laughs, “Do you wanna be my girlfriend, or something like that?”
“I’d like that, I really would.”
***
They stand together on Danny’s porch, holding hands, ready to step inside
Arin hesitates, hand in the air as if frozen in the action of knocking. Arin looks at Suzy, and she just stands on her tiptoes and kisses her, and she grins, before grabbing Suzy’s hand and knocking.
“Coming!” Yells an obviously drunk Dan, dressed as Luigi, giggling all the way to the door, “Arin! Suzy!” He yells as it swings open, “My best buddies! Here together! Aw, Arin, you look lovely!” He says this while hugging the two of them, “Isn’t this great, Ross?” Dan looks back to the living room where Barry and Ross are sitting (as Mario and Link, respectively) along with a freshman named Kevin, who Barry’s been sweet on all year.
“Yeah, it’s awesome! Great costumes, guys!” Ross says, sending a thumb’s up to the two of them in the doorway.
“Well, come on in! There’s music and there’s a drinking game happening.” Dan says, pulling them in and shutting the door.
“It’s not so much a drinking game as it is us playing Monopoly and Danny copiously drinking throughout it, unsolicited.” Barry interjects, grinning at Danny, who nods emphatically.
Dan walks back over, followed by Suzy. Arin stands, unsure what to do, before Barry looks at her and smiles, “Hey, can you help me out in the kitchen for a second?”
She nods, following him through the door.
“Hey, so what’s up? What’s going on, you seem a little on edge.”
She swallows hard and just takes a moment to look at him, “The thing is, um, sometimes I feel like a girl and, that’s kinda what’s going on, y’know? I dunno, man, I just feel like that and it’s why I’ve been so unsure of everything for the past months.”
Barry nods, as if now it all makes sense, “It’s all good, Arin. Let me know if there’s anything else I should call you, okay?” He starts to head back out, before turning around, “And by the way? You look beautiful.”
Arin smiles and lets out the breath she didn’t know she had been holding. And then she walks back out to her friends, not worrying about having to hold her breath again. She was no longer underwater.
***
Ze’s walking through the forest, the light green of early spring bursting all around zir. Arin leans down and picks up a smooth rock, tossing it in the air and catching it in zir palm. Ze walks towards a brook that lays ahead. Ze sits down, and suddenly zir shoes are off. Arin dangles zir feet into the water, feeling the cold water rushing over zir feet. Ze watches the sunshine filter through the trees and splatter the rocks with gold. Ze feels alive.
Arin’s eyes open, watching the sun filter through zir shutters, just like in zir dream. Ze feels relaxed, ready to face this day. Ze gets out of zir bed, walking slowly to zir desk, pulling out the forgotten folder. There lies zir comic, almost finished but for a few panels. Ze pulls out a pen, about to finish it, when ze has an idea. Arin walks out of zir room, heading to the place where this really all began. When ze reaches the bathroom, ze grabs a dark red nail polish, and sits on the floor, painting each nail with care. Then, ze heads back to zir room, ready to find a worthy way to tell zir friends that ze loves them. Ze feels right because, finally, ze can see what’s really there.