Chapter Text
~*~
Addictions Or Longings
~*~
1. This is our sanctuary
~ I see your hurt, I feel your pain
All of our dirt is washed in the rain
I've walked that road, I've felt that shame
No place is home but times, they are changin'
'Sanctuary' by Welshly Arms ~
~*~
He doesn't remember what it was like before. Before him. Before he became a part of his life. And maybe it doesn't matter, because there is always the longing, the desire. He doesn't know any different anymore. Letting him move in was probably the stupidest thing he could ever do. But also the best.
He brought back something he thought he had already buried. He knows he's not necessarily a butterfly who can flutter from acquaintance to acquaintance. He finds it difficult to make friends. Keeping these, only more. He's got his weird little circle of friends he cares about and wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Who brought light into his world with their chaotic nature.
But they were still not like him.
Changbin is a hurricane. A mystery. Someone he couldn't see through. And still can't. It was hard work getting anything out of him and over time he seemed to trust him enough to open up. And these things were not always very pleasant.
Changbin's life is marked by loss and loneliness. It started when he wasn't even seven years old and his mother died in a terrible car accident, up to his teenage years, where his father didn't give a fuck about him. It probably came as no surprise that he ended up going down the wrong path. Bad friends. Boredom. The urge to belong.
He learned early on to take care of himself. Not to rely on anything and especially on no one, because in the end, he will be alone again anyway.
Felix is heartbroken that he thinks this way. Is it still. He has learned not to take Changbin's harsh nature and sometimes rejection as something personal, but because the habit still burns in him. He understands it. It still hurts.
The fact that he got the curve at some point is probably only due to his will, his determination. And the urge not to die at the age of twenty. He took his dad's money and enrolled in business at university. It's probably amazing that someone like him can choose such a dry area, but Changbin had a plan. And that consisted of opening a tattoo shop after he graduated. Well, even his indignant father couldn't change his rebellious heart. But he hadn't had a say in the matter for a long time.
Felix was proud of him. So infinite. He fought his way out of this dark hole that could easily have meant his end, just to do what he loved with all his heart.
He showed more determination and courage than Felix can even begin to muster. He is used to swimming with the current and not against it. His homosexuality had already exceeded the level of his rebellion and is otherwise good at keeping his head down and his mouth shut. In everything. Even the things that break his heart.
He doesn't want to waste his life with his dead-end job as a therapeutic masseur. He wants to experience something different. Do something else. But the security keeps him exactly where he does not want to be. The fear of no longer being able to pay his bills, losing his constant and being a disappointment for his parents, and probably also for himself, keeps him small. Keeps him silent.
But there are also moments of his resistance. He, together with Hyunjin, and surprisingly his landlord Minho, who is one of his best friends, shut down into a rented dance studio on some evenings and dance their hearts out.
For Hyunjin, this is probably normality, because he makes his money with it, even if it is not much and he has to resort to unconventional methods in order not to starve. None of them put the word 'prostitution' in their mouths, because it is not. It's more like keeping company; for a certain sum. Hyunjin doesn't talk about what he does with his Sugar Daddy, whether there's more going on than just harmless get-together's. They tease him about it sometimes, but in hindsight it's his choice, his path, which none of them can break.
His friends can not necessarily be called the ordinary group of society. Be it Jisung, who lives directly opposite his apartment, and in the time Felix knows him, has only left it a handful of times. Mostly just to sneak up to his psychologist to tell him about the purgatory in his head.
Seungmin is probably the only one of them who can be described as normal, with his prestigious job as a lawyer. However, his licked, uptight facade is only on the surface. Seungmin has another face, one that most people find disgusting, if not scary. He is a Dom who finds satisfaction in bringing pleasure and fulfilment to others through pain and humiliation. Not necessarily something you associate with him at first glance.
But they all have other sides that they only show to each other, because none of them would judge or blame. They are what they are. With all their quirks and flaws.
The bright lights burn his eyes. He blames the tears on it and on the smoke shot out of the smoke machines. It has nothing to do with the sight in front of him. His tears don't exist because of that.
This is just another sight that repeats itself every weekend. Always with the same process, the same outcome. Only part of the protagonists changed.
Felix should no longer be surprised. He has seen this scenario too many times. He still sends Jisung a message that he will sleep at his tonight. He does not ask any questions, but only sends back an 'okay'.
This evening should be different. But he always has this idea. This dream that Changbin will go home with him. Alone, without any tag, where he no longer bothers to learn the name. He doesn't expect them to passionately fall into bed, fuck their brains out and start something that will change everything between them. He buried that dream long ago. But that they are just the two of them. Sitting on the couch laughing, talking about the evening, letting it unplug leisurely and perhaps falling asleep cuddled together.
However, this dream is more painful than anything else. Because Changbin basically does not get involved in relationships. Short-term affairs that make the other believe that he is there for a longer period of time; this for sure. But no relationships. He's seen a lot in five years. Men. Women. Both. But everyone only stayed for a few weeks. One of them lasted two months, but then one day he didn't show up and Felix didn't ask. He didn't have to know what happened.
His protective bubble get another crack as he watches Changbin bury his hand in the long, shiny hair of his new conquest, pulling her closer just to cover her full lips with his.
This is the moment when he turns around. Escaping the bass and booming only to crash out of the club. Stops in front of it like the biggest fucking idiot and feels the cold air on his heated skin, whispering over the tears on his cheeks.
~*~
He doesn't know when it started. How. Or why. But at some point he couldn't get out of this prison and by that he doesn't even mean his apartment, but rather his own head. Fate is a bitch who likes to dangle in his face what he can't have.
He was always a sickly child, with a to overbearing mother, who wanted to preserve and protect him from everything and in the end only made it worse. Jisung does not blame her. How should he? She is his mom. But it also didn't help that she literally locked him away, never really let him be a child, because of the fear that something might happen.
Eventually, her fear became his. The world outside his window was no longer beautiful and exciting, but dark and full of dangers and evil people who were only out to do bad things to him. He knows, deep in his head, that these fears are unfounded, that there is nothing to tear him apart or hurt him. But it's hard to shake all that off. To be normal.
Felix gives him this feeling. He doesn't care that he's just in his apartment, that he doesn't go outside. It doesn't bother him and just takes him for what he is.
Just like Minho.
But he is something that shook Jisung's world, challenged him, spurred him on. He didn't want to be some freak in front of him, a weirdo who was too strange and odd to want to deal with him. It was the will to impress him that drove him forward.
His first step had been to leave his apartment to go to Felix'. Ridiculous perhaps to others as he traded one closed location for the next. But for him, this was a giant step. Felix and Minho thought so too. And his psychologist. But his opinion carried less weight than Minho's. Even if his praise inspired him. It was a nice feeling to make others proud. Of him. Of the little he can achieve. And so he challenged himself anew every day.
He may never be able to party with them. At least in no clubs, but he can participate in house parties, can have lunches with them, or have movie nights. For others, this may be a trifle, but for him it means the world. He's not afraid of other people, not really, at least. But sometimes the great unknown out there is still terrifying, still overwhelming. It will get better, but it will never go away completely. He knows this and not only because his psychologist tirelessly reminds him of it.
When he saw Minho for the first time, he literally heard bells. He was the most beautiful man he has ever seen and his anxiety shot up in the sky just because he didn't know what to do. How to behave. But Minho, amazingly, was a miracle in itself. He has never met anyone like him. Which may not be difficult, as his social contacts largely consisted of his online friends and Twitch followers. But Minho was a force of nature that appeared and never went away.
It is probably not necessarily the norm to make friends with a landlord, because this can bring far more difficulties than advantages. But Minho is also not that normal homeowner who was all about money. Something that, as Jisung knows only too well, he doesn't even really need.
He was fired from his high-paying job after a colleague outed him to his bosses. Seungmin wanted to sue them, but before the law they had done nothing illegal. And even if the moral aspect sucked balls, Minho didn't gave a shit. He was a clever man who invested most of his pay check, he wanted to buy a house at some point in his life. He did, but for a very different reason. He is not necessarily your average landlord. Not even close. But he's an ally and that's so much more worth.
Felix moved into the building after learning from Seungmin, whom he met at university, that there are apartments for people like them. The fringes of society, those who have to pretend and hide. Jisung moved in soon after, stoned to his toes yet shaking and trembling to survive the sprint from the car to his new prison.
This changed his life. His perspective. His entire imagination.
He's good at hiding, to hole up, but Felix wouldn't let him. After catching a quick glimpse of him as Jisung accepted a package and he was shuffling into his own apartment from work, Felix was a constant. Jisung would never say he pushed himself into his life, but he was adamant. Wanted to be friends with him for reasons Jisung still doesn't understand.
And with Felix came Minho, and Seungmin. Eventually, Changbin and Hyunjin. And last but not least, Jeongin. The youngest of them, but he was also the wildest. Fresh from school and already firmly integrated into professional life, as a tattoo artist in Changbin's shop.
Jeongin was probably the one who intimidated Jisung the most, because he had his life under control in a way that he would probably never achieve. Not under these circumstances, not with his twisted head.
And yet Jisung knows he is making progress. They may be slow and small, but they still exist. And he clings to it, sticks to it. Because he has nothing else. His determination, his obsession.
An hour later, there is a hesitant, quiet knock on his door. He knows that Felix has dragged his heavy heart to him. Just as he has done far too many times before.
When he opens the door, there is a tearful, upset Felix. He doesn't ask. He doesn't have to in order to know what happened. Again. Sometimes he hates the power that Changbin so obviously has over his friend and doesn't even realize he has it himself. He can set Felix on fire with a single gesture, or catapult him into the sky.
Today he trampled him down again just because he wanted his cock wet. It's not fair, it's just that he doesn't say it. Just drag Felix into his apartment, into his bed, where they cuddle each other tightly watching the lights from the street and the cars dancing on the ceiling until Felix's eyes close with exhaustion and Jisung is left to his own thoughts.
Life is a bitch. And obviously she doesn't just like playing with him.
~*~
It has become a tradition that after a night of partying and getting drunk they meet in one of their apartments to fight the hangover with a hearty, rich breakfast. That wasn't always helpful, but they used it to gossip extensively about the previous night.
Felix doesn't want to see the shoes on the door. The high-heeled things, which can probably also be used to gouge someone's eyes out. He doesn't have to peek into Changbin's room to know exactly what sight awaits him. And he doesn't need that. Especially because Jisung's close examination is burning on him. He knows what's going through his friend's head, he doesn't have to say it out loud and Felix doesn't have to hear it.
It's always loud and lively when they're all in one place and they don't necessarily pay attention to an absent Changbin, who is probably still lying in his bed with a big head. And his companion. However, this is something that Felix hasn't mentioned and they haven't really noticed yet.
He is serving the steaming Haejangguk soup with Minho, along with the barley flour pancakes, when he hears the click of a door, followed by the pat of bare feet. His eyes immediately rush to Jisung, who sits breathlessly in his chair and stares at him.
But none of them expected a half-naked, long-haired beauty, dressed in just a bra and a thong that was far too small, to strut into their field of vision. There's a huge, way too happy grin on her full lips while she looks like she hasn't just been through a wild fuck fest, but has stepped out of a beauty salon.
Felix just swallows, puts down the soup and stays next to the table as if he were a stranger in his own apartment. He sees Minho faltering beside him, his grip on the plate of pancakes becoming so tight his knuckles turn white.
“Hi, guys! Oh, it's so nice to see you all,” the unknown conquest purr and wraps a lock of her long hair around her finger while giving them a beaming smile.
Minho puts down the plate with an forcible bang and pierces Felix with a glare that sears and burns his skin. “Who the hell is that?”
A giggle escapes from her throat. “I'm Sehee.”
Hyunjin leans forward, clearing his throat, to look at Felix in amazement, “Why is she acting like that has to tell us something?”
Felix gives a clicking swallow and vehemently avoids the insistent looks of his friends. “She's... well, Changbin's new girl.”
“Oh, fuck me.” Minho snarls in annoyance before turning and reaching for the glass of sparkling wine that has stolen into their tradition at some point. He rolls his eyes as he washes this down without hesitation.
Seungmin lets his eyes wander intensely over Changbin's new conquest, “Seriously?”
But it is Minho who, after putting the glass back far too forcefully, sneaks up to her. “Okay, darling, we'd appreciate it if you didn't show off your perky, bouncy tits in front of us. Especially not at eleven o'clock in the morning, when I only had my first glass of excellent sparkling wine.”
Sehee lowers her eyes and beams at her breasts while lightly hopping on her heels. “Oh, they're really perky and bouncy, right?”
There is absolute silence before Hyunjin gives a stunned snort, followed by a suppressed giggle. “Is she for real?”
Felix just widens his eyes and silently begs him. He doesn't want to form an opinion about her mental abilities. He doesn't even want to form an opinion at all about her, because he just hopes she'll go away quickly and drama-free.
“Sweetie, you know we, most of us, at least, are gay?” There is a smile on Minho's lips, yet his voice, the glimmer in his eyes, can be described as nothing but pure rejection and disgust.
But 'Conquest of the Month', or Sehee, just gives him an unconcerned giggle. Felix is sure that he is not the only one who gets annoyed by this noise. “Changbinnie told me; that's why he allows me to walk around like this.”
“Is that so?”, Minho speaks through his teeth and gives Felix a scathing, raging sideways glance.
And then she says something that's like a punch in the stomach to the others, “I've always wanted my own group of gay friends! We will have so much fun.”
Minho's face only darkens even more as he takes a step back. “What the fuck? I'm not a fucking pet.”
“Oh, Changbinnie warned me about you. Don't worry, I'll win you over too.”
“I doubt it,” growled by Minho before turning around giving Felix a firm look.
“But I'm very nice,” whispering from Sehee. Something that only gets on Minho's nerves even more.
“Maybe, but you won't be here long enough to get me used to your annoying existence. Lunch finished.”
And with that he storms away. Felix gulps before giving the others an apologetic look and chasing after him. He feels Jisung's eyes burning towards him, but doesn't look at him at that moment.
He doesn't have to search for long or think about where Minho fled to. Because they all have the same retreat point. Well, maybe all of them, except for Jisung, but that's a different topic altogether.
The steel door to the terrace makes an unbearable squeak. But it doesn't matter when he sees Minho standing alone. He is in an inner struggle that tears something inside Felix. He loves the empathy his friend shows, but this is not his struggle, shouldn't be something that weighs him down and makes him helpless.
“Hyung.” His voice is almost a whisper and because of that he puts more emphasis into it, so that it can fight against the wind on the roof terrace. “Minho-hyung.” He slowly approaches him, meandering between the thrown together and old patio furniture.
The roof terrace is something that can be described as their oasis. With the small covered bar and grill area. The many fairy lights and lanterns that give this place something magical on warm summer evenings. Minho even installed a hot tub. Even if it's just an old battered bathtub that doesn't serve any function as a jacuzzi. But this area is something Felix loves dearly, to retreat to when his head is too loud and his anger at Changbin too great.
“He has to stop.” Minho doesn't look at him as he stands by the balustrade, hands on his hips as the wind whips his dark hair.
Felix nods and a sad smile crosses his lips. “Yes, he has to. Are you okay?”
He lets out a stunned snort as anger seethes beneath his surface, which is about to erupt. “Are you really asking me that? God, Felix... how do you take it? Having these bimbos here all the time? Getting something different and short lived in front of your nose every month?”
His question hurts because he can't change Changbin's behaviour. Can't tell him anything, or even tell him how much it hurts when his eyes are on every pretty face but he doesn't see him. Doesn't see him in that light and probably never will. He is aware that his feelings are hopeless, that they will never be returned.
And yet he can't stop. To hope. To wish. To be there and let him treat him like the ultimate pathetic idiot.
“He is a free man, hyung. He can do whatever he wants and at some point... I've learned to ignore it.”
“But he hurts you,” insistently by Minho, as if this fact could change anything.
“Maybe... but he doesn't know either.” Felix shrugs his shoulders, because it makes no difference. Changbin still doesn't know the truth.
And Minho seems to give him that fact. If that dark anger wafting across his face can be called recognition. “Fuck, Felix! Stop protecting him all the time. I'm so sick of his fucks!”
However, this is something Felix can wholeheartedly agree with. He doesn't even have to put it into words for Minho to know that he sees it the same way. But as long as he doesn't open his mouth, Changbin won't and can't change anything. This, however, is something Felix will never admit to, because when he expresses his dislike, his outright hate, about it, Changbin does something even worse and stays away. As perverse as this situation is, Felix prefers him here, even with his alternate fucks and the constant heartache he suffers from it.
He doesn't want to think about the degrees of fucked up, so he pushes that dark certainty far away. Just carefully, quietly, creep next to Minho, stand next to him and stare with him over the excited, busy city beneath their feet.
After a heavy sigh, he leans his head against Minho's shoulder and just stays there.
~*~
Jisung can do nothing but look after them while there is absolute silence around him. This is not the first time he has cursed Changbin's thoughtlessness. He knows that he is not heartless or selfish, he is just not aware of how much his actions hurt others. In particular Felix. He is sure that if he knew, he would stop, or at least change something.
But it is Felix's decision to say something, to point out his mistakes to him. No one can take this away from him. And certainly not Jisung.
He vehemently avoids the big eyes of the lightly dressed Sehee as she just stands there, looks around nervously and does not even seem to understand what has just gone wrong. From her thoughtless comment, to Minho's abrupt departure.
However, at least after one last uneasy giggle, she turns and wiggles away. Jisung doesn't want to see Seungmin's appreciative look lying on her butt. Only when they hear the door does he let out a soft whistle.
“I wouldn't mind playing with her.” His words are light, unfiltered. And far too clearly.
Something that Hyunjin also seems to see that way. “Are you for real?”
But Seungmin only gives him a carefree smile and Jisung has to suppress the shudder at the glow in his eyes. Not because of his preferences, but rather because of that look on his face. Because of the clear indication of the Dom coming out unhindered, uncomplicated.
“I bet she's a glorious sight in front of me. On her knees.”
“Especially with a gag in her mouth”, snorting from the blonde dancer who doesn't even try to disguise his dislike.
And Jisung can just silently agree. Under normal circumstances, he has nothing against Changbin's one night stands. They're there. And then they are gone again. It is rather rare for one of them to stay for a longer period of time.
It was the same with Hyunjin. He was just another fuck. Fun for a night. But he stayed. Not because of Changbin, but because he had blended in seamlessly with them. Like a missing piece of a puzzle that they didn't know it was missing. He became their friend and wasn't just another one night stand anymore.
However, it is not always so easy.
He can't tell for sure if Changbin is looking for attention. For the kick. The conquest. Or just because there's still not what he's looking for, what makes him stay. It might not matter either, as his acquaintances vary from fairly indifferent to the situation, to accepting that it is what it is. To the point of freaking out.
However, he stays away from them and lets Minho take care of them. And unfortunately sometimes Felix too. He doesn't really know how he stands it. Over and over again. Faces change, gender changes, but never the ending. It's always just silent acceptance, or screaming, raving, raging.
If he were Felix, he probably would have thrown Changbin out long ago. However, his stupid heart cannot allow this. This is something Jisung understands only too well.
“Okay, where is the fucker?”
The apartment door is thrown open with a loud, powerful jerk and bangs against the wall. They all flinch just to stare at Jeongin. The young, tattooed, pierced Hurricane who works at Changbin's Shop and despite his young age already had an impressive reputation in the scene.
And he was one of those Instagram hipsters, with his wide mom-dad-cousin jeans. Jisung has no idea about fashion or trends, so he doesn't bother to analyse his clothes. However, he knows that his style is admired by many. Including Hyunjin, whose eyes now also give a dull glow.
Seungmin just sighs and sips his coffee, “Good morning, Jeongin-ah. He's still sleeping.”
He lets out an angry hiss and puts his hands on the tabletop. “Are you fucking kidding me?! He booked an appointment on a fucking Sunday, at 1 p.m. and then he isn't even awake? Oh, this asshole.”
None of them flinch at his vulgar mouths anymore. Instead, he only receives a variation of a shrug and mild regret.
“You want coffee? Pancakes?” Hyunjin instead offers with a radiant smile that Jeongin only makes snort.
“I want a new boss.”
“No, you love me.” Changbin's voice is rough, scratchy and only makes it even clearer what he had been up to all night. Or with whom. “What is this ruckus? Do you people not know how to be quiet?”
Seungmin gives him an impressive eye roll. “Shut up, Changbin-hyung. You aren't allowed to talk like this.”
“Oh, and why am I not allowed?” Changbin's mouth twists into that damn half-grin that may be partly responsible for why his conquests are so numerous. This gesture does something to others that Jisung can't quite comprehend. It turns even Felix into a giggling puddle of goo. Abnormal. And not necessarily helpful for Felix's resistance. But Jisung is sure that Changbin knows this and still uses it.
Jeongin gives an annoyed sigh and grabs Changbin by the shoulders. “Can we please postpone the gossip, Boss-hyung? We have an appointment in exactly an hour. Do you remember?”
“Fuck. Yes, give me five minutes.” Changbin just hastily takes a sip of Seungmin's coffee and then turns around. But before he can disappear, he suddenly stops. He makes an impressive 360-degree turn, only to finally stare at the group again. “Hey, where is, Felix?”
“Oh, how nice. You remember,” murmured by Jisung before stuffing his cheeks with pancakes.
But Changbin's gaze immediately snaps to him. “What the hell?”
“No time, hyung! Move your ass.” Jeongin pushes him in the direction of his room, only to shake himself in disgust when the stench of sweat, sex and much too sweet perfume hits him.
Changbin hints at a punch, when an exaggerated choke hits his ear. “Aish! Watch out.”
“Hey Casanova! What do you want to do with her?”, a little louder from Seungmin before lover boy can disappear into his sex cave.
Hyunjin tries to hide his giggle behind his hand, but it's far too bright and amused to have succeeded. “Oh, Seungmin would love to take care of her. He would like to play with her.”
His answer is not really surprising. Not with his history. “Don't hold back, brother.”
Hyunjin only shares a silent look with Jisung, while Seungmin is not necessarily amazed, but at least mildly bewildered. “It doesn't even bother you?”
“Why should it? We aren't married.” An indifferent shrug from him and they really have to wonder if he even attempted to have what they called 'The Conversation' with her. Neither of them think it happened.
“I'm going to kick her out. Don't worry, you don't have to braid hair with her.”
The silence afterwards is heavy, and even Jeongin has lost his grin, even though he wasn't there when Sehee claimed a property that doesn't even seem to exist remotely. None of them are surprised, they still don't like the scenario that's brewing. They just hope Changbin will sort it out. But this has never been the case and they don't believe that he will now deal with the splinters of this fracture.
“Wow, their perception is really very obscured, huh?”, quietly from Jisung, because he doesn't want Changbin to hear him. Or worse, that she does.
Seungmin just shakes his head with a sigh. “I don't know how he does it again and again.”
“Magic cock”, murmured by Hyunjin as he exaggeratedly wiggles his fingers in the air. And he must know it.
Jeongin chokes again and turns away in disgust. „Ugh, I don't wanna talk about the cock of my boss, thank you.“