Chapter Text
15. It feels like I can be the one for your love
~ So many eyes, I can't see
I'm static, and I can't move my feet
From the moment that you stood next to me
Feeling manic, I forgot how to speak
'Rhythm Inside' by Calum Scott ~
~*~
It's not quite noon yet, but it's not early morning either. The Han River is not deserted, but not as crowded as it would be at a later time. And yet Jisung clutches Minho's hand like he's his lifeline, and he is, in a way. However, that was his idea too, he can't blame anyone else but himself. And maybe Doc Park, who was ecstatic about his little self-experiment.
He has been constantly challenging himself for half a year now, pushing himself to his limits only to push them again and again. To go further bit by bit until he can finally be here. Can have his fucking picnic on the Han River with Minho. He's proud and feels good about it because he has only himself to thank for this. His determination and the gentle support of Minho.
Things don't always go so smoothly and he knows he has a bad habit of pushing Minho off when things are about to get out of hand. Whether it's because his head is telling him dark, mean things or his Stream sucked. Or because his mother still hasn't understood that if she doesn't accept him or Minho, she won't be welcome in his life anymore. Something that she, in turn, cannot accept and that is why she keeps demanding, even trying to blackmail him, that he comes home again. Where he belongs. As if his father would allow that. Apparently this is something that his mother benevolently overlooks.
He rejects them, over and over again and this scratches at his walls, making them brittle and thin and it's probably no a surprise that he tears apart afterwards. Unfortunately, it's Minho or Felix who then get to feel his helpless rage, and that only stresses Jisung out even more because he thinks he'll drive them away with it.
But they stay. Above all Minho. He just waits. Still. Quietly. Until he has calmed down and can or wants to talk. Jisung only loves him more for it. He doesn't take demands at such moments, no interference and Minho just lets him think. He doesn't allow himself to be destroyed and blamed, but gives him his space to clear his head and find his footing again.
It was him who first found out about his little experiment. The request, that he should no longer go through such things alone and to be open to him, still reverberate in Jisung. Even if he feels uncomfortable having to confide in him again, because he thirsts to be self-sufficient, to make him proud, he is aware that he has to let Minho in on such actions. He doesn't want a repeat of last time. None of them want that.
They have found a secluded spot by the river where they have the green barrier of trees and bushes behind them. Jisung is grateful for this, as it gives him security he didn't know he needed.
He enjoys the sun on his face, the wind gently playing with his hair as he sits on the blanket and just listens to the sounds of nature. He can even believe that he is on the terrace and not in a park in the middle of Seoul. Hearing no people, cars or the chaos of the big city lets him fall into that calming, safe bubble he was hoping for. Minho lies beside him, leaning back on his arms and gazing across the sparkling water.
Until there are loud voices, that unmistakable, deep laughter from Felix. He turns his head and sees his two friends walking towards them, laughing and giggling. A smile dances on his lips as he sees Changbin clutching Felix's hand tightly as he tells him some story that makes his friend laugh out loud.
A new, colourful tattoo adorns Changbin's neck, just above his pulse point, which differs only slightly from the one Felix also has over his heart, as Jisung knows only too well, and by accident. It's not exactly the same, as Changbin is particularly aware of the couple's curse of tattoos, but they wanted something that would connect them, but still be as individual as the two of them.
Another move that emphasizes their togetherness without being too overwhelming.
Felix sits down next to him, wedges Jisung between himself and Minho and stares at him warily at every flinch, no matter how small. But he doesn't panic. There's no darkness trying to swallow him, or pulling him into that cold, empty place in his head. There is only comfort, peace and love racing through his veins, warm and soothing.
They have a few moments to themselves before the steady sound of a skateboard is heard in the distance, darting swiftly and surely across the path toward them.
Jeongin rolls onto his board with his huge headphones, baseball cap and much too large hoodie, which on closer inspection is probably not even his. His foot hits the asphalt in rhythmic kicks until he reaches the turf and kicks it into his hand. He looks tired, but neither of them commented. Jeongin is secretive. Especially when it comes to his own problems.
He plasters a happy, nonchalant grin on his face, but they see through it, just leave him his charade, knowing full well there's no use prodding him for enlightenment. He never opens his mouth and they have no choice but to accept it.
Until Felix accidentally gets to the core, perhaps without intending to.
“Where is Chan?” he asks curiously and Jisung is only mildly surprised that his attention is on Jeongin for this.
He didn't even realize that something was brewing. And how should he? But he's not stupid, he saw a lot at Minho's roof party back then and also that the two of them fluttered around each other like fucking moths. But the end result, what became of their morbid dance, he had no idea. And it seems neither do they know. Not if he interprets the look in Jeongin's expressive fox eyes correctly.
There's a glimmer of regret until he pushes it back and grins broadly at his friends. “He couldn't come. Something about a new project with a brand new girl group.”
Minho gives a devilish grin before whispering sarcastically, “Oh so he's all excited to be working with very young, sexy women?”
“Stop it.” He struggles to keep his own laughter down, but still elbows Minho in the side.
He doesn't want a fight, he doesn't want them to provoke each other, even if Minho doesn't mean it badly and that's just his special sense of humour and they actually know it. But Jeongin is like a raw nerve, no one can say what really pushes him over the edge. And he doesn't want him to suffer. Out of whichever reasons.
Jeongin only gives a tiny, unconvincing smile. “Nah, it's more because they don't have that creepy doll-over-the-top-cute attitude.”
“Good for him.”
Minho is suddenly forgiving again, he briefly touches his knee, almost unreal, until his eyes come to rest on Jisung again and he can't stop his heart racing at his gaze. Don't want it either.
Jeongin takes a deep breath and nibbles on one of the snacks. His gaze crosses the river as he casually asks, “How's Hyunjin?”
Their friend has been stuck for a week on a luxury vacation sponsored by his sugar daddy, lover, benefactor, whatever. Felix smiles as he explains, “He's lying around lazily on the beach in the Maldives. His photos are stunning and no; I'm not jealous.”
Even Changbin lets out an appreciative whistle. “Have you seen Eunkwang?”
“He's a fucking daddy. I'm starting to understand Hyunjin. I would want one too.” Minho's grin is wide, but his fingers crawl to Jisung' hand as if to placate him.
But he doesn't really understand why. This is just talk, nothing to worry about or be jealous of. And he can appreciate what Eunkwang is doing for Hyunjin. No matter what status the two really have. Or will have.
He changes the subject because he doesn't want Minho to feel bad, “I assume Seungmin is still in the office?”
Felix purses his full lips, there is pure displeasure in his features. “You know him. For him, the fun only starts after the office closes, not during.”
It is Jeongin of all people who leans forward and gives them a conspiratorial grin. The first real one since he got here. “Did you know he has someone new to play with?”
Changbin's eyes widen as he looks at his young tattoo artist. “Did he introduce her to you?”
But Jeongin only snorts and waves him off. “Nah, of course not. I accidentally, really unintentionally, read a message from her. He claims it's nothing serious and just a pure dom/sub relationship giving them both what they need and dahdihdah... You know that contract talk from him, even on this subject. But there is still something... I just can't say what. But she's definitely more than just his willing sub.”
Jisung feels warmth at these words because he wants his friends to be happy and if Seungmin is that, with this woman, then that's enough for him. “Whatever she is to him, it's good that he can blow off some steam. He's been way too stressed lately.”
The others grunt in agreement and Minho even runs his hand down Jisung's back only to come down heavily, hotly, between his shoulder blades. He gives him a smile that causes a loving glint in Minho's eyes.
“Oh my god, are those brownies?” And with that, Jeongin loudly destroys that peacefulness as he discovers the container of sweet gold. “Did you bake, Felix-hyung?”
“Yongboki spent half the night in the kitchen for this,” Changbin replies, unable to keep the pout off his face.
Something that makes Felix laugh as he lets his fingers wander to the back of his neck to lovingly knead the delicate skin. “It wasn't so bad.”
Jeongin gives them a lewd look that's only intended for his grumpy boss. “I'm sure you're just mad because he didn't spend the night any other way.”
“Hey, I can't help it if my boyfriend is so sexy I can hardly contain myself.” Changbin turns his head, to give Felix a firm kiss on the cheek and he lowers his eyes almost shyly.
Minho gives a disgusted moan, “Oh, for fucks sake.”
Even Jisung rolls his eyes. “Loudmouth.”
“Oh, my mouth is extremely gifted.” Changbin turns to them and gives them both a suggestive, dirty grin before taking his full bottom lip between his teeth.
Felix punches him in the shoulder while the others vacillate between amused and disgusted, loudly expressing their dislike at Changbin's oversized ego.
Their laughter echoes long and loud through the park, meanders across the Han River and Jisung sits next to Minho and soaks it all up. His cheeks already hurt from laughing and grinning so much, but it doesn't matter. Nothing matters when he can be here, finally, enjoying what's just normal and natural for everyone, but for him it's the world. It may be simple, but it's more than he had a year ago, more than he even had half a year ago, and he'll clutch at it. With all might. He will never let go of any of this.
He will experience setbacks. He knows that. But this struggle, which sometimes tears him apart and leaves him weak and helpless, is still worth it. Because this is worth it. To be with his friends. With Minho.
It can't always be like this and it doesn't have to be. Because life isn't perfect and to expect it would be his biggest failure.
He just wants to live. Not flawless, but happy. And nobody can deny him that. Not even his own fucked up head.