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The ringing of the alarm cut harshly into Marie’s peaceful dream. Marie grumbled something unintelligible and slapped the snooze button without opening her eyes. She must have dozed off immediately afterward, because it seemed as though only a couple of seconds passed before the clamor began again. Two increasingly annoyed iterations later, the thought occurred to Marie that her alarm clock hadn’t sounded nearly so musical the last time she used it… Oh. That was the phone, wasn’t it? Marie dragged her eyes open and fumbled for her mobile. In passing, she caught sight of the poor, mistreated clock by her bedside—nearly three in the morning.
“Hello?” Marie said sleepily into the phone.
“I’m sorry, Marie.” The over-tired voice on the other end banished all drowsiness from Marie’s mind. She sat up straight, giving the caller her full attention.
“Jenna, what’s wrong? Are you okay, sweetheart? Did something happen?”
“I don’t know, I just… I can’t sleep. I have that meeting tomorrow, and I’m so scared, and I’m so tired, and I can’t sleep because I’m worried about screwing everything up, and I’m going to screw everything up because I can’t sleep, and now I’m keeping you from sleeping because of my stupid anxiety, and—“
“Jenny. Jenny, stop. Stop,” Marie interrupted as firmly as she could. Jenna immediately fell silent, though the sound of her harsh breathing spoke volumes about her continued agitation. “Jenna, listen to me. Are you listening?”
“Yes, Marie.” Jenna’s voice sounded tight, as though she were hanging on to Marie’s words like a life-line.
“Jenna, your anxiety is not stupid. You are not doing anything wrong by calling me about it. I told you to call if you needed me, didn’t I?”
“Yes, but I woke you up just because I can’t sleep…”
“I’m a big girl, Jenny. I can survive losing a little sleep.” As soon as the words left her mouth, Marie realized that she had sent the wrong message. The confirmation came instantly.
“I’m supposed to be a ‘big girl,’ too,” Jenna said, stifling a sob.
“No, no, not what I meant,” Marie clarified hastily. “Jenna, listen: you are more important to me than getting a little beauty sleep. You have an important meeting tomorrow, and it’s not silly or childish or anything else that you need support right now. I’ve wished to God all along that I could have gotten the time off work to come out there with you, and I definitely do not mind having you call tonight. Okay? You did the right thing to call, and I’m proud of you. It’s what you should do when you need help. Now, I want you to breathe with me. In through your nose for five, out through your mouth for seven.”
Marie counted aloud, listening intently to Jenna’s hitching efforts to comply. While they counted and breathed, Marie started up her laptop and selected a document from a special folder. After several minutes, Jenna’s breathing evened out, though Marie could still hear tension in the way the air hissed in her throat.
“That’s better,” Marie encouraged. “Keep breathing slowly, okay? Now, sweetheart, do you remember that I packed a pair of my pajamas in your suitcase?”
“Yeah, I’m—I’m wearing them now,” Jenna admitted, sounding sheepish. “They’re really cozy. It’s kind of like wearing a hug.”
“Good girl,” Marie praised, infusing her voice with all the warmth she could convey. “I’ll bet you look adorable, too. So cuddly. You’ll have to wear them for me sometime. Now, Jenna, I want you to do something for me. Are you listening?”
“Yes, Marie.”
“I want you to put your phone on speaker and set it on the table beside the bed. Turn off the lights and get into bed. Lie down on your side, the way you usually sleep, and close your eyes.”
A click, as of plastic on laminated wood, followed by the rustling of heavy fabric and the creaking of mattress springs assured Marie of Jenna’s obedience. When the noises finally stopped, Marie continued speaking.
“Jenna, you and I both know you have prepared as much for this meeting as anyone possibly could. You are ready. You have worked so hard, and no matter how things turn out, I couldn’t be more proud of you. But right now you need to stop thinking about tomorrow. Right now, we need to shut down that brilliant brain of yours so you can get some sleep.
“Now, listen, Jenna,” Marie spoke in a low register, letting the words flow like music. “You may change position if you feel too uncomfortable, but keep your eyes closed and focus on my voice. Will you do that for me?”
“Yes, Marie.” Jenna still sounded tense, but Marie couldn’t help feeling touched by the trust she could hear in her partner’s voice. She silently renewed her promise to see that confidence fulfilled whenever called upon to do so.
Marie began to read aloud:
“The cabin stands deep in the forest, miles from anywhere, surrounded by pine trees. It’s a log cabin, with a low, covered porch. A large, sturdy swing hangs from the porch roof. The exterior looks rustic, almost primitive, but inside it’s warm and cozy. The walls are covered in wood paneling, smooth and polished dark as molasses, with patterns of lighter rings that gleam like swirls of honey in the flickering firelight. The hearth in the main room is wide and deep, made of a single piece of grey stone, and the mantle is brickwork in a muted red. The fire burns quietly, crackling now and then and sending up sparks as the logs settle.
“A large bed stands in the main room, with the head against the wall opposite the fireplace. It’s one of those old-fashioned wrought-iron bedsteads, the kind even someone as tall as I am has to climb up into. Several fluffy pillows lie propped against the headboard as though they’re waiting for someone to lean against them. A folded handmade quilt sits to one side of the pillows. It’s covered with pictures of little Dutch girls in bonnets and dresses and wooden shoes against an off-white background.
“I stand near the fire, giving it a final bit of fuel before bed. Just as I finish, the door to the bathroom opens, and you step out, having just finished taking a shower. Your hair is slightly damp from the steam, and it clings to your forehead. You didn’t know what to pack, since I didn’t tell you where we were going, so you’re wearing a pair of my pajamas, which look adorably large on you. You stand in the doorway, looking small and uncertain until your eyes light on me, and then you smile shyly. I cross the room and take your hand.
“The cool wood floor under your bare feet gives way to a plush rug as I guide you to stand by the bed. I help you up onto the bed. You sit near the foot while I climb up myself. I take your hand again and draw you toward me as I slide back until I’m leaning against the pillows at the head of the bed. You wait for a moment while I settle into a cross-legged position. Then I reach out and guide you into my lap, turning you so that my left arm is wrapped around your back and your right cheek rests against my chest. You can hear my heart beat… beat… beat… I raise my right hand and run it through your hair. A trace scent of pine sap clings to my fingers from where I built the fire earlier. Your face presses lightly against the pajamas I wear, nearly identical to the ones you’re wearing. You can smell the crisp, clean aroma of fabric softener, and beneath that, the mildly sweet scent of the oatmeal body wash I like.
“I press my fingertips against your forehead and begin to massage in little circles. Slowly, I make my way across your forehead to your temple, then down your cheek until I’m caressing the underside of your jaw. I make my way back by tiny degrees, over and over, each time moving toward the back of your head just a bit, until I’m burying my fingers in your hair and massaging your scalp. I open and close my hand in a rhythmic pattern, like a jellyfish swimming, moving all around the back of your head, and then down to your neck. I cuddle you closer while I squeeze and release, squeeze and release the back of your neck and your shoulders.
“You’re so relaxed now. I cradle you with my left arm and use my right hand to tuck your feet in closer to my legs. Then I unfold the quilt. I lean forward just a little so I can thread it around behind me and wrap it around both of us. I cover you completely, and only my head is sticking out. I lean back again, drawing you with me. It’s so warm and safe here. My arms around you, the quilt around both of us, and the walls of the cabin sheltering us. Layer upon layer of protection.
“Your breathing grows slow and steady. It won’t take much to send you to sleep, so I take that final step and start to hum, softly. Lullabies and quiet love songs that resonate in my chest. You can feel the vibrations in your own body.”
Marie set the laptop aside and began to hum into the telephone. For fully half an hour, she let flow every soothing melody she could think of and repeated herself when her repertoire ran out. Jenna had long since fallen silent, not even shifting in her bed.
At long last, Marie let the music trail off into silence. “Jenna?” she called softly. “Can you hear me?”
No reply came but the regular breathing of someone deeply asleep. Marie smiled fondly at a photo of her partner on her desktop before shutting down the computer. She switched off the light and sat in the darkness, just listening to Jenna breathe for several long minutes before terminating the phone call. She checked her alarm to make sure she’d wake up in time to give Jenna a little encouragement before her meeting in the morning, then lay down and waited for sleep to reclaim her.