Work Text:
“I don’t think this is working out.”
Jayce sighs, his eyes not leaving his notes. “Yeah, maybe we should go to bed and take a look at it tomorrow. Fresh eyes, you know?”
“No, I mean… I don’t think we are working out, Jayce.”
He whips his head around to face Viktor, eyes wide. “... What?”
“My friend Magdalena offered me a room at her place. I think… I will take her up on it.”
Jayce doesn’t say anything. He can’t — not through the lump in his throat.
“I’m sorry,” Viktor says, his voice breaking. His eyes are wet. Jayce suspects his own probably are too. “I’m sorry, I just… I can’t anymore. I can’t be in a relationship with you and work with you. I feel like… we don’t have time, or energy for each other. You make me… so angry sometimes and yet, you’re everywhere I go. Work, home, it’s just… it’s too much. I’m sorry.”
He’s right. As much as it hurts, Jayce knows he’s right — he knew this moment would be coming. He just didn’t have the heart to initiate it.
The truth is, living together, working together, being together as a couple, it’s put too much pressure on them as individuals. Maybe if they had more time for themselves and for one another, more energy to actually work on their issues, they could make it work. But they don’t. Jayce knows letting their relationship get in the way of their work is the last thing either of them need.
It still hurts, though. Four and a half years of working together, and nearly three of being together. It’s not an insignificant amount of time. It’s the longest relationship either of them has ever had.
Still, they’ve been fighting more. Jayce doesn’t remember the last time they said ‘I love you.’ They haven’t had sex in months, haven’t enjoyed a date night in ages. Somewhere along the way, they became oversaturated with each others’ presence. Being together became exhausting.
The thing is, Jayce still loves Viktor. Of course he still loves him. A part of him probably always will. Everything that drew him to his partner, everything he found so enigmatic and beautiful in the early days of their relationship, are still part of him — though those parts haven’t been able to come to light, lately. Not while they’ve both been depressed and exhausted from their futile attempts to hold their crumbling relationship together.
The most important parts of themselves got lost somewhere along the way. Jayce knows he needs to be on his own to find himself again. Viktor probably does too. It feels absolutely awful , but they don’t have any other choice.
“I love you,” Viktor says, breaking Jayce away from his thoughts. “I’m sorry.”
It’s probably the last time Jayce will hear those words coming from him. His head hurts, the ball in his throat growing impossibly bigger.
“I love you too,” Jayce chokes out. “I understand. I’m sorry too.”
. . .
Jayce hates Viktor.
Everything was fine at first. Breaking up seemed like the best thing they’d ever done for themselves, and for one another. Viktor moved out, they stopped seeing each other outside of work, and somehow their working relationship came out miraculously unscathed. In fact, they seemed to be working better together than they had in a long time. It was… honestly pretty sweet. It still stung, obviously. And Jayce still found himself yearning occasionally. But it was an overall better arrangement than before.
Until Viktor started acting cold. He stopped engaging in idle chit chat, stopped asking Jayce how he was doing. He stopped engaging in any conversation that had nothing to do with their work. He’d be dismissive, and distant, scowling or stone-faced more often than not. And even though their work was still progressing smoothly, it started eating away at Jayce and becoming impossible to ignore.
“Did I do something?” Jayce asks him one day, out of nowhere. They’re huddled over their workstation, soldering some wiring together. He pulls his mask off. “Something to offend you?”
“Hm?” Viktor asks, turning to face him. He doesn’t remove his own mask.
“You’ve barely spoken to me in weeks.”
“... I’m speaking to you right now, aren’t I?” There’s a faint drip of sarcasm in his voice. It’s enraging.
“I’m sorry, V, I didn’t think breaking up would mean we can’t treat each other like human beings!”
It comes out a little louder than intended. Calm down, Jayce. This isn’t the place for a meltdown .
Viktor looks away slightly. He’s quiet for a moment, before taking off his mask and setting it down on the table.
“I think I’m going to go home for the evening. We can’t work like this —”
“Fuck work!” Jayce spits. “Fuck all of this, why won’t you speak to me? Did I do something?”
Viktor returns his gaze, jaw clenched. His face looks cold as stone. “You’re overreacting. I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m here, aren’t I? Aren’t we carrying on as usual, as we planned?”
“This isn’t normal! Not for us!”
“Yes, because our ‘normal’ worked out so well, didn’t it?”
Jayce feels as though he’s been punched in the gut.
“I want to finish this project,” Viktor starts, his voice steady. “I want to finish our dissertation, complete our thesis defense, and then I’m going to move on. I’ve received word that I’ve been shortlisted for a postdoctoral program in Berlin. That is where I will likely be next academic year. Until then, I don’t have time to argue with you, anymore. I don’t have the energy for these… conversations. I just want to work. And then I will be out of your hair.”
Somehow, every word Viktor just said stings more than when he actually broke up with Jayce.
“Berlin?” Jayce breathes, his voice breaking. Before they had split, back when things were going well, they made a vague plan to find work with a local Bioengineering company, to prepare themselves before starting their own. He knew this plan would likely never come to fruition, given their break up and all. But they hadn’t actually talked about it.
Maybe a part of Jayce silently hoped they would continue working together, after everything. That their friendship and working relationship would stay intact, at least. Evidently, he’d been… misguided.
“Did you expect we would continue working together?” Viktor asks. It sounds like a rhetorical question. And then, the motherfucker has the audacity to scoff .
Jayce frowns, feeling his temples tense, his fists clench.
“I think it’s about time we made other plans, no?”
“Fuck you, Viktor.”
He’s out of the lab without a second thought.
. . .
Jayce returns to the lab a day later to find Viktor there, already working. They carry on as if nothing happened, the coldness mutual now.
Somehow, it does help with their work. They end up finishing their project and dissertation on time. They give their defense to the heads of the department, and they pass with flying colors. The environmentally adaptive hydraulic joints they developed for prostheses and exoskeletons actually work. Their contribution to the field is important . Their names have weight, now.
And yet, they feel more distant from one another than ever.
They don’t say a word to one another after their defense, opting instead to head their separate ways. Before leaving the university, Jayce finds a bottle of whiskey and a small card at his desk, with his name on it in familiar handwriting. He opens the card.
Jayce,
We did it. Thank you for everything.
V
Jayce breaks down.
. . .
He ends up drinking the whiskey with Caitlyn and Vi. They try their damndest to cheer him up, to no avail. He and Viktor’s breakup was hard on them too, with Viktor pulling away from his friendships with them as well. He figures they deserve this whiskey as much as he does.
“I hate him,” Jayce spits out, three glasses down. “I’m so angry at him, I can’t believe —”
“I know,” Caitlyn sighs, her arm around him, head resting on his shoulder. “I love you, Jayce. You deserved to be treated better.”
“That fucking asshole,” Vi grits out, taking a shot. “I hate him too.”
. . .
Life moves on, after that.
According to Viktor’s Linkedin, he’s in Berlin doing a postdoc research position in robotic prosthetics. Jayce ends up working for a biotech startup at home in Montreal. Caitlyn and Vi still live near him, his new coworkers are lively, interesting, brilliant people. His social life is healthier than it’s ever been.
He goes on dates for the first time since he and Viktor broke up, and eventually ends up meeting a gorgeous, intelligent, interesting woman named Mel. She works as a corporate executive for an investment company that deals in biotech. She takes Jayce to restaurants he never imagined himself going to, to the theater, to a lot of “high society” things that always felt kind of out of his reach. As much as he hates to admit it, it does feel kind of nice to get a taste of some of the finer things in life. Jayce hopes their relationship lasts.
. . .
Caitlyn and Vi don’t like Mel.
They don’t readily admit it, but their first experience inviting Mel over for a night of drinks doesn’t exactly go superbly. Mel seems uncomfortable and out of her element, and doesn’t feel like pounding whiskey and getting high with the rest of them. It’s not like she did anything wrong — it just didn’t fit. She ends up leaving after a few hours, saying she feels tired.
“She was nice,” Caitlyn says afterward, sipping her drink.
Jayce tilts his head. “Yeah?”
“She seems really rich,” Vi adds, swirling her glass of bourbon, her words slightly slurred. “Nothin’ wrong with that, except I hate it.”
Vi snorts, and Jayce can’t help but laugh, too. He’s drunk, alright? Sue him.
“She… is very rich, yeah.”
“Called it,” Vi replies, winking. They don’t really revisit talking about Mel after that.
It’s only later, when the anxiety is kind of eating at him, that Jayce ends up bringing it up with Cait.
“Be honest, what are you thinking?” he asks her on the balcony.
Caitlyn sighs, taking a drag of her cigarette. “She does seem lovely, Jayce. I just don’t see it.”
“What do you mean?”
She purses her lips, considering. “You know when someone you love finds someone that compliments them incredibly well? You look at them together and you understand exactly why they love one another so deeply. It’s hard to put into words. I don’t feel that way about you and Mel, right now. I’m open to being wrong, though.”
Jayce nods, mildly disappointed, though he’d rather Caitlyn be honest with him than sugar coat things. He’s not angry.
They stand in silence for a few moments, nursing their cigarettes. A nagging thought occurs to Jayce, growing more bothersome by the second. Finally, he can’t really hold it in any longer.
“Is that how you felt about me and Viktor?”
Caitlyn looks at him, her eyes sad, mouth shut tight. She doesn’t say anything. Jayce realizes that’s an answer in itself.
. . .
Jayce does love Mel. Their relationship feels completely different than his and Viktor’s did, but it’s still good, despite not having known her very long. He loves who he is when he’s with Mel, too — she makes him feel sophisticated, classy, important . Less like himself. That feeling kind of has him hooked.
. . .
The International Conference on Biotechnology and Bioengineering will be coming to Montreal shortly, and Jayce will obviously be going. It’s awfully convenient that it’s taking place in the city Jayce lives in. Mel will be attending too, and she suggests getting a room at the hotel anyway to pretend they’re on vacation. It will coincide with their six month anniversary, which is also pretty sweet. Jayce is looking forward to it.
However, upon reading the itinerary, Jayce’s heart drops.
Thursday 10 AM - 11 AM
Viktor Sidorov
“Development of novel polycarbonate robotic prosthetics for transfemoral amputees”
Oh. Well, shit.
“Isn’t that your old colleague?” Mel asks, looking at his laptop screen over his shoulder.
“Yeah,” Jayce replies. He doesn’t have much else to say.
The thing is, Mel doesn’t actually know that he and Viktor were together, for a time. Jayce has been doing particularly well conveniently ignoring that fact to avoid revisiting it. As time went on, Jayce kind of just… didn’t talk about it. Mel doesn’t speak that openly about her past relationships either, so he figures it’s fine.
He hopes it’s fine. He hopes things don’t end up… awkward.
. . .
The first night of the conference, Jayce is with Mel at the hotel bar. She’s schmoozing with another investor, while he anxiously scans the room, nursing his whiskey sour.
He hasn’t seen Viktor for two years. They haven’t spoken at all since. Jayce knows they might end up crossing paths sometime over the next few days, and he kind of wants to get it over with.
He’s expecting eye contact, maybe a nod. That’s it, really. Just a faint acknowledgement of each other’s presence and a mutual, silent agreement to let things be. That would put his mind and heart at ease.
Just when Jayce figures he won’t be running into his old colleague tonight after all, he spots Viktor across the bar. He startles for a moment, taken aback at how… different Viktor looks.
His hair is shorter, for one. It’s not long enough to tie into a tiny ponytail anymore, though there’s still enough of it to push out of his face. What’s more unexpected, is that both his arms are covered in intricate black tattoos. He’s wearing a casual black t-shirt and jeans, looking more informal than most of the conference-goers in the room.
He's wearing rounded wire-framed glasses, too. Before, Viktor's glasses were rectangular and only used for reading. He didn't need them for anything else.
When he turns his head, Jayce notices his right nostril is pierced, sporting a silver ring. Damn . Berlin… did things to him.
Viktor's chatting kind of animatedly with a bald man in a button-down and slacks. Jayce notices the cane resting against the bar next to him is different from his old one. He's not sure why that's unsettling, too.
Jayce has never been the biggest fan of change, really. Even the smallest, most insignificant changes have a way of setting him off.
He doesn't mean to keep staring so long. He does a bad job of it, though. Viktor's conversation partner excuses himself, and he's now alone. He turns, and Jayce's staring catches his attention completely by accident. They lock eyes, and Jayce feels his blood run cold.
Viktor looks surprised, a little shocked, even. Jayce imagines their expressions are likely similar right now — eyes wide, brows raised, mouths ever so slightly agape. Viktor blinks, his eyes fixated on Jayce's. And after what feels like an eternity…
He smiles. It's small, but unmistakably there.
Suddenly, Jayce feels like he's back at conferences three years ago, where he and Viktor would reluctantly "network" with random biotech people at hotel bars, itching to just go home and watch TV in their underwear. They'd smile at one another across the room, knowing they were thinking of one another, that this corporatized event wasn't really their scene , that they were in solidarity with one another.
Jayce, taking himself by complete surprise, smiles back.
He can't remember the last time they smiled at one another.
"Excuse me," he says to Mel, a hand on her shoulder. He takes his drink and walks around the bar towards his old partner. Viktor's eyes follow him the entire way.
"Hi," is all he says once he reaches Viktor. He's not really sure what to expect.
"Hello, Jayce," Viktor replies, leaning against the bar. He smiles a tad wider.
Suddenly overcome with inspiration, Jayce slips next to Viktor and waves the bartender over.
"A whiskey sour and a dry vodka martini, please. On my tab."
Viktor's raising an eyebrow when he turns to face him again.
"Whiskey sour? That's new."
"Yeah… I dunno, got sick of old fashioneds.
Viktor blinks, still smiling. "I never thought I'd see the day."
It feels easy, all of a sudden. It's… weird.
"Thank you," Viktor continues. "The next one is on me."
Jayce waves a hand. "Nah, I owe you a drink. Several, actually. Thanks for the whiskey, after our dissertation. I'm… sorry I didn't get you anything."
He does feel a tad remorseful, despite the anger he felt that day.
"No, no…" Viktor sighs, his face falling. "I didn't expect you to. Not with how I had been acting."
Jayce startles at the admission. He hadn't anticipated that.
"Did you enjoy it? The bottle?"
Jayce huffs a laugh, shaking his head. "I finished it the night you gave it to me, with Cait and Vi. We… got wasted and bitched about you. It was cathartic."
Viktor, shockingly, laughs pretty hard at that. God , Jayce missed his laugh. The bartender slides their drinks over. He takes his own and hands Viktor his martini.
"They must despise me," Viktor says after a beat, a note of sadness in his voice. They clink their glasses together and take a sip.
"I mean… yeah, kinda. They also miss you. I think at this point they miss you more than they hate you."
It's kind of a silent admission, on Jayce's part. He hadn't realized until it was out of his mouth.
Viktor doesn't say anything, yet. He swirls his drink, a sad smile ghosting across his face. Jayce takes another sip, mostly to give his hands something to do.
"I am sorry for pushing you away," Viktor says after a minute. "I had to, to retain my sanity. Breaking up with you was one of the most painful experiences of my life."
He says it so frank, so blunt. It takes Jayce by surprise. It's been ages since Jayce has talked openly about their breakup to… anyone.
Viktor doesn't seem like he's done. "I needed space. But there were other ways I could have asked for it rather than taking it by force." He meets Jayce's gaze. "I am truly sorry. I'm sure it made things harder for you than they needed to be."
Jayce loses the air in his lungs. He scrunches up his face involuntarily, feeling a ball grow in his throat.
"Thank you… for saying that. It means a lot."
The honesty isn't the only thing that's doing it for him. It's also the fact that Viktor, despite looking different, seems more like himself — like the person Jayce knew intimately before things went to shit.
The Viktor he was in love with.
It sends warmth down his spine.
"Hello," a melodic British voice interrupts. It startles both of them. Jayce turns to see Mel joining them, her purse in hand.
"Hi!" Jayce greets, suddenly keenly aware of his own breathing.
Mel offers Viktor a smile. "To whom do we owe the pleasure?"
"This is Viktor, my old partner."
Jayce wonders if the word "partner" sounds suspicious. Mel doesn't seem to notice.
"Oh, lovely to meet you!" she exclaims, offering Viktor her hand. He takes it, glancing at her ID tag. Unsurprisingly, he becomes relatively stone-faced.
Viktor always hated investors.
"Viktor, this is Mel… my girlfriend."
He can feel himself sweating.
Viktor's eyebrows shoot up. He nods. "Nice to meet you too."
Mel turns to face Jayce, placing a hand on his bicep.
"I'm going to head back to the room for the evening. Will you join?"
"Ah, not yet," he replies, glancing between them. "I haven't seen Viktor in years, so I'm going to catch up with him. See you in the room?"
Mel blinks. She smiles, nodding. "Sounds good, enjoy yourselves! I'll see you later."
She kisses him, a quick chaste peck on the lips. Then she's gone.
Viktor doesn't say anything right away. Instead, he swirls his martini, staring at it.
"You know," he starts, "these glasses are highly impractical drinking vessels. But they're so aesthetically pleasing, we use them anyway."
Jayce chuckles, raising an eyebrow. "Are you drunk, V?
Viktor shrugs with one shoulder. "Eh, I could be drunker."
He raises an eyebrow at Jayce, a mischievous glint in his eye.
"Do you want to take a pitcher of bourbon lemonade to one of those couches over there? I would rather shit in my hands and clap than listen to another minute of networking drivel."
Jayce startles. He laughs, incredulous. His ex always had such a way with words. "You know what? Fuck yeah."
"Good." Viktor nods, before turning to the bartender.
. . .
They get plastered.
Most of their conversation is spent bitching about conferences, about networking, about investors and academia. About bureaucracy, red tape, capitalism paving over good ideas that would be worth developing. Viktor hates that his projects are always at the mercy of funding, and Jayce hates that he's spent the past two years developing other people's ideas.
It's the most cathartic conversation he's had in a very long time.
Jayce hadn't realized how unlike himself he'd been feeling, nearly always surrounded by colleagues and people generally involved in his industry. He'd forgotten that Viktor used to be his safe haven in all of it — a scientist with the same intolerance to bullshit as himself.
At some point along the way, Jayce had started tolerating the bullshit. He'd started seeing it as a game that needed to be played to further his own goals. But he'd been neglecting a part of himself — the part that hated what the industry was. How it crushed genuinely good ideas for the sake of profit, of "progress".
He finds himself remembering the entire reason he and Viktor started working together in the first place — wanting to improve lives. Wanting to make the world a better place, if only for a small number of marginalized people.
"We lost our dream," Viktor says, slurring his words a tad. He's lounging, sunken into the couch. "It's not here, among all these bullshit investors and academics. We need to do it ourselves."
Jayce nods, thoughtful. They're halfway into their second pitcher, and his mind is completely buzzing. "You think it's possible?"
"Maybe," Viktor shrugs. There's something dangerous in his eyes. "We haven't fully tried yet, have we?"
Jayce frowns. As much as it pains him, he remembers how abysmally their first attempt at working together ended.
"I've been to therapy, you know."
He glances at Viktor, taken aback. His old friend just looks back at him, focused.
"I went to therapy after I almost died. I went when I started transitioning and my parents stopped speaking to me. And I went after we parted ways."
It's so incredibly blunt, Jayce is having a hard time processing.
"Our relationship was the backbone of our dream, Jayce. And we let it die. I let it die, honestly. But there was no dream without it. We may not be together anymore, but I want you to know I haven't met another person I trust enough to share this dream with. I've done a… lot of processing, and if you're willing, we can work together again. But we'd need to learn to be genuine friends, first."
Jayce blinks. It's… a little overwhelming.
"So you're saying …?"
"We don't need to actually plan anything. But let's keep in touch, please. I want to work on getting to a point where our respect and kindness for one another are unconditional. It's a prerequisite to working together. And I'm sorry I wasn't kind to you, at the end. It's one of the biggest regrets of my life."
It's touching, is what it is.
"I thought you had stopped caring about me," Jayce confesses, his voice weak. Viktor shakes his head, before tentatively touching his hand with the back of a finger.
"Never. I just… couldn't stand being around you because I was grieving the loss of the most important relationship I had ever had. It was never personal."
It's as if a weight lifts from Jayce's chest — one that's been there over two years. He'd gotten so used to it, he thought it'd become a part of him.
Evidently not.
. . .
It's 1 in the morning when Jayce finally, reluctantly heads back to his room. Viktor's talk is at 10 AM tomorrow after all.
His old friend insisted that being hungover might actually help him with his talk, given his fear of public speaking. Jayce wished him luck, and promised he would attend.
Mel is in bed reading a book when he enters their room.
"You're back," she says, her face serious. "I had called a few times to check in."
"Ah, sorry," Jayce supplies, walking over to her and giving her a kiss. "Lots of talking, catching up, you know."
"Are you drunk?" she asks, her face scrunched up. Jayce can't help but laugh at that as he sits on the bed beside her.
"Yeah, we shared a couple pitchers."
Mel doesn't seem entertained.
"I had no idea you and Viktor were… so close. You never mention him."
"We dated for three years, actually."
It just slips out before he can really think. Once it does, though, he immediately regrets if. Mel's face twists into shock.
"... What?"
"Well… yeah." He tries not to panic, averting his eyes. "It… it was a rough split. I don't like talking about it, so I… didn't. We lived together, worked together. We were in a relationship until a bit before we got our PhDs."
Mel frowns when he looks at her again. His gut sinks like a lead weight.
"Do you mean to tell me you spent the night of our six month anniversary getting wasted with your ex? I thought we'd have a night in together, after the function."
… Shit. Shit shit shit —
"My God, Mel, I'm —"
"An ex you never bothered to tell me about?"
"I don't know about your exes! It's not something we talk about!"
"You'd know about them if I ever introduce you to one, if I end up spending an evening with one —"
"I'm sorry," Jayce grits out. He pinches the bridge of his nose, trying to think clearly. "I fucked up, I know. I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary. I should have told you about Viktor." He looks up at her, eyes wide. "Let's… do something tomorrow. Let's get dinner nearby, there's a place —"
"I'm supposed to meet with some investors from Pfizer tomorrow. There's a networking event —"
" Fuck that," Jayce interrupts, unable to help himself. "Fuck Pfizer and their bullshit. Those events are just posturing anyway."
Mel glares at him. "Excuse me? These events are my job."
"A job that makes you ridiculously rich while ignoring the people who could stand to benefit most from your investments ."
He's definitely done it, now. One night with Viktor, and Mel's spell is already broken. How Jayce hadn't seen how he'd been ignoring his own ideals while living to please her, he'll never actually know. But he can't unsee it now.
"I am invested in helping people, Jayce."
"Then invest in Viktor. Invest in prosthetics, or something. Amputees don't get shit all from you folks."
Mel's eyes are as cold as ice. She gets up and pulls on a pair of jeans.
"I'm ending this conversation. You're wasted. Nothing productive is going to come of this. I'm going home for the night. We can talk tomorrow."
Jayce considers this. She's definitely right. He's already created enough carnage as it is.
Mel grabs her purse. "Goodnight, Jayce."
The door clicks behind her, and Jayce is left all alone.
. . .
He attends Viktor's talk at 10 AM the next day. It's a good distraction from last night's events.
The talk is very good. If Viktor's anywhere near as hungover as Jayce, he honestly deserves a gold star for hiding it. He's not the most comfortable public speaker, but he makes up for it in content. His ideas are brilliant, as always, and he has knack for explaining them in words that are clear, concise, and accessible.
In true Viktor fashion, he built a prototype prosthesis for himself as a means of testing his ideas. He shows it to the audience, demonstrating how the weight of the material makes the hydraulic joint system smoother. When he cites their previous work, Jayce is hit with a beam of pride.
"You did great," he tells Viktor afterward, in the hall. His old friend smiles, exhaling.
"I was nervous. I hope it wasn't obvious."
"Not too obvious," Jayce chuckles. He offers a comforting squeeze of the shoulder. "Half the people here are nervous public speakers anyway. You didn't stand out, I promise. It was a great talk, and your leg is fucking awesome."
Viktor beams. "Thank you. It means a lot coming from you."
. . .
He meets with Mel for a late lunch. They go to a nearby cafe that serves six dollar lattes and fourteen dollar sandwiches. Jayce kind of hates it.
"You were right," Mel starts, "about some things. I could stand to be more invested in actually improving lives."
Jayce blinks, taken aback.
"I'm going to reach out to projects like Viktor's and offer aid."
"That's… that's great news, babe."
"However," she adds, her face pained. "On a personal note, I am quite hurt by what happened last night. I've done some thinking, and I don't think it would be healthy for me to continue dating you."
Jayce's face falls.
"I feel like my trust has been violated. If we'd been together longer, if we had a stronger foundation, I might be willing to continue our relationship and work things out. But as it stands right now, I don't feel good about continuing things."
He hates how much sense she's making.
"I feel like I barely know you, Jayce. I have a lot of respect for you, I think you're brilliant and incredibly kind, but…"
She sighs, her eyes wet.
"I can't love or trust someone who withholds important details from me about their past, or who forgets important dates we'd planned in advance. I have no reason to trust you wouldn't do it again, and I don't want to experience this hurt twice. I'm sorry."
Jayce nods, his own eyes welling up. "I'm sorry too, for what it's worth. I was… I hope you can forgive me in time."
Mel nods, smiling sadly. "In time. Thank you, Jayce. I had a wonderful few months with you."
She takes his hand, squeezing it.
"I did too, Mel. Thank you."
. . .
He ends up at a cheap dive bar in Chinatown with Viktor that night. They serve $2 shots and $4 pints. Jayce loves it.
"I got dumped today," is the first thing out of his mouth the moment they sit down. He’s definitely feeling bummed, but socializing has helped significantly.
Viktor blinks, eyes wide. "I'm… sorry. What happened?"
"I broke her trust by getting wasted with my ex and forgetting about our anniversary plans."
His companion's eyes grow wider.
"She also didn't know you were my ex, cause I only told her after I got back to the room last night."
Viktor is still staring at him, incredulous.
"So… yeah, I fucked up. Big time."
He downs a shot.
"She doesn't hate me, we parted on relatively okay terms. But… yeah. Not my best."
Viktor blinks, processing. "I'm sorry, you did what ?"
Jayce laughs, surprising himself. "Yeah I kinda deserved to get dumped. I wouldn't date me after that."
"Have you told Caitlyn and Vi?"
"Not yet," Jayce replies. He considers this. "Should I invite them out?"
"Would they mind seeing me?"
"They'll probably bitch you out a bit," Jayce laughs. "But they miss you."
Viktor nods. "Be my guest, then."
Cait and Vi
> hey, wanna come drink in chinatown with me and viktor? Were at the dive bar
Vi
>UHH WHAT
>DRINKING WITH THE ENEMY??
>YES
Jayce smiles. "Looks like they're down."
> also mel dumped me because i forgot our anniversary plans and got wasted with viktor at the hotel bar instead
> also she didnt know we dated cause i didnt tell her until after i got home
Cait
>... excuse me?
Vi
> OMFG
> KING SHIT
Cait
> I would dump you twice, my god
Jayce huffs a laugh again, but it's a little hollow. The thing is, he's been kind of trying to distract himself from thinking about everything that went down after he got back to the room last night. How in less than 24 hours, he went from being in a solid 6-month relationship to single and drinking with Viktor , of all people — the same person whose reappearance in his life catalyzed the events that unfolded.
It happened so quickly, so easily. He hadn't seen any of it coming.
A part of him does actually feel… terrible , honestly. He didn't think he could be that kind guy. Mel's probably with her friends right now talking about how much of an ass he is for dropping the ball so hard, and they'd be right to .
Does he regret it? Definitely. Jayce wounded someone he loves. He hurt his own pride, too.
But then again, if it'd been that easy to let things fall apart, what had been keeping them together in the first place?
"Are you alright?" Viktor asks him, tearing him away from his thought spiral.
"No," Jayce answers. He takes a heavy sip of his drink.
"... Fair," Viktor replies. He takes a drink too, eyes distant.
It's awkward, all of a sudden. His longest relationship since breaking up with Viktor just ended because he spent a night getting plastered with… Viktor.
And here they are, doing the exact same shit.
Jayce might be the absolute king of bad decisions.
"I'm… sorry," Viktor says suddenly, stilted. "I feel somewhat… responsible."
"You shouldn't," Jayce replies, quickly. "It was all me."
Here's the thing — if he could go back in time for a do-over of the last 24 hours, Jayce wouldn't change a single thing. He doesn't want to think about what this means. But it feels loud. It's hard to ignore.
They're looking at one another, and Viktor has this soft, puzzled look about him like he's doing mental calculus. Jayce is suddenly flooded with repressed memories of Viktor making that exact face in a million contexts — at the lab, cooking dinner, before taking Jayce's hand and putting it on himself for the first time.
How electrifying it felt that time and so many times after that. How Viktor wanting him struck this base part of him that just wants to be laid bare and seen for who he is, no pretenses or assumptions or posturing. How he never felt afraid to be his messy, unsure, chaotic self. How pretending not to be himself was how Mel fell in love with him. How he didn't realize he was doing it until he couldn't anymore.
Fuck, that's… that's a realization and a half.
He can't pretend around Viktor. He missed it so fucking badly.
Viktor's like that too — he doesn't pretend. Usually. That's why it hurt so bad when he got cold. Jayce was used to taking him at his word, used to trusting everything that came out of him.
"I'm sorry," Viktor ends up saying. "I'm sorry it ended. Ruptures are… hard. How do you want to spend the evening? I don't need to be part of… I can go back, if you need time with your friends."
"You are my friend," Jayce says without thinking about how absurd that sounds. He takes a sip to continue not thinking about it.
"A friend that got you dumped," Viktor points out. Jayce is glad he didn’t fight him on the “friend” bit.
"Something would have made it happen anyway. Might as well have been you."
It's meant to be a joke, or something. Viktor just shrugs, still unsure.
"I want you here," Jayce clarifies, meeting Viktor's gaze. "If it's too weird then leave, by all means. Wouldn't hold it against you. But… yeah. I want you to stay. If you want to."
Viktor nods. He smiles, tentatively. Jayce realizes he's smiling too.
. . .
Vi shrieks when she sees Viktor.
"YOU HAVE TWO WHOLE SLEEVES?"
He’s engulfed in one of her hugs before he can even process it. Jayce only looks on from his barstool, incapable of not smiling.
“I, uh, yes,” Viktor stammers, squeezed. Caitlyn offers him a much less suffocating hug right afterward.
“It’s good to see you again,” she offers, warm. Viktor still kind of looks like he’s about to jump out of his own skin.
“... Really? I… I’m sorry I didn’t keep in touch.”
“You should be, asshole,” Vi retorts, still smiling. She crosses her arms. “I was so fucking mad at you for being a dick to Jayce, just so you know.”
“Yes,” Viktor nods, blinking. “I… gathered. I, uh—”
“It’s all good,” Jayce interrupts, worried they might start actually torturing him. He waves a hand. “No need to dust up old wounds. Not tonight.”
Vi considers this. She nods, pursing her lips. “Alright, then. I won’t be a dick, either. Shots?”
Jayce sighs. “ God, yes. It’s been a day.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” Caitlyn offers. Jayce only shakes his head.
“Nope. I want to listen to my friends talk to each other and nurse my drink. And I want shawarma later.”
Vi shoots him a finger gun. “You got it.”
They snag a table. They take their shots. Vi and Caitlyn start idly asking about the conference and chatting about their weeks, and it’s oddly normal. Jayce knows it’s not forever — Viktor doesn’t even live on this side of the Atlantic — but it’s nice . It feels like how things ought to be.
. . .
The whole ‘getting plastered with Viktor two nights in a row’ thing might actually have been a terrible idea after all.
The more alcohol is in his system, the longer they spend at the bar, the more Viktor loosens up and starts acting more and more like his most comfortable self — Jayce can’t help but… yearn .
And he hates yearning. It’s exhausting.
It’s probably the post-breakup hangover that’s doing things to his mind.
Viktor’s telling them about how clubs in Berlin don’t allow phones, and how it kind of helped him get out of his head and feel comfortable going for the first time in his life. Jayce, selfishly, can’t help but feel like he wishes he could have been there with him.
The fact that Viktor has an entire life on the other side of an ocean is kind of heartbreaking. Why Jayce is currently feeling more heartbroken over that than his breakup that literally happened today, he doesn’t really want to process.
It’s a good distraction, though. Choosing something else to yearn for, that is. It’s making the split sting a little less.
Sue him. He’s allowed to have unhealthy coping mechanisms. It’s not the only one.
“I’m gonna smoke,” he announces suddenly. “Anyone wanna join?”
It takes his companions a second to process. Fair enough, given Jayce hasn’t said a word in maybe an hour.
“... Yes,” Viktor replies. “I need to go to the washroom first, actually, but I’ll join you right after.”
He gets up, grabs his cane, and disappears. Once he’s out of earshot, Vi raises an eyebrow at Jayce.
“So… are you lookin’ for alone time with him, or…?”
She trails off, eyes widening after seeing what Jayce’s face is doing. He isn’t even sure what his face is doing, but he’s glad it’s working.
“ — Fair, we don’t need to go there.”
Things are wavy when he stands up, but he beelines for the front door nonetheless. The bar is suddenly kind of claustrophobic, and Jayce needs fresh air to cleanse his head. He doesn’t even have a pack of cigarettes on hand — slipping into the dep across the street, or bumming one off a hot stranger both seem like his only options at the moment. He doesn’t see any hot strangers right away, so he opts for the former.
Seeing Viktor with Caitlyn and Vi is kind of unlocking a bunch of shit he thought he’d stowed away for good. For a long while after their breakup, the unpleasant, difficult memories kind of won out. It was easy to forget about the good when he was so focused on how things ended.
But the thing is, most of those three years were incredible . For the first time in Jayce’s life, he felt like he’d been building a home for himself. And Viktor…
Well. Viktor was the best friend he’s ever had his entire life. It only took two days of seeing him again to be reminded of this incredibly sad fact.
Holy fuck , did he miss this.
His eyes are wet when he returns to the alley by the bar, Viktor already leaning against the brick wall with a cigarette of his own, his cane propped up next to him. He chuckles upon seeing the pack in Jayce’s hand.
“I had some, you didn’t need to buy —”
Seeing Jayce’s face cuts him off. His eyes widen slightly, but he doesn’t say anything. He only hands over his lighter after a beat.
A familiar, comfortable silence washes over them. They smoke in silence for a couple minutes, Jayce watching the occasional car drive down the street. One thing he always appreciates is that Viktor knows when not to ask what’s wrong.
This — knowing someone without words, feeling seen without a lick of effort — is a kind of magic. There are three people in the world who know Jayce like this, and he’s been in love with only one of them. Once you experience that kind of magic with romance —
— There’s no going back. It fucking sucks, but Jayce and Mel never stood a chance.
He grimaces, eyes welling up again. “I missed you so fucking much, V.”
It comes out choked. He wipes his eyes with the back of his hand, defiant. Viktor’s eyes twitch, his face full of understanding. He cries a lot less easily than Jayce does because of the testosterone he takes — another detail etched into Jayce’s mind like a brand.
“I missed you too, Jayce,” Viktor replies, his voice cracking.
Jayce is moving, his body propelled forward of its own accord, and he’s wrapping his arms around Viktor, one arm around his waist, one over his shoulder. Viktor startles for a moment before reciprocating, his hands squeezing Jayce’s torso tight. They’re still holding their cigarettes — it’s stopping them from fully committing to the hug with their entire being — but Jayce doesn’t mind at all.
Viktor’s warm. His head smells like faint musk and green apple Head & Shoulders, just like it always did. Jayce buries his face harder into the crook of Viktor’s neck, savouring the skin-to-skin contact.
He feels something breaking inside himself. He might be the king of bad decisions, but he's not stupid, nor oblivious. Sometimes his bad decisions are done on purpose. Sometimes they’re knowingly bad, and he makes them anyway.
Jayce kisses Viktor’s neck, soft at first, then more insistent. About three kisses in —
Viktor pulls his hands off Jayce, and pulls away to lean back against the brick wall once again.
There’s a hollowness left in his stead. Jayce is afraid to look at his face, but he does anyway. It’s not pitying, thankfully… but there’s something else there.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now,” Viktor says.
Right now? Does that mean they can table it for later?
“Does that mean we can table it for later?” Jayce replies without thinking.
See, the way he sees it, they have nothing to lose. They’ve only known each other again for two days, and that’s barely anything. If this is a dumb mistake, Viktor’s going back home at the end of the week anyway. It’s not like anything will come out of it, right?
“Jayce —”
“I’ve thought about it, I know you have. You must have —”
There’s no way he hasn’t thought about it. Not when Jayce can’t stop thinking about it. You can’t unknow someone from the inside out — not when you knew everything for a really fucking long time.
“One night,” Jayce suggests. He doesn’t think he sounds desperate, thank God. “You’re leaving soon anyway, what’s one night?”
“I’m moving back. Probably in the winter.”
Jayce blinks.
That’s… that’s news.
“So no,” Viktor continues, a smirk ghosting his face. “As much as part of me would love to be stupid right now, I can’t risk losing three of the only people who mean something to me in this city. Not again, and not when I’ll be living here again soon. It’s… a new thing I’m trying, where I tread carefully.”
“You?” Jayce scoffs, chuckling.
“Yes,” he nods. "I don't really feel like taking risks with my heart right now."
As much as Jayce wants to linger on the bit about a part of him that “would love to be stupid,” he… can’t. He wants to believe they could just fuck out all their pent up longing in one night and be done with it, but that’s probably not how these things work. Jayce may be in the kind of mood that makes him want to take risks, but he can't blame Viktor for not sharing the same sentiment.
“That’s… that’s really fair. I won’t push it.” Jayce takes a breath, steadying himself. “We good?”
“Very,” Viktor assures him. He smiles, softly, taking a final drag of his cigarette before putting it out against the brick wall and hanging onto it. He always waits to dispose of his cig butts properly. It’s another detail Jayce can’t forget.
God. He is so incredibly fucked.
. . .
Given they won't be stupid together, Jayce decides he can always go at it alone.
For the first time since they split, he lets himself think about the sex they had without guilt, without deliberately trying to avoid it.
Drunk masturbating to memories of your ex is one way to get over a breakup, Jayce figures. It wouldn't be his worst move, really.
Gripping his cock, he remembers how Viktor would get bossy and demanding, how he'd stick two fingers in Jayce's mouth to shut him up. He'd suck them, and lick them, coaxing Viktor to give in and let him suck his cock. Sometimes, they'd be able to draw it out, Jayce blowing his fingers and teasing him for longer than expected. They'd both be hard and leaking, waiting to see who would crack first. It was nearly always Jayce.
On days Viktor was feeling especially energetic, he'd keep his leg on and wear a dick sheath. Jayce would try to deepthroat him, choking on his cock, a merciless hand on the back of his head. Sometimes Jayce would lie on his front, sometimes on his back, and Viktor would lick and finger his ass to oblivion before slowly, deliberately entering him. He'd take his time at first, longer strokes to get both of them warmed up.
He remembers what it was like to get pounded, Viktor biting into his neck and licking into his mouth. How Viktor's face looks when he loses himself, eyes bleary and pupils blown wide, mouth agape.
He's stroking himself faster now, teasing his hole with his other hand.
Viktor used to squeeze his ass, one cheek in each hand, while fucking him from behind. It was heavenly .
It doesn't take Jayce long before he's coming all over his hand, muffling his groans with his forearm.
He takes one, two breaths before —
" YOU DONE? I NEED TO PISS!" He hears through the wall. The voice is distinctly Vi, and distinctly agitated.
Right. He's sitting on the toilet in the bar. Upon realizing their bathrooms were just a room with a single toilet and a lock, Jayce figured he should take advantage. Propositioning Viktor kind of got him in a mood , and he knew he wouldn't be able to function like a normal human without taking care of… things.
"I'm coming!" He yells, frantically wiping his hand and dick with toilet paper while trying not to laugh at his own double entendre.
This might just be the messiest twenty-four hours of his life. No… no, scratch that, it definitely is. What the fuck is happening to him?
He has no regrets, though. In fact, he feels fucking awesome —
— Until Vi shoots him a look when he exits the washroom, and Viktor shoots him a distinctly different look when he sits at their table again.
… Oh God. He hopes Viktor doesn’t recognize his post-orgasm face.
Viktor raises an eyebrow, and Jayce braces himself.
“I’m not going to ask.”
Oh God. Oh God, he does.
But before Jayce can process his own humiliation, Viktor turns to Caitlyn and asks her how her thesis is going. She doesn’t seem to notice anything, thankfully, too tipsy to really catch whatever Jayce’s face is doing.
Nice . Looks like he’s in the clear. The good news is, he’s not horny anymore — he’s actually surprisingly clear-headed, all things considered. Perhaps this is the start of the part of the night where he stops making a total fool of himself, and starts only being a normal level of foolish.
He already got dumped and rejected today. What else could possibly go wrong?
. . .
They somehow manage to drink more. Jayce has kind of lost count of the number of shots he’s taken. Hey , he’s not trying to be some sort of role-model , here. This is his night to be a total dumbass, and he’s not going to waste it thankyouverymuch.
Viktor’s loosened up a bit too, which is… so fucking cute. Jayce can totally admire how cute he is, alright? He’s made his peace with not banging him for the foreseeable future, maybe ever . So it’s fine! Really. Jayce finds all his friends cute. Caitlyn? Cute! Wouldn’t bang her because that would be weird as hell, but he can appreciate aesthetics. And Vi? Also cute!
… Okay, maybe less cute, more hot in a ‘step on me’ kind of way. Oh God , did he just admit that to himself? He should like, only drink Perrier or something for the next month, Jesus Christ.
Anyway, his point is that Viktor is cute and Jayce is allowed to think that, okay? He’s not being weird about it, he swears!
They’ve left the bar, wanting some fresh air. Viktor somehow managed to roll a perfectly cylindrical and expertly-packed joint in his lap while they were still at the table, without drawing any attention from the staff. It was charming and nostalgic as hell. Jayce is so happy he’s here.
Outside, they smoke it. Vi is getting more loud by the minute, talking about how she challenged some guy at the punching gym to a Zorbing match because he looked at her weird. She has no idea how to Zorb, nor where to find one. She just thought it’d be funny.
Viktor laughs almost hysterically, desperately leaning on his cane for support. It’s a sight to behold — there aren’t many people in the world that can make him laugh as hard as Vi does. Jayce is just happy he gets to witness all of it. He chose some fucking good people to love.
Watching Viktor smile, laugh, inhale and exhale the smoke from his joint — it’s drawing Jayce in again. He’s well aware of the effect it’s having on him, and he vows to be smart this time. Boundaries are a thing after all, and he’s not one to ignore them.
“Hey,” he whispers in Viktor’s ear while Vi and Caitlyn have each other’s attention. “You know what I want?”
He swears Viktor leans into it, bearing his neck slightly. Fuck .
“What do you want?” he asks, shooting him slight side-eye.
Jayce leans in further. “ I want… shawarma .”
It breaks the spell — the effect he intended. Viktor laughs, quietly this time. “You always want shawarma.”
“I bet you miss it, Berlin probably has terrible shawarma.”
Viktor purses his lips in thought. “It’s better than here, frankly.”
“Oh fuck off —”
“Prove me wrong then.” Viktor meets his gaze, their eyes clicking together. “Remind me what’s so special about it over here.”
Jayce takes a dramatic inhale. “Viktor, I swear you will regret ever doubting me. I’m gonna get you the best goddamn —”
“Yo,” Vi interrupts, holding the joint three centimeters from her face. “Food?
“ Fuck yeah ,” Caitlyn grins. Dear God, Jayce loves when Caitlyn gets vulgar. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does he knows things are going in the right direction.
It’s a deal then. They put out the joint and head off, Jayce insisting they go to the good place that’s twice as far away in the complete opposite direction of where they’re crashing. It’ll be worth it, he swears.
. . .
It’s totally worth it. Jayce swears he sees Viktor’s eyes flutter back in his head after his first bite. They’re seated on the curb of the street, drunk people walking the street in front of them. It’s not super busy given it’s a Thursday, but the night is lively all the same.
The nostalgia is incredible. The four of them used to do this on nights out back when…
Before. Back when things were the way they were.
It almost feels like nothing changed. It’s similar energy, and it makes Jayce’s heart swell. The only obvious difference is that he and Viktor aren’t… y’know. A thing . But maybe… maybe not being a thing is actually not a bad idea.
Maybe they can be friends, actually.
“Okay,” Viktor mumbles with his mouth full. “I think… this might be better than the shawarma in Berlin.
“HA!” Jayce yells, pointing his own pita sandwich at him.
“However, I may need to do a sober taste test. Being high and drunk adds too many variables —”
“Oh, fuck off.”
. . .
Viktor comes up with the brilliant idea of offering Caitlyn and Vi one of their hotel rooms for the night, so they can all have breakfast together in the morning. It’s only a few minutes later that Jayce realizes the implication of that offer, though. That Caitlyn and Vi taking Viktor’s room would mean Viktor… taking his room. With him.
… Okay, it’s fine , though. They’ve already established they’re not banging. Most platonic buds share hotel rooms all the time, so it’s totally normal. Jayce knows Mel won’t be returning to their room — she mentioned that she would be going to sleep at her place for the remainder of the conference. So really, it just makes sense. Logistically, that is.
Jayce beelines for the bed as soon as he stumbles through the door, barely able to walk straight. His head is still buzzing with alcohol, weed and garlic sauce and is showing no signs of stopping.
Viktor stumbles over and flops down onto the mattress next to him, letting his cane fall down onto the floor with a satisfying thud . He’s laughing, a hand on his abdomen.
“That was… wow, that was lovely.”
“I know, right?” Jayce replies, grinning at the ceiling. “I missed all of us together.”
“I did too,” Viktor replies. He sighs, and Jayce notices him closing his eyes as he takes a deep breath. “Berlin is a very fun city, but… it’s just not the same without the people you care about most.”
It’s… a lot to process. Jayce is a little surprised to hear that even after all this time, after all the shit and all the resentment, the falling out, the everything — Viktor still considers Cait, Vi and himself to be his people. It’s reassuring, is what it is. It’s kind of a dream come true.
If he cared about them so much, though, why hadn’t he said anything?
“Hey Vik,” Jayce starts, deciding it’d be better to just address things bluntly than to let them ferment. “Why didn’t you ever say anything to us while you were gone?”
His friend doesn’t answer right away. Instead, his lips twist in thought, his eyes distant. He looks serious all of a sudden, as if trying to choose his words extremely carefully. Jayce just waits. He’s not in any rush.
“I didn’t think you would want to hear from me, frankly. I thought about it, though. A lot. But I was afraid you were all rightfully angry with me for…”
He sighs, closing his eyes again.
“For being a bit of a monster, in the end. I wasn’t kind to you, Jayce. I didn’t think I was capable of being unkind to you, and yet… I was. You didn’t deserve that.”
They sit with the silence that comes after. Jayce hadn’t really considered the possibility of ever even having this conversation with Viktor. It feels different than last night, when they touched on it. It feels like there’s more to say.
Jayce takes a breath. He stares at a crack near the light fixture. Maybe not looking at Viktor will make this easier. “I was… really fucking hurt.”
He takes Viktor’s silence as a cue to continue.
“How you could go from being… so kind and good to me, to just…” He inhales sharply, running a hand down his face. “I was so confused. I felt so guilty, but I also knew I hadn’t done anything wrong. That shit fucks with your head.”
Viktor’s biting his lips shut when Jayce glances over at him, finally. His eyes are tired, unfocused. After a long moment, he nods, slowly, before opening his mouth.
“I was angry with you for making it look so easy.”
Jayce blinks, turning his body to face him now, eyes wide.
“After we broke up you seemed… so ready to just be friends , or… whatever. To just move onto being chummy at work, and… I don’t know. It stung. It felt like we were pretending nothing had happened, like we had never been in love. I couldn’t do it. Realizing that things weren’t working out, that we needed to split was painful. I felt like a part of me had been ripped out of my body. I could feel its absence. And I was so angry that you didn’t seem to be suffering at all. Not until… well. You know.”
Jayce exhales, his mouth tense. He unfocuses his eyes and gazes at Viktor’s shoulder, running his words over in his head.
“I hurt you on purpose ,” Viktor admits, his voice breaking. “Of course I didn’t reach out. I didn’t think you’d ever give me the time of day again.”
He looks like he’s breaking. Jayce sees a tear form in his eye, though he’s quick to blink it away.
“God, I just… Fuck . Sometimes I wish I could cry like I used to.”
Jayce knows how much it bothers him, sometimes. The crying thing. Viktor told him once that he used to break into tears easily, that he would enjoy the catharsis that comes with letting every overwhelming emotion stumble out of him all at once. How in some situations, it would make things easier. Injecting himself with testosterone regularly had apparently taken much of that away.
Jayce, on the other hand, has always been an emotional time bomb. It probably has something to do with the unofficial ADHD diagnosis Vi and Caitlyn gave him. He’s always worn his heart on his sleeve, ready to yell or break down at a moment’s notice.
“I know,” he ends up saying, reaching over and placing his left hand on Viktor’s left shoulder. “It’s okay, I’ve got enough in me for the both of us.”
Viktor turns to him, finally, and breaks into the smallest of smiles, his eyes wet.
“You’ve said that before,” he croaks.
Jayce sniffs. “I know.” And before he knows it, he’s crying into Viktor’s shoulder for the second time tonight.
They stay like that a while. Eventually, Jayce’s arm makes its way across Viktor’s chest. Eventually, Viktor’s arm is holding Jayce’s across his front. The tears subside, and they just stay there, breathing almost in sync, waiting for whatever happens next.
It’s uncharted waters, really. He has absolutely no idea what happens now.
“I’m so sorry, Jayce,” Viktor says, quietly.
Jayce brushes his neck with his nose, holding his chest tighter. “I know. I’m sorry too… for being oblivious. I was hurting, it was just… easier to pretend I wasn’t. I just…”
He pulls away to look at Viktor’s face, meeting him eye-to-eye.
“I’m kinda done ruminating over what happened two years ago. I’m just happy you’re here again. Things sucked without you.”
They’ve been like this before. It’s kind of amazing how comfortable it all feels — as if their bodies got so used to being exactly like this, that even two years of separation won’t stop them from falling down the same path again. What feels louder, still, are Viktor’s eyes trailing down Jayce’s face to his mouth, and staying there longer than they need to before pulling up again.
Fuck . They’re going to do it, aren’t they? How could they not, when it comes so fucking easy.
Viktor kisses him first. And Jayce… desperately, fiercely wants to pry his lips open and lick their tongues together.
But now, Jayce knows what comes after. He can feel it in the memories imprinted into his skin. It goes something like this: they kiss, they make out, they lick and bite each other's throats; they take off each other's pants and leave their socks on; they fuck with their hands and their mouths and it's all so intoxicaing it makes them forget everything bad, everything that went wrong.
And Jayce, to his own surprise, decides he can't forget. Not yet.
Maybe caution isn’t such a bad idea after all.
Viktor blinks his eyes open when Jayce pulls away. His eyes dart to Jayce’s eyes, calculating. “... No?” is all he asks, sounding incredibly tired.
Jayce shakes his head. He smirks, though he’s sure the rest of him looks kind of sad too. “It’s a new thing I’m doing. Where I tread carefully.”
Thankfully, he doesn’t need to explain a thing. Viktor just nods, solemn and resigned. “... That is probably a good idea.”
It's an odd feeling, knowing you want something, and that the person you want it with wants it too. It's odd not to have any doubts in a situation like this. What's stranger, still, is choosing not to act on those wants, knowing they could be your undoing.
Viktor's not a rebound. He's not a casual fuck. He was his first and maybe only real love. He saved his life, once. They're well past the point of sex not meaning anything between them. If it happens again sooner than it should, Jayce knows it'll take everything down with them.
The truth is, they don't know how to be healthy together. They tried it, and it didn't work. Jayce desperately wants things to work — whatever it takes for Viktor to stay in his life. And that means they need a new approach.
It's too late in the night to think of one, though. There's no use agonizing over it.
They break apart and take turns in the bathroom, trying not to go to bed feeling too gross. They strip down to their underwear to sleep, and there's surprisingly no unspoken tension around it.
"I want you in my life for a long time, V," Jayce mumbles into Viktor's shoulder once they're in bed, lights out, feeling sleepiness wash over him.
"I do too, Jayce," Viktor replies. "Sleep well, old friend."
. . .
Jayce wakes up to a hangover and anxiety about his breakup. It's… a rough start. Not ideal.
The latter bit isn't helped by the fact that Viktor is spooning him, their legs entwined.
Fuck , Mel probably hates him. She has no reason not to.
As if things couldn't get any worse, his agonizing is interrupted by the opening of a door, followed by Mel walking in.
They stare at one another for what feels like a year — eyes wide in shock, mouths slightly agape. Viktor, bless him, is still fucking asleep.
Mel blinks. "I… forgot my makeup bag." She averts her eyes and beelines for the bathroom. Jayce doesn't think he moves a muscle the whole time she's in there. Before he knows it, she's heading out the door.
And Jayce, the wreck that he is, hops out of bed, throws on some pants and a shirt, and runs after her. Thank God Viktor's a notoriously heavy sleeper.
He finds her by the elevator, staring at her feet.
"Mel, I —"
She looks up and sighs, pinching her eyes shut. "Good morning, Jayce."
It doesn't sound like she's actually wishing him a good morning.
"... Good morning?" he tries. He hates that it sounds like a question.
She exhales, eyeing him. Her elevator arrives and she ignores it.
"What are you doing?" She asks him. " And do not fucking apologize, I don't care how you decide to live your life."
Well. He was about to apologize for… something. He's not sure what. He's kind of out of options now, he realizes.
"It wasn't what it looked like?" Oh God , that just makes it worse, doesn't it?
Mel just looks at him, almost pitying. He doesn't blame her, really.
"I'm sorry for barging in unannounced. I figured you would be at the talks already."
… Okay, well. He didn't necessarily expect that .
"I also can't help but get the impression you've been secretly in love with your ex the entire time I've known you."
Oh God.
"I wish you both well, I do. But for the love of God, never string someone along like that again. I feel like I never knew you at all."
Jayce wants to argue, he wants to tell her she's wrong, but he can't. He was never really himself with her to begin with.
"I'm a fucking mess, Mel," is what he ends up saying, for some reason. "I… I'm sorry I never… I'm a mess ."
She gives him a pained expression.
"It's honestly kind of embarrassing and I think I hid it well, but… yeah.” Wow, make it stop . “I have no idea what I'm doing. I never did. I'm really sorry I gave the impression I had my shit together cause… I really don't."
He has no idea why he’s still talking. But to his surprise, Mel smiles. It's a pitying smile, but it still counts.
"I don't even know about Viktor, or whatever. Our relationship was a disaster. I don't know what I'm doing at all ."
She actually laughs. It's short, but it's there. Sweet , he's glad the honest self-deprecation is somehow working at diffusing the situation.
"You're… you're amazing. You deserve to be with someone who knows exactly what he wants."
She smiles at him again, and nods. "Thank you. You deserve to be with someone you can be yourself with."
The elevator returns to their floor, and this time, Mel steps into it.
"Goodbye, Jayce. I promise to text if I forgot something else in the room."
"Bye, Mel. Have fun with the, uh… investing."
He doesn't miss how she smirks just as the doors to the elevator close. With a sigh, Jayce turns back around to their room.
Viktor’s awake when he gets there, blearily opening his eyes and reaching for his phone.
“Hm, good morning,” he grunts, his hair completely messed up to one side.
Jayce smiles, shutting the door behind him. “Hey. How you feelin?”
“Like I was run over by a truck.” Viktor sighs, pinching his forehead. “I don’t think I want to drink again for a month. Two nights in a row is more than enough.
Chuckling, Jayce walks over to the bathroom and fills up a couple glasses of water, before bringing them back and hopping into bed. He hands one to Viktor, who takes it, blinking his eyes a little more open.
“Thank you,” he croaks, before downing half the glass in only a couple gulps. Jayce sips his water, trying not to think too hard about how easy this feels — how many times they’ve done this exact thing before.
It’s eerie, almost — how easy it is to fall back into old habits, follow old scripts.
“Was there someone here earlier?” Viktor asks. “I thought I… heard something.”
“Uh, yeah,” Jayce replies, feeling heat rise to his face. “Mel actually stopped by because she… forgot something. She didn’t think I — we’d be here.
“ Oh .” Viktor suddenly appears much more awake. “I, uh… that’s awkward.”
“Yeah.” Jayce laughs a little, nervously. “Wasn’t my… finest moment. I chatted with her briefly outside, and it was… weird. But it wasn’t a disaster. We wished each other well.”
Viktor purses his lip, thinking. He finishes his water and reaches for his leg on the ground, pulling it up to start putting it on. Jayce just keeps sipping his from his glass, aware of a slight tension filling the air. They’re not drunk or high anymore, not riding the wave of whatever endorphins had them bearing their souls and holding one another close last night. Right now, there’s a distinctly different kind of atmosphere permeating the room.
“What are we doing?” Viktor asks, suddenly. He looks at Jayce, almost stern. He doesn’t elaborate any further than that.
Jayce blinks. “Honestly… I have no fucking clue.”
“You went through a break up yesterday ,” Viktor points out. He raises an eyebrow. “We ran into one another not even two days ago and we’ve already gotten plastered twice. I can’t help but feel that things aren’t off to a great start.”
“What ‘things?’” Jayce asks. “What’s starting?”
Viktor nods, thinking. “I… suppose that is the question.”
They fall silent a moment, considering… that. In classic Jayce fashion, he genuinely has no idea. He was hoping Viktor could offer a little clarity.
“What do you want, Jayce?”
He looks at Viktor — like, really looks at him — eyeing his messy hair, his pronounced cheekbones, his little beauty marks on his cheek and upper lip, and the surgical scars on his chest. You, Jayce thinks immediately, unquestioning. That’s probably not the right answer, though.
“You,” is what he ends up saying anyway. This isn’t really the time to lie. “I can’t imagine my life without you, honestly. I’ve felt more myself these past two days than I have in a long fucking time.”
Viktor, to his surprise, frowns. He takes a deep breath, steadying himself.
“That’s what I was afraid of.”
Jayce raises an eyebrow. “Oh?”
“I can’t be with someone who doesn’t know how to be their authentic self without my help, Jayce. I’m sorry.”
Oh.
Okay. That’s… wow.
“But… I do want to be your friend. I want you in my life. I just don’t think I can date you right now, and I don’t think cuddling in our underwear after a night of drinking is good for us, either.”
“Hey, you kissed me ,” Jayce interrupts, smirking. Viktor’s gaze flattens.
“Exactly. If we’re going to be friends, we should probably avoid doing things that make us want to kiss one another.”
Everything makes me want to kiss you , Jayce thinks. He keeps that one to himself, though.
“It’s hard for me, too,” Viktor continues. “I… I just don’t want us to make the same mistakes. I don’t want my life to be consumed by our relationship.”
“I don’t either,” Jayce agrees. Because he genuinely doesn’t . It wasn’t worth losing Viktor after all. “How do we do that?”
“Well,” Viktor starts, getting up. “I’m going to get dressed, for starters. And then we can have breakfast. Personally, I want to spend my evening alone tonight, but we can do something again in the next few days before I go back to Berlin. Perhaps an evening with no drinks.”
Then, he smiles. It’s small, but it’s there. It’s a small relief.
“I’d like that,” Jayce replies. “I’ll try to think of something.”
“Perfect. Let’s text Vi and Cait and meet them?”
“Sounds good.”
. . .
Having breakfast with Vi and Caitlyn is absolutely lovely. They’re hungover as shit too, and don’t have much juice for conversation. Still, it’s familiar and kind of hilarious — though dining at a hotel all together is kind of a first for them. Jayce finds himself wanting to do it more often.
When Viktor heads to the bathroom, his friends’ eyes are on him immediately.
Caitlyn raises an eyebrow. “So?”
Jayce blinks. “What?”
“Did anything… happen?”
“ No ,” he replies, firmly, which is kind of a lie. He finds himself actually not wanting to get into it. “We talked a bit, but we’re sort of… decided on being friends. I don’t wanna fuck this up again. I want to keep him in my life.”
Vi scoffs. “Yeah, okay.”
“What?”
“I give it four months,” Caitlyn says, crossing her arms and sitting back in her chair.
“... Six,” Vi chimes in. “Until you bone again, that is.”
Jayce frowns. “ No, no one’s boning anyone.”
“I don’t think it’s a bad idea, being friends,” Caitlyn adds. “It’s probably not a bad place to start. But you’re… you’re you guys. You’re obsessed with one another.”
“Exactly,” Jayce points out. “We’re messy. We could probably stand to be less obsessed with each other, you know?”
“Fair,” Vi shrugs. She takes a bite of a slice of bacon. “I swear, if you guys fuck this up again I will kill both of you. So yeah, do what you need to do to not fuck it up. I like having my friend back.”
Jayce smiles, first to himself, then to them. “Yeah… honestly I do too. I’m gonna try my best.”
. . .
They do manage to give one another space. Jayce doesn’t hang out with Viktor for the last couple days of the conference, opting instead to spend some time among his colleagues. He kind of hates it and keeps leaving events early, but he is grateful for the break.
On a couple occasions, they make eye contact from across the room during an event. Jayce resists the urge to beeline for Viktor immediately, and opts instead to smile at him. He always smiles back.
. . .
Two days before Viktor’s flight home, they make plans to get dinner at a little Indian restaurant they always used to go to back in the day. It doesn’t serve alcohol — only thali plates and mango lassis.
They eat, chat, and learn more about what they’ve been up to the past two years. Viktor ends up showing Jayce the details in his tattoos — how they’re meant to vaguely look like mechanical parts.
Jayce tells him about Mel — about how they met on Tinder, of all places, and how he had a fun few months of pretending to be posh with her.
“You went to the theater ?” Viktor laughs. “You can barely pay attention to a TV show.”
“ Hey, no one needs to know.”
The conversation is a little more stilted, a little less easy than when they were drinking. But it’s… nice. It feels genuine and real . Like they’re getting to know one another all over again.
Jayce gets to learn all about Viktor’s post-doc work, and he gets to chat about the work he’s doing. Neither of them are satisfied with their jobs, but sharing their ideas with one another does ignite something in Jayce — he wants to be able to brainstorm with Viktor again one day, when the time is right.
They hang out nearly three hours, and then agree to part ways. Jayce offers to rent a car and drive Viktor to the airport for his flight in two days. He resists the extremely strong urge to invite him back to his apartment. Insead, he heads home alone.
. . .
“How do you prefer to keep in touch?” Viktor asks once they’re just outside the gate at the airport.
Jayce thinks for a moment. “Honestly, I like phone calls and video chatting. I’m not the best with answering messages, though.”
Viktor nods. “I don’t… love video chatting. Phone calls are nice, though. I could probably keep in touch once a week, if that works for you.”
“Yeah,” Jayce replies, smiling. “That sounds really nice, actually.”
“Good,” Viktor nods, smiling back at him. “I look forward to it.”
All of it is a little weird. Jayce realizes somewhere during their dinner, he stopped assuming he knew everything about Viktor. It’s not bad weird, though — just an acknowledgement that time is actually a thing, that they might actually be different people than they were when they were together.
“I’ll miss you, V.”
Viktor manages to keep a straight face, despite the nearly invisible hint of emotionality in his eyes. Jayce can see it, but he chooses not to dwell on it. His own dam might break if he focuses on it too hard.
“I’ll miss you too Jayce. Don’t be a stranger.”
They don’t hug. Viktor glances over at him once he’s almost through the gate, and offers him a little wave. Jayce waves back.
. . .
Somehow, they manage to keep up the weekly calls, despite the time difference. Saturday afternoons become Jayce’s dedicated phone time with Viktor, who’s six hours ahead of him.
Sometimes, their calls only last a half hour. Their weeks may not have been that eventful, or they might be feeling drained from other life stuff. Often, though, their calls might pass an hour, or extend longer than two or three. Sometimes Jayce will put himself on video chat while he prepares lunch. Rarely, when he’s feeling up to it, Viktor will do the same. Occasionally, when they really don’t feel like they have much to say, Jayce will screenshare a movie with him and suggest they each make popcorn.
Over time, being in Viktor’s presence stops feeling as intoxicating as it used to, and instead starts feeling like something else. It’s comfortable and warm, like coming home at the end of a long journey.
In the meantime, though, Jayce has a lot more free time than he used to. He ends up going to therapy. He doesn’t tell anyone about it, not right away — he doesn’t have any shame, really, he just wants it to be something he does entirely for himself. His therapist helps him remember the things he used to love doing, before work and relationships consumed him.
He doesn’t date — honestly, he doesn’t want to bring anyone into his mess right now. Instead, he takes up metalworking again. It’s an old hobby his grandfather got him into as a kid, and his mom always kept all the supplies in her garage. He starts visiting her place more frequently, setting up his workspace again and eventually spending several hours a week working on whatever projects seem interesting at the moment.
Jayce spends more time hanging out with Vi and Caitlyn, too. They all get kind of into rock climbing and start regularly going to a local gym all together. He also spends less time around his colleagues, deciding that he doesn’t need to pretend to enjoy being around biotech people any longer. The colleagues he does keep in touch with are only those with whom he shares interests outside of work.
Viktor, meanwhile, loves hearing about his metalworking projects. He even insists that Jayce video chat him sometime while creating something. Over in Berlin, he’s started 3D printing random objects for fun. He creates a model of his skull, a sculpture of котенок, his cat, and a set of carbon fiber camping dishware. They share their projects with one another over video, and Jayce finds himself increasingly more excited for the day they get to show one another in person.
. . .
“You should come to Berlin,” Viktor says one day, on the phone. “If you want to. I’ll be here three more months, and it’s a really great city. I’d love to show you around.”
He suggests it so casually, as if packing up and going to Berlin is something anyone can do at the drop of a hat. Jayce’s mouth goes dry at the suggestion. He’s not the most organized person, and doesn’t travel often because of it.
“Uh… sounds expensive.”
“The flights themselves can be under $500 if you find a deal. And you can stay with me, I have a futon.”
That’s… admittedly not as much as Jayce thought it would be. Still, the idea of staying with Viktor is… a lot.
“Do you think it could work?” Jayce asks. “Me staying with you, I mean. I wouldn’t want you to get sick of me.”
“I’ll still be working,” Viktor replies. “You’ll have time to yourself, and my apartment is large enough for two people. If I need space I’ll take it.”
Jayce… actually considers it. He hasn’t traveled anywhere in at least four years, not since he went to visit family in Mexico with his mother.
“Okay,” he ends up saying. “I’ll… think about it. I’ll look at flights.”
“I’m moving back in January, so next month or December would work best,” Viktor adds.
“Alright.” A part of him starts feeling hopeful, like he might actually do it. “I’ll let you know.”
. . .
He ends up going. Jayce managed to find a cheap flight and had extra vacation days saved, so he figured why the hell not. It’s not every day that a friend offers you free lodging in a foreign city. And in addition to that, he does miss Viktor. He doesn’t have any ulterior motives — being platonic has actually suited them really well the past several months, and he genuinely doesn’t want that to change.
In a way, their relationship has felt healthier than it’s been, maybe ever . Which is a weird thought. They’re managing to maintain contact, keep up with each others’ lives, and yet not be consumed by one another like they used to.
It’s… refreshing. Jayce hopes it lasts.
He takes a cab to Viktor’s place from the airport. It’s a Saturday, so Viktor isn’t working.
The weather is about the same as back home — a chilly couple degrees above freezing. As the cab brings him further into the city, Jayce spends time admiring the architecture, the skyline and spire in the distance, and the occasional canal. It doesn’t take long to reach Viktor’s apartment in Moabit.
He thanks the driver and grabs his travel pack, and heads to the address on his phone. Before ringing the bell, Jayce takes a moment to collect himself. It’s been about… five, maybe six months since he’s seen Viktor in person — though, only about ten hours since they spoke on the phone. Jayce isn’t sure how they’ll manage the transition from long-distance friends to living together, albeit briefly. He’s kind of really looking forward to finding out.
Despite Vi’s teasing the last time he hung out with her, he’s decidedly not here to seduce his ex, or to try to start something up again. He’s not against it per se, but it would need to feel right. He’s not really into having expectations, right now. Doing so would probably ruin what they’ve built.
Viktor buzzes him up almost immediately. Up the flight of stairs, the door is already open — his silhouette leaning against the door frame.
“Hello,” he greets, his smile warm.
“Hi,” Jayce greets him back, totally incapable of not grinning back. He saunters up the steps nearly two at a time, and wraps Viktor in a hug as soon as they’re face to face. Once they separate, he takes a moment to look at his friend, his hand still on his shoulder. His hair is just about the same as when they last saw one another, his nose ring is still the same, and his face is familiar as always. Viktor’s wearing one of his old favorite black metal band sweatshirts Jayce could recognize from a mile away, and a pair of gray joggers — the epitome of comfort. He hasn’t seen him dress for lounging at home in a very, very long time. It feels nostalgic, but not painfully so.
Viktor ushers him into the apartment and offers a spot to put his bags. A futon is already set up for Jayce in the living room. The apartment is spacious and lived in — Viktor's book collection is shelved in the living room, and his kitchen counters are covered with appliances, coffee, tea, and spice jars. It reminds Jayce of the organized chaos in the apartment they shared together.
"Tea or coffee?" Viktor offers, as if on queue. "Or would you prefer a nap?"
"Ah, a coffee nap?" Jayce suggests, smirking. "Maybe a cup and then I'll retire a bit, I didn't get much sleep on the plane."
His friend nods. "As you wish, I have some brewed already."
It feels so incredibly comfortable, as if this isn't the first time Jayce has hopped over to the other side of the world to visit Viktor in his home.
Jayce hears a meow behind him. He turns and sees котенок beelining for him before rubbing herself on his pant leg. He gasps.
“Oh my God — baby!”
He bends down and rubs her behind the ear, then down her back. She looks exactly the same as when they all lived together — still gray, still striped, still adorable.
“She missed you.”
Viktor pours him a cup of coffee from his moka pot — the same one he used when they lived together. Though he's farther from his life than he has been in years, Jayce kind of feels like he's come home.
. . .
Jayce gives Viktor a knife he made for him later in the evening, after his nap with котенок by his side. He’d forged it with his friend in mind, wanting to give him something as a thank you for letting him spend the week. It’s a regular all-purpose kitchen knife with a handle stained crimson, and it’s probably the best project Jayce has worked on to date. He even sewed a leather sheath for it.
Viktor’s eyes are wide when Jayce places it in his hands. He pulls the knife out and gently flips it over, admiring the blade and handle alike. Jayce can’t help but feel a surge of pride — not only was this project the first he actually feels comfortable gifting to someone, but giving it to Viktor feels fitting.
“It’s gorgeous,” Viktor breathes, looking up at him.
Jayce blushes. He can’t really help it. “Really?”
“Shut up, you know it’s masterfully crafted,” his friend retorts, laughing. Can’t argue with that.
“I mean… yeah. I’m pretty proud of it.”
“You should be,” Viktor adds, smiling at him again. “Thank you. I love it.” He puts it down on the kitchen table in front of them and furrows his brow. “I, uh… made something for you too. Though it’s not as… sophisticated.”
Jayce perks up. He hadn’t expected that. “Oh?”
“I’ll go get it,” Viktor replies stiffly, before standing up and grabbing his cane. He disappears into his bedroom for a minute, while Jayce sips contentedly on his mug of black tea. When Viktor returns, he places his gift on the table in front of Jayce.
It’s… holy shit .
“A Shrek mug?!”
It’s literally a lime green mug in the shape of Shrek’s head, with a glossy finish. It’s lighter than Jayce expected when he picks it up, admiring it in his hands.
“I made the model in Blender, and then I 3D printed it,” Viktor elaborates, acting almost embarrassed, for some fucking reason.
“V, this is literally the best thing, what the shit — you made it?”
See, Shrek has kind of always been a bit of an inside joke between them. The first night they partied together (the same night they slept together for the first time, though Jayce is conveniently ignoring that part), Vi had leant Viktor this incredibly corny Shrek 2 shirt that he ended up keeping forever. It quickly became one of Viktor’s favourite shirts, and Jayce would frequently borrow it to do nothing around the house when they lived together. Eventually, they ended up rewatching the entire saga of Shrek movies together. It was dumb, but it was something they shared.
Jayce feels a sudden warmth blossoming in him as he eyes the ridiculous, eyesore of a mug. Viktor was always so casually good at art — he’d dabble on occasion and always create some of the most impressive shit Jayce had ever seen out of an amateur. It’s something he’s always really admired about him.
“It’s not much —”
“Shut up,” Jayce interrupts. “It’s perfect.”
He gets up and hugs him. It’s quick — Jayce doesn’t want to linger too long, not wanting to risk his own self control.
“For real,” he continues, if only to fill up the air space. “You’re so talented.”
“As are you,” Viktor replies, without hesitation. “I can’t say I know anyone else who can craft a knife from nothing.”
“I don’t know anyone who can craft a Shrek mug from nothing, so I guess we’re an even match.”
“I guess so.”
It all comes out so easily. Jayce hadn’t meant for it to sound… suggestive. But now their gazes are meeting each other, and as much as he wants to ignore it, a sort of palpable tension is there. Jayce just lets it exist — instead of panicking or overanalyzing, he chooses just to stare back into Viktor’s eyes, a small smile spreading on his face.
Viktor smiles back.
Man. He really is something, isn’t he?
His friend blinks, before gazing at the time on the oven. The moment’s broken, but Jayce can’t really find it in himself to feel disappointed.
“It’s dinner time. Would you like to stay in, or grab something out?”
Jayce’s legs feel a little heavy, his head still spinning a bit from the travel. “In, tonight. I’m kinda tired. But it’d be fun to grab some shawarma or something tomorrow.”
“I’d love that,” Viktor replies, easy. “I’ll cook us something with my new knife. You can… drink out of your mug, if you like.”
“Perfect.”
They end up spending Jayce’s first night in Berlin inside Viktor’s apartment, just existing together. Viktor chops up vegetables while sitting on a barstool at the counter, and Jayce prepares them both some star anise milk — a favourite from Viktor’s childhood that he taught him ages ago. They eat their vegetable curry on rice while watching How It's Made on Viktor’s laptop.
It’s not the most touristy way of spending a first night in a foreign city, but there’s nowhere else Jayce would rather be.
. . .
The next day, Viktor shows Jayce his favourite bakery. They have pastries and coffee for breakfast, before taking a stroll to a lovely canal lined with weeping willows. They visit Viktor’s favourite local used book store, and retire back to his place for an afternoon nap.
In the evening, Viktor’s feeling a little sore from all the walking. Jayce offers to pick up some takeout from a local shawarma place, and they eat with котенок lounging by their feet . They don’t drink — Jayce feels like it’s some sort of silent agreement between them, knowing how both their judgements often get more than a little impaired when they do. Instead, they have tea.
Jayce learns more about this… new Viktor. For starters, he doesn’t smoke anymore. He was never the heaviest of smokers, but when they were together he’d rarely go more than a couple days without a cigarette. Apparently he quit a few months back and hadn’t told anyone outright because he was afraid of relapsing, not wanting anyone to expect anything from him.
Another detail Jayce learns is that his friend has opted to restrict his work hours to weekdays exclusively. He used to have no boundaries between work and home — Viktor would often stay up late at his desk working. At the recommendation of his therapist, he’s started forcing himself not to touch anything work-related on weekends and evenings, and instead dedicate his time to either exploring the neighborhood, hobbies, or simply doing nothing at all. Jayce never thought he’d see the day Viktor’s workaholic tendencies would be a thing of the past, but he’s honestly grateful for it. His friend seems more relaxed, more rested than he’s been since he’s known him.
. . .
Jayce visits the Museum for Contemporary Art on his third day in Berlin, while Viktor is at work. He doesn’t really give too many shits about contemporary art, but Jayce fucking loves old train stations — and the museum is inside one.
When Viktor returns home, they share a very small joint and end up designing an old steam-engine train on Viktor's chalkboard kitchen wall together. It’s… a ridiculous way to spend an evening, but it’s perfect. Jayce missed this. He missed this so fucking much.
. . .
It happens the morning of Jayce’s fourth day in Berlin. Jayce wakes up first and makes coffee for both of them, and toasted baguette for himself. He decides, for some reason, to bring Viktor his coffee in bed. Jayce isn’t sure what compels him to do it, only that he feels like doing something nice for the person who kindly offered to house him for the week.
He knocks on the bedroom door, knowing Viktor’s alarm has already gone off.
“ ... Yes? ”
“I made coffee, can I bring you some?”
“... Sure, come in .”
Viktor’s lying in bed when he enters, putting his phone down on his nightstand. He scoots over and makes room for Jayce to sit on the side of his mattress. Jayce hadn’t expected to actually stay in the room with him, but he accepts the invitation all the same.
He places the coffee in Viktor’s hands and sits down. Viktor smiles up at him and pushes himself to sit up, taking a careful sip to avoid spilling coffee on his t-shirt. He has that classic sleepy look about him — his hair in disarray, eyes a little puffy, lips slightly swollen. Jayce has seen him like this countless times before, so it’s not necessarily a surprise.
What is a surprise, though, is Viktor putting a hand on his own as he uses his other one to place the coffee on his bedside table. Usually, Viktor isn’t the one to initiate touch between them.
“Thank you,” he says, meeting Jayce’s gaze. “That’s very sweet.”
He squeezes Jayce’s hand, and his gaze lingers. His lips form a small, tentative smile. Jayce can feel his own gears turning, slowly locking into place.
Viktor’s eyes flit down to Jayce’s mouth, too. It’s only a split second, but he catches it all the same.
The truth is, Jayce’s isn’t sure what it is about this morning in particular. Maybe it’s the slow realization that the work they put into themselves is actually making things easier between them. Maybe it’s the fact that things have gone so shockingly smoothly since Jayce got here.
Maybe it’s the fact that after all this time, all the distance, all the shifts and all the changes, some things still feel the same as they always did. This Viktor — the one in front of Jayce right now — is someone Jayce can’t help but fall in love with all over again.
They’ve kissed one another a thousand times over at this point. But they haven’t kissed each other, mutually, in over two years. There’s nothing noticeably special about right now, nothing major that’s changed. Just that it feels right.
Jayce puts a hand on Viktor’s neck and jaw, his thumb running along his cheekbone. Viktor startles, but doesn’t pull away. Instead, he sits up a little higher, and tilts his head up.
Kissing him sends a ripple down Jayce’s spine. Viktor kisses back almost immediately, their lips slotting comfortably together. Jayce sucks on his bottom lip, extremely lightly. He feels Viktor’s mouth move against his, a gentle tongue running along the seam.
Then, he pulls away. They look at one another, eyes kind of wide like holy shit, we did that . We did that and it was good .
Jayce smiles down at him, unable to help himself. Viktor looks beautiful in the morning light. “I’m in if you are… For the long haul. Let me know, kay? No rush.”
He doesn’t wait for an answer, knowing Viktor might need a moment to process things. Instead, he takes his hand away from Viktor’s face and stands up.
“I need to eat my toast. Join me?”
Viktor nods, a smile ghosting his face.
. . .
“I’m in,” Viktor says to him when he gets home from work, before even taking off his jacket. Jayce’s stomach does a backflip. He gets up from the futon and walks over to Viktor, his heart stuttering in his chest.
“For real?”
Viktor huffs out a short laugh, smirking. “No, I’m joking. Come here.”
He places his hands on Jayce’s waist, sliding one towards the small of his back and pulling him in. Their lips meet, slotting together easily.
This time, it’s longer. It feels as though they’re savouring it — long enough that Jayce starts to feel it in his bones, down his back, in his groin.
“ Fuck ,” he breathes against Viktor’s mouth, his eyes still closed.
Viktor kisses him again, rougher. Jayce’s hands find their way to his hair, grabbing lightly at the strands at the back of his head. He opens his mouth and Viktor licks into him, pressing their bodies further together.
Jayce isn’t sure if he’s imagining it, but he feels a slight bump press against his upper thigh. He stiffens a little at that, feeling heat rise to his head.
Котенок interrupts them, though, meowing and rubbing against Viktor’s leg. He laughs into Jayce’s mouth, before pulling back to meet his gaze.
“More of that later, please.”
“Sure thing,” Jayce breathes, his voice barely above a whisper. His eyes must look wide as hell, right now.
That dynamic is back — the one where Viktor is unbelievably confident and in control, and Jayce is a stuttering mess. Even just a split second of it is enough to drive him mad.
He’s not going to push it, though. If anything, going slow has been going well for them.
Though it doesn’t stop him from sticking his ass out slightly more than usual while making anise milk, later.
He doesn’t think Viktor notices at first, until Jayce feels a hand graze his right cheek as Viktor walks by. It’s light enough that it could pass for nothing, but Jayce recognizes that look in his eye when they glance at one another right after.
He gulps, his throat dry. It’s been ages since he’s seen it.
Still, it all feels different than it used to. There’s a slowness, a steadiness to every interaction that’s never been there before. Nothing feels urgent — it’s tentative, more so, as if testing the waters. It doesn’t feel like a well-trodden path they’ve been down many times before. Rather, it’s a new trail entirely.
They watch a movie later, on the futon. Somehow, Viktor ends up spooning Jayce, which greatly impedes his ability to concentrate on whatever they’re supposed to be watching. He feels hot, as if he’s ready to jump out of his skin with the warmth of Viktor’s body so close to him. Eventually, he can’t really take it anymore. He pushes his ass back a little bit, into Viktor’s lap.
A hand finds its way to Jayce’s hip, squeezing it lightly. He feels a breath ghosting the back of his neck, a pair of lips pressing between the junction of his neck and shoulder. It makes his hair stand on end.
“What do you want?” Viktor whispers in his ear. He reaches over and closes the laptop in front of them, before taking his glasses off and depositing them on the coffee table.
Everything, all of it. That wouldn’t make sense, though. Jayce tries to steady himself in an effort to decipher his semi-incoherent thoughts. It’s been two years, most of which was spent not letting himself yearn for this. Now that they can be together again, Jayce finds himself exploding with desire, wanting everything there is.
“ Fuck me ,” he hisses, his eyes closing. The hand on his hip tightens, fingertips pressing down through his joggers
To his surprise, Viktor chuckles lightly. He kisses the back of Jayce’s neck.
“If you don’t mind me asking, how long has it been since you’ve been fucked?”
Jayce blinks, taken aback. It’s a fair question, though.
“Uh… maybe, eight months, ish?" It was with Mel, after a few months of dating. Jayce had prepped himself by wearing a plug beforehand, but hadn’t done anything like that since.
“We should take it slow, then,” Viktor replies. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I want you to hurt me,” Jayce quips. “But… fair.”
He’s met with a low laugh, fluttering against his skin. Before he can think, Viktor bites down on the skin of his neck. The pain shoots through him straight to his dick, now straining against his pant leg.
A moan escapes him, completely involuntarily. He can feel what it’s doing to Viktor where his bum is pressing into his lap. Fuck , Jayce missed this. Viktor always had a way of playing him like a fiddle. The hand on his hip drags itself over to his groin, gripping his hard cock through the fabric of his pants. It’s not enough , and Jayce finds himself squirming, chasing every millimeter of friction like he’s starving.
“ Fuck, V — ”
He feels a ragged breath against the nape of his neck. Viktor's hips press into him even harder. He slips his unoccupied arm under Jayce's neck and presses two fingers to his lips. Jayce licks them, coaxing them into his mouth.
It's so fucking hot, he can't think anymore. Maybe they're rushing into things, or maybe the entire last six months have been building up to this. He doesn't care, frankly.
The fingers leave his mouth and the hands on his hip pull, turning him over to face Viktor. They look at one another, Viktor’s pupils blown wide, cheeks flushed. At one point, Jayce never thought he’d see him like this ever again. He’s never been so happy to have been wrong.
Viktor runs his hands up Jayce’s chest over his shirt, squeezing and thumbing at his nipples. It’s electric . A part of him wants to dissolve completely, close his eyes and let Viktor have his way with him. Another, slightly stronger part of him would rather keep his eyes open and watch everything unfold, committing every shared look and every gasp to memory all over again. He wills his eyes open despite their growing heaviness, and maintains eye contact with Viktor until they’re kissing again.
Viktor’s gentle at first, then more and more rough, both their hands traveling all over each others’ bodies as they dance their tongues together. Jayce rucks up Viktor’s shirt to feel the smooth planes of his abdomen. He loves how big his own hands are, how they’re able to feel so much of Viktor at once. His partner mirrors him, hands snaking up Jayce’s shirt until they’re thumbing his happy trail, tracing over his abdomen, and squeezing his pecs.
Their bodies press further together, legs entwining. Jayce feels their hard cocks rub up against each other. He moans at the feel of it, buying his head in the crook of Viktor’s neck, sighing against his skin. The smells, the sounds — it all feels familiar and new at the same time.
Jayce licks into Viktor’s skin, sucking at his neck. He feels a hand travel to his back, then to his bum, squeezing and spreading his cheeks apart. Somehow, he ends up on top of Viktor, whining and biting into his neck as his ass is gripped with both hands, gasps and sighs shared between them.
It’s so much, nearly too much. There’s a mounting tension in his gut, and Jayce kind of needs to catch his breath before his head explodes. He stops, abruptly pulling himself back a bit to look at Viktor, all debauched beneath him. His hair is completely messed up, lips swollen and bitten, bite marks reddening on his neck. Fuck .
“... Are you alright?” Viktor asks, his voice thick. In an unexpectedly tender gesture, he raises a hand to Jayce's cheek and strokes lighty with his thumb. Jayce leans into it, closing his eyes.
“It’s just… it’s just a lot. To… process.” He opens his eyes. “Just getting used to being together again.”
Viktor smiles up at him.
“Take all the time you need. If you’re not ready, we can wait.”
To be quite honest, the thought of waiting makes Jayce want to bust out of his skin.
“I need to take 5,” he ends up saying. It’s probably the smart thing to do. “I’ll be back, I just need…”
Viktor nods. “Do your thing.”
It’s all so shockingly easy . There were times in the past, where Jayce would feel overwhelmed with emotion and hadn’t figured out that excusing himself to deal with it alone was the best course of action. It would lead to outbursts that would sometimes terrify Viktor, who would shut down and become distant, only exacerbating the cycle. Three years of dating is a long time, though. When they were at their best, maybe two years in, Jayce had figured out that taking breaks when he was overstimulated or over-emotional would actually make things easier. And Viktor had figured out how to let him do it without questioning him, nor ignoring him out of fear of making him explode.
There are some things you never unlearn, it seems.
Jayce finds himself in the washroom, leaning on the counter and staring at himself in the mirror. He’s flushed, his t-shirt kind of askew, hair tousled to one side. Although he sees himself every day of his life, Jayce can still tell he’s changed too.
For starters, he’s probably 20 pounds of mostly muscle heavier than he used to be. His arms and shoulders pull at his old clothes, and he’s gone up a pant size. He’s hairier too, he’s noticed — he could probably grow a beard now, if he wanted to. He’s got a couple grey hairs near his temple peeking out on occasion, barely visible yet growing more numerous by the year.
There’s a new scar on his forearm from a metalworking accident a few months back. As of three months ago, there’s a tattoo on his left peck of the frangipani plant outside his aunt’s house in Mexico. Viktor hasn’t seen it yet, he realizes.
His hands are rougher now, more calloused and hard than they were back when he was a twenty-four year-old grad student falling madly in love with his lab partner. It’s probably a combination of the climbing, weight training, and the metalwork. He wonders if Viktor will like his new hands. He wonders if Viktor will like the new him.
He probably already does , he reminds himself. Viktor’s literally back in the room Jayce left him in, hard and waiting.
He splashes some water on his face, and decides he doesn’t want to wait any more.
When Jayce returns to the living room, Viktor’s lying where he left him, staring at the ceiling and absent-mindedly palming himself through his sweatpants. It sends a spark through Jayce’s body.
He doesn’t really have words to describe why exactly reconnecting feels so terrifying. Maybe it’s the changes, or maybe it’s the sameness. Maybe it’s both, coexisting together and promising something Jayce can’t even fathom yet.
“Hey, are you freaking out about this?” he ends up asking, because he has a giant mouth. Viktor turns his head to face him, his hand still on his own dick.
“Are you?” he replies, an eyebrow raised.
Jayce sighs. “A little.” For once, he wishes he could just fuck and not think too hard about it.
“I’m… honestly feeling quite good,” Viktor says. He takes his hand off himself and sits up, patting the futon next to him. Jayce takes a seat.
“Back when I visited months ago,” he continues. “I felt like there were moments I could have made a move, or we could have… started something, I don’t know. But it didn’t feel right to me. You had just been dumped, and I didn’t feel completely… secure, with you. I thought maybe you only wanted a quick rebound fuck, or something.”
Jayce huffs out a laugh. “Maybe… maybe a part of me did, honestly. But I knew it couldn’t be with you.”
He places a hand over Viktor’s next to him, tentatively. Their fingers slip together without effort.
“But now…” Viktor starts. He’s not looking at Jayce, but rather, at his own feet. Nevertheless, he smiles. “I don’t know. I’ve never trusted anyone more with my heart. The past few months have felt so… solid. You told me you wanted to take care of yourself, and you did. You didn’t even do it for me.”
“Not entirely,” Jayce interjects, chuckling. Viktor smiles a little wider, shaking his head. After a moment, he looks up to lock their eyes together, and takes a deeper than normal breath.
“I mean a lot to you, don't I?"
Jayce blinks, pressure building behind his eyes. He looks at Viktor, taking in all of him for what feels like the millionth time — the small gap between his teeth, the slightly crooked posture, his brilliant amber eyes, the little moles on his upper lip and cheek. Jayce has already gotten so used to seeing him every day.
It’s not only that, though. It’s the fact that no one challenges him like Viktor, and yet no one makes him feel as confident, either. The fact that Viktor helped him see the good in himself — his real self, not an image conjured to please. The fact that Viktor hurt him worse than anyone has in his life, and yet he can’t hold it against him even if he tried. The reality is that even after everything, after the highs and the rupture and the years spent without one another, Viktor still wants to be with him and still clearly loves him. It’s the same for him. Viktor’s the most intelligent, kind hearted, hilarious person he’s ever met. They’ve seen the best and worst of one another, and it’s been okay.
“That… is the understatement of the century.”
Viktor smirks. “The feeling’s mutual,” he replies, after a beat. He squeezes their hands together, and Jayce feels like his chest might explode.
They stay like that for a minute, slowly falling into one another again until their foreheads touch and their breaths mingle. Jayce closes his eyes, savouring it, feeling his heart rate slow and the tension in his gut dissipate.
“This feels different, doesn’t it?” he breathes. “It’s different than it used to feel.”
He feels Viktor nod against him. “ We’re different. I suppose it makes sense.”
He raises a hand to Jayce’s neck and jaw, thumbing at his cheek. They lock eyes again, and Jayce shivers. Viktor’s gaze flits down to his lips in a silent question.
This time, the kisses are slower. Viktor lets Jayce set the pace. They make out lazily as if time will wait for them, as if foreplay is the destination itself. It puts Jayce’s mind at ease.
There’s a moment, after Jayce puts his hands back on Viktor’s body, that his thumb grazes the hardness in his pants. Viktor hums into his mouth, his body jerking lightly. It sets Jayce on fire again, feeling himself stiffen in response at the thought of completely submitting to Viktor — of hearing those sounds again and again.
He breaks the kiss and moves to the floor, on his knees, spreading Viktor’s legs apart. He looks up at him in a silent plea, unable to form words at this point. Viktor offers him a crooked smile and a hand on his head, a gentle scratch behind his ear. It sends a delicious shiver down his spine.
“You want to be a good boy for me?” Viktor hums. Fuck, Jayce missed hearing him say that. It’s telling that his eyes nearly roll back in his head, and they’ve barely even started.
“ Please, ” he mouths, unable to make a sound. He does have a slight tendency to go nonverbal when things are feeling really good. Viktor gives him the okay, and he pulls his pants down.
Jayce mouths at his dick through his black briefs, mostly to tease himself. He’d always absolutely loved giving Viktor head. Jayce was never the best at blowing cis guys, if he’s being honest. His endurance often left something to be desired, and his gag reflex is definitely a thing . It’s hot, sure, but he’s aware of his own limitations. Viktor’s dick, however, is perfect . He can take all of it in his mouth, he can suck it and stroke it with his lips and tongue for hours without getting tired.
Once, Viktor let Jayce blow him under his desk while he worked for at least an hour and a half, maybe two. He took breaks for a few minutes, every time Viktor came. Despite not being allowed to touch his own dick, Jayce was a complete incoherent wreck by the end.
With his mouth full, his eyes close and his mind goes blank — conscious only of the weight in his mouth, the hands running through his hair, the movements of his lips and tongue. He sucks, licks, teases right under Viktor’s head in the same way he always did.
“Ah — aah,” he hears above him. “S-such a good boy.”
Viktor’s words travel straight to his dick, hard and pulsing. He’s barely thinking about it though — barely thinking about anything. It’s just touches, scratches behind his head, “good boy”s and “ fuck” s and “ you look gorgeous on my cock ” as he slowly loses himself, reaching a place he’s missed so, so much.
He’s here again. He’s Viktor’s. He’s home.
“ I want to fuck you ,” Viktor groans, pulling him off. Jayce only opens his eyes and looks up at him, nodding. He doesn’t have it in him to wipe the spit running down his chin.
It’s alright though, because Viktor does it for him.
They end up on the futon, Jayce lying on top, his ass in Viktor’s face. Viktor licks him open, spits on his hole, prods it with his fingers, slicked with lube. He’d brought some things over from his room while Jayce was in the bathroom. Jayce loves a man who plans ahead.
It feels… full . Viktor’s only two fingers in, and Jayce is already gone. He whines around Viktor’s cock, taking it back in his mouth because it’s right there and he needs it.
He feels hot breaths against his hole, another finger inside him. That… God , that's amazing.
" Ah ," Viktor sighs. "I want you on your back."
He doesn't need to ask twice.
The fingers leave his ass, his mouth leaves Viktor's cock, and Jayce lies down, legs splayed open, arms heavy. Viktor sits up and settles between his legs, eyes tracing over his entire body like a hungry animal.
"Take off your shirt."
Jayce fights himself out of it without a lick of grace. He doesn't care — he doesn't need to impress Viktor by being anything other than himself.
Viktor smirks, eyeing his bare chest.
"Lovely tattoo. A frangipani?"
Jayce nods, mouth twitching.
Viktor runs his hands over Jayce's chest, squeezing his pecs, stroking his abdomen. He takes his time, drinking everything in like he's starving, his cock still hard and leaking.
"You're bigger," he says matter of factly. He squeezes Jayce's pec again, then his bicep and shoulder. Jayce's eyebrows raise slightly, his mouth going dry.
He tries asking whether Viktor likes him like this, but words are still hard. Thankfully, Viktor knows him well enough for asking not to be necessary.
"Gorgeous," he mutters. Jayce nearly stifles an embarrassing moan. Nearly.
With great effort, Jayce lifts a hand and tugs at the bottom of Viktor's sweatshirt in a silent question. His partner — God, they're 'partners' again — takes it off, revealing…
Oh God . Jayce isn't the only one with new tattoos.
The mechanical sleeves Viktor already had months ago now extend to his shoulders and chest. He tosses his sweatshirt onto the floor and looms over Jayce, fully naked save for his prosthetic leg and a sock on his left foot. His top surgery scars are still visible, as if the tattoos were made to accommodate them rather than hide them.
Jayce exhales a shaky breath, taking it all in. Viktor looks so utterly different than he used to, the last time they were like this.
And yet, somehow, he's more himself. Jayce can see it clear as day.
" Fffuck," he mutters.
Viktor huffs out a laugh. "So, you can talk."
"... Barely."
"Remember our safe word?"
"Red… Or —"
He gives Viktor three taps with his index finger on his thigh.
" Good boy. "
Before Jayce can even process how the words are affecting him, Viktor dives down and buries his face in his chest. He bites, licks, sucks his way all over from neck to peck until Jayce is a groaning wreck, once again incapable of stringing a sentence together. His entire body goes limp, only conscious of the feeling of Viktor's hands and mouth on him.
Viktor works on his nipples next, flicking one with his tongue as he thumbs the other, sucking rhythmically.
He pauses. "Do you still like being bitten hard?"
Jayce can only nod furiously. He's met with a sharp bite on his nipple in response.
" AAAH — "
Fuck , it feels incredible. He can't wait to see what his skin will look like come tomorrow.
He kisses down Jayce's torso, all the way down to his groin, gentle breaths ghosting over Jayce's very hard cock. He licks a stripe up the shaft, and Jayce nearly loses his entire mind.
He meets Viktor's gaze and shakes his head. "... I'll come in like, two seconds. N-not yet."
Viktor smiles, nodding, and goes for his ass instead.
He works him up to three fingers, then four for good measure. Jayce eases back into the fullness of it, fucking himself as much as he can on Viktor's hand.
"You're doing so good for me. So handsome."
Jayce whines. It's not enough . He wants Viktor's cock inside him and his tongue in his mouth. He wants to be filled and utterly consumed.
"I'm going to pull out now, I think you're ready."
The emptiness is almost unbearable, but Jayce knows what's coming. He watches, completely transfixed as Viktor pulls his harness out from a box, and his flesh-coloured cock sheath next. He rolls the bottom of the toy on itself, places his dick inside it, and unrolls it so it's gripping him tight.
They learned the hard way that using the sheath without reinforcement risks having it pop off if Jayce clenches a little too hard. And so, Viktor slips on his harness next — a simple pair of black boxer briefs with a ring to put his cock through.
He looks so fucking good, Jayce can't help but reach for him.
Viktor gets the idea quickly. He leans over Jayce's head and fucks his cock in his mouth a few times, groaning as Jayce grips his shaft. They're both a little too impatient to keep it up, though. After only a few seconds, he’s whining around Viktor’s shaft, looking up at him with pleading eyes. Viktor gets the message.
He settles between Jayce’s legs, instead. Viktor grabs some lube from his stash of toys and brings some to his dick, stroking a few times until he's glistening. Jayce can only stare, feeling his ass clench involuntarily around nothing.
“I’m not sure how long I can be on top for,” Viktor mumbles, breathless. “Would you be alright with riding me in a bit?”
To be quite honest, Jayce is so horny he could punch a hole in the wall. Any kind of fucking would be great. He gapes at Viktor, incredulous, a slight groan exiting his mouth.
Viktor raises his eyebrows, smirking. “Alright, alright.”
He leans over Jayce, boxing him in with his lithe body and inked arms, their faces only a few inches apart. Jayce plants his feet down on the mattress, raising his legs for easier access. He feels Viktors’ dick poke at his perineum, sending shockwaves through his body.
It’s almost terrifying. Though he’s been intimate with several people since their breakup, nothing ever made him feel quite so vulnerable. Viktor always had a unique way of undoing him.
He leans in to kiss Jayce’s neck, then his ear.
Jayce probably won’t cry.
“I’m going to start now,” Viktor whispers. Jayce pushes out, feeling Viktor’s slick cock enter him, fill him until it hits his prostate, and then stops. He breathes out in short huffs, staring at Viktor’s flushed face looming above him, watching him let out a slight “ Ah” the second he’s inside him.
Holy shit. Holy shit holy shit —
“... You ready?” his partner asks, almost choked. His eyes are glazed over and unfocused, pupils nearly taking up his entire irises. Jayce can see the effort it’s taking Viktor to wait for his response before starting.
He nods, lifting his feet off the mattress and bringing his legs up to wrap around the small of Viktor’s back. He raises an eyebrow in a silent question.
“... Hah , that’s good,” Viktor sighs, pressing his body against him. Then, he starts.
He pushes his hips forward, his dick brushing right against that exact spot that triggers shockwaves of pleasure. Jayce involuntarily closes his eyes and moans, arching his back against the mattress. Viktor kisses him, and kisses him and bites his neck and fills him up, pushing and pushing and holy shit —
Jayce is fucking dying .
The room is filled with only that slick sound of Viktor fucking him, their shared sighs, and Jayce’s moans. He wraps his arms around Viktor, able to completely engulf him as his partner pounds him relentlessly, biting his ear, trying to dirty talk and coming up short because it’s too fucking good for coherent words.
“You — ah ,” Viktor groans against Jayce’s neck. “G-good boy. Good —”
Even his incoherence is enough to make Jayce’s dick nearly explode.
At a certain point, Viktor slows down. He huffs, burying his face in the crook of Jayce’s neck.
“... Need to switch positions,” he mumbles, gradually slowing to a stop. Jayce nods, eyes still mostly closed, pushing as Viktor pulls out and flops down on his back next to him, catching his breath. He glances at his prosthetic leg, and then at Jayce, raising an eyebrow in a silent question.
For a while, Viktor would never let Jayce touch his leg. He’d always put it off and on himself, insisting he didn’t need help, that he was used to handling it on his own. Jayce respected this and didn’t question it, until maybe over a year into their relationship, when Viktor started being more transparent during certain moments in certain situations, after exerting himself more than usual. The first time he asked Jayce for help taking it off, he sounded incredibly uncomfortable, like it was his first time stringing sentences together, explaining the steps Jayce would need to take to remove it. After that, though, it’d gotten easier.
Despite Viktor never saying it out loud, Jayce knew he was the first and only person Viktor had ever had that conversation with. It was something that didn’t need to be said.
Something about the fact that they’re still at that level with one another pulls at Jayce’s heartstrings, making his hands shake a little as he gently slips the prosthesis off Viktor’s femur, then the liner, then the sock. Viktor only lies back, his eyes closed, taking deep breaths to regain his strength. He opens his eyes, makes contact with Jayce’s and smirks while reaching a hand down to take a hold of his own cock.
“Ride me,” he orders, firmly.
It’s as if his words have a complete hold on Jayce, able to take control of him at the drop of a hat. Jayce mounts on top of him, lines Viktor’s cock up against his hole, and pushes out as he descends, eyes fluttering shut, throwing his head back, and moaning as his ass is filled once again.
Fuck , he’d forgotten how good it feels to sit on a dick.
He raises himself up again and descends, using the strength in his thighs to fuck himself on Viktor, his hands gripping the sides of Viktor’s waist for balance. When he opens his eyes to look at his partner, Viktor looks like he’s fighting against throwing his own head back, trying his damndest to keep his eyes on Jayce. His left hand balls itself in the sheets, while his right fumbles for Jayce’s, before holding it against his abdomen like a lifeline. Jayce builds up a rhythm, feeling Viktor’s cock fill him up again and again, brushing against his prostate and sending shockwaves through his dick, leaking onto both of them.
“ Fuck , Jayce, ” Viktor sighs. “You look so fucking good on my cock —”
Jayce’s breath hitches.
“ Do you want to come ?”
It takes him a few seconds to process the question, but once he does, he’s nodding.
“ Come for me .” Viktor lets go of his hand and wraps it around Jayce’s throbbing dick, only needing to tug one, two times before his mind goes searing white and he spills all over, clenching hard around Viktor.
They don’t last long after that. It only takes a few more moments before Viktor’s coming inside him, his body jerking and face straining with pleasure.
It takes them a minute to come to afterward, and Jayce is trying his best to swallow a growing lump in his throat, his eyes stinging with the beginnings of tears. He slowly pulls himself off Viktor and flops down next to him, his arm around his chest, both breathing heavy sighs.
Viktor doesn’t react right away. His eyes are still closed, mouth still agape as his breaths go slower and slower. Jayce just stares at him, unbelieving, mounting pressure in his chest and throat, thinking holy shit, this is it, isn’t it? This is the beginning of the rest of our lives. This is the time we get together and stay together, for good.
It feels certain. Final. It’s too much. It’s everything.
He hopes Viktor doesn’t mind him bawling into the sheets. It’s not like he can help it.
“... Jayce?” Viktor whispers. He shifts next to him, and puts a hand on his shoulder. Jayce can’t see him, his face pressed firmly into the mattress as he cries harder than he has in a fucking long time. It feels a little embarrassing — he didn’t really want to be the guy who sobs uncontrollably after reunion sex. Who does, really?
But Viktor’s hand is kneading his shoulder and he’s kissing his head, and Jayce knows it’s his way of saying it’s all okay, that he shouldn’t be afraid to be a mess, that Viktor loves his mess and everything that comes with it. That last part doesn’t help abate the crying, but Jayce is kind of starting to not care whether he breaks down or not.
. . .
They order takeout after cleaning themselves up, and they stay in bed. Viktor makes the shawarma order on his phone while Jayce browses his Instagram bookmarks for videos of animals doing weird things set to EDM.
Viktor likes the videos. Of course he does.
He asks Jayce to grab them some whiskey from the cabinet and a couple glasses, not wanting to put his leg back on just yet.
. . .
Two hours later, котенок sleeps curled on the futon with them. The air smells like alcohol, sex, and garlic sauce.
. . .
“How is it going?” Caitlyn asks through Jayce’s phone, her face lighting up his screen. He has the house to himself while Viktor’s at work, and Cait had been bothering him about not having heard from him. He figured now would be as good a time as any to say hi.
Jayce smiles at her, before opening his mouth and —
“Oh my God ,” she interrupts, her eyes growing wide. “You had sex with him, didn’t you?”
He blinks. “... Uh —”
“What happened?!” she nearly yells. “Tell me!”
“Okay, sheesh, we’ve been on the phone for three seconds.”
She grins, her face beaming even brighter. “You did, didn’t you?!”
“Ugh.” Jayce runs a hand down his face. He takes a deep breath, his mouth slowly twitching into a lopsided smile. “Okay, okay, yeah. Yeah we did.”
Caitlyn blinks, her face contorting into what could be mistaken for anger by someone who doesn’t know her as well as Jayce does.
“Okay?!” she yells. “AND?”
He knows she’s just excited, more than anything.
“We, uh… we’re a thing, now. Yeah.”
She scowls. “A ‘thing?’ Jayce, you’re a grown man —”
“We’re partners,” Jayce laughs, rolling his eyes. “In a relationship, whatever. We’re doing it again.”
“Do you feel good about it?” Caitlyn prods.
Jayce smiles, almost taken aback by how happy his own face looks in the little corner of his phone screen. “Honestly, yeah. I feel really fucking good about it.”
Cait exhales, relieved. She smiles at him, her lip trembling a little. “Good. You both deserve the world.”
She looks away at something off screen, her eyes searching. After a moment, she takes a deep breath.
“VI! THEY’RE DATING —”
“ FUCK YEAHH! ”
Jayce might cry all over again.
. . .
On Jayce’s second-to-last night in Berlin, Viktor takes him to a club. They take a small dose of shrooms before heading out.
Viktor is surprisingly comfortable standing on the dance floor, bobbing his head to techno and swaying in Jayce’s arms. They flip between that and making out at a booth the majority of the night.
They don’t have sex again that night, but they keep kissing once they get home, until the early morning sun starts spilling in from the window in Viktor’s bedroom. Jayce’s mind feels electrified, and yet completely at peace.
. . .
Things fall into place after that.
Viktor moves back to Montreal a month and a bit after Jayce’s trip. He and Jayce deliberately decide not to live together, at least not for a while. Not until they figure out how exactly they want their relationship to look. They still haven’t talked seriously about working together again, and to be quite honest both of them agreed things were kind of better that way. Working together is one thing, but their own happiness as a couple is kind of taking priority.
They still have their dreams, of course. They still want to make the world a better place. But, as Caitlyn relentlessly points out, their own lives are important too. And they can’t do jack shit if they aren’t taking care of themselves right.
Sometimes, Jayce isn’t the best at giving Viktor space. Sometimes he overstays his welcome, Viktor says something nasty that he doesn’t actually mean, and they fight. Sometimes they sit in silence afterward, wondering if conflicts are additive somehow, if each one compounds on the next until the relationship is no longer ‘good.’ But as they learn pretty quickly, that’s really not the case. Because every time something breaks, they patch it up stronger. They face the challenges together. And even if things aren’t always pretty, the relationship itself is invariably beautiful.
“I will always love you, Jayce Talis,” Viktor says one night, his eyes red and worn from a fight earlier, where Viktor had said something out of anger and Jayce had taken it personally. “I’m sorry I don’t often react with maturity —”
“I want to be with you for the rest of my life, Viktor Sidorov,” Jayce interrupts, his eyes defiant despite the tears. He takes Viktor’s hand in his. “I don’t give a shit that you’re a bitch sometimes.”
Viktor laughs incredibly hard at that, despite himself.
Jayce smirks. “You’re my bi—”
“Shut the fuck up.” And Viktor kisses him. Just to make sure he does.