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Calloused, strong hands turning the pages of a book, definitely not searching for something. It’s rather distracting for the one who sits on the other side of the blanket, testing her patience. She still waits though. Because she knows it’s no use to try and get the words out of the god by force; it’s just waste of time and effort.
“Why?”
There she is.
“Hm?” Miko didn’t look up from the book she was pretending to read. She always know when something bothers Ei, spending 500 years apart from each other didn’t change that. Miko has changed, so has Inazuma; but Ei stayed just like the day she left. She still can’t hide her wonder when she sees something new, still tilts her head when that pretty head of hers can’t comprehend something, and she still thinks she can hide her emotions with a "stern" face from Miko.
And right now, she is doing just that. Putting on her cold, stern mask; thinking Miko can’t see anything past from it.
It’s so easy to see cracks in her façade for Miko, so easy, it is like breathing, after spending years by her side. Her left eyebrow twitches just slightly, anyone else wouldn’t even notice it. Miko isn’t anyone else though. She knows Ei better than she knows anyone. And Miko loves knowing people, she loves knowing what to except from her opponents and for her, everyone has potential to be one.
Ei is different, wanting to read her face comes from concern. She knows Ei is reserved, she never liked sharing anything about her, let alone her emotions. So Miko learned, learned how to read her god, learned how to ease her worries. Ei started to come to her willingly then, knowing she can't hide anything from Miko. She still tries though, it's rather cute.
“Why would you go such lengths to make me come back? This wasn’t the first time. I know you tried before. Countless times.” Her face was still neutral but Miko can see slight knit of her eyebrows. Ah, she was thinking about this matter for a while. Interesting. Miko always assumed being her familiar and servant was enough as an answer.
Apparently not.
Miko rises her eyes to meet Ei’s. Ei didn’t change a bit but she did. Easily slipping into an uninterested expression, she changes the page, eyes lowering to her book once again. “Inazuma needs its archon. The real one. Not the puppet. You are well aware of it now.”
Ei scoffed at that. “No. I don’t think so. That doesn’t explain anything. You don’t even believe it as you say it.”
Miko stopped herself from knitting her eyebrows. How can she even tell? Was that too robotic? Can you still read my like an open book like you once did, Ei? “Tell me, Ei. What other reason might this humble servant of yours have?”
Oh, Miko has plenty of reasons. Every decade she spent without Ei added newer ones. Love, that has been pounding in her strongly beating heart for centuries for one. She was naïve to think it would go away. That it would turn into hate, to spite. She wanted to hate Ei for leaving her behind.
It did not work, as you can see.
That love inside her grew. It consumed her. And the reason number two appeared. Longing, yearning. That burning desire inside of her, her heart begging just to see Ei’s face once more when she realized she isn’t coming back.
One more time. I am begging whatever god, whatever force of nature is out there to listen, let me see her face once more and I will be content. One more time, let me bid her farewell properly at least. Then take my life for it, if that is the price I must pay.
For the first 50 years, these words kept repeating in her mind every night before she sleep. Truly pathetic if she is being honest. Lovesick, she was lovesick because of the god she was supposed to serve. A god that left her without saying goodbye. She was actually willing to give her life to see that stupid face once more.
Ei finally answered, “I don’t know. That’s why I am asking. I am curious.” She shifted, turning the books in her hands. Still doing her best to not look too curious. It is adorable, really. “I was safe there, wasn’t I? Safe from erosion, outside dangers, any conspiracy, betrayal. Now I am not. You are my familiar. Now you have to make effort to protect me, don’t you? Why bother?”
Miko couldn’t help her laugh at that. Her mask slipped a bit. “Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.” Ei rose her eyebrows, completely forgetting about the stern expression she tried to keep. Miko covered her smile with a delicate hand. “Do you really think all of this,” she pointed at Inazuma City from the garden they were sitting, “is all of your silly little puppet’s doing? Do you really think I didn’t do anything to make sure your reign lasted this long without any major nuisances? Do you really think that you made the perfect ruler, someone who can sense what humans might do when power lay in their mortal hands, someone who knows who to trust, who to keep on short leash?” Ei opened her mouth to speak but Miko didn’t let her. “She didn’t know, Ei. For her, everyone was a threat. Everyone could be the enemy to your- her eternity.
“Even me.” Her eyes locked onto a flying sakura petal. She was feeling melancholic. She never forgot how that puppet looked at her first time they met, not understanding why her creator made special rules for one individual. Miko was young back then, she couldn’t even grasp the seriousness of all of it. She thought her Ei, her master, her god would come back. Raiden Shogun knew better though, she was born ready to protect Inazuma from any kind of danger. For her, Miko could be the biggest threat Inazuma could ever face. Because her Excellency, Almighty Shogun was forbidden from laying a finger on her. She was also forbidden from ordering someone else to do so. If Miko wanted to tear Inazuma apart, in theory, she could. She wanted to, for a while. When Ei left, every part of the land once brought her joy because it was Ei’s dreaded her.
She hated everything. Because everything reminded of her.
That stupid puppet of hers was the worst. Looking so much like Ei, but not carrying that gentleness which was reserved for people who are close to her heart in her eyes. Miko was the only one left from those people, even to this day Ei’s eyes only melt into a certain gentleness that Miko loves so much only for her. Shogun looked at her like she was any other person. She resented it.
500 years and Miko can count the times she and Shogun saw each other in person with her two hands.
Ei's voice softened. “I didn’t mean that. I know I can trust you. I know you worked hard for Inazuma, for eternity we dreamed.” Miko felt her nails digging her palm. She kept her face neutral but felt annoyance rise inside of her. Even after 500 years, that stupid, naïve girl that still lives in a little part of her heart gets flustered with Ei’s compliments, with her appreciation. A part of her she couldn’t get rid of, perhaps she never will. “But me coming back adds more to it. Shogun doesn’t need anything else. She doesn’t need anyone’s support. She wasn’t programmed to listen, to make mistakes and learn from them, she doesn’t need someone to show her the world from different perspectives. She simply does what is best for Inazuma, for eternity. She might lack emotions but she did serve well. She ruled maybe better than I could.” Her eyes piercing Miko’s, searching any kind of answers she could find. There is a hopeful look on her face as she says, “Do you… Do you understand what am I saying?”
She does.
She didn’t, doesn't need you. She never bothered you middle of the night with her worries, with her insecurities she can’t even express well to begin with. She always acts, and her acts would be final. She wouldn’t hesitate. Yes, her rule is a stern one but it was effective. You didn't need to worry about anything; about her health, her well being, her mental state. Some minor problems rose, maybe, but even that didn't really tire you. Not like I would. Not like i will.
How can she answer this? How can she admit she wants to be needed?
It's tiring already. She knows Ei won't let it go. Stubborn, impossible archon of hers. Too dense to acknowledge the obvious. She really pushes Miko to play with her, really.
So once again, she can lie.
She can cut it short by saying something like “Because I experienced her rule for 500 years and I believe a nation ruled by a real archon, not a puppet that can't even grasp the consepts of emotion, dreams, hopes is more healthy.” or use some other ridiculous excuse. Ei would never believe it of course. But she would let it go for now. Until Miko thinks of something clever to shut her up once and for all.
But Miko is tired.
Miko is so tired of keeping masks on her face. She is tired of tiptoeing around matters that pains her heart, feeling her breath burn her windpipe every time she talks about them like they don't matter. She is tired of acting like living without Ei for centuries didn't do any damage to her. Deep down, she wants Ei to see, too. She wants her to understand why she is still having a hard time looking at her way, how it burns whenever their hands brush for a moment.
So just this once, she lets her mask fall. She lets it fall for her god. Hers. Not anyone else’s. Right now, at this very moment, as Ei waits for the words that are about to leave her lips like they are the most important thing in the world, Ei belongs to her.
She doesn’t stop herself from cracking a chuckle that gives pain to her stomach. Because it’s painful. Loving Ei is painful. She doesn’t stop her voice from shaking, too. “Hah, you want to know why I go such lenghts to get you back? You might be waiting for an answer like 'I believe you, even when you don't believe in yourself.' But that is not it. Of course I believe you. Of course I don't just believe but know you are a better ruler than an emotionless puppet. But that's not it. The main reason is..." She closes her eyes. She is going to regret this. "Because I am selfish and greedy.”
This catches Ei off guard. “Selfish… And greedy?”
A sharp breath. “Yes. I am greedy. I am greedy for the sight of you. I want to see your face when I wake up, and before I go to sleep. I am greedy for your voice. It’s my most favorite sound in the world. I want you to talk all the time. I want you to tell me even the most boring thing you could ever think of. I will roll my eyes to you because I can never act true, my masks are the way I protect myself from getting," she swallows and takes another breath, "hurt but my heart will cherish it nonetheless. I am greedy for your touch. I want you to hold me, touch me, until I no longer know where you end and I start. And I am selfish. Oh yes, I am selfish. Because I want you all to myself. When I do something, it isn’t for good of Inazuma. Not really. It is for you. Always. I love Inazuma because you love it, because it is so dear to you. I love this land, because every corner of it reminds me of you. I want to protect it because you hold it so dear to your heart. But to protect you, to keep you safe, I would tear everything apart or die trying. Shogun was right about that. My love is a threat to eternity. Because I would do anything for you. Anything.”
Miko doesn’t feel relief. She already feels regret. She just admitted Shogun was right. She is a threat. She doesn’t really care for anything other than Ei. Her Ei. She would find a way to protect her even if Ei makes her leave. Even if she finds her unworthy of being her familiar. Even though Ei doesn't even need protection from her. She doesn’t really expect Ei to love her back the way she does. She still looks at Ei, her beautiful Ei, silent as she comprehend her words. A tear falls from Miko's eye. Great.
“Miko, I-“ Her mouth opens. Closes. Opens. Closes.
“It’s alright, Ei. I don’t expect you to say something.” she whispers. She knows her voice will break if she speaks any louder. Her gaze falls to the book on her lap. Embarrassment burns in her every cell. Silly little kitsune. Deep down still wants to be loved. Still wants all that she lost back. Still greedy for her master's attention.
A moment passes before Ei’s hand grasps her chin, lifting her face to look at her. A soft smile adorns her face, it stirs something inside of Miko. This. This is her favorite sight. Her god, smiling. “I am not really good with words. But you already know that. All those light novels you gave me didn’t really help too, I guess it can't be fixed now.” She chuckles now. Her favorite voice.
“So I will be direct.” Her hand wipes another tear on her face. Miko didn’t realize she had shed another tear. “My Miko. Always what I need, when I need the most. Perfect. You are perfect.”
Miko gives her a teary laugh. “I am so many things but not that. That’s a bit cheesy, my dear Ei.”
“No?” Ei laughs too. “Not for everyone, maybe. But for me, you are. That’s why you are my familiar. We complete each other perfectly. Don’t you think?” Ei’s thumb caresses her lips. Miko feels her heart slow down, she feels serene. “Miko. My Miko. My love.” Ei tries the words in her mouth, again and again. “Miko. My love. I love you too. Forgive me.”
Miko wants to say something, wants to shout her love again and again too before her inner fox catches up and puts up that mask of a sly kitsune on her face once again. But Ei doesn’t let her, she connects their lips. She was never good with words anyway, her eagerness, her heart beating oh so loudly in her chest tells Miko enough.
So she lets Ei kiss her lips, her hair. She lets Ei hold her. She lets a few more tears fall from her eyes. Tears of tiredness, relief and a bit of pain.
When a new day rises though, she will deny everything. She will deny that her mask fell. That she cried in her god’s arms. That she was vulnerable and needy, needy of her god’s gaze. Ei will still know, though. She will know how much love she carries in her heart. That loving a god is too much for even a kitsune who is as smart and beautiful as she is.
She will know it pains her and there is nothing to do about it because she also belongs to people of Inazuma. Right now though, as the day slips into night, she can pretend Ei is hers and hers alone.
Just for now.