Work Text:
Ainosuke opened his eyes to find himself in bed, stirring awake as the sunlight kissed his skin and bothered him enough to rise from his slumber. The curtains were open and the room was overflowing with light, which meant it was likely later than it should have been for him to start his daily duties.
“Tadashi?” he called out, knowing that his faithful secretary was never too far from his side.
“Yes, Ainosuke-sama?”
He followed the sound of his voice and found him sitting down at the desk, laptop and notepad out, showing the man was already hard at work while he himself was only just sitting up in bed.
“What time is it?”
“11:23.”
That was late. Way too late. He didn't know his schedule well enough to be able to pinpoint which of his responsibilities had been pushed to the side as he slept, but he knew enough to be aware of the fact that he should have woken up over four hours ago.
"Tadashi! Why didn't you wake me up earlier?" he complained, rushing out of bed despite the already undeniable tardiness.
"I… tried."
The hesitation on Tadashi's voice and the tense silence that surrounded those words made Ainosuke's stomach drop, anxiety closing up his throat.
Ever since the incident, weird things kept happening around Ainosuke's sleep; some days, he'd wake up screaming, inconsolable and unable to regain control of himself until the pertinent medication found him. Others, he'd wake feeling sick to his stomach, feeling vile rising up at the memory of slimy fingers gripping at him and with their voices echoing inside his head. Sometimes, he'd wake up and feel nothing, unable to get out of bed. And sometimes, he would wake up new and refreshed, as though he'd never known hardship in his life.
He had assumed that today was one of those rare yet refreshing times, but the look on Tadashi's face said otherwise.
"What happened?" He asked, even if he wasn't entirely sure he wanted to know.
"You were restless, Ai-sama." Tadashi said, getting up from his work and preparing to assist him in whatever way Ainosuke would let him. "It was best to let you sleep. I logged on to the online meeting and took the liberty to write down anything of note. We can go over it later today."
The fact that Tadashi was refusing to tell him what had happened did nothing but worry Ainosuke.
"What did I do?" he demanded to know.
"I must have startled you while trying to wake you up."
"Tadashi, what did I do?" he insisted.
Tadashi hesitated again, seemingly struggling to find the right words to explain the incident, simply adding to Ainosuke's worry.
"You punched me," he finally said.
Ainosuke was aware that Tadashi was still talking and was trying to make a point of telling him he would be fine and whatnot, but he wasn't listening. He had hit him, out of panic and in a completely uncontrolled way. And he didn't even remember it. The all too familiar feeling of vile rising while anxiety clawed at his insides left Ainosuke panting for breath.
"Ai, look at me," Tadashi urged. "It's okay. I'm okay. Can I touch you?"
“Don’t,” he choked out, grappling with the guilt he felt and trying his best to remain grounded.
Tadashi took a step back and put his hands up, showing that he had no intention to come closer until Ainosuke allowed it, giving him space to gather himself.
For the past couple of months, Ainosuke had been struggling with the fact that everything he was had been somehow affected by what had happened to him. Sometimes it was the small things, like the fact that he could no longer stomach the scent of whiskey, or how he had stopped wearing ties, but other times… well, other times he woke up to discover that he had attacked the person he cared about the most.
“I’ve put ice on it, Ai. I will be fine,” Tadashi promised in a soft voice. “You don’t have to worry about it.”
Ainosuke knew that he had reasons to worry about it, regardless of what Tadashi said, but voicing those concerns wouldn’t do anything for him - this was his life now, he just had to learn how to live in it.
“I’ll go get dressed,” Ainosuke said after a pause that felt too long, perhaps in need of a moment alone.
“I’ll be here, Ai-sama. I’ll bring us tea.”
Ainosuke nodded, making his way to his wardrobe to select his outfit and walking to the bathroom to dress himself.
Tadashi had never questioned his decision to dress and undress privately despite being lifelong companions and having spent the better half of a decade as lovers, and Ainosuke couldn’t be more grateful for it.
He didn’t feel ready to let him see how his body had changed in the aftermath of things; he had always taken great pride in his looks, so having Tadashi see without a shadow of a doubt that he had gained weight due to the medication he was on was not something he was prepared to face. And that was without even mentioning the large surgical scar that rested just under his ribs, to his left side. He understood that emergency surgery had been necessary, and that he could have died had doctors not fixed the internal bleeding quickly enough… but why did it have to be so ugly? A permanent brand upon what had once been a near perfect body. A reminder of the time he had been beaten within an inch of his life.
Ainosuke managed to dress himself after a while pondering the changes to his physique, forcing himself into one of his less-form-fitting suits and making his way out into the bedroom, where Tadashi awaited with tea and information about the meeting he had missed and the work he was supposed to be doing that day.
Ever since the incident, Ainosuke had been living life in a more reserved way, not venturing outside the confines of his own home unless it was explicitly necessary and completely unavoidable.
It was public knowledge that young Diet Member Shindo had been involved in a certain incident - a robbery gone wrong, they've said in order to preserve the man’s decency - that landed him in hospital for a good few days, so it wasn’t a surprise to anyone that he worked from home as much as possible through recovery. People cared about him and his career, so they offered grace and understanding while he healed. Ainosuke couldn’t help but wonder whether the same courtesy would be extended his way if the public knew what had really happened to him and why, but he knew better than to let his mind wander down those roads.
In fact, he already knew the answer to that question; having that happen to him was enough evidence to make it clear that people wouldn’t see him with the same amount of sympathy and care if they knew. They would find a way to blame him for it, to make sure that he knew he was asking for it given the way he carried himself, that he should be grateful he was still alive and maybe take this as a wake-up call to start acting more normal.
Ainosuke sighed; it was clear that today was going to be one of those days. He had been awake for under an hour, yet he had somehow managed to make himself fall into a loop of overthinking and reminding himself how much his life had changed with one single twist of fate.
Whether Tadashi hadn’t noticed his inner turmoil or he made the executive choice to pretend he did not, Ainosuke didn’t know, but he was grateful for the fact that his secretary was quick to pour them tea and encourage them to dive right into the work they should have been doing several hours ago.
Ainosuke followed suit without complaining, letting himself be talked through mind-numbing discussions of petty feuds held between local politicians with more power than common sense by his ever-so-professional secretary.
Even if he didn’t dare say it out loud, the fact was that - deep inside - Ainosuke knew that seeing him work so efficiently did nothing but make him resent him. He hated knowing that Tadashi knew everything that had been done to him on that fateful night, yet somehow managed to keep it together and pretend that nothing had changed, that everything was okay and that they would continue to be just fine once time put some distance between them and what happened. He hated that he was too prudent to hurt him with a careless word or action, too contained to ever let him know what he really thought of him after everything that happened.
In a way, he knew that Tadashi was bound to be hurting too, so the fact that he refused to show it was enough to bring about something reminiscent of the dark feelings that fractured their relationship in their early adulthood. He didn’t like having those feelings again, but he didn’t know how to address them, and was well aware that Tadashi would never dare bring the topic forward on his own volition.
Now that he thought about it, though, Ainosuke knew that Tadashi refusing to acknowledge what had happened was his very own way to protect himself, to keep it together for the sake of them both… and he absolutely hated it. He knew Tadashi blamed himself for being unable to foresee the danger, blaming himself over the fact that he had been alone when those men found him, that he wished he could change what had happened, but the bottom line was he could not. There was nothing to be done other than sit on the issue and hope it wasn’t a ticking time bomb that would kill them both.
“I want to go to ‘S’ tonight,” Ainosuke announced out of the blue, without looking at Tadashi. He knew that the man was already bursting at the seams with very valid reasons as to why that would be a terrible idea, and he didn’t feel like listening to them.
“Are you sure?” Tadashi asked, simply and without fighting him.
“Yes.”
Tadashi nodded, letting the subject drop even if it was clear that he was worried.
Ainosuke hesitated, unsure of whether he wanted to ask him why and risk hearing the endless flow of worries that would make more sense than his sudden surge of bravado. He already knew that it was a terrible idea: he had barely left the house in weeks, so the crowds, smoke and mirrors from ‘S’ didn’t sound like the best way to ease himself back into public life, and neither did getting back on a skateboard after substantial physical injury.
“Tell me why it's a bad idea,” he finally said, caving into the pressure.
“It’s not,” Tadashi hurried to reassure him even if Ainosuke was convinced he wasn’t being truthful.
“But?”
“But I worry.”
“About…” he pressed, making Tadashi look very uncomfortable.
“About you,” he said. “Adam has always been too much - the skating, the outfit, the dancing… and I worry he’s too too much for now.”
Ainosuke sighed. He had lost his ability to sleep peacefully, the momentum he had in his career, many aspects from the relationship he and Tadashi had built against all odds - hell, he had even lost his stupid spleen in that surgery to fix his insides… was he really going to end up losing skating as well? And - more importantly - if he had to lose everything that made him who he was, was surviving even worth it?
“I want to try. I need to try,” Ainosuke said, pleading.
“Then we’ll go,” Tadashi reassured, setting his hand down on the table and putting his palm up to invite Ainosuke to hold hands if he felt up to sharing even the most minute physical contact.
Ainosuke didn’t know which one was worse: that Tadashi had to treat him as though he was made of chipped porcelain and could crumble at the drop of a hat, or the fact that he very well might fall apart over something as simple as touch he had not been expecting.
He accepted the offer to hold hands, setting his hand atop Tadashi’s and allowing him to pivot his own so they could lace their fingers together, sighing at the familiar touch and the comfort that came with it despite everything that had changed for him.
It wasn’t long before Tadashi was effortlessly redirecting their attention to the minutes they were meant to go over in order to prepare for the next Diet meeting, going through several work documents while keeping their hands entwined, keeping them both grounded in what they were doing in hopes to avoid their minds racing at the prospect of heading over to ‘S’ later that night.
They had plenty of work to do, so it was relatively easy to force focus onto the many tasks needed to keep on top of Ainosuke’s busy work schedule. The idea of finally allowing himself to go back to ‘S’ was still burning in the back of his mind, but the constant attention his work entailed meant that Ainosuke couldn’t simply allow himself to get lost in what he wanted and what he feared. There would be enough time for that later on.
Work was enough to keep them busy for the rest of the day, but when dusk fell and time for dinner came, Ainosuke knew that there was nowhere to hide from his ever-growing anxiety regarding his Matador of Love persona and what even thinking about skating again would mean. He could see the same worry growing in Tadashi’s eyes the moment they sat down together to have dinner with each other.
“Do you still want to go tonight?” Tadashi asked, breaking the awkward silence that had made itself obvious as they ate their meal and could feel time inching closer to what would undoubtedly be a complicated encounter with Adam.
“Yes,” Ainosuke replied, taking a sip of water.
Tadashi nodded.
“Would you like me to help you with your outfit?” he offered.
Ainosuke hesitated; Adam’s outfit was a complicated beast that made tackling it alone a lot of work, but he knew that letting Tadashi help him - as he always had - might be too big an ask given the current standstill of everything physical regarding their relationship.
He knew that it wasn’t like Tadashi would comment on the way his body had changed or make fun of him, and neither would he make the situation sexual merely upon seeing him undressed, but the fact was that this rational knowledge couldn’t quite reach the part of him that he feared had been lost. Simply put, he did not want Tadashi to see him. He did not want to make him come face to face with the long-lasting effects that the attack had left upon his body even if he was completely aware that Tadashi knew things had changed and why.
Ainosuke knew things would never be the same between them, but he wasn’t ready to confirm this suspicion by having Tadashi looking at his undressed body with pity and pain rather than with the love and lust that had once been thick and palpable between them both. Back then, having him help him don his Adam suit on had been an act of devotion and eroticism, a ritual sacred to them both, a promise of what would inevitably come later that night, and now… well, he just wasn’t sure. He didn’t want to taint that memory with the pity-fest he was sure post-attack Adam would be.
“I’m sure you’ll be able to dress yourself if you prefer to,” Tadashi said, pulling Ainosuke out of his thoughts and leaving him to wonder how long he had been pondering his answer for Tadashi’s patience to falter. “It will take longer, but there is no rush.”
“No.”
Tadashi looked at him, unmoving, trying to understand.
“I want you to help me,” Ainosuke said.
Tadashi nodded, and the topic was dropped for the remainder of their meal, with both men forcing themselves to revert back into innocuous smalltalk of a lifetime shared together; there commented on how tasty dinner was and how they looked forward to tomorrow’s menu, on the fact that Tadashi’s phone was starting to act up and that it might be prudent to replace it, and on how much Ainosuke wished the seasonal rain showers would relent soon. Anything to keep up the illusion of having a normal dinner for just a little longer before everything came crashing down.
It was only when dinner wrapped up and they were back in the privacy of Ainosuke’s room that the anxiety of both men became palpable.
“Let’s just get this over with,” Ainosuke breathed out. The longer they stood in tense silence, working themselves up about the many potential pitfalls that becoming Adam again posed, the more likely it was for things to go wrong - perhaps it was best to jump straight into it, rip off the bandage.
Tadashi complied, making his way to the very back of Ainosuke’s closet and returning with a plain black suit carrier that held everything that made Adam within it. He looked over at Ainosuke, as if to ask what to do next; normally, they would make Adam come alive in one of the many secret spaces of ‘S’, never within the Shindo Estate, but the fact that the thought that they might very well not make it all the way there hung heavily in the air as Tadashi waited for a direct order.
Ainosuke stepped forward, taking hold of the suit carrier and setting it down in bed before unzipping it open. The sigh of bright, beautiful velvet with golden trimmings greeting him brought the tiniest of smiles to his lips, a sliver of hope shining through despite it all.
As he moved to take off his tie and jacket, Ainosuke couldn’t help but feel a little excited, trying to imagine what going back to ‘S’ could feel like after months away - yes, he might not be able to skate to the level he had done before, but he thought that being there would energise him in ways that he had been lacking and desperately wanted back in his life.
He took his shirt off with his back to Tadashi, taking care to have Adam’s shirt unbuttoned and ready to allow himself to be bare for as little time as physically possible while changing garments. He forced himself to focus on the cool sensation of fresh clothes against his skin, quietly counting the buttons as he fastened them together and keeping his eyes closed on the off chance that he could catch a glimpse of his own body and ruin his mood in the process. It felt unnatural, very much unlike his past body-confident self, but he decided to not interrogate his current actions too much and try to stick to the sudden elation that came with the idea of being able to pick up where he left off in just this one thing he loved. It would be a much-deserved break.
His sudden rush of positivity came to a halt when he went on to slide the velvet trousers up his legs, immediately finding them snugger than they had ever been before. He felt a wave of disgust wash over him as he wondered whether he would even be able to do the button at his waistband up - not that it mattered much, as skating in such tight clothing could be uncomfortable at best and impossible at worst.
“Shall I help you with the vest, Ainosuke-sama?” Tadashi asked, pulling him back into reality. There was no doubt in Ainosuke’s mind that he had noticed his distress and decided to intervene before he could spiral out of control.
Ainosuke hesitated; the vest was a complicated garment, built like a corset and reinforced with spiral-steel boning to support his posture and give The Matador of Love a certain figure, so he couldn’t help but feel nervous about it for a large number of reasons. Judging by the way the waistband felt against his body, he was seriously concerned that the carefully tailored piece wouldn’t fit him, and even if it did, he wasn’t sure he would be able to tolerate the tight squeeze that he had once loved of being laced into shape.
He nodded eventually, taking in a steady breath and closing his eyes for a moment as he heard Tadashi moving behind him, grabbing the vest and approaching him to start helping him in.
“Ready?” Tadashi asked, and Ainosuke knew he wouldn’t dare touch him unless he openly let him know that he was ready to welcome that.
It took one more half-hearted nod before Tadashi stepped in to help him slip the vest on, letting it hang open and unlaced off his body. So far, there was no problem, but Ainosuke knew the hardest part was yet to come.
“Just do it already, Tadashi.” Ainosuke spat out before his very concerned companion could ask him whether he was okay again ; he knew things were different and that he might very well freak out if touched too much, but having Tadashi walking on eggshells around him angered him.
Without a single word, Tadashi moved in to start closing the busk at the front of the corset vest. Ainosuke could feel that he was being very deliberate in his movements, taking care to only grab onto the fabric and avoid touching his body too much; on a rational level, he knew that Tadashi was only doing so to avoid upsetting him, but the fact of the matter was that he felt as though he was avoiding his body out of sheer disgust.
“Turn around for me, Ai-sama,” Tadashi said, stepping back to make sure the corset sat well on his body.
Ainosuke felt warmth wash over him as the familiar request washed over him, but immediately felt his heart fall as he found himself simply turning around - no theatrical flourish with gratuitous dance steps, no thrusting hips, no playful smack to his own bottom, nothing. Tadashi didn’t comment on it, but he sure had noticed, making Ainosuke wonder what he really thought about how things were.
Tadashi stepped in a little closer, grabbing onto the corset’s laces and starting to straighten them and tighten the garment to fit his body without saying anything. Every slight pull of the laces made Ainosuke’s breath hitch, forcing himself to keep focus and remind himself that everything was okay.
Eventually, the pull on the laces stopped and he could feel Tadashi tying the laces together and securing them in place even though the corset was barely flush against his body and the two back panels were several inches apart, not right against each other as they used to back in the day when he could still embody his alter ego and lace down to a tight squeeze.
Once more, Tadashi was quick to push the next step forward and keep Ainosuke from spiralling into a dark place within his own mind. He took the bolero jacket and helped him into it, gently straightening it before stepping back.
“Let me do your hair, Ai.” Tadashi said, gently moving in to very, very gently stroke his hair.
Ainosuke complied, moving to sit down in bed and letting Tadashi coax his hair out of his gelled prison and bringing Adam’s whirlwind hair to life. It was surprisingly soothing, allowing himself to close his eyes and slowly compose himself again.
“All done,” Tadashi said after a moment, barely touching his fingers over his cheek in a ghost of a caress. “Just the mask left.”
With that, Ainosuke got up from where he sat and reluctantly made his way to the full-body mirror at the edge of his wardrobe, prompting Tadashi to bring him his mask. He made a point to not look at himself until the mask was secured onto his face, taking a deep breath before finally allowing himself to look.
It was… not what he had been expecting.
The suit fit a bit differently, he looked a bit different over all, and the fact that he was standing in the middle of his room and not in a private changing room at ‘S’ wasn’t helping, but the main factor was that Adam wasn’t there. He couldn’t quite place it; the hair, the mask, everything was flawlessly there, but there was some degree of lifelessness that he did not understand.
With his heart on his stomach, Ainosuke came to the realisation that becoming Adam was much more than simply putting on his suit, and that what was looking back at him in the mirror was not Adam: it was nothing but Ainosuke Shindo - or whatever was left of him - wearing ill-fitting clothes that did not belong to him.
Adam was as good as dead as far as Ainosuke could tell. All the passion, the playfulness, the joie de vivre that had once characterised his alter ego was entirely gone from his life, so it had been stupid to think that they would all somehow come back simply because he put on a stupid mask and a corset.
“Get me out of this suit, Tadashi,” he ordered, hating the desperation and distress that dripped from his voice.
Tadashi moved forward, standing behind him and reaching just over his shoulder to take the mask off, revealing Ainosuke’s face in clear discomfort.
“I’m going to hug you. Is that okay?” he announced.
Ainosuke could do nothing but take a deep breath in, as if bracing himself for contact before giving an almost-imperceptible nod in response.
It was a matter of seconds before strong yet delicate arms wrapped around his waist, holding him in place and prompting Ainosuke to rest his hands atop the forearms that now rested on his middle. He kept his eyes glued on their reflection as they settled into the hug, almost certain that he could feel an exhausted sigh escape the tireless secretary as they held that position.
Tadashi didn’t say anything, holding him in silence and moving in to rest his cheek against the protective shoulder pad to the left of his face, looking at their joint reflection and letting their breathing sync up.
“I would like to kiss your cheek now, Ai,” he said after a while.
Ainosuke felt his breath hitch, taking a second to consider the proposal before nodding, keeping his eyes glued on their reflection as he could feel Tadashi move and press a chaste peck to his cheek.
They had shared very limited physical contact in the months since the attack, so that little peck was enough to bring butterflies into Ainosuke’s stomach. The good kind of butterflies. And for just one second, he could see himself . It came and went in the blink of an eye, but he was certain that - for just one split second - he had been able to see the faintest spark of hope and life staring back at him from the man in the mirror.
Part of him did not believe what he had just witnessed, but Tadashi’s smile came as a reassuring balm: he had seen it too, and somehow, he still believed that recovery was within reach, no matter how far.