Chapter Text
“Don’t tell her how you feel.. I want us to stay best friends. I want things to stay the way they are now...”
It started after her rejection.
Sure, she and Ikjun had been spending more time with each other than with the other boys by having meals and coffee together during their free time, but she never thought that their platonic relationship could bloom into more—for him. To say that she was flabbergasted over his confession during their NS team dinner was an understatement. That one fateful night, she could see that Ikjun was trying his best to keep mum just to avoid her residents’ taunting questions by drinking glass after glass of soju, never minding the fact that he’s getting drunker by the second. He’s trying his best to not make her feel awkward, but Chihong just had to think otherwise.
And there, he said it. The words that she longed to hear when she was still burning with love for the bespectacled boy who gave her a scrunchie during their med school interview. The words that her 20-year-old self would die to hear from her first love that he, too, felt the same way. But it’s already 20 years too late.
Songhwa is not gonna lie, she was scared that Ikjun would act indifferently towards her post-rejection, but he didn’t. He is still the same old, bubbly and funny Ikjun that she knew—the Gongnyong Ridge’s ball of sunshine and Yulje’s inssa doctor.
In the eyes of their best friends and colleagues, nothing has changed between the two of them. They are still the same old Ikjun and Songhwa who bickered from time to time mostly due to Songhwa’s workload and eating habits, but she knew in herself that something has changed between them. In fact, it was too subtle that anyone won’t be able to notice the changes but her.
One, Ikjun had stopped asking her out for meals and coffee breaks together every time she is in Yulje. He may not say it out loud but his actions made her aware that he is doing it out of consideration for her feelings. And it breaks her heart a little when she herself knows that eating with her and drinking coffee together is the only treat that he gives himself, but she deprived him of that opportunity when she asked him not to confess.
Two, Ikjun does not stay inside her office for much longer. Whenever she is coming over from Sokcho, it is like an unspoken rule within their circle that they must eat lunch together inside her office if they are available. Pre-rejection era, Ikjun was always the first one to arrive before the boys, sometimes even before her. Whenever she gets sidetracked by her residents and patients, she will always find him already making himself comfortable in her couch once she arrives inside her office before the other boys come barging in one by one. The sight of him completely engrossed in his mobile game always brought a smile to her lips. But now, no Ikjun greets her once she arrives inside the room. He became the last member to arrive and the first to leave after their shared meals.
Three, he stopped asking her out for night walks after their band practice sessions. He claims that Uju is eagerly waiting for him at home, or he still needs to study his patient’s charts, or he has to prepare for a conference. Always the same excuses. Just to avoid her.
And four, she noticed that he is smoking a little too frequently. As far as she knows, Ikjun is just an occasional smoker. He only smokes when he is stressed about anything personal life-related, when his patient’s condition is deteriorating or whenever Andrea asks for company. But due to recent circumstances, she could say that he is stressed out about life to the point that he smokes at least once or twice a day.
A week after she indirectly turned him down, she went to Yulje to tend to a VIP patient who was diagnosed with Intracerebral Hemorrhage. She was passing by the smoking area with her car when she spotted him smoking while sitting on the bench. Alone at barely 7am in the morning. At first, she wasn’t that bothered because she knew that Ikjun only smokes whenever he likes it or whenever something is stressing him out, and she suspects that it may be due to one of his patients. But the sight of him smoking and sitting on one of the benches in the smoking area—every morning whenever she visits the main Yulje branch and at night as she leaves for Sokcho—in a consistent manner during her weekly visits, alarmed her to no end.
Songhwa felt ill to her stomach when it occurred to her that she might be the root of his stress as a result of what happened a few weeks ago. She believes that she is to blame for what is currently happening to Ikjun, but Songhwa knows in herself that the HPB surgeon is not trying to make her feel guilty since Ikjun is not the kind to do so. Heck, she wouldn’t even know that he became a regular smoker behind her back if she had not caught sight of him. She is getting worried that smoking may have been his coping mechanism as a consequence to the heartache that she unintentionally caused him.
It was already 9pm when she finished her surgery. After checking the patient in the ICU and consulting the patient’s guardians, she immediately made her way to her office to rest because her neck is already starting to act up before driving back to Sokcho. Once inside, Songhwa plopped herself against her couch and released a long sigh. She had been in the surgery room since two in the afternoon, and her stomach is already making incessant noises due to hunger. Barely opening her eyes, she reached for her phone to order some dinner all while ignoring the conscious thought that he is not yet here again to welcome her after a tiring day. A sad smile graced her lips.
She was scrolling thru her food app when her peripheral vision caught sight of a bright pink sticky note on the top right corner of her glass table. Intrigued, she took the note and read its content.
Good job, Songhwa-yah! I already ordered dinner for you. Check the fridge. Drive back safely to Sokcho, okay? :D
She felt warmth spread across her chest. Although it was written anonymously, she could only think of one name.
Lee Ikjun.
Songhwa knows his handwriting like the back of her hand.
She immediately checked the inside of her fridge and truth be told, a packed dinner and an energy drink is there along with her mineral water bottles. She sent Ikjun a text to give thanks and waited a few minutes for a response but he didn’t reply, then she checked the time on her wristwatch. He’s probably sleeping already, Songhwa mused.
After eating and changing out of her scrubs, she grabbed her belongings and exited the room. She was halfway thru the door of Ikjun’s office when she came face to face with Gyeoul in the hallway.
She chuckled while observing the young surgeon. Her hair is unkempt, her scrubs all wrinkled, and her slender arms are holding up a pile of documents, yet she beamed at her when their eyes met.
“Annyeonghaseyo, Chae Songhwa gyusonim.”
Songhwa’s eyes crinkled in adoration. “Annyeong.” She stopped her tracks and slipped her thumb to her jean pocket. “You could call me Unnie, you know. No one’s around us.”
Gyeoul shyly smiled at her.
“Where are you going, Gyeoul-ah? Ikjun’s office?”
“Ye, unnie.” The GS surgeon slightly raised the papers in her arms. “He asked me to print out the materials he needs for the conference that he will be attending the day after tomorrow. I’ll just put them in his desk.”
Gyeoul bowed her head and was about to excuse herself from the neurosurgeon when the latter tapped her shoulder.
“Gyeoul-ah..” The former’s doe eyes are looking at her expectantly. Songhwa took a deep breath before asking the question that she had been debating to ask since she first laid her eyes on the young woman that night.
“Has Ikjun been acting strange lately? Especially the few weeks prior?” She faked a chuckle so the question can come out as a joke.
Gyeoul put on her thinking face. “I’ve always been with him and… I think nothing was amiss. Only that Lee Ikjun gyusonim took up more surgeries than the usual since 4-5 weeks ago. But I observed that during his breaks, he always goes to the hospital garden. I actually saw him with Jeongwon oppa in the smoking area a few hours ago.” She softly said before donning a worried expression.
Songhwa waved her hands to brush off the resident’s apprehension. “Don’t worry, nothing’s wrong. I was just curious on what he’s up to because he’s been so busy these days; he was actually just working hard for you know.” She flashed Gyeoul a big smile. “I’ll go first, Gyeoul-ah. Don’t tell Andrea about our conversation, he’ll get paranoid.” The two women laughed. “Thank you and take care.”
Gyeoul bowed her head and said her goodbyes before opening the door to Ikjun’s office. Songhwa was just about to leave when she noticed that Ikjun’s office table is still lit with his desk light, his computer flashing an unfinished powerpoint presentation, and his phone perched atop a thick Hepatobiliary and Pancreatic Surgery book, which explained his lack of response from earlier.
He’s still here.
A minute had already passed but she is still in the driver’s seat, unmoving. The rational side of her is telling her to start driving towards Sokcho because her shift starts early tomorrow, but something within her is telling her to go back. To go to the garden and check on him.
No one told her about Ikjun’s current whereabouts but her mind could vividly envision him sitting on one of the benches while puffing out smoke. Songhwa knows that she is not really on the right position to tell him what and what not to do but she is desperate to stop him from ruining himself. For him. For Uju.
And maybe for her, too.
Before she knew it, she already made her way to the garden.
His back is on her.
His left hand is supporting his body as he slightly leaned back, eyes fixed forward, and a lit cigarette is dangling between his right forefinger and middle finger. He was taking another drag when she approached the doorway of the smoking area.
Many seconds have passed since she stood by the doorway but Ikjun still failed to notice her presence. His eyes were devoid of any emotion, yet she could say that the gears on his head are on working mode.
“Ikjun-ah..”
Upon hearing her voice, his eyes changed. There was now a hint of adoration, pain… and longing. He took another drag, closed his eyes and tilted his head back as he released the smoke from his mouth with a wistful smile.
Did he seriously thought that he was only imagining things? Songhwa internally grumbled.
“Yah, Lee Ikjun.”
Ikjun’s eyes comically snapped towards her direction and tried his best to discreetly hide the cigarette away from her.
“S-Songhwa-yah?” He straightened his back. “It’s already late. Why are you still here? Y-Yah, don’t you have your outpatients early tomorrow?”
She ignored his questions. “What are you doing?” Her intimidating voice made his heart race. He could only wish that he won’t stutter in front of her.
“Nothing..?” Songhwa raised her eyebrow.
Ikjun sheepishly smiled while rubbing the back of his head, “Okay, fine, uhm.. I was smoking, of course. It would be weird to stay inside this cubicle without doing so.” He lightly chuckled. “And I was eating strawb-“
Before he could even complete his sentence, Songhwa was already on her way to him, eyes fixed and twinkling at the sight of strawberries on his side. When she settled beside him, both of her hands laid flat on her lap as she pressed her lips together, eyes darting between him and the pink fruit as if asking for permission. Ikjun laughed.
“It’s okay, eat it,” he took one piece and offered it to her. “I know you want to.”
She uttered a quick thanks before taking the fruit from his hand at the same time picking another piece from the plastic with her other hand. Her cheeks were protruding like a chipmunk’s as she gobbled down her food, eyes never leaving the plastic that contained the food she is currently devouring.
Ikjun looked at her with amusement. “Slow down, Songhwa-yah. I don’t have any water with me right now.” He gently chided her. She munched fast before gulping.
“I have three brothers.” They said in unison. Songhwa glared at him.
“I know, and they are all bony.” Ikjun scoffed. “No one’s taking your food away from you. I mean, that’s technically mine, but yeah.”
She is now on her fourth piece and the juice from the fruit accidentally dribbled to her chin. Ikjun pulled a handkerchief from his scrub pocket and gave it to her.
“It’s delicious, right?” Songhwa nodded her head while munching, Ikjun smiled. “The auntie from the cafeteria gave it to me for free.”
If Ikjun were to be honest, this is the first time in weeks that he felt genuine happiness. And ironically, he got it from the same person who made him like this. Chae Songhwa’s power over him is admirable, really.
Ikjun faced his body away from her to light another cigarette, failing to notice that the woman beside him had already stopped eating.
He was exhaling the smoke when Songhwa spoke.
“How can I make you stop doing that, Ikjun-ah?”
Ikjun looked at her, confused. “Hm?”
“Smoking..” She softly trailed while looking at the lit substance on his hand. Ikjun followed her gaze.
“You’re a doctor. You know that’s bad for your health. I’ve been telling you and Jeongwon for years to try and cut off from your vices, but you couldn’t. You wouldn’t listen.” She sucked a breath. “I’ve been observing, and it seems that you’re smoking more frequently than before behind my back, Ikjun-ah. I know it’s not my right at all to tell you this, but I’m worried. And I’m worried for Uju.” That’s when she only looked at him straight in the eye, concern clouded her features.
It’s heartening to hear coming from her mouth that she’s worried of him not only for herself, but for his son as well. Of course, he knows. He knows that what he’s doing would bring more harm than good. But what can he do when this is the only escape that he knows?
Ikjun flashed Songhwa a weak smile. “I wanted to stop for a very long time now. But it seems like.. I don’t know how?” He let out a broken chuckle. “And I’m sorry, but this is the only comfort that I know, Songhwa-yah.” He said before facing upfront, the cigarette now dangling between his teeth.
This sight of him is driving her mad. Everyone around her knows that whenever she sets her mind to something, she will do anything to get it to fulfill her desire. In this case tho, Songhwa is desperate to make Ikjun stop smoking at any cost, no matter how crazy this idea of hers is.
So she did.
Ikjun was taken aback when Songhwa took the lit cigarette between his teeth and pressed her soft lips against his. He stilled. His eyes widened in surprise. Before he could even process the whole situation, Songhwa started to pull away from him.
She looked at him dead in the eye. “Let me be your cigarette instead.”
Songhwa studied Ikjun’s expression below her. His body stiffened and his face turned pale due to what transpired a few seconds ago, because who wouldn’t? His girl best friend of 20 years just casually pressed her mouth over his without his consent; the very same best friend who told him not to confess a few weeks back.
Her breath was shaky when she continued. “For every time you feel the need to smoke, kiss me to your desire. Seek me, Ikjun-ah. It doesn’t matter how, when, where or what. Day or night, weekends or weekdays. It can’t be helped of course if I’m in surgery, but wait inside my office instead. Or inside my apartment. It doesn’t matter to me. Just..” She faltered. “Just promise me that you’ll quit smoking.”
Songhwa crushed the tip and threw the cigarette to the bin before swooping down to casually slip her hand under the pocket of his white coat to confiscate his lighter and a pack of freshly bought cigarettes. She gave him a last peck on his mouth—which made Ikjun involuntarily gulp—before straightening her body.
“I’ll wait for you.”
Then she’s gone.