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Yok was furious. Seething. Completely beside himself. He had never before in his life been so angry, so disappointed or so fucking hurt. After all the promises and silent vows that him and Dan had made, the man he loved had gone and almost broken them all. He had nearly killed himself, after pledging to Yok that he will not leave his side.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” He hissed in anger, pinning Dan to the wall, once they were out of everyone’s sight. In the silence that engulfed them there was only the sound of Dan’s shirt ripping under Yok’s grip.
“What.The.Fuck.Is.Wrong.With.You?” Yok asked again, as he punctuated every single word. Eyes fixated on Dan, burning with so many confusing emotions. Watering with each breath he managed to take.
Yet Dan remained silent. Tears rolling down his face in silent anguish. He couldn’t form a sentence, couldn’t really answer Yok’s question. He knew he had fucked up. Knew that he had hurt Yok immensely. Yet there was nothing he could do or say to make it all go away. There wasn’t a good enough explanation for what he was about to do. Dan was aware that he had broken the promises between them, that he had pulled the trigger, even if Yok had stopped him in time. He was conscious that there was a bullet in Yok’s chest - one that he shared with him.
“Answer me!”
The bile in Yok’s throat was ragging. Spreading in his chest like a wildfire - slowly suffocating him. And when the tears started falling down on their own accord, he couldn’t hold it back anymore - all the anger, betrayal and hurt. So when they came crashing down on him, he barely missed Dan’s face as he collided his fist with the wall behind him. It was all too much. Bubbling out of control, as his emotions had taken full control of his mind. He couldn’t look at him anymore, couldn’t help the stifling breaths that he tried to get under control or the way his chest tightened. It was all too much. Yok had finally found his happiness, his anchor, his light and yet the man he loved was a step away from taking all that from him - dissipating every single little light in this dark world. It made him want to drown, to rain fire on everyone involved, to rip away his own skin.
“Do you… do you even remember what you promised me?” He said, as his head dropped between his shoulders.
“Yok, I-”
“Don’t fucking say my name!”
“I didn’t mean-” Dan tried speaking, but as the words escaped his mouth, Yok furiously grabbed his shirt again, fists burying in the ripped fabrics - bringing their faces only inches apart.
“You didn’t mean what exactly? To fucking put a bulled in your brain? You didn’t mean what exactly, huh? Because you looked pretty ready to do it. I saw that fucking look in your eyes. You were fucking reconciled with it. You were set on fucking doing. And for what? And- and did you fucking think for a second about me?” As Yok paused Dan’s hands instinctively moved to cradle his face - try to soothe away all that pain and anger, to maybe erase his sin. “I know I’m being selfish, but did you think what I would feel if you had fucking pulled the trigger? I am head over heels for you, do you fucking realize that?”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you…” Dan managed as he draped an arm around Yok’s waist and pulled his head down his chest with the other. “I would never forgive myself. The same way I cannot forgive myself about Sean’s dad. I’m sorry for hurting you.. I’m sorry for everything. I just couldn’t continue living with the guilt. I-” He was cut off by Yok’s hand on his mouth.
“Do you think killing yourself would do Sean any good? Do you fucking think that putting that weight on his shoulders would make amends for what you did?” Yok whispered, head pressed against Dan’s chest. “That is just wishful thinking, you know. The easy way out. Do you want the easy way out? Or do you want to do what is right? You speak about making amends and fixing your mistakes, yet you cave at the first obstacle. This is not who you are. You’ve been silently rotting by yourself for years. And for what? To cave in when convenient? You are better than this.”
As Yok stopped speaking, Dan felt useless. Yok’s words piercing right through the hole in his chest. Right where he knew would hurt the most. And it did. Because truth hurts more than lies. And truth spills more blood than any gun he could fire. Yok was right. He would’ve made a mistake pulling the trigger. He would’ve destroyed another life. Dan had never wanted that. Forgiveness and amends is what he was after, not repeating the cycle. Even if the guilt was smothering him into falling apart every time he closed his eyes, even if everything seemed bleak and grey because of it. Yok was just right - he had to do whatever he could to repent for all the pain he had inflicted.
Yok was finally looking at him again. With those big, wet eyes, full of so much more than he was letting on. And that small, tired smile. Hands on his face, fearful touches, as if Dan was a glass piece so fragile that it could be broken by just any light pressure. Soft strokes on his cheek, as he leaned into the touch. Dan felt like he could completely melt under Yok and all the affection he was ready to give. And was giving him, even when he was hurt and angry. Because Yok had shown Dan what it is to feel. What it is to belong somewhere. With someone. For all those years in isolation he had never even dreamed of meeting someone who would turn his world upside down and make everything seem right. Someone who would not back down when he sunk to the bottom of a pit, or when he couldn’t feel his own existence, and would accept him - for all his flaws and mistakes, for all his guilt and fear. Dan had never in a million years expected to meet someone who would treat him as a person. And he had never expected to feel such confusing, wild emotions in his life.
“Just… you have me, you know. I will be there for you. I am not going to run off just because you are difficult or too fucking broken. I am here to stay. I hope you can finally understand that.” Yok said, as he leaned his forehead against Dan’s. “I’m really not going anywhere.”
Dan knew he had lost. He had completely surrendered to this kid who had stalked him and made him make a promise, sealing it with a bite on his lips. He was utterly and irrevocably gone for Yok. And it had taken just the whirlwind that is Yok and the bright chaos he unfurls everywhere around him. Just a bit of kindness and a lot of him just being bare infront of Dan. So maybe, just maybe Dan could finally accept that being bare with Yok was just what it took.