Chapter Text
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi.
Jean inhaled deeply, feeling the smoke entering his lungs and burn sweetly against the back of his throat. He was supposed to be in Mr Ackerman’s theoretical statistics class right now but decided to ditch it in order to do something way more productive: smoke with his best friend in the bike shed. It was a daily ritual for him and Connie, everyday during lunch they would suspiciously leave the cafeteria, ignoring the burning gaze his peers and lingering teachers would cast at them in order to have ten minutes of sanctuary in their safe haven.
Unfortunately for Jean today hadn’t quite panned out as he planned, Connie was off that day so it meant no one would entertain him or crack jokes through the monotoned lecture Mr Ackerman would have provided so he decided to save himself the trouble of pretending to care and head straight to his designated spot. The bike shed was old and abandoned located on the far south side of the school, it had not been used by students in decades and it showed. The once blue wooden support beams turned green with moss and mould sprouting from its ends while the plastic windows turned yellow and cloudy, the perfect place to hide from faculty and with no working fire alarms, light their cigarettes. It wasn’t much, but to Jean, he spent the best part of 4 years there, laughing with his best friend and creating fond memories that would last him a lifetime.
Jean wasn’t particularly bad at school, in actuality he was academically able to pass his midterm tests and assignments with little struggle but he constantly battled with procrastination and overall boredom with his courses, plus having Connie as a best friend badly influenced his concentration. So here he was, sitting alone behind a brick wall that perfectly camouflaged himself and his bag from the outside world, only a mist of smoke above him giving his position away.
He flicks the cigarette ash from the end as there was an annoying shrill sound of the school bell indicating classes were over, looking around the corner Jean seen the trickle of students begin to enter the cafeteria building, smiling and laughing now that lunch had finally begun.
Why did you leave me Connie? He thought bitterly to himself and hit his head gently against the rough wall behind him with a sigh. He began to extinguish his cigarette and pick himself up from the side of the brick, internally preparing himself for the next fifty minutes of Hell he was about to experience. He picked up his bag that lay deflated beside him and began putting it on as he slipped his cigarette carton into the front pocket. His eyes slide across the now sea of students all cramming into the double doors only to disappear into the building, Jean hated crowds, they were too loud for him, too claustrophobic. So he decided to wait a few minutes so the cluster of students would become tolerable as they went inside. Buying his time he began to walk to the end of the bike shed and back up in slow, sluggish strides looking around everywhere trying to find something that would spark his interest, that’s when he found it.
At the back left hand corner on one of the support beams was a drawing, a well designed drawing at that. It was of Mr Ackerman with large thick eyebrows and a mean scowl screaming at a poor little girl with pigtails and making her cry with a speech bubble of scribbled hand writing above it saying, ‘What do you mean, you don’t know how to estimate discrete probability distribution?!’ Written in an obnoxiously bright blue pen that stood out like a sore thumb against the weathered blue wood. The handwriting was jagged with harsh strokes and looked almost illegible if you didn’t look at it hard enough. There were plenty of drawings on the wooden beams, mostly dicks and other phallic drawings from when people used to come to the bike shed but now they are just (dirty) pieces of history, forgotten. But this drawing actually made Jean smirk slightly, then he had an idea. He untangled one of the straps from his arm and unzipped his front pocket to uncover a red sharpie he stole from Professor Hange’s advance biology class and wrote directly under the drawing.
‘Nice drawing Asshat.’
Jean stood back in satisfaction as the red pen began to dry against the blueish wooden plank, he shoved his pen back into his school bag and shut the zip haphazardly. He wasn’t expecting a reply, no one came here expect him and Connie but he was satisfied enough that a little piece of his sarcastic self would forever be inscribed into his favourite building in school, apart of its history, even if that history was a collage of penis drawings.
He turned back to the entrance of the bike shed and peered around the corner, to his satisfaction the crowd had dissipated substantially with only a few stragglers left slowly making their way inside. A final sigh escaped Jean’s throat as he began to walk to the bronze metal doors, disappearing silently as he entered the noisy scene.
Jean loved his friends, he really did, sure they were loud and annoying and completely idiotic beyond anyones standards but they were his and he was grateful. What he wasn’t grateful for was the absolute heart drop he received when surveying their usual table. Of course, of fucking course, cause my day couldn’t get anymore shit. Jean thought to himself, his brows furrowed as his eyes scan the scene before being rudely ripped out of his thoughts.
‘Hey Horseface, how’s it hangin’?’
Without even looking Jean could picture the cockiest grin plastered across Eren’s face. It was always there when Jean was around, like Eren purposely done it to annoy him, irritate him, degrade him. They’ve been rivals for the past four years and with how stubborn they both are Jean presumes their entire lives will be nothing more than a series of pestering and exasperation. Jean would never say this out loud but he was jealous of Eren for one thing: Mikasa Ackerman. Ever since the start of Junior year the two had been inseparable from each other which frustrated Jean and denied him the ability to woo her with his masculine charm. What made it even harder to do so was before senior year during the summer they started dating and have clung onto each other like they couldn’t breathe without each other, it was horrible and the worst part, no one in the group said anything while Jean just threw looks of disgust their way praying that one day they get the message, so far his quest has been unsuccessful…
Currently Mikasa was basically sitting on Eren’s lap as they whispered silently into each others ears, laughing and snickering about some inside joke or something. Like Jean said, gross. He managed a sigh as he opened his mouth to respond only to feel someone sharply grab his shoulder.
‘JJJEEEEEAAANNN!!’ He whipped his head around so fast he almost gave himself whiplash but then relaxed when his tawny eyes met chocolate brown ones.
Jean had known Sasha since they were infants, they’re mothers were friends so it automatically made sense that they would be forced to play together during their childhoods. Coming into high school was an entirely new experience for both of them, so he was grateful to have someone who he already knew, at least he’d have one friend to begin with. Sasha had been there for him for as long as Jean could remember and knew everything about him. It was a blessing and a curse at times because Sasha then seen all the struggles and tribulations Jean had faced while in his youth and comforted him through them. He had so much love and respect for her that Jean would do anything for her. In Jean’s mind, she was a sister to him.
‘Sasha, you almost gave me a heartache! We should really put a bell on you.’ He began to unpack his lunch from the front of his bag, pulling out a ham and cheese sandwich he threw together that morning.
‘But Jean, Connie’s not in! What will I do?! Who’s gonna eat all these burgers with me?!’
Jean’s eyes widened when he seen Sasha start to pull out neatly stacked burgers from her backpack only to place them on the table in front of her.
7…
8…
9…
‘Jesus Sash, are you trying to give the poor man cholesterol issues? Why are there so many?’ He can’t help having a small smirk on his face while he watching all thirteen burgers finally laying in front of everyone.
‘It’s like a Mary Poppins bag, holy fuck.’ Ymir said as she jumped over the chair and abruptly took a seat next to Sasha, Historia sitting beside her quietly, they had both been in Art together judging by Ymir’s charcoal covered hands and Historia’s paint splattered smock. Ymir began to eat and subtly put her arm around Historia, who’s face became the same red as the apple she just handed Ymir. Sasha turned to her right, facing Ymir, before replying.
‘Holy fuck indeed, my friend! I’m trying out new flavours for my Home Ec class and we had to use gor-gormou- aw what was that word again?’
‘It’s gourmet.’ Armin had just began to sit down next to Eren (well, the Eren-Mikasa morphed singular body since she’s literally on top of him.). Armin adjusted his glasses and began fixing his knitted blue cardigan, his blonde bob hair reflected against the harsh fluorescent cafeteria lights almost giving him a deity look, if Jean squinted slightly he could see a faint halo circling Armins small head.
You definitely need to be some kind of Saint to put up with Jeager, that’s for sure.
‘Yeah, yeah that, government or something. But now Connie’s not in and he promised to be my test dummy, unless…’ Sasha’s eyes move towards Jean and a devilish smile painted her lips.
‘Oh hell no.’
‘But plea-‘
‘Nope.’
‘Just four, please try th-‘
‘FOUR? Fuck no then.’
‘Okay…three?’
‘Sash.’ Jean counters sternly. He began to eat his sandwich with purposeful bites showing that the conversation was over.
‘Ugh fine, anyone else, Armin?’
Armin looked up from his book with his eyes wide as if he was surprised by the question. ‘Oh uhm, no thanks Sasha I already ate…’ He quickly lowered his gaze back onto the page where he left off and was about to start reading again.
‘Where were you Arm? Lunch started like ten minutes ago.’ Eren leaned across the table taking one of Sasha’s burgers and began to peel the protective wrapper on it, he offered it to Mikasa, she then scrunched her nose and denied it.
That’s because she doesn’t like red meat dumbass. What boyfriend doesn’t know this about his own girlfriend? Jean knew his face was frowning, it was constant, he had a forever resting bitch face. It made him look cold and unapproachable even when making new friends in high school, so he was grateful to have Connie and Sasha at the beginning or else he would’ve been a loner, an outcast. But Armin or Historia were always happy and smiling, they were so happy to help anyone with their charisma and charm while Jean was more sarcasm and silent. He managed to come out of his shell a little while making more friends in high school but whenever he met or got introduced to new people he was closed off and defensive, he just got scared in case people didn’t like him. He would never tell anyone that out loud, he has to keep his cool facade around everyone but late at night Jean would sit staring at his ceiling and recalls all the embarrassing moments of the day, the month, the year. It never stopped, but no one had to know except for Jean, so that’s why he buried it, deep down in the depth of his mind.
‘I was showing the new kid around, he wanted to know where the library was just before lunch started.’ Armin smiled sheepishly.
That peaked Jean’s interests, ‘New kid? Is she in our year? Is she hot? Where is she from? Why did she move-‘ As he opened his mouth to ask Armin another question Sasha shoved one of her experimental burgers into his mouth causing him to choke slightly with the sudden impact. His eyes immediately grew angry as he turned to Sasha and takes the food out of his mouth, she shrugs and chuckles slyly.
‘Only way to shut you up Jean, sorry.’
Ymir spoke up before another argument began, her mouth full of apple and muffled.
‘So, new kid?’
‘Ah yes! He’s super nice and he is coming to sit with us at lunch today.’ The emphasis on ‘He’ caused Jean to slump back in his seat with an exasperated look. He had been pining over Mikasa since junior year and hoped a new transfer student would’ve finally made him get over it, sadly his new dream was beaten and crushed to a pulp by Armin’s statement. He took a minute to feel sorry for himself but quickly recovered as his eyes widened in realisation.
‘Wait! Sitting with who at lunch?’
‘Eh…Us?’ Armin had a confused look on his face as though Jean asked him to recite all the digits of Pi while bookmarking the page in his book and putting it in his blue backpack.
‘Why though?’
‘It’s called making friends Jean, you probably wouldn’t know about it.’ Ymir’s cheeks move upwards into a smirk as she turned towards the ash-haired boy.
‘I have plenty of friends, thank you very much.’
The entire table began to burst out laughing in hysterics while Jean’s face flattened and his eyes narrowed. They slowly quietened down while Sasha wiped a tear from her eye as she spoke.
‘That was funny Jean, thanks for that, I needed a good laugh today.’
‘Pfft, fuck you, I don’t even know why I hang out with you guys, I mean look at Jeager for example.’
All their eyes turned to see Eren and Mikasa making out in the middle of the cafeteria with no remorse. It was a regular occurrence for them to show extreme amounts of PDA and not care who was around them, it aggravated Jean to no end but after years of romantic tension between the two everyone else was completely desensitised by it. The lovebirds quickly detached from each other once they felt the groups gaze on them only to blush ridiculously hard and avert their faces towards the floor in embarrassment.
I mean, have they no shame! It’s like they’re mocking me.
‘Jealousy isn’t a good look on you Jean. Look at your face, all scrunched up, you’re gonna get wrinkles y’know.’ Sasha began to massage (mash is a better word for it) her fingers into the crease on Jean’s forehead then pulled his frown into a forced smile while he rolled his eyes.
‘I’m not jealous, just embarrassed that everyone has to see it, we’re in a public place, there are people around!’
‘Hm, I dunno…you’re saying one thing but your face is saying another’ she sang the last part while still massaging out his eyebrow crease.
‘Would you stop that! You’re like my mother Jesus,’ He threw her hands off him and proceeded to root around the front of his school bag.
I need a cigarette.
‘How is she by the way?’ The somber tone that Sasha’s question held stiffened his movements. Everyone else was too busy talking in the background to notice Jean’s face drop or his eyes becoming sad with heartache.
‘She’s uh…okay, the usual.’ His go to response whenever he was asked that question, which was a lot. It seemed good enough for Sasha though as she looked at him with a wry smile put a comforting hand on his shoulder and nodded, quickly dropping her hand and turning around and began talking to Historia about Biology homework. He didn’t want to talk about it and she knew, Sasha was good at not pushing him for answers or asking sensitive questions, that’s one of the reasons Jean valued her so much as a friend, she understood him.
He shook himself slightly returning back to the present when he felt around in the front of his backpack, rooting for his carton of cigarettes.
What the hell?
He checked once, then checked again. Still nothing. He eventually started pulling pens and sticky notes out of the mouth of the bag and opened the pouch wide.
They weren’t there.
He began to internally panic, looking on the floor where his bag had been and around the cafeteria, scanning for them. Jean rethought his steps and where he had last seen them.
The bike shed. That was his only explanation for where they were. He must’ve dropped them when putting his pen back into his bag. He ran a hand down his face slowly and glanced around the table, Eren was gesturing dramatically while telling the table about his strange interaction he had with a squirrel this morning and everyone was listening intently. Mikasa was leaning into him with her head on his shoulder, not caring about the way her boyfriends shoulders shook with his waving hands causing her head to bump and move with them. Her eyes sparkling and was smiling, well her idea of a smile, lips turned up slightly as she closely listened to the story. That was Jean’s favourite look on her, it made his heart ache that he could never be the person she done it for.
‘Anyway so at this point I was ready to beat this squirrel’s ass and then I-‘
‘Yo guys, I need to go grab something really quick, I’ll see you guys soon.’ Jean began to stand up when he looked down to see Armin had a sad look on his face.
‘But lunch is almost over and you haven’t met Marco yet…’
Marco, so the new guy finally has a name.
‘Eh, I’ll survive, I’ll meet him soon Armin don’t worry.’ He gave a reassuring smile to the blonde haired boy and exited the bench.
‘TRY NOT TO TRIP OVER THAT JEALOUSY JEAN!’ Sasha screamed across the room making heads around the cafeteria turn and look at her. Jean’s face turned red with embarrassment and he flipped Sasha off before disappearing behind the exit.
He walked through the run down shed with his eyes scanning every nook and cranny, looking for the carton when he finally spotted it. His heart suddenly felt at ease as Jean moved with purpose as he bent down to pick up the worn cigarette packet and placed it securely in his back pocket, checking twice to make sure it was safely contained.
Crisis averted he thought to himself. It wasn’t that he was scared to lose the cigarettes but he was scared in case one of the facility or janitorial staff had randomly found them and traced them back to Jean through the outer security cameras. He couldn’t have thought of a worse scenario than Principle Smith calling him into his office to discuss his illegal activities within school property. Actually Jean could think of a worse scenario, his father being called to the school. He definitely wanted to avoid that at all cost.
He looked outside the frosted windows to make sure no one was there when the annoying school bell began to ring, making Jean hold his ears until the sound ceased. He looked out the window again and began seeing trickles of students leaving the cafeteria on route to their next classes.
His next class was advance Biology with Professor Hange and luckily for him, a certain blonde haired nerd. Armin always helped Jean get better grades within the class, again Jean wasn’t academically atrocious, just lazy. So sitting next to Armin was the best decision Jean had ever made. The blonde was a walking encyclopaedia of genomes and cellular division.
He leaned on the brick wall behind him, letting his eyes fall closed gradually and reflected on the previous lunch disaster.
I probably looked so uncool to Mikasa, oh my God.
It wasn’t anything new to him, his friends always made fun of each other, that’s friendship right? But sometimes Jean wishes he could tell them how he feels without getting judged or mocked. A friend to confide in. Maybe Historia could be like that, she’s kind and emphatic but having a girlfriend like Ymir made Jean weary of opening up to Historia, fully at least. Everyone else was also out of the question.
Jean discarded the intrusive thought only for his eyes to shift back to the wall were he had previously seen the mocking Mr. Ackerman drawing, except this time it was different. There was more writing under Jean’s comment. The jagged lines and familiar blue pen made it obvious that it was the same person who had drawn the comic.
‘I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or an insult?’ It read.
Jean was in disbelief. The only people he had ever seen enter the shed was Connie and himself, over the past four years it was secluded and desolate apart from the two teens, so someone was secretly using it without Jean knowing? Maybe Connie knew them, he has a lot of friends thanks to the soccer team and perhaps said one of them could use it. He’d have to ask the bald headed boy when he came back into school. For now, all Jean could do was pull out a marker and write.
‘Compliment.’
It was short and abrupt but it got his point across the same. He tucked his pen away into his pocket this time and began heading to Professor Hange’s lab, preparing himself for the rest of the school day. Still, as he sat in his tall science chair, fiddling with a pen in his hand, he couldn’t stop his brain from wondering back to the jagged blue lines of this mysterious person.