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“Juyeon!” Someone with a recognizable voice shouted loud enough so people around stopped what they were doing and started staring at him. The handsome boy with honey-like hair was wearing his most beautiful suit, the one he’s been craving to use in a special moment, but little did he know how special this moment would truly be.
"Hi…” Juyeon replied politely with a shaky voice as he was taken aback. “Didn’t expect to see you here, Hyunjae." He smiled nervously while staring at the older boy. Juyeon has been beautiful ever since high school. Nevertheless, college Juyeon visuals hit differently. He had flawless looks even though he was wearing a simple suit with a bow tie, because his face and body proportions would make up to it. Just as Hyunjae used to say, he has always been the prettiest boy to ever step in a room who made everyone turn their heads to look at him.
Both of them could feel nervousness taking over their bodies. Neither expected this to happen, because they had parted ways a long time ago.
Fuck. Why do I still get this when it's been so long. He still looks like a movie.
Hyunjae could feel the heat in his cheeks. He couldn’t stop staring at the gorgeous tanned boy who had the brightest smile he had ever seen. A smile that once lit up his days during dark times. All he could think of at that moment was how stunning that goddamn boy could look just by wearing the simplest suit and tie.
–
Seeing his then best friend right in front of him after years immediately took him back to the day they met, when both were literal children wearing suits and ties to perform some kind of theater play for school. The theater play was a remarkable moment of their lives, even though it was just a cute little event their school did to showcase some talent from the youngsters. It’s something they can never forget how important it was for both of them, because it brought them together and it happened to be better than they could even imagine.
Hyunjae was never the type to talk a lot, but he tried his best whenever someone would start conversations with him. It took a lot of effort to get him where he is now, since he couldn’t even present works in front of his classmates nor ask a waiter to change his order. On the other hand, Juyeon has always been the exact opposite, and maybe that’s why they matched so well from the beginning. The younger one is someone who’s always smiling brightly and gathering many colleagues around just so they can hear some fake stories he’d made up so he would make others laugh.
Most of their spare time were spent together, either playing with weird toys kids like, laughing at each other when something stupid happened, watching cartoons and talking about how they wish they had superpowers such as invisibility. They also loved sharing their craziest dreams even now that seem unreachable or unrealistic. Both of them were extremely energetic and loved doing absolutely anything as long as they were together.
At that time, the older one felt very out of place and intimidated all of the time, since he had just moved out from his hometown. Changing schools can be very scary at that age because you leave all your old friends behind and you have to stick to new rules, new teachers and annoying kids. What if you end up with no one liking you?
For these reasons, Hyunjae would always feel like the lone wolf whenever he saw kids playing around, because even though he wanted to join them, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Some annoying brats would leave Hyunjae out of everything they would do, mocking him for having no friends and being left alone all the time.
All he could do was simply accept it, since it made sense to him it was his fate being alone. Things were really tough for him, since he didn’t want to bother his parents nor his best friend with his own problems. So he managed to buckle everything up and carry on by himself.
Until one day, Juyeon, as the sweet angel he’s always been, noticed it and started defending him in every single situation they’d get into, even if it meant he would get beaten up or get in trouble with his parents. They weren’t too close when they met during their theater play, but it was the first time Hyunjae didn’t feel threatened by someone. Instead, he actually enjoyed being with him and wanted to befriend him, without knowing how to do it.
To that day, Juyeon wasn’t the type to get into trouble, he actually never did any harm to anyone. For matter of fact, he just intended to protect his friend who he already cared so much for. That means they both knew how it felt to be rejected at that age, since all the other kids didn’t want to talk to Juyeon because he’d always be by Hyunjae’s side. Although the older one kinda felt bad for that, he also deeply appreciated his actions and could never imagine someone would stand up for him the way Juyeon always did.
The younger went through many things for him, without really understanding how much it mattered for Hyunjae. It’s true they had known rejection, but fortunately they also learned the feeling of something much stronger than that.
At that time, Juyeon obviously didn't even think of Hyunjae as a close friend or anything like that, because he didn’t know what that meant. Neither did, since they were just children after all. However, it was clear how close they were and how well they got along at school since they’re just a few months apart. In addition, they grew up together.
Ever since that day, their houses were always filled with loud screams whenever these two were together. They had an instant connection as if they had met in past lives and their bonding could only grow stronger. At school, most children had many friends even if they weren’t close. Whereas Hyunjae wasn’t really the type of boy who’d easily get along with anyone and that scared his parents.
This is the reason why Juyeon was – and still is – so important to him. Moreover, the latter was probably the most irradiating child someone could ever meet, no joke. The younger one always liked to help his colleagues with small issues like providing bandages to bruises they’d get while running around like little freaks, or helping with homework that for some could be considered difficult for different reasons. Moreover, he did everything gladly with a huge smile on his face, showing off how adorable he’s always been with those cute cat-like eyes that instantly appeared whenever he grinned. So, without a doubt, he always got along very well with everyone around him by leaving a great impression and would light up someone’s day just for being so affectionate.
Many times Hyunjae thought to himself “how could someone be so kind hearted ever since such a young age?” It wouldn’t make any sense to him.
When they were around twelve, the older boy would often get hurt while playing around and Juyeon was always caring and fast to help him out. Whenever it happened, because it happened a lot since Hyunjae was so clumsy, he would gently kiss the bruised spot because he believed it would relieve the pain just like his mother did when the same would happen to him. For matter of fact, it probably didn’t help at all. But it didn’t really matter, for young Hyunjae found it adorable. It only made him realize Juyeon’s heart was indeed as pure as gold, so much it would even worry his parents whenever he would put himself at risk to help someone else.
As time passed by, things did change a little bit. The younger one was as bright as before, but Hyunjae wasn’t a lone wolf anymore since he’d learned to speak up for himself whenever someone would get in his way. Nevertheless, he still prefered to spend his free time being alone or with Juyeon. Actually, mostly with him. They went to high school together and passed through the same shit such as puberty, discovering themselves, thinking about a future you mostly have no control of, anxiety and panic attacks. Usually, there’s no one who can really help at all or at least listen to the problems you go through. However, they always had each other through these ups and downs. And by that time, they realized that having each other in their lives was most definitely a blessing, because they knew how hard it could get sometimes. It was so much easier seeing that they were never alone.
Although they didn't share many classes, they'd still meet up at lunch or whenever their schedules were compatible, so Hyunjae would often go to Juyeon's house to spend time watching cartoons – even though they grew a bit older – or playing video games while talking about school, movies, music and future plans. Plans which always included each other in their future, in the view of the fact they couldn’t picture being apart after spending all those years together. Sometimes they would also chat about serious stuff like sexuality, health issues and family problems, for the reason that they trusted each other more than anyone else and wouldn’t share those things with anyone else. No one could ever match their energy. Both of them felt so lucky to have a soulmate.
Whilst Juyeon is such an outgoing and charismatic boy who can easily talk to anyone he’d never met before, for a matter of fact he would just share his deepest thoughts with his closest friend – in fact, the only person he trusted. The older was the first one to know about Juyeon's sexual orientation and gladly helped him along the way. After all, Hyunjae himself knew better than no one else, since he came out to his parents during an awkward argument that made him stop talking to his father for some years, since he wanted to be fully welcomed in his own house. Anyhow, he actually left his parents’ house because that didn’t happen at all, but they decided not to talk about it anymore and maybe it’s better like that.
Nonetheless, accepting his own self wasn't a huge matter for Juyeon anyway. Hyunjae was there all the time to hear his worries and also helped him come out to his parents, who were thankfully very open about it. Everything went very well. Well enough so the younger one could become gayer and even more open about skinship – with Hyunjae especially, since he only had two other high school friends who didn't really enjoy that much of affection. He never really cared if anyone was watching or looking weirdly at them. The older one wasn't actually bothered by it but he couldn't deny he did feel a little weird – in a good way, though – when his best friend would lean in close enough they could feel each other's heartbeat, even if it was just a friendly hug that lasted a little bit longer than the usual.
What could that strange feeling be? We’re just friends after all! It couldn't be love, right? It doesn't feel right to be, I’ve known him forever! He’s like a younger brother to me! Am I afraid now because I know his sexuality and keep thinking he’s into me? Or am I afraid to give into the feeling? Fuck. I’m overthinking it.
They had known each other since the womb, basically. It took him a while to realize that Juyeon – or Juyeonnie, the nickname he gave if he wanted to annoy the younger one, although he found it cute – was the only one capable of making him feel those weird tingling things in his stomach. Sometimes even on the tip of his nose, or maybe feel the heat on his rosy cheeks whenever they were too close. But he always thought that was probably just Juyeon tickling him.
Calm down, Hyunjae. There’s nothing wrong with that. Friends do that all the time, don't they? And I guess that's the price I pay for being his closest friend... I guess I don’t mind being broke though . Hyunjae would think to himself during the time he'd spend alone.
Maybe during times when the confused boy would have a mental breakdown and question not only all these feelings that would only keep growing – out of nowhere, according to him – but also his entire existence. He mostly thought this was only happening because he wasn’t used to the fact that his closest friend also liked boys. He spent so much time thinking about these never stopping feelings. About how the younger one would boost up his mood and make his heart flutter by the slightest form of affection. About the way he felt when he’d hear his gentle soothing voice getting slightly louder when talking passionately about something he loved, how his huge hands squeezed his tiny waist whenever they hugged. He couldn’t stop daydreaming about it. More specifically, daydreaming about him .
However, deep down he couldn’t be so sure of what this feeling was, because he’d never fallen in love before. So how was he supposed to know these were butterflies in his stomach? In his head, that was only possible in movies. Falling for his best friend didn’t make any sense so it couldn’t be happening to him, right?
“Sangyeon…” Hyunjae pouted while sitting on his older brother’s bed for some advice. His lips were trembling and it was totally noticeable he was nervous about something. Sangyeon always supported him no matter what, but they became even closer since their parents moved overseas because of a job offer.
“What’s wrong?” Sangyeon knows his little brother too well, so he was sure something was off.
“I- How can I tell you this… You know Juyeon, right? I mean, of course you do. We’ve been friends since we were little… and we’re really close, you know? Something’s been bugging me ever since he came out to me. He’s always been affectionate and gentle, but these days I feel like my heart is gonna explode and I don’t think this is going to be good… what if it burns him if it explodes and we-” Sangyeon sighed before his little brother could finish his endless talking.
The older one could feel the pain and worry in his brother’s voice and although he wasn’t sure how to help him, he tried his best to comfort him.
“Hyunjae, listen to your heart closely. I’m pretty sure you know what it all means but you’re afraid of something that hasn't happened.” Sangyeon said softly while gently placing a hand on his brother’s shoulder. “This is something you may find difficult, but I believe you’ll only find an answer when you start putting your feelings out there. I really want to help you, but this is something only you can do.” Hyunjae briefly smiles at him as if he’s saying thank you, for the reason that he can’t properly speak anything with so many tears choking him up.
The reasoning behind these twisted emotions was purely because Hyunjae didn't want their friendship to end, it bothered him so much just to imagine his life without Juyeon.
Should I try kissing him? No, that’s too much, right? Maybe we should go on a date? Fuck, I am sure he doesn’t like me the way I- did I just admit that to myself? Uh- anyways… Anything I try is going to weird him out for sure.
After a long conversation with his older brother, Hyunjae finally started accepting his own feelings, but he assumed Juyeon didn't feel the same way. So things started getting extremely uncomfortable between them. Each time he would little by little reject his friend’s affection, not because he didn't like it but because he wanted it, he needed it. It was too much for him to handle. Maybe so bad that he would've kissed him at the wrong time and place if Juyeon leaned in any closer.
Despite the fact Hyunjae accepted his own feelings, he never tried talking about it with his closest friend, because it didn’t feel right. Even though he kept trying to stay away from or avoid Juyeon, he knew someday things were going to get worse, but it happened way sooner than expected.
They continued meeting up as usual after that conversation, but once they were together alone at Juyeon’s house, Hyunjae just couldn’t handle it anymore.
"Did you just push me after I tried hugging you?" The younger one sounded confused and even felt a little threatened by the small action, since all the affection was always reciprocated. Something was definitely off this time.
"Juyeon..." Hyunjae cringes to speak as he can’t manage how to put it into words.
"What was that for? Look, I know I ate your favorite chocolate chip cookies that were on the table but I promise to buy more so we can eat them together next time..." Juyeon was apologizing for something stupid and he couldn’t help but laugh a little bit.
"You ate my what? I mean-" Hyunjae shook his head to get back to his senses, knowing those cookies could wait for sure.
"That's not the point here, I don't think I can keep holding your hands or have you sitting on my lap or keep you too close doing all those cute… Uh… I don't think I'm really enjoying all that stuff anymore. You should just stop it before things go wrong. Sorry." Hyunjae stumbled upon his own words with a quivering voice and tried his hardest to believe the words he had just said, knowing that he obviously didn't want him to stop, that was just how scared he was to fall for him. In fact, too scared of how hard he had already fallen for Juyeon.
"Oh… That's fine, I guess.” The subtle smile on Juyeon’s face slowly disappeared. “You could’ve said it earlier. I would’ve stopped immediately if I knew it bothered you, I’m sorry. I never wanted to bother you." Hyunjae had never heard such despairing sentences coming from his friend.
“I guess I should go.” They stared blankly at each other and the older one decided to leave.
This was just a year before high school ended, causing them to experience their worst year ever. Besides all the puberty and grades trouble, they had to deal with a loss that felt like a mourning.
Hearing those words made Juyeon’s heart shatter into pieces. It hurt more than any other physical pain he had ever felt. All because Hyunjae didn't want to get both of them hurt or disappointed and because he didn’t know just how to handle his emotions. He wanted them to go back to being affectionate without feeling awkward because of his feelings, but Hyunjae made it worse by throwing water into hot oil. What was supposed to sound like a friendly warning sounded like a threat.
Hyunjae headed back home without looking back. Confused, heartbroken and holding back his tears. Juyeon watched as he left without any reaction but as soon as he came to his senses, his eyes instantly got watery. This was unusual for both of them, to say goodbye without getting close enough so they’d just whisper “love ya” or “stay safe” to each other just before their hearts could skip a beat with those simple sentences. It didn’t make any sense. Hyunjae was ashamed of everything already, he was desperately missing him even if only a few minutes had passed. He was already missing the feeling of his fingertips running through his hair whenever they’d lay down together to watch movies and cartoons. The scent of his sweet perfume, the exact same one since they were younger. He knew he was gonna regret every minute - and he already was - of what he had done but he did it anyway, for better or for worse.
Therefore, only then could he realize how important Juyeon was to him. All the inside jokes they shared, secret codes that were invented so no one else could understand their talking, moments and memories once lovely turned bittersweet. Just like when Sadness from Inside Out touched a Happy memory. They took different paths ever since that sorrowful day Hyunjae chose to say those ungrateful words. Then again, he began spending most of his days like his young self, being all alone and searching for something that he’d been missing.
Neither stayed in touch, even though Hyunjae missed calling Juyeon at 1am just to talk about his insecurities and some dumb shit such as how weird the texture of jam felt in his mouth. It just doesn’t feel right anymore. After all, why would he want an acquaintance to call him in the middle of the night just to hear some blabbering nonsense? He was just somebody he used to know by now. It was hard to admit and it hurted like a bitch, but they had to face it somehow.
–
“See you there, I guess!” Hyunjae nodded with a shy smile while talking to the tallest boy he had ever seen, Younghoon. The latter invited him to a party at his mansion, and he was dying of curiosity to know just how rich he really was. He had heard rumors about it but he wanted to see it up close.
At college, Hyunjae decided to let go of things a little – even if it still lingers in his memories. Although making friends wasn’t his specialty, he did considerably well in college and actually went along with some people, including some of his classmates. He saw himself all alone at a more mature age and he wanted to experience new things. He had to. With that said, he started going out to parties like crazy just to let it all out, always trying to enjoy most of it. Without ever truly enjoying anything at all.
After years since the last time they talked, not a single day passed by that Hyunjae wouldn’t think about everything that happened between them. How was he supposed to let go so easily? Those were years and years of sharing, caring and truly loving someone. It didn’t make any sense to forget about it, and that’s completely fine. However, he couldn’t bring himself to move on from it. He thought about every single moment he could reckon and hold on to, just so he didn’t feel like Juyeon was actually so distant from him.
Those memories felt like magic whenever they’d pop up in his head. Magic. Coincidentally something the younger one actually loved trying out. He remembers how Juyeon would make something appear “out of nowhere” and Hyunjae would smile heartily even though he knew how the trick worked. He would do anything to see that ear to ear smile once again. He remembered how Juyeon wanted to kiss his bruised knuckles after Hyunjae tried kickboxing during high school and somehow it felt like the pain had been kissed away for real.
By now, he wishes Juyeon could kiss away the pain he’s been feeling inside for so long, even if it’s not a physical one. He hoped time would eventually heal this deep wound as so many have told him, but he keeps it as he knows it’s the only thing he has left from the younger one. So he doesn’t deal with it, but lives with the pain.
He also constantly remembered how both of them wanted to get scholarships at their dream college just so they could spend even more time of their lives together, even though one wanted to become an English teacher and the other wasn’t so sure of what he actually wanted to become, but he could do just fine with Psychology or any other thing as long as he could stay close to his beloved friend.
For a matter of fact, they did get scholarships in the same college and they still share the same dreams as before, but never actually bumped into each other since it's a huge campus and they major in different subjects. The older one has seen him from afar a few times but he obviously has been avoiding him as much as the younger one is.
Furthermore, even if college overloaded him and took most of his hours during the day, Hyunjae spent all of his free hours thinking about his stupidity and how he didn't want to end their friendship, but ended up ruining it in the worst way possible – actually, he thought about it all the time, not necessarily during free hours. It was even worse than an actual breakup.
Even though he was already majoring in Psychology, studying how the human brain works was no help at all since he couldn’t even deal with his own. As cliche as it may be, he would often type small messages to Juyeon as a form of trying to let it all out, but didn't have the guts to send it to him. Once again, it just wouldn’t feel right. He also had lots and lots of random poetry written, alongside pretty sentences, long emotional scripts and songs dedicated to him, because that was the best way to express the feeling he was so afraid of.
—
"YOU DID WHAT?" Hyunjae screamed at the top of his lungs while his hands were sweating and his face frowned just by the thought of the worst scenario he couldn’t ever imagine. Today he had decided to head back home just so he could get a ride from Sangyeon to Younghoon’s party, but his older brother did something a little too unexpected and decided to tell him.
"Listen. Saying sorry won't hurt, you were always together. You shouldn't let a few minutes of that mistake take away years of the relationship both of you shared." Without him noticing, Sangyeon took Hyunjae’s phone and sent some of his little brother's deepest thoughts and feelings through lots and lots of text messages to Juyeon.
A mix of anger and angst took over Hyunjae's body. It was killing him to think about how Juyeon would respond, but there was nowhere to hide now. He started wandering around his room just to forget about how uncomfortable it must've been for him to read those messages, but soon he realized it would be no use trying to forget his own miserable mistake. He knew someday he would have to face it, and that day finally came.
Hyunjae:
You look like a movie and you sound like a song.
Everybody loves the things you do.
‘Cause you feel like home…
Like a dream come true.
And I was so scared to face my fears…
Now it's hard to admit that everything takes me back to when you were there.
And a part of me keeps holding on, just in case it hasn't gone.
I guess I still care.
Do you still care? (7:41pm)
Read at 7:43pm
Why the fuck did I keep his phone number?! Well, shit, of course I know why. But that idea was so dumb, did Sangyeon even expect it to work? I never imagined he would have to read my stupid thoughts about him and now I may throw up of anxiousness if I ever have to face him again. He thought to himself while trying to calm down by lying on the floor while staring at the ceiling as time passed by.
Hyunjae immediately turned off his phone and tried to distract himself with some sad songs, because the happy ones obviously don’t work when you’re upset. He knew he would never find anyone like Juyeon again. Matter of fact, he didn't want to find anyone like him, he wanted no one else but him. Hyunjae wasn't even able to cry about this matter anymore, he had lost all hopes in love and started having problems with himself after he betrayed his own feelings. He kept breathing deeply and all he hoped for was to never face him again, because he still didn’t think he could face his deepest fear.
After some hours had passed, he couldn't stare at the colored walls of his room any longer. He then remembered he had a party to attend and Sangyeon was ready to drop him there. It wasn't a party full of frat boys with lots of booze and weird straight people sucking their faces off on the dance floor. It was a fancy party. That rich guy from college, whose name’s Younghoon, decided to throw a gigantic party at his huge mansion and hopefully it was nice enough so Hyunjae could drink his feelings away, even though he’s just a casual drinker.
By that time, he really had forgotten about that party, but now realized it didn't seem like a bad idea to go and drink his feelings away. So he decided to attend just to make sure he wouldn't drown in his own thoughts. He managed to get up off the floor, turned off his sad songs and started to get ready. Got some makeup on, slicked back his brown hair and parted it to the side trying to look like some Hollywood star and then rushed to the wardrobe and chose one of his favorite suits he hadn’t used in ages, but felt like using it because he really needed to feel good. And he knows damn well he looks fine as hell in that suit, as simple as it may seem.
It was kinda late already, since it took him a while to get up from the floor, but when Hyunjae looked at himself in the mirror he actually felt great with his makeup done and the black suit which fit perfectly well on him. Wearing fancy stuff isn’t his thing since all his clothes are either oversized shirts or hoodies and three pairs of slightly different jeans, so he couldn’t even recognize himself anymore in such formal clothes.
“Woah, who even is that?” Sangyeon giggled a bit as soon as he saw his young brother glowing in that look. Hyunjae smiled and hopped into the car. Although he was still kind of mad at his older brother, he was bearing it and trying to feel a little better because he knew well how he had such a caring brother who wouldn’t stop talking about how good he looked in that suit until they arrived.
"Hyunjae! It’s so nice to have you here!” Younghoon greeted him at the front door of an enormous mansion as soon as he arrived. “I really hope you enjoy the party." He said with a smile on his face. Hyunjae felt uneasy because of how fancy everything looked but he smiled politely back at the host while bowing a bit as if saying “thank you”. The decorations were mostly in rose gold, with enormous white flowers surrounding the open doors, fancy golden chandeliers on the ceiling and crystal bowls on top of wooden tables.
He decided to go upstairs to look around and realized how enormous the mansion was. It was hard for him to count how many rooms and huge doors there were. He had never seen a place so big, it was probably three times bigger than his house. The paintings on the wall mesmerized him, all the colors matched well and nothing felt over the top. There were statues around the corners and it made him think if this was some sort of movie he was in. He then glanced downstairs, looking at the amazingly decorated tables full of expensive foods and drinks, anxious to try out all that he could. Everything was too gorgeous, everything really felt like a movie to him. Everything.
Especially the one he was hoping not to find there.
Yet there he was, sitting by an enormous table in the living room with some foods from different nationalities he’d never seen before. Juyeon. Accompanied by some of his class friends who were drinking Martinis as if they were rich CEOs of some company when in fact they couldn’t even bear the taste of alcohol, but still tried to look cool.
Hyunjae could see him from upstairs and even though he looked away, he wanted their eyes to meet but didn’t know if he was capable of facing him after those embarrassing text messages that were sent. With that being said, people could only see a graceful boy staring at the floor looking nervous for no reason at all running around the colossal house as if something bad had happened. The mansion was big enough so it could fit at least two hundred people in there, or maybe even more if they didn't mind being too close to each other. There were probably more than eight rooms in each floor so it was kind of easy to hide away and that’s exactly what Hyunjae wanted, since he started feeling his head burning just by the thought of Juyeon seeing him and laughing at his face for being such a dumbass.
He tried entering many rooms that were either occupied by people smoking or doing dirty things and he didn’t want to bother any of them. He also couldn’t try and leave the party because Younghoon would insist he stayed and it would cause so much chatter around him. So he ended up searching for a room downstairs.
As soon as that happened, he felt someone really close to him.
Shit. Of course it was Juyeon.
Thankfully, he wasn’t facing Hyunjae so that was easier for the older one to escape – and he ran as if his life depended on it, passing through many people and even dropping some drinks by accident, which ended up causing a little trouble since some drunk guys got mad and started throwing things at him. Hyunjae could feel blood dripping right off his bottom lip and realized some glass may have shattered in his face.
He didn’t bother immediately, given that he was much more worried trying to hide his shameful self. Not only was he hurt emotionally, but also physically with a bloodstain in his mouth. Couldn’t get any better.
Regardless, he finally managed to lock himself up in an empty bathroom. Whilst it was supposed to be a fun party, Hyunjae couldn’t hold back some tears, for he still blamed himself for all the shit Juyeon must’ve been through because of that small conversation.
The younger one still didn't have any close friends besides him, no one to help him when times would get hard. No one to hold his hand during horror movies – that both of them hated but still watched just so they could feel each other’s heat. No one to trust, no one to share his deepest thoughts. And he knew it was all his own fault. As soon as the tears start rolling, he realizes he can’t be there. He can’t stay in the same place as Juyeon because he isn’t strong enough, at least not yet.
Hyunjae spends some time ugly crying, sitting on the bathroom floor curled up with his hands covering his mouth so no one could hear his heavy breathing. He kept thinking, trying to bear the agonizing pain.
Not the headache he got because of all the tears, nor the soreness felt because of the shattered glass in his lip.
But the ache he’s been carrying for so long, that had hit harder this time for he didn’t want to face his biggest fear again. Anyhow, he tries to organize his sorrowful thoughts inside his aching head.
I can’t believe my state. I’ve been afraid of meeting him again, but this is much worse than I have ever expected. I need to leave this college, leave this town, go as far away as possible, I don’t care. I’d travel overseas if necessary, but now I understand I really can never look him in the eyes again. There’s no other way of forgetting him if not erasing our entire history from my memory. It must be possible, I need to do it somehow. I can’t live like this.
He then decides to call Sangyeon to pick him up sneakily, regardless of the fact that only some minutes had passed and the party wasn’t even enjoyable.
But the moment he turns his phone on, it starts vibrating incessantly.
Juyeonie 💘:
of course i still care (8:42 pm)
can’t you realize how much I miss you and need you (8:42 pm)
you always avoided me when you saw me at the campus, but still… not a day passed by that I didn't think about you or how you were feeling (8:43 pm)
I'm so sorry. I should've been more careful… I didn't know your feelings back then (8:43 pm)
I let my feelings take over me and wanted to be with you all of the time
And now I never thought I could miss someone as much as I do right now. (8:43 pm)
I look so dumb right now. I'm totally crying (8:43 pm)
I miss you so so so much (8:43 pm)
Hyunjae, please. I would never stop caring about you (8:44 pm)
"Fuck." he mouthed to himself with eyes wide open while unlocking the bathroom door. His phone was turned off since the distressing moment he had with his brother and only now had he seen this message.
Hyunjae quickly stood up and looked at the mirror trying to fix a little bit of his makeup and hair, which were both extremely messy. He then breathed in and out many times until he managed to stop any more tears from streaming down. Before leaving the bathroom, he takes one more deep breath to muster up courage to do what he needs to do.
Mustering his courage, the honey-haired boy opens the door in a hurry and heads towards the huge living room where he finds Juyeon from afar holding some fancy food in the middle of hundreds of people dancing wildly when he finally gathers some courage to talk to him, even if he still looks like a mess with swollen eyes and bruised lips.
As he gets closer, he notices the younger one from afar, still looking stunning as ever. Even only wearing a simple black suit with a bow tie, he could made Hyunjae’s heart skip a beat.
His skin was glowing and his eyes were shimmery. His dark hair, the glitter on his makeup, the beautiful earrings and his bright smile that was shining even more than all the chandeliers combined – or at least that’s what it felt like to him.
Hyunjae could barely make it because his heart would come out of his chest any time now. But he knew it could be his last opportunity to settle things.
“Juyeon!” He stepped in the living room with eyes fixed on the gracious boy. He couldn’t help but let out a soft smile after seeing him this close for a long time.
Although he didn’t intend to, his shout was loud enough so people around stopped what they were doing and glared at him, a boy with a panting breath who had a slightly messy hair and suit, but still looked gorgeous nonetheless.
"Hi…” Juyeon replied politely with a shaky voice as he was taken aback.
“Didn’t expect to see you here, Hyunjae." He smiled nervously while staring at the older boy. Juyeon has been beautiful ever since high school. But college Juyeon visuals hit differently. He had flawless looks even though he was wearing a simple suit and bow tie with some dangly earrings, because his face and body proportions would make up to it. Hyunjae believed he has always been the prettiest boy to ever step in a room.
Both of them could feel the nervousness taking over their bodies. Their feelings hadn't changed at all and now they were sure of it.
Feels good to remember how it used to feel after so long. Juyeon still looks the same. Still feels the same. It was all he could think to himself while his heart fluttered just by the slightest smile Juyeon gave him.
“Juyeon, I-” Hyunjae was interrupted before he could begin his sentence.
"Sorry, Hyunjae.” The younger one couldn’t help but get teary eyes. “It was all my fault." He immediately felt an ache on his chest when he saw his then best friend, someone he knew he could never replace. His feelings for Hyunjae would never change, even after all these years of yearning and grief.
"I missed you..." Juyeon drops his food on the table and just before he could end his sentence, he bursts into tears and hugs Hyunjae tightly as if he’s saying he never wants the older one to leave again.
"I missed you so much, please don't blame yourself. I was foolish to think you’d like me back and I ended up destroying our friendship because of my selfishness..." Juyeon’s voice had so much pain in it and Hyunjae could sense the uneasiness in it. It hurted as much as the day they had parted ways.
To see him blaming himself for something Hyunjae knew was his own fault, hurted. A lot . More than any kind of physical pain he had ever experienced.
It wasn’t what he expected at all since he believed the younger one would never accept him back or even forgive him, but instead eventually forget what had happened. Right before he pulled him into a hug, the older one finally realized what he had heard.
“You blamed yourself for the same reason I blamed myself…” Hyunjae wiped away some of the younger one’s tears before continuing his sentence and pressed his hands on Juyeon’s cheek so they could lock eyes. “And in the end, we’re just now realizing we both have felt the same for each other for the longest time but we missed out on it.” Hyunjae starts smiling widely at him before continuing to share his feelings.
“I was the foolish one because I couldn’t accept my feelings for you back then and that made me panic. Juyeon, even now there’s no way to put in words the way I still feel for you.” He leaves one hand on Juyeon’s cheek as he uses the other to take his hand, pulling the younger one closer to him while he listens carefully.
“I fucking love you and I tried so hard not to think of you, but it was just useless. I missed you and I still miss you more than anything.” They were both holding back their tears and looking at each other with shining eyes as if there were just the two of them in the room, just before they noticed how hundreds of people were staring at the lovebirds reconciling after so long.
"God. How could we be so naive, Hyunjae… How could you not notice I loved you all along?" They share a tight hug as both of them burst into tears between a mix of relief and joy. “I couldn’t bear the thought of not having you in my life, I just felt that I’d have to live with that void forever. Please don’t ever leave again.” Juyeon expresses honestly as he frowns and hits Hyunjae lightly.
“Juyeon, I too once believed I’d have to live forever with the pain that remained from us.” The older one holds his hands tightly before confessing. “The truth is I never imagined my future without you. And I’m glad to know our future is now clear.”
Juyeon can’t help but laugh a little. “Did you take your time practicing this one? It really didn’t sound like something you would say!” He starts joking about it because he knew Hyunjae was never good at sharing his feelings.
“Hyunjae, I have loved you for all these years more than anything- and I still do!” he confesses as he smiles wholeheartedly looking directly at his lover’s eyes. “I love you, Juyeon! It’s easier for me to say it now thanks to you. I love you, love you, love you!” It had been a while since Hyunjae smiled so widely. He really couldn’t hide his happiness since it was truly the best day of his entire life.
They kept holding hands while smiling at each other as Juyeon then looked at Hyunjae's bottom lip noticing the older one was hurt. “I think you need some medical assistance there…” Juyeon slightly put his hand next to the bruise with a cheeky smile on his face as if he wasn’t really worried but really wanting something more than helping his friend.
His mind went completely blank by the thought of his loved one leaning in closer. They’ve been really close before, but it was much different this time. Hyunjae’s face immediately brightens up. He smirked as soon as he realized what Juyeon meant and then played along. He had been waiting for this moment since he accepted those butterflies who wouldn’t leave his stomach.
“Yeah, it kinda hurts.” Hyunjae says nervously in a way that makes both giggle. “Do you remember the way you used to help me with my bruises when we were young?” He says slyly knowing exactly what Juyeon is up to.
“Of course I do! That’s exactly how I want to help.” Juyeon laughs shyly and leans in to help him with his bruise.