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soobin knew yeonjun loved him.
he knew it by the time their eyes met during their organization’s annual conference. he knew it by the way the boy hid his crimson cheeks, averting his gaze towards the speaker. he knew that he was pinned during the boy’s zoom meetings because who wouldn’t? soobin’s led lights were always a striking red and yeonjun’s face reflected that same glow every time.
soobin was not one to assume things so quickly, but yeonjun is an open book - his eyes laid out every words he wanted to say.
they were friends, a very good one at that.
yet, soobin would notice the small graze yeonjun would occasionally touch upon his skin. no, it’s not the friendly, unintentional touches. it was as if yeonjun wanted to hold him in his arms, lock him there and never let him go. he would note the latter’s hand reaching up to his, quickly backing away and putting his arms behind his back. yeonjun would smile at him whenever he asked what was wrong, but soobin would see the faint regret in his eyes.
soobin would sense yeonjun’s faux stretches every time they were seated at the boy’s couch at his apartment. he would perceive yeonjun’s side glances that would stay there for a while as if he was memorizing each strand of soobin’s eyelashes. yeonjun would gape at soobin every time a kissing scene comes out, lips pouting ever so slightly.
soobin loved him back. but no, not in the heart wrenching, breath stealing kind of love.
what they had was merely amiable for soobin.
it was a starry night. the sky was littered with stars. the two laid on the steel roof of yeonjun's house, a pink blanket protecting their backs from the impending back pain.
soobin pointed at the sky, “yeonjun, do you see that?” yeonjun chuckled, “of course, i do. they’re blurry, though.” soobin beamed at the remark. tranquility withstands between them, and soobin wished they could stay like this forever.
“hey.” soobin called yeonjun, slightly tilting his head to the latter’s side. “are you asleep?”
“take a guess.” yeonjun smiled with his eyes closed.
soobin rolled his eyes, his lips mirroring yeonjun's. "soobin." yeonjun called him, eyes still closed.
"hm?"
"what if i told you i like you?" yeonjun fluttered his eyes open, casting his gaze upon the stars. soobin laughed, one that masked the thump of his heart.
"very funny." he said.
the awkward atmosphere hugged the two. soobin could almost hear the wind whispering.
"what if i'm serious?"
soobin looked at him. yeonjun continued to avert his gaze. soobin chuckled, "stop shitting me, yeonjun. it's not…", he paused. "i think i should head home." he sat up. he felt yeonjun holding his hand, the latter's grey hair covering his tear-filled eyes.
soobin felt his heart break into a thousand pieces.
"i like you, choi soobin."
soobin sighed heavily as if he had been holding them for a long time. his sigh caused even more tension as if the weight it held was not enough. he looked at the city lights ahead of them.
"i…" he blinked rapidly, his tears threatening to fall down his cheeks. "yeonjun, i'm sorry."
he felt yeonjun's hand drift away. he turned his back away from the latter, determined not to look back. because if he did, he might say words that he might regret.
soobin stood up, leaving yeonjun alone on the cold, steel roof.
the two remained friends after that, though their subsconscious remained aware of the confession. they set aside their differences, yet they avoided any possibility of them being alone. no more hangouts on yeonjun's roof, nor eating alone in the cafeteria. they always ate with other people.
soobin was aware of the glances yeonjun would throw at him. he could see the stares as yeonjun laughed at one of the jokes their friends told them. he could feel the ghost of the boy's hand upon his skin.
and every time yeonjun does this, soobin was aware of the somersault his stomach was doing. he was well aware of the beating drum in his chest. his breath would constrict every time yeonjun would smile his way.
soobin hated every bit of it. not because he hated yeonjun, but because he knew he was too late.
"soobin! soobin! soobin!" yeonjun shouted his name at the hallway, not minding the stares the people gave him. he ran to the lad, a big grin adorning his face. "beomgyu said yes!"
soobin felt his world shatter. he clutched the books in his shaky hands. he tried to mirror the grin on yeonjun's face, but it felt heavy on his lips.
“really? that’s great!” soobin turned his back as fast as he could, momentary dizziness blocking his thoughts. he walked as fast as he could not to get away from yeonjun, but to get away from his feelings.
soobin knew he was too late and he hated himself for that.
“soobin!” yeonjun grabbed his arm. “are you okay?”
“yeah yeah. i’m late for class. see you later!” soobin said hurriedly and almost ran to his classroom, not minding the tears falling on his cheeks. he hastily wiped them and forced a grin. he turned to yeonjun, “i’m happy for you!” he shouted, his voice cracking with anguish and regret.
yeonjun beamed and nodded. soobin could almost see the wall between them and he could only knock through it. he felt that he no longer held the right to be on yeonjun’s side of the wall. he no longer had the right to intrude.
soobin continued to smile, his dimples bearing the weight of his heart.